Layout Category Overall Organisation Introduction and Conclusion Editor s Examples and Comments Concerning layout, Dennis sticks to the formal requirements: font size 14 double-spaced page numbers six sides justified right margin margins of 2 cm top, bottom, left printed front and back of the page numbered paragraphs and lines indented paragraphs http://www.uni-koblenz.de/anglistik/praxis/wrii/skinner/s04.html Dennis expresses his personal attitude and shares his personal experience Dennis justifies his statements and opinions (except for 1) by giving reasons Dennis includes the following required information: his own experience with writing at school and at university what he learnt from Writing I or better: he criticises the usefulness the course which chapters of HHH he would like to cover in Writing II the amount of work he has to do in order to fulfil the course requirements the estimated number of hours for work outside of class. http://www.uni-koblenz.de/anglistik/subjects/praxis/wrii/skinner/homework.html Dennis could have gone into more detail as regards: the critique of HHH (e.g. explicitly state his personal opinion) the reasons why he wants to cover the chapters of HHH the estimated amount of time for work outside of class (e.g. how much time for each requirement) Introduction: Dennis provides general information about the exchange of information and writing and refers to the English language in particular. Conclusion: In the conclusion Dennis states his personal opinion. The conclusion does not respond to the introduction. 1
Coherence: Paragraph Level Coherence: Sentence Level Mechanics (spelling and HHH, 33b, pp. 450-456 3: Dennis moves from concrete examples (experience made at school) to general but personal statements. HHH, 31b, (1d), p. 390 4: Dennis explains the different writing styles in this paragraph. Regarding school level, Dennis starts with the most important style, namely informal writing and then moves on to the less important style, formal writing. (Emphatic order) HHH, 31b, (1c), p. 389 Dennis repeats key words and ideas within one paragraph: 1: The key idea is the distribution/ provision of information. 4: Frequently repeated key words are informal writing and formal writing. HHH, 31b, (2), p.391-392 Dennis establishes relationships between nearly all succeeding paragraphs by using transitions (e.g. repetition of key words or ideas, conjunctive adverbs, transitional phrases): As mentioned in the previous paragraph,... (p. 2, l. 49), However,... (p. 3, l. 71), In conclusion,... (p. 6, l. 134),...to equip their future students with the best possible writing skills. Not only are consummate writing skills essential... (p. 4, ll. 84-86) HHH, 31b, (3e), p. 397 Points of critique: no link between 1 and 2 6 is coherent as the logical progression from one sentence to another is clear but not well developed in my opinion. Therefore, I propose to combine 6 and 7. Dennis establishes relationships between sentences by using conjunctions, transitional words or phrases: Thus, it is... (p. 1, l. 25), Writing II on the other hand... (p. 5, l. 118), My teachers did so for two possible reasons: First, [...] Secondly,... (p. 2, ll. 38-41), i I suggest using firstly, secondly instead of first, secondly. HHH, 31b, (3), pp. 393-399 Dennis frequently repeats the key words my teachers: My English teachers primarily focussed on [...]. My teachers did so [...]. First, I think my teachers [...]. Secondly, I am convinced that my teachers... (p. 2, ll. 36-43) HHH, 31b, (3b), p. 394 Points of critique: No conjunctions, transitional words or phrases in 1 to establish relationships between sentences. Spelling: Capitalisation: 2
pronunciation) Dennis correctly capitalises titles of books: Hodges and Harbrace Handbook (p. 5, l. 119) HHH, 9c, p.184 titles of chapters: Emphasis (p. 6, l. 130), Variety (p. 6, l. 131) Ungerer, p. 236 nouns and adjectives referring to languages and nationalities:...the English language... (p. 1, l. 21),...German secondary schools... (p. 4, l. 89),... a student of English... (p. 3, l. 68) Swan, p. 553 names of institutions: the University of Koblenz (p. 4, l. 87) HHH, 9a, (4), p. 181 Numbers: Dennis correctly indicates the divisions of books with figures:...chapter 31 [...], chapter 29 [...] chapter 30... (p. 6, l. 130) HHH, 11g, (5), p. 203 Dennis spells out numbers from one to hundred when writing for general purposes: two essays (p. 6, l. 122), five reflective learning logs (p. 6, l. 123), six hours (p. 6, l. 127) HHH, 11f, p. 202 Italics: Dennis uses italics for the titles of separate works: Hodges Harbrace Handbook (p. 5, l. 119) HHH, 10a, p. 190 Points of critique: p. 6, l. 130: Working with paragraphs According to Ungerer titles of chapters are capitalised, hence, Dennis should capitalise all main words of the title. Furthermore, in HHH the title is also written with capital letters Working with Paragraphs Ungerer, p. 236, HHH 31, p. 383 p. 4, ll. 88-89: Master s Degree As Dennis talks about the degree in general neither master nor degree is capitalised master s degree OALD, p. 787, Ungerer, p. 236 p. 2, ll. 38 & 41: First, I think [...]. Secondly,... I suggest writing firstly and secondly instead Firstly, I think [...]. Secondly,... Punctuation: Comma: 3
4 Dennis uses the comma correctly to separate items in a series:... was limited to copy vocabulary sections from my student s book, to do grammar exercises, and to answer comprehensive questions on texts. (p. 2, ll. 34-36),... in terms of conciseness, word usage, and clarity. (p. 3, l. 65),... concerning grammar, punctuation, and mechanics... (p. 5, l. 112) In Writing, p. 60 to set off non-defining relative clauses:...future teachers of English, who serve as a role model for their future students,... (p. 1, l. 26),... have to write research papers, which require a relatively high standard of English, and... (p. 4, ll. 91-92),... to write research papers, which I personally regard as... (p. 4, ll. 94-95) In Writing, p. 60 to separate introductory phrases: With the development of writing skills,... (p. 1, ll. 13-14, In modern society,... (p. 1, l. 15), Due to the current status of the English language,... (p. 1, l. 21) HHH, 12b, (2), p. 212 to separate introductory dependant clauses:, Although I learned writing at school,... (p. 2, l. 31), Since every student starts his or her career..., he or she cannot avoid... (p. 4, ll. 74-75), As Writing I is part of..., I had rather... (p. 5, ll. 115-116) In Writing, p. 60 to separate introductory words: Thus, informal writing... (p. 3, l. 59), Retrospectively, the reason for... (p. 5, l. 97), Therefore, I set... (p. 6, l. 137) HHH, 12b, (2c), p. 213 to set off parenthetical elements:... that writing practice, besides speaking practice, is... (p. 2, l. 42), The most important areas are, in my opinion,... (p. 3, ll. 72-73),... special writing classes, as for instance Writing I and Writing II. (p. 4, ll. 92-93), HHH, 12e, p. 219, HHH, 17e, pp., 255-256 to set off nonessential clauses:... about the philosophy of teaching English writing, although this philosophy is very time[-]consuming from a student s perspective, is that... (p. 5, ll. 104-105) For more emphasis, Dennis could also use dashes instead of commas. HHH, 12d, pp. 215-218 before a coordinating conjunction that links two independent clause:...students should not be confronted with [...], and teachers of English should not measure... (p. 2, ll. 45-46) HHH, 12a, p. 209 Dennis does not put commas
before that: I am convinced that... (p. 2, l. 41),... stress the point that... (p. 6, l. 134) ip. 3, ll. 54-55:... and, in addition, that students gain... The comma before that is correct as it is used to set off the parenthetical element in addition. Swan, p. 469, HHH, 13a, p. 223 to set off defining relative clauses:...for students whose mother tongue is not English... (p. 1, ll. 21-22),... is a style that is predominantly used... (p. 3, ll. 60-61),... the number of written assignments that students have to hand in... (p. 6, ll. 124-125) In Writing, p. 60 Colon: Dennis uses a colon to direct attention to an following explanation:... namely English: the contemporary lingua franca. (p. 1, l. 20) HHH, 17d, p. 253 Parentheses: Dennis uses parentheses to set off additional information:...chapter 31 (Working with paragraphs)... (p. 6, l. 130) HHH, 17f, p. 256 Points of critique: Comma: p. 3, l. 53-54: The advantages of informal writing for both teachers and students alike, are... I would either omit the comma before are as it separates the subject and the verb or put a first comma before for both to set this part of the sentence off as an parenthetical element. HHH, 12e, p. 219, HHH, 13a, In Writing p. 60 p. 2, l. 37: My English teachers primarily focussed on [...], but totally neglected... Commas are only used before coordinating conjunctions that link independent clauses, hence, I suggest leaving out the comma before but. HHH, 12a, p. 209, HHH, 13b, p. 223 p. 2, l. 43-44:...are essential for acquiring a foreign language, because... p. 5, l. 113-114: I doubt the usefulness [...], because of... p. 6, l. 132: I regard the latter mentioned chapters as very important [...], because... As commas are only used to separate introductory dependant clauses, I would leave out a comma before because. In Writing, p. 60 Inconsistencies: Regarding items in a series, Dennis usually put a comma before and, e.g.:... in terms of conciseness, word usage, and 5
Grammar (including verb, adverb, preposition, and article use) clarity. (p. 3, l. 65) but once he does not:...chapter 31 [...], chapter 29 [...] and chapter 30... (p. 6, l. 130) Usually Dennis uses commas to separate parenthetical elements but sometimes he does not: Formal writing on the contrary... (p. 3, l. 60) Formal writing, on the contrary,...,...writing styles such as formal and informal writing surely help to... (p. 2, ll. 47-48)...writing styles, such as formal and informal writing, surely help to..., Writing II on the other hand... (p. 5, ll. 117-118) Writing II, on the other hand,... Semicolon: p. 3, ll. 56-57:... while having their first experience with writing to pen pals, friends, or relatives; students soon get aware of... On the one hand Dennis uses the semicolon correctly to separate elements that themselves contain commas. On the other hand, the semicolon separates the introductory dependant clause from the independent clause, which is not allowed. Personally, I would rather use a comma instead of the semicolon. HHH, 14, pp. 226-230 Quotation marks: p. 4, l. 77:... I am convinced that any English writing experience... Quotation marks enclose words or phrases which are used ironically. But, I do not think that English is meant ironically in this context, therefore, I suggest omitting the quotation marks. HHH, 16c, p. 245 Hyphen: p. 5, l. 105: time consuming The adjective is hyphenated time-consuming OALD, p. 1362 Correct use of verbs: Dennis uses the simple past correctly to talk about past events: Although I learned writing at school,... (p. 2, l. 31), Back then, writing was limited to... (p, 2, l. 34), I had considerable difficulties... at the beginning so my studies... (pp. 3-4, ll. 95-97) Swan, pp. 415-416 Dennis uses the simple present perfect to indicate that the verb action began in the past, continues in the present and presumably goes on in the future: The distribution of information has played an imminent role since... (p. 1, l. 11), In modern society, the importance of writing [...] has increasingly gained weight. (p. 1, ll. 15-17),...I have been able to improve [...] in the course of my studies. (p. 5, ll. 100-101) New Headway: Upper-Intermediate Student s Book, p. 147 Dennis uses the going-to-future to express a plan, a decision made before the moment of speaking: As I am going to be a 6
teacher... (p. 4, l. 90) New Headway: Upper-Intermediate Student s Book, p. 151 Dennis uses should to talk about obligation, duty and similar ideas:...students should not be confronted with [...], and teachers of English should not measure... (p. 2, ll. 45-47),... there are some areas from [...] that should be dealt with... (p. 3, ll. 71-72) Swan, p. 516 Correct use of -ing form after certain verbs: p. 6, ll. 127-128: aimed at preparing OALD, p. 26 p. 4, l. 75: avoid writing Swan, p. 280 p. 2, l. 33: I loathed fulfilling OALD, p. 754 Correct use of adverbs: p. 1, ll. 24-25: the adverb linguistically modifies the verb competent p. 3, l. 52: the adverb frequently modifies the verb used p. 5, l. 110: the adverb elaborately modifies the verb answer Correct use of prepositions: p. 2, l. 39: to saddle themselves with... OALD, p. 1127 p. 5, ll. 97-98:... the lack of writing experience... Swan, p. 447 p. 5, l. 98: I lacked confidence (without preposition!) Swan, p. 447 p. 5, l. 106:... to look up rules in secondary sources... OALD, p. 760 p. 6, ll. 127-128:...is aimed at preparing... OALD, p. 26 Correct use of articels: definite article: when talking about particular things: 7
8 the English language (p. 1, l. 21),. the University of Koblenz (p. 2, l. 28) Swan, p. 56 when both reader and writer know which noun is being referred to:... the following... (p. 1, l. 27),... the previous paragraph... (p. 2, l. 49) New Headway: Upper-Intermediate Student s Book, p. 159 to refer to nouns with superlative adjectives: The most important areas are... (p. 3, ll. 72-73),... appreciate most about the philosophy of teaching English writing... (p. 5, ll. 103-104),... the biggest problems... (p. 6, l. 133) Swan, p. 125 the majority of students... (p. 4, l. 76) Swan, p. 319 indefinite article: to refer to a singular countable noun which is indefinite, it does not matter which one: is inevitable in order to learn a foreign language... (p. 2, ll. 42-43),...address to a specific audience. (pp. 2-3, ll. 50-51),... writing a letter of application or a curriculum vitae (p. 4, ll. 75-76) New Headway: Upper-Intermediate Student s Book, p. 159 used with professions: a teacher of English at secondary schools (p. 4, l. 90) New Headway: Upper-Intermediate Student s Book, p. 159 zero article: with plural and uncountable nouns when talking about things in general:... the instant provision of precise information... (p. 1, l. 16),... mankind presented itself... (p. 1, l. 14),...the significance of [...] and writing in the second place. (p. 3, ll. 58-59)... in-depth knowledge... (p. 5, l. 119) New Headway: Upper-Intermediate Student s Book, p. 159 common expressions without articles:... when I was at school. (p. 2, l. 30),... at university (p. 5, l. 111) Swan, p. 64 Points of critique: Wrong use of prepositions: p. 1, l. 14-15:... to put any piece of information down to posterity...down for posterity DCE, p. 1276, OALD, p. 985... to copy vocabulary sections of my student s book... (p. 2, l. 34-35) to copy [...] from... DCE, p. 348
Stylistics (including pronoun usage, shifts, register)... considerable difficulties with writing... (p. 4, l. 96) It is: difficulty with something but difficulty (in) doing something...difficulties (in) writing... Swan, p. 446 What I appreciate most about... (p. 5, ll. 113-114) What I appreciate most of... DCE, p. 61... the course s overemphasis upon... (p. 5, l. 114)...overemphasis on... DCE, p. 1175 Wrong use of past perfect: p. 5, ll. 115-116: As Writing I is part of the undergraduate studies [...] I had rather learned how to solve problems that regularly occurred to me while... Dennis should use the simple present as he refers to a past event. As Dennis uses the simple present in the first part of the sentence, he should use the simple past instead of the past perfect. Wrong use of verb: p. 4, ll. 77-78:...that any English writing experience can profit the students....that the students can profit from any English writing experience. OALD, p. 1011 Dennis avoids ambiguous, remote and implied pronoun reference. It is always clear what the pronouns he uses refer to, e.g. :... teachers of English must acquire consummate writing skills that enable them to equip their future students with... (p. 4, ll. 83-85) Dennis used the pronouns correctly: Correct use of personal pronouns: p. 6, l. 133:...these areas of essay writing pose the biggest problems to me... me = Object of the sentence Ungerer, p. 61 Correct use of reflexive pronouns: p. 1, l. 14:... mankind presented itself... p. 2, ll. 38-39:... my teachers did not want to saddle themselves with... p. 6, l. 137:... I set myself... Subject and object are the same person or thing. Ungerer, p. 64 Points of critique: Sifts in register: 9
Collocations (natural idiomatic English) As this is an formal essay, Dennis should use the long form not the abbreviated form: the first state exam (p. 5, l. 109-110) the first state examination, exam conditions (p. 6, l. 129) examination conditions In Writing, p. 65 Sift in person: p. 6, ll. 124-127: One can confer from the number of written assignments that students have to hand in that Writing II makes demands on students time, and I estimate... Better: Change the word order and make two sentences The number of written assignments that students have to hand in suggest that Writing II makes demands on students time. I estimate... In Writing, p. 64 Sift in number: p. l. 26:... future teachers of English, who serve as a role model... As teachers is the plural, role model should take the plural form too... future teachers of English, who serve as role models... p. 3, l. 73:... applications to jobs and university...... applications to jobs and universities... In Writing, p. 64 Use of the passive voice instead of the active voice: p. 5, l. 108: The special writing classes [...] are intended to... The special writing classes [...] intend to... In Writing, p. 65 Dennis used a number of nice collocations: p.2, ll. 31-32:... serves other purposes... Oxford Collocations Dictionary, p. 609 p. 3, l. 64:... meet the expectations... Oxford Collocations Dictionary, p. 278 p. 3, ll. 71-72:... wide range of formal writing disciplines... Oxford Collocations Dictionary, pp. 221, 618 p. 5, ll. 99-100:... concerted efforts... Oxford Collocations Dictionary, p. 251 p. 6, l. 133:... pose the biggest problems... Oxford Collocations Dictionary, p. 596 p. 6, l. 134-135:... performs a certain function... 10
Level of Vocabulary Level of Syntax (including use of parallelism, inversion) Oxford Collocations Dictionary, p. 333 Points of critique: p. 1, l. 11:... played an imminent role since... I do not understand the use of imminent in this context. To me the adjectives decisive or fundamental would make more sense. p. 2, l. 40:... to pose challenging writing tasks... The Oxford Collocations Dictionary does not give the combination pose and task. Hence, I suggest writing: to allocate challenging writing tasks instead. Oxford Collocations Dictionary, p. 787 p. 2, l. 36:... focussed on implying grammar rules... The use of the verb apply would make more sense to me in this context... focussed on applying grammar rules... Oxford Collocations Dictionary, p. 671 p. 3, l. 51:... the prevailing style of tabloids,... The Oxford Collocations Dictionary does not give the combination prevailing and style. Therefore, I propose to use characteristic or distinctive. Oxford Collocations Dictionary, p. 763 Dennis used some special terms: lingua franca (p. 1, l. 20), academic discourse (p. 3, l. 61), curriculum vitae (p. 4, l. 76), e-commerce (p. 4, l. 79), mechanics (p. 5, l. 112 Dennis used advanced vocabulary: eloquence (p. 3, l. 54), consummate (p. 4, l. 84), meticulous (p. 5, l. 103), posterity (p. 1, l. 15) Inversions: Dennis changes the word order for the purpose of emphasis: what-cleft sentence: What I appreciate most [...] is that lecturers... (p. 5, ll. 103-108) Ungerer, p. 230 Little did I know... Headway Advanced, p. 144 Parallelism:...students should not be confronted with [...], and teachers of English should not measure... (p. 2, ll. 45-47) correlative conjunctions: The advantages of informal writing for both teachers and students alike are... (p. 3, ll. 53-54), Not only are consummate writing skills [...] but are also fostered... (p. 4, ll. 86-87),... offers its students either to obtain [...] or to become... (p. 4, ll. 88-89) HHH, 26, pp. 344-351 11
Variety Special Comments If-clause: p. 3, l. 65-68: If these latter mentioned requirements [...] are not fulfilled by the writer, the readers will certainly doubt... Correct use of pattern 1 to express a possible condition and its possible result in the present or the future. New Headway: Upper-Intermediate Student s Book, p. 158 Dennis varies the beginnings of sentences. He begins with: adverbs and adverbial clauses: Although I learned writing at school,... (p. 2, l. 31), Back then,... (p. 2, l. 34), Retrospectively,... (p. 5, l. 97) prepositional phrases: With the development of writing skills,... (p. 1, ll. 13-14), Due to the current status of the English language,... (p. 1, l. 21), As course requirements,... (p. 6, l. 121) infinitive clause: To cut a long story short,... (p. 6, ll. 139-140) connecting words (conjunctive adverbs, transitional phrases): Thus, informal writing is... ( p. 3, l. 59), Hence, teachers of English... (p. 4, l. 83), Therefore, I set myself... (p. 6, l. 137) To introduce variety, Dennis separates the subject and the verb in a sentence:... that writing practice, besides speaking practice, is inevitable in order to... ( p. 2, l. 42), Informal writing, to begin with, is the prevailing style of... (p. 3, l. 51),... the philosophy of teaching English writing, although this philosophy is very time [-] consuming from a student s perspective, is... (p. 5, l. 104-105) HHH, 30d, p. 378 A lot of sentences start with as (especially on page 6, e.g. ll. 121, 128, 135) p. 5 ll. 111-115: Writing I was the first class [...]. Despite the fact that [...] are taught in this class... Although it is no mistake to use the simple present in the second sentence I would suggest using the simple past to establish a link between the sentences (both sentences then recount Dennis experience). Dennis uses very nice collocations in my opinion, the essay is well organised and thought-out as Dennis thoroughly discusses the topic by stating and reasoning his opinion and sharing personal experience apart from 6 all paragraphs are well-developed (examples and details) Dennis knows how to progress logically from sentence to sentence Dennis varies the beginnings of sentences Dennis uses pronouns correctly correct use of articles a few minor spelling mistakes 12
Reference Books some comma mistakes Dennis uses some wrong prepositions only minor shifts Crowther, J., Dignen, S. & Lea, D (eds.). (2002). Oxford Collocations Dictionary. Oxford, England: Oxford University Press. Fox, C. (ed.). (2003). Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English (4 th ed.).harlow, England: Pearson Education Limited. Glenn, C., Miller, R. K., Strobeck Webb, S., Gray, L. & Hodges, J. C. (2003). Hodges Harbrace Handbook (15 th ed.). Boston, USA: Heinle, Thomson Corporation. Skinner, D. J. (1994). In Writing. Ismaning, Germany: Max Hueber Verlag. Summers, D. (Director). (2002). Longman Language Activator (2 nd ed.).harlow, England: Pearson Education Limited. Soars, L. & Soars, J. (1989). Headway Advanced Student s Book. Oxford, England: Oxford University Press. Soars, L. & Soars, J. (1998). New Headway: Upper-Intermediate Student s Book. Oxford, England: Oxford University Press. Swan, M. (1995). Practical English Usage. Oxford, England: Oxford University Press. Ungerer, F., Meier, G., Schäfer, K. & Lecher S. (2000). Grammatik des heutigen English. Stuttgart, Germany: Klett Verlag. Weckmeier, S. (ed.). (2000). Oxford Advanced Learner s Dictionary (6 th ed.). Oxford, England: Oxford University Press. Grade (Editor 1) with reasons: Dennis definitely deserves a good grade because of the good organisation of the essay the logical progression from one sentence to the next (Coherence: Sentence Level) the (mostly) well-developed and coherent paragraphs the varying beginnings of sentences the nice collocations Yet, for the reason that I spotted a number of mistakes I would devaluate Dennis essay and mark it with grade 3 instead of 2. But, if Dennis accepts my thorough editing job and takes my corrections and suggestions for improvement into account he can reduce the number of mistakes and improve his stylistics. In that case, Dennis deserves grade 2 for the previously mentioned reasons. 13