Communicating with Tact and Diplomacy Fred Kniggendorf, Ph.D. President, Gravyloaf, L.L.C.
Overview Communication basics Communicate outside the box Habits Communication tools Negativity Jerks Anger Assertiveness
What Communication Looks Like message
What s Under the Hood SENDER Forms an idea Encodes the idea Sends the message
What s Under the Hood, cont d MESSAGE Must be in a common code Transfers the idea Can contain barriers
What s Under the Hood, cont d RECEIVER Receives the message Decodes the message Responds to the message
Words hath charms Grammar and Glamour
Words hath charms Gramarye
Words hath charms MAGIC!
The Good News We have CHOICES!
Communicate Outside the Box HABIT FEAR CZ RULES BELIEFS
Where Habits Come From Unconscious incompetence Conscious incompetence Conscious competence Unconscious competence
Where Habits Come From Unconscious incompetence Conscious incompetence Conscious competence Unconscious competence
Where Habits Come From Unconscious incompetence Conscious incompetence Conscious competence Unconscious competence
Where Habits Come From Unconscious incompetence Conscious incompetence Conscious competence Unconscious competence
Where Habits Come From Unconscious incompetence Conscious incompetence Conscious competence Unconscious competence
If Your Only Tool is a Hammer, Every Problem Looks Like a Nail Visual (body language) Vocal (tone of voice) Verbal (word choice)
Visual Smile ENHANCERS Scowl DESTROYERS Open gestures Rolling eyes Eye contact Raised eyebrows Non-verbal Attending behavior Shaking head Finger pointing
Vocal ENHANCERS Enthusiasm Monotone DESTROYERS Varying pitch/rate/volume Non-verbal attending behavior Sarcasm Loud Inarticulate Inappropriate laughter
Verbal ENHANCERS Code-switching Common courtesy and amenities DESTROYERS Reductive words/terms Vulgarity Profanity Sexist terms Accusatory words/terms Bad puns and other failed attempts at humor Weasel words Negativity
A Word about Negativity 7:1
A Word about Negativity 3:1
How Negativity is Expressed T.G.I.F. Disloyalty Complaining Gossiping Whining Drive by remarks Personal attacks Pity parties ( I know, right? )
Dealing with Jerks Agree with them State the obvious Ask questions Take them literally Walk away Ask for clarification: Tell me more.
Handling Anger Gracefully THEIRS Listen for the meaning Try to re-schedule Change locations Check for misdirected anger Use mirroring behavior Check yourself YOURS Breathe Identify the triggers Maybe it s you!
Be Direct Not Blunt Describe the specific behavior Describe your feelings Describe why the behavior makes you feel that way Suggest a new behavior State why that new behavior will help the relationship Ask what you can do to help them stay on track
How to Sound Positive DBMP-BMS Pretend every day s a job interview Practice saying Thank you Use silence Practice positive re-framing Caveat double-binding Listen
How to Get In Sync Auditory: Did you hear what happened? Visual: Did you see what happened? Kinesthetic: Did you pick up on what happened?
The Communication Loop Hear Interpret Evaluate Respond
Where Questions Force a Response Who What How When
The Negative Psychological Cycle Embarrassment Frustration Anger
How to Say No Tactfully + + NO
Remember: We become what we pretend to be
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