Goth Hospital Peter Rogers and Bob Apthorpe 1504 Alguno Rd. Austin TX 78757
2. FADE IN: STORMY NIGHT. EXT. SIGN CARVED IN STONE "OUR LADY OF PERPETUAL MISERY" B.G. HOSPITAL THAT RESEMBLES EVIL CASTLE/VILLAIN LAIR. OPENING OF "THIS CORROSION" (SISTERS OF MERCY) PLAYS IN. TITLE OVER: "Goth Hospital" (SFX thunder) INT. HOSPITAL ROOM -- NOTHING UNEXPECTED, EXCEPT FOR THE STUFFED OWL MOUNTED ON THE WALL. NUN with "flying nun" wimple leaves tray at bedside of RICE. is "Mister Positive Attitude." So chipper in behavior and line delivery that you want to smack him. NUN Dr. Bleeker is here to see you, Willard. Aces! DR. MARTIN is classic goth-style man -- tall, lanky, long black hair, sickly pallor, in all black with black motorcycle boots. He wears a traditional lab coat over this attire. (enters) Oh. Willard. How s life. Spiffy, doc! How are you? You realize you now have six days to live. A hundred and forty-four hours of fun! I can catch the premiere of Friends! I feel happy! Yes, that s what I m here to talk about, Willard. Ah, doc, it s all right. You always seem so glum. Why is that?
3. Because life is an unending pit of rotting misery. Hey, there, when life gives you an unending pit of rotting misery... (beat) You make lemonade. Exactamundo! Willard. Yeah? Shut up. (producing chart ) Your heart is as diseased and shrivelled as your spirit is irritatingly sunny. Your blood type is O double negative. There are six people in the world with blood like yours, Willard, and four of them were just tortured to death in Cypus. You need a heart transplant -- Yep! A brand new heart!... which you. Won t. Get. Hey now, doc, pessimism never killed anybody. Well, you bring up another point I wanted to talk about. For god s sake, there s a process here. The first step is to accept the bleak, soul-shattering painful realization that death awaits you.
4. Actually, acceptance is the last stage. Whatever. Look, do you realize what you re putting your friends and family through? Maintaining this delusion that you re magically going to get better... Better than ever!... and go skipping out into the sunset, Willard, this delusion is causing everyone a lot of pain. Doc, I don t have any friends or family. My ex-girlfriend Clarice burned down my parents house. Then Kelly slept with all my friends and turned them against me. Kelly? My ex-wife. Then Jennifer cleaned out my apartment. Took the cats and everything. So you have no one left. You re all alone. You will be like a tree falling in the forest. Nobody will miss you at all. How perfectly miserable... You ve got that all wrong, doc. It s a clean slate - I m totally free. When I get out of here, I start a whole new life and this time it ll be great! (beat) And doc, I ll owe it all to you.
5. NUN enters briefly. (Physical reaction -- loses it.) That s it. That s it! (begins throttling -- each word is clipped, while grunting with effort) Since you seem unwilling to understand, maybe a more immediate form of impending doom will get this through your thick head. Dr. stops, flips through chart NUN Bleeker? Get thee to a nunnery, you cheerful puppet of God. Well! (exits) NUN There. Now do you understand the pain! The suffering! I... Yes?! I... I saw my life flash before my eyes! Exactly! And wasn t it just so much heartbreak and suffering! I saw my puppy! What?! It was great!
6. Dammit! Can you do it again, doc? sighs dramatically, turns and walks away. drops to his knees, raises both fists to the sky. background, slowly over the course of the speech, appropriately Goth-y music fades in. In Why, why, why? Why must you mock me so? Forced to play God every day because you re too lazy to! I can t save them all; at least they could go gentle in to that good night. If you d get off your lazy ass and kill them mercifully in their sleep, saving them from another day of pointless suffering! But no, you leave that burden for me to bear, like some dumb plodding draft animal, abandoning me to the cold winds of despair. And you won t let this, your poor stupid creature, see his fate. What sick game are you playing? And you dare call yourself a god? How. Dare. You? (clapping) Wow. That was better than cable. You should be on one of those movies on Lifetime. You really think so? (snaps out of it) Well, Willard. Still... happy? Sure thing, doc! I ve got a long life of happy days ahead!
7. Fine! Fine! You made me lose my composure. You made me renounce my god. You win this round, Willard Rice. But you mark my words. I ll be back tomorrow. Ten forty-five sharp. I ll hound you, hound you to the ends of the earth, harry you to the end of your days! (crosses to exit) Six days! Yes... well... yes. Right. (stops dramatically in the doorway) We ll just... see about that. Okay! exits and door closes Same time man-ya-na, then! Ooo! (eyeing the tray of food) Jell-O! Fade to black (VO, outside door) Nurse! Get me the number of that morgue in Cyprus. FADE OUT.