ROMEO & WHAT S HER NAME TEN MINUTE PLAY By Rusty Harding All Rights Reserved Heuer Publishing LLC, Cedar Rapids, Iowa The writing of plays is a means of livelihood. Unlawful use of a playwright s work deprives the creator of his or her rightful income. The playwright is compensated on the full purchase price and the right of performance can only be secured through purchase of at least four (4) copies of this work. PERFORMANCES ARE LIMITED TO ONE VENUE FOR ONE YEAR FROM DATE OF PURCHASE. The possession of this script without direct purchase from the publisher confers no right or license to produce this work publicly or in private, for gain or charity. On all programs and advertising this notice must appear: "Produced by special arrangement with Heuer Publishing LLC of Cedar Rapids, Iowa." This dramatic work is fully protected by copyright. No part of this work may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without permission of the publisher. Copying (by any means) or performing a copyrighted work without permission constitutes an infringement of copyright. The right of performance is not transferable and is strictly forbidden in cases where scripts are borrowed or purchased second hand from a third party. All rights including, but not limited to the professional, motion picture, radio, television, videotape, broadcast, recitation, lecturing, tabloid, publication, and reading are reserved. COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW. PUBLISHED BY HEUER PUBLISHING LLC P.O. BOX 248 CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA 52406 TOLL FREE (800) 950-7529 FAX (319) 368-8011
ROMEO & WHAT S HER NAME By Rusty Harding SYNOPSIS: A harried director has only two weeks to bring Shakespeare s timeless classic to life, but he s never auditioned a Juliet quite like this. CAST OF CHARACTERS (2 male, 1 female, 1 either) DIRECTOR (m)... (36 lines) ASSISTANT (m/f)... (15 lines) JILLIAN (f)... (22 lines) JANITOR (m)... (16 lines) SETTING: Should be minimal; a bare stage only. Mop Clipboard Pen/pencil 2 play scripts Cell phone Small paper bag PROPS 2
AT RISE: DIRECTOR and ASSISTANT walk onto an empty stage. JANITOR silently mops the floor in one corner. ASSISTANT carries a play script and scribbles notes on a clipboard as DIRECTOR speaks. DIRECTOR: And we need to make sure that we have plenty of fake blood for the dueling scenes. Make sure it s the good stuff; not that black junk we got online. Last play we did it looked like all of our wounded were zombies. ASSISTANT: Check. Real-looking fake blood. Anything else? DIRECTOR: Yes. Is it possible to buy Tylenol in bulk? ASSISTANT: I don t know. Maybe at Costco? DIRECTOR: See if you can find a couple of cases. Or better yet, make it Vicodin. ASSISTANT: Problems? DIRECTOR: Our illustrious producer has informed me that the only way he ll continue to fund this little fiasco is if we cast his daughter in the lead. ASSISTANT: Ah. I take it she s not an actress? DIRECTOR: I m not even certain she s human. ASSISTANT: Come on, Frank, she can t be that bad. DIRECTOR: Just wait. (Sighing wearily.) All right, let s not delay the pain any longer. ASSISTANT: (Shouting to offstage.) Actors on set, please! A young actress, JILLIAN, enters from the wings. She smiles and waves to the director. JILLIAN: Hi, Mr. Kelly! DIRECTOR: (Forcing a smile back.) Hello, Ms. Evans. How are you today? JILLIAN: I m fine, thanks. Daddy said to tell you hello. DIRECTOR: Did he? How nice of him. And how is his bankbook? (Quickly.) I mean back-ache? JILLIAN: He s doing better. DIRECTOR: Good, good. We need to keep him in good health. Let s get started, shall we? (Glancing around anxiously.) Where s our Romeo? 3
ASSISTANT: I haven t seen him. DIRECTOR: (Frustrated.) Great! Just what I needed today. (Sees JANITOR.) Dave, can you help us out, please? JANITOR: (Startled.) Me? DIRECTOR: Yes, you. I need a stand in for Romeo. JANITOR: You mean, you want me to act? DIRECTOR: No, I just want you to read a line of dialogue at the proper time. JANITOR: (Eagerly.) But I ll be acting, right? DIRECTOR: Yes, Dave, if it makes you feel better, you ll be acting. (Rolling eyes at ASSISTANT.) Darvocet. ASSISTANT hands JANITOR a copy of the script. JANITOR: What do you want me to do? DIRECTOR: Just stand there opposite Juliet, and read the highlighted line when I point to you. JANITOR: (Striking a theatrical pose.) Like this? DIRECTOR: Yes, that s fine. JANITOR: (Changing poses, more dramatic.) Or maybe this would be better? DIRECTOR: However you want to stand is fine, Dave. JANITOR: But I really want to do it right. DIRECTOR: Dave, it s just one line. You can stand on your head if you d like. JANITOR: But I want to make sure DIRECTOR: (Losing it.) Just read the stupid line! Everyone looks at DIRECTOR anxiously. DIRECTOR: Sorry, sorry! Just a little wound up today. My apologies to all. Let s just try to get through this as painlessly as possible, all right? From the balcony scene, please. JILLIAN: (Tapping at her script.) Mr. Kelly, I have a couple of questions. 4
DIRECTOR: (Quietly, as if not to be overheard.) Why am I not surprised? (Pleasantly.) And what might those be, dear? JILLIAN: This Shakespeare guy, was he Russian or what? I mean, what exactly is this language? Cause it sure ain t English. DIRECTOR: It ain t? I mean, it isn t? JILLIAN: It can t be! Thee, thou, wouldst; who talks like that? DIRECTOR: Ah, well, that would be Early Modern English, Ms. Evans. That s the way people used to talk, a long time ago. JILLIAN: (Nodding thoughtfully.) Oh. Like back in the Sixties? DIRECTOR: (After a pause.) Yes. (Beat.) Yes, exactly like the Sixties. In fact, I ll never forget that great Beatles hit, I Wish To Hold Thy Hand. (Sighing.) Please, let s just continue. JILLIAN: (Assuming a pose.) Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo (Suddenly leaving character.) Why is she asking that, anyway? DIRECTOR: Excuse me? JILLIAN: Why is she asking where Romeo is? (Gesturing to JANITOR.) I mean, he s standing right there below her. Does she need glasses or something? DIRECTOR: (Hyperventilating.) Our father, who art in heaven ASSISTANT: (Hurriedly patting DIRECTOR S shoulder.) Easy, Frank, take it easy. Remember the funding. DIRECTOR: Funding? Funding, yes. Thank you, Chris. Always nice to keep things in perspective. (To JILLIAN, calming.) She s not asking where he is, Ms. Evans, but rather, why he is. JILLIAN: Huh? DIRECTOR: Why is he a Montague. His family and her family are feuding, they don t get along. Juliet is lamenting the fact that Romeo can t be someone different, so she would be free to love him. JILLIAN: Oh, you mean it s like philosophical or something? I took philosophy in college. Didn t really get it, though, so I dropped it for interpretive dance. DIRECTOR stares at JILLIAN catatonically. 5
ASSISTANT: (Snapping fingers in DIRECTOR S face.) Frank? Frank, you okay? Frank! DIRECTOR: (Finally responding.) What? Oh, sorry. It s just that my life suddenly flashed before my eyes. (Beat.) And what I saw wasn t pretty. JILLIAN: You know what would be really funny, Mr. Kelly? If we did this play in modern language. You know, like (Posturing.) OMG, Romeo, you are my BFF, LOL! DIRECTOR: (Begins to laugh maniacally, turning to ASSISTANT.) Forget about buying that fake blood, okay? Just get me a razor and you can have every drop of mine! ASSISTANT: (Anxiously.) Now take it easy, Frank. Maybe you could talk to her dad and get him to see reason. Does he know how bad she is? DIRECTOR: Nobody knows how bad she is not until this play opens! At which point my career will be as dead as Shakespeare. Two weeks. This play goes on in two weeks and I m stuck with the Juliet from hell. Why didn t I listen to my father and take over his septic tank business? ASSISTANT: Come on, Frank, you ve worked with worse. I once heard you say you could teach a monkey to play Hamlet. DIRECTOR: With a monkey there s more to work with! (Pulls a paper bag out of his pocket and begins to breathe into it heavily.) ASSISTANT: (Reproachfully.) Frank (Suddenly pops the bag in DIRECTOR S face.) Snap out of it! DIRECTOR: (Calming, slowly gathering confidence.) You re right. You re absolutely right! I m Frank Kelly, director to the stars. If anyone can hone a bad actor, I can. Henry Higgins had Liza, I ve got Juliet! ASSISTANT: That s the spirit! 6
DIRECTOR: (Starts to turn away, then pauses.) But, just to be on the safe side, have the razor ready. (To JILLIAN, forcing a smile.) Ms. Evans, you ve made a fascinating proposal, but you have to understand; the works of Shakespeare are classic, timeless, almost sacred. The language is what gives them their beauty and elegance. I realize that it may be difficult for some, but, I truly believe you can do this. Now, I d like you to take it from the top. Let me hear Juliet! JILLIAN: (Shrugging.) Whatever. (Resuming her pose.) O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name; or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet. DIRECTOR points to JANITOR. JANITOR: (Fully in character.) Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this? JILLIAN: (Perfectly.) 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy; thou art thyself, though not a Montague. What is Montague? It is not hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor face, nor any other part belonging to a man. O, be some other name! What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet; so Romeo would, were he not Romeo called, retain that dear perfection which he owes without that title. Romeo, doff thy name, and for that name which is no part of thee take all myself DIRECTOR and ASSISTANT turn to stare at one another incredulously. ASSISTANT: By George, she s got it! DIRECTOR: (To JILLIAN.) That was absolutely beautiful! JILLIAN: Thanks. But to be honest, I didn t understand half of it. DIRECTOR: No one does, yet they pay through the nose to see it. That s the beauty of Shakespeare! (To JANITOR.) And Dave, you did remarkably well. 7
JANITOR: (Beaming.) Thank you! DIRECTOR: In fact, I m beginning to feel much better about this entire play. My dear Ms. Evans, in two weeks, you shall debut as one of the greatest Juliets ever to grace the stage! JILLIAN: Yeah, about that, Mr. Kelly. I know my Dad really wants me to be in this play, but some friends of mine are going down to Cancun this weekend, so if it s okay with you, I thought I d go Mr. Kelly, are you all right? Mr. Kelly..? DIRECTOR begins to wander offstage, mumbling incoherently. The assistant follows, dialing a cell phone. ASSISTANT: (Into phone.) Dr. Murphy? I think we may have discontinued his meds a little too soon JANITOR: (Musing, completely oblivious.) I wonder if I d look good in tights? BLACKOUT. THE END 8