Workshop 3 National 5 English Portfolio Commentaries on Candidate Evidence
Commentary on Candidate 1 My first day in secondary school Mark: 7 The candidate begins the piece of writing by presenting an overview of her first day of secondary school which she identifies as the hardest and scariest day of [her] life (paragraph one). She describes mixed emotions, saying she was excited and nervous at the same time, and draws a comparison of size between primary and secondary schools. There is repetition of the word trying to show the difficulties she faced in finding a seat and negotiating the stairs. She rounds off the first paragraph with the reflection I didn t like it but as the day went on it got better. From this we can see that the candidate demonstrates her feelings and reactions with a sense of involvement, and there is a degree of success in deploying the features of the chosen genre. These statements (from the 9-7 range) offer an appropriate description of the piece as a whole. In paragraph two there is a nice touch offered about feeding her breakfast to the dog. A sense of involvement comes across here. Appropriate structure is indicated by the introduction of the idea of the pictures which is continued in the paragraph which follows. However, this paragraph begins with some confusion: the word litura is perhaps a misspelling of the word literally. There is successful use of parenthesis in this paragraph, but errors in sentence structure are present. The piece picks up again on page 2 with a portrayal of the mother as determined, and the creation of a humorous tone through the description of the actual number of photographs taken compared with the number the children had agreed to. She compares her expectation of school I had plenty of time to get to school and walk around, with the reality but when I got there I didn t have the chance as it was far too busy. There is a misspelling with Assembily, and this is repeated later. In the paragraph which begins around the middle of page 2 sentence structure is, again, not handled well. There are spelling errors, but the infelicities of language could not be considered significant, which is a feature of the 6-4 range. On page 3 the candidate explores her experience with a sense of involvement, though not always as fully, or in as much detail, as might be hoped for. She reveals a sense of isolation, saying I knew no one in my class. She expresses relief when she met someone new. At times the language seems to lack variety, and this is a weakness of the piece as a whole. However, a sense of involvement returns at the bottom of page 3 with the candidate s sense of excitement coming through in expressions such as I walked home as fast as I could, and [I] could not wait to get home and tell my family. The list of questions at the top of page 4 effectively conveys her family s interest. In the concluding paragraph, the candidate sums up her experience, observing that it was the best day of school, I really enjoyed it and couldn t wait to go back and repeat it. Unfortunately, there are errors done my homework, and comma splice. Overall, the piece shows some creativity, and, in the main, the feelings, reactions and experiences are explored with some sense of involvement. The features of the genre are deployed with a degree of success.
Word choice fluctuates between being effective in the main, and lacking variety. The chronological structure of the piece (containing, as it does, an introduction and conclusion), is appropriate to purpose and meaning. The piece does enough to be placed in the 9-7 range, but the weaknesses in use of language place it at the lower end. It has been awarded 7 marks.
Commentary on Candidate 2 Moving from my childhood home Mark: 10 This piece of writing is an attempt by the candidate to reflect on the time in his life when he had to move home. He recalls the key events of the move, and expresses how he felt at the time. Looking at the piece overall, the candidate is consistent to this purpose, and he succeeds in expressing his feelings with a good degree of self-awareness, while never achieving real depth of sensitivity. Paragraphing, sentence construction, spelling and punctuation are all sufficiently accurate. Meaning is clear at first reading. Throughout the piece, the candidate makes a genuine attempt to recount and reflect on events associated with the move. He was, at first, fearful that he would have to move school, and he expresses relief when he realises that this is not necessary. He recalls having to live temporarily at his grandparents house, and also at his aunt s. He describes his initial feelings of isolation and frustration, before leading us towards the more positive outcome of his acceptance of the new home and its benefits. At times, the impression given is of a sense of involvement. This is seen, for example, in comments like this, from paragraph two: It was very upsetting to hear this as I grew up there and all of my friends stayed near us. This is characteristic of a response in the 9-7 area. However, at other times, feelings and reactions come across more strongly I had to endure strangers being shown around my home. Here, it could be argued that there is a good degree of involvement, and that would suggest that the response should be placed in the 12-10 range. Further reflection is offered when he sums up Looking back on this experience I now see that my parents had our family s best interests at heart, in paragraph four, and I didn t have much space or many of my own things around me so I became bored very easily, (also from paragraph four). In terms of the candidate s use of language, this could best be described as apposite, (from the 12-10 grouping), rather than effective in the main (from 9-7). Words and expressions such as daunting, a recurring theme, stomach churning worry, reflect this. Equally, there is a good degree of involvement, (12-10) as opposed to a sense of involvement (9-7). The candidate notes that he was able to help make decisions about the colours, theme, and layout of the room, (paragraph four, page 2), and that he felt that at last my views were being taken into consideration (paragraph four, page 2). On balance, this piece of writing sits more comfortably in the 12-10 range, as opposed to the 9-7. Attention to purpose is consistent in the main, and there is a good degree of involvement. As there are also elements of the 9-7 range within the piece, it is placed at the bottom of the 12-10 range and awarded 10 marks.
Commentary on Candidate 3 Graffiti Discursive Essay Mark: 11 This discursive essay considers the question of whether graffiti is mindless vandalism or art. The candidate makes the purpose clear at the outset, and attention to this purpose is in the main consistent. A feature of the chosen genre (a rhetorical question), is employed successfully to open the debate: This leaves us with the question, is graffiti art or vandalism? (paragraph one). The first two paragraphs deal with the general issues surrounding the question, and there is an indication of relevant research as evidence is cited with references to prominent graffiti artists such as Marc Ecko or Banksy, and to street art museums in the United States and in Southern America in areas like Brazil. The structure of the piece supports meaning in that paragraphs alternate for and against throughout. For example, paragraph four (on page 1), argues that graffiti can spoil the appearance of a neighbourhood: graffiti makes areas look rundown and poorly kept and in most cases this is true. In paragraph five, the candidate argues that the opposite can also be true: On the other hand, if graffiti is done by the correct people with enough support from the local authorities it can improve how the area looks and in some cases, even attract people to areas where the graffiti is well done. Paragraph six (on page 2) covers the legal issues surrounding graffiti, and again there is evidence of relevant research having been undertaken In some cases such as tagging on a government building, or war memorial the offender can face one hundred hours of community service. Paragraph seven neatly counters the punitive aspects with the observation that However, in specific areas that have been set up by the police or government to stop illegal graffiti, it is legal and can attract a lot of people either viewing the graffiti, or drawing it. The language used here, as elsewhere in the piece, is apposite, but is, perhaps, not varied enough to consistently create effect. The piece is concluded in a brief, and fairly simplistic, way: graffiti has both positive and negative sides, and I personally think it is a creative form of art Many others would say the opposite. While these comments are appropriate and convey a clear line of thought, depth is lacking. Overall, the candidate shows consistent attention to purpose. The discussion of the validity of graffiti as art demonstrates evidence of relevant research. The structure of the piece supports the meaning and purpose, but there is a lack of sophistication here. Considering the piece as a whole, it meets the statements of the 12-10 mark range without ever exceeding them. Similarly, it does not fall short of this level, and is therefore awarded 11 marks.
Commentary on Candidate 5 Don t Panic Mark: 6 This piece opens with some engagement. There is a sense of the candidate s anticipation with the use of the word Finally, and atmosphere is suggested: a huge crowd filling both upstairs and downstairs, and all you could hear was the screaming and shouting. Contrast is established when the candidate writes that the crowd were soon quiet when the lead singer started to speak. However, on reading on, it is apparent that there are inaccuracies in sentence construction, and some spelling errors. At the bottom of the first page there is an attempt to offer detailed description of the experience through our throats sore and dry, and our ears ringing from the level of noise, but this is not developed any further. This is characteristic of the piece as a whole. The paragraph at the top of page 2 suggests involvement, but it becomes narrative and pedestrian. The paragraph which follows employs a flashback to the time before the concert, and as such is an attempt to deploy an appropriate feature of the genre. There are details of the candidate s confusion and surprise about her friend not being there, and some involvement is suggested in the details about her friend teasing her about the spare ticket, and when the candidate notes Excitedly, I rushed home to ask permission for my mum to go. Description of the experience is offered on page 3 ( I got extremely happy ), but this is not developed any further. On page 3 the candidate attempts to describe the concert venue, but this is again limited: huge with many different sections. At this point structure breaks down a little as the candidate jumps back to the lead up to the concert. This is confused and detracts from the success of the piece. At the bottom of page 3 the candidate s involvement is only implicit as the experience is described in a fairly pedestrian way. The word choice lacks variety, and is, at times, unfortunate: I redone my makeup. This lack of variety continues onto page 4, but there are occasional glimpses of involvement: they struggled to find seats together, and people piled in. A sense of involvement is regained on page 5: I loved the band and had for a long time but I never expected to see them, but this has not been a consistent feature of the piece. Overall, attention to purpose is not always sustained, as the candidate drifts too often into narrative. There is an attempt to describe various aspects of the experience, but there is no real depth and, while a sense of involvement does sometimes come across it is not sustained. In terms of style, there is an attempt to deploy the features of the genre (eg the use of flashback), but the use of structure is not always convincing. Language features lack variety and there are some errors. This piece of writing is placed in the 6-4 mark range, and, because of the occasional glimpses of involvement is awarded 6 marks.
Commentary on Candidate 6 The Clash of the Classes Mark: 14 On first reading, it is apparent straight away that this piece employs a dual structure. This is clearly an attempt to reflect the conflict between two points of view suggested in the title: The Clash of the Classes. As such, the structure of the piece could be said to enhance meaning. The use of parallel opening sentences at the start of each section underlines this impression. Language is also used to effect in the alliterative title. Features of the genre are employed effectively with the establishment of the first character in the opening paragraph. Apposite word choice (eg obscenely long detour, and almost smell the poverty ) contributes to the creation of an appropriately sardonic tone. This tone is effectively continued in paragraph two, with effective word choice ( littered, vermin, underclass ), the use of a minor sentence, and contrasting details. These sustain the creation of a particular effect, and make up an effective deployment of the features of the genre. The effective use of sentence structure (questions, exclamations and a minor sentence), is again a feature of paragraph three. The inclusion of the word Yet, gives an appropriate signal that the direction of the narrative is about to change. Word choice indicates nervousness, creating the effect intended by the writer at this point. The concluding paragraph of the first section has real impact: I walk away feeling a richer person [than] I ever have. Once again, word choice is used effectively in the opening of the second section: crying in embarrassment, king on his throne. The use of inverted commas (with normal on page 2), is a sophisticated strategy which helps to convey the speaker s embittered tone. The candidate deploys a feature of the chosen genre in an effective way. In paragraph three, on page 2, there is effective use of imagery: To him I will be just another piece of litter on the street. The candidate also makes good use of questions in this paragraph to underline the speaker s sense of frustration. The candidate concludes the second section with a reference to the ending of section one. Here again, structure is used to enhance meaning. Overall, there is a sense on reading this piece of a young writer effectively deploying the features of the chosen genre. Attention to purpose and audience is consistent, language is varied and is used, along with structure, to enhance meaning. It is placed within the 15-13 range, and is awarded 14 marks.