RETURN TO CALAMITY GULCH By Whitney Ryan Garrity Performance Rights It is an infringement of the federal copyright law to copy or reproduce this script in any manner or to perform this play without royalty payment. All rights are controlled by Eldridge Publishing Co., Inc. Call the publisher for additional scripts and further licensing information. On all programs and advertising the author s name must appear as well as this notice: Produced by special arrangement with Eldridge Publishing Co. ELDRIDGE PUBLISHING COMPANY www.histage.com 1996 by Whitney Ryan Garrity Download your complete script from Eldridge Publishing http://www.histage.com/playdetails.asp?pid=1504
- 2 - STORY OF THE PLAY The Culpeppers open the doors to the Last Chance Inn once again in this hilarious sequel to LAST CHANCE INN, CALAMITY GULCH. Ma s just as harried, Pa s just as cantankerous, and villainous Horace Prickley is just as...well, villainous! This time, he plots to woo and wed the woeful Widder Black and take control of her fortune. It seems, however, that Horace may have to share the money with the Widder s noble nephew, Peter Loveless...if the young man finds a bride before the week is out. Enter two likely prospects: Pansy Perriwinkle (The most annoyingly sweet heroine ever to grace a melodrama stage!) and her outrageously mean sister, Violet. When Peter falls for the lovely Pansy, both Horace and Violet scheme to keep them apart. A simple set--complete with an abundance of brides, outlaws, and Calamity Creme pies!
- 3 - CAST OF CHARACTERS (3 M, 6 W, 3 flexible) PA CULPEPPER - The thorn in Ma s side. Under-worked and under Ma s thumb. IVORY KEYES - The resident piano player. MA CULPEPPER - The proprietor. Over-worked, a bit perplexed, and mighty vexed. WIDDER BLACK - A mournful regular patron. HORACE PRICKLEY - The villain. A greedy representative of the local Loan Co. the offices of Gimme, Gimme & Gimme. PANSY PERRIWINKLE - Niece of the Culpepper s and sister to Violet. VIOLET PERRIWINKLE - Pansy s sister and Culpepper s other niece. SHERIFF PRETTYFOOT - Acting Sheriff of Calamity Gulch. PETER LOVELESS - Nephew of the Widder Black. THE QUICKSILVER QUARTET - Claude, Clem & Clyde (can be ladies).
- 4 - SETTING The Last Chance Inn, Calamity Gulch, USA, circa 1800. A bar is positioned USC. Several stools are set in front of it. Sets of tables and chairs are positioned around the playing area. There is a doorway SL and a doorway SR, each contains louvered shutters. PROPS Pansy: Suitcase, mug of sasparilla Violet: Suitcase Peter: Flowers Ma: 2 Bracelets, 3 pies Prettyfoot: Pistol
- 5 - ACT I Scene 1 (AT RISE: Morning at the inn. The LIGHTS fade up to reveal PA CULPEPPER behind the bar. IVORY KEYES is seated at a piano on the playing area.) PA: (Addressing the audience) Howdy! Welcome back to the Last Chance! Come on in, take a seat we ve missed you! I m Pa Culpepper! Happy Bender, our usual bartender, is on his honeymoon with our daughter, Chastity, so, I m tendin the bar! Yep, Happy and Chastity went on a double honeymoon with Sheriff Virgil and Patience! Deputy, and trusty sidekick. Princess Prettyfoot is acting as sheriff! And, that should just about catch y all up for now! Good morning, Ivory! IVORY: Good morning, Pa. PA: And, a good morning it is, too! Good morning...good weather... MA: (From offstage) PA!! PA: Good Lord, my wife! (MA enters.) MA: Pa! What re you doin fiddlin around back there?! We got lots of work to do today! Don t you remember? We got company comin! PA: Company?! MA: Yes! My two nieces, little Pansy and little Violet are comin for a visit! Landsakes, I ain t seen those two since they were this high! PA: And this wide! MA: Yes, I reckon they were just a little...what s the word I m lookin for? PA: Fat!! MA: Oh, now! Don t be mean, Pa! It s not as if the little porkers could help it! They were just children! They d be all grow d up by now!
- 6 - PA: If they continued to grow in both directions, they won t fit in the Last Chance! MA: You don t need to be worryin about that! You need to be worryin about helpin me straighten things up around here! Come on with me to the guest rooms! PA: (Moving around from behind the bar) Which rooms we givin em?! MA: (Exiting) The big ones! (PA follows HER off. The WIDDER BLACK enters.) IVORY: Morning, Widder Black. How are you today? WIDDER BLACK: Well, I don t mind tellin you! I have my good days and I have my...oh! That was the last show! This time around, I m feelin fit as a fiddle and ready for love! Trouble is, where is a shy, lonely, incredibly wealthy widder like myself going to find someone to share her days, nights, and fortune with? (HORACE PRICKLEY enters grandly.) HORACE: Greetings and salutations, good people! Ah, Widder Black! Always a pleasure to see you! And my...aren t you looking...dark today! WIDDER BLACK: Oh, Prickley! You always know just what to say! HORACE: Do me the honor of calling me Horace, would you? WIDDER BLACK: Certainly, Horace. And, you must call me Eugenia! HORACE: Why? I mean, yes...of course! Eugenia, what a charming name! I hope that you do not think this is too bold of me, Eugenia! But it seems to me that you have spent an exorbitant amount of time grieving over the death of your late husband... WIDDER BLACK: Oh, Uriah had many faults...may he rest in peace...but, he was never late! I must say though, after 20 years, it s difficult to readjust! HORACE: Oh, you were married to him for 20 years?
- 7 - WIDDER BLACK: No...I was married to him for 14 days! I ve been grieving over him for 20 years! HORACE: Don t you think the time has come to get on with the rest of your life? I, for one, would be more than happy to help you out of your money...i mean, mourning! WIDDER BLACK: Why, Horace! Is this a proposal? HORACE: Why, yes! I suppose it is! It pains me deeply to see such a vital, attractive, wealthy...i mean, healthy... woman spending so much time alone! I hope that you will at least consider my proposal of marriage! WIDDER BLACK: Yes! HORACE: Oh, good! Then you ll consider it?! WIDDER BLACK: No, I mean, yes...i ll marry you! HORACE: My! That was sudden! WIDDER BLACK: Did I mention, it s been 20 years, Prickley?! HORACE: (Offering HIS arm) Then it s all settled! Come, my love, we have so many plans to make! The wedding...the honeymoon...(aside to the audience) Your accidental death! WIDDER BLACK: Oh, this couldn t have come at a better time! Peter will be overjoyed at the news! HORACE: Yes, I suppose that Peter will...who s Peter?! WIDDER BLACK: My favorite nephew! He ll be turning 21 next week and he s coming here for a visit! Oh, how Uriah...may he rest in peace...used to love to play with him, when Peter was just a little baby! As a matter of fact, Uriah was so fond of Peter, that he had it put in his will that if Peter should marry before his twenty-first birthday, he would inherit half of the money left to me! HORACE: Half?!! WIDDER BLACK: Yes! Not that I mind, he s such a dear boy! And how much could a lonely widder like myself spend anyway? But it doesn t matter now! Peter s twentyfirst birthday is but a week away and he still has not found that special someone! Poor dear! My heart goes out to him! HORACE: Oh, yes! Mine too! (Aside to the audience) Or it would, if I had one! So, you say he s coming to visit?
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