Hamlet and Zombies!!! or Something s rotting in the State of Denmark

Transcription

1 Hamlet and Zombies!!! or Something s rotting in the State of Denmark by William Shakespeare and Will Averill Dramatis Personae CLAUDIUS, King of Denmark GERTRUDE, Queen of Denmark, mother of Hamlet ZOMBIE KING Hamlet's Father HAMLET, son to the late King, and nephew to [Claudius] the present King. OPHELIA, daughter of Polonius HORATIO, friend of Hamlet POLONIUS, Lord Chamberlain, advisor to Claudius LAERTES, son of Polonius VOLTIMAND, courtier ROSENCRANTZ, courtier GUILDENSTERN, courtier MARCELLUS, an officer BERNARDO, an officer FRANCISCO, a soldier REYNALDO, servant to Polonius FORTINBRAS, Prince of Norway SENTINAL #1, a guard Players Two Gravediggers A Norwegian Captain. English Ambassadors Lords, Ladies, Officers, Soldiers, Sailors, Messengers, Attendants, Zombies

2 Act I Scene I BERNARDO: Who's there? [Elsinore. A platform before the Castle.] FRANCISCO: Stand and unfold yourself! Enter Bernardo and Francisco on the platform, and Sentinel #1 on the ground. BERNARDO: 'tis now struck twelve. Get thee to bed, Francisco. FRANCISCO: For this relief much thanks. 'tis bitter cold, And I am sick at heart. (FRANCISCO points to Sentinel #1) And he s freezing. SENTINAL #1 Brrrrr! BERNARDO: Have you had quiet guard? FRANCISCO: Not a mouse stirring. BERNARDO: Well, good night. If you do meet Horatio and Marcellus, bid them make haste. Stand, ho! Who is there? (Exit Francisco.) (Enter Horatio and Marcellus.) Friends to this ground. MARCELLUS: And liegemen to the Dane. BERNARDO: Welcome, Horatio. Welcome, good Marcellus. MARCELLUS: Horatio says 'tis but our fantasy, (Sounds of Francisco screaming. He starts to run onstage, but trips, and is dragged off by some evil unseen. The Sentinel looks terrified.)

3 And will not let belief take hold of him Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us. But I know what I saw, and it was undead! Tush, tush, 'twill not appear. BERNARDO: Last night of all, Over there, right that s when we saw-- MARCELLUS: Peace! break thee off! Look where it comes again! BERNARDO: In the same form, alike our old dead King. (Enter the Zombie King.) MARCELLUS: It is offended. (Zombie King gets upset, starts to go for Sentinel #1) SENTINAL #1 Yipes! Stay! speak, speak! I charge thee, speak! MARCELLUS: 'tis gone, and will not answer. (Exit the Zombie King, chasing Sentinel #1) (Sentinel #1 screams!) Before my God, I might not this believe Without the sensible and true avouch Of mine own eyes. That s a zombie! MARCELLUS: Is it not like the King? As thou art to thyself. But much more undead. MARCELLUS: Thus twice before, hath he gone by our watch, And totally eaten three of our best guards. This bodes some strange eruption to our state.

4 MARSCELLUS: Moreso than young Fortinbras of Norway, Who gathers in the skirts of Norway troops, For what dread purpose, we know not thereof, Which is why we must always keep the watch. BERNARDO: So like the King that Zombie was in gait, Perhaps he s trying to tell us something. (Enter Zombie King again.) ZOMBIE Brains!!!!! Stop it, Marcellus! (ZOMBIE KING stalks Marcellus) (Marcellus attempts to strike the Zombie, who just comes after him. Marcellus turns and runs, but the Zombie grabs him and bites him. He runs off, yelping.) BERNARDO: It was about to speak, before it attacked. And then it started, like a guilty thing And bit Marcellus. Unlucky. Let us impart what we have seen tonight Unto young Hamlet. BERNARDO: Let's do't, I pray: and I this morning know Where we shall find him most conveniently. (Exeunt)

5 Scene II [A room of state in the Castle.] Flourish. Enter Claudius, King of Denmark, Gertrude the Queen, [Hamlet, Polonius, his son Laertes [his sister Ophelia], Voltimand, Cornelius, Lords Attendant.] Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death The memory be green, yet so far hath discretion fought with nature That we with wisest sorrow think on him Together with remembrance of ourselves. Therefore our sometime sister, now our queen, Have we, with mirth in funeral, and with dirge in marriage, taken to wife. Now follows, that you know, young Fortinbras,of Norway Holding a weak supposal of our worth, Hath not fail'd to pester us with message, Importing the surrender of those lands Lost by his father. You, good and gentle Voltimand, Will act as my emissaries to Norway. Tell them it s our land, and they ain t gettin it back. Farewell, and let your haste commend your duty. VOLTIMAND: In that and all things will I show my duty. We doubt it nothing. Heartily farewell. And now, Laertes, what's the news with you? Dread my lord, Your leave and favour to return to France. (Exit Voltimand) Have you your father's leave? What says Polonius? He hath, my lord, wrung from me my slow leave I do beseech you, give him leave to go. Take thy fair hour, Laertes. Time be thine, And thy best graces spend it at thy will! But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son,

6 A little more than kin, and less than kind! Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted color off, Thou know'st 'tis common. All that lives must die, Passing through nature to eternity. Ay, madam, it is common. 'tis sweet and commendable in your nature, Hamlet, To give these mourning duties to your father; But you must know, your father lost a father; That father lost, lost his. Let not thy mother lose her prayers, Hamlet. I pray thee, stay with us, go not to Wittenberg. I shall in all my best obey you, madam. Why, 'tis a loving and a fair reply. Be as ourself in Denmark. Madam, come. O, that this too too sullied flesh would melt, Thaw and resolve itself into a dew, Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd His canon 'gainst self-slaughter! O God! God! My father's brother, Within a month, My mother married, Too soon! O God! That shit is way too soon! It is not, nor it cannot come to, good. But break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue! Hail to your lordship! I am glad to see you well. Horatio or I do forget myself? (Flourish. Exeunt all but Hamlet) (Enter Horatio, Marcellus (slightly zombified), and Bernardo) The same, my lord, and your poor servant ever. And dare I say that joke never gets old.

7 Sir, my good friend; I'll change that name with you. Marcellus? You do not look so well. MARCELLUS: Uuuuuhhhhh I am very glad to see you. [To Bernardo] Good even, sir. But what, in faith, make you from Wittenberg? My lord, I came to see your father's funeral. I think it was to see my mother's wedding. Indeed, my lord, it followed hard upon. Thrift, thrift, Horatio. The funeral baked meats Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. See what I did there? Pretty good, I think, My father methinks I see my father. (ALL but Hamlet look around, panicked) O, where, my lord? In my mind's eye, Horatio. My lord, I think I saw him yesternight. Saw? Who? My lord, the King your father. The King my father? Two nights together had this gentleman Been thus encountered. A figure like your father, Appears before them, Thrice he walk'd, Sort of wobbling and groaning a lot. Did you not speak to it? My lord, I did; (They all visibly relax)

8 But it answered only groans, ate a guard And vanish'd from our sight. 'tis very strange. And saw you not his face? Ay, very pale. And somewhat blood-spattered. I will watch tonight. Perchance 'twill walk again. I warrant it will. If it assume my noble father's person, I'll speak to it, so, fare you well. Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve, I'll visit you. BERNARDO: Our duty to your honour. Oh, and take him to a Doctor. He s sick. MARSCELLUS: Uuuuhhhhhh... My father's spirit in arms! All is not well. Eating guards is not usually dad s style, I shall visit and find the truth of this, Till then sit still, my soul. Foul deeds will rise, Though all the earth o'erwhelm them, to men's eyes. (Exeunt all but Hamlet, Marcellus last and groaning) Exit.

9 Scene III [A room in the house of Polonius.] My necessaries are embark'd. Farewell. And, sister, let me hear from you. Do you doubt that? For Hamlet, and the trifling of his favours, Hold it a fashion, and a toy in blood. I shall the effect of this good lesson keep As watchman to my heart. Enter Laertes, and Ophelia, his sister. (Enter Polonius) I stay too long. But here my father comes. Yet here, Laertes? Aboard, aboard, for shame! Let me just give you some advice, my son. Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend. This above all: to thine own self be true, Oh, and watch out for Hamlet, he s weird. Thank you, father. Farewell, Ophelia, and remember well What I have said to you. What is between you? Give me up the truth. (Exit Laertes) Hamlet hath, my lord, of late made many tenders Of his affection to me. Affection? Pooh! You speak like a green girl! He hath given countenance to his speech, my lord. With almost all the holy vows of heaven.

10 Do not believe his vows! For I believe him strange, and pervy. I shall obey, my lord. MARSCELLUS: Uuuuuhhhh----uhhhhh!!! (While exiting) What do you want?!? MARSCELLUS: (Exeunt Polonius,Ophelia crosses her arms, enraged. Marcellus enters, fully zombified) (Ophelia slams past him.) (She leaves, ignoring him.) Brains!!! (He stalks after. Creepy music.)

11 Scene IV [Elsinore. The platform before the Castle.] The air bites shrewdly; it is very cold. Almost suspiciously so, don t you think? It is a nipping and an eager air. Speaking of nipping and eager, Hamlet, Look, my lord, it comes! King, father, royal Dane. O, answer me! Tell me why thy canonized bones, Have burst their cerements, and why you look so bad? It beckons you to go away with it. BERNARDO: Please, do not go with it! It s creepy! Enter Hamlet, Horatio, and Bernardo. (Enter ZOMBIE KING) (ZOMBIE KING beckons Hamlet) It will not speak; then will I follow it. (BERNARDO grabs HAMLET) BERNARDO: You shall not go, my lord. (Zombie King beckons) Still am I call'd. Unhand me, gentlemen. I say, away! Go on. I'll follow thee. (Exit Zombie King and Hamlet) BERNARDO: Did you get a whiff of our former King? Something is rotting in the state of Denmark. Let s follow him. (Exeunt)

12 Scene V [The Castle. Another part of the fortifications.] Whither wilt thou lead me? Speak! I'll go no further. ZOMBIE Uuuhhhh!!! What! You re my zombie father, Doom'd for a certain term to walk the night, And eat people, making them undead? Oh No! (Enter Zombie King, and Hamlet. The Zombie King is clearly torn here, between eating Hamlet and telling him something) (ZOMBIE King points to Hamlet and then to himself) (Zombie King points to the castle, and makes a throat cutting motion) Revenge for a foul and most unnatural murder? Whose? Yours? ZOMBIE Uuuhhhhnnnn--kkkllllll!!! (Zombie King motions to the castle again, then mimes putting a crown on his head) Mine own Uncle? He hath killed you? The better to marry my mother, and take the crown. (Zombie nods) But how? Speak, oh unnatural zombie dad! ZOMBIE Uuuuhhhhhnnnn-kkklllll!!! O, horrible! O, horrible! most horrible! He hath put some unnatural poison, Through your ear, into your (Zombie mimes taking out a vial of potion, pouring it in his ear, and dying a horrible death)

13 ZOMBIE Brains!!! (Zombie King nods excitedly. Points to his brains) (During this speech, the Zombie King twitches, losing the last of his humanity, and becoming full on evil. He looks at Hamlet in hunger. Zombie Marcellus, and Zombie Sentinel enter from Stage Right. Hamlet is oblivious to the coming danger) If this is true, I shall have my revenge, O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain! He will pay, I have sworn't. (Enter Horatio and Bernardo. They group around Hamlet. The Zombies shuffle towards them slowly) My lord, my lord! Here now stand more Zombies! MARCELLUS: Lord Hamlet! This doesn t look good at all. As you are friends, scholars, and soldiers, Give me one poor request. Never make known what you have seen to-night. HORATIO AND BERNARDO: My lord, we will not. Now can we please go from this evil place? O day and night, but this is wondrous strange! There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. But come! These Zombies won t quit. (Hamlet and friends shuffle back from the zombies, avoiding a confrontation) (Zombie Sentinel takes a swipe at Horatio, who ducks and weaves during the next line) (Hamlet and crew make a quick exit. Zombies groan, and continue to shuffle) ZOMBIE Brains!!! (Exeunt)

14 Scene VI [Elsinore. A room in the house of Polonius.] Enter old Polonius with Ophelia. Give Laertes money and these notes, Reynaldo. REYNALDO: I will, my lord. I wish to know how he comports in France Good Reynaldo,inquire of his behaviour. REYNALDO: I shall, my lord. Farewell! How now, Ophelia, what's the matter? (Reynaldo bows and starts to exit Stage Right. Enter Ophelia Stage Left) O, my lord, my lord, I have been so affrighted! With what, i' the name of God? (Reynaldo turns to listen to this speech, just at the edge of the stage) My lord, as I was sewing in my closet, Lord Hamlet, with his doublet all unbraced, No hat upon his head, his stockings fouled, As if he had been loosed out of hell To speak of horrors, he comes before me. (A zombie hand reaches out, covering Reynaldo s mouth. He tries to scream but can t) Mad for thy love? My lord, I do not know, But truly I do fear it. What said he? (Zombie Marcellus leans out and bites Reynaldo, then pulls him offstage)

15 He took me by the wrist and held me hard; He raised a sigh, piteous and profound, Then he looked around, Said something about zombies, and ran off. What, have you given him any hard words of late? No, my good lord; but, as you did command, I did repel his letters and denied His access to me. That hath made him mad. Come, go we to the King. This must be known; which, being kept close, might move More grief to hide than hate to utter love. ZOMBIE REYNALDO: Brains!!!! (Ophelia and Polonius Exeunt. Zombie Reynaldo shuffles across stage)

16 Scene VII [Elsinore. A room in the Castle.] [Flourish. Enter King, Queen, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, and attendants.] Welcome, dear Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. You have arrived none too soon, For you see, something is up with Hamlet, He cannot overcome his father s death. Good gentlemen, he hath much talk'd of you. We entreat you both to stay a little while; To draw him on to pleasures, and to gather Information on his current mental state. ROSENCRANTZ: Both your Majesties Might, by the sovereign power you have of us, Put your dread pleasures more into command Than to entreaty. GUILDENSTERN: But we both obey, And here give up ourselves, To be commanded. Thanks, Rosencrantz and gentle Guildenstern. GUILDENSTERN: Heavens make our presence and our practices Pleasant and helpful to him! Ay, amen! (Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) The ambassadors from Norway, my good lord, Are joyfully return'd. Thou still hast been the father of good news. Lord, I do think that I have found The very cause of Hamlet's lunacy. (Enter Polonius)

17 O, speak of that! That do I long to hear. Give first admittance to the ambassadors. My news shall be the fruit to that great feast. Thyself do grace to them, and bring them in. (Exit Polonius) He tells me, my dear Gertrude, he hath found The head and source of all your son's distemper. I doubt it is no other but the main, His father's death and our o'erhasty marriage. (Enter Polonius, Voltimand, and Ambassadors) Welcome, my good friends. Say, Voltimand, what from our brother Norway? VOLTIMAND: Good news, my lord. Fortinbras makes vow before his uncle never more To take up any arms against your Majesty. Great News. We thank you for your well-took labour. Go to your rest; at night we'll feast together. Most welcome home! VOLITMAND: My Lord, I saw something, something fearsome, On the road. Don t worry about that. VOLITMAND: It was scary, and shouty and cried Brains. Probably something you ate, Voltimand. Go. (Exeunt Ambassadors) This business is well ended. My liege, and madam, I will be brief. Your noble son is mad with love. I have a daughter Who in her duty and obedience, mark, Hath given me this. Now gather, and surmise.

18 [The Letter.] To the celestial, and my soul's idol, the most beautified Ophelia Came this from Hamlet to her? Good madam, stay awhile. I will be faithful. [Reads.] Letter. O dear Ophelia, I love thee best, O most best, believe it. Adieu. Thine evermore, most dear lady, Hamlet. This, in obedience, hath my daughter shown me. But how hath she Receiv'd his love? Of course, I told her she was not to see him. And he, repelled, Fell into a sadness, then into a fast, Then into the madness wherein now he raves. This may well be true, though I need more proof. How may we try it further? You know, sometimes he walks four hours together Here in the lobby. So he does indeed. At such a time I'll loose my daughter to him. Be you and I behind a curtain then; Mark the encounter. We will try it. (Enter Hamlet, reading on a book. He is sweating, terrified, panicked, a mess) But look where sadly the poor wretch comes reading. He does always look so distracted. Away, I do beseech you both, away. How does my good Lord Hamlet? (Exeunt King and Queen) Well, what the--! Don t scare me like that!

19 What do you read, my lord? Words, words, words. I think I need a shotgun. What is the matter, my lord? Between who? I mean, the matter that you read, my lord. An important text on zombie slaying, Which I intend to use soon and often. Though this be madness, yet there is a method in't. Will you walk out of the air, my lord? To my grave? People are dying out there! I will most humbly take my leave of you. You cannot, sir, take from me anything that I will more willingly part withal except my life, except my life, except my life. (Hamlet looks up menacingly) Nobody gets that. Fare you well, my lord. That tedious old fool! Zombie fodder! You seek the Lord Hamlet. There he is. Weirdo. (Enter Guildenstern and Rosencrantz) ROSENCRANTZ: God save you, sir! GUILDENSTERN: My honoured lord! (Exit Polonius.)

20 ROSENCRANTZ: My most dear lord! My excellent good friends! How dost thou, Guildenstern? Ah, Rosencrantz! Good lads, how do ye both? ROSENCRANTZ: As the indifferent children of the earth. GUILDENSTERN: Happy, in that we are not over-happy. What have you, my good friends, deserved at the hands of Fortune that she sends you to prison hither? GUILDENSTERN: Prison, my lord? Denmark's a prison. ROSENCRANTZ: Then is the world one. A goodly one; in which there are many confines, wards, and dungeons, Denmark being one o' the worst. For we have zombies here now, you know. ROSENCRANTZ: We think not so, my lord. (Darkly) You will learn. Oh yes. They come, and you ll learn. (Slightly brighter) Shall we to the court? For, by my fay, I cannot reason. ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN: We'll wait upon you. Were you not sent for? Is it your own inclining? Is it a free visitation? Come, deal justly with me. GUILDENSTERN: What should we say, my lord? (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are confused) You were sent for; and there is a kind of confession in your looks, which your modesties have not craft enough to colour.

21 ROSENCRANTZ: What say you? GUILDENSTERN: My lord, we were sent for. I will tell you why. I have of late but wherefore I know not lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercises, and started reading, the beginning of the end. I have also hired a troupe of actors, To do a little play. ROSENCRANTZ: A play? (Aside to Guildenstern) Perhaps he s not all right, after all. See, I am but mad north-north-west. When the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw. A handsaw which will drip with zombie blood. And I have a plan. Here come the players. (Flourish [for the Players.] Enter Polonius and four or five Players, a few look pale and bitten) You are welcome, masters; welcome, all. O, my old friend, why, thy face is valanced since I saw thee last. Are you well? PLAYER #1 Uuuuhhh... We'll have a speech straight. Come, a passionate speech. PLAYER #2: Brains... (Hamlet shrieks. Jumps in Rosencrantz s arms) GUILDENSTERN: A queer speech, the like of which I ve ne er heard. Ouch! Vile player. Bad, vile player! (Player #2 bites Guildenstern) That ll be all. That ll be all. Away!

22 (Polonius and all the Players start to exit) Wait! Can you play The Murder of Gonzago? PLAYER: Ay, my lord. Though Dave s not feeling too well. PLAYER #4 Uuuuuhhh... We'll ha't tomorrow night. (Exeunt Players) Make sure they are well served, And don t bite anybody else. (Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I! For murder, though it have no tongue, will speak With most miraculous organ, I'll have these players Play something like the murder of my father Before mine uncle. I'll observe his looks; If he but blench, I know my course. And if he does nothing, the zombie players Will take care of him for me. Either works. Yes, this rings true to me. The play's the thing Wherein I'll catch the conscience of the King. Exit.

23 Scene VIII [Elsinore. A room in the Castle.] (Enter King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, Lords) ROSENCRANTZ: He does confess he feels himself distracted But from what cause he will by no means speak. GUILDENSTERN: Nor do we find him forward to be sounded, But with a crafty madness keeps aloof And he keeps going on about zombies. Did he receive you well? ROSENCRANTZ: Most like a gentleman. GUILDENSTERN: But with much forcing of his disposition. Uuuuuhhhhh... Did you assay him To any pastime? ROSENCRANTZ: Madam, it so fell out that certain players We o'erraught on the way. To do a play Before you, a play of his devising. 'tis most true; And he beseech'd me to entreat your Majesties To hear and see the matter. Good gentlemen, give him a further edge And drive his purpose on to these delights. ROSENCRANTZ: We shall, my lord. C mon Guildenstern. (King and Queen look at Guildenstern, who s not looking well) GUILDENSTERN: Uuuuhhhh... (Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern)

24 Sweet Gertrude, leave us too; For we have closely sent for Hamlet hither. I shall obey you; Ophelia, I do wish That your good beauties be the happy cause Of Hamlet's wildness. Madam, I wish it may. Ophelia, walk you here. Read on this book, I hear him coming. Let's withdraw, my lord. To be undead, or not to be undead, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune Or to take arms against a sea of zombies, And by opposing them, get killed. To die, to come back perchance to eat faces. Ay, there's the rub! For in that evil zombie state what dreams may come? Soft you now! The fair Ophelia! Good my lord, How does your honour for this many a day? I ve got a lot on my mind, Ophelia. Listen, you need to be away from here. My lord, I have remembrances of yours That I have longed long to redeliver. I pray you, now receive them. No, not I! I never gave you aught. Go! (King and Polonius hide behind a curtain. Enter Hamlet) My honour'd lord, you know right well you did, And with them words of so sweet breath compos'd As made the things more rich. Here, my lord. (She gives him his stuff back.) I did love you once.

25 Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so. But not any more? No? Oh, no. Oh no!! You should not have believed me; for sometimes I lie. (Aside) I would have her protected, from zombies. Lies! Oh god! Then I was the more deceived. Get thee to a nunnery! Or a shopping mall! Someplace safe! And away far from here. Then you do not love me still, dear Hamlet? (Aside) My true love is the reason I do this! (To Ophelia) No, for in truth thou art a moody cow. Go thy ways to a nunnery. Quickly. Under guard. O, help him, you sweet heavens! MARSCELLUS: UUuuuhhhhhh!!! To a nunnery, go; and quickly too. Farewell! O heavenly powers, restore him! (Zombie Marcellus enters from stage right, groaning. Ophelia doesn t see him, as she s turned away. Hamlet panics. Ophelia cries loudly, which covers up) (Hamlet pulls out his sword, and stabs Marcellus, pushing him offstage with his foot)

26 I am utterly rejected! (Marcellus re-enters. His lines are again drown out by Ophelia s cries) MARSCELLUS: Brains!!!! Go to, I'll no more on't! it hath made me mad. To a nunnery, go. (Marcellus makes a move for Ophelia, Hamlet grabs him, they lock in a mortal battle. He cries the next few lines as he drags the evil zombie offstage) O, what a noble mind is here o'erthrown! O, woe is me, To have seen what I have seen, see what I see! (Exit Hamlet, fighting zombie) (Exit Ophelia, enter King and Polonius) Love? His affections do not that way tend; Nor what he spake, though it lack'd form a little, Was not like madness. POLONIOUS: And did you hear him groan, and shout brains? Something s going on here. I have in quick determination Thus set it down: he shall with speed to England For the demand of our neglected tribute. The guy s a nutjob and I want him out. What think you on't? How now, Ophelia? (Enter Ophelia, in tears.) Oh, Father, Hamlet be such a total dick! POLONIOUS: My lord, do as you please; But, if you hold it fit, after the play, Let his queen mother all alone entreat him To show his grief. If she find him not repentant,

27 To England send him. It shall be so. Madness in great ones must not unwatch'd go. (Exeunt)

28 Scene IX [Elsinore. A hall in the Castle.] Enter Hamlet, and three of the Players. Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to you, trippingly on the tongue. FIRST PLAYER: I warrant your honour. But, mark me, Lord, Several of us are ill with some strange flu. Then, let your own discretion be your tutor. FIRST PLAYER: We might make it a mime show, if it please. Fine, reform it altogether! Go make you ready. (Exit Players. Enter Polonius, Guildenstern, and Rosencrantz.) How now, my lord? Will the King see this piece of work? And the Queen too, and that presently. Bid the players make haste, Will you two help to hasten them? (Exit Polonius) ROSENCRANTZ We will, my lord. GUILDENSTERN: Uuuuhhh... What, ho, Horatio! Here, sweet lord, at your service. (Exeunt they two) (Enter Horatio) Horatio, thou art e'en as just a man As e'er my conversation cop'd withal. Did you get the shotguns like in the book?

29 No, my lord! They ve yet to be invented! (Sound a flourish.) Then keep a close hold on your sword, I fear Things might get rough round here pretty quickly. They are coming to the play. I must be idle. How fares our nephew Hamlet? Excellent, I ve never been better. Why? You think there s something up, don t you, Mr. King? [Danish march. Enter Trumpets and Kettle Drums. Enter King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and other Lords attendant, with the Guard carrying torches.] I have nothing with this answer, Hamlet. These words are not mine. No, nor mine now. Be the players ready? ROSENCRANTZ: Ay, my lord. They stay upon your patience. Come hither, my dear Hamlet, sit by me. No, good mother. (Strokes his sword.) Here's metal more attractive. O, ho! do you mark that? (To Ophelia) Lady, shall I lie in your lap? You are merry, my lord. Quite changed. Who, I? Ay, my lord.

30 What should a man do but be merry? For, look you, how cheerfully my mother looks, and my father died within's two hours. Nay 'tis twice two months, my lord. (Jokingly) So long? Some say he s not even dead, That he walks the battlements to this day And cries Brains! (Deadly serious) Stay close to me. (Trumpets play. The players enters. The players are either completely zombified or in the process of becoming zombies. Light music could be played behind this. Lights dim. Enter a King and a Queen very lovingly; both have signs which read Honest King and Some Queen the Queen embracing him and he her. He tries to bite her, but she avoids it. She kneels, and makes show of protestation unto him. He takes her up, and declines his head upon her neck. He lays him down upon a bank of flowers. She, seeing him asleep, leaves him. Anon comes in a another player, with a sign that reads Evil Uncle, takes off his crown, kisses it, pours poison in the King's ears, and leaves him. The Queen returns, finds the King dead, and makes passionate action. Uncle with some three or four Mutes, comes in again, seeming to lament with her. Then, as they are zombies, the mutes start to eat the body of the King. Uncle woos the Queen with gifts; she seems loath and unwilling a while, but in the end

31 accepts his love. Exeunt all but zombies.] The King rises. What, frighted with false fire? Give me some light. Away! ALL: Lights, lights, lights! (Exeunt all but Hamlet and Horatio. The zombie players turn on them) Horatio! My Lord? Let s take out these zombie actors! (Horatio throws Hamlet a sword. A battle ensues between zombies and Hamlet and Horatio. They win, cause they re the heroes) Good work, Horatio. A smashing success, my play, Didst perceive? Very well, my lord. My Uncle, leaving abruptly, Upon the talk of the poisoning? I did very well note him. But wondered if his trouble was caused by Guilt, or the huge mass of zombies. ROSENCRANTZ: Good my lord, vouchsafe me a word with you. Sir, a whole history. (Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern)

32 GUILDENSTERN: Uhhhhh... ROSENCRANTZ: The King, sir-- Ay, sir, what of him? ROSENCRANTZ: Is in his retirement, marvellous distempered. With drink, sir? ROSENCRANTZ: No, my lord; rather with choler. Guildenstern tried to bite him. And The Queen, your mother, desires to speak with you in her closet, ere you go to bed. We shall obey, were she ten times our mother. Here we go again. Horatio! HORATION: I m on it, Hamlet! (Enter the remainder of the Players with recorders. They are playing them badly though, because they re total FULL ON ZOMBIES!!!) Have you a weapon, Rosencrantz? (Horatio charges in. To Rosencrantz) ROSENCRANTZ: We both do, my lord. Then be ready to use it on these Rosencrantz! Noooooooooo... (Hamlet cries out, but it is too late. Guildenstern, fully zombified, jumps on Rosencrantz and attacks him. Rosencrantz has no chance) These zombies, integral to my plotting, Now seemed to have turned against me.

33 (Hamlet and Horatio take on the remainder of the players. Rosencrantz, with an attacking Guildenstern on his back, stumbles offstage. Hamlet and Horatio clean up) There are too many of them! Perhaps. Or perhaps there are not enough. My lord, the Queen would speak with you, and presently. (Looking at the bodies) What the-- Who s crazy now, Polonius, who s crazy now? Leave me, Horatio. (Enter Polonius) (Polonius stumbles offstage, horrified) (Exeunt all but Hamlet.) 'tis now the very witching time of night, Now could I drink hot blood, And do such bitter business as the day Would quake to look on. Soft! now to my mother! I will speak daggers to her, but use none. My tongue and soul in this be hypocrites How in my words so ever she be shent, To give them seals never, my soul, consent! (Exit.)

34 Scene X [Elsinore.] [Enter King, and Polonius.] I like him not, nor stands it safe with us To let his madness range. Therefore prepare you. Hamlet shall to England be sent away. My lord, he's going to his mother's closet. Behind the curtain I'll convey myself, To hear the process. I'll warrant she'll keep him home (Exit Polonius.) Thanks, dear my lord. O, my offence is rank, it smells to heaven; It hath the primal eldest curse upon't, A brother's murder! Forgive me my foul murder? That cannot be; since I am still possess'd Of those effects for which I did the murder My crown, mine own ambition, and my queen. O wretched state! Help, angels! Make assay. All may be well, or so I pray. (He kneels. Enter Hamlet) Now might I do it pat, now he is praying; Take him down with cold steel, zombie-style. But should I kill him now, in his prayers He ll most certainly ascend to heaven, A villain kills my father; and for that, I, his sole son, do this same villain send To heaven? No, be reminded of what you ve done, I ll not hasten you along the mortal ways, This physic but prolongs thy sickly days. (Hamlet leaves. The King remains kneeling. Zombie King enters) My words fly up, my thoughts remain below. Words without thoughts never to heaven go. ZOMBIE Brains!!! (The King turns, and is face to face with the Zombie King)

35 Oh, unnatural brother! ZOMBIE BRAINS!!! (The Zombie King slowly approaches King, who is frozen. Leans over. This is all very dramatic. Blackout and scream)

36 Scene XI [The Queen's closet.] He will come straight. Look you lay home to him. And ask him why he killed those players! I'll warrant you; Fear me not. Withdraw; I hear him coming. Now, mother, what's the matter? Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended. Mother, you have my father much offended. Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue. Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue. Have you forgot me? No, by the rood, not so! You are the Queen, your husband's brother's wife, And would it were not so you are my mother. Nay, then, I'll set those to you that can speak. Come, come, and sit you down. You shall not budge. I want you to see again my father. He was last scene eating faces on the battlements. Enter [Queen]Gertrude and Polonius.] (Polonius hides behind the curtain. Enter Hamlet) (Hamlet grabs Queen, pulls her across the room) What wilt thou do? Thou wilt not murder me? Help, help, ho!

37 What, ho! Help, help, help! How now, a zombie? [Draws.] Dead for a ducat, dead! O, I am slain! (Hamlet stabs at the shape behind the curtain. Polonius falls out, dying) O me, what hast thou done? Nay, I know not. Is it the King? Awww, crap. (Hamlet pulls out the body of Polonius.) O, what a rash and bloody deed is this! A bloody deed. My same sword still dripping with zombie blood. Almost as bad, good mother, As kill a king, and marry with his brother. As kill a king? Ay, lady, it was my word. (To Polonius) Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool, farewell! Hiding behind curtains that is not right! What have I done, that thou darest wag thy tongue In noise so rude against me? You married my uncle, my father s body fresh, You cannot call it love; cause you re really old! And old people don t fall in love. O Hamlet, speak no more! thou hast cleft my heart in twain. O, throw away the worser part of it, And live the purer with the other half. Be thou assur'd, if words be made of breath, And breath of life, I have no life to breathe

38 What thou hast said to me. Hold on to, with joy, the breath of sweet life, While so many others in Denmark now, Breathe not, but yet, in truth, they seem to live. And now I ve got to dump Polonius. Good night, mother. (They exit, Hamlet, tugging on Polonius)

39 Scene XII [Elsinore.] Enter Hamlet. The body of Polonius, safely stow'd. GENTLEMEN: [Within.] Uuuuhhhh... But soft! What noise? Who calls on Hamlet? O, here they come, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern! What message now, gentlemen? ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN: Brains!! BRAINS!!! I fear this is the shape of things to come! POLONIOUS: BRAINS!!! Polonius ne er was bitten! But, wait-- The blood of zombies leaked upon my sword! (Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.) (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern start to attack Hamlet. Polonius, on the ground, starts to get up) (Hamlet continues to fight, but is getting outnumbered. Marcellus, Francisco, and the Sentinel enter) These zombies are getting out of control! The horde too many, and I seem too few I must flee, and get everyone away, Except the ones I don t like, which sadly Means most of the players in this play. (Players enter, and join in the attack)

40 (The Zombie King enters) ZOMBIE Brains! ALL ZOMBIES: BRAINS!!! (Hamlet runs away. The Players start to play a little zombie music. There is a zombie dance. It s delightful)

41 Scene XIII [Elsinore. A room in the Castle.] Enter the Queen, and two or three. I have sent to seek him, and to find the body. How dangerous is it that this man goes loose! Uuuuhhh... Now, Hamlet, where's Polonius? At supper. (Disbelieving)At supper? Where? (Enter Hamlet, panicking.) Not where he eats, mother, but where he is eaten. By zombies! Hamlet, this deed, for thine especial safety The King wished to send thee hence with fiery quickness. Therefore prepare thyself. The associates tend, and everything is bent For England. For England? Ay, Hamlet. Good. It s not safe here anymore. I ll get Ophelia and Horatio, and we out. Farewell, dear mother. (Exit) Hamlet has become more of a monster, Than those he hunts, I must sadly remove him, To what horrible fate does a mother send her child, But then, I am kind of sick of his shit, And am therefore more inclined not to spare the rod And wait instead to let him choke on it. (Exit)

42

43 Scene XIV [A plain in Denmark.] Enter Fortinbras with his Army over the stage. FORTINBRAS: Go, Captain, from me greet the Danish king. Tell him that by his license Fortinbras And all his mighty Norweigan posse Have come to clean up around here. Away! CAPTAIN: I will do't, my lord. FORTINBRAS: Shit just got real, ya ll. Go softly on. Good sir, whose powers are these? CAPTAIN: They are of Norway, sir. Represent! How purposed, sir, I pray you? CAPTAIN: We ve heard tell of zombies on the border. We Norwegians are excellent zombie slayers. Who commands them, sir? CAPTAIN: The nephew to old Norway, Fortinbras. I wish him well in his attempt, There seem to be more of them every day. CAPTAIN: God be wi' you, sir. Don t get bitten. BERNARDO: Will't please you go, my lord? (Exit Fortinbras and Forces.) (Enter Hamlet, and Bernardo) I'll be with you straight. Go a little before. (Bernardo starts off) How all occasions do inform against me And spur my dull revenge!

44 Am I to let a bunch of Norwegians, Complete the task of revenge set to me And miss out on hot zombie killing action, Making this a Eurovision of the damned? No! I ll remain, and, from this time forth, My thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth! (Exit)

45 I will not speak with her. Scene XV [Elsinore. A room in the Castle.] Enter Horatio, Gertrude, and a Gentleman. VOLTIMOND: She is importunate, indeed distract. Her mood will needs be pitied. And you think mine doesn t! (Sigh) What would she have? VOLTIMOND: She speaks much of her father; says she hears There's tricks i' the world. That he dies but lives, In truth, she s crazy. Really boom-boom-waaahhh. (Enter Gentleman, with Ophelia distracted.) Where is the beauteous Majesty of Denmark? Oh hello, oh hello, oh helllllooooooo How now, Ophelia? [Sings. Cranberry s zombie.] What s in your head? In your head? Zombie, Zombie, Zombie... Alas, sweet lady, what imports this song? Ah-ha-ha. My father slain, yet trying to bite. Well, God 'eild you! They say the owl was a baker's daughter. But don t you think you oughter, Never bake a baker s daughter? Pretty Ophelia! She s lost it. Indeed, without an oath, I'll make an end on't! [Sings.] What s in your head, In your head?

46 (Sadly) Zombie..Zombie..Zombie... I hope all will be well. Only the tides shall tell. Good night,ladies. Good night, sweet ladies. Good night, good night. (Exit) Follow her close; give her good watch, I pray you. O, this is the poison of deep grief; it springs All from her father's death. First, her father slain; Next, my son gone crazy as a bag of frogs, My husband, the king, has to my knowledge fled Last, and as much containing as all these, Ophelia s brother, Laertes, is in secret come from France, And there appear to be zombies everywhere. This is seriously not my day. (A noise within) Alack, what noise is this? What is the matter? Is it zombies? O thou vile queen, Give me my father! Calmly, good Laertes. What is the cause, Laertes, That thy rebellion looks so giant-like? Speak, man. Where is my father? Dead, but not by the King. How came he dead? Good Laertes, If you desire to know the certainty Of your dear father's death, is't writ in your revenge That, swoopstake, you will draw both friend and foe, Winner and loser? Enter Laertes with others.

47 None but his enemies. You understand, the King disappeared, I a woman all alone, I must protect my position. I am guiltless of your father's death, And am most sensibly in grief for it, Is doubtless. Let her come in. How now? What noise is that? Dear maid, kind sister, sweet Ophelia! O heavens! is't possible a young maid's wits Should be as mortal as an old man's life? [Sings.] What s in your head? In your head? Zombie...zombie..zombie.. (A noise within) (Enter Ophelia) (Approaching Laertes) There's rosemary, that's for remembrance. Pray you, love, remember. And there is pansies, that's for thoughts. A document in madness! Thoughts and remembrance fitted. There's fennel for you, and columbines. There's rue for you, and here's some for me. Oooo...I like flowers. I m pretty. Do you see this, O God? Sadly, Laertes,It was my son Hamlet did this, He s gone mad and knows not what he does! And we shall jointly labour with your soul To give it due content. (Exit Ophelia) Let this be so. Cause I mma kill me some Hamlet. (Exeunt)

48 Scene XVI [ Outside Elsinore.] (Hamlet stands alone, preparing for a one man war, a la Rambo or Rocky. He tightens straps, adjust weapons, and prepares for battle. Maybe some dramatic Music) Horatio! Enter Horatio. I came as soon as I received your note, Shouldn t you now be away towards England? My Uncle made a mess, Horatio, And someone s got to clean it up. Bad news from court, my lord Laertes, who Had left for France returns, apoplectic, With rage against you for killing his dad. Your uncle, the King, has disappeared, And your mother blames you, and feeds Laertes lies wherin you re at fault! His father is not dead, but undead, when I struck him down my blade had zombie blood Upon it, and so he rose again, zombified. More terrible news from court, my lord, Ophelia, your love, taken mad, has drowned. Drowned? She did not make it to the nunnery? She did not make it to the nunnery. And, further, Laertes seeks revenge upon you. Zombies to the left of me, Danes to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you. Where to now, my lord?

49 Dead ex-girlfriends and zombies are most oft Found in the same location the graveyard. Come, anon, for we go there today, And kill everything that gets in our way.

50 Scene XVII [Elsinore.] My Lord, good tidings to find you, For your wife, the Queen, has been looking Everywhere, to find where you have gone. Uuuuhhhh... My Lord, what s wrong, you seem not yourself. Brrraiiinn...ooooo (Enter the King and Laertes. Laertes bows. The King growns.) What strangeness is this? The King, once manly, has become a zombie. (The King lurches for Laertes, a look of confusion in his eye) Who did this to you? Speak! Brains!!! That s not going to work, is it Can you mime? Then who did this? A pig? A snout? From a pig? Ham. It was Ham...Second word Second syllable? Sounds like? A Net? Ham-let! Hamlet! Hamlet. I will be revenged. (The King nods) (The King tries to mime a pig) (King holds up two fingers) (King nods) (King makes netting motions) (Laertes cheers himself, King lurches towards him) Brains!! (Laertes slays the undead King)

51 LAETRES: I am sorry about that, my lord. How now? What news? (Enter Voltimond with letters. Laertes quickly sits on the body, hiding it, as though it s just a chair) VOLTIMOND: One woe doth tread upon another's heel, So fast they follow. Your sister's drown'd, Laertes. Drown'd! We must bury her quickly, before the Zombies come and eat her, making her undead. Make the preparations, we will to the Graveyard go, And put a bloody end to this tale of woe. (Laertes and Voltimond exit. After a moment, the KING rises, as a zombie, groans, and stalks out)

52 Scene XVIII [Elsinore. A churchyard.] Enter two Gravediggers. FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: Is she to be buried in Christian burial that willfully seeks her own salvation? SECOND GRAVEDIGGER: I tell thee she is; therefore make her grave straight. FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: Have you noticed that a lot of these graves have recently been dug up, as if from the inside? SECOND GRAVEDIGGER: Let s not think about that too much. (Groaning is heard offstage) SECOND GRAVEDIGGER: What was that!?! FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: I don t know, but it didn t sound good. SECOND GRAVEDIGGER: I ll go check it out. (Sings Green Day s Basket Case) Sometimes I give myself the creeps, Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me, It all keeps adding up, I think I m cracking up, Am I just paranoid, or am-- (Exit Second Gravedigger. First Gravedigger digs and sings. While Gravedigger is singing, screams are heard. Optional flying body parts from offstage) (Enter Hamlet and Horatio) Has this fellow no feeling of his business, that he sings at grave-making? Custom hath made it in him a property of easiness.

53 'tis e'en so. The hand of little employment hath the daintier sense. That skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once. You re being morbid, my lord. FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: [Sings. If you want to be my lover Spice Girls] So tell me what you want, What you really really want, I ll tell you what I want, What I really, really want-- (First Gravedigger. Throws up a skull) (Throws up another skull) There's another. Why, I believe that to be the skull of a Lawyer. How can you tell, my lord? There s no brains in it. We should help him, my lord! It s too late for that but what is this? My lord, that zombie bears the very appearance of Yorick, the King s jester! (First Gravedigger screams, as he is attacked by a heretofore hidden zombie in the grave) (The zombie approaches, and Hamlet grabs it by the head, keeping it at arm s length, while it attempts to grab at him) [Still holding the zombie at bay.] Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.

54 Where be your gibes now? your gambols? your songs? YORICK: BRAINS!!! Now he s just a zombie like all the rest. Sad, really. YORICK: Brains!!! We must find Ophelia s grave, Horatio! But soft! but soft awhile! Here comes the Laertes, The Queen, the courtiers. (Hamlet pushes Yorick back into the open grave. Yorick screams as he falls) Who is this they follow? (Enter Priests, in procession, corpses of Ophelia, Laertes and Mourners following, Queen, and Attendants) What ceremony else, Hamlet? PRIEST: Her obsequies have been as far enlarged As we have warranty. For charitable prayers, Shards, flints, and pebbles should be thrown on her grave. Must there no more be done? (Ophelia is lowered into the grave. Zombie Yorick groans) PRIEST: No more be done. Lay her i' the earth; And from her fair and unpolluted flesh May violets spring! And you, Hamlet, I ll get to you. I now see it with mine own eyes, the fair Ophelia. Sweets to the sweet! Farewell.

55 I hoped thou shouldst have been my Hamlet's wife. O, treble woe Hold off the earth awhile, Till I have caught her once more in mine arms. [Leaps in the grave.] Now pile your dust upon the quick and dead Wait a second, there s somebody alive in What is he whose grief Bears such an emphasis, whose phrase of sorrow Conjures the wandering stars and makes them stand Like wonder-wounded hearers? This is I, Hamlet the Dane. The devil take thy soul! Thou pray'st not well. I prithee, take thy fingers from my throat; YORICK: BRAINS!!! For, though I am not splenitive and rash, Yet have I in me something dangerous, Which let thy wisdom fear. Hold off thy hand! Hamlet, Hamlet! (A Groan, as zombie Yorick attacks!) (Hamlet leaps in after Laertes) (They fight each other, and the zombie) ALL: Gentlemen! (Courtiers pull them apart, and out of the grave) Good my lord, be quiet. Why, I will fight with him upon this theme Until my eyelids will no longer wag. Horatio, get down there and whack Yorick.

56 (Horatio does, jumping into the grave where fighting sounds ensue) O my son, what theme? I loved Ophelia. Forty thousand brothers Could not, with all their quantity of love, Make up my sum. What wilt thou do for her? BERNARDO: O, he is mad, Laertes. This is mere madness; And thus awhile the fit will work on him. Hear you, sir! Let Hercules himself do what he may, The cat will mew, and dog will have his day. BERNARDO: Them s fightin words, if ere I heard them. Then in battle we must be conjoined, But, come, let us fight not as enemies. Come, Hamlet, come, and take this hand from me. Give me your pardon, sir. I have done you wrong; But pardon't, as you are a gentleman. This presence knows, And you must needs have heard, how I am punish'd With sore distraction. I have fought zombies, And in doing so, have caused grave offense. I am satisfied in nature, But in my terms of honour I stand aloof, and will no reconcilement Have Till I ve chopped you into little bits. Give us the foils. Come on. Come, one for me. (Bernardo puts Laertes' hand into Hamlet's.) (Bernardo hands out swords)

57 Give them the foils, young Bernardo This is too heavy; let me see another. This likes me well. These foils have all a length? BERNARDO: Ay, my good lord. (They prepare to fight) Come on, sir. Come, my lord. One. No. Judgment! (A scuffle) BERNARDO: A hit, a very palpable hit. Well, again! I'll play this bout first; set it by awhile. Come. Another hit. What say you? A touch, a touch; I do confess. My son shall win. Here, Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows. The Queen carouses to thy fortune, Hamlet. (THE KING, now a zombie, enters behind QUEEN. She does not see him.) Good madam! Uuuuuhhhhhhh... BERNARDO: Look out behind you!

58 (King attacks Queen. Hamlet rushes to help.) I'll hit him now. (LAERTES charges Hamlet. Hamlet runs the King through. Laertes hits Hamlet, a scratch) Have at you now! (Laertes wounds Hamlet. Then in scuffling, they change rapiers, and Hamlet wounds Laertes) BERNARDO: Part them! They are incensed. Nay come! again! BERNARDO: Look to the Queen there, ho! BRAINS!!!! (The Queen has turned into a zombie. Other zombies start to stalk in.) O villainy! Ho! Treachery! Seek it out. It is here, Hamlet. Hamlet, thou art slain; No medicine in the world can do thee good. For there was zombie blood spill d on that blade! The point envenom'd with zombie blood, too! Uuuuhhhhh... Here, thou incestuous, murderous, undead Dane, Follow my mother. Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet. (Stabs the King) (King falls into the grave.)

59 For we are both soon to be zombified. (Dies) Heaven make thee free of it! I follow thee. I am undead, Horatio. Wretched Queen, adieu! Adieu, Horatio--The rest is silence. (He dies. Comes back.) Uuuuhhhh...BRAINS. Bernardo, Courtiers. To me! To me!!! We re doomed, I fear, to die today. Hark! What warlike noise is this? Fortinbras! (Horatio, Bernardo, and the courtiers attempt to fight off the zombie hordes. They are tightly packed in, and losing badly. Trumpets blare) (Enter Fortinbras and the Ambassadors, with Drum, Colours, and Attendants) FORTINBRAS: Alright, Norwegians. Let s do this thing! FORTINBRAS: Throw them all down there, and bury them soundly. (The Norwegians charge the zombies. Attack viciously. The Norwegians really are good zombie killers. They beat back the zombies savagely. At the end, only Horatio, Fortinbras, Bernardo, and a few others stand alive) Ambassador, what news from England? (The Norwegians do, piling everyone into the grave.) AMBASSADOR: The ears are senseless that should give us hearing To tell him his commandment is fulfill'd That Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are undead. What is all this about? Come, so shall you hear Of carnal, bloody and unnatural acts; Of accidental judgments, casual slaughters; Of deaths put on by cunning and forced cause; And, the mad attack of about eight million zombies.