- PERUSAL PACK - SPAM is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods, LLC

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1 - PERUSAL PACK - SPAM is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods, LLC Book and Lyrics by ERIC IDLE Music by JOHN DU PREZ & ERIC IDLE From the original screenplay by Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones and Michael Palin 570 Seventh Avenue, Suite 2100 New York, NY toll-free fax wwwtheatricalrightscom Like us! wwwfacebookcom/theatricalrightsworldwide Follow The materials contained herein are copyrighted by the authors, are not for sale, and may only be used for the single specifically licensed live theatrical production for which they were originally provided Any other use, transfer, reproduction or duplication including print, electronic or digital media is strictly prohibited by law 9/7/12

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3 MONTY PYTHON S SPAMALOT is Ideal for Your Theatre Here s Why: Winner of the Tony Award for Best Musical and the Grammy Award for BEST MUSICAL Album! A Proven Box Office King! When a show is completely sold out for every performance before its opening weekend, that s an instant no-brainer If you love musical theater, drop what you re doing now and make reservations for Musical Theatre West s production of Monty Python s Spamalot Shirle Gottlieb, Long Beach Gazette Easy to Produce! It really worked in our 75 seat theater! We simplified the set into one moving castle section, which traveled the stage to accommodate the scenic needs Joe Zingo, ACE, Eugene, OR Perfect for ANY Theatre! SPAMALOT enoys huge success with High Schools and Community Theatres! Team TRW has made optional APPROVED CHANGES to the script allowing your audience, performers and school board to rest assured this show fits your needs Flexible Casting! Besides THE LADY OF THE LAKE, her LAKER GIRLS, and the five chorus/ensemble numbers that already involve female cast members, you can cast many different roles with women that were originally played by men in the Broadway production ALL authorized SPAMALOT artwork is provided with your Available license PLUS, included with our Enhanced Logo Pack Production Production CD you can get the VOICE and VIDEO of Enhancement Monty Python s ERIC IDLE playing the role of GOD, Tools! which you may easily use in your production, making him an official cast member!

4 GO! ShowGO Essential Production Tools from TRW State of the Art Rehearsal Accompaniment with Customizable rehearsal tracks for your entire cast to share on Mac, PC, or ios devices! GO World Class Performance Tracks with The best sounding performance tracks available with dynamic flexibility to incorporate your changes! GO Customized Key Changes On-Demand with Transposition Express GO Change the key to suit your performer s range! Box Office & Ticketing Services with Affordable BroadwayQuality Video Spots with GO GO Inspire your audience with powerful Internet and TV spots created specifically to promote your production TicketLeap provides a smart, seamless online ticketing service geared towards schools, regional and community theatres! To get rolling go to: Check out Show GO Tools now at wwwtheatricalrightscom or call us Toll-Free at (866)

5 SPAMALOT Character Ranges V : V HERBERT: V LANCELOT: V : LADY OF THE LAKE: & V b GALAHAD: V PATSY:

6 A Resource for High School Productions I More Female Roles: The most frequently asked question is, How can I use more female actors in SPAMALOT? Besides THE LADY OF THE LAKE, her LAKER GIRLS, and the five chorus/ensemble numbers that already involve female cast members, here are some additional suggestions for expanding the use of female cast members The following roles might also be played by women (as women or as women playing men): 1 THE HISTORIAN 2 DENNIS GALAHAD'S MOTHER (usually played by a male actor) 3 THE FRENCH TAUNTERS 4 THE MONKS 5 SIR S MINSTRELS 6 THE KNIGHTS OF NI (female cast members played these roles on Broadway) 7 THE VOICE OF GOD 8 SIR BORS 9 TIM THE ENCHANTER II The Voice of GOD: With each license agreement to produce SPAMALOT, you will receive a "Production CD" that will contain a set of logos as well as Eric Idle's pre-show announcement and his Voice of GOD audio tracks So when listing the cast in your program you can write: GOD Eric Idle III Props: A complete prop list can be found on the MONTY PYTHON S SPAMALOT page on our website, if you click the green Resources button IV Proections: TRW is working on a simple proection package for those that want to use one However, you should be aware that Eric Idle feels that the proections are not necessary Eric said, If anyone wants to create their own, that s fine V The Cow: If launching a cow over the wall becomes problematic, a number of rubber chickens catapulted over the wall might also work If a source to purchase an inflatable cow can be found, that information will be posted on the SPAMALOT Resources page on the TRW website

7 VI The BLACK KNIGHT: In the BLACK KNIGHT scene, you could end it after his arms have been removed without having to come up with a complicated way to remove the legs A few costume companies are looking onto creating a BLACK KNIGHT costume that can be rented As soon as one becomes available the rental information will be posted on the SPAMALOT Resources page on the TRW website The following are answers to specific questions in the script: Act One p 1 HISTORIAN in lieu of proections, an easel and illustration board could be used by the HISTORIAN Song 2 Fisch Schlapping Song Bright clothing and dancing with fish alone should be enough to show Finland without the need for scenery p 6 can say Bug off instead of Bugger Off p 9 You may change shit to dung Song 6 The Lady of the Lake If trap doors are not available or another elaborate onstage entrance, the LADY OF THE LAKE and her LAKER GIRLS might enter from the back of the house p 25 If necessary you can cut the FROG bit as well as the lettering on girl s panties p 26 You do not have to have a chandelier A similar effect could be done with a lighting special p 35 THE LADY OF THE LAKE does not have to do a strip tease What is important is that she is preparing for her Diva moment p 37 If spelling CAMLTOE presents a problem, the following anagrams are also acceptable: CLAM TOE, CALM TOE, ACME LOT, CAT MOLE (or create your own) In Scene 8, budgets (or a lack of fly space) may restrict the ability to lower a wheel of fortune table Lighting, costumes, and props should be able to demonstrate the Las Vegas style of Camelot without the game wheel If there is no wheel, you can cut the line we won! Colorful plumes, twinkling lights, light shows, etc will give it the over the top look p 38 The Feet of God are not necessary GOD S offstage voice with reverb and light special should be enough p 38 You may replace (or mute) the word pissing, and if absolutely necessary, drop the line And stop looking up my skirt p 39 If you are not using proections, The Grail could be dropped in on fly bar, or THE HISTORIAN could display another illustration of The Grail p 39 You may change I m God, you stupid tit! to I m God, you stupid twit! You may also cut the word Jesus!

8 p 39 Instead of a NASA liftoff for GOD, a sound effect or nothing at all will be fine Song 14 Find Your Grail You can create a few more female soloists by breaking up the LADY OF THE LAKE s solo between the LADY OF THE LAKE and a few LAKER GIRL soloists p 42 The cut out mountain can be very simple and small But depending upon the size of your stage and availability of steps, they can also walk down off the stage and across the audience p 44 Instead of a painted cyclorama or any elaborate scenery, have one character from each country visited (in traditional costume) hold up a welcome sign (ie Welcome to China Egypt Welcomes You ) as the knights pass quickly SR to SL and back again (new country/character each pass) If costumes are a problem, you might consider adding Finland (to reuse a costume from the Fisch Schlapping Song) p 45 You may cut the line by the Taunter, The French Bastard p 46 You may cut the line by the Taunter, I wave my private parts at your aunties p 47 You may replace hell with heck p 49 To save on costumes, you can adapt the French people entering to look at wooden rabbit But it would be better to simplify it rather than cut it It s a great bit especially Eponine from Les Miz and the mime p 50 You may replace the cow with rubber chickens or something else safer/easier to throw A few directors are looking for inflatable cows If one is found, we will place it on our website p 52 Before Intermission - as mentioned earlier, the proections are not necessary Act Two p 54 If the budget doesn t allow a forest, it could be funny to have ust one tree placed onstage to suggest the forest A large price tag on the tree instead of the proection of dollar signs ($$) would be fine p 55 You may replace hell with heck Song 18 Always Look on the Bright Side of Life You may replace the lyric, Life s a piece of shit, when you look at it with something like Life s a piece of dung, though you ve ust begun Song 19 Brave Sir Robin If necessary you may cut the third verse ( His head smashed in and his heart ), ending after verse two After sees the BLACK KNIGHT and runs off, you can also end verse 4 with Who soiled his pants and then ran away (cutting he simply shat himself instead ) p 63 You may replace bastard with knight on S line Look, you stupid bastard

9 p 64 You may change BLACK KNIGHTS line from, It s ust a flesh wound You yellow bastard! I ll bite your legs off! You chickenshit, lily livered, upper class twit to It s ust a flesh wound You yellow belly! I ll bite your legs off! You re a lily livered upper class twit p 66 You may stop song after first line He was running away and chickening out, and cut and buggering off and pissing off home Song 20 You Won t Succeed on Broadway If this song presents a problem in your community, contact Jim Hoare, imh@theatricalrightscom or Julie Abdelahad, uliea@theatricalrightscom, and ask for a copy of You Won t Succeed in Showbiz p 87 You may cut you bastard from Lance s line Song 24 His Name Is Lancelot This song can be cut if absolutely necessary However we would recommend toning it down rather than cut it altogether The codpiece and banana are not necessary Use your own creative staging and have fun with it p 90 If you decide to use You Won t Succeed in Showbiz instead of You Won t Succeed on Broadway, you will notice that script changes are included that deal with no longer looking for Jews p 92 In song 25, I m All Alone, PATSY s lyrics Oh, no, you're not I'm here, you twat can be changed to Oh, no, you're not I'm all you ve got p 96 TIM does not have to fly at all If TIM was sitting on top of a visible 6 ladder on a rolling cart, the line What manner of man are you that hovers in the air without strings or visible supporting device? is ust as funny p 98 You may change s line from You tit! to You twit! p 99 You may replace Jesus Christ with Blimey or another acceptable expletive p 101 If necessary, you may cut after the line, And now the Congregation shall rise and sing Hymn 101 with cutting MAYNARD off saying, There s no time for that p 101 If your Theatre uses General Admission seating instead of numbered seating, you will have to use one of the alternatives that follow: GENERAL ADMISSION SEATING 1 DC GENERAL ADMISSION SEATING 2 CURT-C p 105 You may change Holy shit to Holy cow p 110 The confetti cannon is not necessary This scene can be staged much less extravagantly

10 GENERAL ADMISSION SEATING 1 DC Arthur tosses the Holy Hand Grenade and the Rabbit blows up, and the mound falls over revealing the letters DC Behind is a disgruntled rabbit puppet operator, blackened with soot BEDEVERE: : BEDEVERE: LANCELOT: : LANCELOT: BEDEVERE: : GALAHAD: : BEDEVERE: : BEDEVERE: : Behold, sire, the clue DC! DC? That s a bit cryptic isn t it? Perhaps it s a location Washington DC! Like in that Nicholas Cage film! GOD can t expect us to travel to Washington DC right now! We could take Amtrak and be back in no time I m sure these good people won t mind waiting a bit We didn t travel this far to get on a train! Could DC mean Direct Current AC/DC? Oh that s good But sire, maybe it is a location after all a stage location I suppose it could be But where, exactly? Well we would need to find something Down Center DC, Down Center They are staring straight into the audience GALAHAD: : It s probably right under our feet (Prays) O Lord we are a bit stumped on the clue thing and we beseech thee to give us a hand An enormous hand of God appears, and points into the audience : Of course It is in the audience- Front Row - Center!

11 GENERAL ADMISSION SEATING 2 CURT-C Arthur tosses the Holy Hand Grenade and the Rabbit blows up, and the mound falls over revealing the letters CURT-C Behind is a disgruntled rabbit puppet operator, blackened with soot BEDEVERE: : BEDEVERE: LANCELOT: : LANCELOT: BEDEVERE: : GALAHAD: : BEDEVERE: : BEDEVERE: : Behold, sire, the clue CURT-C! CURT-C? That s a bit cryptic isn t it? Perhaps it s a command! We must curtsy to find the grail Oooh! I ll show you how it s done I do not believe GOD ALMIGHTY is asking us to curtsy! What else could it be sir? Perhaps he was dying dramatically and he wrote Curtains! Well he d hardly bother to carve that in the rock Could it be something near the curtains? Oh that s good Sire, maybe it could be a location Well it could be but how would that help? Well we would need to find something at the center of the Curtain CURT-C They are staring straight into the audience GALAHAD: : It s probably right under our feet (Prays) O Lord we are a bit stumped on the clue thing and we beseech thee to give us a hand An enormous hand of God appears, and points into the audience : Of course It is in the audience- Front Row - Center!

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13 Monty Python s SPAMALOT Book & Lyrics by ERIC IDLE Music by JOHN DU PREZ & ERIC IDLE From the original screenplay by Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Michael Palin Original Broadway Production produced by Boyett Ostar Productions, The Shubert Organization, Arielle Tepper Madover, Stephanie McClelland/Lawrence Horowitz, Elan V McAllister/Allan S Gordon, Independent Producers Network, Roy Furman, GRS Associates, Jam Theatricals, TGA Entertainment & Live Nation

14 THE PLACE Medieval England and Here THE TIME 932AD and Now CHARACTERS KING (Late 30s-60s): The King of England who sets out on a quest to form the Knights of the Roundtable and find the Holy Grail Great Humor Good singer SIR (30s-40s): A Knight of the Roundtable Ironically called 'Sir Robin the Brave,' though he couldn't be more cowardly Joins the Knights for the singing and dancing Also plays GUARD 1 and BROTHER MAYNARD, a long-winded monk SIR LANCELOT d/b/a LANCE (30s-40): A Knight of the Roundtable He is fearless to a bloody fault but through a twist of fate, does discover his 'softer side' This actor MUST be great with character voices and accents, as he also plays THE FRENCH TAUNTER, an arrogant, condescending, over-the-top Frenchman, the KNIGHT OF NI, an absurd, cartoonish leader of a peculiar group of Knights, and TIM THE ENCHANTER, a ghostly being with a Scottish accent PATSY (30s-40s:) King Arthur's horse and servant Underappreciated but always longing for King Arthur's approval Good, funny, physical mover with some tap dancing Also plays MAYOR, a olly red-faced man who advertises the merits of his home town and the drunken, useless GUARD 2 SIR GALAHAD (30s): A Knight of the Roundtable Begins as Dennis, a lower class 'mud gatherer' who becomes Knighted and transforms into the dashing Sir Galahad Also plays PRINCE HERBERT'S FATHER, a wealthy, brutish Yorkshireman man at odds with his sensitive son, THE BLACK KNIGHT who is always ready to duel despite multiple inuries Strong baritenor singing required SIR BEDEVERE (20s-40s): A Knight of the Roundtable An inept scholar Also plays DENNIS GALAHAD'S MOTHER, a shrill peasant woman, and CONCORDE, Sir Lancelot's horse No solo singing THE LADY OF THE LAKE (20s-30s):A Diva Strong, beautiful, possesses mystical powers The leading lady of the show Great singing voice is essential, as she must be able to sing effortlessly in many styles and vocal registers Especially seeking actresses of all races for this role THE FOLLOWING ROLES ARE PLAYED BY THE SAME ACTOR (20s-30s): Tenor singing required Very good mover Good supporting role HISTORIAN: A tweedy academic

15 NOT DEAD FRED: A sickly little fellow who, despite others' beliefs, claims he is "not yet dead" FRENCH GUARD: The condemnatory French sidekick to the French Taunter MINSTREL: In Sir Robin's band PRINCE HERBERT: The hopeful and frilly prince who loves to sing and pines for his love atop a tower SIR NOT APPEARING may double as THE DANCING MONK A MALE DANCER appears as THE DANCING NUN THE VOICE OF GOD may be pre-recorded TWO FRENCH GUARDS are two of the MALE ENSEMBLE 'S MINSTRELS are also ENSEMBLE: 2 MEN, 1 WOMAN SIR BORS is MALE ENSEMBLE ENSEMBLE: Six men and six women

16 MUSICAL NUMBERS Overture ACT I "Fisch Schlapping Song" Mayor, Villagers, Historian "Monk's Chant" Monks "King Arthur's Song" King Arthur & Patsy "Monk's Chant" "He is Not Dead Yet" Man, Lance, Robin and Bodies "Dead Play Off" All "Come With Me" The Lady of the Lake "Laker Girls" King Arthur, Patsy and the Laker Girls "The Song That Goes Like This" Sir Galahad and The Lady of the Lake "All for One! King Arthur, Patsy, Robin, Lancelot, Galahad and Bedevere "Knights of the Round Table" King Arthur, Patsy and his Knights, The Lady of the Lake, and The Camelot Dancers "The Song That Goes Like This" (Reprise) The Lady of the Lake and Ensemble "Find Your Grail" The Lady of the Lake, King Arthur, Patsy, Robin, Lancelot, Galahad, Bedevere, Knights and Grail Girls "Run Away " The Taunter, French Guards, King Arthur, Patsy, Robin, Lancelot, Galahad, Bedevere, French Citizens ACT II "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" Patsy, King Arthur, Knights and The Knights of Ni "Brave Sir Robin" Sir Robin and his Minstrels "You Won't Succeed on Broadway" Sir Robin and Ensemble "The Diva's Lament" The Lady of the Lake "Where Are You?" Prince Herbert "Here Are You!" Prince Herbert "His Name Is Lancelot" Lancelot, Prince Herbert and Ensemble "I'm All Alone" King Arthur, Patsy and Knights "The Song That Goes Like This" (Reprise) Lady of the Lake and King Arthur "The Grail" King Arthur, Patsy, and his Knights "We Are Not Yet Wed" (Reprise) Girls, Knights, Ensemble "Always Look on The Bright Side of Life" (Reprise) The Company

17 I-1 0 Prelude 1 Overture ACT I (A mighty Portcullis occupies the stage which may be used for proections The Proscenium has two medieval towers either side with an arched doorway and a practical window above) Scene One: The Mighty Portcullis (A very sober looking bow-tied HISTORIAN with horn rimmed glasses ENTERS A map of England appears on the Portcullis with skulls in various places, like a Medieval weather map If proection is used this may be animated) 1A Introduction HISTORIAN England 932 AD A Kingdom divided To the West the Anglo-Saxons, to the East the French Above nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland In Gwynned, Powys, and Dyfed Plague In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, and Essex and Kent Plague In Mercia and the two Anglias Plague: with a 50% chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour Legend tells of an extraordinary leader, who arose from the chaos, to unite a troubled kingdom (A Terry Gilliam-like cartoon picture of KING proected or revealed) HISTORIAN (CONT'D) A man with a vision who gathered Knights together in a Holy Quest This man was Arthur, King of the Britons For this was England! 2 Fisch Schlapping Song (The Portcullis flies away to reveal )

18 I-2 Scene Two: Moose Village (A pretty woodland set; brightly lit with a painted mountain back drop with pine trees The Stage side panels are pine trees There is a log cabin This is Finland The stage is filled with extremely silly people in highly colored Scandinavian costumes, singing and dancing in a very daft folklorique way) ENSEMBLE FINLAND, FINLAND, FINLAND THAT'S THE COUNTRY FOR ME! MAYOR FINLAND IS THE COUNTRY WHERE WE DANCE FINLAND IS THE COUNTRY WHERE WE PLAY HERE IN FINLAND BOY AND GIRL CAN FIND A TRUE ROMANCE IN TRADITIONAL SCANDINAVIAN WAY ALL SCHLIP SCHLAP SCHLIP AND SCHLAP AWAY SCHLIP SCHLAP SCHLAP AWAY ALL DAY SCHLIP SCHLAP YOU SIMPLY CAN'T GO WRONG IN TRADITIONAL FISH SCHLAPPING SONG (The BOYS proudly produce two tiny fish, one in each hand and as they advance they slap the GIRLS across their cheeks Everybody grins idiotically as if this was tremendous fun After two advances the GIRLS produce a huge fish and hit the BOYS across their heads knocking them flat FX: Sound effect hit) SCHLIP SCHLAP SCHLIP AND SCHLAP AWAY SCHLIP SCHLAP ALL MAYOR ALL

19 I-3 SCHLAP AWAY ALL DAY SCHLIP SCHLAP MAYOR ALL I said England! Oh, sorry Oops (etc) MAYOR YOU SIMPLY CAN'T GO WRONG IN TRADITIONAL FISH SCHLAPPING SONG TWO SINGERS FINLAND FINLAND FINLAND THE COUNTRY WHERE I QUITE WANT TO BE PONY TREKKING OR CAMPING OR JUST WATCHING TV FINLAND FINLAND FINLAND THAT'S THE COUNTRY FOR ME! MAN 1 MAN 2 ALL (HISTORIAN ENTERS in disbelief) HISTORIAN CHORUS (The Finland set instantly collapses The side panel tree drops are released on cue The painted backdrop falls and the CHORUS push away the log cabin which is labeled National Theater of Finland They ALL EXIT embarrassed The bright lights go out, replaced by smoke and darkness, a bell tolling mournfully and medieval chanting At the back of the stage is a large Medieval castle reaching as high as it can go Before it a practical crenellated bridged archway over a large wooden doored gateway)

20 I-4 Scene Three: Mud Castle (Four cowled and hooded MONKS ENTER chanting, walking slowly across the front of the Stage hitting themselves on their foreheads with large Medieval Bibles) 3 Monk's Chant 1 SACROSANCTUS DOMINE (FX: Clunk) PECAVI IGNOVIUNT (FX: Clunk) IUESUS CHRISTUS DOMINE (FX: Clunk) PAX VOBISCUM VENERUNT (FX: Clunk MONKS MONKS MONKS MONKS Out of the smoke a small cut out castle with flags slides on The sound of approaching horses hooves Steady And over we go A light shines through the Gateway, and "rides" in, pretending to ride an imaginary horse, followed by PATSY, his servant, banging two halves of a coconut together They take a leap) (PATSY makes the appropriate coconut noise for each maneuver) (CONT'D) Well taken, Patsy And canter And trot MORE (They ride round the stage, giving a display of real horsemanship)

21 I-5 And whoa there! Well done Hello? (CONT'D) Hello?! Who goes there? ( reins in the "horse" and surveys the Castle A GUARD appears through a window of the castle wall) 3 King Arthur's Song I AM KING OF THE BRITONS LORD AND RULER OF ALL OF ENGLAND, AND SCOTLAND AND EVEN TINY LITTLE BITS OF GAUL And I'm the Emperor of Norway Bugger off PATSY HE IS KING OF THE BRITONS AND WE ARE OUT SEEKING MEN VERY STRONG MEN AND VERY ABLE TO SIT AROUND OUR VERY, VERY ROUND TABLE What is it you want? I am looking for men I had a feeling We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights to oin me in my court at Camelot I must speak with your lord and master What, ridden on a horse? Yes! You're using coconuts!

22 I-6 What? You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're banging them together So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through Where'd you get the coconut? We found them Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical! What do you mean? Well, this is a temperate zone The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? Not at all, they could be carried What? A swallow carrying a coconut? It could grip it by the husk! It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut Well, it doesn't matter Will you tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?

23 I-7 Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right? Please! Am I right? I'm not interested! (LANCE appears at the opposite window) It could be carried by an African swallow! LANCE Oh, yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point LANCE Oh, yeah, I agree with that Beautiful bird, the African swallow Lovely plumage The plumage don't enter into it And besides, African swallows are non-migratory Oh, yeah LANCE So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway Will you ask your master if he wants to oin my court at Camelot? LANCE Wait a minute, supposing two swallows carried it together? No, they'd have to have it on a line LANCE Well, simple! They'd ust use a strand of creeper! What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? (, despairing of any further sensible conversation gallops off left with PATSY)

24 I-8 Well, why not? Hey! Who was that then? That's a king LANCE LANCE How can you tell? He hasn't got shit all over him

25 I-9 Scene Four: Plague Village (A cart filled with dead bodies pushed by a man in rags enters upstage right, THE DEAD COLLECTOR, ENTERS banging a triangle) 4A Monk's Chant 2 MONKS (OFFSTAGE VOICES, PRE RECORDED) SACROSANCTUS DOMINE (Live) Bring out your Dead! PECAVI IGNOVIUNT Bring out your dead! IUESUS CHRISTUS DOMINE Bring out your dead! Here's one Nine pence I'm not dead! What? PAX VOBISCUM VENERUNT MONKS MONKS MONKS (LANCE ENTERS dragging a small bubo covered MAN, apparently dead, by his feet) Nothing Here's your nine pence LANCE MAN LANCE

26 I-10 I'm not dead! Here, he says he's not dead! MAN Yes, he is I'm not! He isn't Well, he will be soon, he's very ill I'm getting better! LANCE MAN LANCE MAN LANCE No, you're not; you'll be stone dead in a moment I can't take him like that It's against regulations I don't want to go on the cart! Oh, don't be such a baby I can't take him I feel fine! Well, do us a favor I can't MAN LANCE MAN LANCE LANCE Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long Oh, alright Kevin

27 I-11 Thanks, mate LANCE (The CARTER picks up the MAN and carries him towards the cart) But make it quick, I got to get to Camelot by six You're going to Camelot? Yes What, you got a gig? No, I'm going to enlist What, as a Knight? Maybe Well I'll come with you I'm not dead yet LANCE LANCE LANCE LANCE MAN Shut up I fancy some of that fighting Oh, there's fighting is there? LANCE LANCE Quite, a lot of fighting, mate That's what the ob's all about Oh, I see It's not ust dressing up And dancing No, no It's mostly fighting Oh Oh, good LANCE

28 I-12 LANCE Although some of the Scottish regiments might have a bit of dressing up and dancing I'd like to dance MAN LANCE Look, you're not fooling anyone you know 5 I Am Not Dead Yet MAN I feel happy I feel happy (To illustrate how happy he is, he sings:) I AM NOT DEAD YET I CAN DANCE AND I CAN SING I AM NOT DEAD YET I CAN DO THE HIGHLAND FLING I AM NOT DEAD YET NO NEED TO GO TO BED NO NEED TO CALL A DOCTOR 'COS I'M NOT YET DEAD (The FIVE BODIES on the cart quite suddenly sit up and sing) BODIES HE IS NOT YET DEAD THAT'S WHAT THE GEEZER SAID OH HE'S NOT YET DEAD THAT MAN IS OFF HIS HEAD HE IS NOT YET DEAD PUT HIM BACK IN BED KEEP HIM OFF THE CART BECAUSE HE'S NOT YET DEAD (The MAN dances frenetically to show them he is healthy until LANCE whacks him smartly on the head with a shovel from the cart The MAN drops like a stone Beat) BODIES (CONT'D) WELL, NOW HE'S DEAD YOU WHACKED HIM ON THE HEAD SURE NOW HE'S DEAD IT MAKES ME JUST SEE RED YOU ARE SUCH A BRUTE TO MURDER THAT OLD COOT YOU HOMICIDAL BASTARD, NOW HE'S REALLY DEAD

29 I-13 SOME BODIES WHO IS THE KNAVE WHO PUT HIM IN HIS GRAVE OTHER BODIES WHO IS HE? THE REST OF THE BODIES WHO WHO WHO? BODIES AND WHO NEEDS TO MANAGE HIS ANGER? (LANCE menaces them with his shovel) LANCE MY NAME IS LANCELOT I'M BIG AND STRONG AND HOT OCCASION'LLY I DO SOME THINGS THAT I SHOULD NOT I WANT TO BE A KNIGHT BUT I DON'T LIKE TO FIGHT I'M RATHER SCARED I MAY JUST SIMPLY RUN AWAY LANCE I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU, THROUGH AND THROUGH AND THROUGH SO STICK WITH ME AND I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT TO DO WE'LL REMAIN GOOD CHUMS BOTH LANCE YOU CAN TEACH ME HOW TO DANCE WE'RE GOING TO ENLIST I'M AND I'M LANCE BOTH LANCE LANCELOT,, AND BODIES OH, WE'RE OFF TO WAR BECAUSE WE'RE NOT YET DEAD WE WILL ALL ENLIST AS THE KNIGHTS THAT LED

30 I-14 I AM COMING TOO MY NAME WILL BE SIR FRED I'LL BE YOUR MUSICIAN 'COS I'M NOT YET DEAD MAN LANCE TO KILL I WILL IT GIVES ME SUCH A THRILL TO SING AND DANCE AND KEEP AN EYE ON LANCE SOME BODIES OH, WE'RE NOT DEAD YET TO CAMELOT WE GO TO ENLIST INSTEAD TO TRY TO EARN SOME DOUGH AND SO ALTHOUGH WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN BED ALL WE'RE GOING OFF TO WAR WE'LL HAVE GIRLFRIENDS BY THE SCORE MAN WE'LL BE SHOT BY MICHAEL MOORE! (Alternative: WE'LL BE LOYAL TO THE CORPS) 'CAUSE WE'RE NOT YET ALL (EXCEPT MAN) OTHER BODIES (Singing after SOME BODIES) WE ARE NOT YET DEAD OFF TO CAMELOT WE GO TO ENLIST INSTEAD TRY AND EARN A LITTLE DOUGH AND SO ALTHOUGH WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN BED ALL BODIES WE'RE GOING OFF TO WAR BECAUSE WE'RE NOT YET DEAD! (LANCE whacks him over the head again and he drops like a stone) DEAD! NOT YET DEAD! 5A Dead Playoff ALL (CONT'D) (They march off as soldiers to a Marine Corps chant) ALL (CONT'D) LANCE I DON'T KNOW BUT IT'S BEEN SAID MEN I DON'T KNOW BUT IT'S BEEN SAID

31 I-15 LANCE WE'RE OFF TO WAR, WE'RE NOT YET DEAD MEN WE'RE OFF TO WAR, WE'RE NOT YET DEAD (The MAN gets up and follows them off enthusiastically, a soldier too THEY EXIT) LANCE BECOME A KNIGHT AND YOU'LL GO FAR MEN BECOME A KNIGHT AND YOU'LL GO FAR IN SUSPENDERS AND A BRA! IN SUSPENDERS AND A BRA??? LANCE MEN

32 I-16 Over! Old woman! Man! Scene Five: Mud Village ( rides in with PATSY DENNIS GALAHAD ENTERS behind a small traveling mound of mud He has a trowel and is mining for mud) DENNIS Man, sorry What knight lives in that castle over there? I'm twenty seven What? I'm not old! Well, I can't ust call you 'Man' Well, you could say 'Dennis' DENNIS DENNIS DENNIS Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis' DENNIS Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? Look I did say I was sorry about the 'old woman' thing, but really from behind you do look like DENNIS What I obect to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior! Well, I am king DENNIS Oh, king, eh, very nice And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress

33 I-17 MOTHER Dennis, there's a lot of good mud over there Oh how d'you do? How do you do, good lady MOTHER How d'you do I'm Mrs Galahad, widowed mother of Dennis, married to Nobby the Cretin, dropped dead last Tuesday, which does leave me sadly available I am Arthur, King of the Britons King of the who? The Britons Who are the Britons? MOTHER MOTHER Well, we all are We are all Britons and I am your king MOTHER I didn't know we had a king I thought we were an autonomous collective DENNIS You're fooling yourself We're living in a dictatorship A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes MOTHER Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again DENNIS That's what it's all about If only people would Please, please good people I am in haste Who is your lord? We don't have a lord MOTHER DENNIS We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune We take it in turns to act as a sort of an executive officer for the week Yes

34 I-18 DENNIS but each decision of that officer has to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting Yes, I see DENNIS by a simple maority in the case of purely internal affairs Be quiet! DENNIS but by a two-thirds maority in the case of more Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! Oh! Order, eh? Who does he think he is? I am your king! Well, I didn't vote for you You don't vote for kings 6 The Lady Of The Lake Well, how did you become king then? MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER Well, I'll tell you One day, as I was riding forth from Camelot I saw a lady in the lake! Dead? DENNIS No Not dead She was the Lady of the Lake! She lives in the lake What, underwater? Yes DENNIS MORE

35 I-19 (DENNIS indicates to his mother that has been drinking) (CONT'D) She appeared to me out of the bosom of the water Her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, holding aloft Excalibur signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur Excalibur! ( draws his sword It shines mystically Music plays) EXCALIBUR! AH AH! That is why I am your King PATSY CHORUS (OFFSTAGE) (DENNIS and his MOTHER look around to see who sang) DENNIS Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony It's not ust an ordinary sword How many swords have their own names? DENNIS You can't expect to wield supreme executive power ust because some watery tart threw a sword at you! Be quiet! DENNIS If I went around saying I was an emperor ust because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away! Do you think I could make that up? DENNIS Soggy old blondes with their backsides in ponds can't replace the electorate

36 I-20 Very well, since you don't believe me, if I prove to you that the Lady of the Lake exists, will you oin my army and enlist as a knight? DENNIS Oh sure, if she exists, I'll oin any bloody army And for the Tooth Fairy, I'll oin the Navy Very well Watch this

37 I-21 Scene Six: The Lady of the Lake ( walks forward and prays to the LADY OF THE LAKE) O Lady of the Lake, please reveal to this doubting Thomas Dennis DENNIS please reveal to this doubting Dennis that you are real! Cor Blimey! (Dry ice fills the stage Magical music) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH CHORUS (The LADY OF THE LAKE and her LAKER GIRLS, six scantily-clad ladies in fronds, emerge through the floor of the stage on an elevator, or are pushed through the Gateway of the Castle on a dais) DENNIS (The LADY OF THE LAKE steps forward and appeals to young DENNIS) LADY OF THE LAKE COME WITH ME COME WITH ME COME WITH ME, SWEET GALAHAD YOU'LL BE A MAN JOIN 'S CLAN COME WITH ME AND I WILL MAKE YOU GLAD GALAHAD, SWEET GALAHAD BE A KNIGHT IT'S TIME TO TAKE YOUR VOW IF YOU COME WITH ME NOW I'LL SHOW YOU HOW (The LADY OF THE LAKE offers her hand to DENNIS)

38 I-22 OH, WOW DENNIS (Completely entranced, DENNIS takes her hand and follows her off through the Gateway MOTHER recovers from her shock and awe and sees what is happening too late) MOTHER 'Ere, you leave him alone you watery witch Dennis Come back You'll catch a nasty cold in that pond 7 Laker Girls Stand aside, Mrs Galahad, while the Lady of Lake and her Laker Girls welcome your son into my army ( blows a referees whistle The LAKER GIRLS rush forward ripping off their frond dresses to reveal Cheerleader costumes underneath They produce pom-poms and perform a high-kicking clichéd Cheerleader routine for ) I AM KING OF THE BRITONS AND WE'RE SEEKING MEN WHO ARE ABLE AND SO WE'RE RECRUITING DENNIS TO SIT AT OUR VERY, VERY, VERY ROUND TABLE READY? LAKER GIRLS (Chanted like cheerleaders:) OK! K-I-N G-A-R T-H-U-R K-I-N G-A-R- T-H-U-R MORE

39 I-23 LAKER GIRLS (CONT'D) KING KING THE BIGGEST AND THE COOLEST THING WHO'S THE KING? UR WHO'S THE KING? UR A-R-T-H-U-R! LAKER GIRLS LAKER GIRLS (A FROG ENTERS does a cartwheel and EXITS Arthur double takes) LAKER GIRLS (CONT'D) WHO IS NEXT TO ENLIST? DENNIS DENNIS WHO IS? "DEN" IS! PATSY BOTH LAKER GIRLS AND PATSY THE LADY OF THE LAKE WILL MAKE HIM A MAN IF SHE CAN'T DO IT NOBODY CAN WHO WILL HE BE? G-A-L-A-H-A-D AND PATSY LAKER GIRLS (The LAKER GIRLS do backward shoulder stands revealing they each have a letter on the back of their panties) G-A-L-A-H-A LAKER GIRLS (CONT'D)

40 I-24 (MRS GALAHAD lifts her skirt to reveal the letter ) D! MOTHER (PATSY rushes forward with a megaphone) PATSY Tonight, King Arthur presents the Lady of the Lake and the Knighting of Dennis Galahad! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! (A magnificent boat sails in through the Gateway DENNIS stands totally transformed He is no longer dirty muddy DENNIS He is spotless, wearing chain mail armor and a white tunic with the red cross of St George He stands in a stiff pose with his long blonde hair streaming in the wind The LADY OF THE LAKE is at his side, her arms entwined around his waist, gazing up at him adoringly in a classic "Phantom of the Opera" pose From above a chandelier slowly descends GALAHAD and the LADY OF THE LAKE step from the boat and sing an over the top romantic ballad) WOMEN CHORUS 8 The Song that Goes Like This DENNIS ONCE IN EVERY SHOW THERE COMES A SONG LIKE THIS IT STARTS OFF SOFT AND LOW AND ENDS UP WITH A KISS OH, WHERE IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS? (Spoken in rhythm") WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT? WHERE? WHERE? WHERE LADY OF THE LAKE A SENTIMENTAL SONG THAT CASTS A MAGIC SPELL THEY ALL WILL HUM ALONG MORE MEN AH! AH! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

41 I-25 LADY OF THE LAKE (CONT'D) WE'LL OVERACT LIKE HELL OH, THIS IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS (Spoken in rhythm:) YES IT IS YES! YES! BOTH DENNIS NOW WE CAN GO STRAIGHT IN TO THE MIDDLE EIGHT A BRIDGE THAT IS TOO FAR FOR ME LADY OF THE LAKE I'LL SING IT IN YOUR FACE WHILE WE BOTH EMBRACE BOTH AND THEN WE CHANGE THE KEY! DENNIS NOW WE'RE IN TO E THAT'S AWFULLY HIGH FOR ME LADY OF THE LAKE BUT EVERYONE CAN SEE WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN D BOTH FOR THIS IS OUR SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS I'M FEELING VERY PROUD DENNIS LADY OF THE LAKE YOU'RE SINGING FAR TOO LOUD DENNIS THAT'S THE WAY THAT THIS SONG GOES LADY OF THE LAKE YOU'RE STANDING ON MY TOES BOTH SINGING OUR SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS (The song modulates even higher) LADY OF THE LAKE I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S MORE

42 I-26 IT'S FAR TOO LONG, I'M SURE DENNIS LADY OF THE LAKE THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH THIS SONG IT GOES ON AND ON AND ON BOTH FOR THIS IS THE SONG THAT IS TOO LONG (It still continues ) (Spoken) Jesus Christ! God damn it!! DENNIS LADY OF THE LAKE WE'LL BE SINGING THIS TILL DAWN AH! LAKER GIRLS DENNIS YOU'LL WISH THAT YOU WEREN'T BORN AH! LAKER GIRLS LADY OF THE LAKE LET'S STOP THIS DAMN REFRAIN AH! BEFORE WE GO INSANE THE SONG ALWAYS ENDS ENDS LIKE LIKE THIS! LAKER GIRLS BOTH LAKER GIRLS BOTH LAKER GIRLS ALL

43 I-27 Come, kneel Dennis! Come, Dennis Kneel Arise, Sir Galahad! (The final note triggers electrical sparks and destruction of the chandelier) 8A The Song That Goes - Playoff (THE LADY retreats, the GIRLS EXIT, the stage clears leaving, PATSY, and DENNIS) 9 The Knighting Of Galahad DENNIS (GALAHAD kneels while knights him) (CONT'D) GALAHAD Oh, thank you, King Arthur I feel ever so much better now PATSY 'Ere, Dennis, what has she done to your voice? GALAHAD I'm talking properly now, because I am a Knight You're a prat! Yes, but now I'm Sir Prat Come, let us to horse To what? To horse! (Hesitates) PATSY GALAHAD GALAHAD (GALAHAD "mounts" his imaginary horse He "rides" off gingerly, stage right)

44 I-28 PATSY Come on Come on You'll soon get the hang of it 12 All For One

45 I-29 Scene Seven: King Arthur and His Knights (The Portcullis descends as and PATSY ENTER followed one by one by the KNIGHTS The HISTORIAN appears at the window) HISTORIAN And so, King Arthur gathered more Knights together, bringing from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land to sit at the Round Table The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere (BEDEVERE ENTERS flapping his tabard, as if he has ust farted) HISTORIAN (CONT'D) the dashingly handsome Sir Galahad (SIR GALAHAD ENTERS and shakes his blonde mane preciously) HISTORIAN (CONT'D) the homicidally brave Sir Lancelot (LANCELOT ENTERS and gets a little too close to GALAHAD, gripping his arm) HISTORIAN (CONT'D) Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot (SIR ENTERS holding a rubber chicken) HISTORIAN (CONT'D) who slew the vicious chicken of Bristol and who personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill And the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-show Sorry (SIR NOT-APPEARING, a Knight in Spanish armor, ENTERS They all look at him) (HE EXITS sheepishly) SIR NOT HISTORIAN Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the Centuries The Knights of the Round Table! (The KNIGHTS do a soft shoe shuffle and then gather around a camp fire, produced from PATSY'S sack as night falls)

46 I-30 ALL FOR ONE ONE FOR ALL ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL KNIGHTS SOME FOR SOME NONE FOR NONE BEDEVERE GALAHAD SLIGHTLY LESS FOR PEOPLE WE DON'T LIKE LANCELOT AND A LITTLE BIT MORE FOR ME ALL (NOT ) ALL ROUND THIS BLIGHTY LAND WE ARE HIS MIGHTY BAND OOOO OOOO KNIGHTS (NOT ) KING 'S STRONGEST KNIGHTS WE ARE PREPARED TO FIGHT WHOOOO- EVER (KING steps forward to address them around the campfire) Knights, tonight is the night when all my knights unite Tonight we shine a bright light on to a mystery of history: to wit why are we called the Middle Ages when nothing comes after us? Someday, history will speak of a legendary king and his knights of courage and daring ALL FOR ONE ONE FOR ALL FROM HIGH TO LOW FROM BIG TO SMALL KNIGHTS Together, we will bring chivalry to a rude and churlish time But first I thought "Let's go to Camelot!" To Camelot! LANCE AND

47 I-31 To Camelot! GALAHAD, BEDEVERE, AND PATSY And remember, gentlemen What happens in Camelot, stays in Camelot! 13 Knights Of The Round Table

48 I-32 Scene Eight: The Court of Camelot (The garishly lit neon exterior of The Castle of Camelot Like a hotel in Las Vegas, with dancing knights and cocktail maids A beyond over the top Broadway number in the worst possible taste) GIRLS CAMELOT THE TOWN THAT NEVER SLEEPS IT'S CAMELOT! Hello! Welcome to Camelot! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! ALL KNIGHTS BARITONES TENORS BASSES LANCELOT, BEDEVERE, GALAHAD, AND AND THE KNIGHTS WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE WE DANCE WHEN E'ER WE'RE ABLE WE DO ROUTINES AND CHORUS SCENES WITH FOOTWORK IMPECC-ABLE WE DINE WELL HERE IN CAMELOT WE EAT HAM AND JAM AND SPAM A LOT SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM KNIGHTS WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE OUR SHOWS ARE FOR-MID-ABLE BUT MANY TIMES, WE'RE GIVEN RHYMES THAT ARE QUITE UNSING-ABLE WE'RE OPERA MAD IN CAMELOT WE SING FROM THE DIAPHRAGM A LOT

49 I-33 (THE KNIGHTS leap onto the table and perform a Tap Dance Break) One, two, three, huh! ( oins them on the table, but fakes his tap dance, while PATSY bangs the coconuts as if he were tapping) KNIGHTS WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE ALTHOUGH WE LIVE A FABLE WE'RE NOT JUST BUMS WITH ROYAL MUMS WE'VE BRAINS THAT ARE QUITE ABLE WE'VE A BUSY LIFE IN CAMELOT BASS I HAVE TO PUSH THE PRAM A LOT (Four prams pushed in by KNIGHTS open to reveal four SHOWGIRLS in sequins and spangly headgear who perform a dance with a ball and chain, the dreaded spiked ball mace A KNIGHT in shining female body armor ENTERS through the Gateway and performs a strip tease, removing her gauntlets, which she throws to the KNIGHTS, dropping off the front body part, revealing her in a sparkling Cher-like body suit, until finally she tosses her helmet aside which bounces noisily and introduces her) (Hand mike) Ladies and gentlemen The Lady of the Lake! (LADY OF THE LAKE pulls a microphone out of the back of her pants suit and nods to the audience acknowledging their applause in true diva fashion) LADY OF LAKE Thank you thank you so very much (Singing in a very "Vegas" way:) ONCE IN EV'RY SHOW THERE COMES A SONG LIKE THIS IT STARTS OFF SOFT AND LOW AND ENDS UP WITH A KISS OH, WHERE IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS? (Dance: A Nun and a Monk perform a pas de deux of love)

50 I-34 LADY OF THE LAKE FOR THIS IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE (Scats) A WHOP BOP (Etc) (Scats) DOO WHOP A DIDDLE (Etc) LADY OF THE LAKE THEY'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE THEY DANCE WHEN E'ER THEY'RE ABLE THEY'RE KNIGHTS NOT DAYS, BUT KNIGHTS LADY OF THE LAKE LADY OF THE LAKE AND NOT DAWN, NOT DUSK NOT LATE AFTERNOON BUT KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE ROUND TABLE TRY YOUR LUCK IN CAMELOT ALL (KNIGHTS hold shields with letters on They rush forward and spell: MEATLOC) RUN AMUCK IN CAMELOT ALL (CONT'D) (They try again, this time they spell: CAMLTOE) ALL (CONT'D) IT DOESN'T SUCK IN CAMELOT MORE

51 I-35 (Finally they get it right: CAMELOT A Round Table like a Vegas Wheel of fortune descends It buzzes and clicks and then makes a winning sound) ALL (CONT'D) (Spoken) WE WON! (Sung) WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE WE DANCE WHEN E'ER WE'RE ABLE WE DO ROUTINES AND GORY SCENES THAT ARE TOO HOT FOR CABLE WE EAT HAM AND JAM (Spoken:) POW! (Sung:) WE EAT HAM AND JAM AND SPAM-A-LOT! (Spoken) SPAMALOT! 13A Knights Playoff

52 I-36 Scene Nine: At the Feet of God (Loud bolt of lightning and crack of thunder and a very powerful light shines We see two huge feet These are the feet of GOD The KNIGHTS all fall to their knees Holy music plays) GOD Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's people groveling Sorry, Lord!! GOD And don't apologize Every time I try to talk to someone it's, 'sorry this,' and, 'forgive me that,' and, 'I'm not worthy' What are you doing pissing around in Camelot!? Well, we were dancing Lord and What are you doing now? I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord Well, don't And stop looking up my skirt Yes, Lord GOD GOD GOD Right! Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights have a task to make them an example in these dark times Oh, good idea, oh Lord! (More Heavenly music) GOD Of 'course it's a good idea! I'm God, you stupid tit! Jesus! Now this shall be your Quest Behold! The Grail appears proected on the clouds Arthur, this is the Holy Grail Look well For that is your purpose, Arthur, the Quest for the Holy Grail But how will I?

53 I-37 GOD Just find the Grail, okay And get on with it These people don't have all night! (GOD lifts off like a NASA launch Smoke pours out of his feet as they ascend Even more Heavenly music) God be praised! We have a Quest To find the Grail The Quail! BEDEVERE No, the Grail The vessel used at The Last Supper They had a boat at the Last Supper? Was it a sort of Dinner Cruise? The Grail is a Cup God the Almighty and All Knowing has misplaced a cup? Apparently GALAHAD Doesn't sound very plausible If God is all-knowing He must know where it is GALAHAD It does seem very careless There must be other cups he could use Couldn't we ust buy him another one? Look, it's not ust about a missing mug It's a metaphor We must all look for the Grail within us Somebody's swallowed it? Nobody has swallowed it It's a symbol

54 I-38 (Cymbal! make a long suffering looks at the Orchestra pit) Look, ust go and find it (CONT'D) Found it Where? It's right there 14 Find Your Grail (And indeed there is a small Grail standing alone on the stage But as they approach the Grail it begins to rise in the air The Grail continues to rise but now we see it is being held aloft by the LADY OF THE LAKE who emerges from a trap door Or from inside the Gateway if no trap Sacred music)

55 I-39 AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH Scene Ten: The Quest for the Grail The LADY OF THE LAKE sings an over the top ballad, accompanied by her lovely Ladies and their Knights She is perhaps a little too "right on" BASSES LAKER GIRLS BASSES LAKER GIRLS BASSES LAKER GIRLS BASSES LAKER GIRLS LADY OF THE LAKE: IF YOU TRUST IN YOUR SOUL KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE GOAL THEN THE PRIZE YOU WON'T FAIL THAT'S YOUR GRAIL THAT'S YOUR GRAIL SO BE STRONG KEEP RIGHT ON TO THE END OF YOUR SONG DO NOT FAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL LIFE IS REALLY UP TO YOU YOU MUST CHOOSE WHAT TO PURSUE SET YOUR MIND ON WHAT TO FIND MORE

56 I-40 LADY OF THE LAKE (CONT'D) AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO SO KEEP RIGHT TO THE END YOU'LL FIND YOUR GOAL MY FRIEND YOU WON'T FAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL AH! AH! AH! (The CHORUS emerges with banners that read "Support Our Troops" "Quest for the Grail" "Go Arthur" etc The GIRLS hand the KNIGHTS Grail shaped beacons which they wave above their heads like a bad Sixties production, until notices and calls the KNIGHTS together to climb a cut out mountain which slides on) ENSEMBLE KNIGHTS (WITHOUT ) FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL (They descend the mountain only to turn and scamper back, handing their beacons to PATSY remains at the top of the mountain as he speaks the next verse The KNIGHTS all ride their horses in slow-motion as he intones the words seriously) (Spoken in rhythm:) When your life Seems to drift When we all Need a lift Trim your sail You won't fail Find your Grail Find Your Grail (Sings:) LIFE IS REALLY UP TO YOU YOU MUST CHOOSE WHAT TO PURSUE SET YOUR MIND ON WHAT TO FIND

57 I-41 Spring! Summer! Winter! Water! LADY OF THE LAKE AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO, YOU CAN'T DO! (The LADY OF THE LAKE standing in a Terry Gilliam hand holding a large cut out Terry Gilliam hand holding a beacon rises behind the mountain) KNIGHTS AND LADY SO KEEP RIGHT TO THE END YOU'LL FIND YOUR GOAL MY FRIEND YOU WON'T FAIL FIND YOUR GRIAL FIND YOUR GRAIL FIND YOUR GRAIL! 14A In Search Of The Grail ALL WOMEN AND MEN AH SO KEEP RIGHT TO THE END AH, AH FIND YOUR FRIEND AH AH AH (The KNIGHTS break into a tight riding group with in front as two other KNIGHTS alternately bring on labeled buckets which they empty over the group) KNIGHT 1 (Empties pink blossoms over them) KNIGHT 2 (Empties green leaves over them) (Empties snow over them) KNIGHT 1 KNIGHT 2 (The KNIGHTS obect and shove him away

58 I-42 Two other KNIGHTS wrapped in a painted cyclorama unroll a series of landscapes that provide a backdrop for our KNIGHTS to ride by, to the appropriate music cue and PATSY are in China LANCE is sideways in Egypt before a pyramid with a ukulele is in Hawaii before a volcano GALAHAD does a Swiss lederhosen dance in front of snow capped mountains Finally the two bucket KNIGHTS ENTER from opposite sides and sweep the stage clear of scattered debris They stare at the audience totally disinterested)