CARNIVAL OF LIARS Screenplay by James S. Lawrence 828 W. Eleven Mile Road, Royal Oak, MI 48067 248-399-6930 ynot@earthlink.net SCENE 1 Attorney Louis Lerman is in his office tapping out a motion on a computer keyboard. He is tall and overweight. One of his partners, Diane Casserelli, enters. I'm going over to Judge Taylor's. If the Harkins show up, will you tell them I'll be back by 3:30 or 4? Why don't you just have Betty tell them? Betty! That birdbrain can barely tell the difference between my client and a box of donuts. Just tell the Harkins what I said, okay? All right. Louis stands, fumbles to tuck in white shirt. And be nice to them, for heaven's sake. These folks have dough! I don't want them going down the street like the Targoff's Louis plops into chair, looks up sheepishly. Cut to Louis greeting couple in waiting room, having Harkins sit, while Betty works on nails. Louis is in his office at the computer. Diane walks in, displays spread of hundred dollar bills. They're gone, but not forgotten. Not bad, eh Louie? Diane reaches into Louis's shirt pocket, extracts a money order. Hey, 75 big ones. You're in the big time now. A couple more of these and you can pay your parking for the month Don't worry Louie, I'm just kidding. I know you're a great lawyer. That's why I'm gonna pay you some of these C-notes to help me out on Kevin Harkins' case. That is, if you're interested.
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 2 Well, I'll be interested as soon as I finish up on Mr. Granger. You remember, the case where the prosecutor made up the facts in his closing argument. You're a genius. You always find the good issues. That's why if I get arrested, I'm getting you for my lawyer. Not just for your brain. There's also those great credit terms you give out. And if you really squeeze me, I suppose I could always come up with another $75 to keep you working. You always were a bitch. Would you want a lawyer who wasn't a bitch? Anyway, I'm meeting some of the girls, I mean women, I'm meeting the women down at Flood's Bar. I'd invite you, but you look kind of busy. I almost missed the deadline on the Dan Granger case, and it's tomorrow. Well, then I guess you better get crackin'. Oh, wait a minute. That was your other client who got crackin'. Remember? She got crackin'? Cut to Louis by copy machine, stapling copies. Phone rings. Louis and Diane speak by telephone. Hey partner, working late? I thought you would've split already. Actually, I left hours ago. Well, it's too bad you're not there. Because if you were, I would invite you down to Ye Olde Tap Room where we're having a drink. You know where that is? On Charlevoix, over by the Grosse Pointe Park border? I'm a little tired. I've been working on Dan Granger's brief all night. And I'm sure it's a good one. You always write the best briefs. Anyway, I have a question for you. Who's the most beautiful female attorney you know? Julie Edwards. And who is the one you've been lusting after for years?
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 3 Julie Edwards. And who is the one who just broke up with her boyfriend about a month ago? Julie Edwards. Well, I just happen to be down here with Julie Edwards. She went to the bathroom for a minute. Listen. She's REALLY drunk. And she's horny. I strongly recommend you get your butt down here right now. Do you think I can get down there in time? Well, it's your dick. You go ahead and do whatever you want. But if you're coming, I'll stall Julie until you get here. I've been telling her how smart you are and how nice you are. Diane, this is really... Don't worry, I'll make sure you make it up to me. Now hurry! Louis picks up items, rushes to car, drives off. He soon is stopped by police car. Officer Corznowski walks up. THOUGHTS OF Oh my God. It's Corznowski. CORZNOWSKI: CORZNOWSKI: Oh, good evening counselor. I didn't realize it was you. I haven't seen you since the Barloni case. License, registration, and proof of insurance please Do you know why I pulled you over?" Actually, I thought it was because you recognized me. Oh no, counsel. You might think that I hate you because you implied I was a liar, right to my face in front of everyone, and then said outright I was a liar in your closing argument, when I never lied even once in that case. You might think that I hate you because I bust my butt and risk my life to bring in criminals, and some smartass defense attorney does his best to undo everything I've accomplished. But you would be wrong. I understand you were just doing your job. We have to be professionals about our jobs. If my son or daughter got arrested I would want to have a smart-ass defense attorney around. Just like if you were being robbed you'd want a cop around. Isn't that right?
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 4 CORZNOWSKI: CORZNOWSKI: I agree completely. That's why I know you'll understand that I'm just doing MY job, when I issue you citations for the violations I've witnessed Speeding. Disobeying traffic control device. Reckless driving. Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir? Not a thing. I would be happy to take the breathalyzer test. That won't be necessary. Please wait here. Cornowski goes to car. Louis waits, looks at watch. It is after 2, bar is now closed. THOUGHTS OF What a disaster. CORZNOWSKI: I'm going to issue you an appearance ticket on the violations. However, I'll still have to ask you to step out of the car, sir. What for? CORZNOWSKI (grinning): It seems you failed to appear in court on your speeding ticket from Roscommon County. I'm instructed to take you in to the station. You'll be allowed to bond out for $300. All right. Let's go. Corznowski handcuffs Louis and places him in the back seat of the patrol car. His partner begins to drive. CORZNOWSKI: CORZNOWSKI: You know, counsel, I'm moving up to detective next month. I'll be able to spend more time gathering evidence against your scumbag clients. Some of them are scumbuckets. You have to get your terms straight. Can you believe this guy? You know they're scum, but you're in bed with them anyway. Why? I was joking. Cut to Louis in police station lobby. He signs for his property, and turns to leave. Officers drag in Julie Edwards, with disheveled hair, puffy eyes, runny
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 5 nose. She stumbles as officer pulls her. Louis focuses on her bottom. She looks up and sees Louis. Louis, thank God! You've got to help me! BRADLEY (officer): Shut up. BRADLEY: BRADLEY: I'm an attorney. May I speak with her please? Only if you're representing her. Please Louis. I want you to represent me. I'll pay you anything you ask, as soon as I'm out. Please Louis. Please. I'm representing this lady, officers. All right, you can talk to her as soon as we're done with pictures and prints. Officers begin to escort Julie to the back. Louis calls out to them. BRADLEY: What are the charges? Well, drunk driving, for starters. Don't answer any questions without me present! When they ask questions, make sure you tell them you want your lawyer! Cut to Louis and Julie in small room, seated at metal table.. Oh Louis, you don't know what I've been through... Did you answer any questions? Just my name and address. Good. You already know that you'll be held for arraignment tomorrow morning at District Court. Is there anyone we can call that can post your bail once it's set? My parents are at 555-2495. Clifford and Margery Edwards. My brother is at 248- uhh... 555... mmm... I think it's 0923. Howard Edwards. Oh God. This is awful.
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 6 JULIE (crying): LOUIS It's not as bad as you think. As long as this is your first offense, you'll probably get off with no jail at all. Just a fine, some community service, maybe alcohol school. They teach you it's not good to drink. It's just a speech. You listen. You pretend to agree. I'm sure you can handle it. And if it wasn't a first offense? Oh, Julie. How many drunk drivings do you have? Unless you get me off, this will be number 4. The judge said if I came back again he would put me in jail for a year. A year! Did you blow? What? Blow. Into the breathalyzer machine. Oh. Yes I did. What did you blow? I think it was point two five or point two three, something like that. LOUIS (disappointed look on face): We'll discuss the facts later. Is it too late to call your parents or brother? Call my mother at least. It is late, but I know she would want to know where I am. Oh God. BRADLEY (from outside door): Let's wrap it up. All right. One second. I'll see you in the morning, all right? They both stand. Julie runs at Louis and throws her arms around him. Oh Louis. I wish you could have made it to the bar tonight. You could have driven me home. Then we could be at my place instead of in this stupid jail. Key turns in the door. Louis pushes Julie away as officer opens door. I'll see you in the morning, Ms. Edwards. It should be about 10 or 10:30.
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 7 Thank you Mr. Lerman. Cut to Louis outside police station, trying to catch a cab. SCENE 2 Louis is at home, on telephone with Diane: You idiot! First you blow what looked like the only sure thing I ever found for you in three years of trying, and now you're representing her? What were you thinking? She was begging me for help. What else could I do? Didn't you hear about that lawyer up in Troy, Todd something or other? The Bar pulled his ticket for having sex with a client. The Supreme Court said it was un-ethical conduct. Meaning not ethical. You know what that means? You're legally barred from having sex with Julie Edwards until this case is over. In fact, the way I read the opinion, you better keep your hands off altogether. Nice going, sport. And I was telling everyone you were a genius. Jeez! Want to hear more? There's more? Yeah, lots more. If she ends up going to jail, who do you think she's gonna blame? Herself? Yeah, right. You know who it's gonna be. It's gonna be you. Let me tell you, it's not a good thing to be on Julie's shit list. I imagine your chances of getting in her pants would be about minus 3 zillion. Thanks for cheering me up. So can you help me get my car? It's almost 8. Wait a minute. I forgot one thing. Did Julie tell you about her record? Yeah. She said this will be her fourth drunk driving. Not her drunk driving record, her other record.
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 8 What do you mean? I'll tell you later. I'm coming to get you right now. Louis fumbles around bathroom. He sniffs his underarms, looks disturbed, and double applies deodorant. Cut to Louis in Diane's car. Carlos thinks the whole thing is really funny. Know what? So do I. Is there anyone you're not going to tell? Maybe you should just take out an ad. By the way, I hope you're not thinking of putting her on the witness stand. I haven't even seen the police report yet. It's a little early to be planning trial strategy. Who knows? Maybe we could even work out a plea. Well, good luck. Anyway, if you do have a trial, I'm not sure Julie is necessarily going to make the very best witness. What do you mean? Well, sure, I know she's charming and believable and stuff, and men just love her, and she's smart and all, and she can probably figure out the right answers to all the questions, but there's still one thing that might make her a bad witness. What's that? She has a conviction get this... for PERJURY. Diane and Louis start laughing. Yeah. She didn't blow the machine, then at her trial she denied she was drinking at all, so they called in the bartender as rebuttal. Not only did they get her for the drunk driving, then they gave her a perjury rap. She pled to the misdemeanor and got something like, I don't know, a six month suspension on her Bar license and 200 hours of community service I think it was. I wonder what she'll get this time. Oh man. The laughing subsides
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 9 I can't wait for the trial. I can see the prosecutor now. "Do you have any convictions for crimes of theft or dishonesty in the last ten years?" "Well, just one -- perjury." They start laughing again. Well, I'm glad to see that you're starting to laugh. You sounded pretty bummed out on the phone. This is the place. If I were you I would buy one of those blow up dolls. See you later. Adios. Thanks, Diane. Ahh, you make it up to me every day. Cut to Louis outside courtroom. Sign on door says arraignments will be at 1:00 today. Louis stomps his foot. He places a telephone call to Hank. So, Hank, I've got to get these papers to Lansing today, but they just changed my morning court to afternoon. Can you drive the papers up there for me? Well, I've got the time and all, but didn't the judge tell me not to drive? Damn, that's right. Now, I'm not saying I never drive. No, sir. I'm gonna be honest with you. I have been driving some. But with you being a lawyer and all, I know you wouldn't want to be responsible if I got caught. I mean, you do know I'm suspended. You were right there. And I would be carrying your papers. Well what about one of your friends? Well, if you want I could call around and see if anyone can do it. How much are you paying? LOUIS (after looking in wallet): I would pay $50. Damn, you ain't gettin' no one for no $50. You better make it at least a hundred. All right, I'll make it a hundred. Tell whoever it is to meet me at noon sharp outside the courthouse.
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 10 I'm telling you straight, boss, if you want a chance of getting someone to do it, it's gotta be at least $100. Cool. I'll call you back around eleven and see what's up. Louis meets a client in hallway, has discussion. He calls Hank again. Did you find anyone? Sure did. His name is Butch Masters. He drives a light blue 94 Cavalier. He has a beard. He's going to meet you outside the courthouse at noon. Thanks a lot, man. My pleasure. Louis is outside courthouse, pacing agitatedly, looking at watch. My God. It's almost one. Where is he? Louis notices UPS truck, and hustles over. SCOTT: SCOTT: SCOTT: Scott. Scott Ray. I know I still owe you money. I'm going to pay you. I promise. Relax. I'm not here for money. I have a package problem. What do you mean? I have to get these papers up to the courthouse in Lansing by the end of business today or I'm cooked, and an innocent man stays in jail. Well, I'm not really going that way today. Sorry But you know what we could do? If you could get to our central terminal out by the airport, and then just ask for Bob Wusselta. He's a dispatcher. Tell them Scott Ray sent you. Tell him what you need, and he can get it done. Tell him that Scott says to put it on his account. That's great, Scott, except for one thing. I've got to appear in court in just a few minutes. Is there any way that maybe you could get it to Bob Wusselta?
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 11 SCOTT: Well, I don't really have to go back to the terminal, but I guess I could find a reason to go, if you can give me some slack on my bill. Thanks a lot, Scott. You're a lifesaver. Louis walks into courthouse. Butch Masters pulls up in his car after Louis is gone. Cut to Louis in courtroom. He approaches clerk. CLERK: I'm here on People v Julie Edwards. Fill out an appearance form. Clerk hands him a form. Prisoners begin filling up holding area. Louis begins to fill out form. Julie's mother approaches. MRS. EDWARDS: Are you Julie Edwards' lawyer? Yes, I am. I'm attorney Louis Lerman. And you are... MRS. EDWARDS: MRS. EDWARDS: MRS. EDWARDS: MRS. EDWARDS: Her mother, Mrs. Margery Edwards. It's very nice to meet you, Mrs. Edwards. So can she get out today? Good chance, but she'll probably have to post a bond. I brought cash, just like you said. How much do you think it will be? t could be free, or it could be a million dollars. It's up to the judge. But like I said I think about five hundred dollars. It would help if we could tell the judge that from now on you or her brother would drive her to work. Tell the judge I will personally drive her. If I call on you to say something, you can say you'll drive her. Say you and her dad are gonna yell at her. Whatever you do, don't say anything bad about her. Unless it's completely good, don't say it. Also, don't say anything about her being innocent or guilty. If you get lost and don't know what to do, just stop talking and I'll step in.
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 12 MRS. EDWARDS: I understand. More prisoners file into holding area, including Julie, with hair out of place and clothes wrinkled. Louis discreetly waves to her. Julie sparkles and waves back. Judge Robideau enters courtroom. COURT OFFICER: CLERK: JUDGE R: CURRY: JUDGE R: CURRY: All rise Be seated. Curry Graham. Charge, disorderly person. You are Curry Graham? Yes, sir. Do you speak, read and understand the English language? Yes. JUDGE R: You are charged with disorderly person. This offense carries up to 93 days in jail. If I set a personal bond in this matter, where you pay no money to be released, but pay if you fail to show up, will you actually show up in court as required? CURRY: JUDGE R: CLERK: Yes, sir. I release you on personal bond of $2000. Sit over there and wait for the officer. Julie Edwards. Charges, Operating a Motor Vehicle Under the Influence of Intoxicating Liquors, third or higher offense, Operating a Motor Vehicle While License Suspended, second offense, Disobeying a Traffic Control Device, Reckless Driving, No Proof of Insurance, Probation Violation. Louis steps forward. Julie comes out and clutches his arm. JUDGE R: Louis Lerman appearing for the Defendant, Your Honor. This is quite a list of charges, counsel. And look at this record. Unbelievable. Do you want me to read it out loud for the record, counsel? That won't be necessary, judge.
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 13 JUDGE R: JUDGE R: JUDGE R: Well, that's good, counsel, because you've just saved this court a considerable amount of time. You may proceed. I would like to point out that Ms. Edwards is employed full time. Her mother is here to take her home, and she has never failed to appear in court when required. Yes, counsel. I agree with you. She has a long record of showing up for court whenever she was being charged with breaking the law. Quite long. But I have to think about more than just whether she will appear. I have to think about the public safety. While she is presumed to be innocent, I know she was ordered not to drive, and the police report certainly seems to suggest driving, since the car was moving and she was the only one in it. If I order her not to drive again, is it going to do any good? Ma'am, do you know what you blew on the breathalyzer? I'm not sure, exactly. Point two five. That puts you in the top 10% of drunk drivers, if you are found to be guilty. How can I trust you to obey the order of this court? If I release you, how do I know you won't drive again or drink and drive again? I swear, Your Honor... THOUGHTS OF Whoa. The last thing we need is Julie talking. MRS. EDWARDS: Her mother is here, Your Honor, and she says that she is willing to take Ms. Edwards to work and back every day when she has no other ride. Ms. Edwards is employed, Your Honor. I would hate to see her lose her job and spend weeks in jail awaiting disposition of the case when she has a good record of appearing for court. I'm certain she will not drive with all this at stake. I promise, judge. Mrs. Edwards, will you tell the judge what you'll be doing to help Julie? Judge, I swear I will take her to work every day if I have to. Her brother will help, too. She will not drive. I guarantee it. I'm taking her car keys. And her father and I are going to give her a big lecture tonight, you better believe that. Please, judge, please. She's a very nice girl. She'll obey, I'll make sure of that.
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 14 JUDGE R: JUDGE R: JUDGE R: JUDGE R: Young lady. I am going to ask you directly. If I allow you the privilege of being released on bail, a condition of that release will be that you will not drive at all, and I emphasize at all, unless you are in possession of a valid driver's license. Will you abide by that condition? Yes, sir. If I allow you the privilege of being released on bail, a condition of that release will be that you will not drink alcoholic beverages or use controlled substances at all, and I emphasize at all, unless it is with a doctor's prescription. Will you abide by that condition? Yes, Your Honor. And you're telling me the truth. Yes, Your Honor. Very well. Five thousand dollars bond, pay 10%. I am adding as a condition that the probation department can call you in and test your blood or urine at any time at their discretion. No alcohol, no controlled substances without a prescription, no driving. Any violations you go straight to jail. Sit over there and wait for the officer. Cut to Louis in hallway with Julie and Mrs. Edwards. MRS. EDWARDS: You are so good. Thank you for helping out my baby. Our next court date is June 14, 8:30 a.m. However, there's no sense in showing up before 9. Do I have any chance? Well, it's still too early to tell, but I've got a question. When I asked you at the jail, you said that you only told the police your name. Well, my name, address, phone number. I think I might have mentioned where I work. I never talked to them about the case. But the police report says you admitted you were drinking at Flood's Bar and Ye Olde Tap Room. How would the officer know what bars you went to unless you told him?
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 15 MRS. EDWARDS: I guess I must have forgotten I told him. I'm sorry. That really hurts my chances, doesn't it? Maybe not. We'll have to see. Don't worry. Why are they always picking on my daughter? THOUGHTS OF Because she likes to drink and drive, perhaps? Because she refuses to obey court orders not to drive? Because when she is drunk she cannot drive safely enough to avoid detection by the police? I don't know. Once they get someone once, they like to keep coming back to the same customers, I guess. I just want to go home now, Louis. I'm tired and my back hurts and I smell and my hair's messed up. I'll talk to you later. Is that okay? Sure. Julie and Mrs. Edwards walk away. Louis stares hungrily at Julie. Large bearded man approaches Louis. BUTCH: BUTCH: BUTCH: You attorney Louis Lerman? That's right. Man, I been waiting for you outside. I'm Butch. I'm here to drive the papers to the other courthouse. Where were you? I waited an hour for you. You were supposed to be here by noon. I had to be court at one. When you were told noon we weren't playing around. The papers had to get there on time. I had to pay someone else to take the papers. You mean I been sitting there for an hour and you ain't got no papers for me to take. Man, I gave up another job for you, and now you're telling me you got nothing for me? Man, this ain't right. This ain't right. Look, you were late. You're the one who messed ME over. But since you were sitting out there, I'll give you ten bucks. Is that all right? Louis pulls out ten dollars. Butch reluctantly takes it.
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 16 BUTCH: Ten lousy bucks. All right, I'll take it. Butch begins to walk away, then turns and calls out loudly. BUTCH: No wonder people hate lawyers! Everyone in hallway looks at Louis. SCENE 3 Louis enters lobby of office. Carlos is there with Diane. He encloses Diane in his muscular arms, while she squirms and giggles. Carlos looks up and sees Louts. CARLOS: CARLOS: Hello Luís,.. I hope you didn't invite him over for tonight, mi vida. I have some very special plans for you this evening. No. I am yours, completely, for the whole night. This is a good woman. A real woman. Don't you wish you had a real woman like this? Carlos grabs Diane's bottom. CARLOS: CARLOS: CARLOS: No. He's crazy about that Julie Edwards. The borracha? Yes, I heard about your problems with the lady. Very amusing. Is that the right word? Amusing? Amusing is good, but you could try hilarious, funny, laughable. The English language has lots of words to describe Louis's love life. My friend, you should marry the girl. There is nothing wrong with being married. My wife and I will have much fun tonight. You're dern-tootin! And you know Luís, you maybe ought to lose some of that stomach and go and exercise. Work out, you know? Women like a man to be manly. That's right. And I'm a woman, so I ought to know. Let's go, baby.
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 17 CARLOS: You know it, corazón! Louis is in his apartment with Phil and Charlie, playing cards. All are drinking. Phil is drunk. CHARLIE: PHIL: CHARLIE: PHIL: I am not so sure Carlos is right. I'm married, and I don't see where it's so gol-darned flocking great. I had to ask permission even to come over here tonight. And I almost didn't get it. In fact, this is the first time I got out for about two months. I used to be married. It has a few drawbacks. But it depends on how you feel. How do YOU feel about being yelled and bitched at thirty four hours a day, by someone who's spending all your money? The real question, though, is what does her butt look like? Is it, like, one of those perfectly shaped ones that winks at you when she walks, or is it one of those flat, droopy ones? Or is it maybe one of those giant ones, that shakes all over with every step? They laugh. PHIL: CHARLIE: PHIL: CHARLIE: I think there's little doubt that Julie's butt is A number one, and nine out of ten government inspectors agree. You mean there's a job like that? Where do I apply? Well, I'll believe it when I see it. Any chance we'll be seeing her butt tonight, Louis? Yeah, Louis. Get her on over here. I'm willing to look at her butt. And anything else, for that matter. The last thing I would do is expose her to two sex-crazed maniacs like yourselves. Your uncouth behavior could end up tarnishing my image. I'm gonna try to trick her into thinking I have high-class friends. Look, there's your old law school classmate.
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 18 Commercial comes on TV. Charlie turns up the sound. Card game is suspended. Vigorous music with trumpets herald images of the dynamic Joe Arnold striding forward with resolve to do battle. ANNOUNCER: When attorney Joe Arnold goes into action, the job gets done! But when you get Joe Arnold, you get more than Joe Arnold. You get the Joe Arnold team. Joe is shown with staff of 14. ANNOUNCER: These people help make it possible for Joe Arnold to achieve the results he does. And what results! Newspaper cutouts flash on the screen. "Injured Woman Wins $5.1 Million." "Gonzales Found Not Guilty." "School Board Policy Illegal, Says Court." "Local Bar Association Honors Arnold." ANNOUNCER: Call 555-2600 24 hours a day, to set up your free appointment with the law offices of Joe Arnold. Charlie turns down sound on TV. Card game resumes. PHIL: CHARLIE: PHIL: CHARLIE: So, how's your career going, Louis? Yeah. What I want to know is, what time does your commercial come on? I'd really like to see you striding toward the courthouse. I think you'd look pretty dynamic. And, you could mention that when they hire you, they also get one fourth of Betty. And we're perfectly willing to honor you at the local bar, especially if you're buying. Actually, the commercial is in production now. You'll have to check with my agent about the first air date. I think the air date is tonight. Hot air. But seriously, Louis, are you gonna run commercials to try to make some real dough like Joe Arnold? Or what are you gonna do? Because, you know, this dump you live in is not likely to impress this girl you're drooling over. Louis looks around the flat, disturbed by what he sees. I guess you're right. I'm going to have to move.
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 19 PHIL: CHARLIE: PHIL: CHARLIE: And don't forget about some new furniture. And a new wardrobe. And perhaps some Scope. Once in the morning does it. Well, that's up five for me, and the game. And you know what they say, "lucky in cards, lucky in love." I don't think that's how the saying goes. SCENE 4 Louis is in his flat late Sunday morning when Diane calls. Are you going in to the office tomorrow? I kind of wanted you to look at this one case for me. I have a 9 o'clock at Judge Quinn's. It's a circuit court arraignment on that stalking case. Aggravated? Naturally. What client of mine would be so wimpy as to only commit ordinary, unaggravated stalking? Speaking of aggravated offenses, Julie wants to know if you'll be in your office when she gets her lunch break at noon. See, she's not telling anyone at her job about this. She doesn't want anyone to know she's got charges that could put her in the pokey. She's praying that you're just gonna get her out of this. You know, kind of like -- magic? Are you feeling any pressure yet? Not me. And I should be there by noon. But this does bring up an important point. How much do you think I should charge her? Now that's an excellent question. My feeling is you can't lowball her. If she sees you working for almost nothing, like usual, she's likely to lose respect for you. Besides, she can afford it. So, what, about $10,000? Or should we make it twenty?
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 20 Are you nuts? What do you usually charge? Well, it depends. I usually have one fee for everything but a trial, and then a second fee for a trial. For a misdemeanor... This is no misdemeanor. Did you forget it's a fourth offense? This is a felony, baby. But I think ten grand's a little steep. Even if you went to trial, trial wouldn't last more than a day, maybe two if you called in experts. I would charge her, say, six thousand. You could make it three and three if you wanted. That's high enough to make a little, but not so high you piss her off. The guy on Thursday paid me three hundred dollars total. Yeah, but that was just going in and pleading. Hell, I've done that for two hundred bucks. We're talking about putting in some real effort here. I assume you want to win, don't you? I was thinking of calling you as a witness, Diane. Will you testify that she was drinking nothing but soda pop at the bar, and she wasn't drunk at all? Yeah, right. You want me to end up with a perjury conviction like Julie? That'll do wonders for my livelihood. In fact, you'll be lucky if they don't subpoena me to be a prosecution witness. But I don't know how they would find out who was at the bar with her. Well, possibly because she blabbed. The police report says she admitted drinking at Flood's Bar and Ye Olde Tap Room. Who knows what else she told them? Hah! I guess she wanted to see if that last bartender testimony incident was just an unlucky fluke. So she leads the cops right to them. Who knows, maybe THESE bartenders will say she's innocent! You never know. But if you're looking for a defense from me, I think you better look elsewhere. You know, my own driving activities that night are not entirely free from controversy, if you catch my drift. And those pesky bartenders. I mean Jeez. They must just spend all their time looking at the customers, because they sure seem to remember them. I reject your offer to commit perjury, counselor. Wait a minute. Who said anything about perjury? I just asked if you happened to be a witness to her being innocent. I wasn't there. I don't know what happened. You would have to tell me what
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 21 happened. If that tends to make Julie look guilty, despite her obvious factual innocence, then I won't call you as a witness. I think it would be in your client's best interest for you not to ask me what happened that night. Well, if I can't call you as a witness, and I can't call Julie as a witness, who can I call as a witness? Well, that's your problem, Louie. That's why I'm glad you've got the case and not me. I've got to go, see ya. Louis places a call to Hank. I've got a favor for you to do for me. I heard from Butch. He's not happy. Forget Butch. It's his fault he got there late. I need you to do something. Are you gonna do it or not? Well, that depends what it is. I want you to call Joe Arnold's office. Tell them you have a drunk driving case, fourth offense. Tell them you're employed. Tell them you've got to have Joe Arnold personally, not one of his employees. Find out what they want to charge you. Then tell them you'll think it over. Then tell me what they said. If they won't give it out over the phone, make an appointment for Monday morning for your free consultation. Get me the numbers by noon tomorrow. Call me at my office. What for? I need to know, and this is the only way I can see to find out. All right, boss. Consider it done. By the way, do you think I could swing by and pick up twenty bucks? Borrow it? You see, I was supposed to get paid on this job yesterday, and then the guy didn't show up, and I need to... All right. But don't drive. Get someone to take you. You're the boss.
CARNIVAL OF LIARS, by James S. Lawrence 22 Cut to Hank in Louis's flat, dressed in dirty jeans and faded Black Sabbath t-shirt. He wears a grubby grey and red GMC cap over his longish brown hair. He has come alone. He pockets $20 from Louis. So this Carlos guy says I need to exercise. I tried it before. I didn't like it. You got to protect your health, man. I could take you over to see Ricky. Down in his basement he's got a lot of different weights, and this machine that does different exercises. Did you ever see Arnold Schwarzenegger? That's what Ricky'll have you looking like in say, about four weeks. Well, okay. In your case maybe we better give it five weeks. But I know he can do it. Want to go over there now? Maybe some other time. I've got some important relaxing I need to do today. By the way, when were you gonna get to fixing the air conditioner on my car like you said you were gonna do this weekend? Oh, man, I forgot. I'm supposed to meet this guy over in Westland in 20 minutes about this job. Listen, I've got to go. But I'll get to it sometime this week. Hank runs out the door, then sticks his head back in. LOUIS (sighing): And I'll call Joe Arnold's office today. You know they've got an operator on duty twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. I know. I know.