HIPSTER VAN WINKLE. A short comedy by Abigail Taylor-Sansom

Transcription

1 HIPSTER VAN WINKLE A short comedy by Abigail Taylor-Sansom This script is for evaluation only. It may not be printed, photocopied or distributed digitally under any circumstances. Possession of this file does not grant the right to perform this play or any portion of it, or to use it for classroom study. info@youthplays.com

2 Hipster Van Winkle 2017 Abigail Taylor-Sansom All rights reserved. ISBN Caution: This play is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, Canada, the British Commonwealth and all other countries of the copyright union and is subject to royalty for all performances including but not limited to professional, amateur, charity and classroom whether admission is charged or presented free of charge. Reservation of Rights: This play is the property of the author and all rights for its use are strictly reserved and must be licensed by the author's representative, YouthPLAYS. This prohibition of unauthorized professional and amateur stage presentations extends also to motion pictures, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video and the rights of adaptation or translation into non-english languages. Performance Licensing and Royalty Payments: Amateur and stock performance rights are administered exclusively by YouthPLAYS. No amateur, stock or educational theatre groups or individuals may perform this play without securing authorization and royalty arrangements in advance from YouthPLAYS. Required royalty fees for performing this play are available online at Royalty fees are subject to change without notice. Required royalties must be paid each time this play is performed and may not be transferred to any other performance entity. All licensing requests and inquiries should be addressed to YouthPLAYS. Author Credit: All groups or individuals receiving permission to produce this play must give the author(s) credit in any and all advertisements and publicity relating to the production of this play. The author's billing must appear directly below the title on a separate line with no other accompanying written matter. The name of the author(s) must be at least 50% as large as the title of the play. No person or entity may receive larger or more prominent credit than that which is given to the author(s) and the name of the author(s) may not be abbreviated or otherwise altered from the form in which it appears in this Play. Publisher Attribution: All programs, advertisements, flyers or other printed material must include the following notice: Produced by special arrangement with YouthPLAYS ( Prohibition of Unauthorized Copying: Any unauthorized copying of this book or excerpts from this book, whether by photocopying, scanning, video recording or any other means, is strictly prohibited by law. This book may only be copied by licensed productions with the purchase of a photocopy license, or with explicit permission from YouthPLAYS. Trade Marks, Public Figures & Musical Works: This play may contain references to brand names or public figures. All references are intended only as parody or other legal means of expression. This play may also contain suggestions for the performance of a musical work (either in part or in whole). YouthPLAYS has not obtained performing rights of these works unless explicitly noted. The direction of such works is only a playwright's suggestion, and the play producer should obtain such permissions on their own. The website for the U.S. copyright office is

3 COPYRIGHT RULES TO REMEMBER 1. To produce this play, you must receive prior written permission from YouthPLAYS and pay the required royalty. 2. You must pay a royalty each time the play is performed in the presence of audience members outside of the cast and crew. Royalties are due whether or not admission is charged, whether or not the play is presented for profit, for charity or for educational purposes, or whether or not anyone associated with the production is being paid. 3. No changes, including cuts or additions, are permitted to the script without written prior permission from YouthPLAYS. 4. Do not copy this book or any part of it without written permission from YouthPLAYS. 5. Credit to the author and YouthPLAYS is required on all programs and other promotional items associated with this play's performance. When you pay royalties, you are recognizing the hard work that went into creating the play and making a statement that a play is something of value. We think this is important, and we hope that everyone will do the right thing, thus allowing playwrights to generate income and continue to create wonderful new works for the stage. Plays are owned by the playwrights who wrote them. Violating a playwright's copyright is a very serious matter and violates both United States and international copyright law. Infringement is punishable by actual damages and attorneys' fees, statutory damages of up to $150,000 per incident, and even possible criminal sanctions. Infringement is theft. Don't do it. Have a question about copyright? Please contact us by at info@youthplays.com or by phone at When in doubt, please ask.

4 CAST OF CHARACTERS RIP VAN WINKLE, male, a ne'er-do-well turned social media icon. MILDRED VAN WINKLE, female, his nagging wife. KOSI'I, female, a Brooklyn hipster. SHADOWY FIGURES HIPSTERS The same actress plays Mildred Van Winkle and Kosi'i. Shadowy Figures and Hipsters are played by an ensemble. The ensemble must have at least five actors for speaking roles but may be as large as desired. Brooklyn, SETTING NOTES The song "Ain't We Got Fun" (music by Richard A. Whiting, lyrics by Raymond B. Egan and Gus Kahn, 1921) used in this work is in the public domain. For learning or rehearsal purposes only, recordings of the song are plentiful on YouTube and itunes. When an actor sees the notation [current year] in the dialogue, he or she should say the present-day year of the production. Alternatives for certain references are also in brackets. For example: Can I take a pic of you for my Instagram [blog/ page]?

5 Hipster Van Winkle 5 (Brooklyn, RIP VAN WINKLE, a starry-eyed dreamer, sits on the edge of the stage, singing. He accompanies himself with two wooden spoons on the back of two overturned pots.) RIP: (Singing:) EVERY MORNIN' EVERY EVENIN' AIN'T WE GOT FUN? NOT MUCH MONEY OH, BUT HONEY AIN'T WE GOT FUN? (MILDRED enters. She is not pleased. Rip looks at her with oblivious enthusiasm.) Come on! Sing with me, baby doll! (Singing again:) THE RENT'S UNPAID, DEAR MILDRED: (Interjecting between lines of the song:) It certainly is. RIP: (Singing:) AND WE HAVEN'T A BUS MILDRED: Rip, please RIP: (Singing:) BUT SMILES WERE MADE, DEAR FOR PEOPLE LIKE US MILDRED: You seem to be the only one smiling here RIP: (Singing:) IN THE WINTER, IN THE SUMMER DON'T WE HAVE FUN? MILDRED: Nope. RIP: (Singing:) TIMES ARE BUM AND GETTING BUMMER STILL WE HAVE FUN. MILDRED: Speak for yourself, sweetheart. RIP: (Singing:) THERE'S NOTHING SURE THE RICH GET RICH AND THE POOR GET POORER

6 6 Abigail Taylor-Sansom IN THE MEANTIME, IN BETWEEN TIME AIN'T WE GOT FUN? (Exasperated, Mildred takes the spoons away from him.) MILDRED: (Mockingly:) Wait a second! Wasn't that you on the Grand Ole Opry last week? RIP: It's the latest thing. Folk instruments. MILDRED: I see. RIP: We're in a Depression. Ingenuity is critical. MILDRED: You know what else is critical? Making some dough. Think you could manage that today? RIP: I'll see if I can fit it into my busy schedule. MILDRED: (Dryly:) Thank you, Rip. What would I do without you? (Rip stands and tries to plant a kiss on her cheek. Mildred walks right past him.) RIP: What can I say? My baby loves me. MILDRED: Judy and Tommy said they're looking for people at the Finco Factory at Leonard and Scholes in Williamsburg. Go straight there, you got it? No stopping along the way. RIP: Absolutely, my darling! No stopping along the way. I'll go straight to Leopold and Shoe. MILDRED: Oh, for cryin' out loud, Rip! Leonard and Scholes! RIP: That's what I said, honey bunch. You can count on me! MILDRED: Sure I can. (As she exits:) Go straight there, Rip Van Winkle! (Rip waits until she is gone, then crosses the stage.) RIP: (Conspiratorially:) Just one quick stop along the way. After all, a little game of bowling never hurt anyone.

7 Hipster Van Winkle 7 (Rip enters the bowling alley and sits down in an empty seat. He looks around.) Slow day, huh? (A half-eaten pastrami sandwich and a bottle of root beer sit on the table in front of him. He shrugs his shoulders and takes a bite of the sandwich.) (Mouth full:) Waste not, want not, I always say. (Chugging the root beer:) I wonder where the guys are. (Yawning:) What a day. All that musical elbow grease must have worn me out. (Rip begins to doze off. Once he is asleep, several SHADOWY FIGURES in old-fashioned clothes of various periods enter. One by one, they inspect the sleeping Rip. Suddenly, there is a loud noise, like that of a car starting, and the Shadowy Figures vanish. The noise continues on to a series of progressively modern sounds: a 1950's air raid siren, an electric guitar, a synthesizer, a modem making a dialup connection, an AOL "You've Got Mail" alert, and a smartphone ringtone. At the last sound, Rip awakes with a start. KOSI'I, the definitive stereotype of a Brooklyn hipster girl, complete with huge glasses and an unnecessary hat, enters. She looks exactly like Mildred [because she is played by the same actress]. Rip sees her and jumps up.) I can explain everything! I had to go in that bowling alley! There was a baby and two nuns on fire in there, or I would have walked right by, I swear! KOSI'I: (Confused:) I'm sorry RIP: Oh, no, Mildred, I'm the one who's sorry KOSI'I: Who's Mildred? RIP: You. You are. You're Mildred. Don't you remember? KOSI'I: My name is Kosi'i. I work here. RIP: Are you sure?

8 8 Abigail Taylor-Sansom KOSI'I: Last time I checked. What are you doing here anyway? We don't open 'til five. RIP: I feel asleep, and KOSI'I: Oh. Rough night. No worries. You can chill here. RIP: (Unsure of what it means to "chill":) Um. Thank you. I guess What did you say your name was? KOSI'I: Kosi'i. RIP: Crostini? KOSI'I: Kosi'i. It's Maori. RIP: I'm sorry. I don't know what that is. KOSI'I: It's a tribe in New Zealand. I spent my alternative spring break with them four years ago. I asked one of the elders to give me a new Maori name, and he called me Kosi'i. RIP: Oh. What does it mean? KOSI'I: Well, actually, I kind of, sort of found out later from a friend that it translates to "doorknob," but by then, it was too late. Maybe I wasn't as tight with them as I thought. I just tell people it means "goddess of the harvest," and they usually buy it. I mean, who speaks Maori, am I right? What's your name, by the way? RIP: Rip. KOSI'I: Love it. Hey, you don't look familiar. Have you been here before? RIP: Lots, but don't tell my old lady. KOSI'I: She's high maintenance, huh? RIP: Well, you know, I'm currently unemployed KOSI'I: This is Williamsburg. Who isn't? Milk the P.U.'s 'til they cut you off.

9 Hipster Van Winkle 9 RIP: The P.U.'s? KOSI'I: Parental units. RIP: I'm thirty years old. Why would I be relying on my folks? KOSI'I: We're in a recession. RIP: Depression. KOSI'I: Recession. Oh, whatever. It's [current year]. Can't we just stop judging already? We're all doing the best we can Wait, that's an amazing hashtag. Don't you love it? #werealljustdoingthebestwecan RIP: Excuse me, Gristedes, I'm confused. Did you just say it's [current year]? KOSI'I: Yeah. So? RIP: How sure are you about that? KOSI'I: Um. Pretty sure. RIP: Well. In that case, I'm going to need to make a phone call. Is there a phone I could KOSI'I: (Pulling out her cell phone:) Here you go. (Rip takes the phone cautiously and touches the screen. It lights up. He screams and drops the phone, running away.) You okay? RIP: I think I broke it. I'm sorry. KOSI'I: Wow, dude, you are so hipster. I can't believe you don't know how to use a phone. What, do you, like, churn your own butter, too? RIP: Huh? KOSI'I: I'll dial for you. What's the number? RIP: Sterling

10 10 Abigail Taylor-Sansom KOSI'I: Sorry? RIP: Sterling KOSI'I: That's not a phone number. RIP: Oh. My mistake. (Frantic:) I'll just, uh I'll just go pay a visit to Um. It was nice to meet you, Parcheesi. KOSI'I: Kosi'i. See you around. (Rip crosses downstage and out of the bowling alley.) RIP: (Under his breath:) See you later, looney toon! Parental units? The Maori? Give me a break. (Rip freezes as he looks up at the buildings around him. Two HIPSTERS walk past.) Excuse me! Excuse me! How long has that building been there? HIPSTER 1: Oh, I don't know. Forty, fifty years. RIP: (Muttering in disbelief:) Forty, fifty You said Forty And that one over there? HIPSTER 2: About the same. (Rip turn around and looks up again, disoriented.) HIPSTER 1: Love your bowtie. Is the fabric sustainably sourced? RIP: Um. Maybe? HIPSTER 2: Can I take a pic of you for my Instagram [blog/ page]? RIP: Um. Yes? Want to read the entire script? Order a perusal copy today!