God s design for all healthy relationships is to manage conflict, listen well, and validate the other person.

God s design for all healthy relationships is to manage conflict, listen well, and validate the other person.

Healthy Share responsibility for the problem COMPLAINING Harmful Blame the problem on the other person Describe the problem in terms of your percep%on, opinion, or style Focus on a specific problem, tackling one at a Gme Describe the problem as a maber of absolute truth Stockpile complaints Focus on the present Dig up past grievances; make broad sweeping statements like: You always or You never Adapted by CLW from 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage by John Go5man et. al.

Healthy Focus on the other person s acgons and how those acgons make you feel COMPLAINING Harmful CriGcize the other person s personality or character Pick a Gme to complain about the problem when the other person can listen and respond Tell the other person about your needs Complain at a Gme when the other person is distracted by pressing mabers such as a work deadline or caring for other important mabers Expect this person to mind- read, to guess your needs Adapted by CLW from 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage by John Go5man et. al

Healthy Rephrase the complaint so the complainer knows that you understand COMPLAINING Harmful Ignore the complaint altogether Ask quesgons for a beber understanding BeliBle or crigcize the other person for complaining Acknowledge the feelings behind the person s complaint Defend yourself Take responsibility for the problem Deny responsibility for the problem; use sarcasm or crigcism Adapted by CLW from 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage by John Go5man et. al

SIX LEVELS OF VALIDATION LEVEL 1 BEING PRESENT Mul<- tasking is OUT! SiGng with intense emo<on rather than running away LEVEL 2 ACCURATE REFLECTION Able to accurately summarize what you ve been told by another person. Truly understanding their experience and not judging it LEVEL 3 MINDREADING No<cing the other person s emo<onal state, then either naming the emo<ons you hear or guessing what the person might be feeling Adapted by CLW from Dr. Marsha Lineham body of research

LEVEL 4 UNDERSTANDING BEHAVIOR IN TERMS OF HISTORY & BIOLOGY LEVEL 5 SIX LEVELS OF VALIDATION Given what happened to you, I completely understand. NORMALIZING OR Helping someone understand that RECOGNIZING EMOTIONAL emo<ons are normal they just happen REACTIONS THAT ANYONE WOULD HAVE LEVEL 6 RADICAL GENUINENESS Understanding these levels is the easy part. Prac<ce is key to making valida<on a natural part of the way you communicate Adapted by CLW from Dr. Marsha Lineham body of research

EMOTIONAL INVALIDATION EmoGonal invalidagon occurs when a person s thoughts or feelings are rejected, ignored, or judged. InvalidaGon is emogonally upsecng for us all. InvalidaGon disrupts relagonships and creates emogonal distance. EmoGonal invalidagon can take two forms: verbal and non- verbal.

VERBAL INVALIDATION 1 MisinterpreGng what it means to be close. When you think you know another so well you assume and may even tell the other person how they think and feel. 2 Misunderstanding what validagon is. Some<mes people believe that if they validate the person then they are agreeing with the person that is not true. 3 WanGng to fix another s feelings. When you don t want another person to hurt, you may invalidate the other s thoughts and feelings by trying to get them to feel be5er. Adapted by CLW from Dr. Marsha Lineham body of research

VERBAL INVALIDATION 4 Not wangng to hurt another s feelings Agreeing with someone s point of view in an argument, when in fact, you feel the other person is not being reasonable. 5 WanGng what s best for another person Some<mes you may do the work for another person that can/should do themselves. (Co- Dependency) Adapted by CLW from Dr. Marsha Lineham body of research

6 BLAMING VERBAL INVALIDATION You always have to be the crybaby! Why didn t you put gas in the car on the way home? 7 HOOVERING Blaming is ALWAYS invalida<ng. That s no big deal! A5emp<ng to vacuum up any feelings that are uncomfortable. Not giving truthful answers in order to avoid upsegng someone. 8 JUDGING That s ridiculous! Here we go again you are just over- reac<ng. Ridicule is par8cularly damaging. Adapted by CLW from Dr. Marsha Lineham body of research

VERBAL INVALIDATION 9 DENYING You re not angry I know how you act when you re angry. Telling the other person they don t feel what they say they feel. 10 MINIMIZING Don t worry, it s not a big deal. Don t loose sleep over it! Usually said with the best of inten<ons. 11 MUTTERING Saying something under your breath about the other person and then denying that you were talking to them. Adapted by CLW from Dr. Marsha Lineham body of research

NONVERBAL INVALIDATION 1. Rolling of the eyes 2. Deep sighs, groans 3. Drumming of fingers in an impa<ent way 4. Checking watch 5. Paying a5en<on to email, text messages, games Adapted by CLW from Dr. Marsha Lineham body of research

CommunicaGng Well Speaker Listener My Objec%ve Focus of my interac%on To be heard The subject that I want to describe talk about To understand what s being said The subject that the other person brings up My primary 1. Stay focused on subject responsibility 2. Speak in a manner that can be heard 3. Describe how I feel and what I think about my subject. 4. Be open to self- discovery 1. Listen calmly (manage my reacgvity) 2. Be curious- ask clarifying quesgons 3. Recap ooen my under- standing of what I hear the other person say 4. Empathize with the other s issue/predicament Copyright Eilyn Bader and Peter Pearson, The Couples Ins<tute / Adapted for PowerPoint by jpw 2015

Reminders to help effec%vely manage my reac%vity CommunicaGng Well Speaker 1. This is my issue, my thoughts, emogons, my problem; this experience belongs to me 2. This is an expression of who I am, what I think 3. I am revealing something about myself and I want to be heard 4. I am willing to take a risk 5. I am open to discovering new things about myself 6. This is about increasing my ability to tolerate the expression of differences. Listener 1. Am I listening with openness? 2. I do not own this problem 3. I do not need to get upset; it s the other person s feelings 4. It s up to me to manage my reacgons. I can choose not to be upset 5. If I stay curious and ask ques- Gons, this will help me manage my feelings 6. The speaker is a separate person with his/her own feel- ings, thoughts, personality and family history 7. I need only to listen, not to look for solugons Copyright Eilyn Bader and Peter Pearson, The Couples Ins<tute / Adapted for PowerPoint by jpw 2015

Opportuni%es CommunicaGng Well Speaker To learn something new about my own issues and what these mean to me Listener To empathize with the other person s situagon and problem; to show that I care What I want to avoid 1. Blaming and finger- poingng 2. Sarcasm 3. NegaGve mogvagon: gecng even by being controlling, vengeful or punishing 4. Enjoying the other s dis- comfort 5. Lecturing 1. The urge to solve their problem or make it beber 2. Being inabengve, distracted, or annoyed 3. Taking it personally; gecng upset, angry 4. Saying I understand too quickly, without recapping what was said 5. Apologizing (i.e., too soon) Copyright Eilyn Bader and Peter Pearson, The Couples Ins<tute / Adapted for PowerPoint by jpw 2015