HIPSTER VAN WINKLE A short comedy by Abigail Taylor-Sansom This script is for evaluation only. It may not be printed, photocopied or distributed digitally under any circumstances. Possession of this file does not grant the right to perform this play or any portion of it, or to use it for classroom study. www.youthplays.com info@youthplays.com 424-703-5315
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CAST OF CHARACTERS RIP VAN WINKLE, male, a ne'er-do-well turned social media icon. MILDRED VAN WINKLE, female, his nagging wife. KOSI'I, female, a Brooklyn hipster. SHADOWY FIGURES HIPSTERS The same actress plays Mildred Van Winkle and Kosi'i. Shadowy Figures and Hipsters are played by an ensemble. The ensemble must have at least five actors for speaking roles but may be as large as desired. Brooklyn, 1938. SETTING NOTES The song "Ain't We Got Fun" (music by Richard A. Whiting, lyrics by Raymond B. Egan and Gus Kahn, 1921) used in this work is in the public domain. For learning or rehearsal purposes only, recordings of the song are plentiful on YouTube and itunes. When an actor sees the notation [current year] in the dialogue, he or she should say the present-day year of the production. Alternatives for certain references are also in brackets. For example: Can I take a pic of you for my Instagram [blog/ page]?
Hipster Van Winkle 5 (Brooklyn, 1938. RIP VAN WINKLE, a starry-eyed dreamer, sits on the edge of the stage, singing. He accompanies himself with two wooden spoons on the back of two overturned pots.) RIP: (Singing:) EVERY MORNIN' EVERY EVENIN' AIN'T WE GOT FUN? NOT MUCH MONEY OH, BUT HONEY AIN'T WE GOT FUN? (MILDRED enters. She is not pleased. Rip looks at her with oblivious enthusiasm.) Come on! Sing with me, baby doll! (Singing again:) THE RENT'S UNPAID, DEAR MILDRED: (Interjecting between lines of the song:) It certainly is. RIP: (Singing:) AND WE HAVEN'T A BUS MILDRED: Rip, please RIP: (Singing:) BUT SMILES WERE MADE, DEAR FOR PEOPLE LIKE US MILDRED: You seem to be the only one smiling here RIP: (Singing:) IN THE WINTER, IN THE SUMMER DON'T WE HAVE FUN? MILDRED: Nope. RIP: (Singing:) TIMES ARE BUM AND GETTING BUMMER STILL WE HAVE FUN. MILDRED: Speak for yourself, sweetheart. RIP: (Singing:) THERE'S NOTHING SURE THE RICH GET RICH AND THE POOR GET POORER
6 Abigail Taylor-Sansom IN THE MEANTIME, IN BETWEEN TIME AIN'T WE GOT FUN? (Exasperated, Mildred takes the spoons away from him.) MILDRED: (Mockingly:) Wait a second! Wasn't that you on the Grand Ole Opry last week? RIP: It's the latest thing. Folk instruments. MILDRED: I see. RIP: We're in a Depression. Ingenuity is critical. MILDRED: You know what else is critical? Making some dough. Think you could manage that today? RIP: I'll see if I can fit it into my busy schedule. MILDRED: (Dryly:) Thank you, Rip. What would I do without you? (Rip stands and tries to plant a kiss on her cheek. Mildred walks right past him.) RIP: What can I say? My baby loves me. MILDRED: Judy and Tommy said they're looking for people at the Finco Factory at Leonard and Scholes in Williamsburg. Go straight there, you got it? No stopping along the way. RIP: Absolutely, my darling! No stopping along the way. I'll go straight to Leopold and Shoe. MILDRED: Oh, for cryin' out loud, Rip! Leonard and Scholes! RIP: That's what I said, honey bunch. You can count on me! MILDRED: Sure I can. (As she exits:) Go straight there, Rip Van Winkle! (Rip waits until she is gone, then crosses the stage.) RIP: (Conspiratorially:) Just one quick stop along the way. After all, a little game of bowling never hurt anyone.
Hipster Van Winkle 7 (Rip enters the bowling alley and sits down in an empty seat. He looks around.) Slow day, huh? (A half-eaten pastrami sandwich and a bottle of root beer sit on the table in front of him. He shrugs his shoulders and takes a bite of the sandwich.) (Mouth full:) Waste not, want not, I always say. (Chugging the root beer:) I wonder where the guys are. (Yawning:) What a day. All that musical elbow grease must have worn me out. (Rip begins to doze off. Once he is asleep, several SHADOWY FIGURES in old-fashioned clothes of various periods enter. One by one, they inspect the sleeping Rip. Suddenly, there is a loud noise, like that of a car starting, and the Shadowy Figures vanish. The noise continues on to a series of progressively modern sounds: a 1950's air raid siren, an electric guitar, a synthesizer, a modem making a dialup connection, an AOL "You've Got Mail" alert, and a smartphone ringtone. At the last sound, Rip awakes with a start. KOSI'I, the definitive stereotype of a Brooklyn hipster girl, complete with huge glasses and an unnecessary hat, enters. She looks exactly like Mildred [because she is played by the same actress]. Rip sees her and jumps up.) I can explain everything! I had to go in that bowling alley! There was a baby and two nuns on fire in there, or I would have walked right by, I swear! KOSI'I: (Confused:) I'm sorry RIP: Oh, no, Mildred, I'm the one who's sorry KOSI'I: Who's Mildred? RIP: You. You are. You're Mildred. Don't you remember? KOSI'I: My name is Kosi'i. I work here. RIP: Are you sure?
8 Abigail Taylor-Sansom KOSI'I: Last time I checked. What are you doing here anyway? We don't open 'til five. RIP: I feel asleep, and KOSI'I: Oh. Rough night. No worries. You can chill here. RIP: (Unsure of what it means to "chill":) Um. Thank you. I guess What did you say your name was? KOSI'I: Kosi'i. RIP: Crostini? KOSI'I: Kosi'i. It's Maori. RIP: I'm sorry. I don't know what that is. KOSI'I: It's a tribe in New Zealand. I spent my alternative spring break with them four years ago. I asked one of the elders to give me a new Maori name, and he called me Kosi'i. RIP: Oh. What does it mean? KOSI'I: Well, actually, I kind of, sort of found out later from a friend that it translates to "doorknob," but by then, it was too late. Maybe I wasn't as tight with them as I thought. I just tell people it means "goddess of the harvest," and they usually buy it. I mean, who speaks Maori, am I right? What's your name, by the way? RIP: Rip. KOSI'I: Love it. Hey, you don't look familiar. Have you been here before? RIP: Lots, but don't tell my old lady. KOSI'I: She's high maintenance, huh? RIP: Well, you know, I'm currently unemployed KOSI'I: This is Williamsburg. Who isn't? Milk the P.U.'s 'til they cut you off.
Hipster Van Winkle 9 RIP: The P.U.'s? KOSI'I: Parental units. RIP: I'm thirty years old. Why would I be relying on my folks? KOSI'I: We're in a recession. RIP: Depression. KOSI'I: Recession. Oh, whatever. It's [current year]. Can't we just stop judging already? We're all doing the best we can Wait, that's an amazing hashtag. Don't you love it? #werealljustdoingthebestwecan RIP: Excuse me, Gristedes, I'm confused. Did you just say it's [current year]? KOSI'I: Yeah. So? RIP: How sure are you about that? KOSI'I: Um. Pretty sure. RIP: Well. In that case, I'm going to need to make a phone call. Is there a phone I could KOSI'I: (Pulling out her cell phone:) Here you go. (Rip takes the phone cautiously and touches the screen. It lights up. He screams and drops the phone, running away.) You okay? RIP: I think I broke it. I'm sorry. KOSI'I: Wow, dude, you are so hipster. I can't believe you don't know how to use a phone. What, do you, like, churn your own butter, too? RIP: Huh? KOSI'I: I'll dial for you. What's the number? RIP: Sterling 3-8429.
10 Abigail Taylor-Sansom KOSI'I: Sorry? RIP: Sterling 3-8429. KOSI'I: That's not a phone number. RIP: Oh. My mistake. (Frantic:) I'll just, uh I'll just go pay a visit to Um. It was nice to meet you, Parcheesi. KOSI'I: Kosi'i. See you around. (Rip crosses downstage and out of the bowling alley.) RIP: (Under his breath:) See you later, looney toon! Parental units? The Maori? Give me a break. (Rip freezes as he looks up at the buildings around him. Two HIPSTERS walk past.) Excuse me! Excuse me! How long has that building been there? HIPSTER 1: Oh, I don't know. Forty, fifty years. RIP: (Muttering in disbelief:) Forty, fifty You said Forty And that one over there? HIPSTER 2: About the same. (Rip turn around and looks up again, disoriented.) HIPSTER 1: Love your bowtie. Is the fabric sustainably sourced? RIP: Um. Maybe? HIPSTER 2: Can I take a pic of you for my Instagram [blog/ page]? RIP: Um. Yes? Want to read the entire script? Order a perusal copy today!