Lillenas Drama Presents The Doughboys from Bases Loaded... Nobody s Home By Stephen Hicks & Jerry Cohagan A look at how believers are to be in the world but not of it. Especially when it comes to money. It seems that Christians will talk about almost anything in public but money. Some women will tell you how much they weigh before they will divulge the amount they spent at the mall. Ask a man point-blank how much he makes in a year and he is likely to accuse you of working for the National Enquirer. Nonetheless, in The Doughboys we have undertaken the task of examining some of our attitudes about the Almighty Dollar. It seems so easy for the church to reflect the world s standards instead of the other way around. We in the church are indeed citizens of another kingdom. It is one that operates upside-down to our present world. As such, our values and priorities should always reflect those of the kingdom of God. Playing Time: 6 minutes Cast: JOHN: A young, apparently naive usher recruit HORACE: A crusty old codger who has seen one too many chefs spoil the broth Props: Offering plate Fake money The Doughboys (Scene opens with HORACE snoring in a standing position with ushering plate in his hand; he is older than JOHN and has been at the ushering game for years.)
JOHN: Excuse me, I m supposed to help collect the offering... HORACE (sizing him up): So, I got a rookie here, huh. Ever been a cash wrangler before? JOHN: Pardon? HORACE: You know, a bread bundler, a fin flocker, a shilling snatcher, yen yanker, nugget nudger, a penny poacher. (JOHN stares stupidly.) An usher! JOHN: Oh! Well, I did usher my brother s wedding HORACE: Well, that don t butter the biscuits here, my boy. There s no use crying over spilt milk under that bridge, is there. JOHN: I guess not. HORACE: You got a lot to learn before Mrs. Latimer fires up the mighty Wurlitzer. JOHN: It seems pretty simple. HORACE (jumping on him): Simple don t feed the bulldog, does it! It takes hours to learn what I call the three P s. Precision, Presentation, and Payoff. Clever, huh? JOHN: Sort of... HORACE: When we hit the aisle, it s in a tight formation, plates to the side, like this precise. (Marches in place) Think you can do this? JOHN: Well, I was in my high school marching band. HORACE: Then when we present the plate to a potential giver, we need a strong grip. (Demonstrates) Go ahead, try to take it. (JOHN tries and successfully wrestles plate from HORACE and stands with it raised above his head. HORACE tickles him and catches the plate JOHN drops.) See, always in my control. JOHN: I always thought we wanted them to take the plate. HORACE: Thinking don t burp the Tupperware, does it! You youngsters gotta get up pretty early in the evening to pull the sheep over my wool. (Pointing) Take Mrs. Ternelli, for instance. JOHN: OK, the one with the blue hair, still wearing the rain bonnet? HORACE: Bingo. She usually puts in a five and tries to make change. You ll need a quick underhand move to flank her. JOHN: My, this is a complicated operation. HORACE: That s right and if you can t take the heat, then you shouldn t live in a glass house. JOHN: What s the payoff?
HORACE: That s where we end up with all the plates moving down the pews toward Leonard. Then he has to stack em all and try to get to the office without dropping a dime. (Chuckles) Leonard doesn t like to be surprised like that. JOHN: I bet he hates it when the service doesn t run regular. HORACE: Especially if he hasn t had his fiber. Also, be aware of Mr. Larson: seventh row, second in from the aisle. JOHN: The one with the hearing aid? HORACE: That s not a hearing aid. That s an earphone to his transistor radio. He always listens to the ball game on Sunday morning. JOHN: Oh, should I just pass him by? HORACE: Don t you dare! He always puts in a 10 spot. If Hamilton is faceup, we re winning; facedown means were behind. Be sure to notice; it s the first thing the boys want to know once we reach the foyer. JOHN: You re kidding! HORACE: Do I look like a kidder. Ours is not to question why, ours is but to lead the horse to water and put the cart before him. By the way, I haven t introduced myself. The name s Grimley, Horace Grimley H.U. JOHN: H.U.? HORACE: Head Usher. Course you ll start out as a P.U. JOHN: P.U.? HORACE: Private Usher. Well break you in at midweek services til we see if you ve got what it takes. JOHN: Boy, there sure is a lot more to this T and O than I thought. HORACE: T and O? JOHN: Tithes and offerings. HORACE: You mocking me? JOHN: Oh, no sir. HORACE: Don t try to take me on in a battle of wits. JOHN: I d never fight an unarmed man. HORACE: Good. You know, I came into this world with next to nothing and so far I ve managed to hold on to most of it. Actually, there s been quite a bit of dissension among the ranks lately. Seems the pastor wants us to continue working both morning services without any extra compensation.
JOHN: I didn t know there was any compensation. HORACE: There isn t and that s our point. JOHN: Boy, and the auto workers think they have it tough. HORACE: That s why we re planning to unionize. The choir brought in the teamsters last year after having to sing The Messiah five nights in a row. It put such a strain on their chords that they immediately formed the BVD s. JOHN: BVD s? HORACE: Brotherhood of Vocal Denoters. They sing de notes, get it? JOHN: I do and that scares me. I thought we were supposed to be willing to sacrifice a little. We can t expect perks with these jobs. What demands could you possibly have? HORACE: Well, for starters we want the plates prewarmed. Last winter Leonard accidentally got his lower lip stuck on one. For a week he walked around with an offering plate in his lower lip. JOHN: I think I saw his picture in National Geographic. HORACE: There was talk of a lawsuit. JOHN: I suppose you want uniforms, too! HORACE: And matching ties with little outstretched hands on em. JOHN: I might ve known. HORACE: In fact, we re considering a walkout until our demands are met. We also want a 10% carrying fee from all moneys taken in. That way we can set up our own pension and profit-sharing plan. JOHN: You can t be serious! HORACE: We ve already formed the U.T.S. JOHN: The uts! HORACE: Usher s Tenure Society. JOHN: Why not go national and call it the Nuts! This is the Church, we re not supposed to act like the rest of the world. HORACE: You know what they say, if you can t beat em, check out the dues and join em. When in Rome, don t rock the boat. Never spit into the wind without an umbrella. You re either part of the problem or JOHN: We re supposed to be part of the Body of Christ! HORACE: We re just protecting our rights.
JOHN: What rights! We re supposed to serve God anyway we can! (HORACE is sprinkling cash in plate.) What are you doing!? HORACE: You gotta flour the pan to get the dough to rise. You gotta grease the axle to milk a dry cow. JOHN: Why do I get the feeling we should all get down on our hands and knees and look for your I.Q.? HORACE: Oh yeah! For your information, we re holding this morning s offering ransom until our demands are met. JOHN (grabs plate): You can t do that! HORACE (grabs it back): Yes we can! JOHN (pulling on plate): No you can t! HORACE (pulling it back): Yes I can! JOHN: Give me that! (Back and forth with plate) HORACE: It s not your money! JOHN: It s not yours, either! HORACE: Then whose is it! JOHN: It s... (struggling with plate) His!! (Jerks plate away from HORACE and the money goes flying above them and flutters down around them as they stare in shock.) HORACE: Oh great. This just chaps my lips! I wonder what the Nuts are gonna say about this. JOHN: Maybe the CEO has different plans for this T and 0. HORACE: CEO? JOHN: You know, the VIP... HORACE: CEO who s a VIP? JOHN: Yeah, check the KJV and the NIV. HORACE: I hadn t thought of that... Gee. JOHN: No... (both look up) G-O-D. (Blackout)
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