IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME. An original screenplay by. Nathan Ives

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1 IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME An original screenplay by Nathan Ives Nathan Ives WGA

2 FADE IN: Credits roll over A SERIES OF PICTURES of, cute 33, and, all American, 38. From the pictures they really seem well suited for each other. -At a Halloween party, dressed as Bonnie and Clyde. -A strip of goofy pictures from a photo booth. -In a kitchen, Carrie stands over a pan stirring it, Dave is behind her, arms wrapped around her waist. -In hiking attire, standing on a peak. -At a fancy restaurant posing with two other couples. -On the water in a two person kayak. -On a swing set in the park. -At the zoo, posed in front of the monkey cage, both imitating monkeys. -A self portrait of them kissing. FADE TO BLACK. INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY Dave stands at the counter looking at the menu board. A BARISTA stands across from him waiting, patiently. INT. S VOICES ROOM A well-appointed, large living room with a couch and two armchairs. THE FIVE VOICES IN S HEAD, who reside in their room (Dave s head) and sometimes join him in his world, sit in various places. They are:, thirties, very good looking. LEE, thirties, morose. He wears a black T-shirt with got death? written on it. The look on his face makes Eeyore look like an eternal optimist. BILLY, seven, cute kid.

3 2., thirty-something, very cute in a girl next door kind of way., mid-thirties, conservative, khakis and a button down. His iphone is close at hand on a belt clip. INTERCUT AS NEEDED Sorry...let s see here... Get a chai latte with extra whipped cream, I m in the mood for something sweet. I ll have a chai latte with extra whipped cream. (to Dave, coughs) Pussy drink. (and) The way you ve been eating lately you won t be able to see your penis soon and girls find that really attractive. It s also kind of expensive, you could save almost two dollars with a green tea. It may not seem like much now, but over time it really adds up. You know what, sorry, let me get an iced green tea, no sweetener. Dave hears a coughing sound at a nearby table. AT A TABLE

4 3. An old customer sits wiping his nose with a hanky, he then goes back to his crossword puzzle. He has a blanket in his lap. BACK TO SCENE LEE I wonder what it feels like knowing that if you re really lucky you have five Christmases left, but you could also drop dead in the coffee shop today. BILLY I want some lemon cake. And a piece of lemon cake. Neil mimes looking for his penis. Andrew rubs his fingers together, signing money. (CONT D) I m sorry, you know what, no cake, just the tea. Billy starts to sniffle and a tear rolls down his cheek. (CONT D) Actually, the cake, too. Thank you. You going to whip out a coupon and your checkbook to pay for that, sport? (to Neil) What s wrong with coupons? (to Andrew) They re lame.

5 4. Dave looks back, there are five people in line behind him giving him that look. AT A TABLE Dave sits with his friend JEFF, mid-thirties. I m going to break up with Carrie. JEFF What? Why? She wants the whole marriage and kids thing and I m just not ready to take that step. I feel guilty wasting anymore of her time. JEFF Is she pressuring you? Yes...well, no, but it s been almost two years. It s coming, I can feel it. I can t sleep, I ve got acid reflux, and I m constantly imagining myself out of the relationship. It s making me crazy. JEFF Three months ago you were ready to move in with her. I know, that s the thing, I just keep going back and forth and back and forth. I m going nuts, I just need to end it. JEFF Considering your track record, this may be wasted breath, but it s a mistake to break up with her. It s not Carrie, it s you. Dave is clearly distraught, knows Jeff is right.

6 5. EXT. SIDEWALK - PASADENA - DAY Dave walks with intent, a couple of yards behind his voices follow him in a small pack. Neil runs ahead and catches up with Dave. It s only been two years, you can still do the manly thing and just stop calling. Yeah, right, I can t do that to her. Neil drops back with the pack. As Sandy tries to run ahead to Dave, Neil trips her and she falls. (to Neil) Real mature, asshole. Sandy gets up and moves to Dave. (CONT D) Are you going to tell her that you need your freedom? That it s really not her, it s you? That it may not seem like it now but it s the best for both of you? (and) Or are you going to tell her the truth: that you re too much of a coward to really commit? That you just wasted two years of her life when she could have been out there meeting a man who would give her what she s always wanted! I don t know. Probably the freedom thing. Chill out, will you? Sandy drops back, and Billy, the seven-year-old, moves forward to Dave. BILLY Better do it now. If you don t do it now she s going to leave you just like Mom did. Don t want that to happen because that wasn t fun. (MORE)

7 6. BILLY (CONT'D) Or like the time in college when you walked in on John Dunkle playing horsey with your soul mate. That wasn t fun either. Thanks, that visual is one of my favorites. Billy falls back. Lee moves up to Dave. Lee falls back. LEE What does it matter? You re going to die eventually and the world will just go on. Think of the number of people in history who have been completely forgotten. Billions. A few will be remembered, Jesus, Elvis, maybe Tom Cruise, albeit for all the wrong reasons, but not you, you ve really had no impact of any significance on the world and, given your advanced age, it s not likely you will. Neil licks his finger and sticks it in Sandy s ear, she reacts. (to Neil) Will you grow up?! Talk about arrested development. Andrew breaks away from the pack and moves up to Dave. You re horrible with money. And when you re too old to work, you have no excuse to put on your homeless sign. You re not disabled, you re not a veteran, and you re not a single parent. You ll starve. Carrie is very fiscally responsible, you d be much better off with her 401(k) by your side.

8 7. (to Andrew) Come on, I ve got a good job and I m not that bad with money. Andrew gives him a look. Is that why you keep getting calls from random numbers in the midwest with a very important message concerning your account? Whatever. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY A large, modern apartment building. EXT. S APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - DAY Dave approaches the door and pauses. Neil moves quickly forward. Go find a place close by and rub one out. Then during the eight minute emotional flat line, break up with her and get out. It ll all be a blur, you won t feel a thing. (from the back, sarcastic) There s a middle school across the street, just go over there. Unbelievable. Suddenly, Billy breaks into tears. (to Billy) What s the matter? I thought you said to break it off? BILLY I m not ready. It makes me sad. I I don t want to by myself.

9 8. (to Billy) Jesus, we ve been through this. You cry when we get too close and you cry when we get too far. What the...? Don t be so mean. He s just a kid. Lee leans down close to Billy. LEE (to Billy) Nothing matters. Andrew pulls a ten dollar bill out of his wallet, leans down and hands it to Billy. Feel better? Billy sniffles, wipes his nose on his sleeve, and nods. Sandy kneels beside him, comforting him, and gives Lee and Andrew a mean look. INT. S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - DAY Carrie adds cheese to the top of a pan of lasagna before sliding it into the oven. Dave enters, His voices have disappeared. Hey, baby. Dave automatically moves to her and kisses her. Hey sweets, God that smells good. Carrie wipes her hands on a towel and hugs Dave. I really missed you today. You don t miss me every day?

10 9. Not so much. Most days I m too focused on my other boyfriend. Is he sweet and charming like me? (closing the oven, unaffected) No, but he s got a huge cock. Dave smiles and rolls his eyes. Carrie presses the button on a food processor, nothing happens. (CONT D) What s wrong with this thing? I just shredded the cheese with it ten minutes ago. Dave gets up and moves to her. He presses a few buttons, wiggles the cord in the back, then unplugs it. He looks at the outlet and presses the breaker button. Outlet breaker tripped. He plugs the food processor back in, presses the button, and it works. Carrie wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him. My knight in shining armor, whatever would I do without you? INT. S VOICES ROOM Neil is leaned back on the couch, legs spread, and scratches himself. BACK TO SCENE You re about to find out! More like rusted armor.

11 10. You d have figured it out. Maybe. You would have. CUT TO: INT. S VOICES ROOM Dave is now in the room and paces back and forth. No, she wouldn t have. Enough of the cutesy bullshit. Will you please grow a pair and get this over with? Sleeping on the cold, wet concrete when you re seventy-five is going to be really uncomfortable. Neil rolls his eyes. I like the way you don t let on that anything is wrong. It s really mature. Lead her on, lead her on, lead her on...and then WHAM! Like a fucking freight train she never knew was coming. (to Sandy) Will you stop already? I m just...you know... A coward? Pussy. I m just finding the right time.

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