To Be or Not To Be. Hendrik is out walking. He stops in a busy place.

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Alexandrina McDaniel
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1 To Be or Not To Be is out walking. He stops in a busy place. Half of them are talking their heads off. Half of them have got their traps shut. Traps? Meaning their mouths. But why? That is the question. But why? My feeling of puzzlement is bigger than the question. (He pauses to think, then comes out with some lines from Hamlet.) To be, or not to be, that is the question; Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them. He looks around, because people are beginning to gather outside a department store where a sale is about to start; and, a couple of buskers, are getting ready to perform. Across the road. This spot s mine. Mine as well. These people ve got money in their pockets. Credit cards. That s all anyone has these days. Everyone s got a heart and it s like a purse, if you can get it open. I don t eat unless I get them to listen. They re mine as much as yours. Bitch! I m no bitch any more than you re a bastard; we re rivals, that s all. I want these people s money and I don t want to share. I want these people s money and I don t mind sharing! (still musing) To die; to sleep, No more, and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache, and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to; He breaks off because he can see that the doors of the shop are about to open. (inside the shop, and calling over his shoulder) Everyone at their counters! (loudly) Unlock the doors! Then get out of the way! Happiness is the bottom of the hill, so run! Run! Run! The doors open. The crowd of shoppers bursts into the shop. Barganza! Happiness is a hill you can t climb! (coming out to the buskers) Clear off! They ll be inside for hours. Not all of them. Some of them know what they want Here s number one! (to Misery, who s coming out the door) Nothing there for you, mate? 64

2 Misery I can pay the normal price. What I can t stand is being pushed around. There s not many like you, I m pleased to say. Misery There s too many like you. Making fools of the rest of us. (exit) Giving you what you crave for, that s all we re doing. Tis a consummation Devoutly to be wished, to die, to sleep; To sleep; perchance to dream; ay, there s the rub; (to ) Why aren t you singing, mate? Eh? I ll give you a tune! ( plays a couple of bars of Way Down Upon The Swanee River, but shows no interest at all.) Snob, eh? Not good enough for you? His mind s in another place. For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, a well-dressed woman, circa fifty-five, comes out looking dazed. What department were you looking for? Longevity, and happiness. They re not actually on sale, though they can certainly be found within. Show me where. This way ma am. He leads her off with polish and charm. How stupid would you have to be to follow that man? You d need to be smarter than us, wouldn t you? Why do you say that? Because, look where we are. We re hanging around his door because we know he can pull the crowds in. Declare a sale! Touché! We ve got to eat! Let s have a tune. I need a snake s hiss first. What? Piss! (She doesn t get it.) Snake s hiss! Rhyming slang! You re talking about Joe Blakes? Ducks and drakes! There s toilets in the shop. Full of loonies, but I m busting, so I ve got no choice. (as he goes off) Grab a snag for me if you see any. (from afar) A sanger! A doggy stole a sausage, because he was underfed; the butcher caught him at it, and now poor doggy is dead! Dreary little song, but sad too, I suppose. What do you say to that,, if that s your name? must give us pause; there s the respect That makes calamity of so long life: For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, He s interrupted by the return of, who s managed to get rid of. 65

3 (referring to ) Where s that man gone? He s Most of the time. We put out rubbish for the sales, not inside? Let him keep his distance, or I ll call the we buy rubbish to have something cheap for them police. They won t come. They leave it up to you to manage the mob. I ll do my job, they ll do theirs. You ve got a nice voice. What about we do a song together? I d lose my job! Besides, what song would you know that I could sing? That s worth thinking about. (She strums, then starts singing quietly.) Oh what a beautiful morning, Oh what a beautiful day No, it s a lousy day. It s the worst day of the year. I hate it when all these greedy people swarm in my shop like locusts like cane toads grabbing anything so long as it s cheap! (with Sinatra in mind) New York! Noo Yark! Don t blame the Yanks. Blame the wretches that flock in here. The only day that s worse is Boxing Day, when they should be happy after Christmas, but no, in they rush, trying to break the doors down to get get what, I ask you? Shirts and socks and saucepans! Stuff we re selling every day of the year. Life doesn t change much, you know. We re the same people, we to grab. And they fight over it! The things I ve seen in there (, the disoriented lady, reappears.) Oh hell! I couldn t see anything I wanted. Are you sure I m in the right shop? I can assure you my dear lady you re in Velveteens, where we stock nothing but the best. Remind me what you were looking for? For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, The oppressor s wrong, the proud man s contumely, The pangs of despised love, the law s delay, The insolence of office That s what I m looking for! What? I want what that man s got. He hasn t got anything, only words he spouts at us (quietly) the stupid arse! He s got what I want. If he s got it, we ve got it in our shop. Somewhere! I very much doubt it. We ve got a whole floor devoted to books and music. If it s worth getting you can get it there. Tell me what you want? need the same things, and there s quality in here. I want fine words for every occasion. 66

4 (thinking) Stationery, probably. Third floor. Shall I We make a point of stocking everything in the known take you up? Though the lift is over there. world. (ignoring this: to ) Where did you get your You stock what you know about. Anything else, you words? don t have it. Clear enough? They re part of us. They re all around us. They re in I haven t got time to waste on people who think they us, if we look hard. know things I don t know. It s my business to be able That s what I thought. They re not really for sale at all. to answer any questions put to me. That s why I m at (to ) Not so silly this door! (twirling a finger near his brain to indicate what he I don t want it in book form, thank you. I want it thinks of ) They do have flashes, you know. personalised, shall we say. Customised, so it s ready Most of us don t do any better for me, and right. and the spurns Who would fardels bear, That patient merit of the unworthy takes, To grunt and sweat under a weary life, When he himself might his quietus make But that the dread of something after death, With a bare bodkin? The undiscovered country, from whose bourn Oh no, I don t think I mean to bare my bodkin! No traveller returns, puzzles the will It s not your bosom you know, it means a knife. Goodness, you have so much to say. You should let How strange. Who wrote that? someone else have a turn. (courteously) I believe it s quite well known. (indicating and ) There s nobody else to have Not by me. And if I haven t heard of something it s a turn, only these professional noisemakers. not worth knowing. (blowing a raspberry) Plllllllp! Treat this as an exception, I think. (smiling defiantly) My old man s a bachelor, he lives It s certainly not the rule any more. all alone Perhaps not and yet, we ll have it in our shop, you It s all right for you to sit there commenting. I get may be sure. paid by results. No customers, I lose my job! Think I wouldn t have faith in that, mate. about that, you pious little spruikers! 67

5 It s time the people in that first rush came out again. They need fresh air by now. And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of? (vehemently) Thus conscience does make cowards of us all Why re you saying all this when there s nobody listening? It s a bit odd, don t you think? is silent. He s a man with an obsession. Sometimes it s the only way to make people understand you. I want him to go on. Dear man, keep reciting your birthday poem, I like it. Birthday! (He s aghast, but she s encouraged him, so on he goes.) And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o er with the pale cast of thought, And enterprises of great pith and moment With this regard their currents turn awry And lose the name of action., a young woman who is the daughter of, comes on, looking anxiously for her mother., noticing her, continues his famous speech. Soft you now, The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons Be all my sins remembered. Mother! I had a feeling you might be here. Oh! I m so relieved. My darling, I haven t bought anything yet, though this man () took me inside, but it was only when I heard this man () that I knew what I wanted. What was that? (to ) Say it again, young man. This is my daughter and she wants to hear your your words. I ve finished. It s your daughter s turn, now. What? What s going on? You have to say, Good my lord, how does your honour for this many a day? (thinking he s nuts) Well, you ve said it, so what comes after that? (bowing) I humbly thank you, well. Well. Well. (to her mother) Andrew s got the car. You can t see him, but he s up the road a little, waiting. We ll drive you home. But darling, there s nobody there. At home, I mean; I m here. As you see. We ll take you to my house and make you a cup of tea, and you can tell us all you ve been doing. Not very much. I haven t bought a thing. But I do want to get the poetry this gentleman s been reciting. It s affected me quite deeply. ( bows.) (to ) What was it? 68

6 It s not finished yet. You should say, My lord, I have remembrances of yours/that I have longed long to re-deliver/i pray you now receive them. To which I will say, No, not I; I never gave you aught. Ah, a few of that first rush are starting to come out. Good morning sir, madam. A successful visit, I trust. Bags full of seized opportunities! (The shoppers don t take much notice of him as they leave.) Mother? Ready now? Andrew may not be there, darling. He may have driven away. Men are forgetful, when left on their own. He ll be there, mother. I left him with the clearest instructions. That s when they re least dependable. Your father I always taught you to respect him as a daughter should, but he was inclined to wander, at times. Wander? The beaten track is a virtuous one, for the most part, because everyone knows what you re doing (to ) Your mother s a songwriter, I think, or very close! (to her mother) The beaten track is where I want you to be, mother, and if you come with me, Andrew will get you in the car and we can take the track home! Yesterday! All my troubles were so far away! It s today we re dealing with. But she finds that has moved beside her and is speaking the lines which he feels she should be saying. My honoured lord, you know right well you did, And with them words of so sweet breath composed As made these things more rich: their perfume lost, Take these again; for to the noble mind Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind. (with great emphasis) There, my lord. Ask him for his book, darling. His verse, it s what I want. Nay, I need! (She s pleased with herself for sounding a little Shakespearean.) You heard my mother. If you would like to help me get her home, you d give me the book you re reading from. I ll buy it from you. I ll pay you well. (laughing at the opportunity she s given him) Ha ha! Are you honest? (in a rage) What? (correcting her) My lord! Ophelia says, My lord? And I say to her, to the woman whom I was to marry, before my sanity was overtaken, Are you fair? What means your lordship? (exultantly, because she s joined him in the famous play) That if you be honest and fair, your honesty should admit no discourse to your beauty. Could beauty, my lord, have better converse than with honesty? 69

7 Darling! You re talking to him as if you knew his book! I ve read it mother. You made sure we had a good education. If you ve still got the book at home we won t need to buy it off this man. I ve still got the book at home. Well, why don t we go there straight away? Just so, mother. Give me your arm. But how will we get home? I can t see any trams. Andrew has the car, mother. A little way up the hill. You know I don t like walking up hills, especially when I m wearing high heels. It s only a tiny little slope, mother, and Andrew will have the door open for you, and he ll help you get in. And he ll close it for me, as he always does. You did marry a gentleman, darling. On my advice, if I may remind you. (tartly) I remember your advice well, mother. She loves you yeah yeah yeah!!! What was your mother s advice, Sylvie? Can t you tell us, now you re going home? Now you re leaving? (aside; to alone) She told me, if you marry that bloody little poonce, I ll never speak to you again! Something changed. Her mind changed. Or perhaps it disappeared. She loves Andrew now, rather more than I do. Oh hoh, hoh, oh oh oh (offering her arm in an imperious way) Mother! (as if she has no choice) You see I m compelled. I ll be back tomorrow. I want you all to be here. (formally farewelling her) Madam! Ladies both! The young one ll lose her grip one of these days, and be just like her mother. Then she ll need her daughter, and her son if she s got one, to save her, won t she? Continuity s our only saviour. Memory s what we need, and I put mine down in places that I can t remember. And I pick it up for you, mother, don t I? I d be lost without you darling. None of us are ever very far from being lost. It s the way we are. (to people leaving the store with their shopping bags) We ll be open till nine o clock tonight, and the sale runs another three days. Opportunity s not lost! (to anybody and everybody) Goodbye my friends. I m going home to Sylvie s now. Andrew has the car, up here a little way. I ve enjoyed your company. Goodbye madam, I hope we ll see you again. Goodbye missus, and good luck! Happy returns! It s not my birthday, you know. Just an ordinary day, for me. 70

8 I mean you returning happily to us, one of these days. (interrupting her mother s propensity for talk) Mother! Yes, my dear. (They go off.) Lost! Her mind s lost, her life s lost. And she s still with us. Pathetic, isn t it. I m going inside. I need to see what s happening there. Menswear on the second floor. If you re shopping for your partner, you need only go as far as the first. And don t forget, books and music on the third. Wealth on offer, a treasure trove! No doubt. And will it make me any richer? (He goes into the shop.) The day s hardly started, and I feel exhausted. That s what people with Alzheimers do to us. I feel buggered. I don t want to sing. That s our job,. Sing when others feel like it, even if we don t want to. (starting to pack up) Well, for today, I m leaving it to you. I should see everything s all right inside. We ve put on a lot of inexperienced staff. I really ought to check. (He goes inside.) So it s up to me? Even if you don t feel like it. That s what you were saying. (exit) (strumming a chord) Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. It s called life renewing itself, and someone has to make it happen. (sadly) It s not easy, is it? Why does it have to be me? I can go home too! (She sees coming out again.) You didn t stay very long. It was awful. What was wrong with it? It was a shambles, and vulgar! Humanity en masse! So? What now? To be, or not to be, that is the question We ve heard all that. The whole bloody lot. Before you went in. Whether tis nobler in the mind (He stops.) (starting to pack) Forgotten your lines? It s all been said before. So? Let s go home. (one last chord) Yesterday. Today. Both Tomorrow. Home. There s nowhere else, so that s where I m going. Will you be back tomorrow? Will you? They both start to laugh, shyly at first, only giggling rather foolishly, then as their sense of the ridiculous develops, their laughter grows 71

9 louder and more inclusive, so that shoppers coming out with their bags feel that they are being laughed at as they are. Yesterday! Today! Tomorrow! And they laugh some more as they leave. 72

The To Be or Not to Be Speech HAMLET: To be, or not to be: that is the question:

The To Be or Not to Be Speech HAMLET: To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of