KING ARTHUR AUDITION PACKET

KING ARTHUR AUDITION PACKET

Keyboard l/conductor KING ARTHUR'S SONG Spamalot Tour...Hello? Hello?! Who goes there? March. in 4 tr f Brass, S.i. Picc. 3 Iam Ar - thur (Uva), 1-;-r a Vln, K2:Stgs. I ct. 3 Vln, K2:Stgs..F Hn. I sdieleje King of the /i, Bri I.ae T_ rnlml itrx llrx tons 'l I "m! I S.D.(sim) Lord and J) Ru - ler of J r +Bs.(8vb) Timp. all t. e land, and Tpts. _:_ =, Picc.(8va), I Cl.(8vb) t-t-t-l I l+ a+ I -19-

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Keyboard l/conductor I'M ALL ALONE So let me get this straight. I'm a King, without a single knight to command. I'm absolutely alone. Andante. Rubato tr Spamalot Tour )5 l--l Stgs + ppz-\ e +K2:Stgs. Drs.ta6et -;- ) \.--: t1 -\.t1e a).-1l I u

Keyboard l/conductor 2.l'M ALL ALONE Spamalot - Tour Steadier tempo llj no one here with me +K3:Stgs. On the long lift z,-,-}. my hea ov& ;at L---F \---Y -A r Rit. r A tempo lf there were some-one here with me hap-py I would be Vln, n K3 )n Poco Rubato A tempo Soall a- Ione e J.+ +'.e Just by my-self I'm all al - one J-? tr =-, r!'6uo"{-, Hn, Tbn. tl t^t h e -a- == r,4 PJ- Bs.(sim)

Kevboard l/conductor q PArsY (sung): 3. I'M ALL ALONE 25 Spamalot - Tour He's all a-lone Ex-cept for me He can-not face All by my - self ) can - not face ) IN 2. I to - mor - row Cl.rfr:?.?? I v I Fr-.rl r? 27 PATSY (sung): Though I am here. So ve-ry near.h Soall a-lone +' one Jt! I to share -193-

- - Z.f Dennis and his Mother look around to see who sang. That is why I am your King. Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses. not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. I-5-16 It's not just an ordinary sword. How many swords have their own names? You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you! Be quiet! If I went around saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away! Do you think I could make that up? Soggy old blondes with their backsides in ponds can't replace the electorate. Very well, since you don't believe me, if I prove to you that the Lady of the Lake exists, will you join my army and enlist as a knight? Oh sure, if she exists, I'll join any bloody army. And for the Tooth Fairy, I'll join the Navy... Verv well. Watch this.,---t-

2-4-7 Scene Four: The Black Knight King Arthur rides in with Patsy holding the shrubbery. The Black Knight bars his way. Good Sir Knight. I am King Arthur looking for my men. Would you care tojoin us? BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die. BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man. I see. Well, good sir knight I have no quarrel with you, but I must pass this way. + I.orn.nunO you as King of the Britons to stand aside! So be it! King Arthur draws his sword and after a short battle chops the Black Knight's left arm off. Now yield, worthy adversary. BLACK I(NIGHT: Tis but a scratch. BLACK KNIGHT: No. it isn't. A scratch? Your arm's off! Well, what's that then? BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse. You liar! BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy! The fight continues. Soon ARTHUR chops the Black Knight's right arm off. He makes a triumphant gesture and then kneels in prayer. Victory is mine! We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy-

The armless Black Knight kicks Arthur in the buttocks while he is praying. BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then. What? 2-4-8 BLACK KNIGHT: Have at vou! BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh? BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have. You are indeed brave, good Sir knight, but the fight is mine. Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left. Look! BLACK KNIGHT: It's just a flesh wound. You yellow bastard! I'll bite your legs off! You chickenshit Iily-livered upper class twit. The Black Knight backs up to the comparative darkness of the Gateway, where he hides the lower part of his body behind a trick door while the Monk enters stage left with a large basket distracting the attention of the audience. MONK: Alms for the poor! Alms for the poor! The Monk picks up an arm and puts it in the basket. Patsy gives him the other arm. Arms for the poor! Arms for the poor! (exits) BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! I'm invincible! You're a loony. Arthur runs a sword through the Black Knight's chest pinning him to the castle door. BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken chicken chicken chicken. ARTHUR swipes at the Black Knight's legs. BLACK KNIGHT: Ha! You missed me! # Both his legs flop on the stage. Come on Patsy!

f ^/ Scene Nine: A Bridge Too Far Arthur and Patsy descend the stairs. 2-9-27 PATSY: Now how many Jews have we got so far? None sir. It's hopeless. This is so depressing. I don't know a single Jewish person. And how are we going to put on a Broadway show? Broadway's a thousand years in the future in a country that hasn't yet been discovered. So let me get this straight. I'm a King, without a single knight to command. There's nobody. I'm absolutely alone.

-J t.{ MOTHER: How d'you do. I'm Mrs. Galahad, widowed mother of J r-5-14 Dennis, married to Nobby the Cretin, dropped dead last Tuesday, which does leave me sadlv available. MOTHER: MOTHER: MOTHER: I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Kins of the who? The Britons. Who are the Britons? Well, we all are. We are all Britons and I am your king. I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective. You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A selfperpetuating autocracy in which the working classes... MOTHER: MOTHER: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again. That's what it's all about. If only people would... Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who is your lord? We don't have a lord. We're an anarcho-svndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of an executive officer for the week.... Yes....but each decision of that officer has to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting... Yes. I see....by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...

MOTHER: MOTHER: MOTHER: Be quiet!...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more... Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! r-5-15 Oh! Order. eh? Who does he think he is? I am your king! Well, I didn't vote for you. You don't vote for kings. Well, how did you become king then? Well I'll tell you. One day, as I was riding forth from Camelot I saw a lady in the lake! Dead? No. Not dead. She was...the Ladv of the Lake! She lives in the lake. What. underwater? Yes. Dennis indicates to his mother that Arthur has been drinking. She appeared to me out of the bosom of the water...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, holding aloft Excalibur signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. He draws his sword. It shines mystically. Music plays. PATSY: Excalibur! CHORUS (Offstase):Excalibur! Ah- AhI /7

PATSY: PATSY: Oh no you're not So all alone I'm here you twot. All by myself I'm all alone 2-9-29 The Stage fills with Knights. Lr"dy KNIGHTS: KNIGHTS: KNIGHTS: KNIGHTS: KNIGHTS: KNIGHTS: LADY: of the Lake descends the stairs. He's all alone! I'm all alone All by himself All by myself There is no one here beside him He's all alone I'm all alone Apart from us No one to comfort him or guide him Each one of us is all alone So what are we to do In order to get through? We must be lonely side by side It's a perfect way to hide. We're all alone We're all alone Yes all alone So all alone Each by ourselves I;;:'" But you're not alone Arthur. Haven't you noticed? I've been with you allthe time. Who gave you the sword, who made you King, who welcomed you to Camelot, who helped you off on your quest? Arthur realizing it was her. Sure I've been off stage for far too long but I am here to help you and I always have been. Patsv. I'm not alone.

PATSY: No. sir. The Lady of the Lake has been with me all the time.

LADY: LADY: LADY: And so has Patsv. Ah, yes but...patsy's family. You see, Arthur dear, we're all here to help each other. Can you help me put on a Broadway show? Yes. You're in a Broadwav show. 2-9-30 Sparkling stage Effect. Arthur looks out at the audience. LADY: PATSY: PATSY: PATSY: Oh mv. You've been in a Broadwav show all the time. Oh. Who knew? (To audience) Are there any Jews here? The truth is. Sire. I'm Jewish. You are? Yes, sire, on my mother's side. Well why didn't you say so? Well, It's not the sort of thing you say to a heavily armed LADY: LADY: Christian. So now what? Well you have to finish the show. It is a musical, so you have to find the Grail and end with a weddins. Well who could I possibly marry? Well, it would have to be someone who loved you and cared for you enough to give you a sword, to make you King, to welcome you to Camelot, to help you off on your quest... He is a little slow off the mark. Patsy whispers in his ear.

2-9-31 LADY: LADY : You? Oh, that's an idea. But I thought you were a fairy. Oh no, that's Lancelot. Oh you missed that scene. Anyway, Arthur, I'm as human as you are. LADY: LADY: And you would consent to be my bride? Are you asking? Are you saying yes? Oh Arthur. They embrace. They lean infor a kiss and suddenly turn away to sing.

r-l t-33 Scene Eleven: The French Castte King Arthur and his knights arrive at thefoot of the castle, and dismount. Halt! Hello! Hello! The Taunter, a silly mustachioed Frenchman, appears in the battlements of the castle. TAUNTER: 'Allo! Who is it? It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this? TAUNTER: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard!The French bastard. Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he may join us on our quest for the Holy Grail. TAUNTER' Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see? GALAHAD: TAUNTER: What? He says they've already got one! Are you sure he's got one? oh, yes, it's very nice. (aside) Hey! I told him we arready got one! The French Guards titter in mirth. we see only their helmets nodding in glee. GUARDS: TAUNTER: Tee hee. Well, can we come in and have a look? of course not! you are English bed-wetting types!

TAUNTER: r-rt-34 Well. what are vou then? I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king? If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take this castle by force! TAUNTER: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! ---Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English knnnniggets. TAUNTER: Now look here my good man! I don't want to talk to you no more you empty headed animal food trough wipers!... I fart in your general direction!. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time. GALAHAD: TAUNTER: Is there someone else we could talk to? Hey no chance, son of a window-dresser! I wave my private parts at your aunties you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us! TAUNTER: Well, I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing you cheesy lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom # biters. Thppt! (Blows araspberry) FRENCHIES: Thppt. The hands of the French knights make very rude gestures between the battlements. They're using rude gestures sir.

I-3-5 Song: PATSY: King Arthur's Song I am Arthur Kine of the Britons Lord and Ruler Jt ail Of England, and Scotland And even tiny little bits of Gaul Andl'mtheEmperorofNorway. Buggeroff. He is Arthur King of the Britons And we are out seeking men Very strong men And very able To sit at our very, very, very round table What is it you want? I am looking for men. Ihadafeeline. We have,id;" the length and breadth of the land in search of knights to join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. What. ridden on a horse? Yes! You're using coconuts! What? You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're banging them together. So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land. through the kingdom of Mercia, through... Where'd you get the coconut?

We found them. Found them? ln Mercia? The coconut's tropical! What do you mean? I-3-6 Well, this is a temperate zone. The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land. Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? Not at all. thev could be carried. What? A swallow carrying a coconut? It could grip it by the husk! It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut. Well, it doesn't matter. Will you tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here? Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right? Please! Am I rieht? I'm not interested! -Frr-, I-anc@pears at the opposite Proscenium window Stage Left. - LANCE: lt could be carried by an African swallow!

,J.e J^/ J,C Scene Two: A very expensive Forest King Arthur rides in with Patsy This is a total bloody disaster! All my Knights have fled 2-2-2 and we're lost in a dark and extremely expensive forest. $ signs (or local currency) appear projected in the trees. FX Ch-ching. (Cash register.) PATSY: VOICE: VOICE: VOICES: Well. it could be worse. How could it possibly be worse? Ni! Oh no. Ni! Ni Peng! Ni Wong! Ni. The Knights of Ni wear furry cloaks and distinctive helmets with huge antlers. They are played by the Girl Dancers. The Principal Knight of Ni stands on stilts, hidden by his long robe. He carries a staff with en owl's head to support himself. NI KNIGHT: NI KNIGHT: Who are vou? We are the Knights Who Say... Ni! No! Not the Knights Who Say Ni! VOICE: PATSY: NI KNIGHT: The same! We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni Peng, and Niwom! Ni-wom! Those who hear these words seldom live to tell the tale! Oh sreat. Tfr."fnigtt, Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!

Oh Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers lost in these woods. NI KNIGHT: NI KNIGHT: NI KNIGHT: Ni! Ni! Ni!Ni! Oh. ow! We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us. Well, what is it that you want? We want... a shrubbery! 2-2-3 NI KNIGHTS: A shrubbery!a shrubbery! NI KNIGHT: Where the hell are we going to find a shrubbery? If you do not find us a shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with...a herring. The Knight produces a large hercing from his costume. NI KNIGHTS: A Herring! Herring! Herring! Pasty and Arthur exchange glances. NI KNIGHT: Allright. We'll find you a shrubbery. Good, You must return here with a lovely shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive! The Knights all exit. PATSY: Where are we going to find a shrubbery? Well maybe we can build one? Out of cats. Don't be ridiculous. Where are we going to find cats? This is a total disaster. You think it would be easy: one, round up a bunch of knights, two, seek and find the Holy Grail, and five...