1 STRANGER ON THE SHORE A short play By Richard Fitchett SYNOPSIS: Every parent s dream... the perfect teenager. Ring... Sammy s parent s, fed up of his delinquent behaviour, rang and replaced him with a perfect son but it seems as if there is an influx of perfect teenagers from across the sea. Even at the end no-one is sure why they have arrived. CAST: Sammy: Frank: Audrey: Stefan: Seventeen years old. Sammy s forty year old father. A little old for his age in speech and dress. Frank s wife. Motherly, but traditionally subservient to Frank. Seventeen/eighteen years old though mature for his age. Speaks in an odd not English accent. SET: Three chairs and a table. PLEASE NOTE THIS PREVIEW IS NOT LICENSED FOR PEFORMANCE IN ANY WAY.
2 MUSIC: STRANGER ON THE SHORE BY ACKER BILK. LIGHTS UP. MUSIC FADE OUT. SOUND OF SEAGULLS. A TABLE AND THREE CHAIRS, SLIGHTLY OFF STAGE CENTRE, TO THE RIGHT. AUDREY IS SITTING AT THE TABLE DOING A CROSSWORD. SAMMY IS STANDING AT THE FRONT OF THE STAGE TO STAGE LEFT, LOOKING OUT FRONT, SEPARATE FROM AUDREY AND THE SET. They came from out there, that was all I knew. Across the Channel. I later heard tales of a large orphanage in the middle of a forest but those tales were never properly substantiated. I ain t saying it was perfect here in Happy Valley... ain t saying that we hadn t all become a little bit complacent. But we d have sorted it out... eventually. But them that come, they was different from us. No attitude. Deferential to adults. Responsible. Just a little bit creepy. FRANK COMES ON, WITH A HANDFUL OF ENVELOPES AND CIRCULARS, TO WHERE AUDREY IS SITTING. Post s been, Aud. Don t know why they bother... it s nearly all people trying to lend us money. It s not money we need, Frank. It s... I m sorry, Last night again... I just don t know if I can cope anymore. FRANK IS SORTING THROUGH ENVELOPES AND FLYERS. Sammy?
3 AUDREY NODS. I don t know. Just don t know where we went wrong bringing him up. We read all the books; Spock, Penelope Leach... even that one Seven lessons in bringing up the perfect child. Perhaps we spent too much time reading books But we wanted to be perfect parents... to have a perfect son. Instead... He s a spoilt, malicious, violent drunken thug... He s our son, Frank... I just don t know, though... it s getting so, getting so I m terrified of him coming through that door. FRANK HAS STOPPED AND LOOKING AT A BUSINESS CARD. HE PASSES IT TO AUDREY. (READS CARD) Every parent s dream... the perfect teenager. Ring... THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. The thing is, I reckon, that some of those parents had been taking the easy route. It s like... me wanting to throw them out cause... cause they re going senile... or sticking them in homes cause they re dooolally. Though once they start dribbling and pissing in the aisles at Sainsbury s... that s where I draw the line. Life in Happy Valley was about to change forever... and all because the stranger came to stay. SAMMY GOES OFF. FRANK AND AUDREY SIT AT THE TABLE. THEY BOTH LOOK NERVOUS.
4 Have we done the right thing, Frank? We had no option... it was either him or us. I m sure I heard the gate... We have to be strong, Aud... at some time there will be just the two of us... we have to look to that... make sure we survive to enjoy what is ours. THE THUMPING OF FISTS ON A DOOR. It s him, Frank. Don t worry... once it s all over. FRANK COMFORTS AUDREY; THEN GOES OFF. (OFF STAGE) Change the locks! What s the big fucking idea! (OFF STAGE) Sorry, son... SAMMY COMES CHARGING ON STAGE. FRANK FOLLOWS BEHIND. We just been changing a few things and... What s been happening here? Hold on a minute... where s the pics of me gone... all the photos? On the mantelpiece... the one of me Holy Communion? Time to move on... Time to move? What the fuck you talking about? FRANK PASSES A BIN BAG TO SAMMY. Most of the stuff you care for... SAMMY OPENS THE BAG AND LOOKS IN IT.
5 Sorry we only had the big suitcase. I put a packet of chocolate biscuits in for you. Even now... you spoil him. What the fuck s happening here? STEFAN WALKS IN FROM THE KITCHEN. STEFAN: Who s this? This is Stefan, our new son. Your new son! New son... you already got a son... me. We re sort of moving on... son. Make a break with the past. Sometimes the only way... In the cold light of day... It wasn t working for us, son. It s not been easy but we had to make the... brave brave decision that... we re dysfunctional. It s an admission of failure on our part, really. I m sure it will all be for the better. We saw this advert... Every parent s dream... the perfect teenager. Ring... and rang. We exchanged you... Well... not so much exchange Frank. Perhaps it should me that explains. It will be less painful. Sammy, you have brought years of pain and grief to your parents. Your parents who
6 gave you everything anyone could ever want: love and affection, a secure home, food, clothing, celebrations and presents at birthdays and Christmas. All they asked for in return was love and respect. And what did they get? Shouted at. You smashed up their house, expelled from three schools. Now you sit around drinking and taking drugs, expecting they should pay. You stole their savings from the coffee jar under the sink... savings that was to have bought them a caravan on retirement. You have brought misery and unhappiness on these two kind, loving people who I am now proud to call mum and dad. Now it is stopped! Now Samuel, you are no longer wanted. Goodbye. Goodbye? Excuse, this is my home mate. I m the one who lives here. They re my parents. We couldn t take anymore Sammy. Parents don t swap their kids over. Goes against the grain. Maternal instinct and all that. You love me whatever I do. Times change. We re trying to be with it. You re serious! Aren t you? Throw me out. After all I ve given you. Who cuddled up to you as a baby? Who clapped his little hands when the tooth fairy came. Birthdays and Christmas... sharing the wonder of the crappy presents you gave me. Memories that ll go to the grave with you, and... that s the thanks I get. And... and the Social Services blamed your poor parenting for my lack of social skills... and for my setting fire to that building site. The lady said you two should have been in the dock. (BEAT)
7 But, you re having a laugh aren t you? Hey? Mum? Dad? STEFAN: I shall love them as if they were my own parents. They re not your parents. They re mine! Look this is a joke right? Ha ha, now let s get rid of the nerd. This is me, your own flesh and blood! Listen, you re mistaking typical teenage rebellion. It s just a phase I m going through. In a year or two I might marry and settle down. In fact, yeah, recently I started to feel the urge to get married and settle down. STEFAN HANDS THE SLEEPING BAG TO SAMMY.