Conversation on a Rock (1215 words)
Conversation on a Rock 1 God and Jesus were sitting on a rock, deep in conversation. "Jesus, you're stubborn kid." "Dad, all I'm saying is that things are different today." "Things! Things! I know from things. I created 'things'! In fact, back in my day a fellow didn't just create things out ofthings; he created things out of nothing!" "Dad, that's physically impossible and you know it." "Is not." "Is, too." "Infinity. And anyway, things worked fine back then. You could learn a thing or two." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Well, I always say it's good to back up a decent parable with a great plague. You gotta break a few eggs to get an omelet." "Violence is ineffective and counterproductive." "How do you know? You never wrecked anything." "Have, too." "Have not." "What about the Temple and the money changers? Seems to me I caused quite a ruckus there." "That? That was a, a... a tantrum! Now, an earthquake--that's wrecking things! You kids don't think big enough. I mean big--like locusts and frogs and hurricanes!" "You don't always have to solve things by turning people into pillars of salt or flooding the entire world."
Conversation on a Rock 2 "Ab, the Old Testament. Now those were the days!" "There's more than more than one way to skin a cat." "I couldn't agree more!" "Really?" "I bet I listed at least SO in the Old Testament." "There you go again." "Yeah, but see, it got so that all I'd have to do is THREATEN to flatten a city, and bingo, instant repentance!" "And that's another thing. Since when do people get to bargain with the Creator ofall Things?" "Huh?" "Abraham talked you out ofdestroying Sodom ifhe could find SO righteous people there, and then he bargained you all the way down to ten! What is that all bargaining about? It's like you're a Moroccan rug merchant." "Eh, keeps me from getting bored. Plus, sometimes you get a good deal-i got a whole city's undying allegiance-not bad." "So, moodiness is next to Godliness? One day you spare a city, the next you send your own people to wander for forty years in a desert." "Think ofit as... sending the Israelites to their room. Without dinner. Well, until they whined. Then I gave'ern manna. Ofcourse, then they whined again. So I sent snakes! Ha! I love that one. 'Oh, so bread's not enough, huh? Have a snake!'" "As ifthat's not enough, you're always having intermediaries do your talking, whether it's an angel, a person or a... a bush." "Yeah, who'd expect a bush to talk? Classic." "So you're a ventriloquist. The creator of the universe does Vaudeville. Don't you
Conversation on a Rock 3 think all this-arbitrariness-is a bit beneath you?" "Beneath me? I'm God! Everything's beneath me." "Yuk, yule Now you're Henny Youngman." "I created him." "I know, dad." '''Take my wife-please'! 1 love that guy." "Did you ever try to, you know, just talk to people?" "Bo-ring. I'm God. 1 work in mysterious ways, remember? I'm not Mr. Prime Time Television interview with Barbara Walters." "Well, Ijust think it's important to be straightforward with people." "Oh, so that's what all this 'New Testament' stuff is about, talk? IfI want talk, I'll listen to talk radio. 1 invented that, you know." "I know, dad." "Not sure how I feel about that one." "Dad, the New Testament just tries to explain to people what you're about, without the -well, you know--slaughter, fire, pestilence, gore and eternal damnation." "I take 5,000 years to write a perfectly good bible, and you wander the earth for 30 and make up your own." "Don't think ofit as another bible. Think ofit as a sequel." "A sequel." "Yeah, "'Bible, Part II: A Way Cooler God'."... Just kidding, dad. "Well, I do appreciate your emphasizing the first commandment-telling people to love me with all their hearts, minds and souls--"
Conversation on a Rock 4 "You're welcome." "--but I also would've preferred a bit more oomph, a little stick to go with the carrot. Like, in the part about, 'you shall have no gods before me'?-you could've put a little emphasis on the, "I, God, will punish children for the iniquity ofparents, to the third and the fourth generation ofthose who reject me.' See, now that's a stick!" "I thought it was better to concentrate on the love part." "Speaking of love, what's up with the Apostle's Creed? I get one short paragraph and you get two long ones?" "Dad, you sound jealous." "Well, Jesus, the holy ghost gets more ink than me! Those apostles could've given the old man a little more love... I created them, you know." "I know, dad." "Ifthere was ever a bunch ofhippies that needed a good smiting, it's those apostles of yours. I'd like to give 'em a good smite up side the head and say, get a job, hippie!" "The apostles didn't write the Apostle's Creed, Dad. It's just called that." (PAUSE) "... 1 knew that." "And why is it you're always smiting everybody?" "You have to admit, 'smite' is such a cool word. I nlight smite. I might smite with all my might. I might smite a mite at night! just to suit my appetite. Ha!... I invented poetry, you know." "I know, dad. And you know, smiting might have seemed like a good idea back in your day, but-" "Oh, don't start with that again. What's my "day"? I've been around since the beginning oftime!" "Yeah, speaking ofwhich, could you explain that to me again? You were here before
Conversation on a Rock 5 anything else, but then you created everything, but then, who created you, and ifyou created you, then how exactly does that work?" "Ask Einstein. That's why I created him." "See, every time I have a tough question, you get all mysterious on me. That's why we never get anywhere in these conversations." "Like I said-" "I know, I know, you work in mysterious ways. Dad, a little transparency wouldn't hurt." "You want transparency, go talk to the holy ghost. Ifyou can find him." '''Oh, for god's-well, for your sake-that's not an answer." "Answers, answers. Jesus, you're a pushy kid!" "You know, I can never tell when you're swearing." "Me, neither!" "This isn't funny! For the love of-well, you-there must be something we can agree on." "Actually, I wasn't joking." "What do you nlean?" "About the swearing part. Think about it: We're the only two people I know who really can't do the whole taking-<?ne's-name-in-vain thing. I say, 'Jesus' and you say, 'What?' You say, 'God damn it' and I'm ready to shoot a lightning bolt. Remember the time you stubbed your toe and I damned your sandal to hell for all eternity?" "That's where that sandal went." "I've never had anyone to calion when an angel ticks me offor I spill my coffee. 'Todd damn it!' just isn't the same."
Conversation on a Rock 6 "Something we agree on. Nice one, dad!" Pleased with themselves, the two sat in silence on the rock. Which shifted uncomfortably, and said, "Can I get up now? You guys are getting heavy." Both said in unison, "Sorry, Peter."