Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law. Only current subscribers may use this play (www.playsmagazine.com). Skit (Middle Grades) Ship of Fools Pirate Darren yearns to be the scourge of the Seven Seas, but everyone knows he s really Mr. Nice Guy.... Characters by David LaBounty CAPTAIN DREAD PIRATE DARREN SMITTY FOUR PIRATES FISHERMAN, offstage voice TWO ISLAND NATIVES SCENE 1 TIME: The days of pirates. SETTING: The galley of Dread Pirate Darren s ship. Table is center. AT RISE: CAPTAIN, SMITTY, and THREE PIRATES are at table, eating. CAPTAIN: Argh! SMITTY: Argh! 1ST PIRATE: Argh! 2ND PIRATE: Argh! 3RD PIRATE: Ar-ack! Hack! COUGH! (Reaches in mouth and pulls out a bone) Sorry. Fishbone. ALL (Sympathetically): Argh. CAPTAIN: So, mates. What shall we do today? Pillage? Plunder? (Pause) Smitty, what s another word for steal that starts with a P? SMITTY: Pilfer. CAPTAIN: Thank you. SMITTY: Purloin. CAPTAIN (Impressed): Really? Never heard of that word. No matter, it will SMITTY (Interrupting): Pinch. CAPTAIN (Frustrated): Enough, Smitty. SMITTY (Softly): Pocket. CAPTAIN (Glaring at SMITTY, slowly): So, mates. What shall it be? 1ST PIRATE: Shuffleboard? (All but CAPTAIN laugh.) CAPTAIN: Do you seriously think the infamous Dread Pirate Darren, the (Points to SMITTY) 57
SMITTY (In monotone): Scariest, sleaziest, scalliwagonous scourge of the Seven Seas... CAPTAIN:...would just sit around all day and play shuffleboard? (Muses) Maybe later. But now 4TH PIRATE (Entering): Captain! There s a ship approaching! CAPTAIN: Excellent! Smitty, come with me. The rest of you clean up this mess. (CAPTAIN and SMITTY exit. Curtain closes and reopens a few seconds later. Table is gone, replaced by ship s steering wheel. 4TH PIRATE is at helm. CAP- TAIN and SMITTY enter.) Where s the ship? 4TH PIRATE: Straight ahead. CAPTAIN (Pulling out a telescope): Aye! (Hands telescope to SMITTY. Looks off left) You men, over there. Ready the cannon. (Looks off right) The rest of you draw your swords. Be prepared for a fight to the death. SMITTY (Looking through telescope): Um, Cap n. That ship looks familiar. CAPTAIN: What? Is it a gold transport? SMITTY: No. CAPTAIN: A spice ship? SMITTY: It looks like that fishing boat we saw yesterday. CAPTAIN (Smiling): Very clever. Disguising a treasure ship as a fishing boat. It almost worked. (SMITTY shakes head and rolls his eyes.) By the way, Smitty, back there in the galley, is scalliwagonous even a word? SMITTY: Sure. As far as you know. 4TH PIRATE: Ship ahoy! 58 FISHERMAN (Offstage): Ahoy! CAPTAIN: This is the Dread Pirate Darren. FISHERMAN: I know. CAPTAIN (Smiling; patting SMITTY on shoulder): Our reputation proceeds us. FISHERMAN: You stopped me yesterday and asked if I had any gold. SMITTY: Told you so. CAPTAIN (Clearing his throat): Ah, yes. Well, do you have any gold today? FISHERMAN (Annoyed): No. CAPTAIN: Diamonds? FISHERMAN: No. CAPTAIN: What kind of fish do you have? FISHERMAN: Mostly crab. CAPTAIN: Excellent! You men, board the ship and take his crabs. FISHERMAN: Hey, wait! SMITTY: Cap n, may I remind you that you are allergic to shellfish. (4TH PIRATE stifles a giggle.) CAPTAIN: Sh! (In a harsh whisper) May I remind you that pirates aren t allergic to anything especially shellfish. SMITTY: Aye, Cap n. CAPTAIN (Turning back to FISHER- MAN): Yes, well. It seems you have caught me on a good day. I ll let your ship pass. But the next time we cross wakes, I will seize your ship and make you walk the plank. SMITTY: Um, Cap n. We had the plank removed last week for safety reasons. PLAYS playsmag.com
CAPTAIN (Frustrated): I know that, but he doesn t! (CAPTAIN shakes head.) This is just great. SMITTY: What? It was a fishing boat. Anyone could have made that mistake. CAPTAIN: Not that. (Pulling SMITTY off to side) We re running out of money. SMITTY: How much do we have? CAPTAIN (Reaching into his pocket and pulling out some change): A couple of gold coins, a ruby, and a piece of lint. SMITTY: It s not enough to pay the men. CAPTAIN (In harsh whisper): I know. SMITTY: If I knew I wasn t going to get paid, I might mutiny. And the first thing to go in a mutiny is the captain. CAPTAIN: Thanks for reminding me. SMITTY: Maybe we should dig up one of our treasure chests. CAPTAIN: Yes. Excellent! (To 4TH PIRATE) Set a course for the deserted island. It s time to dip into our booty. 4TH PIRATE: Which deserted island? CAPTAIN: Um... um. (Snaps fingers) Smitty, the map. (SMITTY pulls map from pocket and hands it to CAPTAIN. CAPTAIN opens map, looks at it, spins it around, looks at it some more, and spins it around again. SMITTY grabs map, turns it right side up and points to a spot.) Ah, yes. Set course for here. 4TH PIRATE: Aye, Cap n. CAPTAIN (Rolling up map and handing it back to SMITTY): Do you think I should change my name? SMITTY: Why? CAPTAIN: I just don t feel Dread Pirate Darren strikes fear in the hearts of men. SMITTY: Trust me, it scares me every time I hear it. CAPTAIN: Really? That s nice of you to say. (SMITTY shakes head and rolls his eyes. Curtain) * * * SCENE 2 TIME: A few hours later. SETTING: Seemingly uninhabited island. There are several palm trees left. One of them has a large X nailed to it, and below it an arrow pointing down. AT RISE: CAPTAIN enters right, followed by SMITTY, 3RD and 4TH PIRATES. CAPTAIN carries treasure map; PIRATES carry shovels. CAP- TAIN begins walking to directions on map, followed by others. CAPTAIN (Looking at map): Six...seven...eight. (Stops) Now turn left and take three steps. Turn left, and take three more steps. And three steps to the left. (At this point, SMITTY and PIRATES stop following CAPTAIN.) And three more steps to the left. X marks the spot. Perfect. Start digging here, men. (PIRATES start digging.) SMITTY (Dubiously; looking at tree): Are you sure this is the spot? CAPTAIN: Of course, I m sure. I wrote it down on the map. X marks the spot. SMITTY: You didn t by chance really mark the spot with an X, did you? CAPTAIN (Looking at tree): Hmm. (He walks over and pulls X and arrow off tree and throws them offstage.) Stop digging, men. Why don t we try over here. Under this tree. (PIRATES look at each other, shrug and proceed to dig under the tree. CAPTAIN watches for a moment, looks around.) Nice day. 59
SMITTY (Nodding): Not too hot. (CAP- TAIN checks his watch. 4TH PIRATE hits his shovel on floor. Both PIRATES drop to their knees and mime moving sand away; treasure chest is revealed.) CAPTAIN (Excited): Thar she blows! What are you waiting for? Open it! 3RD PIRATE (Opening chest): It s empty. CAPTAIN (Looking over PIRATE s shoulder): What!? Where s all the gold? (TWO ISLAND NATIVES enter right, laughing. They wear grass skirts, several gold chains around their necks, and gold bracelets. 1ST ISLAND NATIVE wears gold crown. They are both carrying gold cups with tiny umbrellas in them. They freeze when they see PIRATES.) 1ST ISLAND NATIVE: Um hi. CAPTAIN: I am the Dread Pirate Darren. I thought this island was uninhabited. 1ST ISLAND NATIVE (Nodding): Yes. CAPTAIN: So what are you doing here? 1ST ISLAND NATIVE: Just visiting. 2ND ISLAND NATIVE (Nodding vigorously): Vacation. CAPTAIN: Oh. (Suspiciously) Wait a minute. You wouldn t by any chance have seen a treasure chest around here, would you? 1ST ISLAND NATIVE (Nervously): What treasure chest? CAPTAIN: It s a box that holds...never mind. (Very suspiciously) Where did you get all those necklaces? 2ND ISLAND NATIVE (Fingering his necklaces): Mardi Gras? CAPTAIN: Oh. (Turns to SMITTY) Well, it looks like we made a mistake. 60 Let s go, men. We ve got other islands to search. Have a nice day. (He, SMITTY, and PIRATES exit.) 1ST ISLAND NATIVE (To 2ND ISLAND NATIVE): Idiot. (They laugh and clink cups. Curtain) * * * SCENE 3 TIME: A week later. SETTING: An uninhabited island. There are several palm trees left, and a big rock in the middle of the stage. AT RISE: CAPTAIN, looking at treasure map, and SMITTY, carrying a shovel, enter. CAPTAIN looks at rock. CAPTAIN (Exasperated): Now, wait a minute. There s no rock on this map. Where did this come from? SMITTY (Sitting on rock): Are you sure we re on the right island? CAPTAIN: Of course I am. I know these islands like the back of my hand. (Looks at hand) When did I get that scratch? Anyway, the treasure must be near by. Let s just start digging. (Looks around) Where are my men? SMITTY: They left two days ago, when they found out you didn t have any treasure. CAPTAIN: I wondered why it was so quiet. But where did they go? SMITTY (Shrugging): A few signed up with Dead-Eye Pete. CAPTAIN (Wincing): Now, that s a good pirate name. Wish I d thought of that. SMITTY: The rest signed up with cruise ships. Sure, the money s only so-so, but they give you all you can eat. CAPTAIN: Fools. Let em go. That just means more treasure for you and me. PLAYS playsmag.com
SMITTY (Exasperated): What treasure? This is the fifth island we ve been to in the last week. We ve found four treasure chests. Three were bone-empty and one had an IOU from you for 1,000 gold doubloons. Tell me, have you ever considered putting your gold in a bank? CAPTAIN: Are you kidding me? Do you know how much those crooks charge? Free checking, my wooden leg. Besides, there s still one more island we haven t checked. Now, where did we moor that ship? (Exits) SMITTY: I should have listened to my mother and become a dentist. CAPTAIN (Entering): Maybe it s over there. (Exits other side. SMITTY shakes head, follows CAPTAIN off. Curtain closes; reopens a few moments later. There is a black kettle center. CAPTAIN and SMITTY are tied up and standing in [behind] kettle.) SMITTY (Mocking): Just one more island. CAPTAIN (Indignant): There weren t any cannibals here when I buried the treasure. SMITTY (Sarcastically): Are you sure they weren t just on vacation? CAPTAIN: Good point....any idea what they re going to do with us? SMITTY: I don t know. Maybe they ll give us a nice facial and a massage. (Yells) They re going to eat us! CAPTAIN: There s no need to yell. I m right next to you. Well, what is our escape plan in situations like this? SMITTY: Actually, I m planning on letting them fill up on you, and then I ll make my escape while they nap. CAPTAIN: Har, har. How about plan B? SMITTY: We could offer them some of your gold. CAPTAIN: Excellent idea. SMITTY (Frustrated): I was being sarcastic. We don t have any gold. CAPTAIN: Right. Shiver me timbers, this water is freezing. (Drum beats off) SMITTY: Oh, I don t think we ll have to worry about catching a cold. (Curtain) THE END PRODUCTION NOTES Ship of Fools CHARACTERS: 2 male (Captain and Smitty); 7 male or female for others. PLAYING TIME: 10 to 15 minutes. COSTUMES: Typical pirate garb, except for island natives, who wear grass skirts and gold jewelry (one also wears gold crown). Captain has coins in pocket. PROPERTIES: Telescope, ship s steering wheel, maps, shovels, treasure chest, two gold cups with tiny umbrellas in them. SETTING: Scene 1, galley of Dread Pirate Darren s ship. Table center is set with cups and plates. Scene 2, uninhabited island. There are several palm trees left. One of them has a large X nailed to it, and below it an arrow pointing down. Scene 3, same, but a big rock is in the middle of stage, then black kettle is added. SOUND: Drumbeats. 61