A shockingly honest, stunningly nuanced book. Every parent, and everyone who has a parent, should read this searing father-daughter story. my lie AYELET WALDMAN, author of Bad Mother A True Story of False Memory MEREDITH MARAN Best-selling author of What It s Like to Live Now and Class Dismissed
my lie
my lie A True Story of False Memory Meredith Maran
Copyright 2010 by Meredith Maran. All rights reserved. Published by Jossey-Bass A Wiley Imprint 989 Market Street, San Francisco, CA 94103-1741 www.josseybass.com No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, 978-750-8400, fax 978-646-8600, or on the Web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, 201-748-6011, fax 201-748-6008, or online at www.wiley.com/go/permissions. Readers should be aware that Internet Web sites offered as citations and/or sources for further information may have changed or disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read. Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifi cally disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fi tness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profi t or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages. Jossey-Bass books and products are available through most bookstores. To contact Jossey-Bass directly call our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 800-956-7739, outside the U.S. at 317-572-3986, or fax 317-572-4002. Jossey-Bass also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Maran, Meredith. My lie : a true story of false memory / Meredith Maran. 1st ed. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-0-470-50214-3 (hardback) 1. Maran, Meredith Mental health. 2. False memory syndrome Patients California Biography. 3. False memory syndrome Patients Family relationships California. 4. Recovered memory. 5. Fathers and daughters. I. Title. RC455.2.F35M34 2010 362.196'8583690092 dc22 [B] 2010013843 Printed in the United States of America first edition HB Printing 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it. Adolph Hitler Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Homer Simpson
For my family, with love and gratitude. Finally.
contents Author s Note xi Prologue: The Same Thing Happened to Me 1 Introduction: One in Three 5 part one 1576 1982 Chapter One Desperate Housewife 15 Chapter Two In Feminism We Trust 23 part two 1983 1993 Chapter Three Please Question Your Child (and Your Childhood) 39 Chapter Four Breaking the Silence 57 Chapter Five Daddy Can t Come Home Again 77 Chapter Six Remember 93 Chapter Seven Did He or Didn t He? 113 Chapter Eight In Therapy We Trust 129 ix
x Contents part three 1994 2009 Chapter Nine Doubt 147 Chapter Ten Deprogramming 165 Chapter Eleven What Was I Thinking? 181 Chapter Twelve Eternal Sunshine of the Recovered Mind 201 Chapter Thirteen In Neuroscience We Trust 219 Chapter Fourteen Amends 233 Epilogue: Grace 251 Acknowledgments 255 About the Author 257 Book Group Reading Guide 259
author s note This book is a work of nonfi ction: my version of the truth. I ve attempted to verify the statistics I cite, but for reasons that should be obvious, I regard all facts with skepticism, and recommend that you do the same. Dialogue has been reconstructed based on my memories and notes. Names and details have been altered to protect the privacy of those who populate these pages. Some might have different memories or interpretations of this story. Their versions, of course, could also be true. xi
prologue The Same Thing Happened to Me December 2007 At 7 a.m. the Oakland hills were shrouded in fog, the steep trail carpeted with silvery eucalyptus leaves, damp and fragrant beneath my feet. My hiking buddy Joanne and I plodded silently past glistening ferns, granite outcroppings, waterfalls swollen with winter rain. As we neared Redwood Peak, we stumbled into a conversation well suited to the cover of the misty morning, the meditative mood. Have you ever done anything really awful? Joanne asked me. Something you ll always regret? At fi fty-six I d accrued an age-appropriate assortment of woulda - shoulda - couldas. But only one rose to the level of aching remorse. When I was in my thirties, I answered, I accused my father of molesting me. I didn t see him or talk to him for eight years. I didn t let my kids see him for eight years, either. And then I realized that it wasn t true. Joanne stared at me, her face a mask of disbelief. She said, The same thing happened to me. Standing sentry around us, ancient redwoods shuddered and dripped. Let me guess, I said. It was the late eighties, early nineties. Someone gave you a copy of The Courage to Heal. 1