H.M.S. PINAFORE or THE LASS THAT LOVED A SAILOR or BUTTERCUP S BEASTLY BLUNDER or DEADEYE S DARSTARDLY DISASTER or OH, PLEASE YOURSELVES!

Transcription

1 H.M.S. PINAFORE or THE LASS THAT LOVED A SAILOR or S BEASTLY BLUNDER or DEADEYE S DARSTARDLY DISASTER or OH, PLEASE YOURSELVES! Libretto by William S Gilbert Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan Book and Lyrics updated in 2006 and 2016 by James Fortune Copyright, James Fortune Revision 4 This version was first produced by the Leatherhead Operatic Society in January 2007 Subsequently, it was produced by the Epsom Light Opera Company in April 2016

2 NOTES FROM THE UPDATER The fourth collaboration between William Schwenck Gilbert & Sir Arthur Sullivan was their first blockbuster hit. It opened on 28" May, 1878 at the Opera Comique. It ran for 571 performances, the second longest run of any musical theatre piece in history up to that time, and became a huge fad in England, as well as in America, being copied illegally by dozens of performing companies in the U.S., as well as being presented there by Richard D Oyly Carte s Opera Company themselves. HMS Pinafore is among the most popular Gilbert and Sullivan operas, perhaps because of its infectious tunes and generally well-constructed libretto. This opera was entirely the idea of W. S. Gilbert. He was taken on a tour of H.M.S. Victory, Nelson s flagship at the Battle of Trafalgar, and was so impressed that he took sketches of it there and then. He convinced Sullivan that a story set on this great ship would be very popular. In the original production, directed by Gilbert himself, the set was an exact replica of the Victory s quarterdeck and Gilbert said that, in every subsequent version, the set should

3 seem to be the authentic quarterdeck of a real ship of the Royal Navy. The uniforms too, he said, should seem to be authentic. In his own production, they not only seemed to be, but were, for he had them made by the naval tailors in Portsmouth. In my last version, we had a modern ship, indeed the set for Anything Goes but Scenic Projects have now chopped that up for firewood so we will be having Captain Hook's Pirate Ship from Peter Pan, a set far more in keeping with Gilbert's ideals. The libretto of H.M.S. Pinafore relied on stock character types, many of which were familiar from European opera: the heroic protagonist tenor (Raife) and his love-interest soprano (Josephine); the older woman (contralto) with a secret or a sharp tongue or both (Buttercup); the baffled lyric baritone (the Captain - the girl's father); and a classic villain bass-baritone (Dick Deadeye). Gilbert added the additional element of the comic pattersinging character (Sir Joseph Porter). A quick point about the Ralf/Raife pronounciation and hence the running gag I've added about this. The original libretto writes his name as RALPH. Apparently, in Victorian times, this was pronounced as and, indeed, Gilbert rhymes it with waife in Buttercup's song A Many Years Ago. I have played about with this and call the character RACKSTRAW but everyone, including himself, calls him Ralf even though Dick Deadeye keeps correcting them. Finally, Buttercup reveals his name is actually Raife. Our production keeps everything that Gilbert wanted but makes it a little more accessible for a modern audience. Whether the purists like it or not, we don t live in the late Nineteenth century and our humour and moral issues are entirely different. A modern audience simply doesn t understand the things that made Victorians laugh. An audience of that time would find sailors singing and dancing very funny as they knew them as lowborn, hard- drinking, rough, swearing men, just as the name H.M.S. Pinafore should really be something like H.M.S. Bloodthirsty. All the fuss about swearing would be both shocking and hilarious to well-born Victorians. Euphemisms and suggestion is how their life worked and Gilbert used this as one of his targets. He also pointed his satirical pen at the conventions of Italian Opera, the jingoistic flag-waving of the Music Hall and, most important of all, class snobbery and the horror of love between members of different social classes. For example, it is difficult for a modern audience to understand why Raife is unsuitable for Josephine. In my last version, we helped that along by playing him as a muscular, rough-and-ready character covered in tattoos and we could do that again or, possibly, make him someone not of her culture. I have taken the liberty of adding a few extra characters, suggested by my research. For example, Cousin Hebe is a proper Victorian aristocratic lady and Sir Joseph s first cousin. Along with his other cousins, sisters, and aunts, she accompanies him wherever he goes. Ultimately, Sir Joseph plans to marry her when his engagement to Josephine falls through. She was originally written in by Gilbert but inexplicably cut from the show before the opening night but months of painstaking research have enabled me to restore her to her former glory as a busybody know-it-all, completely devoted to Sir Joseph but constantly crushed by him. She is a hilarious character. Also in my researches, I discovered the Midshipmite. Again, this appeared to be a character cut from the show but, I think, it was meant to be played by a young boy sailor. For fun, I changed it to a young girl sailor! I could find no lines for her so I have written them. I have used her as the standard device of a new person joining the ship and,

4 therefore, asking all the questions the audience might ask and getting the explanatory answers. During the original rehearsals, two Ensemble members asked if they could have some additional, funny business and so the Naughty Sailors were born. They just muck about constantly and, because they greet the audience members as they arrive, they are a link between the auditorium and the stage. W.S. Gilbert should be seen as the man he was a hard-hitting, merciless critic in the mold of our Private Eye. Sir Joseph Porter is such an accurate caricature of the actual First Lord of the Admiralty at the time that it is said that Benjamin Disraeli, the then Prime Minister, walked out of the first night in disgust! Interestingly, the then Ruler of the Queen s Navee was none other than William Henry Smith yes, that s right, WH Smith, the millionaire book seller and newsagent. He did exactly what Sir Joseph s song says he became very rich, voted himself into parliament and was then made First Lord of the Admiralty without ever being in so much as a rowing boat! Indeed, he hated boats and everything to do with them. Although this irony was common knowledge, it was considered so very scandalous that Gilbert should refer to it so directly in this opera. Nonetheless, William Henry Smith was forever know as Pinafore Smith.

5 And what of Dick Deadeye? A crippled villain? The comic relief? The only one on board that isn t a hypocrite? I think he can, and should, be all three. His ability to see the point and call a spade a spade makes the other sailors shudder - as does his ugliness but I also think that his turning against his mates in Act Two is motivated purely by self aggrandizement and he, rightly, gets his comeuppance. It has been said that Gilbert put himself into Jack Point, the jester in the Yeoman of the Guard but Gervase Lambton noted in his book Gilbertian Characters that surely (Mr. Gilbert) is far more like Dick Deadeye. As it happens, Gilbert thought himself ugly. Nature, he complained, has given me a forbidding face, an abrupt manner and a sour tongue, and so he was slandered, despised and hated for my superficial failings, while my virtues are overlooked. While remembering that this is a comic opera not a pantomime, if our production is to live up to Gilbert s intentions, it should appear to a modern audience as witty, romantic, subversive, nonsensical and very funny indeed. Let s do our best, shall we?

6 DRAMATIS PERSONIE THE RT. HON. PORTER, K.C.B (First Lord of the Admiralty) CORCORAN (Commanding H.M.S. Pinafore) LITTLE (A Portsmouth Bumboat Woman) RACKSTRAW (a fine Able Seaman) (the Captain's Daughter) DEADEYE (a distorted Able Seaman) COUSIN HEBE (Sir Joseph Porter's First Cousin) BOATSWAIN BOATSWAIN'S MATE MIDSHIPMITE (a girl sailor*) NAUGHTY SAILOR 1 NAUGHTY SAILOR 2 A MARINE ABLE SEAMEN (Sailors) PORTER S SISTERS, COUSINS & AUNTS PORTER S YOUNG NIECES WISTERIA (a sexy teenage niece) COUSIN CRUMPET (clearly a man in drag!) (*Yes, l know improbable at the time but this was originally a boy of 12/ Our idea is better all round, I think )

7 SCENE THE QUARTER-DECK OF H.M.S. PINAFORE, OFF PORTSMOUTH ACT ONE Noon ACT TWO - Night Each Act runs for approximately 1 hour and 10 minutes The set is a static one-piece with no scene changes which makes stage management a very relaxed affair. :-) In 2007, we used Scenic Projects Anything Goes set. It was great and gave us everything we wanted. We just had to add a small door for Dick Deadeye's hatch (see under SL stairs). Unfortunately, in 2016, we find that Scenic Projects, in their wisdom, have chopped it up for firewood and their new Anything Goes set is nothing like as nice. Luckily, on looking through their website, I discovered the set they supply for Captain Hook's pirate ship for Peter Pan and it is available and for good money. So we will be using this.

8 QUICK FINDER (there are Speed Links in the PDF version) THE HOUSE OPENS...1 Music A: Song - No Mobiles Please...1 ACT ONE...3 Music 1: Intro and Opening Chorus "We Sail The Ocean Blue''...3 Dialogue Music 2: Aria - For I m Called Little Buttercup...5 Dialogue Music 3: Song - If You Give Me Your Attention...9 Dialogue Music 4: Recitative & Madrigal - The Nightingale...11 Music 4a: Ballad - A Maiden Fair to See...11 Dialogue Music 5: Recitative & Song - My Gallant Crew, Good Morning...14 ENCORE...16 Dialogue Music 6: Ballad - Sorry Her Lot Who Loves Too Well...19 Dialogue Music 7: Barcarolle - Over The Bright Blue Sea...24 Music 7a: Song - Sir Joseph s Barge Is Seen...25 Dialogue Music 8: Recitative - Now Give Three Cheers...27 Dialogue Music 9: Song - I Am The Monarch Of The Sea...29 Music 9a: Song - When I Was A Lad...30 ENCORE...31 Dialogue Music 10: Song - For I Hold That On The Seas...42 Dialogue Music 11: Glee - A British Tar...45 Dialogue Music 12: Shanty - What Shall We Do With The Drunken Sailor?...47 ENCORE...48 Dialogue Music 13: Duet - Refrain, Audacious Tar...50 Dialogue Music 14: Finale of Act One...52 Music 14a: Ensemble - Oh Joy, Oh Rapture Unforeseen...54 ACT TWO...60 Music 15: Instrumental - Entr'acte...60 Dialogue Music 16: Song - Fair Moon, To Thee I Sing...62 Dialogue Music 17: Duet - Things Are Seldom What They Seem...65 Dialogue Music 18: Trio - My Eyes Are Fully Open...69 ENCORE...72 Dialogue Music 19: Scena - A Simple Sailor, Lowly Born...77

9 Dialogue Music 20: Trio - Never Mind The Why And Wherefore...80 ENCORE ENCORE ENCORE Dialogue Music 21: Duet - Kind Captain, I ve Important Information...90 Dialogue Music 22: Ensemble - Carefully On Tiptoe Stealing...92 Dialogue Music 23: Solo - Pretty Daughter of Mine...94 Music 23a: Song - For He Is An Englishman...95 Dialogue ENCORE...96 Music 23b: Recitative - In Uttering A Reprobation...97 Dialogue 23a...99 Music 24: Octette - Farewell, My Own Dialogue Music 25: Song - A Many Years Ago Dialogue Music 26: Quartette - Oh Joy, Oh Rapture Unforeseen (Reprise) Music 26a: Song - For He Is An Englishman (Reprise) CURTAIN C Music 27: Curtain Call Music FINAL ENCORE Music 28: Rule Britannia...116

10 THE HOUSE OPENS As the house opens, we see the magnificent ship that is HMS Pinafore, in graphical form, projected on a gauze its mast, rigging and decks; its capstan, its helm, its binnacle, its figurehead and its superstructure. We hear the ambient sounds of the wooden ship moored in the sea off Portsmouth the creaking deck, the wind in the sails, seagulls, water lapping at its sides and the distant clanging of a bell buoy. As the audience arrives, they are greeted by the two NAUGHTY SAILORS in their fine uniforms who interact with them and entertain them. To signal the start of the show, the MD formally arrives and gets into his position and then rings a naval bell ding ding! On hearing this, the two NAUGHTY SAILORS come to the front of the stage and prepare to sing. Music A: Song - No Mobiles Please NAUGHTY SAILOR 1 I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU TO PINAFORE NAUGHTY SAILOR 2 AND I'LL ADD MY WELCOME TOO NAUGHTY SAILOR 1 AND WE THINK IT ONLY RIGHT AND EXCEEDINGLY POLITE THERE IS ONE THING YOU OUGHT TO DO NAUGHTY SAILOR 2 YES WE THINK IT ONLY RIGHT AND EXCEEDINGLY POLITE AND WE HOPE THAT YOU DO TOO! NAUGHTY SAILOR 1 IF YOU HAVE A MOBILE PHONE WITH AN IRRITATING TONE NAUGHTY SAILOR 2 OR AN IPAD 603 NAUGHTY SAILOR 1 SO WE CAN ENJOY THE PLAY NAUGHTY SAILOR 2 TURN IT OFF, PUT IT AWAY Page 1

11 BOTH WE NEVER WANT TO HEAR NOR SEE NAUGHTY SAILOR 1 WHAT NEVER? NAUGHTY SAILOR 2 NO NEVER NAUGHTY SAILOR 1 WHAT NEVER? NAUGHTY SAILOR 2 NEVER NEVER! BOTH NEVER NEVER WANT TO HEAR NOR SEE, SO GIVE THREE CHEERS AND ONE CHEER MORE FOR MOBILE SILENCE ON THE PINAFORE IGNORE YOUR FRIEND, TEXTS NEVER SEND AND TURN IT OFF, WE ASK ONCE MORE During the final music, they both perform the mobile phone vanish in a paper bag trick and drop in into the orchestra on the 'button' of the song. Page 2

12 ACT ONE Scene: THE QUARTER-DECK OF H.M.S. PINAFORE, OFF PORTSMOUTH Time: Noon NAUGHTY SAILOR 1 grabs an imaginary ball of light and throws it into the stage. As the drums crash, an ABLE SEAMAN is suddenly lit by the ball of light. He is frozen, standing on a ladder. NAUGHTY SAILOR 2 now grabs an imaginary ball of light and throws it into the stage. Another ABLE SEAMAN is suddenly lit by the ball of light. He is frozen too mopping the deck. This happens once more each until there are four ABLE SEAMEN illuminated all over the stage. Music 1: Intro and Opening Chorus "We Sail The Ocean Blue'' The drums signal the beginning of the song as the ABLE SEAMEN burst into life and busy themselves on deck - cleaning and polishing making H.M.S. Pinafore ship shape and Bristol fashion for the inspection by the First Lord of the Admiralty who is due to arrive later today. As the transformation gauze flies out, the NAUGHTY SAILORS join their mates on deck and the MIDSHIPMITE abseils down from the flies. It is pay day and the BOATSWAIN, clasping a small strong box to his bosom, moves among the men dolling out their meagre wages in little sacking bags tied up with twine. Enter RACKSTRAW, a young, handsome, matinee idol of a sailor. At the moment, however, he looks forlorn as he climbs, rather clumsily, up to his perch as a lookout. enters and sees her and gives a romantic sigh. She recognises him and turns away. She sighs. She looks back at him. He waves. They continue this flirtation until exits. SAILORS WE SAIL THE OCEAN BLUE, AND OUR SAUCY SHIP'S A BEAUTY; WE'RE SOBER MEN AND TRUE, AND ATTENTIVE TO OUR DUTY. WHEN THE BS WHISTLE FREE O'ER THE BRIGHT BLUE SEA, WE STAND TO OUR GUNS DAY; WHEN AT ANCHOR WE RIDE ON THE PORTSMOUTH TIDE, WE HAVE PLENTY OF TIME FOR PLAY. SAILORS 1 AHOY! AHOY! SAILORS THE BS WHISTLE FREE! Page 3

13 SAILORS 2 AHOY! AHOY! SAILORS O'ER THE BRIGHT BLUE SEA. WE STAND TO OUR GUNS, TO OUR GUNS DAY. WE SAIL THE OCEAN BLUE, AND OUR SAUCY SHIP'S A BEAUTY; WE'RE SOBER MEN AND TRUE, AND ATTENTIVE TO OUR DUTY. OUR SAUCY SHIP'S A BEAUTY; WE RE ATTENTIVE TO OUR DUTY. WE'RE SOBER MEN AND TRUE, AND WE SAIL THE OCEAN BLUE. Dialogue 1 We see a rather tatty, dark red sail slowly traversing the orchestra pit. (calling up from the orchestra pit) Yoo hoo! 'Ello me sailors! And 'ow are we all today then? I hope you feeling all right and you have lots of money in your pockets! BOATSWAIN Look! lt s Poll Pineapple, the bumboat woman! MIDSHIPMITE Bumboat? What s a bumboat? BOATSWAIN A little boat that bums around port bringing succour to us sailors. The SAILORS laugh raucously. MIDSHIPMITE Succour? BOATSWAIN S MATE Yeah, she hangs around the docks to bring us succour! BOATSWAIN Yes, succour as in goodies? Tuck? Swag? Extra food and stuff? BOATSWAIN S MATE And she always manages to get here on pay day! BOATSWAIN (calling out) Ahoy Mrs Pineapple! Page 4

14 The SAILORS all laugh. (calling back) Ahoy, you handsome devils! Permission to come aboard Bosun? BOATSWAIN (calling back to her) Permission granted my dear. BOATSWAIN S MATE (lecherously to the BOATSWAIN) I quite fancy Poll. She s very well. Very well indeed. BOATSWAIN There are the remains of a fine woman about Mrs Pineapple! Enter, struggling up a ladder from the orchestra pit, carrying a large wicker basket with leather straps over each shoulder. She s rather breathless. (under her breath with effort) Cor blimey! I ve got a chit I m excused ladders, I am. BOATSWAIN (helping her) There my love. All right now? HAIL, MEN-O'-WAR'S MEN SAFEGUARDS OF OUR NATION INCLUDING YOU, POOR KID, WHO'S ON PROBATION! YOU'VE GOT YOUR PAY SPARE YOU CAN AFFORD TO WELCOME LITTLE ON BOARD. MIDSHIPMITE Why does she call herself Little Buttercup? Music 2: Aria - For I m Called Little Buttercup I'M CED LITTLE, DEAR LITTLE, THOUGH I COULD NEVER TELL WHY, BUT STILL I'M CED, POOR LITTLE, SWEET LITTLE, I! As the NAUGHTY SAILORS hold her baskets open, illustrates what she sings by pulling out the various items. Page 5

15 I VE SNUFF AND TOBACCY BUT NONE OF IT'S WACKY, I'VE SCISSORS AND WATCHES AND KNIVES, I'VE RIBBONS AND LACES (she drops a 'silk fountain' over the side of a basket) TO SET OFF THE FACES OF PRETTY YOUNG SWEETHEARTS AND WIVES. (places a very feminine scarf around the NAUGHTY SAILOR's neck) I'VE TREACLE AND TOFFEE, I'VE TEA AND I'VE COFFEE, SOFT CHEESES AND SUCCULENT CHOPS; I'VE CHICKENS AND RABBITS, AND FISHY BAD HABITS, (she throws a big fish over her shoulder it is caught by a sailor) AND EXCELLENT PEPPERMINT DROPS. (she drops a bag of peppermints into the orchestra) THEN BUY OF YOUR, DEAR LITTLE ; SAILORS SHOULD NEVER BE SHY; SO, BUY OF YOUR, POOR LITTLE ; COME, OF YOUR BUY! SAILORS THEN BUY OF YOUR, DEAR LITTLE ; SAILORS SHOULD NEVER BE SHY; SO, BUY OF YOUR, POOR LITTLE ; COME, OF YOUR - BUY! As the song ends, we notices she has a rabbit on her shoulder waving at the audience! Dialogue 2 The SAILORS buy stuff off her and she slips the coins into the purse on her belt. BOATSWAIN Aye, Little Buttercup and well called for you're the rosiest, the roundest, and the reddest beauty in all Spithead. Red, am I? SAILORS Yeah And round? Page 6

16 SAILORS Yeah and rosy! SAILORS Yeah Maybe for I have worn well! But listen to me, my merry friend, have you ever thought that beneath this gay and frivolous exterior there may lurk something horrid - called age, cares, worry longing - which is slowly but surely eating its way into my very heart? BOATSWAIN No, my lass, I can't say I've ever thought that. DEADEYE pops out of a hatch. Everybody gasps and draws away. Well, I have thought it often. Yes, you look like it! (she goes down right, signalling the BOATSWAIN to join her) What's the matter with the man. Isn't he well? BOATSWAIN Don't take no heed of him; that's only poor Dick Deadeye. pushes through the SAILORS who recoil from him. I say it's a beast of a name, ain't it Dick Deadeye? laughs breathily into s face. grimaces. Bad breath! What? Deadeye Oh what a shame! What s a shame? Page 7

17 Your eye. Dead, is it? Dead it is, ma am. I m sorry. Don t be. (leering at her) Aye, aye! Bye bye! I'm ugly too, ain't I? (walking away from him) You are certainly (pause, fighting for the word) plain. (clopping towards her and adopting a weird pose) And I'm three-cornered too, ain't I? You are rather... (pause, fighting for the word) triangular. Well, it s better than being square. Ha! Ha! That's it. I'm ugly, and they hate me for it; (turning to the SAILORS) for you all hate me, don't you? SAILORS Yeah! We do! approaches the MIDSHIPMITE who has never seen him before. She is a little scared but is trying not to show it. After all, she is an Ordinary Seaman. (leering) And what about you? Page 8

18 She turns away from him. Music 3: Song - If You Give Me Your Attention Dialogue 3 DEADEYE (singing to the MIDSHIPMITE) IF YOU GIVE ME YOUR ATTENTION, I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I AM: I M A PROPER ABLE SEAMAN - OTHER KINDS ARE SHAM. EACH LITTLE FAULT OF SEAMANSHIP, EACH NAUTICAL DEFECT IN MY ERRING FELLOW CREATURES, I ENDEAVOUR TO CORRECT. (turning to ) TO THEIR LITTLE WEAKNESSES I OPEN PEOPLE S EYES; AND LITTLE PLANS TO SHOP THEM TO THE BOATSWAIN I DEVISE; I LOVE MY FELLOW SEAMEN - I DO THE GOOD I CAN - YET EVERYBODY SAYS I M SUCH A DISAGREEABLE MAN! AND I CAN'T THINK WHY! SAILORS HE CAN T THINK WHY! DEADEYE I M SURE I M NO ASCETIC; I M AS PLEASANT AS CAN BE; YOU'LL ALWAYS FIND ME READY WITH A CRUSHING REPARTEE, I VE AN IRRITATING CHUCKLE, I VE A CELEBRATED SNEER, I VE AN ENTERTAINING SNIGGER, I VE A FASCINATING LEER. TO EVERYBODY S PREJUDICE I KNOW A THING OR TWO; I CAN TELL A WOMAN S AGE IN HALF A MINUTE AND I DO. (pointing to ) BUT ALTHOUGH I TRY TO MAKE MYSELF AS PLEASANT AS I CAN, YET EVERYBODY SAYS I M SUCH A DISAGREEABLE MAN! AND I CAN T THINK WHY! SAILORS HE CAN T THINK WHY! DEADEYE & SAILORS I/HE CAN T THINK WHY! Well, Dick, I wouldn t want to hurt any fellow creature s feelings, but you can t expect a chap with such a name as Dick Deadeye to be a popular ca-racter, now can you? SAILORS No. Now can you? Page 9

19 No, I suppose not. It's asking too much, ain't it? SAILORS Yes. (to the audience) They re right, you know. From such a face and form as mine the noblest sentiments sound like the black utterances of a depraved imagination. Oh - black utterances! (to audience) Good phrase! NAUGHTY SAILOR 1 Depraved imagination! NAUGHTY SAILOR 2 Even better! lt s human nature I am resigned. sees RACKSTRAW all alone up on the right balcony, spying through an old brass telescope. (pointing up at ) BUT, TELL ME WHO'S THE YOUTH WHOSE FALTERING FEET WITH DIFFICULTY BEAR HIM ON HIS COURSE? Still pointing at Raife, she backs towards the BOATSWAIN. Finally she looks at him. BOATSWAIN (coming awake) What? (pointing with her thumb) Who s the geezer in the rigging? BOATSWAIN Ah! That is the smartest (looks at himself) the second smartest... lad in all the fleet Ralf Rackstraw! Page 10

20 lt s pronounced Raife actually. SAILORS It s pronounced Ralf actually! Oh please yourselves. Music 4: Recitative & Madrigal - The Nightingale (she suddenly remembers) Raife Rackstraw?!! That name! Remorse! Remorse! exits screaming Remorse! Remorse!. Everyone looks at each other. looks through his telescope. He is mournful. He doesn t notice the SAILORS below. He s in his own little world. They all stand to watch him as he sings apart from who sits down and lights his pipe. THE NIGHTINGALE SIGHED FOR THE MOON'S BRIGHT RAY AND TOLD HIS TALE IN HIS OWN MELODIOUS WAY! HE SANG "AH, WELL-A DAY!" HE SANG "AH, WELL A DAY!" hears the SAILORS intone the chorus and looks at them, almost tipping himself off his perch. Music 4a: Ballad - A Maiden Fair to See (sings to his mates below) I KNOW THE VALUE OF A KINDLY CHORUS, BUT CHORUSES YIELD LITTLE CONSOLATION WHEN WE HAVE PAIN AND SORROW TOO BEFORE US! I LOVE AND LOVE, ALAS, ABOVE MY STATION! BOATSWAIN & BOATSWAIN S MATE HE LOVES AND LOVES A LASS ABOVE HIS STATION! YES, YES, THE LASS IS MUCH ABOVE HIS STATION! As he sings the following, RACKSTRAW walks though the audience and makes his way onto the stage. The lighting changes. Page 11

21 A MAIDEN FAIR TO SEE, THE PEARL OF MINSTRELSY, A BUD OF BLUSHING BEAUTY; FOR WHOM PROUD NOBLES SIGH, AND WITH EACH OTHER VIA TO DO HER MENIAL'S DUTY. SAILORS TO DO HER MENIAL'S DUTY. A SUITOR, LOWLY BORN, WITH HOPELESS PASSION TORN, AND POOR BEYOND DENYING, HAS DARED FOR HER TO PINE AT WHOSE EXALTED SHRINE A WORLD OF WEALTH IS SIGHING. SAILORS A WORLD OF WEALTH IS SIGHING. Raife has now joined his shipmates on stage. Dialogue 4 UNLEARNED HE IN AUGHT SAVE THAT WHICH LOVE HAS TAUGHT (FOR LOVE HAD BEEN HIS TUTOR); OH, PITY, PITY ME- OUR 'S DAUGHTER SHE, AND I THAT LOWLY SUITOR! & SAILORS OH, PITY, PITY ME/HE- OUR 'S DAUGHTER SHE, AND I/HE THAT LOWLY SUITOR! BOATSWAIN Ah, my poor lad, you've climbed too high: our worthy captain's child won't have nothin' to say to a poor chap like you. Will she, lads? SAILORS No, no. No, no, captains daughters don t marry foremast hands. SAILORS Shame! shame! Page 12

22 BOATSWAIN Dick Deadeye, them sentiments o yours are a disgrace to our common nature. But he s right in a way. It s a strange anomaly, that the daughter of a man who hails from the quarter-deck may not love another who lays out on the fore-yard arm. MIDSHIPMITE Are you going to speak English at any point in this conversation? BOATSWAIN You re new, little un so just this once, OK? Fore-mast hands are sailors who serve before the mast fore... mast. BOATSWAIN S MATE Not officers, in other words. BOATSWAIN Right. Us. And the quarter-deck, which is behind the mast, is the officer s deck. Right? MIDSHIPMITE OK. BOATSWAIN (illustrating with his hand) And the fore-yard arm is the crosspiece at the top of a mast. (laughing wickedly) Where they hang you from. BOATSWAIN S MATE So Ralf said that it s weird that the daughter of an officer may not love a sailor who works at the top of the mast. A topman. (pointing ) Him. OK? Enter CORCORAN above. No-one sees him. For a man is but a man, whether he hoists his flag at the top of the mast or his trousers on the quarter-deck. Now look, Raife Rackstraw... SAILORS Ralf! Page 13

23 (to SAILORS) Whatever. (to ) It ain t no anomaly, sonny boy, it s plain fact. Duchesses don t marry gamekeepers and captain s daughters don t marry foremast hands. The clears his throat loudly. Whoops! BOATSWAIN (trying to save the situation) My lads, our gallant captain has come on deck; l et us greet him as so brave an officer and so gallant a seaman deserves! The BOATSWAIN and the BOATSWAIN S MATE blows their BOATSWAIN s whistles as the men fall in. Music 5: Recitative & Song - My Gallant Crew, Good Morning MY GANT CREW, GOOD MORNING. SAILORS (saluting) SIR, GOOD MORNING! I HOPE YOU'RE QUITE WELL. SAILORS (saluting) QUITE WELL; AND YOU, SIR? I AM IN REASONABLE HEALTH, AND HAPPY TO MEET YOU ONCE MORE. SAILORS (saluting) YOU DO US PROUD, SIR! I AM THE OF THE PINAFORE; SAILORS AND A RIGHT GOOD, TOO! Page 14

24 YOU'RE VERY, VERY GOOD, AND BE IT UNDERSTOOD, I COMMAND A RIGHT GOOD CREW, SAILORS WE'RE VERY, VERY GOOD, AND BE IT UNDERSTOOD, HE COMMANDS A RIGHT GOOD CREW. THOUGH RELATED TO A PEER, I CAN HAND, REEF, AND STEER, AND SHIP A SELVAGEE; I AM NEVER KNOWN TO QUAIL AT THE FURRY OF A GALE, AND I'M NEVER, NEVER SICK AT SEA! SAILORS WHAT, NEVER? NO, NEVER! SAILORS WHAT, NEVER? WELL, HARDLY EVER! SAILORS HE'S HARDLY EVER SICK AT SEA! THEN GIVE THREE CHEERS, AND ONE CHEER MORE, FOR THE HARDY OF THE PINAFORE! SO GIVE THREE CHEERS, AND ONE CHEER MORE, FOR THE HARDY OF THE PINAFORE! I DO MY BEST TO SATISFY YOU SAILORS AND WITH YOU WE'RE QUITE CONTENT. YOU RE EXCEEDINGLY POLITE, AND I THINK IT ONLY RIGHT TO RETURN THE COMPLIMENT. The comes down the SR stairs to the deck. Page 15

25 SAILORS WE'RE EXCEEDINGLY POLITE, AND HE THINKS IT'S ONLY RIGHT TO RETURN THE COMPLIMENT. BAD LANGUAGE OR ABUSE, I NEVER, NEVER USE, WHATEVER THE EMERGENCY; THOUGH "BOTHER IT" I MAY OCCASIONY SAY, I NEVER USE A BIG, BIG D SAILORS WHAT, NEVER? NO, NEVER! SAILORS WHAT, NEVER? WELL, HARDLY EVER! SAILORS HARDLY EVER SWEARS A BIG, BIG D THEN GIVE THREE CHEERS, AND ONE CHEER MORE, FOR THE WELL BRED OF THE PINAFORE! THEN GIVE THREE CHEERS, AND ONE CHEER MORE, FOR THE OF THE PINAFORE! On the 'button' of the song, they all salute the as he salutes them. ENCORE I DO MY BEST TO SATISFY YOU SAILORS AND WITH YOU WE'RE QUITE CONTENT. YOU'RE EXCEEDINGLY POLITE, AND I THINK IT ONLY RIGHT TO RETURN THE COMPLIMENT. SAILORS WE'RE EXCEEDINGLY POLITE, AND HE THINKS IT'S ONLY RIGHT Page 16

26 TO RETURN THE COMPLIMENT. BAD LANGUAGE OR ABUSE, I NEVER, NEVER USE, WHATEVER THE EMERGENCY; THOUGH "BOTHER, IT" I MAY OCCASIONY SAY, I NEVER USE A BIG, BIG D SAILORS WHAT, NEVER? NO, NEVER! SAILORS WHAT, NEVER? WELL, HARDLY EVER! SAILORS HARDLY EVER SWEARS A BIG, BIG D THEN GIVE THREE CHEERS, AND ONE CHEER MORE, FOR THE WELL BRED OF THE PINAFORE! THEN GIVE THREE CHEERS, AND ONE CHEER MORE, FOR THE OF THE PINAFORE! On the 'button' of the song, and SAILORS salute the audience. Exeunt except the. LITTLE enters. Dialogue 5 Captain, you may put on a brave face for your men but, sir, you are sad! The silent eloquence of that little tear that trembles on your eyelash tells me of a rather deep sorrow. You can confide in me, you know. (she reveals a naked shoulder) Fear not. I am a mother! Yes, Little Buttercup, I m sad and sorry, for my daughter Josephine - the fairest flower that ever blossomed on ancestral timber... Ooooh, ancestral timber (to audience) good phrase! Page 17

27 NAUGHTY SAILOR 1 (popping out from somewhere) fairest flower that ever blossomed! NAUGHTY SAILOR 2 (popping out from somewhere else) Even better! (trying to ignore their interjection) Well, anyway she is sought in marriage by Sir Joseph Porter, Our Admiralty's First Lord. (gasping) The First Lord of the Admiralty! Indeed, ma am. NAUGHTY SAILOR 1 He commands the entire Royal Navy! NAUGHTY SAILOR 2 And he s a member of the government too. He's a ruddy Cabinet Minister! He is indeed, ma am. NAUGHTY SAILOR 1 & 2 (getting quite excited) He s one of the most important and powerful men in this country! (turning on them angrily) Will you two go away?!! (the subtly indicates ) Can't you see I'm NAUGHTY SAILOR 1 & 2 (creeping off) Oh. Yes. Sorry Sir. Out the way. Go. Go! That's better. Now, where were we? Page 18

28 (pointing to the floor) Well, you were just here and I was No, no. I said he was the First Lord ( looks like she's about to interrupt him) So why doesn t my daughter Josephine want to marry him? Oh, I don't know love. (with emotion, pulling out a big red handkerchief) But ah, poor Sir Joseph! I know too well the anguish of unrequited love! Enter above carrying some flowers in a small basket. But see, here comes your most attractive daughter. I m off. (she goes to exit but turns back to the ) Traa luv! The watches her with interest as she walks away. But she stops and accidentally drops her handkerchief on the deck as she goes. He looks at the handkerchief and then goes over to it, picks it up, smells it and smiles. (aside) A plump and pleasing person! He runs after her. The noises off tell us that he may have caught her! Music 6: Ballad - Sorry Her Lot Who Loves Too Well SORRY HER LOT WHO LOVES TOO WELL, HEAVY THE HEART THAT HOPES BUT VAINLY, SAD ARE THE SIGHS THAT OWN THE SPELL, UTTERED BY EYES THAT SPEAK TOO PLAINLY; SORRY HER LOT WHO LOVES TOO WELL, HEAVY THE HEART THAT HOPES BUT VAINLY. HEAVY THE SORROW THAT BOWS THE HEAD WHEN LOVE IS ALIVE AND HOPE IS DEAD! WHEN LOVE IS ALIVE AND HOPE IS DEAD! As she sings, the NAUGHTY SAILORS enter and listen in the background. Enter the again, pulling at his collar. It's hot in here! Page 19

29 Dialogue 6 My child, I grieve to see that you are sad. (truculent) There s another verse, Papa Don t sing it, my child; your music depresses us both! Charming! I want you to look your best today, for the arrival of Sir Joseph Porter KCB. KCB? Knight Commander of the Bath Of the bath?! The Most Honourable Order of the Bath. Sounds rather wet to me! (clearing his throat) Sir Joseph Porter, KCB, is very rich, very well connected and powerful. He would be a catch indeed. (aside) Yes, that s the catch. What? No, nothing. I said I ve got a scratch! Oh, I m sorry. Page 20

30 It's nothing. Well, good because wealthy Sir Joseph will be here this afternoon to claim your promised hand in marriage. Ah! Father, your words out me to the quick. I can esteem reverence venerate Sir Joseph, K.C.B., (they bob in unison towards the audience) (as do the NAUGHTY SAILORS in the background) for I m sure that he is a great and good man; but I cannot love him! Why not? My heart is already given. (aside) It is then as I feared. (aloud) Given? And to whom? Not to some chinless wonder? Some young lordling? No, father - the object of my love is no lordling. Oh, pity me, for he is but a humble sailor on board your own ship! Impossible! Yes, t'is true too true. A common sailor? Oh fffff fie! Oh, I blush for the weakness that allows me to cherish such a passion. I hate myself when I think of the depth to which I have stooped in permitting myself to think tenderly of one so ignobly born, but I love him! I love him! I love him! weeps and throws herself into her father's arms. Come my child, let us talk this over. In a matter of the heart I would not coerce my daughter - I attach but little value to rank or wealth, but the line must be drawn somewhere! Page 21

31 The NAUGHTY SAILORS nod in agreement. (the NAUGHTY SAILORS mime what he now says) A man in that station may be brave and worthy, but at every step he would make dreadful blunders and commit breeches of grammar that society would never pardon. He would drop his H s, and eat peas with his knife! And he doesn t speak like we do! All that you say is true. Oh, I have thought of this day and night. NAUGHTY SAILORS Night and day! (turning to them) Day and night! (also turning to them) Shut up and go away. (they look at him forlornly) Yes! Off you go. Go and do something useful. Pick oakum or something. The NAUGHTY SAILORS shrug at the audience and slope off sadly. (turning back to ) Now where were we? (pointing to the floor) You were just there and I was standing here and (exasperated) No, no, no, what was I saying? No idea. Oh. The NAUGHTY SAILORS pop theirs heads back round. NAUGHTY SAILOR 1 Sir Joseph Porter Page 22

32 NAUGHTY SAILOR 2 K.C.B. The, and both NAUGHTY SAILORS curtsy again. Ah yes! Now, don t forget, my daughter, that you are used to the finer things in life. Sir Joseph could provide them; indeed, he could provide a da... NAUGHTY SAILORS U, u! a jolly lot of them. (after a pause) Fear not, father, I have a heart, and therefore I love; but I am your daughter, and therefore I am proud. (saluting him) (the NAUGHTY SAILORS also salute him) Though I carry my love for a sailor boy with me to the tomb, Sir Joseph shall never know it. (deeply relieved) You are my daughter after all. There is a loud double blast of a 9 pounder cannon which makes both the and duck. The NAUGHTY SAILORS exit quickly with their fingers in their ears. Another loud bang. Swipe me! What on Earth is that? I think Sir Joseph s barge approaches. He s a big noise in the Navy! Tell me about it! I ve composed a brief welcome speech in his honour. (he shows her a large pile of paper which drops to the floor in a continuous roll) Would you like to read it? Er, no thanks. Page 23

33 Another loud bang. He will be accompanied by the admiring crowd of nieces, sisters, cousins, and aunts that attend him wherever he goes. Another loud bang. Meanwhile, under the ensuing dialogue... Save us! Music 7: Barcarolle - Over The Bright Blue Sea 'S FEMALE RELATIVES (off stage) OVER THE BRIGHT BLUE SEA COMES PORTER, K.C.B.! WHEREVER HE MAY GO BANG BANG THE LOUD NINE POUNDERS GO! SHOUT O'ER THE BRIGHT BLUE SEA FOR PORTER, K.C.B. SHOUT O'ER THE BRIGHT BLUE SEA FOR PORTER, K.C.B. FOR PORTER, K.C.B. Retire, my daughter, to your cabin and take this, his photograph, with you it may help to bring you to a more reasonable frame of mind. Geddit? (tapping the picture frame) Frame frame of mind? (tapping him on the shoulder) My own witty father! (she looks at the picture) Oh yuk! She rushes off as we hear one final loud bang. The puts his hat on and ascends the poop-deck as the SAILORS, all of a flurry, rush onto the quarter-deck and start milling around getting ready for the visit. BOATSWAIN (to the SAILORS) Now come on, me lads. I want this boat ship-shape and Bristol fashion! Page 24

34 Music 7a: Song - Sir Joseph s Barge Is Seen SAILORS 'S BARGE IS SEEN, AND ITS CROWD OF BLUSHING BEAUTIES, WE HOPE HE'LL FIND US CLEAN, AND ATTENTIVE TO OUR DUTIES. WE SAIL, WE SAIL THE OCEAN BLUE, AND OUR SAUCY SHIP'S A BEAUTY. WE'RE SOBER, SOBER MEN AND TRUE AND ATTENTIVE TO OUR DUTY. SOBER, SOBER MEN AND TRUE. WE'RE SMART AND SOBER MEN, AND QUITE DEVOID OF FEAR, IN THE ROYAL N. NONE ARE SO SMART AS WE ARE. During this song, as the SAILORS polish up for the impending visit while, to to cries of Coming through, Mind your backs, To me and Up yours, the two NAUGHTY SAILORS, push on a large wooden crate, as tall as a person. They place it centre stage and turn it all the way round. It has FRAGILE and THIS WAY UP upside down on it. The two NAUGHTY SAILORS open up the big door, clearly indicating that there is nothing inside. They close the door again and immediately open it again revealing lots of very pretty young girls in very tight sailor suits standing in the box. Amid wolf whistles and lead by WISTERIA, Sir Joseph's NIECES pour out of the box and start talking to the sailors. They are followed by a veritable stream of his SISTERS, COUSINS AND AUNTS who are quite a contrast from the NIECES - all big hats and crinoline. The last person to emerge from the box is COUSIN CRUMPET clearly a man in drag! RELATIVES GAILY TRIPPING, LIGHTLY SKIPPING, FLOCK THE MAIDENS TO THE SHIPPING. GAILY TRIPPING, LIGHTLY SKIPPING, FLOCK THE MAIDENS TO THE SHIPPING. SAILORS FLAGS AND GUNS AND PENNANTS DIPPING! THE LADIES LOVE THE SHIPPING. RELATIVES SAILORS SPRIGHTLY ALWAYS RIGHTLY WELCOME LADIES SO POLITELY. SAILORS LADIES WHO CAN SMILE SO BRIGHTLY, SAILORS WELCOME MOST POLITELY, Page 25

35 WELCOME MOST POLITELY. RELATIVES SAILORS SPRIGHTLY ALWAYS RIGHTLY WELCOME LADIES SO POLITELY. RELATIVES SAILORS GAILY TRIPPING, LIGHTLY SKIPPING, WE'RE SMART AND SOBER MEN, FLOCK THE MAIDENS TO THE SHIPPING. AND QUITE DEVOID OF FEAR, GAILY TRIPPING, LIGHTLY SKIPPING, IN THE ROYAL N. FLOCK THE MAIDENS TO THE SHIPPING. NONE ARE SO SMART AS WE ARE. LADIES WHO CAN SMILE SO BRIGHTLY, SAILORS WELCOME MOST POLITELY, WELCOME MOST POLITELY. SAILORS GAILY RELATIVES TRIPPING. SAILORS LIGHTLY... RELATIVES SKIPPING. SAILORS ALWAYS WELCOME LADIES, SO POLITELY. Dialogue 7 WISTERIA (posing sexily to wolf whistles) Hello sailors! POSH SAILOR I say delightful filly what? Top totty! COUSIN CRUMPET (very camply to DEADEYE) Ooooh hello, sailor! WISTERIA grabs hold of the nearest young sailor and places her leg in his arm. AN ELDERLY AUNT Wisteria? Wisteria! Put him down and come here, girl! Page 26

36 WISTERIA, chastened, rushes up to her AUNT but slyly waves at the SAILOR. Music 8: Recitative - Now Give Three Cheers Dialogue 8 (from poop deck) NOW GIVE THREE CHEERS, I'LL LEAD THE WAY HURRAH! HURRAH! HURRAY! HURRAY! HURRAY! We hear the stirring sound of snare drums as a fully uniformed MARINE marches on. MARINE (barking orders) Ship's Company! Ship's Company! Atten-shun!! Rackstraw! Midshipmite! Where are your 'ats!! Stand up straight Deadeye, you degenerate! Right dress! (SAILORS obey) Eyes front to welcome the First Sea Lord. The MARINE turns towards the door at the back of the set and salutes smartly. While the RELATIVES put their fingers in their ears, the BOATSWAIN and BOATSWAIN'S MATE blow their Bosun's whistles in welcome. The entire COMPANY is staring at the door. A pause. PORTER KCB (just off stage) We're all going to die!! From an entirely different place, the SL pass door, a tremulous PORTER enters gingerly, followed by his COUSIN HEBE. wears a splendid uniform covered in gold braid and medals. He also wears a monocle and a ludicrously large and feathery bicorne hat. COUSIN HEBE is dressed as a bespectacled maidenly Victorian aunt. She wears a large hat with a stuffed seagull on the top. She stays as close to as possible and uses her parasol as a weapon to keep the other RELATIVES away from him. Indeed, she behaves just like a wife! We see that is wearing bright pink water wings and a big blow-up rubber ring with a figure of Donald Duck in a sailor suit on it! Page 27

37 He looks very nervous and keeps muttering to COUSIN HEBE who is supporting him. Everybody stares at who looks very unhappy. (looking around with wild eyes) I m on a boat! I don t like boats! They sink! COUSIN HEBE (fiercely) No they don't! (suddenly panicking and shouting in a loud voice) We're all going to drown! COUSIN HEBE (to reassuringly) No we won t. Won t we? COUSIN HEBE No we won t! (to ) Now pull yourself together. (to ) I hope you appreciate the honour Sir Joseph has bestowed upon you all by coming here today. He s a very busy man and, while other men study for years to learn their profession, Sir Joseph never studied at all! Hushed gasps from the other COUSINS. And I don t like boats! COUSIN HEBE Sir Joseph! DEADEYE Who is this bossy bint? COUSIN HEBE (to ) My good man - if that is what you are - I am Sir Joseph s favourite cousin, Hebe. (bowing) Charmed, darlin Page 28

38 COUSIN HEBE Well, really! (to ) Look just tell them who you are. COUSIN HEBE pushes him forward. He struggles to gain his composure but he manages it. He puts his monocle in his eye. He is the Lord of The Water again. Music 9: Song - I Am The Monarch Of The Sea I AM THE MONARCH OF THE SEA, THE RULER OF THE QUEEN'S NAVEE, WHOSE PRAISE GREAT BRITAIN LOUDLY CHANTS. COUSIN HEBE AND WE ARE HIS SISTERS, AND HIS COUSINS, AND HIS AUNTS! RELATIVES AND WE ARE HIS SISTERS, AND HIS COUSINS, AND HIS AUNTS! HIS SISTERS, AND HIS COUSINS, AND HIS AUNTS! WHEN AT ANCHOR HERE I RIDE, MY BOSOM SWELLS WITH PRIDE, AND I SNAP MY FINGERS AT AN ENEMY S TAUNTS; COUSIN HEBE AND SO DO HIS SISTERS, AND HIS COUSINS, AND HIS AUNTS! AND SO DO HIS SISTERS, AND HIS COUSINS, AND HIS AUNTS! HIS SISTERS, AND HIS COUSINS, AND HIS AUNTS! BUT WHEN THE BREEZES BLOW, I GENERY GO BELOW, AND SEEK THE SECLUSION THAT A CABIN GRANTS; COUSIN HEBE AND SO DO HIS SISTERS, AND HIS COUSINS, AND HIS AUNTS! AND SO DO HIS SISTERS, AND HIS COUSINS, AND HIS AUNTS! AND SO DO HIS SISTERS, AND HIS COUSINS, AND HIS AUNTS! HIS SISTERS AND HIS COUSINS, WHOM HE RECKONS UP BY DOZENS, AND HIS AUNTS! takes off his water wings and rubber ring and gives them to COUSIN HEBE. Page 29

39 Music 9a: Song - When I Was A Lad WHEN I WAS A LAD I SERVED A TERM AS OFFICE BOY TO AN ATTORNEY'S FIRM. I CLEANED THE WINDOWS AND I SWEPT THE FLOOR, AND I POLISHED UP THE HANDLE OF THE BIG FRONT DOOR. HE POLISHED UP THE HANDLE OF THE BIG FRONT DOOR. I POLISHED UP THAT HANDLE SO CAREFULLY THAT NOW I AM THE RULER OF THE QUEEN'S NAVEE! HE POLISHED UP THAT HANDLE SO CAREFULLY THAT NOW HE IS THE RULER OF THE QUEEN'S NAVEE! AS OFFICE BOY I MADE SUCH A MARK THAT THEY GAVE ME THE POST OF A JUNIOR CLERK. I SERVED THE WRITS WITH A SMILE SO BLAND, AND I COPIED THE LETTERS IN A BIG ROUND HAND. HE COPIED THE LETTERS IN A BIG ROUND HAND. I COPIED THE LETTERS IN A HAND SO FREE, THAT NOW I AM THE RULER OF THE QUEEN'S NAVEE! HE COPIED THE LETTERS IN A HAND SO FREE, THAT NOW HE IS THE RULER OF THE QUEEN'S NAVEE! IN SERVING WRITS I MADE SUCH A NAME THAT AN ARTICLED CLERK I SOON BECAME; I WORE CLEAN COLLARS AND A BRAND-NEW SUIT FOR THE PASS EXAMINATION AT THE INSTITUTE. FOR THE PASS EXAMINATION AT THE INSTITUTE. AND THAT PASS EXAMINATION DID SO WELL FOR ME, THAT NOW I AM THE RULER OF THE QUEEN'S NAVEE! AND THAT PASS EXAMINATION DID SO WELL FOR HE, Page 30

40 THAT NOW HE IS THE RULER OF THE QUEEN'S NAVEE! OF LEGAL KNOWLEDGE I ACQUIRED SUCH A GRIP THAT THEY TOOK ME INTO THE PARTNERSHIP. AND THAT JUNIOR PARTNERSHIP, I WEEN, WAS THE ONLY SHIP I EVER HAD SEEN. THE ONLY SHIP HE EVER HAD SEEN. BUT THAT KIND OF SHIP SO SUITED ME, THAT NOW I AM THE RULER OF THE QUEEN'S NAVEE! BUT THAT KIND OF SHIP SO SUITED HE, THAT NOW HE IS THE RULER OF THE QUEEN'S NAVEE! I GREW SO RICH THAT I WAS SENT BY A POCKET BOROUGH INTO PARLIAMENT. I ALWAYS VOTED AT MY PARTY'S C, AND I NEVER THOUGHT OF THINKING FOR MYSELF AT. HE NEVER THOUGHT OF THINKING FOR HIMSELF AT. I THOUGHT SO LITTLE, THEY REWARDED ME BY MAKING ME THE RULER OF THE QUEEN'S NAVEE! HE THOUGHT SO LITTLE, THEY REWARDED HE BY MAKING HIM THE RULER OF THE QUEEN'S NAVEE! On the button of the song, salute the audience. ENCORE (walking downstage and singing directly to the audience) NOW LANDSMEN, WHOEVER YOU MAY BE, IF YOU WANT TO RISE TO THE TOP OF THE TREE, IF YOUR SOUL ISN'T FETTERED TO AN OFFICE STOOL, BE CAREFUL TO BE GUIDED BY THIS GOLDEN RULE BE CAREFUL TO BE GUIDED BY THIS GOLDEN RULE Page 31

41 STICK CLOSE TO YOUR DESKS AND NEVER GO TO SEA, AND YOU MAY BE RULERS OF THE QUEEN'S NAVEE! STICK CLOSE TO YOUR DESKS AND NEVER GO TO SEA, AND YOU MAY BE RULERS OF THE QUEEN'S NAVEE! On the button of the song, and all his RELATIVES salute the audience. takes out a large medal and hangs it on his uniform. Dialogue 9 The marches up to and salutes him smartly. Captain Corcoran at your service sir. Splendid. You've never been to sea, Sir Joseph? No, never. SAILORS What, never? Well, hardly ever. But it's wonderful to stand here on the pilchard with a spanker blowing through m' hair and the salty bloaters spinning before their goblets. Ahoy! A seagull passes and drops a 'deposit'. It smacks square in the eye. He yelps and COUSIN HEBE helps him mop up. Yes, it's a man s life, Captain. It is indeed, Sir Joseph. You've a remarkably fine crew, Captain Cormorant. Corcoran, sir. Page 32

42 What? My name s Captain Corcoran, Sir Joseph. Is it? Oh good. Well, as I say, you have a remarkably fine crew, Captain er-er Corcoran, sir. And it is a fine crew, Sir Joseph. (he gets out his speech and begins reading) Welcome to our humble ship, Sir Joseph Porter, Lord of... (snatching it away from him...) Thank you Captain, that was very kind. ( and passing it to COUSIN HEBE) l l read it later. (he examines the MlDSHlPMlTE) A British sailor is a splendid fellow, Captain. Aye, aye, sir. Aye, aye, sir? Ere, ere, sir There, there, sir. A splendid fellow indeed, Sir Joseph. examines, waving his hand in front of his face. Phew! Meanwhile, a SAILOR faints while on parade mumbling something about the heat! (stepping over the fainted SAILOR) I hope you treat your crew kindly, Captain. (also stepping over the fainted SAILOR) Indeed I hope so, Sir Joseph. The two NAUGHTY SAILORS drag the SAILOR away by his heels. Page 33

43 Never forget that they are the bulwarks of England's greatness, Captain Corcoran, So I have always considered them, Sir Joseph. I m a bullock, sir. What?! I m a bullock, sir. A bullock? That s what you said, sir a bullock. I said a bulwark! Yes, sir. Exactly. Oh, er splendid er Seaman Bullock? No, no sir. Seaman Deadeye. Deadeye? How revolting. But Dick to you, sir. And Dick to you too, sirl No, no, I mean Seaman Dick Deadeye. sir. Call me Dick, sir. When? What? Page 34

44 When shall I call you Dick? Any time, sir. Why, I d be honoured, sir. (pointing to his medal) You are already honoured, sir. (interrupting) Can we get on, Sir Joseph? Oh yes. Sorry. Now where was I? Over there, Sir Joseph. Thank you, Seaman er-er That man s a bullock, Captain. So I have always considered him, Sir Joseph. You treat your crew kindly, Captain? No bullying, I trust - no strong language of any kind, eh? Oh, never, Sir Joseph. What, never? The looks at some of his SAILORS, who shake their heads at him. Er, well, hardly ever, Sir Joseph. They are an excellent crew, and do their work thoroughly without it. Don't patronise them, sir - pray, don't patronise them. Certainly not, Sir Joseph. Page 35

45 That you are their captain is an accident of birth. I cannot permit these noble fellows to be patronised because an accident of birth has placed you above them and them below you. I am the last person to insult a British sailor, Sir Joseph. DEADEYE comes forward clumsily. You are the last person who did, Captain. (looking round) Desire that splendid seaman to step forward. (pointing to ) No, no, the other splendid seaman. Ralf Rackstraw Raife. Ralf. Raife. Ralf! Oh, please yourselves. Ralf Rackstraw, three paces to the front march! starts to come forward but waves him back. (sternly) If what? I beg your pardon I don't think I understand you. If you please. Page 36

46 (bewildered) Oh, yes, of course. If you please. steps forward and salutes, stamping his right foot., a little taken aback, inspects him and indicates that he wants him to turn around. does so, stamping his foot again. You're a remarkably fine fellow. (saluting and stamping his foot) Yes, your honour. Not to be outdone, now stamps his right foot also, only to bring it down on his left foot. And a first-rate seaman, I'll be bound. (saluting and stamping his foot) Yes, your honour. goes to stamp his foot again but, remembering the previous disaster, decides better of it. Splendid. There's not a smarter topman in the Navy, your honour, though I say it who shouldn t (The following is said very fast) Who shouldn t? He shouldn t. He shouldn t? I shouldn t. You shouldn t? Shouldn t what? Page 37

47 Shouldn t say it, sir. Shouldn t say it?! What do you say, seaman? (saluting) No sir. I say seaman, sir. No, no. Shouldn t he say shouldn t? No sir. Shouldn t say shouldn t, sir. Shouldn t you? No sir, I shouldn t. Well, don t then. (Should get a good laugh here. Might even get a round.) There's not a smarter topman in your Navy, your honour. Topman? Lookout, sir. reacts as if a train is about to hit him. He jumps and squeals. COUSIN HEBE (calming him) It s his position, not a warning. But he said look out! No sir! I am A look-out, sir. Oh. Page 38

48 A topman, sir. Well, have it your way. And there's not a smarter topman lookout - in your Navy, your honour. That s better. Proper self-respect, nothing more. Can you dance a hornpipe? No, your honour. That's a pity - all sailors should dance hornpipes. The SAILORS start to dance a clumsy hornpipe. (shouting to the SAILORS) Not now! What about you, Captain Crabapple? Corcoran! That's what I said. Can you dance a hornpipe, Captain er... Calipso? No sir. Dear me. I dance it splendidly. COUSIN HEBE (to everyone) Once seen, never forgotten. I will have to teach you one this evening, after dinner, Captain. (turning to ) Now, splendid seaman? (jumping to attention) Yes, sir. Page 39