Harry Hamlet A Comic adaption of the play Hamlet the Prince of Denmark by William Shakespeare A script by Neil Gibbs June 2011 Version 5.0 1
Harry Hamlet Dramatic Personnel (AKA the Characters) Grave Digger 1: Grave Digger 2: Horatio, friend to Laertes, son of Ophelia, daughter to Ghost of Hamlets father: Leia B Sophie Rob Emily H Alex Ethan Evie James G King (Hamlet s Uncle): Christopher G. Queen (Hamlets mum): Marcellus, Soldier: Barnardo, soldier: Francisco, soldier/actor 1: Voltemand/Actor 4: Cornelius/Actor 3: Osric/Actor 2: Rosencrantz: Actor 5: Kat S Lizzie Hiro Charlotte Nicky D Jasmine S Taiga Dan Li Chris L Laurie 2
Act One Scene one Two Gravediggers enter and start to dig a grave, they soon become bored. Who goes there? Who goes where? Over there? Where? Look over there by the stone gate What there s a gate made of stone? Alright! Not actually made of stone but the post is made of stone! Why didn t you just say by the post? Look just stop it, OK it s not funny! There is no one to impress, I thought I saw something but you have more than slightly ruined the moment! (The ghost of Hamlets father walks past, unnoticed by the Gravediggers) Sorry! Don t! no I really am Look, just get on with this infernal digging! Cor! You re grumpy tonight! Argh, what was that? What? Have you seen a ghost? Ah! So it was a Ghost you thought you saw? Yes I most certainly did! And not just any ghost but the ghost of the late King! 3
Oh come on, Kings and Queens don t go roaming around old graveyards? They roam Palaces and old Pub s. It was more likely to have been that old beggar who was hung last week for whistling on a Tuesday! Don t know, could have sworn it was him though! Look be quiet and let s get this job over and done with. Graveyards are really creepy at night! That s put me off now! Can t we find something to take this off our minds? Like what? You could tell me a story? How old are you? I am not answering that! You don t just ask someone how old they are, it s really rude I am not telling you a story! (Pause) I told you one last night, what was it again? The King and I? No I don t do musicals! The Lion King? Yeah that was it! (Pause)Nope I am not telling that one again Please, it was great! (irritates the other gravedigger) Alright, alright, go on then, but I ll tell you a different tale cuz I told you the Lion King last week as well! Oh cool! Well I need some help, I need two soldiers (Two Soldiers walk on Barnardo and Francisco) 4
Francisco: Francisco: Francisco: Francisco: Francisco: Those two do? Certainly will, right, here goes. Once upon a time here in our very own Denmark on a very cold night, bit colder, stood two soldiers on duty... Who goes there? Nay answer me, stand and unfold yourself Long live the King Unfold yourself? What are they goin on about? Shh! Barnardo? My, it is cold tonight, have you been busy? Not a mouse stirring Then let me take your place for you, as you have your duty tomorrow You re not supposed to be here until 6am Oh you re joking? I hate shift work, who put the last rota up? Honestly no one told me Didn t Marco tell you? His kid has a dentist appointment so he needs tomorrow off Typical! Look if you see Marcellus don t let him know I told you! You know he is in competition with my watch! I m getting bored, this isn t as good as the Lion King Alright I have to set the scene, here comes another, here s Horatio and Marcellus. (Enter Horatio and Marcellus) 5
Francisco: Marcellus: Francisco: Marcellus: Francisco: Marcellus: Francisco: Welcome Horatio, welcome good Marcellus! Good Morrow soldiers Good morrow Horatio! Hi Horatio how goes you? Oh hi Marcellus, nice to see you! How goes thee Marcellus? Whatever! We haven t seen him yet! Who? Awkward! Look mate get home and have some rest! Great, now I can see why I wasn t invited to the card game at Christmas! (Exit Francisco) I have seen nothing! It is nearly one am he will be here at any time now (Enter the Ghost of Hamlets father) Marcellus: Marcellus: My goodness it s a ghost! My ear is so sore You were the King weren t you? Yes He is does not speak, stupid ghost. Uhm what do you say to a ghost? (The Ghost walks off) Was that the King? Who dya think it was Simon Cowell? Who? We must tell Harry Hamlet about this! 6
(Ghost returns walking about, sits on the floor, holding his ear) He is back shall I poke it with a stick? That s the ghost of the late King you re talking about No wonder he isn t King anymore if he was always late! Let us impart what we have seen tonight. Unto young Hamlet. For upon my life this spirit dumb to us will speak to him What language are they speaking? Seriously? That was Shakespearean Is that like Klingon? No! Look Horatio is Harry Hamlet s best friend and he said he will now speak to Hamlet about this ghost and hopes the Ghost will speak to Hamlet. Right forward we go here comes the King and Queen Oh he looks a right mean so in so! That s because he isn t very nice but you ll soon find that out Act 1 Scene 2 (Enter King, Queen, Laertes and Hamlet) Though yet of Hamlet our dear brothers death the memory be green What on earth? This Klingon language is double Dutch to me! He says that Hamlet finds is father s death still fresh How long ago did he die? About two month Blimey that is still fresh 7
(Enter Voltemand and Cornelius) Voltemand: Cornelius: Ah my good friends, please here is a letter for the good King of Norway, please see that is delivered at most quick speed of post Should use parcel force In all that, and all things we show our duty What she said There not up to the job Be gone fellow friends, Now What Ist Laertes? Dread my Lord. Your leave and favour to return to France. I came to honour your coronation, now my thoughts and wishes bend again towards France. Have you your Father s leave, where is Polonius? (Enter Polonius) Only me! Your Majesty? Bow then! Actually, kneel! (Kneeling) Sire, Ophelia would like to know news of Hamlets return Your son wishes to leave for France, what say you? Could we answer my question first? (Awkward pause)oh Ok, my son? Laertes That s my brother You test my patience fool 8
He is your son and Ophelia is your daughter Then he can go! Do I have a Wife? (Everyone laughs,polonius joins in until they all stop and he is still laughing until he also stops embarrassed) Enough! Take thy fair hour Laertes, time be thine, but now my cousin Hamlet, and my son (Enter Hamlet) Ahh Hamlet, Ophelia wants to talk to you Hamlet isn t in right now so if you would like to leave a message after the tone then please do so (Makes the beep sound of an answer machine) Oh he s not in. Right, oh I hate speaking to these things... You idiot just speak to Hamlet No leave him, my poor son is still upset at the loss of his father! He has lost his Father? Oh stop smothering him Gertrude dear he is going to be a grown man soon, he has to live up to these things. If you say so hubby I do, times are changing around here! Polony, wife come, later son. So where did his Father go? He is dead remember? Really? The former King is dead! Yes I Knew that actually (Pause) Right Oh same person, sorry Harry easy mistake, Cor! my knee it really hurts. 9
(Everyone leaves except Hamlet) This day does blacken You are a sad man, please cheers up (Exit Laertes) O, that this too too solid flesh would melt Thaw and resolve itself into a dew! O God! God!How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable, Seem to me all the uses of this world! Fie on't! ah fie! 'tis an unweeded garden, That grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature But two months dead: nay, not so much, not two: So excellent a king; that was, to this, Heaven and earth! Must I remember? why, she would hang on him, As if increase of appetite had grown Frailty, thy name is woman!-- married with my uncle, My father's brother, but no more like my father Than I to Hercules: within a month: It is not nor it cannot come to good: But break, my heart; for I must hold my tongue. Sorry didn t get that Basically, he is saying he is upset that his Uncle is now King and married to his mum and he feels like a little girl cuz he wants to cry Is he? On with the play, enter his mate with two stooges. (Enter Horatio, Marcellus and Barnardo and Voltemand) Not you Voltemand 10
Voltemand: I just want more lines! Get lost (Exit Voltemand) Marcellus: Marcellus: Horatio Yes me lord! What brings thee from Wittenberg Horatio? You my Lord Marcellus! My good Lord! My Lord Horatio what brings you here? Blanked, HAH, Gutted! I came for your Father s funeral Do not mock me. You came for the Coronation Indeed my Lord it followed Hard upon. But guess what I saw last night? A shooting star? A female Aardvark? The tenth planet? (Pause) Me thinks I see my father Where? In my mind s eye I saw a ghost? Your father If you have come here looking for a quarrel then you have one No sire as true as I am stood here now and those gravediggers are looking smelly and silly and Marcellus truly is the most miserablist man in the Kings ward. Then your father was walking and talking last very night! 11
Your eyes speak the truth but I can t believe what I am hearing, could this be true. What proof have you? These two men have seen him on two occasions. Why not see for yourself, apparently he has been seen at the same time every night. I wonder if he does Matinees? You vouch for this? Marcellus: I am not that miserable am I? Marcellus: Marcellus: Your not important enough fool. Answer me both do you swear on your sisters girly graves that you did indeed see mine father? Aye He doesn t have a sister but he is so miserable I am sure he would swear on his step brother s grave. I would dig it! Are you two taking me seriously? Aye master we both have seen this apparition. Right I shall see this for myself! In the meantime, let s go fly a kite! Act 1 Scene 3 Ophelia and Laertes Oh sister ist thou crazy? Why sayest my dearest brother? Because you sit and look lost and yet smile so constantly. It is love my brother, for Hamlet, though I fear he is lost in sorrow. 12
Laretes: He is lost indeed and I worry for you my dear. He is in a dark place and I fear that he will take anyone down with him, it is not his fault. Are you saying that I am wrong to love him? Not at all, we can choose who we love but there are plenty more rats in the sewer. (Enter Polonius) Laretes: I think you ll find that is fish in the sea my son Well either way you may have found love but you can find safer love elsewhere, honestly dear sister, think! Dear sister She is your daughter Oh yes, Daughter, I bid you good council, leave this silly grieving man alone and find love in someone else! Well I will talk to him and see what he says for I cannot just ignore he is here and forget that I do indeed love him (exit Ophelia) That crazy girl reminds me of my daughter That because she is your daughter Keep your eye on her my friend. I fear she will need help along the way. I remember how she needed a lot of help playing snakes and ladders when she was younger. She isn t playing snakes and ladders What a silly thing to say of course she isn t playing snakes and ladders, do you treat everything in life like a game 13
I will just forget we had this conversation Right let s move this on shall we? Yes why don t you two go and find out what Ophelia is up to? (Exit Polonius and Laertes) So Hamlet must see for himself that his father still walks this Earth Creepy! Act 1 Scene 4 (Enter Hamlet and Horatio) It is a cold night my friend, can this really be true what you have been saying to me? Yes my lord (Hamlet looks scared and upset, his father s ghost walks on and sits down) Father can this really be you? (The Ghost nods and points to his ear) Oh poor man speak I think he is trying to say something about his poor ear Shh! I think I will understand my own father (The Ghost carries on gesturing towards his ear but Hamlet doesn t understand what he is trying to tell him) How many syllables daddy? Oh for heavens sake, my ear I was killed by having poison poured in to my ear! It was Murther! Here we go again 14
You must mean murder! Really? What fiend has done this, mine uncle? Your insides serve you well young Jedi! I knew there was a reason why I hated my uncle for marrying my mother so soon after my father s death I must tell you that I... What? I am trying... You re breaking up Forget it (The Ghost walks off, shaking his head) Marcellus: Marcellus: I think he wanted to tell you something He did Look here Prince Hamlet, I think your father was trying to tell you that he has to walk in eternal limbo until you avenge his death. Oh I was going to do that anyway. No one must know what we have seen tonight. That is clear my lord I will run you through... Take Barnardo he tastes like chocolate Leave them friend they can be trusted I know I can! Chocolate? Swear! Big jobs! You mock me? Sorry We agree, we swear 15
Marcellus: Marcellus: Then it is agreed Right I am off to dig my step Brother s grave That was meant to be a phrase Well its a bit late for that I killed him! Look this is a tragedy and I killed my step brother because I had to swear on his grave, leave me alone (exits) So the plot for revenge is set Ooh this is getting really good Act 2 scene 1 Let s add some gossip in to this (Enter Ophelia and Polonius) My niece Daughter Oh yes, darling daughter what seems to be the problem... I have just seen the strangest of things Well that diving suit may seem an odd to thing to wear but I needed to see if it still fitted me... No not you, I know how daft you are. Hamlet has frightened me, for I saw him stark naked running around the courtyard making chicken noises! How odd! Are you sure! He could have been testing to see if the chickens knew the difference between humans and chickens? I fear he may have lost it and cracked An egg? No cracked himself and gone mad 16
We must keep our eye on this and tell the King if we see any more proof! Ooh that is hot gossip Let s move this on (Exit Polonius and Ophelia and enter king, Queen, Osric, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) Rosencrantz: Rosencrantz: Rosencrantz: Osric: Osric: Rosencrantz: The excellence Guildenstern and Rosencrantz Head or Tails my lord? Not now fool You boys have known Hamlet for some years Since childhood Indeed we have your majesty and good lady Harry is suffering from grief Poor boy Poor boy Shh! We cannot seem to bring him out of this, melancholy Have you tried, macaroni cheese? Perhaps he doesn t like Cauliflower! Can we shoot this man Sire he is but an imbecile Peace my lord, he is but a few sandwiches short of a picnic That was really nice of you Ozzy It s Osric Oh. Heads or tails? Shut up you is embarrassing us! 17
Look enough of this! Find out what bothers Harry Hamlet or you will be playing that infernal coin game with death himself. Bring the young gentlemen to where young Hamlet is (Exit the three courtiers and enter Polonius) My lord and Gertie That is mam to you Is it? Anyway the two ambassadors have returned from Norway and they seem to think what might be at the head of Hamlet s insanity, I mean craziness, no not craziness, sadness... They do? That wasn t their mission! Just bring them in fool He makes a good Jester... (Enter Cornelius and Voltemand) Voltemand: Cornelius: Cornelius: Voltemand: Speak The King of Norway offers some three thousand crowns in annual fee to pass his soldiers across your land I wanted to say that. He treated us well sire This is interesting news. We shall sup up over dinner on this question, what of Harry? What about him sire? Polonius said you knew of his sorrow Do we? Ahh left the gas on got to run bye... (Exit Polonius) 18
He makes me laugh, come good friends rest well for you have done well (Exit all, enter the Gravediggers) Well this is building our story more Will Roses and Guildhall actually get anyone to play their games of coin tossing? I don t know. I wasn t really expecting that question Act 2 scene 2 (Hamlet, Polonius, Rosencrantz, Guldenstern, player) Rosencrantz: Here you see come Rosencratz and Guildenstern to find out for the King what is making him crazy Their names sound like guitar makes! Ahh Harry (Hamlet raises a hand as he is playing Chess on his own) Rosencrantz: Rosencrantz: Heads or tails Hammers? We are playing a rather important game Look Harry, it has been ages, why don t we go for a drink at the local public house? Good shout sunner! Yeah we can play a more interesting game their What like OOARGH? Well yeah, why not! Look with all this yelling I cannot concentrate on this game No one s yelling (shouts) Well I am now! Look Harry calm down and just chill we are worried about you 19
Rosencrantz: Are they? Are we? No Why of course we are Look Rosie, I saw some rather large exports going out yesterday, looked like heavy stuff just pictures Harry, of the King Really? How much ten gold coins! That s less than he used to charge before he was King, something more to this than something natural. (Enter Polonius) My great man, I have the peeps you asked for! Polony No I have Bring them in then, King of Queens! Enter Thezzers! (Enter four actors) Actor 1: Actor 1: Actor 2: Actor 3: Who s he? That is the man, who will be Directing Right Look we haven t got our equity cards So what? I am the best in the company, just call me Nick Bottom Is that really his name? 20
Rosencrantz: Actor 4: Actor 4: Actor 4: Actor 1: Apparently, may I present the troupe known as the Mechanicals! Think we have the wrong play Oh you two I can t be bothered with pubs and social things so just have one on me But... The King won t be happy What does he want? To know whether you chose heads or tails Tell the King that I would not choose because I was far too busy I act Good! I act! Yes good, you two can go I act Sorry Harry I think he s not all here Right where s our trailer? I am pooped! Act 3 scene 1 King, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, Queen and Polonius. Rosencrantz And can you, by no drift of circumstance, Get from him why he puts on this confusion, Grating so harshly all his days of quiet With turbulent and dangerous lunacy? He does confess he feels himself distracted; Head or tails? (Guildenstern shakes his head) But from what cause he will by no means speak. 21
Guildenstern Queen Rosencrantz Rosencrantz Nor do we find him forward to be sounded, But, with a crafty madness, keeps aloof, When we would bring him on to some confession Of his true state. Did he receive you well? Most like a gentleman. I pity the fool! He means... Madam, it so fell out, that certain players We o'er-raught on the way: of these we told him; And there did seem in him a kind of joy To hear of it: they are about the court, And, as I think, they have already order This night to play before him. Polonius Rosencrantz: 'Tis most true: And he beseech'd me to entreat your majesties To hear and see the matter. With all my heart; and it doth much content me To hear him so inclined. Good gentlemen, give him a further edge, And drive his purpose on to these delights. We shall, my lord. (Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) This play shall rock Sweet Gertrude go to, we must talk a while Why do you put yourself through such things? (Exit Queen) Polonius, smells What was all that about? 22
Well you see Rosencrantz and Guildenstern couldn t really tell why Hamlet is acting so cuckoo but they told the King how Hamlet intends to stage a play! Yes! Can I be in it? No but you can watch, watch out her he comes. Act 3 scene 2 To be or not to be, that is the question Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, The pangs of despised love, the law's delay, To grunt and sweat under a weary life, But that the dread of something after death, The undiscover'd country from whose bourn No traveller returns, puzzles the will And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all; Soft you now! 23
(Enter Ophelia) The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons Be all my sins remembered. My lord you lent me this book you have just interrupted a very important speech Oh sorry, carry on No the moment has gone Well, here is the book my lord (reads the title)fly fishing by Dave E Lately? I don t own such a book Well I have come to return it Are you honest? My lord? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? What? Are you honest? Speak for I think though are not honest and yet I swear I once did love you Lord I do love you That is such a shame for as I see you here standing in front of me I have to say I do not love you Sire? Go be gone, no stay, no be gone, no stay My lord are thou ok? Should I stay or I should I go? If I go there will be trouble and if I stay there will be double Are you quoting the Clash? I do not or have ever loved you, now be gone, go to 24
(Exit Hamlet) Oh what a noble mind here is overthrown? (Enter King and Polonius) Do not startle young nymph for we heard everything We were ear wigging! Well done you idiot, well Ophelia that Harry should be certified He should be what? Straight jacket him, send him to England where fools dare to tread, he is a Hyde of which Jekyll has no control. He stark raving bonkers, no offence my niece None taken father Oh he has affected you too, bewitched your innocent mind No she is your daughter not your niece Oh! I knew that! Well I think I left the gas on again (runs off) Poor child a mad father and a mad lover, I ll be your boyfriend? Sicko! (Exits) Well you can t blame me for trying! Act Four scene one Bet your confused? I thought so, basically Hamlet has just given a mighty speech about what is life and what happens when one snuffs it! His girlfriend Ophelia came in and he made her feel like his crazy as he doesn t want her feelings to get in the way of his plot to avenge his fathers death 25
Whose death? You re an idiot! Ah thanks! Well how about a play? It needs to be rehearsed first (Enter Hamlet, Horatio and players) Actor 4: Actor 1: Actor 2: Actor 3: Actor 4: All: Actor 2: Actor 4: Actor 2: Actor 1: So how are the lines going? I act I know all mine Why can t I play Tron? Tron isn t in this play I act Yes we know If he keeps saying that I shall wait until it is night, fill my pillow full of bars of soap and thus beat the living snot out of him. You finished? Look my Harry knows Larry Lamb, Matt Damon Matt Damon Yes he does and as usual they aren t working at the moment so if you guys don t pull your selves together I ll call them That will not be necessary as we are professionals and we will rock this house May remind you how well we rocked the house with Pyramus and Thingy! Thisbe! Just act... (The Actors start acting out the play) What? This sucks, aren t you going to speak? 26
So they spent all night rehearsing and by the end of it Harry was therefore pleased. Well my lord if he steal aught whilst this play is playing and scape detecting, I will pay the theft... What language was that? If the King doesn t get the message after this play then I am a monkeys uncle! Thanks. You didn t need to shout though (Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) Actor 1: Actor 1: Actor 1: Actor 1: Actor 4: The King and everyone are coming! What do you mean everyone? EVERYONE! What like everyone? Yeah everyone Everyone Everyone Everyone? Everyone Matt Damon can act Act four scene Two (Enter King, Queen, Polonius and courtiers) Ozric: Voltemand: Actors: What infernal play are we about to watch? I m not sure I hope its Mamma Mia I hope not that s all Ophelia watches I feel a little unprepared. Prologue. For us, and for our tragedy, Here stooping to your clemency, We beg your hearing patiently 27
No not now Actor 1: (Character King)Full thirty times hath Phoebus' cart gone round Neptune's salt wash and Tell us' orbed ground, I am a King (Winks at the King) What are you doing? Nice and subtle Actor 2: (Character Queen)Where love is great, the littlest doubts are fear; Where little fears grow great, great love grows there Actor 3: And we sow the seed nature grows the seed and then we eat the seed... Actor 4: Matt Damon! Actor 1: My Queen Actor 2: My Kingeth! Actor 3: But what is this A Comet will strike the Earth Actor 4: Matt Damon And that s the end of the first half You and you are fired, you two you re doing it! He won t be much better (Actor 3 and 4 join the audience) What is this Harry a play or Eastenders? Very droll HAHAHAH very funny sire you are a comedy genius Please don t Oh behold Act 2 the King lies asleep whilst the Queen eats Brussel Sprouts. Actor 2: Oh no! but who is this creeping around Matt Damon No, just be quiet, it s a Hellion! What? Oh he pours poison in the Kings ear and behold the King Dies! (Actor 1 acts out the most elaborate death scene he can muster, which is equally awful) The End Bravo (claps vigorously) 28
(Audience claps and then it dies down as the King looks really angry) (Pause)This is outrageous who wrote this rubbish? Me! Well actually it was... (The Gravediggers shake their heads) Well I thought it was utter rubbish, I have a head ache... (Exits quickly) Well, Well, Well someone got out on the wrong side of bed. I thought it was a little violent but well done Hamlet for trying. I think it was simply terriblific That s not a word and you are being stupid! I am off! (Everyone exits except Hamlet, Laertes, Ophelia and Horatio) You seem to upet the King easily (Hamlet makes chicken noises and jumps around) Are you mocking my sister Harry? No she mocks me for I am not interested and she cannot get the message! But I do love you and know you do to Though art wrong, cluck, cluck (Ophelia runs off, Laertes follows her) Well that did the trick Half a share Exactly, The King was really upset... And Ophelia? Do not speak of such depressing things (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern enter) 29
Rosencrantz: Wow Hamlet you need to know the King is seething and the Queen... wants you to explain yourself We have been sent by the Queen, your mother to request you go see her now I know who my mother is, I shall not disappoint her... Act four scene three The Queen is sitting when Polonius Enters My good lady My dearest Polony I can t listen to your voice for long you are such a fool Look I came to tell you my dearest Queen once these hair straightners are invented they will take over the world and enslave us all! What are you talking about? The King is sending Hamlet away to England, oh I hear someone coming I will hide behind here! (Enter Hamlet) Mother tell me it s not true I am not talking to you Really No certainly not you have really upset The King The King is dead You are talking with a voice of treason The King was my Father, slained by an evil Uncle who is now an imposter on the throne and who shall die for his act of treason (Hamlet grabs the Queen by the throat) 30
You are a Succubus who must answer the call for your sins, who hides there? (Hamlet senses someone is hiding behind the Queen and stabs them through the curtain, Polonius falls out spluttering) Oh no I am slain after hearing that the King is an evil man who does evil things... he is dead Yes that is true (Dies) Look what you have done mother, this is your fault, you re doings (Grabs her again and pushes her on the floor where she covers her face) (Enter the ghost of the King who knocks Hamlet to the floor) Do not forget Father Do not forget, avenge my brother not my wife. Look at her sitting there! Harry speak with her. How does you Lady? Alas, how i st with you? Oh son where upon do you look? On him, on him, how pale and well dead he looks, like a ghost who was killed so unjustly by his, by your brother of all people. No I know you don t want tears you want revenge. Dear son to whom do you speak? Why me you daft woman You see no one? Apart from you my murderous son, no one! Oh typical, the eyes of a woman... 31
(Exit the Ghost) This is the very coinage of your brain Not coinage, you must see You are truly mad, you have cleft my heart in two, you must do something to... I must go to London must I not? Oh tis true, I forgot Let the King think you are madly devoted to him and then one night crack his neck. Hamlet that is so evil. Well I shall not bother you for England calls, apples and pairs and ginger beers, you know how it is. Kill the King s man, eat some spam and then leave your, mam! That rhymed! Fair well mother (kisses her and walks to leave) Uhm, best not leave this idiot lying on the floor! Come on Polony (drags him off) your worm food now! (Exit Hamlet) Act Four Scene Four King, Ozric, Voltemand and Cornelius Voltemand: Voltemand: I am almost annoyed! Almost my lord? OK very, very annoyed I am so angry I could hang the nearest person to me! (all the men in the room try and get away from the King) What has gotten in to you fools! Just playing a game of life and death! 32
Ozric: Cornelius: Voltemand: Sire, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are here Then they must answer to me I say those roses over there look nice Shh not now (Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) Rosencrantz: Ozric: All: Cornelius: Ozric: Rosencrantz: Ozric: Ozric: You are to leave at once (Rosencrantz starts to exit) Not right now Sorry master You are to take Hamlet to England He will, there for, sign to play for Portsmouth football club (Gasp) Harsh Once there his madness cannot affect this country any longer and he shall not return until he has calmed down. The Queen is most upset She is scared of what he may try and do My Lord have you not heard? Polonius is dead sire, murdered by Hamlet! WHAT? I am now so angry I could crush a red grape! Sire, we have no proof Hamlet did this dead! Go Rosen pants and Guildenstink you have one last chance, find the body of Polonius or you shall find yours floating in the nearest river! There is one surrounding this Court 33
No that is my toilet they will float elsewhere, now get me a red grape! Act five scene 1 Enter Laertes and Ophelia Father is dead I have heard What has become of Harry I loved him so Sister he is gone, crazy one flew west, one flew east and one flew over the Cuckoo s nest I cannot go on dear Brother I am an Iceberg without any water That doesn t make sense There's fennel for you, and columbines: there's rue for you; and here's some for me: we may call it herb-grace o' Sundays: O you must wear your rue with a difference. There's a daisy: I would give you some violets, but they withered all when my father died: they say he made a good end,-- And will he not come again? No, no, he is dead: Go to thy death-bed: He never will come again. His beard was as white as snow, All flaxen was his poll: He is gone, he is gone, And we cast away moan: God ha' mercy on his soul! And of all Christian souls, I pray God. God be wi' ye. bye (Exit Ophelia) Hamlet will answer for this. (Enter The King) 34
Laertes you look white Hamlet is the cause my good Lord, I know he killed my father We cannot be sure until we have proof! Once we have proof you can indeed have the revenge you lust! I will thank you when the day has come (Enter Barnardo, Francisco and Marcellus) Marcellus: Francisco: Francisco: Marcellus: Francisco: My lords, Ophelia is... No Dead my Lord, drowned in a one foot pond, they are painting the sight right now for the Forensics It is as a true as Vrai is true in the French language Sister, dead! She had flowers in her hand She died by drowning In a one foot pond? Nay she did not die of drowning she died of a broken heart! in a one foot pond? Act 5 scene Two Horatio, does anyone know of Polonius demise yet? I know not Harry! (Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) Rosencrantz: Where is the body Harry? Maybe they do! 35
Rosencrantz: Rosencrantz: Rosencrantz: Where is he Hamlet? I know not what you mean fools! Like you do not know that Ophelia is dead too? You lie No she drowned but some say she died of a broken heart This is trivial fools! Now go before your bodies go missing too! Ah so there is a body you know about? No, uhm yes, so what? What is it with our bodies? I will stuff you two like a huntsman stuffs his kills and post you to the King We come from the King Hamlet! He wants a body or he will rage over us! Really, the maybe I can give him what he wants, for the body you seek has been ground to dust just like I should do to the King. You talk of treason You have to side against the King to commit an act of treason. Boys I have a truly gruesome present for the King, come closer and I shall tell you of what you shall bring our noble cretin of a Lord. Act 5 scene four Rosencrantz: Rosencrantz: We are slain Harry didn t like the thought of England He has a message... Dust, the dust Half fat, dust 36
Rosencrantz: Heads or tails... (They die) Fools, both dead Hamlet, here a message is pinned to ones chest (reads) Claudius, that s you, I will not hide my intent but I will allow you to know that I will reveal to you why I am inane and I offer these fools lives in trade for your life (Pause) I wonder what he is trying to say? Oh wait there is more. I will kill you like the phony King you actually are. Oh Hamlet you now have my undivided attention. Act Five scene four Oh the duel is going to be soon Our story is nearing its end, quick here comes the King and his men Who couldn t put Humpty together again Not now fool I am in the Zone (Enter Hamlet and Horatio) Traitors, Horatio I will have your head on a spike for this (Hamlet kills Ozric) Whoops! Laertes you look angry, yeah you want to punch me right now, yeah you really want to punch me right now (Enter Leartes yelling, he and Hamlet fight until Laertes is knocked to the floor) Sorry Leartes, we shall be having a duel, but you can have his heart on a silver platter thah thah thah thah 37
Leartes: Leartes: Your a sick puppy Claudius but I shall now kill you for, what s the word? Oh yes treason and revenge. Hamlet you son of a gun He killed my father Laertes, he killed him and took a Kingdom that isn t his What? How do you know His father told him Your father is dead, poisoned! Hah! See he knows too much My father came to visit me as a ghost and has told me how he was killed by a serpent in the orchards I thought it was the King? He is the Serpent Enough of these lies, let s begin Ok stand back to back, I shall call out colours and you will take a step for each colour and when I say something that s not a colour then the first to turn and shoot the other will live! What if you say Orange? Ok I won t use Orange Let s do it (They go back to back) Yellow (The King turns and stands still), Blue, Red, Green, Yeovil Town Hamlet turns but the King is already facing him and shoots him Splat (Hamlet isn t dead and shoots the King who drops dead) 38
My sister is dead dear Hamlet, she died of a broken heart NO! (The Queen runs in screaming) No this is madness, what have you two done? (She drops down and cuddles Hamlet only to kneel up in pain as Hamlet has stabbed her, Laertes shoots Hamlet and immediately drops himself, as we see Horatio has shot Laertes, the court is filled with silence) Who s King now? Well that is a woeful tale (puts his arm around Horatio s shoulders)there never was such a tale of woe as that of Juliet and Romeo. But this was pretty bad Think you can tell me Bambi tomorrow night! Best we get on with these graves True my friend (The Ghost walks in and views the scene) wait, I m tired lets finish this tomorrow! Exit End 39
Extra scene To be added at the end of Act 1 Scene 4 (The ghost returns) My hour is almost come Alas poor ghost pity me not but lend me thy serious ear to what I shall unfold yes daddy, tell all So art thou to revenge when thou shalt hear What? Let me speak Sorry I am thy father s spirit Yeah figured that much Dooomed for a certain term to walk the night. Til the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt and purged away? You want me to burn the castle down? NO fool! I have to walk like this until revenge is sought from death! That makes more sense, who did this horrible deed? If you stop interrupting me I will tell thee As grumpy in life as in death Look do you want to hear about this or not? Sorry, carry on 40
Whilst I lay sleeping in my very own Orchard a serpent did sting my ear with poison that, stung the ear of Denmark Denmark has an ear? Metaphor stupid! Oh! you know noble youth who did sting my ear with deadly poison mine uncle? Ay that evil wizard who bewitched my beautiful Queen and has taken my throne for himself, if I was alive I would rip out his beating heart... It s OK I think I get the picture, don t worry ghost of my dead father, I shall truly avenge your death and kill this false prophet of a King! Horrible, horrible... (Exit Ghost) So uncle there you are, now to my word for I have sworn 41