COURSE 200: BASIC CLINICAL TRAINING IN IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY Module 1 Trainees Toolbox FACT A January 2008 edition A new way to love
Module 1 A: Toolbox Table of Contents Imago Consultation Process for Module 1-A.. 2 Imago Dialogue ing. 3-4 Imago Dialogue ing Outline. 5 Full Imago Dialogue key phrases. 6 Full Imago Dialogue... 7-9 Full Imago Dialogue Outline.. 10 Appreciation Exercise stems. 11 Appreciation Dialogue 12 200 1-A Toolbox for Basic Clinical Training, Dec 07. Imago Relationships International 1
IMAGO CONSULTATION PROCESS FORMAT FOR MODULE 1-A What I experienced in my body as I worked/watched your work was What I liked about my/your work was 200 1-A Toolbox for Basic Clinical Training, Dec 07. Imago Relationships International 2
Imago Dialogue ing The first step in the Imago Dialogue is mirroring. One effective way to mirror is to paraphrase, but if you find it difficult to paraphrase without interpreting or distorting, start with word-for-word mirroring. Begin with exchanging positive messages so that dialogue will have positive associations. Later, when you are proficient in the skill and have learned validation and empathy, you will learn how to express a frustration effectively. Step 1: Make an Appointment The one who wants to send a message must take the initiative. I would like to DIALOGUE about something. Is now okay? It is the Receiver s job to grant an Imago Dialogue ASAP, now if possible. [If not now, set an appointment time so that the knows when s/he will be heard, and take the initiative to keep the appointment.] I m available now. Step 2: The Send, the, and the Check Begin to tell about a topic you wish to discuss. Use I language. Let your partner see inside you. Share your feelings about what happened, what you tell yourself, what it s like for you -- whether the precipitating event was positive or negative. and check for accuracy. I heard you say or You said.... Am I getting you? Or Did I get that? Indicate accuracy. Resend the message if necessary until: Yes, you got me. or You got most of it and I also said... or I d like to express that again more clearly. When mirror is 100% accurate, ask: Is there more about that? 200 1-A Toolbox for Basic Clinical Training, Dec 07. Imago Relationships International 3
and Continue sending and mirroring until the Sender says there is no more. Step 3: The Summary Summarize the Sender s thought until 100% accurate. Let me see if I got it all. In summary, what you said was... Am I getting you? Or Did I get all of that? Indicate accuracy and resend if necessary until complete. Yes, you got it all. 200 1-A Toolbox for Basic Clinical Training, Dec 07. Imago Relationships International 4
Imago Dialogue ing - Outline I would like to DIALOGUE about. Is now okay? Send message, using I language. When talking about your partner only describe specific behaviors or words. E.g., When you said (or did ) I thought... and I felt. Check accuracy of the mirror and resend or modify any parts not clearly received. I m available now. and check for accuracy. Let me see if I've got you. You said or I heard you say. Did I get you? Is there more about that? Summarize. Let me see if I got it all. In summary, what you said was. Did I get all of that? Or Is that a good summary? Listen to summary and give accuracy check. Resend if necessary. Yes, you got it all. Or The part you got was and I also want you to hear. Switch Roles and Repeat 200 1-A Toolbox for Basic Clinical Training, Dec 07. Imago Relationships International 5
Full Imago Dialogue Key Phrases Make an appointment State topic in one sentence Speak about oneself not one s partner Send in small amounts Check mirror and resend any modifications Keep to the topic No shaming, blaming, criticism, contempt, belittling, etc.. Accept appointment ing Let me see if I've got you. I heard you say or You said. Am I getting you? or Did I get that? Is there more about that? Summary mirror Let me see if I got it all. Am I getting you? Did I get all of that? or Is that a good summary? Validation You make sense to me, and what makes sense is. I can understand that given that. I can see how you would see it that way because sometimes I do. Empathy I imagine you might be feeling. Is that what you are feeling? 200 1-A Toolbox for Basic Clinical Training, Dec 07. Imago Relationships International 6
Full Imago Dialogue Purpose: Imago Dialogue is a process that ultimately transcends conflict and creates connection and understanding, allowing two realities to exist in a safe context. You initiate a Dialogue when: 1. You want to express your appreciation and love. 2. You want to be listened to and understood. 3. You are upset about something and want to discuss it. 4. You want to discuss a topic that you think might be touchy. Begin with exchanging positive messages so that Dialogue will have positive associations. Later, when you are proficient in the skill you will learn how to express a frustration effectively. Make an Appointment The one who wants to send a message must take the initiative. I would like to DIALOGUE about. Is now okay? It is the s job to grant an Imago Dialogue ASAP, now if possible. [If not now, set an appointment time so that the knows when s/he will be heard, and take the initiative to keep the appointment.] I m available now. STEP 1: The Send, the MIRROR, and the Check Begin to tell about a topic you wish to discuss. Use I language I feel, I fear, I love, I tell myself, I need. Let your partner see inside you. Share your feelings about what happened, what you tell yourself, what it s like for you. When talking about your partner only refer to specific behaviors or words, e.g. When you said, I felt, When you did, I interpreted that to mean. and check for accuracy. Let me see if I've got you. I heard you say or You said. Am I getting you? Or Did I get that? Indicate accuracy. Resend the message if necessary: Yes, you got me. Or The part you got was and I also want you to hear... or I d like to express that again more clearly. 200 1-A Toolbox for Basic Clinical Training, Dec 07. Imago Relationships International 7
When mirror is 100% accurate, ask: Is there more about that? and Continue sending and mirroring until the Sender says there is no more. A Note about Overload : If at any point the goes on overload, s/her can signal a pause and say, I really want to hear all you have to say. Let me see if I have it so far. what s/he has heard, check for accuracy, then ask the to continue. The Summary Summarize the s thought until 100% accurate. Let me see if I got it all. In summary, what you said was.... Am I getting you? Or Did I get all of that? Or Is that a good summary? Indicate accuracy and resend if necessary until complete. Yes, you got it all. STEP 2: VALIDATION Validate. State the logic of the s point of view. You make sense, and what makes sense is.... I understand that you given that. I can see how you see it that way because sometimes I do. Listen to and receive the validation. 200 1-A Toolbox for Basic Clinical Training, Dec 07. Imago Relationships International 8
STEP 3: EMPATHY Empathize. Unless the s feelings are obvious, make some guesses as to what the is or was feeling. Feelings are stated in one word (i.e., happy, angry, confused, sad, cherished.) If your guess entails more than one word it is probably a thought (e.g. You feel that you don t want to go with me. Is a thought, not a feeling.) I imagine you might be feeling... or I imagine you might have felt... or I can imagine your feeling of... (if feelings were stated.) Accuracy check. Is that what you are feeling? Listen to and receive the empathy. If did not get the feelings or did not get all of the feelings, share with what your feelings were, e.g. I think I felt more or Yes, and I also felt. & Continue mirroring and sending feelings until accurate and all is said about that. When all three steps are completed (mirroring, validation, and empathy) SWITCH ROLES. The says: I would like to respond now. The now becomes the. Ways to begin the response are to say: What I experienced inside as I listened to you just now was. Or The way I would like to respond is. 200 1-A Toolbox for Basic Clinical Training, Dec 07. Imago Relationships International 9
Full Imago Dialogue - Outline I would like to DIALOGUE about. Is now okay? Send message, using I language. When talking about your partner only describe specific behaviors or words. E.g., When you said (or did ) I thought... and I felt. Check accuracy of the mirror and resend or modify any parts not clearly received. Listen to summary and give accuracy check. Resend if necessary. Yes, you got it all. Or The part you got was and I also want you to hear. Listen to and receive the validation. Listen to and receive the empathy. If did not get the feelings right or did not get all of the feelings, share with. I think I felt more or Yes, and I also felt. I m available now. and check for accuracy. Let me see if I've got you. You said or I heard you say. Did I get you? Is there more about that? Summarize. Let me see if I got it all. In summary, what you said was. Did I get all of that? Or Is that a good summary? Validate. You make sense, and what makes sense is or I understand that you given that or I can see how you would see it that way because sometimes I do. Empathize. I imagine you might be feeling... or I imagine you might have felt... or I can imagine your feeling of... (if feelings were stated.) Accuracy check. Is that what you are feeling? Switch Roles. The new starts with, What I experienced inside as I listened to you just now is or The way I would like to respond is. 200 1-A Toolbox for Basic Clinical Training, Dec 07. Imago Relationships International 10
Appreciation Exercise To practice the Imago Dialogue, the Sending Partner talks about something s/he appreciates about the partner and the feelings this helps elicit. The following sentence stems may be used within the structure of the Imago Dialogue: One thing I appreciate about you is or One thing I m grateful for about you/our relationship is. When you do that I feel or When I see that in you I feel (e.g. lucky, happy, inspired). What that feeling of reminds me of from my childhood is Thank you for that. The Receiving partner mirrors and summarizes, then validates and empathizes as above. BCT Toolbox 11/07 IRI used with permission 11
Appreciation Dialogue Therapist: Take a deep breath and relax, letting your eyes close, if you choose. Take a moment to reflect on a time, possibly early in your relationship or over the past week, when something your partner did or said touched you, something you would like to appreciate. It may be something you always value and admire a trait of personality or character, or it may be fleeting, a special moment in time a look, a touch, a word. Pause and enjoy the memory and then when you are ready, open your eyes and when your partner s eyes are also open, connect first with your eyes, sending the appreciation first with just your gaze. Then, when you are ready, decide together who will be the first to express their appreciation verbally, who will be the first Sender One thing I appreciate about you is (Keep going, elaborating on this. Keep the appreciation clean of all negativity or comparisons) When you did that I felt. How that is similar to or different from my childhood is Thank you for a) reminding me of that special feeling from my childhood, or b) helping me to experience a feeling I don t remember from my childhood. Switch Roles NEW What touched me about what you said was One thing I appreciate about you is (Continue as above) NEW When the couple has mastered mirroring, validation and empathy can be added prior to switching roles. BCT Toolbox 11/07 IRI used with permission 12