KNOCKABOUT mental in massachusetts B.C. SCOTT 5
Copyright 2015 by B.C. Scott All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission from the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and literary reviews. First edition B.C. Scott, September, 2015. Printed at Harvard Book Store Cambridge, MA / USA Additional copies available at www.harvard.com 1-617-475-8303 6
Dedicated to Emerson and Stoobie 7
Definitions of Mental Adjective 1. of or involving the mind or an intellectual process 2. occurring only in the mind: mental calculations 3. affected by mental illness: a mental patient 4. concerned with care for persons with mental illness: a mental hospital 5. (slang) insane Synonyms intellectual, rational, theoretical, cognitive, brain, conceptual, cerebral psychiatric, psychogenic insane, mad, disturbed, unstable, mentally ill, lunatic, psychotic, unbalanced, deranged Source: Collins English Dictionary Knockabouts could outsail and out-maneuver most of the dories and catboats of the day and many of the larger racing craft. They could fight their way through narrow channels against racing tides, sail in ten inches of water, buck choppy seas, and, when wellreefed, could take almost any weather... Excerpted from Cape Cod s Baby Knockabout Grows Up By Winthrop M. Munro MotorBoating Magazine July, 1961, pg. 44 8
AUTHOR S NOTE: This book is based on my memories and experiences. Compressions of timelines and character composites may have taken place. Some dialogue is word for word and some is crafted or overdone. Artistic license and hyperbole may have been employed. Also, names, places, and story details may have been changed or omitted to protect my privacy and the privacy of people in my life. To be clear, childhood trauma has many forms and just as many outcomes. This is my story with my thoughts and feelings. Knockabout is not written with any intention for use as diagnosis or treatment. It s an imperfect book for imperfect people, like me. B.C.S. 9
CONTENTS Asylum...13 Heaven...19 Danny...22 The Nest...24 The Motorcycle...26 Translation...29 Beach Combing...31 Sacred Grotto...34 Blooming...36 Higher Ed...41 Incision...44 Lab Brat...46 Dreamboats...54 The Belle of the Squall...56 Gym Nauseam...61 The Corner Pocket...65 Blinders...67 Batter Up...71 Home Sweet Home...74 10
PART TWO Release...80 Admittance...83 Clicks...85 Homework...90 The Library...92 Flying High...94 Payment Due...96 Sigh-Fi...98 Helena...100 The Daily Dunk...102 First Names...103 Book Issues...105 Eavesdropping...106 Countdown...108 Liftoff...111 Present Day...115 Acknowledgments...117 11
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle. Attributed to Philo of Alexandria 12
ASYLUM JUNE 1, 2004 My latest psychiatrist fired me due to my arrogant attitude so I m left scrambling for some Paxil. I am sick of therapists and refuse to look for another. Now I m hospital-hopping for refills. I d hope for a kind intern and then tell him that I lost my pills at the beach or the laundromat or whatever and my regular doctor was on vacation. They d usually help me out with a short-term prescription to tide me over. It s been working okay until now but I ve run out of pills and I m getting a little loopy so no way I can make it through another four-hour wait in the ER. I m desperate so I decide to try the mental health facility right down the street. I m not too happy about that. I prefer emergency rooms because I can usually go unnoticed in all the chaos. I m looking kind of gross and maybe even a little weird because I spend every minute taking care of my house. I never sit down because there are a million things that need to get done. I don t care how I look. All I care about is my house. That s all that matters. 13
So I head over and bring my lists and notebooks and papers and stuff I m constantly working on. Pulling my Hyundai hatchback into the parking lot, I ve got to say the place looks pretty nice. It s a brick building with pillars and a turnaround driveway. I find a good spot for my car that has a whole lot of room around it. I like to keep my car away from other cars because it s brand-new. Okay, okay, it s eight years old but it s new to me. I make my way up the walkway and push the buzzer a couple of times. I hear someone say Yes, what can we do for you? I say Yes, hello, I m wondering if you could help me. My doctor happens to be on vacation right now. Is it possible to see someone for a temporary refill? She buzzes me through. A nurse comes out and asks me what I need. I tell her my story about needing a refill and follow her through a large double door into a tiny waiting room. We speak for a few more minutes and then she goes back across the hall. I ve got to get some work done so I pull out my piles of papers from my monkey bag. This is a cool red canvas satchel that came with a little 14
red monkey attached to the zipper. Once when I was at the airport a cute kid saw the monkey and was so captivated by it that I gave it to him. Kids are more important than things. So I set up a temporary workstation in the waiting room for my papers, pulling out this and that and writing on this and that. I cover two tables with my stuff and put the rest in piles on the floor. After about ten minutes the nurse comes back into the waiting room, looks at me with concern, writes down something, and goes back into her office. I yell across the hall Hey, what s the holdup? She pokes her head out and says You re exhausting! So I m like What the hell is going on here? She won t even answer a simple question so I pack up all my stuff to leave. I make a beeline for the double doors. They won t open so I try them a couple more times. This is not good. This is not good at all. I glance over at the nurse in the office. She won t even look at me. I scuttle back into the waiting room to make a plan. Seconds later, two big guys in white coats crowd into my little room and head towards me. With a rehearsed 15
benevolence, they each take an arm and start walking me toward a plain white door at the other end of the hall. I know that once they have me on the other side of that door I m no longer in control of my life. I have about ten seconds. I know the few words I can get out have to be the perfect mix of rationale and persuasion. Why does your opinion of me have more weight than my own opinion? It s against the law to hold me against my will. The white coats don t respond. For once in my life I can t talk my way out of a situation. We walk together into the inner asylum. I hear the door lock behind me. I m standing at the admitting desk for the formal intake. I repeat over and over This is a mistake. I don t belong here. They smile at my protests, take my monkey bag and tell me they have to search it. I m ready to freak out but I have to keep my cool. Next I m shown the snack room and where group will take place. Then I meet with a doctor. We talk for a while. He tells me I am exhibiting the worst case of mania he has ever seen in his practice. I say I always act this way. Ask anyone. 16
After two weeks in the asylum, I meet with the head doctor. Over the next hour he shares with me his professional opinion of my condition. He says I am Rapid Cycling Bipolar I with PTSD, Social Anxiety, Borderline Personality and an Eating Disorder. He explains that I am required, upon my release from the hospital, to engage in the psychiatric and psychological care that has been set up for my recovery. Even though I ve just been told I m officially a nutcase, I feel weirdly okay. Maybe now that I know what is wrong I can fix it. I tell the doctor I just want to be normal. He says You will never be normal. But with the right therapy and the proper medication your feelings and reactions should be in a more normal, less frightening range. As I pack up my few things to leave I wonder what it s like to have normal feelings. I realize during my two-week stay in the hospital, it s the first time I ve felt safe and protected in a very, very long time. I didn t know until just now how hyper-vigilant I am, always on high alert, always on guard, like a constant code red. 17
I step outside the pretty nice building I entered two weeks ago. My eyes squint in the bright sunlight. Walking to my car I feel scared and hopeful. This two-week unannounced and unforeseen break in my life may be my luckiest break ever. I have been given the opportunity to regroup, reflect and restore my balance. I have never backed down from a challenge. But this is different. This is unique. This is my greatest fight. I am fighting for my life. 18