By Alec Strum. Copyright 2014, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Transcription

1 By Alec Strum Copyright 14, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 801. All rights to this play including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given. These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom. ONE SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION RIGHTS. COPYING OR DISTRIBUTING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW. On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear: 1. The full name of the play 2. The full name of the playwright 3. The following notice: Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado

2 ZEUS ON THE LOOSE By ALEC STRUM CAST OF CHARACTERS (In Order of Speaking) # of lines ZEUS...god of thunder and king of the 49 gods; near the end of his rope PROMETHEUS...a Titan (the generation of gods 32 before Zeus); trickster who brought fire to man HERA...goddess of marriage and women; 71 jealous and domineering queen of the gods DEMETER...goddess of growing things; 22 overbearing mother HESTIA...goddess of the hearth; homebody 18 and home-maker HERMES...speedy messenger god 3 HADES...god of the Underworld; wealthy, 11 practical and steady businessman PERSEPHONE...Demeter s daughter; loves 13 Hades and craves independence DIONYSUS...god of parties and madness; 8 loves parties and madness HEPHAESTUS...craftsman god; brilliant 14 inventor who is hideously ugly and a big nerd APHRODITE...goddess of love; the most 14 beautiful being who is unhappily married to Hephaestus ARTEMIS...outdoorsy goddess of the moon 17 and the hunt POSEIDON...god of the sea, shaker of the 1 earth; salty ARES...god of war and bloodlust; 19 total meathead ATHENA...know-it-all goddess of wisdom APOLLO...god of the sun, music, poetry, art 19 and prophecy; total rock star ii PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

3 SETTING Place: Mt. Olympus. Time: The mythological present. The back patio of the palace on Mt. Olympus. There is a large rock with chains and a beach chair. The palace of Mt. Olympus may be represented with columns and statues here and there. iii

4 1 2 3 ZEUS ON THE LOOSE Prologue SOUND EFFECT: EAGLES SCREECH. LIGHTS UP. ZEUS and PROMETHEUS are out behind the palace on Mt. Olympus. PROMETHEUS is chained to a big rock and is in agony. ZEUS, exhausted, wears a very fine but rumpled suit, drinks from a large glass of iced tea and sits in a beach chair. ZEUS: I m getting too old for this. PROMETHEUS: That s what I m saying. ZEUS: All the discord. The pettiness, the jealousy PROMETHEUS: Right. That s what I m ZEUS: The battles, the prejudices and grudges, the weakness in the face of temptation PROMETHEUS: I m glad you re ZEUS: Nobody listens to anybody else, and nothing gets accomplished! PROMETHEUS: So, I guess it s time to ZEUS: Arrrggghhh! (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER. LIGHTNING. Pause. ZEUS takes a moment to collect himself. The skies calm.) PROMETHEUS: So. Guess it s time for the big R, huh? ZEUS: Huh? PROMETHEUS: (Very slowly.) Re tire me ZEUS: Oh. I m not even talking about work, idiot. I m talking about them. (Points behind him.) PROMETHEUS: Ah! The family. ZEUS: Sure, the humans are having their issues, too, but I can t even focus on them with all the hullabaloo on Olympus. Everyone s always mad about something. And she! She s the worst of them. PROMETHEUS: I told you, man. I told you she was trouble. But when was the last time you took my advice? Oh, yeah! When I helped you win the war against the Titans and made you king of the universe! Thanks for the awesome return favor of unending torment! ZEUS: Well, I told you not to bring fire to the humans, didn t I? Look how much less manageable they ve gotten. Now I ve got two madhouses to deal with! PROMETHEUS: Which is why I advocate ZEUS: (Loud.) Have you not heard anything I ve said for, like, all eternity? PROMETHEUS: Yeah, sure. Kind of a captive audience here. Though the eagles perpetually eating out my liver can be a distraction. 1

5 1 2 3 ZEUS: I m in charge. The job s not the problem. I love it. The problem is you constantly poke-poke-poking at me with your nagging little prophecy. PROMETHEUS: Oh. Gee. I m so sorry to have caused you discomfort. I could never possibly ever imagine the pain you must be in. ZEUS: Just tell me. Who is it? PROMETHEUS: Who is what? ZEUS: For the last time PROMETHEUS: The last time? Really? We re immortal. ZEUS: Who s going to overthrow me? Who? PROMETHEUS: Oh. You know, I know this one Too bad I won t tell you until I m released! ZEUS: And when will that be? PROMETHEUS: Well, it could be right now. If a certain somebody would put old grudges aside and lay off the dark and stormy routine ZEUS: Fat chance. PROMETHEUS: Then that s another bit of information I won t be sharing with you today. Again. ZEUS: Then I ll make you share it! (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER. LIGHTNING. It becomes terrible.) PROMETHEUS: What are you doing? ZEUS: Wringing the truth out of you! PROMETHEUS: Uh (Looks at the eagles circling above. SOUND EFFECT: EAGLES SCREECH.) Given our track record here, I d say torture hasn t exactly proven an effective interrogation technique. ZEUS: Shut up. PROMETHEUS: I m just sayin, Zeusy. ZEUS: Oh, forget this. I m going inside. (Turns to go into the house.) HERA: (From OFF, very loud.) Zeus, you treacherous, lecherous swine! Where are you? ZEUS: (Stops in his tracks, turns and comes back DOWNSTAGE.) I can t do it. I just can t do it right now. PROMETHEUS: Your wife is a terrifying deity. ZEUS: What am I going to do? PROMETHEUS: Like I said, there s always the big R. (BLACKOUT.) End of Prologue Scene One LIGHTS UP. The chains stretch out on the ground by the rock. The beach chair is empty. ZEUS is gone. PROMETHEUS is gone. HERA, 2 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

6 1 2 3 HESTIA and DEMETER are there. HERA is fuming. DEMETER is sobbing. HESTIA is cowering. HERA: (To DEMETER.) Would you please cease your self-indulgent bellyaching? DEMETER: (Sniffles.) It s just this loss reminds me of my own. My daughter, sweet Persephone, swept away to the Underworld HERA: Oh, please. You ve got her spending half the year at your place. She s a grown goddess, and I m fairly certain she d much rather be spending time with her husband. You need to get a grip. Every time you get weepy like this, winter comes early. Now, not only am I angry, I m chilly too! HESTIA: Maybe I should go inside and get some cocoa for everyone. (Turns to go.) HERA: Uh-uh. You stay put. Now, Hestia, my dear, sweet, simple sister, you re always hanging around the house. Did you happen to see what happened out here? HESTIA: Well, actually, I haven t stepped outside the house itself, even into the backyard, in millennia HERA: You didn t even glance out the window while you were I don t know, baking your ten thousandth pie of the day? HESTIA: I m very focused on my duties. I ve got to attend to hearth and home. HERA: You are so stuck in the past. DEMETER: (Collects herself.) Hera, I think you need to take a deep breath of this crisp autumn air and gain strength from the beauty of the natural world. HERA: Gods, I hate your hippie word-vomit. DEMETER: (Begins to break down again.) I am trying to be strong for you, sister, in your time of need! And all you can HERA: Blah, blah, blah! Nature, nature, nature. Love, love, love. Hippy dippy doo! Vomit, vomit, vomit! (Takes out a cell phone, dials and yells into it.) Hermes! HERMES: (ENTERS immediately, talking into his cell phone.) Yeah, boss? (They shut their phones.) HERA: (Turns to HERMES.) Hermes, darling, won t you try calling me Mother? HERMES: Soon as you start acting like one. What can I do for you, Your Royal Highness? HESTIA: (Crosses to him, smothers him in kisses and pinches his cheeks.) Oh, Hermes! Hermes, Hermes, Hermes! You are such a cutie! I m making some baklava inside. Would you like to come in and help me? 3

7 1 2 3 HERMES: (Looks at HERA.) Oh, I love you, Aunt Hestia. Thanks, but it has been about five thousand years since I gave a satyr s tail about helping you make baklava. I ve gotten a little old for it. HESTIA: (Hurt.) Of course. Silly me. DEMETER: (Hugs HERMES tightly.) Oh, Hermes. It s so nice to see a good, responsible young person like yourself who respects his elders and comes to help them when needed. You should spend some time with your cousin-slash-half-sister Persephone. Maybe some of it ll rub off on her. HERMES: Sure. Good to see you, too, Aunt Demeter. Boss? What s the story? I m kind of busy. Got to run some mortal souls down to Uncle Hades today. HERA: Ugh! You know I ve never cared for your uncle s business. So morbid. So tacky. HERMES: Yeah. I know how you feel. (Not really.) Can t argue with the money, though. Got to keep myself in the finest kicks. (Indicates his winged sandals.) What do you want? HERA: Your father s gone missing. HERMES: (Long pause. Blink. Blink.) and? HERA: And we d better find him. You. You should go find him. HERMES: Hera, Dad goes missing like every other day. He s probably off disguising himself as a bull or a swan or something and HERA: (Sticks her fingers in her ears.) La la la! I don t want to hear it! HERMES: Okay, whatever. Look, Dad being missing is nothing unusual. HERA: Fine. But. Ahem Have you not noticed what else is missing? (Indicates the rock.) HERMES: Whoa! That s never happened before. DEMETER: Prometheus and your father aren t exactly on the best of terms. HERMES: Right. I know. (Heard it a million times.) When you guys overthrew the Titans, Prometheus betrayed his own kind hoping Dad would give him a slice of the pie when it was all over, and when Dad didn t, Prometheus stole fire, gave it to the humans, and everything s been kind of messy ever since. HESTIA: And so your father s kept him chained to the rock with eagles eating out his liver for eternity as a means of punishment and control which always seemed kind of harsh to me. HERMES: So what? You think Prometheus got free and kidnapped Dad or something? DEMETER: Oh! I hope not! That would throw everything out of balance! 4

8 1 2 3 HERA: So, would you be a dear and please go look for your father and our little fugitive for Mommy? HERMES: Yeah, yeah but I m not doing it for Mommy. Be back in a flash! (Runs OFF LEFT. The women look around, tap their toes, check out their nails, pass the time HERMES RE-ENTERS RIGHT.) Nothing. No signs of either of them. HERA: Did you check thoroughly? HERMES: Yes. HERA: That was awfully fast. HERMES: Uh. Yeah. HESTIA: Did you check under the seat cushions? HERMES: What? HESTIA: I find so many treasures there when I m cleaning! You wouldn t believe! DEMETER: Did you check all realms? Sky, Earth, Sea and Underworld? HERMES: Yeah, guys, I did. I m fast. That s my thing. DEMETER: Did you see your cousin? HERMES: Yeah. I said hi. She says hi. DEMETER: Did she look okay? Is she eating right? Not too many pomegranate seeds, I hope! HERMES: Yeah. No. Not too many seeds. It s all good. So, what now? HERA: Okay. I didn t want to have to do this, but HERMES: But? DEMETER: But? HESTIA: But?! HERA: We re going to have to call a family meeting. HERMES: No! DEMETER: No! HESTIA: Yay! I ll go make more baklava! (BLACKOUT.) End of Scene One Scene Two LIGHTS UP. The family has gathered. The rock and empty chains are nearby. HERA, DEMETER, HERMES, ARES, APHRODITE, HEPHAESTUS, ARTEMIS, DIONYSUS, HADES, PERSEPHONE, ATHENA and POSEIDON are present and everyone talks at once. It s total chaos. HERA tries to get their attention. HERA: Hello? Hello? Everybody? Anybody? Will you please?! Agggh! HESTIA: (ENTERS with a tray of baklava.) I made baklava! (EVERYONE stops talking and looks. They run over and begin devouring the

9 1 2 3 baklava. There is a murmur of approval. Ad libs: Mmm! These are delicious! I ve always loved your baklava, Hestia! etc.) HERA: (To herself.) They ll only listen to baklava! Argggh! (Climbs up on the rock. Terrifying.) Everybody shut up and listen to me! (ALL are silent.) Good. Now that I have your attention Welcome! It s lovely to see you all! Isn t it wonderful to be together again in the same place? It feels like it s been eons. When was the last time we all gathered around the old family torture rock and had a nice piece of baklava, hmmm? HADES: Hera, love, allow me to speak for the group, eh? Anyone mind? Anyone? Anyone? No? Jolly good. Anyway, as warmed as the cockles of my ordinarily frigid heart may be by this charming little soiree you ve tossed together, and as delightful as it is, I m sure, for us all to luxuriate in one another s company, I am a touch busy at the moment. You know, business is business. People are dying. DEMETER: You two aren t leaving already, are you? Persephone, honey? I haven t seen you in PERSEPHONE: A week, Mom. It s been a week, and already all the leaves are falling off the trees again. You have got to chill out. Or poor word choice. Keep the planet warm! I love you! You re great, but like, really get a grip. DIONYSUS: Uh, yeah. I mean, like, the baklava s tasty and all, but there is a total rager in Thebes that I am missing out on at the moment. And, like, Hera, you know we re cool. We ve had some good times. I m totally down with inviting you to come along, but like, much as I dig the whole Oh, cute, we re a family thing, I d love to be cuttin it up on the dance floor and partying like it s (Pause.) B.C.! Yeah? Right? Everybody with me? (Nobody is.) All right! Rock on! HEPHAESTUS: Um, yes, Mother, actually, I too er, I need I have many inventions that are, um, under development, and I prefer not to leave the Cyclopes (pronounced sy-klo-peez) alone in the forge for too long. And I was hoping to finish my current projects in time for a little sunny getaway with my honey-bunny, here. (Squeezes APHRODITE.) APHRODITE: (Shudders, then catches herself.) I love you, too, ugly. I mean honey! Seriously, though, I can t stick around much longer. The humidity around here is totally making me frizz out. ARTEMIS: I ve got kind of a big hike planned. You know, you guys are great, but I ve discovered I m really more of a quiet, in-thewoods, get-back-to-nature type of gal and not so much of the myhair s-frizzing-out, my-family-yells-at-each-other-a-lot type. So, yeah, I should probably be bookin it soon, too. 6 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

10 1 2 3 POSEIDON: Yar! I be havin uh thar be some whales to be watchin or I um Yar. I don t want to be here neither. ARES: I just freaking hate all you people! I feel like I ve gotta break things or kill stuff! APHRODITE: (To ARES, impressed.) You are so hot. I mean (To HEPHAESTUS.) I wuv you, hubby-wubby! HEPHAESTUS: (Quietly, to ARES.) Cretin. ARES: (Seizes HEPHAESTUS by the throat.) What s that, dweeb? HEPHAESTUS: Cretan! Cretan! Like from Crete! Like, ummm like where Dad was born! Dad s a Cretan! So we re all Cretans! ARES: (Releases him.) Oh. Yeah. Okay. HERA: Yes! Thank you for bringing us to the matter at hand, Hephaestus! You always were a clever boy, even if you are utterly horrifying to look at. Zeus! Zeus is the matter at hand! POSEIDON: Yar. What about him? HERA: He s gone missing. ARES: Yeah. What else is new? POSEIDON: Aye, the brute s got a point. Me brother s always had a penchant for runnin off now and again. HADES: You have always had a tendency to overreact, Hera, dear. (The GROUP erupts into chaos again.) HERA: No! No, no, no! Shut up! There s more! Shut up! (ALL quiet down.) There s more. (Waits. No response.) Someone else is missing. ARTEMIS: Oh! Apollo! HESTIA: No! That s not the answer! Oh, wait. DEMETER: Apollo is missing. ATHENA: Where s Apollo? ARTEMIS: Athena? I didn t even see you before. ATHENA: I ve been keeping quiet. ARTEMIS: Trying to get through this thing as quickly as possible? ATHENA: Yeah! Can you believe these idiots? I ve got to get back to Athens. People are so much more sophisticated there. POSEIDON: Yar! I think you just like livin in a city named fer yerself. ATHENA: No, I Yeah, that s kind of true. ARTEMIS: Well, you get back to the city if that s what you re into. Me? All I need is a forest full of trees. Peace, you know? POSEIDON: Yar. All I be needin is the smell o the salt air, the roar o the waves and the familiar pinch o the crabs on me bottom. ATHENA: You re weird, Uncle Poseidon. 7

11 1 2 3 POSEIDON: Yar. That I be. HERA: Ahem! All finished here? ATHENA: Oh. Sorry, Hera! It s sometimes hard for me to remember you re trying to talk when I spend so much time trying to pretend you don t exist. HERA: I ve always admired your wit, Athena. HESTIA: Um, Hera, what about Apollo? Where s Apollo? HERA: Ugh! Yes! Right! Hermes! Where s Apollo? HERMES: Couldn t get him. ARTEMIS: What do you mean you couldn t get him? It s not like he s doing anything. Probably just sitting around playing his lyre. HERMES: Yeah no. Me and him, uh we re not on the best of terms HERA: Oh, for crying out loud HERMES: Remember, I stole his, uh, the golden cattle of the sun, or what have you? ARTEMIS: Oh, yeah! That was so funny! HERMES: Yeah, he didn t think so. HERA: Just get him! ARTEMIS: I ll call him. I ll call him. (Pulls out a cell phone and dials.) Hey, bro. Yeah uh, Hera s got everyone up here Home Yeah Yeah, apparently Hermes tried to find you Yeah, no. Dude, no, you got to come Yeah (Covers the phone with her hand and turns to the GROUP.) Wait, why are we here? HADES: Zeus is missing. Oh, no, it s the end of the world. ARTEMIS: Oh, yeah. (Into the phone.) Dad s missing no no No, apparently it s more complicated than usual. I dunno she hasn t said ugh! Will you just get your lazy butt up here? I m going on a hike, and the quicker we can get this circus over with the better Yeah. Yeah, she s being horrendous, what do you expect? (Looks at HERA, who grimaces back.) Come on, dude! No, now! Okay, thanks Yeah, see you Yeah, I ll listen to your new song afterwards Yeah, yeah, sure, I m sure the new chariot s really shiny Yeah, solar-rific. Whatever. Okay. Bye. (Turns to the GROUP.) Okay, he s coming. So, what s the deal? HESTIA: Well, don t you think we should wait for Apollo now? EVERYONE: No! HERA: All right. Now. The reason this particular disappearance is particularly upsetting is that somebody else is gone. Who do you think that might be? (Looks down at the rock, on which she 8

12 1 2 3 is still standing. Long pause.) Pro (A FLASH OF LIGHTNING stops her mid-word. SOUND EFFECT: TIRES SCREECH and/or HORSES NEIGH.) APOLLO: (Swaggers IN.) Hey, hey! Hola, familia! Qué pasó? Never fear, the sun god s here! DIONYSUS: Apollo! My man! (They do an elaborate handshake.) I hear you been HERA: No! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! APOLLO: Yikes! Heinous! ARTEMIS: Told you. HERA: That s enough. No more interruptions. Look at the rock. I am standing on the rock. And Prometheus is gone! (ALL look at the rock. There is a gasp.) POSEIDON: Yar. That be bad news. You think Prometheus might have done somethin to Zeus? DEMETER: It s possible he s attempting to stage a coup. ARES: I ll kill him! APHRODITE: My hero! HEPHAESTUS: No! I ll kill him! I ll defend you, sweetheart! APHRODITE/ARES: Ha! POSEIDON: We ve got ourselves a real crisis here. DEMETER: What ll we do? HESTIA: This is why I stay indoors! POSEIDON: We ll need a plan, and to get a plan, we ll need a leader. Right now, we re without one. HERA: Well, I wouldn t PERSEPHONE: I nominate Hades. He runs a tight ship down in the Underworld. You d be great, my little sour grape! HADES: I appreciate that, my pomegranate. PERSEPHONE: And of course, if Hades is the new king, I suppose that ll make me the new queen! HERA: Climber! PERSEPHONE: Oh, like you should talk! DEMETER: Persephone! This is so unbecoming! PERSEPHONE: Shut it, Mother! DEMETER: Excuse me? PERSEPHONE: (Over the course of this line, becomes awe-inspiring, a true goddess.) I am sick of this! I am sick of your smothering! I am queen of the underworld! The souls I rule over number in the trillions! I am loved! I am feared! I am awesome and powerful, 9

13 1 2 3 beautiful and dangerous! I m exceedingly wealthy! (Pause. A petulant little girl.) I m a big girl! Let me go! DEMETER: But but PERSEPHONE: (Whines.) Please, Mother! DEMETER: I ll always be sad when you re gone. The trees will wither, the snow will fall. But but, I ll HADES: Yes, well, anyway. My dearest Persephone, my beloved PERSEPHONE: Oooh! I m tingling! HADES: As much as I appreciate your nomination here, and while it may be true that I would do an infinitely better job of running the universe than my impulsive younger brother, I have no interest in the job. You know how good we have it in the Underworld. Zeus s problem has always been that he s unsatisfied with what he s got. That s why he runs off all the time. But I? I took lemons and made some serious lemonade. I mean, there are more people dead than living. And I m in charge. Do you people realize how many precious metals are buried in the earth? And how much spare change people have on them when they die? Why, the tolls my good boatman Charon collects at the Styx alone are enough to make you blush! Persephone, you and I are doing just fine, and I have no intention of upsetting the balance. ATHENA: Well, as the wisest among us, I think it s only proper that I lead. I have a keen strategic instinct. I know Dad better than anybody here. He even lets me throw the bolt around now and again. So, it seems to me ARES: (Mocks her in a feminine voice.) Oh! I m Athena! I m so smart! (Switches to a manly tone.) Listen, people! We need a strong leader! A warrior! We need someone who s not afraid to blow stuff up and rip stuff apart! To tear and gouge and maim and bludgeon! APHRODITE: (Overcome by his manliness.) Yes! I nominate Ares! APOLLO: Va-va-voom! And I nominate Aphrodite! I didn t see you over there, Dite! It s been a while, but you re lookin as fine as ever! APHRODITE: You re such a flatterer, Polly! I m really having kind of an off day. APOLLO: Even if you were, you re never going to be anything less than the most beautiful lady there is. APHRODITE: Well, that s true. ARES: Hey, Pol, back off! She s mine. HEPHAESTUS: Um excuse me may I interject a moment? ARES: No! PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

14 1 2 3 HEPHAESTUS: Um you see, actually, I am married to Aphrodite. She is my wife. APOLLO: Oh, yeah! I always forget that! That s so funny. It makes, like, no sense. Cause she totally doesn t seem into you, bro! DIONYSUS: Yo! I nominate Uncle Poseidon! Cause this is totally bogus, and I ve always thought he was kind of rad and talked real fly. Anybody got some chips or something? POSEIDON: Yar. I m flattered. HEPHAESTUS: I don t know about leading, per se, but I might be able to craft a device capable of locating Father APOLLO: Heck, why not nominate me? ARTEMIS: I m not really interested. ARES: Well, I am! ATHENA: I am! (The GROUP erupts into chaos again. It builds and builds.) HERA: (Loud and sharp.) I am in charge now! (Silence.) We all clear on that? I. Am. In. Charge. Now. Here is my suggestion We will take turns we will pass around ummm (Looks around for a moment, then sees HERMES texting on his phone, grabs the phone and holds it aloft.) We will pass around this sacred artifact. Nobody will be allowed to speak unless they are holding this object, and if we have anything useful to contribute for example, if we heard something recently, or saw something suspicious then we will share that information. And then we will pass the sacred object along, and it will be someone else s turn. If you have nothing helpful to say, then say nothing at all. Just pass. We clear? We good? We all set? POSEIDON: Yes, ma am. (Murmurs of assent from the GROUP.) HERA: Okay. Here we go. I have nothing to contribute at the moment, so I will pass it on. Who would like it first? (A number of hands reach for it. ATHENA grabs hold, but HERA doesn t let go immediately.) ATHENA: Um Hera, I ve got it. HERA: Yes, um I forgot to mention something. If you do think of something after you ve already had your turn, then just raise your hand, and we ll hand the object back to you. Okay. Athena, it s all yours. (Hands the phone to ATHENA.) ATHENA: Thanks. You re so kind. Anyway, let me apply a little logic to this situation, shall I? The first question we must ask ourselves is, Are these two events Dad s disappearance and Prometheus s disappearance connected? Given that Prometheus had it in for Dad, I think we can assume that they are. The most logical assumption is that Prometheus, after escaping from his 11

15 1 2 3 chains, took Dad somewhere, but it would be hasty to jump to this conclusion without hard evidence. To have a chance at understanding subsequent events, we must first ascertain how it all began. How did Prometheus come unbound? There are four possibilities as I see it. One, Dad released him of his own accord. Two, he escaped on his own. Three, a third party released him. Or four, he died and his body rotted away to nothing. Now, being Dad s favorite child, and having been born directly out of his head, I tend to know best what s going on in his mind. Now, I know Dad would never release Prometheus of his own accord. He had vowed never to do so, and as we all know, when Dad vows, he really vows HERA: Well. There are exceptions to that rule. ATHENA: Hey, uh, queeny? You forget your own rules? (Holds up the phone.) I ve got the floor. HERMES: Hey, boss? Can I get my phone back? HERA: Not unless you call me Mom. HERMES: I m too principled for that. HERA: But not too principled to steal change from dead bodies for your uncle? HADES: Hera, please do not disparage the way I make my living. ATHENA: Um! Hello? I am holding the sacred object! ARES: It s just a phone! ATHENA: Ugh! HERA: Ares, listen to your sister. ARES: Okay, Ma. ATHENA: Thank you. HERA: You re welcome. ATHENA: Shut up now. I m talking. (Pause.) Good. Okay. Now. We know Dad wouldn t have released him. So, who has evidence for or against the other possibilities? (PERSEPHONE raises her hand.) Persephone. Okay, here you go. (Hands PERSEPHONE the phone.) PERSEPHONE: Well, Hades and I know that Prometheus couldn t have died and rotted away. He was immortal. And we didn t see his shade pass into the Underworld anyway. Anybody else? (HEPHAESTUS raises his hand.) Hephaestus. (Passes the phone.) HEPHAESTUS: Well, you see, I crafted these chains myself. And I, ummm Well, they are designed specifically to be impossible to escape. No being, mortal or immortal, can release him or herself from these chains. It s simply impossible. And on top of that, there is no key. They would have to be broken in order to release the one they hold captive. And on top of that, at the time I designed 12

16 1 2 3 and forged them, they were made strong enough to withstand the blows of all presently existing beings mortal or immortal. There was not, at the time of their creation, a human or god capable of destroying them. Pretty nifty if I do say so myself. APHRODITE: That s more than nifty, Heffy, that s well, manly. ARES: I bet I could break em. HEPHAESTUS: Mmm Go ahead, my good brute. Try. (ARES approaches the chains. He tries to break them. He tries really hard. He pulls. He throws. He stomps. He bites. He makes a huge scene and a lot of noise. It s totally futile and totally humiliating. He finally collapses in exhaustion.) Pretty cool, huh? APHRODITE: Actually, yeah. Could you make me, like, a hairbrush that strong? Sometimes I get these knots I just can t get out. HEPHAESTUS: Anything for you, babe. APHRODITE: Yuck. You re still kinda gross, Heffy. But in a cuteish kinda way. ARES: Agh! (Kicks the chains.) Stupid chains! ARTEMIS: This is kind of a crazy idea but HERA: Ahem! Sacred object! ARTEMIS: Oh. Yeah. Uh, Hephaestus, can I have the sacred object? HERMES: Guys, can we please get a new sacred object? HERA: No, Hermes. You know the deal HERMES: Ugggh! HEPHAESTUS: Here you go, Artie. (Passes the phone to ARTEMIS.) ARTEMIS: Anyway, I just had a quick question. Hephaestus said no being could break the chains. But could a force of nature? DIONYSUS: Like what? Love? Wishes? Fairy dust? Good vibes? ARTEMIS: No. A force of nature. Like wind, rain, lightning, earthquakes, I don t know. POSEIDON: (Raises his hand. ARTEMIS passes him the phone.) Yar. I be the one responsible for earthquakes, and I haven t made any round these parts. Besides, the rock would be cracked or somethin. DEMETER: (Raises her hand. POSEIDON passes her the phone.) I take care of a lot of that other stuff, wind, rain, snow and the damage to those chains just doesn t look like it could have been caused by that. ARES: No! It was clearly smashed! Smashed by someone stronger than me! (HESTIA timidly raises her hand. Nobody sees her.) HERA: Ares, you really need to learn to play by the rules here. You keep speaking out of turn. 13

17 1 2 3 APOLLO: Speak for yourself. HERA: Speak for yourself. DIONYSUS: Speak-atee-speak-atoo! Everybody s talkin out of turn! Oh, no! Chaos! The world s crazy! Ahhh! What ll we do? What ll we do? Boogaloo! Boogaloo! (Gets up on the rock and starts dancing maniacally. Tries to get HERA to dance with him. The GROUP erupts into chaos yet again.) HESTIA: (Keeps hand up and speaks timidly amid the madness.) Um Um I had a thought. I had a thought. Um dear family members. Hello? Helloooo? (The chaos simply gets louder and crazier. Suddenly erupts, grabs the phone and shouts.) I ve got an idea! Listen to me! (They FREEZE. Holds the phone aloft.) Heffy said the chains couldn t be broken by a being that existed at the time he made them. What about somebody born after? It has been a while. A lot of people born. (They UNFREEZE.) ARES: But that would mean it was a mortal. A human. ATHENA: Or a demigod. HERA: I know. I know! I know who it is! I know it! EVERYONE: Who? HERMES: You forgot the sacred object. HERA: (Grabs the phone from HESTIA.) It s Heracles. EVERYONE: Who? HERA: Hercules. Whatever. Same difference. EVERYONE: Huh. APOLLO: Oh, yeah! That s right! EVERYONE: Huh? APOLLO: So, I was chillin at the Oracle at Delphi You know, that fortune-telling biz I run on the side when it gets too hot dealing with the sun and when I ve got writer s, musician s and artist s block? You know? When I m not at my most awesome? Anyway, point is that I remember a prophecy coming my way a while back. And it did say that Heracles, Hercules whatever that that guy would come and release Prometheus, cause, he s, like, the strongest guy ever or what have you. Oh, I forgot the object. HERA: (Hands it to him.) Go on. APOLLO: Well, you know. That s kind of it, I think. HERA: Oh. So, what now? ATHENA: Well, so we know Heracles, er, Hercules we know he released Prometheus, so then the two of them must have gotten to Dad, right? 14 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

18 1 2 3 HADES: Well, my dear, we can t be certain of that, can we? How do we know your father didn t simply run off of his own accord, independent of this whole Prometheus debacle? He still is the sort who does that. He might be off gallivanting somewhere while Prometheus tries to hunt him down. HERA: Apollo, are you sure there wasn t anything else in that prophecy? APOLLO: I hear a lot of prophecies, Hera. It s kind of hard to keep track. ATHENA: Think. ARTEMIS: Do it for Dad. DIONYSUS: Yeah, Dad s rad. HERMES: What happened to using the phone? Can I get that back? HERA: No. HEPHAESTUS: Apollo, come on, think. POSEIDON: Yar, you can do it, laddie. APHRODITE: Come on, Apollo, let the sun shine in. PERSEPHONE: You are so cheesy. APHRODITE: I m going to let that just roll off my back. I don t care. You live underground. PERSEPHONE: Yeah, in a palace. HERA: Girls, girls please let him think. APOLLO: Yeah, come to think of it, there was something else. Another bit of it. It was about it was about (Suddenly, from OFF, we hear laughter.) ZEUS: (From OFF.) So that was it? That was the prophecy? (ENTERS with PROMETHEUS, arms over each other s shoulders, having a grand old time.) PROMETHEUS: Yeah, man! That was it! Can you believe it? ZEUS: Ha! What was I so worked up about? HERA: Zeus? APOLLO: I remember! (EVERYONE turns to see ZEUS and PROMETHEUS.) ZEUS: Oi! Just when I was feeling better. All of em. They re all here! (The GROUP erupts again. Ad libs: Zeus! Dad! It s Zeus/Dad! He s back! Prometheus! What s going on? What are they doing? Prometheus! He s dangerous! Stop him! etc.) ARES: (Emerges from the chaos.) Don t worry, Dad! I ll save you! I m gonna smash him! (Charges at PROMETHEUS. The CROWD goes wild at the last minute.) HERA: (Shouts loudly.) Stop! (EVERYONE FREEZES.) Let s try and maintain decorum! We were doing so well! (EVERYONE UNFREEZES.) 1

19 1 2 3 ZEUS: You were? HERMES: Yeah. We ve been passing my phone around as a sacred talking object. ZEUS: I m impressed. HERMES: It was Mom s idea. HERA: You called me Mom! HERMES: Oh. Yeah, I guess I did. HERA: Oh, honey! I love you! (Hugs him tightly.) HERMES: Umm Okay. I love you, too. Can I get my phone back, Mom? HERA: Yes. Here you go, sweetie. (Gives it to him.) ZEUS: What in Hades is going on here? HADES: What? ZEUS: Just an expression. HADES: Oh, right. ZEUS: Seriously. What s all this order and respect and love? POSEIDON: Yar! Brother, we been tryin to figure out where you been! ATHENA: And more importantly (Points to PROMETHEUS.) where he s been. HEPHAESTUS: And how he got out of his chains! APOLLO: Was it Heracles? Er, Hercules? Which one is it? ZEUS: Either, actually. PROMETHEUS: And, yeah, it was him. APOLLO: Boo! Yah! (High-fives DIONYSUS.) DIONYSUS: Good oracle-ing, bro! HERA: Where have you been? ZEUS: Just shootin the breeze, my dear. PROMETHEUS: No biggie. ZEUS: Turns out Prometheus knew this prophecy he couldn t tell me about til he got released. PROMETHEUS: The funny part was he thought it was about the child who was destined to overthrow him! ZEUS: But it turns out it wasn t really a prophecy. More of a warning. You know if I do X, then Y will happen, and then there ll be a child who ll overthrow me. Now I know I just have to not do X. So I won t. HERA: (Suspicious.) What s X? ZEUS: Oh, you know, stuff. HERA: Stuff that could lead to the birth of a child? 16

20 1 2 3 ZEUS: Stuff I m not going to do now, obviously HERA: Hmmm APOLLO: I know what it is! ZEUS: Ix-nay on the APOLLO: Wait. Now I can t remember. ZEUS: It s really not important, anyway. HERA: Zeus! ZEUS: Ahhh! What? HERA: Will you look around you? (He looks.) In a single day, I have made this family semi-functional again. All without your help, thank you very much. I ve got them talking in turn! Hermes is calling me Mom! Aphrodite might actually be able to put looks aside and give our dweeby little Heffy a chance! ZEUS: Wow! That all sounds terrific. It s a load off my mind. HERA: So the least you can do is tell me your secret. ZEUS: You know what? I ve got something I can tell you, Hera. (Leans in and whispers something to her. It takes a while. She smiles and nods.) APOLLO: What is it? HERA: Oh, nothing important. APHRODITE: I want to know! This is so not fair! ARES: I m gonna start breaking stuff if nobody tells me the secret! HEPHAESTUS: No, you won t! We re all adults here! Let them have their privacy. I m exhausted. My dear, Dite, what say you to a spin in the old chariot? APHRODITE: I d love to! (They EXIT.) ARES: Hey! Aphrodite! What about me? (EXITS after them.) HADES: Yes, well, time is money. And life is short. And several thousand lives are coming to an end as we speak. No time for dilly-dallying. Persephone, my dear, shall we? PERSEPHONE: Of course, my undertaker in shining armor. Just a sec, though. (To DEMETER.) Mother, you ll be all right this time? DEMETER: I ll be okay, dear. I love you. PERSEPHONE: I love you, too. (Moves OFF with HADES.) HERMES: (Begins to follow them, calls to HADES.) Hey, Uncle Hades, you need a hand with some transports? You know I m fast! I been thinking about asking you for a raise. (They are OFF.) ARTEMIS: Well, I feel cleansed. Ready for the trail! Anybody feel like a little nature hike? DEMETER: That sounds lovely, dear. I ll come with! 17

21 1 2 3 POSEIDON: I d prefer a good swim, meself! (EXITS with ARTEMIS and DEMETER.) DIONYSUS: Boring! This is boring! (To APOLLO.) Hey, dude. You wanna party? I know this place in Corinth! APOLLO: Yeah! For sure! We ll take my chariot! (Whispers.) It s the sun! (They EXIT.) ATHENA: Hey, guys! Hey! Just cause I m smart doesn t mean I don t want to have a good time, too! (Runs after them.) Wait up! (She EXITS.) HESTIA: Prometheus? Do you think you ll be staying for dinner? PROMETHEUS: You know, I think I might if you don t mind! HESTIA: Not at all! I m going to run inside and get started! (EXITS inside the house. ZEUS and HERA are alone with PROMETHEUS.) PROMETHEUS: So, Zeusy? You tell her? ZEUS: I told her. PROMETHEUS: So, he s thinking about splitting up the kingdom! Giving me my fair share! Finally! ZEUS: I ve just been so exhausted, you know? HERA: I know. I know. I understand, honey. PROMETHEUS: We re going to make a great team, Zeusy. I know it. HERA: Now? ZEUS: Now. PROMETHEUS: Huh? (ZEUS and HERA grab PROMETHEUS by his arms and legs and throw him down on the rock. They chain him back up very quickly.) Hey! What gives? ZEUS: Prometheus, my friend, I ve been tryin to do it all, and I couldn t do it by myself. You are absolutely right. But you know, you and I have never been good at trusting one another. (To HERA.) Hera, my love, when I saw what you did with that bunch of hooligans today HERA: I know, I know. ZEUS: I knew we could do it! PROMETHEUS: So, you re just ditchin me for her? ZEUS: I think it s best we keep the business in the family. HERA: Agreed. (They EXIT into the house.) PROMETHEUS: Guys? Come on. This is a joke, right? You re joking? (SOUND EFFECT: EAGLE S CRY as the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) END OF PLAY 18 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

22 PRODUCTION NOTES PROPERTIES ONSTAGE Big rock with chains, beach chair PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON Prologue: Large glass of iced tea (ZEUS) Scene One: Cell phone (HERA) Winged sandals, cell phone (HERMES) Scene Two: Tray of baklava (HESTIA) Cell phone (ARTEMIS, HERMES) COSTUME SUGGESTIONS Simple costuming can be done with togas and sandals. However, the costumes need not look ancient or Greek. In fact, it may be better to do something modern. Following are suggestions, or choose your own vision: ZEUS wears a fine but rumpled suit, tie askew, or something to that effect the idea should be a powerful guy who s reached his limit. PROMETHEUS wears either just rags, or maybe the suggestion of a rather beat-up military uniform (he is sort of a prisoner of war). He could also be in a tattered suit, so as to be in the same idiom as Zeus. HERA is very put-together, severe. A corporate power suit would be appropriate. DEMETER is a hippie earth-mother with flowing, natural fabrics (such as linen), lots of bangles, etc. HESTIA wears an old-fashioned dress and a floral apron for a June Cleaver effect. HERMES wears winged sandals (or sneakers) with either a runner s outfit or something resembling a UPS or FedEx uniform. HADES has a pinstripe suit, a cane and a monocle. Think Mr. Monopoly. PERSEPHONE wears very high-end, tasteful, gorgeous women s fashion. She s modern royalty. Think Kate Middleton. DIONYSUS dresses like a frat-boy, wearing a t-shirt with Greek letters, khaki shorts and flip-flops. 19

23 HEPHAESTUS has a lab coat, high-waisted pants and a pocket protector. APHRODITE is just as fancy as Persephone but more ostentatious, more Hollywood. ARTEMIS dresses outdoorsy like a park ranger. POSEIDON dresses like a pirate. ARES could be dressed like a jock (perhaps a letter jacket), or like a soldier in camo pants, an olive-drab tanktop, combat boots and a buzzcut. ATHENA wears a toga with a cap and mortar. APOLLO wears beach wear and sunglasses. SOUND EFFECTS Screech of eagles, thunder, screech of tires, horses neighing, a lone eagle cry. Flashes of lightning. LIGHTING EFFECTS

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