KING ARTHUR AUDITION PACKET
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Key+oard 1Conductor ARTHRSo let me get this straight Im a King without a single knight to command Im absolutely alone Andante Ru+ato ARTHR 1 Vln K: Stgs PIANO 5 Solo espr +K2:Stgs Drstacet - 2 + - - no one here be 6 I5M ALL ALONE Im all - a Vln K2 +K - lone All by my - self - 4 - There is - side me Im all a - lone Quite all a - 7 - Spamalot Tour 25 8 lone No one to - com - fort me or 1 guide me Why is there 12S2 191
Keyboard 1Conductor Steadier tempo 11 +Cl ARTHR no one here with me +K:Stgs - On the 12 +K2:Oboe - 2 IM ALL ALONE long and win - ding road? To lift my hea - vy - 1-14 - 1 Vln Spamalot - Tour 1 15 1 Bs Rit2 load - - Cl If there were - lone So all a - 2 16 A tempo 2 some-one here with me How hap-py I would be But Im a- Vln 4 K Solo 1 17 2 2 2 Rit2 Cl +K - lone Just by my-self Im all al - - 6-21 Poco Ru+ato - - + 192 22 Bssim 18 4 5 A tempo A tempo - 4 4 5 - one Im all a K2:Oboe Hn Tbn 7
Keyboard 1Conductor 2 PATSG sung - Hes all ARTHR lone - Cl - a-lone Ex-cept for me He can-not K2:Oboe All by my 24 - self I can - not face to - mor - row Im all a- - - IM ALL ALONE 25 + - - - + Hn Clsim - 26 + face it - - - Spamalot - Tour 27 PATSG sung Though I am here ARTHR lone So all a 28 So ve-ry near - lone No one to share my sor - row 2 - + - - + - - + You know it - - Hn - 12S2 - - 19
I--5 Song: PATSY: King Arthur s Song I am Arthur King of the Britons Lord and Ruler of all Of England and Scotland And even tiny little bits of Gaul And I m the Emperor of Norway Bugger off He is Arthur King of the Britons And we are out seeking men Very strong men And very able To sit at our very very very round table What is it you want? I am looking for men I had a feeling We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights to join me in my court at Camelot I must speak with your lord and master What ridden on a horse? Yes Youre using coconuts What? Youve got two empty halves of coconut and youre banging them together So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land through the kingdom of Mercia through Whered you get the coconut?
We found them Found them? In Mercia? The coconuts tropical I--6 What do you mean? Well this is a temperate zone The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? Not at all they could be carried What? A swallow carrying a coconut? It could grip it by the husk Its not a question of where he grips it Its a simple question of weight ratios A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut Well it doesnt matter Will you tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here? Listen in order to maintain air-speed velocity a swallow needs to beat its wings 4 times every second right? Please Am I right? I m not interested Lance appears at the opposite Proscenium window Stage Left LANCE: It could be carried by an African swallow
How d you do I m Mrs Galahad widowed mother of I-5-14 Dennis married to Nobby the Cretin dropped dead last Tuesday which does leave me sadly available I am Arthur King of the Britons King of the who? The Britons Who are the Britons? Well we all are We are all Britons and I am your king I didnt know we had a king I thought we were an autonomous collective Youre fooling yourself Were living in a dictatorship A self- perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes Oh there you go bringing class into it again Thats what its all about If only people would Please please good people I am in haste Who is your lord? We dont have a lord Were an anarcho-syndicalist commune We take it in turns to act as a sort of an executive officer for the week Yes but each decision of that officer has to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting Yes I see by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs
Be quiet but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more Be quiet I order you to be quiet Oh Order eh? Who does he think he is? I am your king Well I didnt vote for you You dont vote for kings Well how did you become king then? I-5-15 Well I ll tell you One day as I was riding forth from Camelot I saw a lady in the lake Dead? No Not dead She was the Lady of the Lake She lives in the lake What underwater? Yes Dennis indicates to his mother that Arthur has been drinking She appeared to me out of the bosom of the water Her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite holding aloft Excalibur signifying by Divine Providence that I Arthur was to carry Excalibur He draws his sword It shines mystically Music plays PATSY: Excalibur CHORUS Offstage: Excalibur Ah Ah
I-11- Scene Eleven: The French Castle King Arthur and his knights arrive at the foot of the castle and dismount Halt Hello Hello The Taunter a silly mustachioed Frenchman appears in the battlements of the castle Allo Who is it? It is King Arthur and these are my Knights of the Round Table Whose castle is this? This is the castle of my master Guy de Loimbard The French bastard Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest If he will give us food and shelter for the night he may join us on our quest for the Holy Grail Well Ill ask him but I dont think hell be very keen Hes already got one you see? GALAHAD: What? He says theyve already got one Are you sure hes got one? Oh yes its very nice aside Hey I told him we already got one The French Guards titter in mirth We see only their helmets nodding in glee GUARDS: Tee hee Well can we come in and have a look? Of course not You are English bed-wetting types
I-11-4 Well what are you then? Im French Why do you think I have this outrageous accent you silly king? If you will not show us the Grail we shall take this castle by force You dont frighten us English pig-dogs ---Go and boil your bottoms sons of a silly person I blow my nose at you so-called Arthur-king you and all your silly English knnnniggets Now look here my good man I don t want to talk to you no more you empty headed animal food trough wipers I fart in your general direction Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time GALAHAD: Is there someone else we could talk to? Hey no chance son of a window-dresser I wave my private parts at your aunties you tiny-brained wipers of other peoples bottoms I command you in the name of the Knights of Camelot to open the doors of this sacred castle to which God himself has guided us Well I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing you cheesy lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters Thppt Blows a raspberry FRENCHIES: Thppt The hands of the French knights make very rude gestures between the battlements They re using rude gestures sir
2-2-2 Scene Two: A very expensive Forest King Arthur rides in with Patsy This is a total bloody disaster All my Knights have fled and we re lost in a dark and extremely expensive forest signs or local currency appear projected in the trees FX Ch-ching Cash register PATSY: VOICE: VOICE: VOICES: Well it could be worse How could it possibly be worse? Ni Oh no Ni Ni Peng Ni Wong Ni The Knights of Ni wear furry cloaks and distinctive helmets with huge antlers They are played by the Girl Dancers The Principal Knight of Ni stands on stilts hidden by his long robe He carries a staff with an owl s head to support himself Who are you? We are the Knights Who Say Ni No Not the Knights Who Say Ni The same We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni Peng and Niwom VOICE: PATSY: Ni-wom Those who hear these words seldom live to tell the tale Oh great The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice
Oh Knights of Ni we are but simple travelers lost in these woods 2-2- NI KNIGHTS: Ni Ni Ni Ni Oh ow We shall say ni again to you if you do not appease us Well what is it that you want? We want a shrubbery A shrubbery A shrubbery Where the hell are we going to find a shrubbery? If you do not find us a shrubbery you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring The Knight produces a large herring from his costume NI KNIGHTS: A Herring Herring Herring Pasty and Arthur exchange glances All right We ll find you a shrubbery Good You must return here with a lovely shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive The Knights all exit Where are we going to find a shrubbery? PATSY: Well maybe we can build one? Out of cats Don t be ridiculous Where are we going to find cats? This is a total disaster You think it would be easy: one round up a bunch of knights two seek and find the Holy Grail and five
2-9-27 Scene Nine: A Bridge Too Far Arthur and Patsy descend the stairs PATSY: Now how many Jews have we got so far? None sir It s hopeless This is so depressing I don t know a single Jewish person And how are we going to put on a Broadway show? Broadway s a thousand years in the future in a country that hasn t yet been discovered So let me get this straight I m a King without a single knight to command There s nobody I m absolutely alone