The Beatletoons A Short Comedy by Ken Preuss (with John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, but not Ringo.) Ken Preuss 3326 Sterling Lake Circle. Oviedo, FL 32765 Kpreuss@cfl.rr.com 407.687.6153 A marriage counselor finds an unorthodox way to help an unusual quarrelling couple.
CAST OF CHARACTERS 1 MAN, 1 WOMAN, 2 FLEXIBLE : Male or Female. A successful marriage counselor : Male. A disgruntled husband. (A Jackie Mason type.) : Female. An unhappy wife. (An Edith Bunker type.) Mr. / Mrs. Stone: Male or Female. (This role has one line.) 2
The Beatletoons by Ken Preuss (The stage is set to indicate the counseling office of Dr. Robert. The office features a chair in which can sit and listen to his clients and a couch (or set of chairs) in which his clients can sit and share. There is an entrance stage right and an exit stage left. At rise, DR. ROBERT stands left, waving off to an unseen couple who have exited his office. He smiles and calls after them.) No, no. Thank you! (DR. ROBERT crosses to his chair and picks up a clipboard. He talks to himself proudly as he scribbles notes.) Another happy couple. I am one hell of a counselor. Let s see who s next. Mr. and! (He checks the clipboard then crosses right and calls out the doorway.) (THE BEATLETOONS enter. MR. BEATLETOON, obviously angry with his wife, is trying to keep his distance. MRS. BEATLETOON is trying to pull him closer.) (Shooing his wife away as he enters.) Get back! Get back! (Grabbing his arm, forcing unwanted affection.) I want to hold your hand. (Pulling free.) Let it be! Let it be! (MR. BEATLETOON moves to the far left of the room and crosses his arms grumpily. MRS. BEATLETOON stands right pouting for a beat. DR. ROBERT stands between them looking left and right, trying to assess the situation. After a beat, he speaks, tentatively.) Hi. I m. I m glad you re here. (Gestures to couch.) Why don t you both take a seat? I ll get some background information, and we ll begin our session. 3
(DR. ROBERT moves to his chair. MRS. BEATLETOON sits on the couch. MR. BEATLETOON doesn t budge. DR. ROBERT waits a beat. MRS. BEATLETOON loses her patience and calls out to her husband forcefully.) Hey, Jude! (MRS. BEATLETOON points to the empty spot next to her, silently demanding her husband to sit. He does so begrudgingly. DR. ROBERT takes his pen and a clipboard and begins to take notes as he asks questions.) So,. I see your first name is Jude. (To MRS. BEATLETOON.), your first name is? Michelle. And where do you two live? Penny Lane. I m not familiar with that street. (Clarifying.) The long and winding road Ah, yes. And where did you live before that? Back in the USSR. Mr. and Perfect. So when were the two of you married? (Thinks then responds, somewhat proudly.) It was twenty years ago today. (With a surprised smile.) Really. Wow. So your anniversary is today? 4
(Answering DR. ROBERT, but staring at MR. BEATLETOON, correcting him coldly.) Yesterday. Oh. (There is an awkward pause as he watches THE BEATLETOONS stare each other down.) So what brings the two of you here today? (To DR. ROBERT.) She said that living with me was bringing her down. (To DR. ROBERT.) He s a real nowhere man. (Angrily to MRS. BEATLETOON.) You know, I work all day to get you money to buy you things. (Angrily to MR. BEATLETOON.) I don t care too much for money. (To DR. ROBERT.) Money can t buy me love. (To MR. BEATLETOON.) So you have a tough job,? Yeah. I am the tax man. And you work a lot? Eight days a week. And what happens when you get home from work? (With a grumpy glance toward MRS. BEATLETOON.) I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping. (To MRS. BEATLETOON.) So, you don t like to do the housework? 5
(MRS. BEATLETOON nods. MR. BEATLETOON shakes his head. MR. BEATLETOON notices the difference and addresses his wife.) You say yes. I say no. (To MRS. BEATLETOON.) So, what did you do this morning while your husband was at work? (Thinks a beat then responds.) I read the news today. Oh boy! So, you re not happy being a housewife? (With pride.) I want to be a paperback writer. Okay. Well, let s put some of those creative impulses to work and do a little role playing. (Sets the clipboard aside.) Let s create a peaceful scenario, assign each other new roles, and begin exploring some issues. All we need is a peaceful location to begin. Strawberry fields? Perfect (Interjects her own idea.) I d like to be under the sea. In an octopus garden. (Assuming MRS. BEATLETOON is finished, DR. ROBERT begins to respond, but is interrupted.) (DR. ROBERT again begins to respond. MRS. BEATLETOON adds a final thought.) 6
in the shade. (continued) Well, maybe we can combine the two. The octopus can grow strawberries in the garden. Now, I ll be the octopus. (Points to MRS. BEATLETOON.) You can be The girl with kaleidoscope eyes. (Leaps up, raising his hand excitedly.) I am the walrus! I am the walrus! Okay. Okay. I think we re all set. We re in the strawberry field garden under the sea. (Points to himself.) I am the octopus. (Points to MRS. BEATLETOON.) You are the girl with kaleidoscope eyes. (Points to MRS. BEATLETOON.) You are the walrus and Mr. and We all live in a yellow submarine! (Decides to change tactics.) You know, I don t think roleplaying is really going to work. (Crosses away to think.) But don t worry: We can work it out. (THE BEATLETOONS perk up with DR. ROBERT S inadvertent mention of a Beatles lyric. DR. ROBERT smiles as he hatches a new plan. After a beat, he paces quickly to the opposite side of the room where he clutches his heart as if he is in great pain, looking back to make sure THE BEATLETOONS notice.) My heart went boom as I crossed that room. Help me if you can, I m feeling down. Come together. Right Now. Over me. (HE falls to his knees and calls to THE BEATLETOONS.) (THE BEATLETOONS look at each other then cross closer to DR. ROBERT. DR. ROBERT stretches flat on the ground, reaches up, and gestures to the space just above him.) 7
(THE BEATLETOONS join hands over the body of DR. ROBERT. DR. ROBERT speaks to them with great passion.) Life is very short and there s no time for fussing and fighting my friend. (He looks at MR. BEATLETOON while pointing to MRS. BEATLETOON.) She loves you. (To DR. ROBERT.) Yeah? Yeah. (To MR. BEATLETOON, confirming.) Yeah. (To DR. ROBERT.) I m in love with her (Leaps up. Happy and healthy.) and I feel fine! (DR. ROBERT puts an arm around each of his clients, offering a final word of advice.) All you need is love. All you need is love? (Nodding in agreement.) All you need is love, love. Love is all you need. All you need is love. All together now. (HE leads THE BEATLETOONS left.) Mr. and 8
and Mr. and (Just before they exit.) All you need is love. (Calling off to them) Everybody! Mr. and (From off left.) All you need is love. Another happy client. (Turns to head for his desk.) (From far off stage.) Why don t we do it in the road! (Makes a face.) Maybe, a little too happy. Let s see who s next. (DR. ROBERT checks his clipboard then crosses right and calls out the doorway.) Mr. Stone? (MR. STONE bursts in angrily. HE crosses his arm and pouts.) I can t get no satisfaction! Mr. Stone (DR. ROBERT does a take to the audience. Blackout.) The End 9
*** ALTERNATE ENDING IF DESIRED *** Change begins after THE BEATLETOONS exit. Features 1 additional cast member. Mr. and Mrs. Stone? (DR. ROBERT checks his clipboard then crosses right and calls out the doorway.) (MR. AND MRS. STONE burst in angrily.) Mr. Stone (Pouts to DR. ROBERT.) I can t get no satisfaction! Mrs. Stone (Crosses her arms, scoffs.) You can t always get what you want! (DR. ROBERT does a take to the audience. Blackout.) The End 10