Midsummer Night s Dream Act V, Scene I SETTING: Duke s Palace What a regal wedding! (disappointed) Oh, I thought it was pretty good. Oh dear husband, you are wise in so many ways, but we ve got to work on your vocabulary. [The four lovers enter] This is awesome! I can t believe I m Mrs. Lysander! Everything is moving so fast! Last week, Demetrius wanted me to get eaten by a bear. But now we re married! Demetrius I don t know what I was thinking. I d die if you got eaten by a bear! No I would! But I would kill the bear first for taking my true love and eating him! Thanks again, my lord, for overruling my mother. Your mother was putting pride over reason. Greater women have made the same mistake. What should we do now? I am in the mood for mini-golf, but it hasn t been invented yet. Demetrius They haven t invented regular golf yet. I should like to see a show. Let me see. 1
I m right here, my lord. Tell us, Philly-boy, what entertainment do we have to choose from this evening? Well, there s a battle of the centaurs. That could be exciting. Sounds a little violent. Not good for a wedding ceremony. The Thrice Three Muses Mourning the Death of Learning I have seen that. They make fun of the prince. He would have us hanged if we hosted that on our wedding night. Okay, well, there is a short play called A Very Tragic Comedy about the Horrible Deaths of Pyramus and Thisbe. A tragic comedy? That is strange. It has to be one or the other, it can t be both. This intrigues me. I say we watch it. My lord and lady, this play is not for you. It is awful. I saw them practicing. Awful. Who are these actors? Just common working men in Athens. They are very dumb. 2
Then we shall see it. Let them come forward. Yes m lord. I have one question. Yes Phillyboy? Let s say you and the lady are not satisfied with the play. May I whip them? Hippoltya and NOOO! Just go get the actors,! My Goodness! Darling are you sure you want to see this play? I would hate to see common folk embarrass themselves. These men are the heart of our city. They build our palaces, cobble our shoes, stitch our clothing. Nothing bad can come from their work. Ahh, here comes a noble common gentleman now! Quince enters Quince Hello Duke, Duchess and friends. My name is Peter Quince, and I have a message. (Reading from prepared paper) If we offend you, it is because we want to. We don t want to offend you, but that is what we came here to do. We want to make you happy, but we re not here to make you feel happy. What? Lysander Nothing about that made sense. Demetrius He could have read that backwards and I d have a better idea of what he said. I feel so bad saying this, but Peter kind of looks like a girl. 3
[Bottom enters as Pyramus, Flute as Thisbe, Snout as Wall, Starveling as Moonshine, and Snug as Lion] Here comes the entire cast. Welcome friends. Quince Ladies and Gentleman, perhaps you wonder what is going on. Well, keep wondering, but I will tell you everything you need to know right now. This man is Pyramus. This beautiful lady is Thisbe. This grizzly beast is Lion who scares Thisbe. Thisbe will drop her scarf when this happens, and Pyramus will find it. When he does, he believes that Thisbe was killed by this lion. He will then kill himself. When Thisbe finds him, she then kills herself. [All actors exit] Are they telling us everything that is going to happen? Why don t they just do the play? Why are they telling us everything? [Enter Bottom as Pyramus, Snout as wall] Snout My name is Snout. I am a wall. Why are you a wall, friend? Snout I am the wall that divides Pyramus from his love, Thisbe. The two lovers will speak through a hole in the wall, which I will represent like this (holds out thumb and pointer finger. Very clever, men! Snout Thank you. And that is all I have to say. I have no lines. I am just a wall. Begin! 4
Bottom [over the top]oh grim-looking night! Oh night that is so black in color! Oh night, that is always there when it is not daytime! I m afraid that Thisbe has forgotten our promise. Flute [offstage] Oh Bottom! Wait sorry.oh Pyramus! Bottom (looks through hole in the wall) I see a voice! Thisbe. Thisbe? Flute (Entering from the same side as bottom and looking through the hole in the wall with bottom) Pyramus! You are Pyramus, I think. Bottom I am Pyramus, no matter what you think! Oh kiss me through the hold in the wall! Flute You are too far away! Quince Cut! (Frustrated, Pulls Flute to the other side of the wall) So sorry, my lords and ladies, we tried to practice this but Nick Bottom caught a case of donkey head syndrome. Is that a thing? DHS? Can be nasty. Thisbe (entering from the correct side) Pyramus! You are Pyramus I think! Bottom I am Pyramus, no matter what you think. And I am still faithful to you, just like Romeo to Juliet. Flute And I will be as faithful to you as Helen of Troy, until the day I die. Bottom Oh kiss me through the hole in the wall. Flute 5
Our lips won t meet, it s too far. Bottom Then will you meet me at Ninus tomb? Flute Neither death nor life will stop me from coming. Pyramus and Thisbe exit. Snout leaves. If they had just waited another second, the wall between them just went away! This is the silliest stuff I have ever heard! Snug and Starveling enter Lysander Look, here comes two noble animals, a man and a lion. Snug (Reading from prepared statement) Beautiful ladies, you should know that I am Snug, the carpenter, and I am not a real lion. I repeat, I am a human being, not a lion. I am just like you, but I am dressed up as a lion. That s why you can hear me talking in plain English. You see, if I was a real lion, I wouldn t be talking to you like I am right now. I would be roaring. Now during the play, I will roar. But I promise, even though I will roar, I will still be human. The only reason I will roar is because the script is telling me to. But I beg you, don t scream and run away when I do roar. Because I don t want to scare the beautiful ladies, I will roar very gently. Thank you and please don t kill me when I roar. Does he really think that we think that he s a lion? His roar would have to be quite ferocious to frighten me. Let s listen to the moon. Starveling This bulb represents the moon. I am playing the man in the moon. Lysander 6
Go ahead, Moon. Starveling That s it. That s all I wanted to say, I m the man in the moon, and this dog is my dog. Demetrius Huh? What is he doing with a dog? Lysander Quiet, here comes Thisbe. Enter Thisbe Thisbe This is old Ninny s tomb. But where is Pyramus? Lion Roar! Thisbe runs off, dropping her cloak. Lion shakes Thisbe s cloak. That s good, Lion! Pyramus enters HELENA And here comes Pyramus. He s going to think Thisbe s dead! LION exits. PYRAMUS Sweet Moon, I thank you for your sunny beams. I thank you, Moon, for shining now so bright, because by the light of your gracious, golden, glittering gleams, I hope to be able to see my Thisbe. But wait. Oh no! Oh, dear! Your cloak is now stained with blood! Come, terrible Gods, and punish whoever has hurt her! HIPPOLYTA I do feel sorry for him. PYRAMUS 7
What s this? Claw marks? Oh, Mother Nature, why did you create lions? A mean and awful lion has killed my darling, who is no, no, who was the most beautiful lady who ever lived, or loved, or liked, or looked. Come on, tears, pour over me! Come on out, sword, and wound Pyramus in the chest yes, right here on the left side where his heart is. (PYRAMUS stabs himself) And so I'm dying. Here I go, here I go. Okay, now I'm dead. My soul has fled to the sky. My tongue..shall see.no more. Now die, die, die, die, die. (PYRAMUS dies) I have died. THISBE enters. HIPPOLYTA Oh goodness, I hope she keeps it short. HERMIA And now she'll start crying. THISBE Pyramus! Oh, Pyramus, are you sleeping? What, are you dead? Oh, Pyramus, get up! Speak! Speak! Can't you talk? You are dead! Oh my dear! Your lily-white lips, your cherry-red nose, and your buttercup cheeks are gone, gone forever. Come, trusty sword. [in a normal voice] Wait, where is my sword? Bottom [stepping out of character, gives Thisbe his sword] Here you go! [pretends he s dead again] Thisbe (she stabs herself) Goodbye, friends! This is how Thisbe comes to an end. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. (THISBE dies) I have died. THESEUS Well, I guess that s it. BOTTOM (out of character) Oh no, it continues. I have written a song that I would like to sing. THESEUS Oh no my friend, it is getting far too late, and we have had a long day. Thank you for your performance, it was very well done. [BOTTOM and FLUTE exit] THESEUS 8
The clock has chimed midnight, it's time to get some sleep. Dear friends, let's gotake our leave. [They all exit.] [PUCK OBERON and TITANIA enter ] TITANIA Greetings Puck! Are your fairies near? Puck Yes, and in just a few moments we will run through these woods, and make sure these mortals live happily ever after. Oberon Yes, our work here isn t quite done. Titania Yes, what shall we do about our young lovers? If we do not interfere, they might end up back where they began. Puck I have an idea. Titania and Oberon, you go to the royal couple and bless them, and make sure their children always have good luck. Titania Yes, and we will make sure all three couples will always be faithful and in love. Oberon We will use magical dew from the fields to bless each room in the palace. Titania And be sure that the couples and their future children will always be safe. Make them completely immune to nasty things like chapped lips and paper cuts. Oberon Now we ll run along, don t stay long. Meet me at dawn. Titania and Oberon exit PUCK (TO THE AUDIENCE) Ladies and gentlemen, do not get upset with us. If our silly and pathetic story has offended you, just think of it this way you were asleep when you saw these visions, 9
and the events that unfolded before your dreary eyes was nothing but a midsummer night s dream. 10