LATIN 4A, AP VERGIL: ESSAY #3 GRADES & REVIEWS

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1 LATIN 4A, AP VERGIL: ESSAY #3 GRADES & REVIEWS THE QUESTION The Latin text to be considered for this essay: 'dissimulare etiam sperasti, perfide, tantum 305 posse nefas tacitusque mea decedere terra? nec te noster amor nec te data dextera quondam nec moritura tenet crudeli funere Dido? quin etiam hiberno moliri sidere classem et mediis properas Aquilonibus ire per altum, 310 crudelis? quid, si non arva aliena domosque ignotas peteres, et Troia antiqua maneret, Troia per undosum peteretur classibus aequor? mene fugis? per ego has lacrimas dextramque tuam te (quando aliud mihi iam miserae nihil ipsa reliqui), 315 per conubia nostra, per inceptos hymenaeos, si bene quid de te merui, fuit aut tibi quicquam dulce meum, miserere domus labentis et istam, oro, si quis adhuc precibus locus, exue mentem. te propter Libycae gentes Nomadumque tyranni 320 odere, infensi Tyrii; te propter eundem exstinctus pudor et, qua sola sidera adibam, fama prior. cui me moribundam deseris hospes (hoc solum nomen quoniam de coniuge restat)? quid moror? an mea Pygmalion dum moenia frater 325 destruat aut captam ducat Gaetulus Iarbas? saltem si qua mihi de te suscepta fuisset ante fugam suboles, si quis mihi parvulus aula luderet Aeneas, qui te tamen ore referret, non equidem omnino capta ac deserta viderer.' 330 What does your score mean? As we continue, I will now give you more of an idea about whether or not you are hitting the target in terms of an effective AP essay. While your essay will not be your only score it will count for a massive percentage of your overall score. Looking at your score on the essay 3, here s how to understand your essay grade in terms of an AP equivalent score: AP5 = AP4 = AP 3 = AP 2 or 1 = scores 84 or below are fully narrative and literal or simply too sparse for full credit. Take 5 minutes to read the Latin and organize yourself. Take 40 minutes to write. In her speech to Aeneas in lines , Dido moves from anger to sarcasm, from reproach to desperation. Discuss the range of emotions reflected in her speech and evaluate the speech s general persuasiveness. BE SURE TO REFER SPECIFICALLY TO THE LATIN THROUGHOUT THE PASSAGE TO SUPPORT YOUR ESSAY. Do NOT simply summarize what the passage says. (When you are asked to refer specifically to the Latin, you must write out the Latin and/or cite line numbers AND you must translate, accurately paraphrase, or make clear in your discussions that you understand the Latin.) THE ESSAY CRITIQUES AND GRADES In red you ll find my comments. Please read ALL RED comments, not just your own. I often pick only one or two things to work on per essay but my comments provide suggestions that everyone can use. I ll usually not repeat a careful explanation of the trouble after I discuss it for first time on one poor soul s feedback section because otherwise I ll never finish grading these essays. If you want to make sense of your own comments read all red reviews.

2 BE CAREFUL YOU NEVER AGAIN Here are the greatest hits of things to never do again funny how these look similar to the last list: 1. Never fail to address the whole entire complete prompt in every possible sense. 2. Never fail to include Latin evidence in every paragraph except for the first (thesis/intro) and last (conclusion). 3. Never fail to use the app. What app? Find and install a spell-check app that works for you when you are online filling in a data field. This is to save yourself some terrible spelling errors during essays like this one. ESSAY NUMBERS Please refer to the original compilation for your essay number so you can find the comments and grade assigned to your piece (your essay number will be unique for each essay assigned for this course). Always save a copy of everything on your own machine at home because I don t just stockpile documents on your class pages and you ll need these things for review this May. #1 GRADE: 83+3 BONUS = 86 Uses Latin from throughout the text (beginning, middle, end): 94 Uses the Latin analytically and cites it properly: 81 Explains the author's use of the Latin convincingly: 82 Stays on task (omits irrelevant information, padding, fluff, filler): 90 Essay is organized and analytical: 82 Each example was very well argued, but the points of analysis did not vary much. Most of your points had to do with word placement, which, though it is a generally good thing to point out, it can get a bit repetitive to do so, and thus loses some of its effectiveness. Your intro and conclusion are succinct and clear. Overall, well executed and easy to read. It would be good to remember which book the passage is from, if you can. I found your topic paragraph to be lacking. It gave a description of the passage, but not of the points that you would address in your essay. I liked your analysis in the first body paragraph. I agree that placing "te" first reflects Dido s wish for their relationship to hold him back. In your third body paragraph you correctly say that "properas" is in the present tense, but you translate it as pluperfect. I am also uncertain about the conclusion that you draw from the use of the present tense for this verb. I don t see how it shows Dido as certain she can convince Aeneas to stay. Your fourth body paragraph is missing a translation, so it was a little more difficult to follow the analysis. I liked your analysis in the fifth body paragraph, especially your conclusion that Dido is more afraid of being taken against her will than what would follow. This is in line with Dido s role as a leader. I like your selection of Latin, your overall length was really good considering the time crunch, and you had some good things to say. However, most of your analysis is vague. Each of your paragraphs takes on the same form: you state the Latin, say what s happening in the Latin, and say what effect it has, but you don t say how it creates that effect. Sometimes it s obvious and you don t need to, but most of the time the connection between Vergil s use of the Latin and the effect you say it created is rather vague try to be more specific and clear about how Vergil s use creates the effect. In addition, you organized your essay around the passage rather than around two or three points about the passage in response to the prompt. The latter organization creates better flow and easier analysis. I liked the Latin that you chose to analyze. I thought those were interesting places. However, oftentimes your analysis was on the surface or didn t really seem to make sense. For example, in paragraph 6, I didn t get how having moribundam in the gerundive showed Dido s desperation as to the consequences of her actions. So it would be helpful to explain the steps between your 2

3 observation and your claim. Also, make sure that your translations match up with what you re saying. In paragraph 4, you said that properas is in the present tense, but you translated it as pluperfect tense. Overall, your claims and observations were interesting, but you need to explain the connections between them rather than just stating that they connect. I really liked your thesis and conclusion. They were to the point and consistent without fillers. I also liked your analysis of *captam Iarbus*. That was your best analysis in the essay. I feel like you could have delved more into the Latin rather than just word placement. I couldn t really understand your other analysis. I thought that this was a strong, well-written essay! I liked how the author drew meaning from word placement in the first paragraph. The author does a good job with using the Latin and giving it meaning. I would suggest that that the author find a few more examples with shorter phrases-- there are at least 3 pieces of Latin that the author used with full phrases, which can take up space and go into narration mode quickly. For example, in the second to last paragraph, the author could very well have simply used the *captam ducat* only and discarded the entire phrase *captam ducat Gaetulus Iarbas* because the second piece of analysis was much stronger than the first anyways. You made some really good points in this essay. I really liked your analysis of the word order in line 307. I would recommend some more analysis of character after each piece of Latin you brought up. You had a lot of good points about word order, but this essay could benefit from talking more about Dido s emotions and character. Your analyses on grammar and word order are certainly analytical you should definitely continue making these points! My main critique is to cut down your pieces of Latin to emphasize your points more directly. Using a few other methods of analysis would add some variety and also improve your essay. Here are the parts of the prompt that must be acknowledged in your intro: Discuss the range of emotions reflected in her speech and evaluate the speech s general persuasiveness. At no point do you address the second half of the prompt. Rule #1: actually answer the prompt. All the prompt. Word order, the focus of your second paragraph, isn t generally a strong point. I don t understand how placing te first does what you say it does. Your second point (paragraph 3) is ALSO focused on word order. Neither of these are strong points but you lead with them. Find something beside word order and you ll be better for it 98% of the time. Per altum is singular through the sea. Paragraph 4 is also about word order and you dump a bit of word order in paragraph 5 and 6 as well. You are grounded from using word order again! Word order can be used MAYBE once as a strong piece of evidence appears, but this is Latin! Word order is always going to be NOT English word order. If you are going to refer to the real line numbers as given, still include the book number so that citations look like this (4.307) instead of this (307). Do a final edit or two to catch spelling errors. Quia says you quit 7 minutes early. You really needed to use those last 7 minutes. #2 GRADE: 86 Uses Latin from throughout the text (beginning, middle, end): 89 Uses the Latin analytically and cites it properly: 86 Explains the author's use of the Latin convincingly: 87 Stays on task (omits irrelevant information, padding, fluff, filler): 83 Essay is organized and analytical: 88 I enjoyed reading this essay! I thought the author did a good job when they began with one short phrase (dissimulare etiam sperasti), and then analyzed every word. However, some parts of the analysis felt more like critiquing the phrase around the context rather than around the Latin. An analysis focusing more on the Latin came later on, with the tricolon crescens and anaphora, but I think that the author should really analyze more of the Latin, rather narration. 3

4 Great selection of Latin and great organization. I like your analysis especially when you talk about Dido talking about herself in third person. At this point, you need to focus on fine tuning your analysis and maybe adding one or two more pieces of Latin. In some spots, your analysis can be somewhat vague the connection between the cause and effect isn t always clear. Focusing on clearly showing how Vergil s use creates the effect will ensure this essay stays clearly analytical. I liked some of your analyses. For example, I thought your fourth paragraph was interesting. Some of your analyses were not as good though. For example, I didn t really get the purpose of paragraph 3 or how your evidence supported your claim. Also, I think your introduction was a bit too fluffy. I think your conclusion combined with the first sentence of your introduction would have been a better introduction (of course editing the combination of the sentences to make it not redundant). I love your latin word choice! However, make sure to check that you have cited everything properly (line 37 does not exist; did you mean 307?), and that you avoid having sentences in your body paragraphs without latin. Also, Try to start the body paragraphs with your latin and maybe a small transition, instead of a topic sentences and then moving into the latin, and make sure to talk about all the latin you mention.. Dear reviewer, Latin is a language. It should always be capitalized. I really liked your analysis of dissimulare in line 305. It was slightly hard to understand all the points you were trying to get across. I would try to be a little more concise with your points you make. One other thing I would do is be more clear in where your paragraphs begin and end, it was slightly hard to understand your train of thought as it looked like one paragraph, but that might just have been Quia s formatting. I really liked your topic paragraph. It was the right length, and it gave a good description of what your essay is about. Your analysis throughout the whole essay was excellent. You addressed word choice, word placement, rhetorical device and even articulation. Your ending paragraph also tied it together nicely. You hit the nail on the head, so to speak, with your mentions of anaphora and tricolon crescens. Besides this, however, you make points that border on the narrative; I would suggest including analysis of word order and possibly grammar. You use a lot of descriptors, which slows the reader down. Its good to use vivid language, but its also very important to make your writing concise. Parts of your analysis are well done, such as your explanation of sperasti. However, these analyses were hidden behind the flowery words you used. Your citation could use a bit of work. You don t need to say line before the line number. I really liked your analysis; it was well done. I especially liked your analysis of *nec te*. Next time fix your citation and perhaps put a space between paragraphs to differentiate. Decent intro that addresses the prompt properly. NEVER add the word LINE to citations! Please do this: (4.305) and not this: (line 305) Work on a simplicity and clarity of expression: disbelieving fixation on this heinous attempt << this doesn t really do much more to explain Vergil s use of Latin. Job #1 is focus on the Latin. Getting tangled in complicated sentences will trip your reader. I m not sure crescendoing is a word maybe just crescendo. Do a final edit or two to catch spelling errors (plus find an app). Limit your discussion of poetic devices to only the most powerful ones. IN the end, this is still too narrative and too little analytical. #3 GRADE: 93 Uses Latin from throughout the text (beginning, middle, end): 84 Uses the Latin analytically and cites it properly: 83 Explains the author's use of the Latin convincingly: 81 Stays on task (omits irrelevant information, padding, fluff, filler): 79 Essay is organized and analytical: 81 I like your overall organization and approach--combined with sharp analysis it could produce an excellent essay. However, your analysis takes on a narrative form at times, and your second to last paragraph is definitely narrative. Further, operating within a time limit is hard, but it s better to 4

5 analyze more than four specific pieces of Latin and to analyze more specific and shorter pieces than you did. I liked your topic paragraph and thought it did a good job of detailing what you will write about. Your analysis of the passage s use of repetition to display Dido s emotions was well thought-out. I really liked your points about Dido s repetition of questions and her agitation. I would try to analyze more from a microscope as it seems like you bunched together a few collections of words or sentences to discuss, which made this essay seem a bit too narrative at times. However, I do think that you had a lot of good points that would benefit from being broken into smaller chunks. I thought this was a well written essay! I thought the author did a good job combining the contextual analysis with the Latin analysis. I also liked how the author analyzed word order and sentence structure (te propter). In order to showcase how much the author knows about Latin, I think the author could improve by emphasizing more rhetorical constructs and their overall effect. In a lot of your paragraphs, I found that you had good analysis in the part of the paragraph where there was Latin cited, and narration in the part of the paragraph where there was no Latin cited. The part of the paragraph where there is no Latin cited is always really long, which makes your paragraphs really long. I think this could be fixed by limiting the part of the paragraph where no Latin is cited/where you aren t analyzing the Latin directly to one or two sentences. In general, it seems as though the Latin isn t a big part of your essay. This especially shows in your second to last paragraph, where you don t use any Latin at all. Make sure each paragraph except the introduction and the conclusion is analyzing some Latin. Lastly (this is much more minor), you spell repetition wrong in almost every instance that you use it, which was a little distracting just because you used the word so many times. Overall your paragraphs are too long. While this is an extremely good analysis of Dido s speech as a whole, it lacks a focused study of the Latin. You point out some brilliant features that could be sharpened if you honed in on the Latin one word at a time. Very well organized, but again, the paragraphs are a bit too long. You draw interesting conclusions from the latin, but you need to take shorter passages of latin and have every sentence not in your introduction or conclusion be either introducing the latin or talking about how Vergil uses it. I do not know what happened in the sixth paragraph, but not a single piece of latin is cited in it. Also, as you are going for shorter pieces of latin, shift to smaller paragraphs and more of them. Don t forget to state the book where this comes from in your first citation as well. You had some long paragraphs and you didn t mention Vergil very much. Your analysis was good, but you could have gone with less fluff and filler words. It detracted from your Latin and made your paragraphs unnecessarily long. Also, cite all of your Latin next time. Your points on the repetition of 'nec' and the positioning of related words within clauses are firmly analytical. However, the rest of your essay relies primarily on information that is not specific to the Latin. I would suggest amending this, as well as condensing your points and splitting your paragraphs into much smaller pieces. Do a final edit or two to catch spelling errors (repetition comes from re+peto (I seek again)). Good intro. Good essay length! You have fine essay muscles! Good flow of ideas. Good paragraph length and scope is generally good since longer passages cited are observations about repetitive elements. In such cases, references to longer bits are fine. Do a bit more active verbs Vergil emphasizes a tone and fewer passive verbs The tone is emphasized. #4 GRADE: 85 Uses Latin from throughout the text (beginning, middle, end): 87 Uses the Latin analytically and cites it properly: 81 Explains the author's use of the Latin convincingly: 78 Stays on task (omits irrelevant information, padding, fluff, filler): 82 Essay is organized and analytical: 80 5

6 I like you you transition between paragraphs, but remember to keep the transition short as to not take up important space in your paper. Try to avoid putting two separate pieces of latin into one paragraph, as you almost just throw *hymenaeos* in at the end of the third paragraph to add more latin into your paper. Instead, try shortening your paragraphs, i.e. spend one sentence introducing the latin, and another couple sentences analyzing how Vergil uses it, which will allow you to talk about more latin segments. I like your topic paragraph, but I wouldn t give specific examples of what you will bring up in the essay because then you would need to list up every example of what you will analyze. Your analysis throughout the essay was effective and well thought-out. However, you were a bit too heavyhanded on the rhetorical devices and didn t have enough word-analysis. I also recommend not ever using the words in conclusion or anything similar when starting a conclusion. Aside from that, your conclusion was very good. You did a nice job summarizing what you wrote. I liked most of your analyses. I especially liked the point you made about te propter. I think you could give more credit to Vergil though. You don t mention him at all and it s important to note that he is the one using all these devices (so, for example, maybe you could say Vergil uses anaphora to emphasize the importance of what Aeneas has bound himself to in paragraph 3 instead of having Dido as the subject). You also begin each paragraph with a part of a narration of the story going on in this passage, which implies that that is the main point of your paragraph, which you don t want to do. If you still want to keep the short narration at the beginning of each paragraph, you could phrase it by also mentioning the argument you re going to make about it (for example, Vergil uses anastrophe in order to emphasize how Dido tries to guilt Aeneas into staying, or something similar). I really liked the analysis of your Latin. The Latin was in small digestible parts, which made for small paragraphs and easy to understand information. You could have broken your final bit of Latin but other than that great length. Next time incorporate Vergil more into your discussion. Also, perhaps in quia you could put a space between your paragraphs to differentiate. I really liked your points about hymenaeos in line 316. I think you should put a lot more focus on the Latin instead of poetic devices. Poetic devices were your main focus in this essay, which made it seem largely narrative instead of analytical. I thought this was a really well written essay! Right from the beginning, the author shows how much they know about Latin by analyzing the Latin and the poetic devices. The author also carried the analysis further by saying why something mattered. I noticed that the author used ellpisis in their essay unnecessarily-- the author should focus on smaller portions of the Latin instead of the entire phrase. You discussed anastrophe multiple times, which didn t show that you had a vast knowledge of the Latin to draw from. Rather than pointing that particular poetic device out so many times, try to make your analysis more diverse, and cover more of the particulars of individual words, rather than citing so many large phrases. On the other hand, you captured the flow and shift of Dido s speech very well, which was a key part of the prompt. Your points on anaphora and anastrophe are certainly analytical, and I highly suggest making similar points in future essays. Your other points however are more narrative than analytical, such as your comment about sarcasm, which could be deduced entirely from the English. Additionally, it would be in your favor to compress your points into only a few sentences per paragraph, and distribute the Latin accordingly. Your selection of Latin is good and most of your analysis is good. However, your organization and the way you present your analysis makes this essay seem very narrative. You organize your essay around the passage rather than around an argument about the passage. You never mention Vergil in your essay. It s rather difficult to analyze the author s use of Latin in a passage when you never mention him. Lastly, destruat and ducat are actually future tense not present tense since they are 3rd conjugation verbs. *Reviewer, they are pres. subjunctives. Work on your essay muscles. This is a bit short. Fine intro addresses prompt well. NICE observation about anaphora in paragraph 2. Paragraph 3 go ahead and refer to Dido s call for Aeneas pietas which would have been ironic in Roman eyes since it is Aeneas pietas driving him to Italy. Only mention anastrophe if you can make a case for its HUGE importance to the meaning of the passage. You name-drop it in paragraph 4 since you don t come back to make much of it. AP Judges are allergic to this type of name-dropping. This essay is on the line between narrative and analytical. Less story background, more Latin analysis will add BANG to your essay. 6

7 You have a good selection of points here. Push hard to get even more rolled out in the time allotted. You quit this essay task 4 minutes early. You really needed to use those last 4 minutes. Never quit early. #5 GRADE: 84 Uses Latin from throughout the text (beginning, middle, end): 92 Uses the Latin analytically and cites it properly: 81 Explains the author's use of the Latin convincingly: 84 Stays on task (omits irrelevant information, padding, fluff, filler): 84 Essay is organized and analytical: 84 *sperasti* is a modified active verb form of *speravisti*, not passive. Good job incorporating Vergil into your essay. I liked that you made him an active focus of your discussion. Your analysis of *parvulus* was interesting. I never noticed that Aeneas wasn t mentioned anywhere else in the speech. Next time, perhaps be sure of your word forms before analyzing. Good choices of Latin and a good number of pieces to analyze. Much of your analysis is good especially that about Aeneas name only being mentioned once and then only to refer to a nebulous future that might have been. Your organization, however, is organized about the passage rather than about an argument about the passage, thus giving the essay a narrative tone. A few other notes: sperasti is perfect tense not passive; mene is not an emphasized form of me, but -ne is an enclitic suffix that indicates the beginning of a question. Great job with your analysis! My main recommendations are to remove any sentences that do not specifically contribute to the point you are making in each paragraph, and to make sure that you can fully discuss each part of the latin you mention (you do not talk at all about *per conubia nostra*). I enjoyed reading this essay. I especially liked how the author pointed out variances from the usual Latin, such as when Dido says mene instead of me. Other sections of the analysis could be a bit better, as some is carried out through analysis of the storyline instead of the Latin. I think the author could improve on their analysis so the AP reader isn t put on edge by any focus on narration. I noticed that your point about *sperasti* being passive was incorrect, so it is important that you fact check before you make a point. I really liked your explanation of the word order of line 319. I think a lot of this essay was narrative instead of analytical, except for your paragraph about *oro*. Try to make every paragraph as focused on the Latin as that and you will be fully analytical. In your second paragraph, I was confused. I m pretty sure that sperasti is not a passive, and even if it were, I don t get how that would imply that if Aeneas had gone back to change his plan, she would have figured it out. However, I thought the rest of your analysis was pretty good! I thought they pointed out interesting things that I probably wouldn t have thought of, going a step further into each part of the Latin. I do think that you don t want to have a paragraph with no Latin unless it s the introduction or conclusion, and your second to last paragraph has no Latin. But I think it s a perfectly good sentence to go in a conclusion, so I think you could just put that in the conclusion. You made several mistakes in your latin translation, particularly in your translation of dissimulare etiam sperasti, which wasn t quite right. Many of your points are analytical, and all of your points approach successful analysis, but a couple of them remain just under the mark. As for the points that are analytical, they are well articulated and organized. Your analysis was very good. I did notice that you say that sperasti is passive, when it is actually just an active in the perfect tense. I especially like the point you made in the second body paragraph when you said that the word nefas was chosen to take a shot at Aeneas s sense of devotion. Your points on anaphora and the religious connotations of nefas are certainly well-chosen. My main suggestion is to change from literary analysis to analysis of the Latin itself most of your points do not depend on what Vergil is saying rather than how he is saying it. It would also help to slightly 7

8 shorten some of your longer paragraphs. Other than that, you only have a few small errors (e.g. sperasti has perfect tense and active voice). Good length. Your peers already dinged you for sperasti so I won t repeat but I noticed you translate it in the active voice even as you said it was passive. Here are the parts of the prompt that must be acknowledged in your intro: Discuss the range of emotions reflected in her speech and evaluate the speech s general persuasiveness. Address the second half of the prompt. Rule #1: actually answer the prompt. All the prompt. Refer to Vergil making all this magic happen. Don t get passive to take him out of the equation like you do here: passive included with *etiam* is meant to convey Dido's anger. What starts to separate your essay from a narrative piece is the realization that a poet is responsible for every letter, word, and line. Be clear you express this in your AP Essay. Nefas CAN be translated sin in a later Latin Christian context. Really be sure to use wrong or violation of divine law because there aren t really sins in this religious context, per se. You mention anaphora and cite lines Build a little more of the parts of anaphora into the discussion in that paragraph. Make MUCH of poetic devices or do not mention them at all. Do you really believe mene fugis is sarcastic? She s really truly heartbroken and this last statement is huge in proving the depth of her feelings of rejection and abandonment. How does per indicate desperation? There s nothing at all unusual about the me in mene fugis. She is asking a question with -ne. I really like your passage on oro. Good work there. Connect the dots: why is an argument from emotion more (or less) effective than an argument from logic? For whom was this passage written? #6 GRADE: 85 Uses Latin from throughout the text (beginning, middle, end): 87 Uses the Latin analytically and cites it properly: 80 Explains the author's use of the Latin convincingly: 78 Stays on task (omits irrelevant information, padding, fluff, filler): 84 Essay is organized and analytical: 81 I like how the sentences are not jagged, but flow well together! However, most of what you say here is a recap of what happens in the story. Remember, we are trying to show how the author uses each word. Also, make sure to translate the latin you are using correctly, so that the judges know you know what you are talking about. I really enjoyed your view on *nec...nec...nec*. I think you had a lot of good things to say about subjunctives and their effect in this passage. I do think that this essay could benefit on some more analysis of the Latin you cited other than just its tense, like its word order etc. I thought the author did a nice job with this essay; the author did a good job combining both contextual analysis and analysis of the Latin without focusing too much on the narration and context. The author did a good job with talking about tenses and their impact on the Latin. I think a little bit more organization would have made the essay easier to follow and understand. I thought your overall analysis was good. Your Latin, however, was not properly formatted, but this was a timed essay, so it is understandable to make a few errors like that. I especially liked your analysis of the hypothetical statements. You made good points about how they connected to Dido s emotional state. Interesting analysis with the imagery the repetition of nec suggests. I agree, Dido s speech is very heavy with emotion. You organize your essay around the passage. Try making an outline and organizing your essay around an argument about the passage: it makes the analysis flow better and creates an analytical tone versus the narrative tone of passage-centered organization. You did not have Vergil anywhere here, which detracted from your essay. You did a good job describing constructions and word forms, and that discussion could have been enhanced with 8

9 incorporating Vergil into it. I liked your discussion on the subjunctive, though. I thought that insight really added to your discussion. You have a lot of typos and spelling errors in your essay. I know that there was a time limit, but I think that in the actual essay on the AP, you should still go back and proofread your essay at the end. I thought that your analysis of per per was interesting, but in a lot of other cases, I found that either your analysis was somewhere in between narrative and analytical, or there were leaps of logic. I also think it might have been better to look at some additional choices that Vergil made in the text, because you really only looked at three different kinds. Also, you should give agency to Vergil when writing the essay; for example, you should say that Vergil uses anaphora, not Dido uses anaphora. You make good points on Dido s use of anaphora and the subjunctive, as well as her method of guilting Aeneas into staying. My main criticism is that you fail to analyze the second half of the speech in the same detail as the first, and you do not seem to integrate the second half in the conclusion. Additionally, it might help clarify your essay if you are more specific in your introduction (e.g. "Dido displays anger and desperation"). Your argument concerning verb tense in the 4th and 5th paragraphs of your essay is interesting. If you had more time, it could use a little more clarification its a little clunky, but otherwise a good point. Your conclusion would benefit from a clearer thesis, like the one in your introduction, which is good. Do a final edit or two to catch spelling errors plus also get an app for your device for help. Here are the parts of the prompt that must be acknowledged in your intro: Discuss the range of emotions reflected in her speech and evaluate the speech s general persuasiveness. Address the second half of the prompt. Rule #1: actually answer the prompt. All the prompt. It + is = it s (while a thing belonging to it = its ). Good conclusion. Build out your points just a bit more to tie it all together. #7 GRADE: 88 Uses Latin from throughout the text (beginning, middle, end): 96 Uses the Latin analytically and cites it properly: 89 Explains the author's use of the Latin convincingly: 89 Stays on task (omits irrelevant information, padding, fluff, filler): 86 Essay is organized and analytical: 90 Great job getting many pieces of latin in your essay! In paragraph 6, however, you neglect to cite the latin, and in paragraph 7, you mention of *oro* without ever analyzing it beyond that one sentence. Make sure to fully develop all of your latin analysis. Remember, you need to talk about how a latin word is picked/placed/used by Vergil, not how phrases are used. Great selection of Latin and really good analysis. The only thing you could work on is your organization and approach. Organizing the essay based on an argument about the passage rather than just the passage itself makes the essay even more analytical. I really liked how you clearly showed Dido s shift in emotions and where that physically happened in the passage. I do think that you should add a bit of analysis after each bit of latin you present because at times this essay did feel narrative. I think that overall, your analyses are good. I especially liked your analysis of mene fugis. Sometimes there were unnecessary parts of your analysis though. For example, in your fourth paragraph, I didn t get why saying that quin and etiam meant roughly the same thing added to your analysis. This extends to outside the analysis, too (for example, putting although nothing can prevent loyal Aeneas from her (you meant his, right) duty to fate went sort of off topic and was a less satisfying conclusion than if you had ended the conclusion before this clause). In general, I think the main thing to improve in this essay is to make sure everything you put into the essay is necessary. But otherwise, I thought this was a good essay! My hat is off to you. I honestly can t find much wrong with this essay. Your paragraph lengths are good, your analysis makes sense, and your thesis and conclusion do a good job summarizing your 9

10 essay. The one thing I noticed was incorrect citation for your discussion on the anaphora of *per*, but other than that I m seriously impressed. Nice job. You effectively addressed and analyzes all of Dido s emotions in the passage. Your point that she feels powerless by bringing up other people who will take charge of her future was very good. Very nice intro, I like how concise it is. You cover a lot of Latin here, which is a good thing in analytical essays. However, the way that you deal with some of the latin selections is at times more of a translation than an analysis, particularly in the second paragraph. You painted a thorough broad picture of her speech, but in the process some of the details were lost. You use strong analysis, particularly in your examination of Vergil s use of passive voice. A few of your paragraphs, though, are too long. It would help you greatly to break these up into smaller pieces, since each of these longer paragraphs contains multiple points on several pieces of Latin. Nice brief intro. Also give me a single sentence to set the scene and thereby prove you know where this passage sits in our epic. Perfide is a nod to Catullus. Not so much traitor but take your pick from: faithless, treacherous, false, deceitful. Perfide and nefas are BIG words here. Do even more with your analysis of them. Probably they are entitled to their own paragraphs. Avoid the sequential filler words (moving forward, next, after, further, soon enough). Transitions can feel clunky in formal writing, but padding is worse. Imploration? How does the letter q = sarcasm? Explain how Dido is expressing derision more clearly. Pleas not pleads. AVOID piling up Latin/analysis in a single paragraph! There s much more to say about each bit of Latin in your 7 th paragraph but you stack up Latin and make nothing of the results but a slowmotion translation. In fact, starting in paragraph 7 the rest of the essay is narrative rather than analytical. Quia says you had 15 minutes left when you quit working on this essay. Always take ALL the time allotted. #8 GRADE: 89 Uses Latin from throughout the text (beginning, middle, end): 91 Uses the Latin analytically and cites it properly: 84 Explains the author's use of the Latin convincingly: 88 Stays on task (omits irrelevant information, padding, fluff, filler): 84 Essay is organized and analytical: 86 I found your comparison of Aeneas and Iarbas in the last paragraph very interesting. You had a lot of good points, but I think that this essay would benefit from choosing smaller chunks of Latin to work with. -Good comprehensive intro. It included everything from the prompt in a well organized and compact set up. -Interesting analysis on the subjunctive, peteretur. It pulled the meaning underneath the face value of the verb out. -I like your structure where you outline your essay along with Vergil's structure of time. It connects your essay even more to the latin passage. -I thought the ending sentence in your third point (Dido is...aeneas) was a little too drawn out and unnecessary, and could've been shortened into a more compact sentence. -Good analysis about the connection between "capta" and "captam"! It brings the attention to the passage in it's entirety while still focusing on specifics. Great introduction. Maybe in the second paragraph say that sperasti was perfect, to enforce your point that it was what Aeneas has done. You say questions plural, I only see one. In the third paragraph I don t see where you go your conclusions from your points. How does the word being subjunctive show her doubt, how does it being passive imply that it would be done by anyone. I like how you in your second to fourth paragraphs showed the past present and future. While you do 10

11 offer line numbers in the fifth paragraph, it is still not properly cited. The same thing in the sixth paragraph. I was a bit confused in your body where it tied in with what you said in the introduction, but the conclusion tied it together nicely. I like your choice of latin words for analysis! There is a lot of words and sentences here that add nothing to your points, and should be removed. Also, towards the end you change how you are citing the latin to a different form that is not correct, where you add a preposition in saying where the latin comes from instead of citing it directly. Also, even with all the latin in here, there are only 5 different pieces of latin mentioned. Try going for shorter paragraphs, but more of them. I love how you incorporated Vergil into your discussion. You did a good job balancing story elements and Vergil s decisions for word placement and word choice. Next time, you could cut the fluff/filler words and maybe make sure your citations are correct. Other than that this was a very well assembled and organized essay. I loved your analysis in the second to last paragraph. It was such an interesting connection that I never would have noticed and it just really stood out to me. Otherwise, I think you focused a lot on tense, and since you focus so much on that, it would have been good to add more pieces of Latin so that you get some other ways of analyzing. Also make sure you spell Aeneas right: I think that s one of the more important things to make sure of in terms of spelling, since it s the main character s name (you spelled it right all times except 1 and so I m guessing it was a typo, which wouldn t happen when writing the essay on paper, but I thought it was a good thing to point out in case). I thought the author did a nice job on this essay! The author did a good job avoiding only using context and narration to analyze a passage. I would like to see more focus on the Latin words instead of full phrases-- the author frequently brings out the important words of the mentioned phrases so getting rid of the entire phrases altogether would help with the clutter and speed in writing during the actual exam. I thought your intro was great - very concise and to the point. Your Latin analysis was also so, so good here; I especially loved the last paragraph where you show how Vergil draws a parallel between Aeneas and Iarbas, and I also loved how you analyzed the mood of peteretur. One thing to note though: I m not sure how important this is, but beyond Dido s range of emotions, the prompt did also ask you to evaluate the speech s persuasiveness. Even though you make a lot of great arguments in this essay, I didn t see one pertaining to persuasiveness. Make sure to address the prompt in its entirety. Interesting essay! I especially liked your point about the anastrophe of te propter and what it implies. Excellent observation! I think that the organization of your essay could be improved. I liked your scheme of showing the shift from anger to desperation, but I feel like it could have been cemented. Also, one small criticism is to avoid phrases like "in conclusion." Also, your citations were inconsistent throughout your essay- in the second half you shifted to using phrases like "in line " instead of the standard parenthetical citations. I would be careful with this. The conclusions you present seem only to be based on verb tense and voice. Some more varied usage of the Latin would be nice. Also, you present some tenuous connections; for instance, why does the future tense express desperation? Despite this, your essay is connected and flows logically. You make intriguing points about Vergil s use of tense and re-use of captus. I suggest widening your scope of language analysis more, particularly in identifying poetic devices for instance, the anaphora and anastrophe on te propter and elaborating more on word choice. Furthermore, it would help clarify your points if you cut down the Latin you mention before analyzing specific words. Do a final edit or two to catch spelling errors (repetition comes from re+peto (I seek again)). Here are the parts of the prompt that must be acknowledged in your intro: Discuss the range of emotions reflected in her speech and evaluate the speech s general persuasiveness. Address the second half of the prompt. Rule #1: actually answer the prompt. All the prompt. Half an answer usually means half the points on exam day. Destruat and ducat are present subjunctives. 11

12 #9 GRADE: 86 Uses Latin from throughout the text (beginning, middle, end): 92 Uses the Latin analytically and cites it properly: 84 Explains the author's use of the Latin convincingly: 80 Stays on task (omits irrelevant information, padding, fluff, filler): 80 Essay is organized and analytical: 80 -Your analyses were good, but they were lost in the narrative style of your essay. The analyses were very drawn out at some points where it became hard to follow what you were trying to get across from the latin instead of the story. -I did like your comment on the rhetorical question at the beginning of the essay. It was a unique look at it. Excellent intro and conclusion! I did like some of the arguments, but others were less than convincing. I liked your selection of Latin. It was mostly evenly picked from throughout the passage. I also liked most of your analyses, but I think that you put too much narration in the middle of them. For example, in your sixth paragraph, you make a good point about the word parvulus, but follow it up with saying that Dido has scolded and pleaded with Aeneas, but to no avail, which I feel is unnecessary and detracts from the point you were making with your analysis in that paragraph in the first place. I also think your conclusion could have been more summing up how your analysis worked in order to support your thesis rather than detailing all of Dido s emotions. I think that something that might fix this is using Vergil as the agent, rather than Dido. Then in your conclusion you could use your analysis, saying Vergil uses X to show Y in this essay, rather than Dido does Y. I really liked your analysis of *mene* and its placement. Your train of thought was slightly hard to understand and it was a little hard to follow this essay. It would be really good to only speak about the Latin, and provide some more analysis. I thought that the length of your intro was great, but make sure it addresses specific aspects of your argument rather than an overview of the plot in this particular passage. You discuss word order quite a bit, so maybe that could be something you bring to the forefront by addressing it in your thesis/intro. I really liked your analysis of the Latin overall, but there were a few places that I found a little confusing. It is still unclear to me, for example, how exactly the position of mene implies that Aeneas leaving is Dido s deepest concern. I can kind of see where you going, but I think it could really be clarified with more specific analysis. I thought that this essay was good-- the author pulled a lot of meaning from each phrase. Though the author used a little bit of context, it didn t overpower the rest of the essay. If the author could connect rhetorical devices to some of the analysis (repetition with anaphora, for example), then it could show more mastery. Interesting essay! I liked your analysis of dissimulare etiam sperasti. I think your paragraph on this phrase was the most concise and compelling in your essay. I think that your essay could have benefitted with a more elegant organization. Right now, unless I'm missing something, it feels like you were just going through the passage listing your observations. Also, I felt that your conclusion was a little on the flowery, superfluous side. It was elegant, but I'm not sure that it really fits what these type of essays are looking for. I really liked the core of what you were saying, though. Introduction is a tiny bit big, but besides that it is nice. The paragraphs are a bit big. You make strong points, just make sure to split them up into smaller sections. You could have incorporated Vergil into your discussion more. Your first paragraph of analysis was the best in this essay, considering you focused more in Vergil s decisions rather than Dido s. You had some good examples of Latin here, which could have been more enhanced by incorporation of the author. Your points on word ordering particularly, how Dido places words of particular importance at the beginning of her sentences are quite perceptive. It would certainly help your paper to cut down the "fluff" in your paragraphs. (For instance your conclusion would work well in a different essay but not to conclude language analysis.) Additionally some of your points need more clarification to the reader. For instance you state that Dido presents her case in a logical fashion, but you state at other points that Dido is very emotional. 12

13 Here are the parts of the prompt that must be acknowledged in your intro: Discuss the range of emotions reflected in her speech and evaluate the speech s general persuasiveness. Address the second half of the prompt. Rule #1: actually answer the prompt. All the prompt. Good length. PLEASE leave a space between the last word and the parenthesis of the citation. Don t do this: pleas of love and promises( ). DO this: please of love and promises ( ) SO MANY missing spaces here! These paragraphs are long! Why stock-pile discussion points in a single paragraph! Your conclusion is odd. It doesn t fit your essay. #10 GRADE: 80 Uses Latin from throughout the text (beginning, middle, end): 89 Uses the Latin analytically and cites it properly: 86 Explains the author's use of the Latin convincingly: 81 Stays on task (omits irrelevant information, padding, fluff, filler): 88 Essay is organized and analytical: 83 I really liked your analysis! I thought it was nice and concise. I know that the time constraint is difficult, but this essay is a little short - I think it could be a lot stronger with a bit more evidence and analysis, so it may be better to shoot for something longer next time. Relatedly, I didn t see the entire prompt addressed here. Along with a discussion of Dido s emotions, the prompt also asks for an evaluation of the persuasiveness of her speech, so be sure to address the whole prompt. -You had really good analyses, but your explanations were a little confusing and I had to read through it a couple times to really understand what you were saying. -Good structure to your essay! All you really need to do with that is start adding more content. -The best analysis was about *moritura*. It was written clearly and had a good tone of assertiveness. I like how you keep your paragraphs short! However, I do not think that topic sentences for each paragraph are necessary. Instead, try putting the latin into the first sentence with a transition, and then discuss it from there. In this way, many of the sentences after you introduce the latin should probably cite the specific words you refer to so that the reader knows exactly what you mean. I liked how this essay was short, sweet, and to the point. I do think that some more comments after the Latin would help, because you seemed a little narrative at times. Interesting essay. I liked how you tried to structure your essay around emotional states that Dido experiences, rather than just listing your thoughts. One major flaw of your essay is that it is quite short, and therefore I don't think that you are able to cover the depth and ground that is necessary. I also struggled a lot with the time constraints, and I'm sure we'll all improve with this throughout the year! For me, as a reader, I think that your strongest point was about the accusatory tone which perfide suggests. I think that your weakest point was the one about Aeneas in the second to last paragraph. I also suggest that you avoid the word "kid" in formal essay writing. It sounds sloppier and more informal than, say, "child." It s a bit short, but besides that it is fine. The all caps WILL is unnecessary. I like how you keep your paragraphs small, but still add multiple uses of Latin in them. The arguments you raise are powerful ones, and they work together very well, but there's no flesh to the bare-bones skeleton you've provided. Ideally, you should be making more points, citing more Latin, and putting more clarification into the points you're already raising. The essay does well in getting straight to the analysis of the Latin, without dwelling too much on the context of the narrative. In the future, I would suggest that the author vary their analysis a little so it doesn t feel repetitive. In addition, the author could follow through with their Latin analysis and show the why as well as the how. This essay appears very short, but it actually has a lot of content, which is good. Since your essay was so short, you could have incorporated more pieces of Latin to add even more content. I thought your analyses were interesting. Make sure that you address the full prompt in your introduction, though. You don t say anything about the persuasiveness of the speech in the introduction, which 13