The Elevator An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, Silver Walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a very unattractive older woman moved up to the moving Walls and pressed a button. The Walls opened, and the lady stepped between them into a small room. The Walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the Walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the Walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother." VEGETATIVE STATE - A man was sitting in the living room in his recliner. He and his wife had just finished watching a news report about people who live a long time in a coma. As the report ended, he turned to his wife and said: "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So, his wife got up and unplugged the television!! WEDDING POEM "When you walk down the aisle don't look grim." When I stand by the altar the groom must not falter." Said the preacher. "We'll then sing a hymn. "Ahh yes," said the bride, "Aisle, altar, hymn." - Gill Krebs 1
MARRIAGE - The Older Couple Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers: "Yes." Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "Medicine for memory?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety." Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases." Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works." Jacob: "You have loose bladder and gas pills?" Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics." Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts." Marriage is - Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering The last fight The last fight was my fault, the husband said. When my wife asked, What s on the TV? I simply responded, Dust! In the beginning - In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man has rested. 2
Why men die first - Why do men die before their wives? Ans: Because they want to! Hungry? - A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said I haven t eaten anything in four days. She looked at him and said, I wish I had your willpower. Bigamy - Do yo know the punishment for bigamy? Ans: Two mothersin-law. Do you know your spouse? - Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn t know his wife until he marries her. Is this true? Dad: That happens in every country, son! Ad - A man inserted an ad in the classified; wife wanted. The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing, You can have mine. Birthday - The most effective way to remember your wife s birthday is to forget it once. My wife is First guy says proudly, My wife s an angel. Second guy responds, You re lucky, mine s still alive. Marriage defined How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. Just Thinking Just think, if it weren t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. 3
Sleep Talking If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attendion to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Real Happiness Then there was a man who said, I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late. Important Question - A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? The father replied, I don t know son, I m still paying. Miss Right I married Miss Right. I just didn t know her first name was Always. Listening Skills I haven t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don t want to interrupt her. Clueless One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $99.50." It Really Means "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides 4
white." "It's a guy thing." Really means... There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means...absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling. "Good idea." Really means... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating." "Have you lost weight?" Really means... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill." "My wife doesn't understand me." Really means... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them." "It would take too long to explain." Really means... "I have no idea how it works." "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means..."the batteries in the remote are dead." "I got a lot done." Really means... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture." "We're going to be late." Really means..."now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." 5
"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means..."she used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means..."i can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "That's interesting, dear." Really means..."are you still talking?" "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means... "I forgot our anniversary again." "You expect too much of me." Really means..."you want me to stay awake." "It's a really good movie." Really means..."it's got guns, knives, fast cars." "That's women's work." Really means..."it's difficult, dirty, and thankless." 6