Colorized covers are for web display only. Most covers are printed in black and white. Comedy/Drama by Jim Gordon

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2 Colorized covers are for web display only. Most covers are printed in black and white. The Revenge Plays (Don t Get Mad, Get Even) Comedy/Drama by Jim Gordon

3 Colorized covers are for web display only. Most covers are printed in black and white. The Revenge Plays (Don t Get Mad, Get Even) Comedy/Drama. By Jim Gordon. Cast: 11m., 12w. (5m., 3w. with doubling) You re sitting and you re steaming cause someone s done you dirt/and in spite of what they tell you, you know they meant to hurt/ Forgive them, say the righteous. It s a creed you should believe in. /I grin and say To hell with that it s more fun getting even! What do the father of our country, a hit man, and a little old lady have in common? They refuse to turn the other cheek, as demonstrated in these eight short plays. Washington Schlepped Here. Busy retreating from Long Island, Manhattan and White Plains, General Washington is fed up and ready to pack it in when he learns he s been insulted by the British: Only fairies ride white horses. The rest is history. Drinks With Charles. Investment guru Charles Fleming envisions a profitable evening touting his can t fail investment strategies to three unsuspecting women; unfortunately for Mr. Fleming, past success is no guarantee of the future. A Christmas Fantasy. twas a week before Christmas and all through the house, a long-suffering wife plans to murder her spouse. The Agreement. Steven Cage wants a divorce but won t agree to his wife s excessive demands until she first sees a psychiatrist. Alas, his wife is about to discover Dr. Foster s unusual method of solving marital problems. The Kindness of Strangers. A con man s once-in-a-lifetime opportunity turns into a nightmare when a little old lady gives him a lesson in Chinese water torture. Nothing. Unable to afford a drug that could prolong his life, Johnny Miller strikes back the only way he can. The Producer. Playwright Floyd Belch tells producer Max Rosenberg that unless he produces his pro-war, pro-gun, anti-gay play in New York City, Max will have to jump out his 80th-floor window. Max is trying to decide, when Floyd makes him an offer he can t refuse. The Committee. The Paugatuck Players play-reading committee is meeting to choose next year s plays; forgiveness isn t in the running! Minimal set. Approximate running time: 1 hour, 50 minutes. These plays may also be performed individually or in any combination as an evening of short plays. Approximate running time foreach play: 10 to 15 minutes. Code: R88. Cover design: Jeanette Alig-Sergel. ISBN X ISBN Dramatic Publishing 311 Washington St. Woodstock, IL ph: Printed on recycled paper

4 The Re venge Plays (Don t Get Mad, Get Even) By JIM GORDON Dra matic Pub lish ing Woodstock, Il li nois Aus tra lia New Zea land South Af rica

5 *** NO TICE *** The am a teur and stock act ing rights to this work are con trolled ex clu - sively by THE DRA MATIC PUB LISH ING COM PANY with out whose per mis sion in writ ing no per for mance of it may be given. Roy alty must be paid ev ery time a play is per formed whether or not it is pre sented for profit and whether or not ad mis sion is charged. A play is per formed any time it is acted be fore an au di ence. Cur rent roy alty rates, ap pli ca tions and re stric tions may be found at our website: or we may be con tacted by mail at: DRA MATIC PUB LISH ING COM - PANY, 311 Wash ing ton St., Woodstock IL COPY RIGHT LAW GIVES THE AU THOR OR THE AU THOR S AGENT THE EX CLU SIVE RIGHT TO MAKE COP IES. This law pro - vides au thors with a fair re turn for their cre ative ef forts. Au thors earn their liv ing from the roy al ties they re ceive from book sales and from the per for mance of their work. Con sci en tious ob ser vance of copy right law is not only eth i cal, it en cour ages au thors to con tinue their cre ative work. This work is fully pro tected by copy right. No al ter ations, de le tions or sub sti tu tions may be made in the work with out the prior writ ten con sent of the pub lisher. No part of this work may be re pro duced or trans mit ted in any form or by any means, elec tronic or me chan i cal, in clud ing pho to - copy, re cord ing, vid eo tape, film, or any in for ma tion stor age and re trieval sys tem, with out per mis sion in writ ing from the pub lisher. It may not be per formed ei ther by pro fes sion als or am a teurs with out pay ment of roy - alty. All rights, in clud ing, but not lim ited to, the pro fes sional, mo tion pic - ture, ra dio, tele vi sion, vid eo tape, for eign lan guage, tab loid, rec i ta tion, lec tur ing, pub li ca tion and read ing, are re served. For per for mance of any songs, mu sic and re cord ings men tioned in this play which are in copy right, the per mis sion of the copy right own ers must be ob tained or other songs and re cord ings in the pub lic do main sub sti tuted. MMX by JIM GORDON Printed in the United States of Amer ica All Rights Re served THE RE VENGE PLAYS (DON T GET MAD, GET EVEN) ISBN:

6 IM POR TANT BILL ING AND CREDIT RE QUIRE MENTS All pro duc ers of the play must give credit to the au thor of the play in all pro grams dis trib uted in con nec tion with per for mances of the play and in all in stances in which the ti tle of the play ap pears for pur poses of ad ver - tis ing, pub li ciz ing or oth er wise ex ploit ing the play and/or a pro duc tion. The name of the au thor must also ap pear on a sep a rate line, on which no other name ap pears, im me di ately fol low ing the ti tle, and must ap pear in size of type not less than fifty per cent (50%) the size of the ti tle type. Bio graph i cal in for ma tion on the au thor, if in cluded in the playbook, may be used in all pro grams. In all pro grams this no tice must ap pear: Pro duced by spe cial ar range ment with THE DRA MATIC PUB LISH ING COM PANY of Woodstock, Il li nois

7 2009 Wash ing ton Schlepped Here Play house on the Green, Bridge port, Conn. Di rec tor: Mark S. Gra ham With Rich ard Leon ard, Luke Lynch and Bob Gill 2009 Drinks With Charles Thea tre Art ists Work shop, Norwalk, Conn. Di rec tor: June Rog ers With Barbara Rhoades, Jo Anne Parady, Jim Schil ling and Nadine Willig 2007 A Christ mas Fan tasy Nantucket Play wrights Fes ti val, Nantucket, Mass The Agree ment Ridgefield Play house, Ridgefield, Conn. Di rec tor: Jim Gordon With Wil liam Rus sell and Nadine Willig 2009 The Kind ness of Strang ers Thea tre Art ists Work shop, Norwalk, Conn. Di rec tor: Jim Gordon With Betty Jinnette 2009 Noth ing Branford SquareWrights, Branford, Conn The Pro ducer Thea tre Art ists Work shop, Norwalk, Conn. Di rec tor: Jim Gordon With Rich ard Leon ard and Bob Adrian 2009 The Com mit tee Thea tre Art ists Work shop, Norwalk, Conn. Di rec tor: The cast With Da vid Rog ers, Barbara Rhoades, Rich ard Weidlich and Nadine Willig 4

8 THE RE VENGE PLAYS (DON T GET MAD, GET EVEN) THE PLAYS Wash ing ton Schlepped Here...7 Drinks With Charles...14 A Christ mas Fan tasy The Agree ment The Kind ness of Strang ers...45 Noth ing...51 The Pro ducer...60 The Com mit tee

9 Wash ing ton Schlepped Here CHAR AC TERS: MAN: 20s+ GENERAL WASHINGTON: 50s A SOLDIER: 20s+ TIME: Christ mas Eve, PLACE: A tav ern some where near Tren ton, New Jer sey. PROPS: A ta ble, two chairs and a mug for the rum. AT RISE: The wind is howl ing. The door bursts open and GEORGE WASH ING TON en ters. He leans against the door to catch his breath. A MAN is sit ting at the ta ble. SOL DIER (off). Gen eral? Gen eral Wash ing ton, where are you? (WASH ING TON mo tions to the MAN at the ta ble to be quiet.) Gen eral, please, the men are wait ing! WASH ING TON (as he rushes past the MAN). You never saw me, got it? (WASH ING TON runs into an other room. The front door opens and a SOL DIER en ters.) SOL DIER (looks to the MAN). A guy come in here? MAN (not sure of what to say). Ahhh SOL DIER. Big guy with white hair? 7

10 8 THE RE VENGE PLAYS MAN. Ahhh no, no I did n t see any one. SOL DIER. You re sure? MAN. Yeah. SOL DIER. Any other tav erns around here? MAN. No, this is it. SOL DIER. Look, you see any one like that, a big guy with white hair and bad teeth, you ll let me know, right? MAN. You bet. SOL DIER. Our camp is down the road along side the river; you ll see our fire. Lib erty or death! MAN. What? SOL DIER. That s the pass word, Lib erty or death, can you re mem ber that? MAN. No prob lem. SOL DIER. I have to go. (He ex its. As the door closes we hear the SOL DIER off.) George? C mon, George, you gotta stop this GEORGE? WASH ING TON (off. Af ter a beat). He gone? MAN. Yeah. (WASH ING TON en ters.) WASH ING TON. Phew, that was close. MAN. Look, I don t want to in ter fere, but WASH ING TON. I ap pre ci ate what you did, I want you to know that. MAN. Who are you? WASH ING TON. My name s Wash ing ton, George Wash - ing ton. Hey, can a fella get a drink around here? MAN. Wash ing ton? WASH ING TON. Man, it s cold out there MAN. You you re George Wash ing ton?

11 (DON T GET MAD, GET EVEN) 9 WASH ING TON. That s me. (Point ing at the MAN s mug.) Whatta you drink ing? MAN. Hot-but tered rum. WASH ING TON. I ll give you a de fer ment for a slug of that. MAN (gives him his drink). I m too old to be drafted. WASH ING TON. We keep get ting our asses kicked, they ll draft your old lady. MAN. Mr. Wash ing ton, I mean Gen eral Wash ing ton WASH ING TON. George ll work. (Sip ping his drink.) MAN. George, I WASH ING TON. Shhhhhh! MAN. What s the mat ter? WASH ING TON. Will you lis ten to that wind. Jeez, I hate the cold. MAN. Why aren t you with your men? WASH ING TON. What s with the ques tions? You re not a spy, are ya? MAN. No, of course not WASH ING TON. You al ready got the pass word out of my guy, how do I know you re not a spy? MAN. Look, I m not a spy, okay. WASH ING TON. Okay okay, no of fense, Gen eral Ar nold said to be care ful MAN. Why is the army here? WASH ING TON. We re at tack ing Bayonne. MAN. Bayonne? You re at tack ing Bayonne? WASH ING TON. Can you be lieve it in this weather! MAN. George, Bayonne is miles from here. WASH ING TON (pause). It is? MAN. Yes. WASH ING TON. What s that place across the river?

12 Drinks With Charles CHAR AC TERS: SARA GOODBODY: A resource, 55+ HELEN: She s quick, 30+ BARBARA: She isn t, 30+ CHARLES: He s smooth, 50+ TIME: The pres ent. PLACE: Cliff House, Sara Goodbodys home, some where on the coast of Maine. The house is lo cated at the end of an iso lated road over look ing the ocean. PROPS: A length of rope, a wa ter pis tol, four glasses and a wine bot tle. SET: A cof fee ta ble and four chairs. One of the chairs must have wheels, an of fice chair with roll ers will do fine. AT RISE: SARA is at her front door wel com ing her friends, HELEN and BARBARA. They re here to meet with CHARLES FLEM ING, SARA s fi nan cial ad vi sor. SARA. Helen, Barbara, you re early. BARBARA. We could n t wait. (As her guests ar rive, SARA takes their coats.) 14

13 (DON T GET MAD, GET EVEN) 15 SARA Make your selves com fort able, I ll watch for Charles. HELEN. There s a pre ten tious-look ing car idling near the cliff. SARA. That s his; it s a Lamborghini. BARBARA. Even the ex haust smells ex pen sive. SARA. Your wine is poured. (BARBARA and HELEN cross to take their wine glasses.) Here he is now. (Shout - ing off.) Charles, over here, dar ling. CHARLES (off). What a lovely home. SARA. Thank you, Charles. CHARLES (off). But all these stairs my good ness! SARA. Use the ramp, Charles; we built it for my late hus - band s wheel chair. CHARLES (off). Have Helen and Barbara ar rived? SARA. You re the last. CHARLES (ap pears at the door, out of breath). Sorry about that, I stopped to look at your in cred i ble view. SARA. Wel come to Cliff House. (He en ters. She takes his coat and hangs it on the coatrack.) CHARLES. Re minds me of Lord Carlton s home on the coast of France. SARA (play fully). Did I just hear a name be ing dropped? CHARLES. Not a bit of it, Lord Carlton s an old friend and a cli ent. SARA (as she crosses to pour CHARLES wine). Well, the French can keep their sandy beaches; we in Maine pre fer our rocky coast, don t we, la dies? HELEN. Much more dra matic!

14 16 THE RE VENGE PLAYS BARBARA. Good eve ning, Mr. Flem ing. CHARLES. Charles, please. You re Barbara, am I right? BARBARA. That s me. CHARLES. And you must be Helen. HELEN. Yes. CHARLES. I ve heard so much about you. SARA (brings CHARLES his wine). You pre fer the red, am I right, Charles? CHARLES. Please. What a lovely spot for a meet ing. BARBARA. A prof it able one we hope. CHARLES. And I m sure it will be. (He raises his glass.) Here s to mak ing money. SARA, BARBARA, HELEN (raise their glasses). To mak - ing money! (They drink.) CHARLES. This is quite nice. What is it; I d like some for my cel lar? SARA. It s a Rothschild, two thou sand. CHARLES. Very nice, very nice in deed; first thing in the morn ing I ll or der a cou ple cases. SARA. Charles, tell Helen and Barbara ex actly how you in tend to make them rich. CHARLES. Richer, you mean. HELEN. There s never enough, is there? CHARLES. Well, la dies, sim ply put, I m an in ves tor. I in - vest in stocks, bonds and var i ous other fi nan cial in stru - ments. I trade un der the aus pices of my flag ship, Rob ert Flem ing Hedge Fund. BARBARA. Rob ert Flem ing? CHARLES. Af ter my son, Cap tain Rob ert Flem ing, he was killed in Iraq.

15 (DON T GET MAD, GET EVEN) 17 HELEN. BARBARA. How aw ful. Oh dear, how sad. SARA. How thought less of me I should have men tioned that. CHARLES. The fund is part of my firm, Flem ing As so ci - ates, we re in Palm Beach. HELEN. Where else! BARBARA. What ex actly do hedge funds do? HELEN. Hedge. CHARLES (a phony laugh). Hedge! That s very funny, very funny, in deed. At Flem ing As so ci ates we an tic i pate global mac ro eco nomic events and pur chase se cu ri ties through lim ited part ner ships. We le ver age our risk through so phis ti cated pro cesses such as short sell ing, de - riv a tives, op tions, fu tures, debt, com mod i ties and other non-tra di tional strat e gies such as real es tate in vest ments. We ac com plish our ob jec tives by us ing all mar kets and fi nan cial in stru ments. BARBARA. Oh dear, it sounds so com pli cated. SARA. Not if you know what you re do ing, and Charles cer tainly knows what he s do ing, don t you, Charles? CHARLES. You could say that. SARA. Flem ing As so ci ates is very par tic u lar about whom they al low to in vest. HELEN. No riff raff, hey? CHARLES. We have our stan dards. BARBARA. Will there be back ground checks? CHARLES. Sara vouched for both of you, so that won t be nec es sary. No, a mil lion each is all I need to get you started. BARBARA. Will there be div i dends?

16 A Christ mas Fan tasy CHAR AC TERS: STEVEN WENT: A playwright, 35+ SUSAN: A friend, 30+ DEBRA WENT: Steven s wife and Susan s girlfriend, 30+ TIME: The pres ent. PLACE: The apart ment of Ste ven and Debra Went. PROPS: Christ mas pack ages, a co logne de canter and note - pa per. SET: A sofa (or two chairs) and an end ta ble. AT RISE: STE VEN and SU SAN are ar gu ing. STE VEN. Are you crazy? No way I m get ting in volved in a mur der. SUSAN. Just tell me how to do it. STEVEN. I tell you how to kill your hus band and I m not in volved? SUSAN. Kill ing s your busi ness. STEVEN. In plays, Su san, in plays! I write mys ter ies, I don t work for Mur der, Inc! SUSAN. Vinny s hav ing af fairs! STEVEN. So your hus band s hav ing an affair big deal. SUSAN. Af fairs! 28

17 (DON T GET MAD, GET EVEN) 29 STEVEN. Get a di vorce. SUSAN. He won t give me a di vorce, some kind of fam ily code. STEVEN. Move out. SUSAN. I don t have any money, how will I live? STEVEN. Tell him to move out. SUSAN. I did. Now I m liv ing in the ga rage apart ment and his girl friend s in my bed room. STEVEN. Kill her! SUSAN. I can t, she does my color. STEVEN. Your hair? SUSAN. She s very good. STEVEN. Then don t get mad, get even. SUSAN. How? STEVEN. Have your own af fair! SUSAN. With who? STEVEN. Me! SUSAN. You re al ready hav ing an af fair with El len Looney. STEVEN. Who told you? SUSAN. El len. She s in my bridge club; she cheats at cards, too. STEVEN. You did n t tell Debra? SUSAN. No, Ste ven, I did not tell your wife you were hav - ing an af fair. STEVEN. Thank God! STEVEN. I told Vinny you re hav ing an af fair STEVEN. Like he cares. SUSAN. With me! STEVEN. WITH YOU? SUSAN. Uh-huh.

18 30 THE RE VENGE PLAYS STE VEN. He ll never be lieve it. (She hands him pho to - graphs.) What s this? (He looks at the pho tos.) That s me! SUSAN. Yes! Do ing some thing you should n t be do ing with some one you should n t be do ing it with. STEVEN. Linda Looney. SUSAN. In the flesh. STEVEN. Where d you get these? SUSAN. Linda. She s pissed. You prom ised to di vorce Debra and marry her. STEVEN. She be lieved me? SUSAN. Yes. STEVEN. Women, I ll never un der stand them. SUSAN. She d have given them to Debra but I talked her out of it you owe me, Ste ven. STEVEN. Who took the pic tures? SUSAN. Lance Looney, Linda Looney s hus band. STEVEN. He was there, while Linda and I were while we were SU SAN. In the closet. It s a fan tasy thing. Men, I ll never un der stand them. (Point ing at a photo.) This one s good of you. STE VEN. Stop it! SUSAN. Think Linda looks like me? STEVEN. No. SUSAN. Vinny does. STEVEN. You told Vinny that was us? SUSAN. Uh-huh. STEVEN. Why? SUSAN. I thought he d get an gry and give me a di vorce he just got an gry very an gry very very very STEVEN. Okay okay!

19 The Agree ment CHAR AC TERS: DR. FOSTER: A psychiatrist, DEBRA CAGE: A patient, 30s TIME: The pres ent. PLACE: The of fice of Dr. John Fos ter. SET: A couch is sug gested. If a ta ble is used for the desk, the bun dle can be placed on the floor be neath the ta ble. The only props are the bun dle, which should be heavy and sug gest some thing that could be used to well do some thing aw ful. Also needed are a file folder and a phone with a line that s been cut. Be hind the desk is a chair. Next to the desk is an other chair. UL is a door that might lead to an ex am i na tion room, and be low that is an other door that leads to the re cep tion area. AT RISE: DR. FOS TER en ters the room through the UL door. He s car ry ing a bun dle wrapped in a towel. He places the bun dle on his desk and pro ceeds to put on his sports jacket which rests on the back of his chair. Still stand ing, he reaches into a desk drawer, re moves a folder, and places it on top of the desk. He puts the towel and its con tents in the drawer and closes it; as he does, there s a knock at the re cep tion area door. 36

20 FOSTER. Yes. (DON T GET MAD, GET EVEN) 37 (The door opens and DEBRA CAGE en ters.) DEBRA. Dr. Fos ter? FOSTER. Yes. Mrs. Cage? DEBRA. Yes. FOSTER. Please come in. DEBRA. I saw the note on the door and FOSTER. Not very pro fes sional, I m afraid. DEBRA. It said to knock, so I FOSTER. Yes, sorry about that, my sec re tary had to leave bit of an emer gency. Please, won t you have a seat? DEBRA. On the couch? FOS TER (good-naturedly). I don t use that much any more. (Point ing to the chair next to the desk.) Right here is fine. (She sits. He sits, picks up her file folder and ex am - ines its con tents.) DEBRA. I m sur prised you could see me this late in the day. FOSTER. It s pa per work night, happy to squeeze you in. I ll need some in for ma tion: in sur ance, that kind of thing; you can give that to my sec re tary when we fin ish; she ll be back by then. DEBRA. Fine. FOS TER (read ing from the file). Now let s see you were re ferred by Dr. Dr. DEBRA. Dr. Brodsky. FOS TER. Yes, I see, Dr. Brodsky. (Pause.) Now Debra, why don t you tell me why you re here? DEBRA. It s part of my agree ment with Ste ven.

21 38 THE RE VENGE PLAYS FOSTER. Ste ven is your hus band. DEBRA. Yes. We ve made a bar gain. If I up hold my part of it, Ste ven will sign our agree ment. FOSTER. What agree ment is that, Debra? DEBRA (pause). Per haps I should start at the be gin ning. FOSTER. Please. DEBRA. I had an af fair af fairs, ac tu ally. Ste ven found out and asked for a di vorce I re fused. FOSTER. You don t want to leave your mar riage. DEBRA. Cer tainly not. FOSTER. You re hav ing an af fair, Debra; I must as sume you re un happy, why would n t you con sider it? DEBRA. Ste ven s in come is quite large; ob vi ously, I m better off if I stay mar ried. FOSTER. I m sure the court would take Ste ven s in come into con sid er ation in a set tle ment. DEBRA. I don t trust judges. FOSTER. I see. Now, about this agree ment with your hus - band DEBRA. I was search ing through Ste ven s desk for his bank state ments and found a folder con tain ing doc u - ments; across the face of the folder it said, Ste ven, for your eyes only, and be low that, De stroy when fin - ished. My hus band is a law yer and works on sen si tive cases, so I did n t think this un usual. FOSTER. Go on. DEBRA. I read in the news pa per the po lice were in ves ti - gat ing one of Ste ven s cli ents a gam bling ca sino. Two of the man ag ers at that ca sino dis ap peared and the po lice be lieve they were mur dered. FOSTER. Yes?

22 (DON T GET MAD, GET EVEN) 39 DEBRA. The man sus pected of the mur der was the man who signed the doc u ments I found! FOSTER. Did you tell Ste ven? DEBRA. Yes, we were hav ing an ar gu ment and it came out. FOSTER. What did he say? DEBRA. He was fu ri ous. I was shocked at his re ac tion. He told me what I did was ex tremely dan ger ous and I was to give him the file im me di ately! Of course I re fused. FOSTER. Why would you do that? DEBRA. I knew by his re ac tion there must be things in that file that could be very harm ful to Ste ven and his cli - ent. I told him if he per sisted with the di vorce I would find a way to use the in for ma tion against him in court. FOSTER. Sounds a bit like black mail, Debra. DEBRA. You say to mato, I say tomotto. FOSTER. Is it pos si ble you re plac ing your hus band in a dan ger ous sit u a tion? DEBRA. Not at all. All Ste ven has to do is sign our agree - ment and I d make cer tain no one would ever see the con tents of that file. FOSTER. What does the agree ment state? DEBRA. I re ceive the bulk of our as sets in the event he ever seeks dis so lu tion of the mar riage. FOSTER. He s agreed? DEBRA. Of course, he s ter ri fied the po lice will search the house and find my copy. FOS TER. So he has agreed. DEBRA. On con di tion I speak to you. If I did, Ste ven said he d sign the agree ment and there d be no more talk of a di vorce. FOS TER. Sup pose I de cide what you re do ing is wrong?

23 The Kind ness of Strang ers CHAR AC TERS: HELEN: 60+ TIME: The pres ent. PLACE: Helen s apart ment. PROPS: A phone and some pa pers (bank state ments) for desk. SET : A ta ble (desk) and a chair. AT RISE: The phone rings, HELEN an swers it. HELEN. Yes Who s call ing? Who? I m sorry, I can t hear you, could you please speak louder? Yes, thank you, that s much better. Now whom did you say you were? Acme Se cu rity? Is n t that an odd name Oh, that s your com pany. And what is your name, young man? Bob? Now that s a very nice name, but I m rather old-fash ioned, would you mind if I called you Rob ert? Thank you. Now what can I do for you, Bob? A prob lem with my bank re cords? Oh dear, what sort of prob lem? Some one at tempted to ac cess my ac count? Yes, well, that is a prob lem, is n t it, and aren t you nice to call and tell me I m sure it is im - por tant Well, Thomas, my daugh ter usu ally 45

24 46 THE RE VENGE PLAYS What? I m sorry, I meant Rob ert. I m get ting so for - get ful. I m afraid my daugh ter, Deb bie, han dles my fi - nan cial mat ters, but My ac count num ber? Yes, I have it right here. (Re fers to a piece of pa per.) Have you a pen cil? It s Did you get that? Good. Is there any thing else you need? My pen, why in the world would you need my pen? Oh, my pin! That s like a pass word, is n t it? Yes, I thought so. Well, let me see I be lieve it s Grace Yes, the name, Grace, af - ter my niece, Barbara. That s spelled, G-R-A-C-E. Do you have that? Good. (A beat.) That s not it? Hmmm. Wait a min ute, I just re mem bered, Grace ran off with that mu si cian fella and Deb bie did n t feel she should be re warded for that sort of be hav ior. Deb bie s my daugh - ter, did I tell you that? Oh, I did. Have you chil dren, Fred? Well, don t you worry, you have plenty of time for that sort of thing. Now what was I say ing? Oh yes, the mu si cian. His name was Jack played sax o phone, I think. A shame, re ally, such an easy name to re mem - ber Grace, I mean not Jack. Al though, Jack is just as easy, is n t it? I had an un cle Jack; he was a fire man. Poor fel low had a drink ing prob lem, fell off the truck and killed him self. Never mar ried, thank good ness What? Oh yes, the pass word I m sorry to hold you You re very kind. I could call Deb bie, she s my daugh ter I should n t do that? I see, her name is n t on the ac count and you could n t speak to her But it would be me speak ing to her, would n t it? You need it right away Of course I un der stand. It s just so hard to re mem ber No, no, it s def i nitely a girl s name No, that s not it No, not that ei ther. Though Joan is a pretty name. Had an aunt Joan a nun ran off with a

25 (DON T GET MAD, GET EVEN) 47 priest. The fam ily never spoke much about that. Funny, running off seems to run in the family Oh yes, the pass word. Could it be on my bank state ment? No, I meant I might have writ ten it on my state ment, some - times I do that to keep things to gether Let me check You re very patient, most of my callers hang up by now. ( She picks up the same paper she looked at earlier.) I have it. Here it is, are you ready What? Oh dear, you re right, I m giving you my account num- ber again. Wait a min ute, wait a min ute, here s a num - ber, yes, here it is, I m sure this is it: (Beat.) Oh dear, I ve done it again; this time I gave you my ac count bal ance What? I can t I can t John John, you re speak ing too quickly, I can t I can t un der stand you, please slow down What? Yes, that s the bal ance, $750,

26 Noth ing CHAR AC TERS: FREDDY: HELEN: FLO: JOHNNY: 50s DEE: 40s TIME: The pres ent. PLACE: A neigh bor hood tav ern. PROPS: Some glasses and a whis key bot tle. SET: A ta ble and two chairs and some thing to serve as a bar. AT RISE: FREDDY has just en tered the tav ern. HELEN is tend ing bar. FREDDY. Helen darlin, how ya doin? HELEN. I m doin, Freddy, I m doin. What ll ya have? FREDDY. Sur prise me. HELEN. How s about I buy you a beer? FREDDY. What s the oc ca sion? HELEN. Nice to see a smil ing face. How s busi ness? FREDDY. Sucks, which is for tu nate as it al lows time with my fa vor ite bar tender. 51

27 52 THE RE VENGE PLAYS HELEN. Yeah, right. Hear about Johnny? Got him self ar - rested, cuffs and ev ery thing, the whole nine yards. Spent the night in jail. FREDDY. Johnny Miller in jail? What d he do? HELEN. Threw cof fee on a paint ing. FREDDY. Why d he do that? HELEN. How the hell do I know. Grace bailed him out this morn ing. FREDDY. I ll bet she s pissed. HELEN. Better he stayed in jail. FREDDY. Where was the paint ing? HELEN. A mu seum, I guess. FREDDY. What the hell s Johnny doin in a mu seum? HELEN. Grace musta brung him there. She likes that art stuff. (FLO en ters.) HELEN (cont d). Flo, honey. How are ya? FLO. Been better. HELEN. The back? FLO. Yeah. HELEN. Should have that looked at. FLO. Hi ya, Freddy. HELEN. Only get worse, ya know. FLO. I got laid off, lost my health in sur ance. HELEN. There a clinic on Rail road Street, is n t there? FREDDY. Yeah, Rail road Street, I think you re right. HELEN. You should go there, Flo, have it looked at. FLO. They ll wanna get paid. FREDDY. Whatta they gonna do, throw you out? FLO. Rail road Street, huh? Maybe I ll do that.

28 (DON T GET MAD, GET EVEN) 53 FREDDY. Hear about Johnny? Got him self ar rested. HELEN. Threw cof fee on a paint ing and spent the night in jail. FLO. Why d he do that? FREDDY. We don t know. Grace bailed him out. FLO. I ll bet she s pissed. FREDDY. Wait till she gets the bill! FLO. Dumb, ya know, throw ing cof fee on a paint ing that s dumb not like Johnny. FREDDY. Serves Grace right, drag ging him to a mu seum. FLO. My back s kill ing me. HELEN. I ll call the clinic. FLO. No, let me sit for a sec ond. HELEN. I got some as pi rin. You want an as pi rin? FLO. Let me sit for a sec ond. How s the car pen ter busi - ness? FREDDY. Slow. The wife says I shoulda been a plumber, can t put off fix ing a leak. HELEN. Hey, will ya look who s here it s him self. (JOHNNY MILLER en ters.) FREDDY. Hey Johnny, how ya doin? FLO. You all right? JOHNNY. I m okay. HELEN. What can I get ya? FREDDY. How bout a cup a cof fee? (He laughs.) JOHNNY. Beer and Irish. How s the back, Flo? FLO. So-so. JOHNNY. Oughta have that looked at. FLO. We heard you threw cof fee on a paint ing. FREDDY. Why d ya do that?

29 54 THE RE VENGE PLAYS JOHNNY. I don t want to talk about it. HELEN. Musta had a rea son. FLO. What are ya gonna do when the judge asks ya? FREDDY. Throw cof fee on the judge, right, Johnny? (He laughs.) HELEN. That d re ally be dumb. FREDDY. Dumber than throw ing cof fee on a paint ing? FLO. Why d ya do it, Johnny? JOHNNY. I don t want to talk about it, okay. (He crosses and sits at a ta ble.) FREDDY. Turn on the TV. HELEN. It s on the blink. TV guy s com ing later. FLO. Noth ing but crap any way. FREDDY. Maybe Johnny s on there. HELEN. On the TV? FREDDY. Not ev ery day some one throws cof fee on a paint ing. That s a whole af ter noon for CNN. HELEN. Where was the paint ing, Johnny? JOHNNY. Was n t a paint ing, it was a can vas. FREDDY. What was on the can vas? JOHNNY. Noth ing. FREDDY. Noth ing? JOHNNY. Noth ing. FLO. No paint or any thing? JOHNNY. Noth ing. FREDDY. What the hell is a blank can vas do ing hang ing in a mu seum? JOHNNY. Was n t a mu seum, it was a drug com pany. It was on their wall. FREDDY. A blank can vas that s art? HELEN. Yeah, I read that some where. Does n t have to have any thing on it, it s still art.

30 The Pro ducer CHAR AC TERS: MAX ROSENBERG: A producer FLOYD BELCH: A playwright HELEN: Max s secretary TIME: The pres ent. PLACE: Manhattan. PROPS: A phone for desk, pa per bag for sand wich, a con - tract, a pen and a gun for Floyd. SET: Max s of fice on the eight i eth floor of a Manhattan high-rise build ing. A ta ble (desk) and a chair. AT RISE: MAX is on the phone. MAX. My clean ing lady get rid of her! I don t give a damn if she has ten kids, there was dust on my desk I want her fired! (As he slams the phone down FLOYD BELCH en ters the of fice.) MAX. Who are you? FLOYD. My name is Belch, Floyd Belch. MAX. What are you do ing in my of fice? Who let you in? 60

31 (DON T GET MAD, GET EVEN) 61 FLOYD. I walked in. MAX (quickly flicks the switch on his in ter com). Helen you re fired! FLOYD. She s not there, Max. MAX. MAX? Where do you get off call ing me Max? I don t let my brother call me Max. FLOYD. I have a play I want you to read. MAX. No, you have balls is what you have, walk ing into my of fice with out an ap point ment. FLOYD. I tried to make an ap point ment, but MAX. I don t keep ap point ments with peo ple I have ap - point ments with, you think I m gonna talk to you Get out! FLOYD. Five min utes. MAX (he flips the in ter com switch). Helen, call se cu rity, I want this creep ar rested. FLOYD. I told you she s not there she s dead. MAX. She will be when I get hold of her! FLOYD. No, she re ally is dead, I mean. MAX. What the hell are you talk ing about? FLOYD. I killed her stran gled her, ac tu ally. MAX. Okay, enough where is she? FLOYD. On the floor be hind her desk. More un der than be hind. She put up a ter ri ble fight, you d be proud of her. MAX. You stran gled my sec re tary you stran gled Helen? FLOYD. Yes, and I feel ter ri ble about that, I re ally do. She seemed such a nice girl, but she kept tell ing me I couldn t see you. It s really your fault. MAX (beat). Look, Mr. Belch FLOYD. Call me Floyd. MAX. What ever you say, Floyd what ever you say.

32 62 THE RE VENGE PLAYS FLOYD. I want you to read my play. The Man With Two Bad Teeth it s a mys tery. MAX. Yeah, well prob lem is how do I put this you see Floyd, the Rosenberg Agency does n t pro duce mys - ter ies. FLOYD. That s what Helen said and she s dead. MAX. Good point. FLOYD. The pub lic loves mys ter ies. MAX. But The Times hates them. FLOYD. I m go ing there next. MAX. They re at 620 Eighth Av e nue. FLOYD. I know their ad dress, Max! MAX. Wanted to be sure, that s all. Look Floyd, I can ap - pre ci ate your love for mys ter ies, but I don t think I can help you. FLOYD. That s what Helen told me and you know what hap pened to her. MAX. Well, per haps I could give it a read. FLOYD. She said you read it. MAX. It s what we tell sec re tar ies to tell play wrights let them down easy, you know. FLOYD. Lie, you mean. MAX. I would n t call it a lie FLOYD. IT S A LIE! MAX. Yes, yes, you re right, it s a lie! We lie a lot, it s part of the busi ness! FLOYD. Thank you. MAX. We don t like hurt ing peo ple s feel ings. FLOYD. Like your clean ing lady. MAX. Oh that I was only jok ing FLOYD. YOU RE LY ING AGAIN!!

33 THE COM MIT TEE CHAR AC TERS: FLO: Committee chairperson BRUCE: Very theatrical and gay SUE HERB TIME: The pres ent. PLACE: A back stage room at the Paugatuck Play ers Com - mu nity Thea tre. PROPS: Cell phone for Bruce, note pa per and some old scripts. SET: A ta ble and four chairs. AT RISE: The playreading committee is in ses sion. FLO is fin ish ing the play se lec tions for the com ing sea son. FLO. So, com mit tee mem bers, we come, fi nally, to The Res ur rec tion of Love by our own Charles Poke. (EV ERY ONE ap plauds.) BRUCE (a fan fare). Dum dada dum dum daaaaa! FLO. Okay, let s be gin with Sue. So, what do you think? SUE. Great! Just great! 67

34 68 THE RE VENGE PLAYS FLO. You liked it. SUE. I loved it. FLO. Herb? HERB. Not quite great, but good very very good. FLO. Bruce? BRUCE. Well, I should n t even be vot ing, should I? FLO. Now c mon Bruce, we all agreed it was okay for you to sit in, did n t we? HERB. Of course SUE. No prob lem BRUCE. That s so sweet of you, con sid er ing I live with the au thor. FLO. Non sense, you ve been a mem ber of the play selec - tion committee for six years now, and BRUCE. Seven! FLO. For seven years now, so you re cer tainly en ti tled to a vote. BRUCE (pause). Well, what can I say I agree with Sue, it s great thea tre. SUE. Well, fi nally we agree on some thing! BRUCE. Oh stop it, you! FLO. Well, that leaves me. SUE. C mon, Flo, don t keep us wait ing. FLO (pauses to build sus pense). Ready? BRUCE. Pins and nee dles! FLO. I LOVED IT! BRUCE (very ex cited). I knew it I knew you d love it! Di d n t I t e l l y ou Su e ; di dn t I sa y F l o w o u l d l o v e i t? SUE. He did, he said you d love it. BRUCE. Well, c mon, how could she not?

35 (DON T GET MAD, GET EVEN) 69 HERB. So, it s four thumbs up, is that what I m hear ing? SUE. It ap pears the Paugatuck Play ers play selec tion committee has made his tory we all agree on some - thing BRUCE (sings). Won der of won der Mir a cle of mir a - cles May I call Charles please please please? FLO. HERB. SUE. Of course. Go ahead. Why not. (BRUCE di als his cell phone.) FLO. Then it s done. It s the April slot for The Res ur rec - tion of Love? HERB. Fine with me. SUE. Is Charles avail able in April? BRUCE (on the phone). Charles it s me, honey they hated it no, no, no, I m only kid ding they loved it no, it s true lis ten (He holds up his cell phone.) Ev - ery one! EV ERY ONE. Great, Charles! We love it! Won der ful play. Con grat u la tions, etc. BRUCE (into the phone). Did you hear? (To the com mit - tee.) Oh dear, I think he s cry ing. FLO. We ll call him first thing in the morn ing. BRUCE. Charles, did you hear yes, first thing in the morn ing good love you, too. (He hangs up.) He s be - side him self! SUE. So, who s di rect ing the April slot? HERB. Mark Cummings, is n t it? BRUCE. Mark is? (Pause.) Oh dear. FLO. Some thing wrong?

36 70 THE RE VENGE PLAYS BRUCE. Well FLO. What? BRUCE. He s a bit heavy-handed, don t you think. I mean that busi ness in Long Day s Jour ney SUE. I thought that went very well. BRUCE. Sweet heart, I don t think O Neill in tended for Edmund to punch his mother in the mouth. My God, he ac tu ally hit her. FLO. That was an ac ci dent. HERB. He ll do a good job with Res ur rec tion; he han dles that Mamet kind of di a logue very well. SUE. Mamet? I thought more Pinteresque. HERB. You did? FLO. Yes, those long pauses, I agree with Sue very Pinteresque! BRUCE (laugh ing). Well, as long as he does n t have Brad punch ing Mi chael. FLO. Oh I don t know, seems to me he has ev ery rea son to, walk ing out on him like that. BRUCE. But Mi chael is n t walk ing out, he in tends to re - turn, and Brad knows that, so he FLO. He does? BRUCE. What? FLO. Mi chael in tends to re turn, Brad knows that? BRUCE. Of course. HERB. Gee, I did n t get that. BRUCE. That he s com ing back you did n t get that? HERB. No. No, I did n t. SUE. Of course he s com ing back, where would he go? FLO. To Rebecca, I thought. BRUCE. Rebecca? FLO. Well, he is in love with her is n t he?