REDUCING STUDENT CRUELTY AND ENHANCING CONNECTEDNESS, CARING, AND POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS PRESENTATION BY: MARCIA MCEVOY, PH.D. LICENSED PSYCHOLOGIST

REDUCING STUDENT CRUELTY AND ENHANCING CONNECTEDNESS, CARING, AND POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS PRESENTATION BY: MARCIA MCEVOY, PH.D. LICENSED PSYCHOLOGIST

Let s stop calling everything bullying. Harm is not just done by bullies. Everyone has done something mean at some point. Let s help kids stop instead.

Let s differen,ate between 1)annoying/bothering behaviors 2) normal peer conflict 3) mean/aggressive behaviors. These three behaviors require different types of responses.

For bothering/bugging/annoying behaviors: calm-neutral face, firm but matter-of-fact voice, good eye contact: That s bothering me. Please stop. (Say thank you or count to 5) That s bothering me. Please stop. (Say thank you or count to 5) Stop or I ll report it. (Say thank you or report it.)

Two important quesaons: 1) What is the difference between normal peer conflict and mean behavior/peer mistreatment? 2) When should adults intervene?

How do you help students resolve normal peer conflict (a disagreement, social problem, misunderstanding) before it escalates to mean and aggressive behavior?

If you re upset with a peer, ask yourself: 1. What is he or she specifically doing that is making me upset? 2. What do I want him or her to do differently? 3. What could I do differently to resolve the conflict?

PEACE WHEEL 7. Try It Out 1. Name The Problem 6. Pick A Positive Solution Together 2. Name Your Feelings 5. Talk Over Each Idea 4. Brainstorm Solutions 3. Say What You Want or Need From The Other Person

SOLUTION WHEEL Flip A Coin Take Turns Or Share Forget About It Apologize Avoid Or Postpone Use Humor Get Adult Help Bargain Or Compromise

Intervene early and often with mean behavior Zero indifference to cruelty

MEAN BEHAVIOR (PEER MISTREATMENT) IS ANY LOOK, GESTURE, WORD, OR ACTION THAT HURTS A PERSON S BODY, FEELINGS, FRIENDSHIPS, REPUTATION, OR PROPERTY.

Mean Behaviors are... Mean Looks Mean Gestures Mean Words Mean Actions That hurt my Body Feelings Friendships Property

Nice Behaviors are... Kind Looks Kind Gestures Kind Words Kind Actions That are good for my Body Feelings Friendships Property

Goofing around or playing that may include pushing, shoving, grabbing, jumping on, play fighting, mean or rude gestures, name calling, or rude remarks in which there appears to be no intention to hurt, but it is possible that body or feelings will be hurt.

DON T ALLOW DISRESPECT, CONTEMPT, OR VERBAL CRUELTY CAMOUFLAGED AS HORSEPLAY : 1) No offense but, 2) Just kidding! 3) I don t mean to hurt your feelings or anything but, 4) Just sayin. Just being honest.

15 SECOND INTERVENTION Pull child aside privately. Use a calm voice. Don t argue. Stick to the points below. I saw you. (Repeat to them what you saw and heard exactly.) That was mean. I would never let someone do that to you, and it s not okay that you did that to (other child). We don t do that (at my house, in my van, in my yard, etc.). That needs to stop. IF IT SEEMS APPROPRIATE: You need to figure out a way to make this right. Any ideas?

Never force an apology. Genuine apologies follow a 4 step process.

1. Describe what you did. --I told someone your secret. --I did not include you in the activity. --I talked about you behind your back. 2. Describe how you hurt him or her. --I embarrassed you when I told your private business. --I made you feel sad and left out. -- I hurt your feelings and broke your trust. 3. Tell them what you wish you had done and what you will do next time to make it right. --I wish I had kept my lip zipped. Next time I will keep your private information to myself. --I wish I hadn t left you out. Next time I will include you. --I wish I hadn t said anything behind your back. Next time I ll talk to you directly if I am upset. 4. Apologize sincerely. I m REALLY sorry and won t do it again. (Wait. Stay quiet. Count to 10. Press lips together.)

Increase adult supervision in high- risk areas so there is a high likelihood of getting caught. Shift the cost- benefit ratio by having consistent consequences that start small and gradually escalate a consequence rubric for mean behavior.

RUBRIC VIDEO

Child Rearing That Creates Children Who Engage In Mean Behavior 1. Too little love, and too much freedom 2. Too much indulgence (defined as treating them like they are more special than anyone else, only deserve the best, should always be first, are more important, etc.) and too much freedom

By Sheri Moskowitz Noga

PARENTS SHOULD PAY ATTENTION TO THEIR OWN BEHAVIORS BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL!

Adult interven,on 3 choices role play

WHAT CAN PARENTS DO TO MODIFY AGGRESSION? - Set firm limits on sibling aggression. - Limit exposure to violent media. - Provide service learning opportuni,es. - Create daily opportuni,es for kindness. - Ask every night before bed: What s one kind thing you did for today? - Be a good role model pay ahen,on to your aggressive behavior.

What if the behavior directed at your child is normal peer conflict that has escalated into mean behavior, but it doesn t happen in front of you?

Coach your child to respond. The response will differ depending on whether the person being mean is 1) a close friend, or 2) a kid that doesn t like your child and is not friends with your child.

1. I didn t like it when you. 2. I wouldn t do that to you. Please don t do that to me. 3. Friends shouldn t treat each other that way. 4. Can you think about it?

NO JOKE ZONE That s an NJZ. - Hair - Height - Weight - Complexion (freckles, zits) Clothes If you enter an NJZ, sincerely apologize and change the subject!

THREE WAYS TO RESPOND TO REPEATED MEAN BEHAVIOR FROM A FRIEND. The first two are mistakes! 1. Put up and shut up. 2. Abruptly and completely end the rela,onship. 3. Bump your friend out a ring.

A True Friend? Someone who hurts you repeatedly is not your friend. Bump this kid who is repeatedly mean to you out a ring. Build more supportive relationships with other kids. There are social groups that don t involve being in the popular clique.

BE A SOCIAL ENGINEER Arrange play dates and social activities with nice kids in the class or grade. Help your child rely on hobbies. Get your child involved in activities outside of school where he or she can meet new kids. Have fun together. Create a life outside your child s sphere of troubles. Teach ways to self- soothe. Listen actively. When your child is ready, help him or her to problem solve (e.g., What have you tried? What else could you try? What might happen if you did that? What is your best choice? What can I do to help you?). Strongly discourage retaliation.

TARGET HARDENING BUILDING RESILIENCY BY HELPING KIDS RESPOND ASSERTIVELY AND CONFIDENTLY TO EVERYDAY SLIGHTS, RUDE BEHAVIOR, MEAN TEASING, HURTFUL INTERACTIONS, ETC.

Target Hardening If someone is hurting you physically, walk away calmly with chin straight ahead, shoulders down, swing arms, don t look back, and get adult help immediately. Use humorous, neutral or assertive comeback. If what they say is true, smile and agree. Kill them with kindness. Use an assertive response with good posture, relaxed body language, calm face and lots of eye contact. Report it to an adult quietly and privately.

Thanks for sharing! Thanks! I appreciate that! Hey! I didn t know you cared! I ll take that as a compliment! Well, that was awkward! Well, that was special. (playfully) Excellent insult! Well done! Sweet! (playfully with smile) Oh my gosh! No one cares. (Smile) Dude, you been drinking the haterade or what? Wow! Interesting! (Fake Laugh) NO.

I m sorry you feel that way. That s your opinion. You re welcome to your opinion. We ll have to disagree on that. That s your thought. It s good to know how you see it. You think what you think and

Nice try. Not even close. Yeah, right. Whatever. Keep dreaming. Denied. I don t think so. Fail. Your point is? You re telling me this because? That would be a negative. You seriously need to chill. That s getting old. That s weak. Give it up. That makes you look bad and it s boring. Do you think it s cool to be mean? Must feel proud now, huh? I don t dress for you, so don t worry about it. What did that do for you? Dude, no. Cool! NOT!!

That says more about you than me. That would be a negative. Why would you say something like that to me? I would never say something like that to you. Whatever floats your boat. I guess being rude gets you through the day. That s just sad. If I wanted your opinion, I would have asked you for it. Is that it? Because I have to go. Were you up all night thinking of that one? That s unnecessary. Dude - - - No. I would care why?

That was mean and you re better than that. Why would someone so nice say something so mean? That surprises me. I didn t expect that from you. Don t be hating. That s not you. Sorry you hate my clothes. I think you look good today. Sorry you think I m stupid. I think you re pretty smart. Sorry you feel that way. I ve always thought that you were awesome.

Thanks for noticing! What? You just noticed that now? No kidding! What gave it away? Now there s a newsflash! Nothing gets past you! I ll alert the media. Big deal. What else is new? What a surprise! Thank you Captain Obvious. Now there s a shocker! Yup, you re right. Your point is..? You re telling me this because?

That s getting old and it s boring. Chill out. That s totally not cool and it makes you look bad. If you stop we re cool, but if you don t, I ll be reporting it. You seriously need to chill. If you don t, I m reporting it. That says more about you than me. It s lame. That s unnecessary. What did that do for you? Chillax. Knock it off or I ll be forced to report it. That s weak. Give it up. Stop or I ll report it. That s messed up. Quit the hating. Lay off. If you do it again, I m reporting it.

Tell: Who did it, what happened, where it happened, when did it get started (how long ago?), witnesses. Don t tell any other students that you reported, not even your best friend. Tell your parents. Go back to an adult if it doesn t stop.

POSITIVE BYSTANDER ACTIONS Use a shut down if it s safe strength in numbers Support the target later in a private, quiet manner (face- to- face, or text) Make an excuse to get the target away Be friendly and inclusive to targets (smile at, walk with, chat, invite to join, joke around with, etc.) Privately tell a mean friend to stop in a calm and respectful way For gossip/rumors disagree politely, change the subject, use humor to distract, use the awkward silence, use a shut down, keep your lip zipped and don t pass it along Go with a target to report it, or report it yourself

Knock it off Cut it out Ease up Quit it Just stop Chillax That s mean That s rude Lay off What s up with that? That s cold Relax That s not cool Give it up Step off Back off Chill out Seriously? That s weak That s messed up That s annoying That makes you look bad End it That s getting old That s unnecessary Calm down Nobody likes that That s just wrong That s boring What did that do for you? That s low Why are you ragging on him/ her? Enough Seriously? Wow! That s harsh

PARENTS NEED TO REINFORCE GOOD BYSTANDER BEHAVIORS Accountability if your child was present during a mean behavior episode, parents need to ask: What did you do to help? If you did nothing, why not? What could you have done? What will you do next time? What do we expect you to do?

Bullying is a form of aggression that is repeated, intenaonal, and involves an imbalance of power between the people involved. Bullying can take the form of a look, gesture, word, or acaon.

If it is bullying, parents need to encourage their child to report it. If the child won t report it, the parents need to report it.