Laura Pfizenmayer Book Title Author
2 ArtAge supplies books, plays, and materials to older performers around the world. Directors and actors have come to rely on our 30+ years of experience in the field to help them find useful materials and information that makes their productions stimulating, fun, and entertaining. ArtAge s unique program has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, Chicago Tribune, LA Times, American Theatre Magazine, Time Magazine, Modern Maturity, on CNN, NBC, and in many other media sources. ArtAge is more than a catalog. We also supply information, news, and trends on our top-rated website, www.seniortheatre.com. We stay in touch with the field with our very popular e-newsletter, Senior Theatre Online. Our President, Bonnie Vorenberg, is asked to speak at conferences and present workshops that supplement her writing and consulting efforts. We re here to help you be successful in Senior Theatre! We help older performers fulfill their theatrical dreams! ArtAge Publications Bonnie L. Vorenberg, President PO Box 19955 Portland OR 97280 503-246-3000 or 800-858-4998 bonniev@seniortheatre.com www.seniortheatre.com
3 NOTICE Copyright: This play is fully protected under the Copyright Laws of the United States of America, Canada, and all other countries of the Universal Copyright Convention. The laws are specific regarding the piracy of copyrighted materials. Sharing the material with other organizations or persons is prohibited. Unlawful use of a playwright's work deprives the creator of his or her rightful income. Cast Copies: Performance cast copies are required for each actor, director, stage manager, lighting and sound crew leader. Changes to Script: Plays must be performed as written. Any alterations, additions, or deletions to the text must be approved. Permission to Film: Rights to produce, film, or record, in whole or in part, in any medium or in any language, by any group amateur or professional, are fully reserved. Royalty: Royalties are due when you perform the play for any audience, paying or non-paying, professional or amateur. This includes readings, cuttings, scenes, and excerpts. The royalty for amateur productions of this show is posted online. It is payable two weeks prior to your production. Contact us for professional rates or other questions. Royalty fees are subject to change. Insert the following paragraph in your programs: Performed with special permission from ArtAge Publications Senior Theatre Resource Center at 800-858-4998, www.seniortheatre.com. Copyright 2012
4 THE CHRISTMAS POLICE by Laura Pfizenmayer CAST OFFICER JACK FROST: An officer of the Christmas Police, in uniform including tinsel-covered epaulets and black wrap around sunglasses. Picture an intimidating elf. MRS. MAUDE KLAWES: Older homeowner, tacky enough to be in definite violation of good taste in decorating laws. Place Suburban American, a neighborhood with COVENANTS! Time A week after any given holiday. ACT I Scene 1 At Rise: There is a door on which is hung a Christmas Wreath, there is also a deteriorated pumpkin with lights strung around it and an Easter Bunny. OFFICER FROST, approaches from offstage and knocks on door. MRS. KLAWES answers the door dressed in Bermuda shorts and a Christmas sweatshirt with her hair in curlers. MRS. KLAWES: (Seeing the police officer) Oh my stars and garters, something s happened to Herbert! OFFICER FROST: Herbert? (Realization dawns) No, ma am I m not here about Herbert. MRS. KLAWES: Well then, you can tell my heart to stop galloping in my chest. Officer, you scared the bejuses out of me! Hold me up I think I might faint. (Twirls around and flops against OFFICER FROST who struggles to hold her up.)
5 OFFICER FROST: (Takes and leans her against the door post) Do we need to call the paramedics? MRS. KLAWES: (Fanning herself, she stands erects) No, no I m regaining my composure. If Herbert is fine, what are you doing at my door? OFFICER FROST: To deliver the citation ma am. MRS. KLAWES: The citation? OFFICER FROST: Yes ma am, you ve been issued a Decorating Citation. I m with the Christmas Police. MRS. KLAWES: The Christmas Police? OFFICER FROST: (Putting his hand to his hat in salute) Officer Frost, Officer Jack Frost of the Christmas Police. Decorations Division. MRS. KLAWES: Officer Jack Frost if that is your real name which I doubt I have never heard of such a thing. Show me your identification. OFFICER FROST: (Pulls out his identification which she scrutinizes closely) Are you Mrs. Klawes, Mrs. Maude Klawes? MRS. KLAWES: And what if I am? And no Santa jokes, my name s spelled K L A W E S and my Herbert doesn t wear a red suit. (beat) Do you report to Santa? OFFICER FROST: Indirectly. I report to a relatively new government agency charged with the enforcement of good taste for all major holidays, secular and religious. MRS. KLAWES: Big Brother is here and he s wearing an elf hat. OFFICER FROST: We don t wear elf hats. That would be in bad taste. MRS. KLAWES: (Snatches the citation out of his hand) What is this all about? (Begins to read) Violation of Inter-Holiday Decoration.
6 OFFICER FROST: That would be the pumpkin, the bunny here and the wreath. It s a ménage à trois of holidays. We do not condone the random mixing of seasonal celebrations no matter what those liberals with the Hanakawansa thing think. MRS. KLAWES: (Continuing to read) One count of gross bad taste in exterior lighting. OFFICER FROST: Just exactly how long have you had those icicle lights up, ma am? MRS. KLAWES: Since a little before Christmas. OFFICER FROST: Ma am, that s not what was reported to us. MRS. KLAWES: Christmas before last? OFFICER FROST: Ma am? MRS. KLAWES: Fine, three years all right! But we don t plug them in except in December. OFFICER FROST: And when you plug them in, how many light up? MRS. KLAWES: About half. OFFICER FROST: Gross violation! MRS. KLAWES: (Indigent)Anything else? OFFICER FROST: The headless Santa on the roof. MRS. KLAWES: I d forgotten about him. Blew off in Hurricane Claude. OFFICER FROST: Disrespect to a seasonal icon. It s as bad as burning the flag. END OF FREEVIEW You ll want to read and perform this show!