A Story of Great Good Fortune

Penny Penniworth: A Story of Great Good Fortune Comedy by Chris Weikel

[Penny Penniworth] deserves to become a staple. The New York Times Sharp, fast and funny. New York Post Clever witty Chris Weikel lampoons British accents and famous literary characters with expertise. Huffington Post Penny Penniworth: A Story of Great Good Fortune Comedy. By Chris Weikel. Cast: 2m., 2w. Penny Penniworth is a labyrinthine romp through 19th-century English literature as presented by a severely shortstaffed theatre troupe with Royal Shakespeare Company pretensions that decides to produce a lost Dickens epic. The eponymous Penny, a down-onher-luck Dickensian waif, deprived of her fortune and her country estate by the untimely death of her hapless father (her father s name is actually Hapless, as it happens), must go off to London and navigate her way among unscrupulous suitors, incorrigible urchins and anonymous benefactors. After throwing herself on the mercy of the family solicitor, Mr. Bunting (of the firm Bunting, Bunting and Swagg, naturally), Penny and her mother are sent to live with the slightly deranged Miss Havasnort to cater to her every whim. Penny soon becomes prey to the roguish Rupert Stryfe, heir to the House of Stryfe. What is an innocent young girl to do? The play is a tour de force for four actors who portray a cavalcade of comic characters in a gender-bending tale of true love thwarted, wealth, deception, abduction and true love regained. Chris Weikel knows that Dickens is practically his own parody; his story about a young maid who loses love and then, through a preposterously circuitous journey, finds it again is exaggerated only ever so slightly from what Dickens might have written. (The New York Times) Unit set. Approximate running time: 75 minutes. Code: PK6. Cover: Emerging Artists Theatre, Tada! Youth Theatre, New York City. (l-r) Christopher Borg, Jamie Heinlein, Ellen Reilly and Jason O Connell. Photo: Ned Thorn. Cover design: Susan Carle. ISBN 10: 1-58342-813-5 ISBN 13: 978-1-58342-813-9 Dramatic Publishing 311 Washington St. Woodstock, IL 60098 Phone: (800) 448-7469 (815) 338-7170 www.dramaticpublishing.com Printed on recycled paper

PENNY PENNIWORTH A Story of Great Good For tune By CHRIS WEIKEL Dra matic Pub lish ing Woodstock, Il li nois Aus tra lia New Zea land South Af rica

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IM POR TANT BILL ING AND CREDIT RE QUIRE MENTS All pro duc ers of the play must give credit to the au thor of the play in all pro - grams dis trib uted in con nec tion with per for mances of the play and in all in - stances in which the ti tle of the play ap pears for pur poses of ad ver tis ing, pub li ciz ing or oth er wise ex ploit ing the play and/or a pro duc tion. The name of the au thor must also ap pear on a sep a rate line, on which no other name ap pears, im me di ately fol low ing the ti tle, and must ap pear in size of type not less than fifty per cent (50%) the size of the ti tle type. Bio graph i cal in for ma - tion on the au thor, if in cluded in the playbook, may be used in all pro grams. In all pro grams this no tice must ap pear: Pro duced by spe cial ar range ment with THE DRA MATIC PUB LISH ING COM PANY of Woodstock, Il li nois

Penny Penniworth: A Story of Great Good For tune was pro duced off-broad way by Emerg ing Art ists The ater (EAT), Paul Ad ams, ar tis tic di rec tor, at Tada! Youth The - ater in New York City, Oc to ber 5-No vem ber 1, 2009, and Sep tem ber 8-Oc to ber 3, 2010, di rected by Mark Finley with the fol low ing art ists: MAN 1...Chris to pher Borg MAN 2...Ja son O Connell, Lee Kaplan WOMAN 1...El len Reilly WOMAN 2....Jamie Heinlein Un der stud ies: Lee Kaplan, Ka ren Stanion Set Design...Tim McGrath Light ing Design....G. Benjamin Swope Cos tume De sign...house of Goody Sound De sign....aaron Blank Music...Pe ter Saxe Stage Man ager...terra Vetter 4

AU THOR S NOTE I ve al ways loved the clas sics in a gen eral sort of way, but as luck would have it, when I first moved to New York City I had an apart ment in Queens and a daily com mute into Manhattan for my sur vival job. I got a lot of read ing done on the train back and forth. I ve never been able to man age a news pa per on the sub - way so I de cided to get pa per back edi tions of all the clas sics of Eng lish lit er a ture which I was sup posed to have read in high school and col lege but never got around to. You know: Thomas Hardy and Jane Austen and the Brontës. All those Brontës. Read - ing Dick ens was a rev e la tion. The char ac ters are just so ex qui - sitely drawn and it s im pos si ble not to get swept up in the sto ries. I re mem ber stay ing up all night to fin ish read ing Great Ex pec ta - tions. I could n t put it down. About the same time I d started writ ing plays. My first at tempts were the sort of moody char ac ter pieces young writ ers do a lot of. Nice, but not a lot of for ward mo tion. Not much story. So I de cided if I wanted ac tion and plot why not turn to my be loved Dick ens? Thus Penny Penniworth was born as sort of an as sign ment to my self. It s not only an hom age to 19th-cen tury lit er a ture but to a cer tain style of thea tre and the at ri cal sto ry tell ing. When I was at an im pres sion able age I saw a tele vised ver sion of the Royal Shake speare Com pany pro - duc tion of Nich o las Nikleby and fell in love. I was an ear nest young ac tor and de cided that that was the sort of epic, highly the at ri cal ex pe ri ence I wanted to cre ate. I even had a pic ture of Roger Rees as Nich o las and Da vid Threlfall as Smyke on my wall in col lege. I was that much of a thea tre geek. I first be gan writ ing Penny with a par tic u lar set of four ac tors in mind, and much of the script is tai lored to those ac tors par tic u lar tal ents. It has al ways been de signed to be a play for four ac tors, how ever, two men and two women. First-time read ers of the script might be tempted to think of split ting up the tiny roles in 5

or der to em ploy more ac tors, but I in sist that po ten tial di rec tors and pro duc ers fight this im pulse. It is a play for four ac tors two men and two women no more and no less. The play would lose all its charm and most of its wit and would sim ply no lon ger be the play I wrote. And any way, it s just more fun with a cast of four, and if you d ever wit nessed the de li cious Jamie Heinlein si - mul ta neously play ing Penny and Dump ab duct her self and then drag her self off the stage, you d agree. Stag ing should be sim ple and cre ative. Don t over bur den your self with props or fur ni ture. The New York pro duc tion had a very spare de sign just a chair, a foot stool and some doors. Like wise, the cos tumes had a sim ple, el e gant and slightly an drog y nous 19th-cen tury look with capes that be came skirts, but I en cour age de sign ers to be cre ative. All you re ally need to pro duce Penny Penniworth is a spat ula and a dream. Fi nally, I would en cour age per form ers and di rec tors when stag - ing the play to con stantly look for the heart. Yes it is ab surd. Yes it should be up roar i ous, but never at the ex pense of the story. Within all the wacky com edy we need to gen u inely care about Penny or the play falls apart. I think that in ev i ta bly what lifted the play be yond a kind of twee writ ing ex er cise for me was that on some level I truly re late to Penny and des per ately want her to suc ceed. MU SIC NOTE: You are wel come to cre ate your own mel ody to the lyr ics on page 31. 6

PENNY PENNIWORTH A Story of Great Good For tune CHAR AC TERS MAN 1 Plays Hotchkiss Spit and Oth ers MAN 2 Plays Rupert Stryfe, heir to the house of Stryfe and oth ers WOMAN 1 Plays Ms. Havasnort and oth ers WOMAN 2 Plays Penny Penniworth and oth ers TIME The pres ent but evok ing a time early in the reign of Queen Vic to ria. PLACE A stage, meant to sig nify Merrie Olde Englande. A NOTE ABOUT EN TRANCES AND EX ITS Penny Penni worth is an ex tremely fast-paced play. In the orig i nal New York pro duc tion, the four ac tors rarely left the stage and of ten changed char ac ters in full view of the au di ence, with min i mal, some times non-ex is tent changes to cos tume. This adds to an excitingly off-kil ter qual ity and keeps the au di ence guess ing. 7

PENNY PENNIWORTH A Story of Great Good For tune (Lights up on a ta bleaux. Four ac tors in a sem blance of Dick en sian cos tume are posed in an at ti tude of amused de tach ment. They speak di rectly to the au di ence.) MAN 1. There once lived in a re mote part of the county of Wootenhamshireshire, WOMAN 1. Very near the White Cliffs of Do ver, MAN 1. In a ham let known as Uglyberry-on-the-bog, MAN 2. One Mr. Hap less Penniworth, WOMAN 1. A gen tle man of mod est in come, who lived in a mod est coun try manor with MAN 1. His mod est wife, Mrs. Lavinia Penniworth, WOMAN 2. And their mod est daugh ter, Miss Penelope Penniworth, MAN 2. A pretty young thing known to all the world as Penny. (ALL sigh.) WOMAN 1. Penny spent the care free days of her idle maid en hood in the com pany of two of the vil lage youths: 9

10 PENNY PENNIWORTH MAN 1. The black smith s boy, Hotchkiss Spit, known to all the world as Hock, WOMAN 1. And young Rupert Stryfe, heir to the house of Stryfe, MAN 1. Known to all the world as WOMAN 1. Young Rupert Stryfe, heir to the house of Stryfe. MAN 2. Yes. WOMAN 2. The wee ones ca vorted end lessly about the bog. HOCK (M1). Och, Muss Pennaye, uh ken which uh m ownly ahn egggnorant blahcksmith s boaye, but I belieahve I love yaou with all that pouwer which maye hart doth. PENNY (W2). Oh, Hock, I be lieve you do, and though you are but an ig no rant black smith s boy, I tell you I love you with all my heart as well. HOCK (M1). Muss Pennaye, I pludge my life to you. I will love nought owther as long as I live and though it may be a muckle years I will prove my self wurrthy to ask your fa ther for your hand. PENNY (W2). Oh, Hock, I pledge with the in no cence of youth to love no-one but you for as long as I shall live. WOMAN 1. Just then, an ill wind blew young Rupert Stryfe, heir to the house of Stryfe, onto the scene. STRYFE (M2). You d better mind your sta tion, Hock Spit. You are noth ing but an ig no rant black smith s boy. You can never marry the likes of Miss Penny. She will one day be my wife and Lady Stryfe. PENNY (W2). I shall never marry you, Rupert Stryfe, heir to the house of Stryfe! You are a cruel boy.

A Story of Great Good Fortune 11 STRYFE (M2). You are too proud, Miss Penny. I ll make you re gret say ing those words one day. HOCK (M1). Yewd but ter laeave hurr aloooone, Stryfe, be fore I knoch you daowne vomm on yuir keester. STRYFE (M2). What did he say? PENNY (W2). He said you d better leave me alone be fore he knocks you down. STRYFE (M2). OOOooo. I m fright ened. (HOCK strikes STRYFE.) OUCH, you oaf, you hurt me. HOCK (M1). I ll do wurse, ye great mis er a ble sheep-biter ye, if you ever come near Muss Pennaye again. STRYFE (M2). What!!? PENNY (W2). He said he d do worse if you ever come near me again! WOMAN 1. And thus were child ish prom ises made. STRYFE (M2). Oh re ally!? What re you go ing to do? My fa ther is the most pow er ful man in town. Ha-ha. Look, I m near her. Look, I m near her again. Neener neener neeee-neeer. Uhf MAN 1. And just then, Hock, not know ing his own strength, struck young Rupert Stryfe, WOMAN 1. Heir to the house of Stryfe MAN 1. Right. Struck him roundly on the jaw, knock ing him down into the mud where he struck his head upon a de posit of ba salt, MAN 2. Some what un com mon in a bog, WOMAN 1. Un til he bled pro fusely from the tem ple. HOCK (M1). Uss hae deead? PENNY (W2). No, I don t think he s dead, but all the same you must run from here, Hock. There s no tell ing what his fa ther might do to you. Run far from this place.

12 PENNY PENNIWORTH HOCK (M1). Vurry weell, Muss Pennaye. Uh shull roon awaye too Uhmurrrica, foor uh heare a yoong maaan maye maaake huss foootune theyre, thooo hae be nought boot ahn egggnorant blahcksmith s boaye. But uh swarrre uh shall reaturrn ounew daye. PENNY (W2). all right. HOCK (M1). Whut uh said wuss PENNY (W2). That you will go to make your for tune in Amer ica and re turn for me one day Sorry. HOCK (M1). Och warn t nought yoiurrr knakered. WOMAN 1. So off Hock went to Amer ica aboard the good ship Fancy Free. SEA CAP TAIN (M2). Land ho! HOCK (M1). Och! Land? Ess it Uumerrrrica then? SEA CAP TAIN (M2). Yes in deed what did you say? HOCK (M1). Ess it Uumerrrrica then? SEA CAP TAIN (M2). Amer ica? HOCK (M1). Aye. SEA CAP TAIN (M2). Oh heav ens no. That s Maricaibo Sorry, lad, I must have mis un der stood you when you boarded. Well no mat ter. A young man may make his for tune HOCK (M1). LOOK! SEA CAP TAIN (M2). What? HOCK (M1). Thairrrrre! A greeeat black sheeeeep! SEA CAP TAIN (M2). Non sense, there are no sheep at sea. HOCK (M1). Och. Noooo. A greeeat veasssel flyin the hated jooolly rooogerrrr. SEA CAP TAIN (M2). What? HOCK (M1). It s buccaneeeeerrrs! Corsaaaiiirs! Scaaally - waags!

A Story of Great Good Fortune 13 SEA CAP TAIN (M2). What? PI RATES (W1 & W2). PI RATES! SEA CAP TAIN (M2). Pi rates?! HOCK (M1). Aye! PI RATES (W1 & W2). Arrrrr! HOCK (M1). Och! PI RATES (W1 & W2). Arrrrr!? HOCK (M1). Och!? PI RATE QUEEN (W1). Avast! Be lay yer toounge- wag - gin, ye lily-liv ered land lub ber. Now, me bucko, tell me smartly where the booty s at, afore I make ye kiss the gun ner s daugh ter! HOCK (M1). What? PI RATE QUEEN (W1). That s it, lads! Scup per the blaggard! MAN 2. And thus was the good ship Fancy Free scut tled by Mad Mab the pi rate queen. PENNY (W2). Ah me! MAN 1. Mean while, back in Uglyberry-on-the-bog, Rupert Stryfe WOMAN 1. Heir to the house of MAN 1. Yes. Heir to the house of Stryfe was rushed to the local sur geon, WOMAN 2. Who was, in fact, also the lo cal watch maker. WOMAN 1. The sur geon, who al ways thought ma chines more per fect than men, re placed bits of the heir to the house of Stryfe s skull with a metal plate. MAN 2. Which was hardly vis i ble. WOMAN 1. Though if you looked closely at the edge of the boy s scalp you would see the in scrip tion Made in Eng land.

14 PENNY PENNIWORTH MAN 2. In any case, once the hub bub sur round ing this in - ci dent had died down, ALL (grad u ally dy ing down). Hub bub hubbub hub bub MAN 2. The three Penniworths lived fairly con tented in Uglyberry-on-the-bog un til one day, Mr. Penniworth, WOMAN 1. Who had al ways longed for some thing more than a mod est life, WOMAN 2. De cided to spec u late. MAN 1. Pos sessed of a mod est for tune, but in ex pe ri enced in af fairs of busi ness, Hapless Penniworth looked for ad vice to the only man in the neigh bor hood fa mil iar with such mat ters: WOMAN 2. The wealthy fa ther of his dear daugh ter s play mate: MAN 2. Lord Septimus Stryfe. WOMAN 1. Pa ter Familas of the house of Stryfe. MAN 2. Yes. Lord Stryfe was in deed a shrewd man of busi ness with an ac tive dis dain for those who had the te mer ity to be pos sessed of a for tune but nei ther the sense nor am bi tion to know what to do with it. WOMAN 2. Nev er the less, he agreed to help the man whose sub stan tial acre age so closely ad joined his own and in vested the Penniworth for tune in sev eral risky yet prof it able ven tures, which he as sured his neigh bor would yield sub stan tial re turns. WOMAN 1. Within six months the Stryfe for tune had in - deed in creased five fold but, mys te ri ously, due no doubt to the va ga ries of the mar ket, Mr. Hap less Penniworth lost all his money. MAN 2. And promptly died WOMAN 2. When he col lapsed in an ap o plec tic fit dur ing luncheon and choked on his spot ted dick.

A Story of Great Good Fortune 15 MAN 1. Yes. WOMAN 2. Leav ing Penny and Mrs. Penniworth to face ru in ation quite alone. MAN 1. Per plexed by their pre cip i tous pen ury, poor Penny Penniworth pos ited pa thet i cally, PENNY (W2). Oh Per fid i ous fate! We ap pear to be poor. MRS. PENNIWORTH (M1). Oh hor ri ble! Hor ri ble! PENNY (W2). Oh, Mother, how could such a thing have hap pened? MRS. PENNIWORTH (M1). Your pre cious fool of a fa - ther ap pears to have been duped. I for bid you to have any thing to do with that Stryfe boy ever again. PENNY (W2). In deed, Mama, you ve noth ing to worry about on that ac count. How ever, we must find some money some where. I m afraid that we must sell the manor, and live else where. MRS. PENNIWORTH (M1). Oh horrible horrible! PENNY (W2). But who can make such ar range ments? We are only women. MRS. PENNIWORTH (M1). I know of a cer tain solicitor in Lon don, an old friend of your fa ther, one Mr. Bartholomew Bunt ing, who may be pre vailed upon to help us. PENNY (W2). Then we must see Mr. Bunt ing straight - away. WOMAN 1. And so they went off to Lon don. WOMAN 2. The great city was a jum ble of strange new sights and per plex ing odors which as saulted Penny and Mrs. Penniworth. (The fol low ing lines over lap in a ca coph ony.)

16 PENNY PENNIWORTH MAN 2. ello, luv, wanna buy a watch? WOMAN 1. Fish! Fresh fish! WOMAN 2. I say, Cap n, buy a flower of a poor girl? MAN 1. Co co nuts, I got loverly bunches of co co nuts all stand ing in a row! MAN 2. Boy! Boy for sale! WOMAN 1. Feed the birds. Tup pence a bag. WOMAN 2. More hot pies! MAN 1. Ripe! Straw ber ries ripe! MAN 2. And this col lec tors edi tion set of royal fam ily steak knives could be yours for only three and six PENNY (W2) (break ing out of the ca coph ony). Oh dear, Mother, we must keep our wits about us. MAN 1. Fi nally they found their way to the law of fices of Bunt ing, Bunt ing and Swagg. WOMAN 1. They were ush ered by a seem ingly end less suc ces sion of of fi cious-look ing clerks, MAN 2. Through a seem ingly end less suc ces sion of in tim i - dat ing doors, WOMAN 2. Into a seem ingly end less suc ces sion of dark an te rooms. MAN 1. Un til at last, the tall est and most of fi cious of clerks ush ered through the tall est and most in tim i dat ing of doors and into a large spot less of fice. MAN 2. Be hind the desk sat a white-haired man in a highcol lared shirt and crisp silk cra vat, who greeted them. BUNT ING (W1). Ahh, Mrs. Penniworth, Miss Penni - worth, I can t tell you how sad dened I was to hear of your re cent loss. PENNY (W2). Thank you Mr. I m sorry, I m afraid I don t know if I am ad dress ing Mr. Bunt ing, Mr. Bunt - ing or Mr. Swagg.

A Story of Great Good Fortune 17 BUNT ING (W1). Mr. Bunt ing has been dead these twenty years. I m Mr. Bunt ing. PENNY (W2). I see. MRS. PENNIWORTH (M1). Mr. Bunt ing was hung, my dear. PENNY (W2). Hung? MRS. PENNIWORTH (M1). Hung. BUNT ING (W1). You, of course, mean hanged, my dear Mrs. Penniworth. MRS. PENNIWORTH (M1). Yes. Of course. Hanged. PENNY (W2). But why was the poor man BUNT ING (W1). Stretched? PENNY (W2). Yes. MRS. PENNIWORTH (M1). It was dur ing the Reign of Ter ror, my dear. Mr. Bunt ing was in Paris I don t mean Mr. Bunt ing, you un der stand, but Mr. Bunt ing, Mr. Bunt ing s brash brother Bunt ing, that Mr. Bunt ing was mis tak enly branded a Bour bon and, and BUNT ING (W1). Bru tal ized. MRS. PENNIWORTH (M1). And then he was hung. BUNT ING (W1). Hanged. MRS. PENNIWORTH (M1). Hanged. PENNY (W2). But I still don t un der stand. I thought all per sons of that aris to cratic per sua sion were guil lo tined. MRS. PENNIWORTH (M1). It s said that they tried, my dear, but they were un able to on ac count of his iron clav i cle. PENNY (W2). Iron clav i cle? MRS. PENNIWORTH (M1). Yes. Ap par ently as a young man in the full bloom of his juv en es cence, as well fa - vored, I m told as one of those Athe nian youths de - scribed in the clas sic po ems as so vig or ously and fla -

18 PENNY PENNIWORTH grantly dis port ing them selves in gym na sium, Mr. Bunt - ing suf fered a nasty fall from a hayloft yes I be lieve it was a hayloft, no doubt in the act of dem on strat ing his con sid er able phys i cal prow ess to an ap pre cia tive on - looker, or some such per son, and frac tured his clav i cle ir rep a ra bly. For tu nately, the lo cal sur geon, though a quack and a watch maker, quite suc cess fully re placed the young man s clav i cle with a strong sliver of bar rel strap ping. It is no doubt that fer rous ma te rial which ren - dered the pos si bil ity of the guil lo tine quite out of the ques tion, and so he was hung. BUNT ING (W1). Hanged. MRS. PENNIWORTH (M1). Hanged. PENNY (W2). But would the iron re in force ment of his neck prove equally irk some to the pos si bil ity of hang - ing? MRS. PENNIWORTH (M1). As I un der stand it, it was not by the neck he was hung. BUNT ING (W1). Hanged. MRS. PENNIWORTH (M1). Hung. If you catch my mean ing. Is it not so, Mr. Bunt ing, just as I ve re lated it? BUNT ING (W1). Yes, yes, yes. But enough of this un - nec es sary fil ial ex po si tion, shall we get down to brass tacks? PENNY (W2). Brass tacks, oh yes. But of course. You un der stand from our let ter that we wish to sell our manor in or der that we may de rive some sort of in come for our selves. You see, we can not work, for we are only women. BUNT ING (W1). Yes. That was quite ev i dent from your epis tles.