COLLECTED PUNS. mystic hexed by halitosis, supercalloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Transcription

1 1. A backward poet writes inverse. 2. A bicycle can t stand on its own because it is two-tired. 3. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 4. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 5. A dog walks into a saloon in the Old West hopping on three legs. He slides up to the bar and announces, I m looking for the man who shot my paw. 6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 7. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I Must Have Taken Leif Off My Census." 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a Little Patient." 11. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with Transporting Gulls Across Sedate Lions For Immortal Porpoises. 12. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center read, Keep off the Grass. 14. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?" 15. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran. 16. A teacher confiscated a rubberband pistol from a student in algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 17. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years

2 later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, Why? They re twins! If you ve seen Juan, you ve seen Amal. 18. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on. 19. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The Thong Is Ended, But The Malady Lingers On." 20. And the optician who fell into his lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself. 21. At a hotel where a big chess convention was going on, one guest listened to the chess grand masters gathered in the grand entrance hall as they discussed the games they had won through their brilliant strategy often in excruciating detail. He went to the front desk and insisted on moving out of the hotel immediately and having a full refund. But why? asked the hotel staff. Because, he said, I can t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. 22. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 23. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He Who Has a Tates Is Lost!" 24. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too. 25. Broken pencils are pointless. 26. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. 27. Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. 28. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 29. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

3 30. Do you remember the kleptomaniac friar who played such great piano Jazz? You know, Felonious Monk? 31. Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault. 32. Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery. 33. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. 34. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers and members of a bowling team. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus, we'll never know For Whom the Tells Bowled. 35. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. 36. He often broke into song because he couldn t find the key. 37. How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it. 38. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. 39. I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. 40. I changed my ipod name to Titanic. It's syncing now. 41. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. 42. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. 43. I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit. 44. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. 45. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. 46. I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in just eight minutes. 47. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time. 48. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I m the only one moving. 49. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. 50. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but she turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 51. I tried to catch some fog. I mist. 52. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. 53. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 54. I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; you couldn t park anywhere near the place. 55. A man and his wife went to a lovely beach when they were on holiday, but the husband kept complaining about how irritating the sand was. His wife ordered him to stop beaching about it. 56. I was going to tell a Sodium and Hydrogen pun, but NaH.

4 57. I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn t hear it. 58. I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, Don t you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour? I replied, Yes, but I wasn t going to be out that long. 59. I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. 60. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 61. I ve got some powdered water, but I don t know what to add. 62. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. 63. I'm reading a book about antigravity and I can't put it down. 64. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 65. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. 66. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 67. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... wait for it... [start singing à la Julie Andrews] A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis, supercalloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 68. Man enters contest for the best pun. He sends in his ten best puns, thinking one of them will win, but no pun in ten did. 69. NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit; they called the project The herd shot round the world. 70. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 71. PMS jokes aren't funny, period. 72. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 73. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 74. The guy who crashed his car at a Broadway theatre wasn't trying break into show business. He was going through a stage. 75. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 76. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 77. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 78. Then there was a cross eyed teacher who couldn't control her pupils. 79. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept

5 on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the Squaw Of The Hippopotamus Is Equal To The Sons Of The Squaws Of The Other Two Hides. 80. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of G-d, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he d be back if they didn t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. 81. They told me I had type A blood, but it was a typo. 82. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. 83. Timothy Leary once traveled to the Arctic with a suitcase full of LSD. He wanted to leave no tern unstoned. 84. Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second. 85. Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says Does this taste funny to you? 86. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, Dam! 87. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here; I ll go on a head. 88. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I ve lost my electron. The other says, Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I m positive. 89. Two Inuit sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it burned a hole in the boat which then sank, proving, once again, that you can t have your kayak and heat it, too. 90. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 91. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, I m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger. 92. Velcro - what a rip off. 93. Venison for dinner? Oh deer. 94. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

6 95. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. 96. What s the definition of a will? (It s a dead giveaway.) 97. When chemists die, they barium. 98. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 99. Why were the Indians here first in North America? They had reservations.