THE BULLY PLAYS 24 Short Plays by Sandra Fenichel Asher Cherie Bennett Max Bush José Casas Gloria Bond Clunie Eric Coble Doug Cooney Linda Daugherty Lisa Dillman Richard Dresser José Cruz González Stephen Gregg D.W. Gregory Brian Guehring Dwayne Hartford Barry Kornhauser Trish Lindberg Brett Neveu Ernie Nolan R.N. Sandberg Geraldine Ann Snyder Werner Trieschmann Elizabeth Wong Y York Compiled and Edited by Linda Habjan Foreword by Susan Sugerman, MD, MPH Dramatic Publishing Woodstock, Illinois Australia New Zealand South Africa
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Happy Birthday, Heather Higby (I Am Plotting Your Doom) By Stephen Gregg CHARACTERS MERCY NIGHTINGALE... a student CHARLENE... a student HEATHER HIGBY... a student MONSTER HEATHER... a monster (non-speaking) TEACHERS (two) A MECHANICAL VOICE... (offstage) SPIES (at least two) RUMORS, RUMOR HANDLER PASSERBY STUDENT, SECOND PASSERBY (LIGHTS up on a cupcake with a candle in it, sitting on a pedestal.) MERCY (enters; speaks directly to audience). All right, everyone, listen up. My name is Mercy Nightingale. I have brought you here under false pretenses. This is not actually a play. This is more like a trap. Every single person here is going to help me destroy my arch-nemesis, Heather Higby. SPY ONE (enters). Eight minutes! MERCY. Thank you. 147
148 THE BULLY PLAYS (MERCY has a stopwatch, which she sets. SPY ONE exits.) MERCY (cont d). Heather is on her way here even as I speak, so we ll need to move fast. Here is a quick lesson on what we re doing and who we re doing it to. This is Heather Higby. (MONSTER HEATHER enters. While MERCY introduces her, CHARLENE enters, casually replaces the candle in the cupcake. She exits without MERCY having noticed.) MERCY (cont d). This is not actually Heather. This is a more appealing stand-in. Note the crazed expression in the eyes. (MONSTER HEATHER obliges with a crazed expression.) Note also Heather s claws, useful for stabbing people in the back. (MONSTER HEATHER reveals claws.) And of course, the fangs, designed to make sure something unpleasant happens every time she opens her mouth. (MONSTER HEATHER reveals her horrible fangs.) Say hello, Heather. (MONSTER HEATHER snarls loud and long.) This is a birthday cake. Today, [this day s date] isn t Heather s birthday in the traditional sense. Your birthday isn t only the day you re born. Your birthday is also the day that people start to see you for who you really are. CHARLENE (enters). Excuse me. MERCY. Yes? CHARLENE. I hate to be you jumped the gun. You re on next. After us. MERCY. No. CHARLENE. Yeah, you are. Check the program. (She has a program with her, or borrows one from the audience.)
Happy Birthday, Heather Higby 149 My play it s actually more like performance art is called Sparks. It s scheduled right before yours. MERCY. Yes, Charlene, and look at the bottom, where it says Order of plays subject to change. CHARLENE. Well, my mom has to visit my aunt, who s sick, so I have to get home to watch my little sister. MERCY. We already started. CHARLENE. I know. MERCY. Plus, my timing is crucial. I have a guest arriving in six minutes and thirteen seconds. CHARLENE. Well we can do our plays side by side. You know, sort of alternate scenes. MERCY. That s not gonna work. CHARLENE. I already got Mrs. Persimmon s [or an actual teacher s] permission. MERCY. She s not here. CHARLENE. She will be if I call her and tell her what you re doing. MERCY. What s your art thing about? CHARLENE. Gossip and rumors. MERCY. All right, that s not an excellent companion piece, theme-wise. CHARLENE. Actually it sort of is. MERCY. No. CHARLENE. I m taking the pro-position. MERCY. Pro? CHARLENE. Uh-huh. I m all for spreading rumors. I think we should gossip more. MERCY. You re right, this could work. Spies! (The SPIES enter.) These are my spies. Spy One. SPY ONE (says his/her first name). Hi. MERCY. And Spy Two. SPY TWO. Hey there. (Says his/her first name.) A spy.
150 THE BULLY PLAYS MERCY. I need a few extra minutes. Find a way to slow down Heather. SPY TWO. Done.