Bereavement News. Family Services Staff. Dear Friends,

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1 Bereavement News 1904 N. Union, Suite 103, Ponca City, OK Phone (580) ( ) April, May, June 2014 Family Services Staff Shelley Simon, L.C.S.W. Director of Family Services Cathy Denning, B.S.W. Bereavement Coordinator Trish Wallace, B.A. Social Service Specialist Dee Turner, B.S.W. Social Worker Tom Howard, M.A.M.C. Chaplain Mike Sweetman, M.Div. Chaplain Mission Statement To provide quality end-of-life care at no expense to the patient, while supporting their family and others in the community who are experiencing grief. The Bereavement News is published quarterly by Hospice of North Central Oklahoma, Inc., located at 1904 N. Union, Ste. 103, Ponca City, OK, Issue no. 187 April, May, June Dear Friends, I remember when I was a small child, becoming all excited about April Fool s Day. As a youngster I always wanted to pull a prank on my dad and mom, but they were wise and always one step ahead of me. Conversely I always fell for their pranks. How gullible I was. I remember trying some simple trick on April 2 or April 3, and the retort would come back, April Fools has already past you re the biggest fool at last. The world had moved on to other things, but little old me was still trying to conquer April 1. I was greatly disappointed and a little hurt. I hear something similar from the bereaved I talk with from time to time, especially the immediate caregivers. They were caring and compassionate during the loss, surprisingly strong during the funeral service and the after-interment greetings. They grieved appropriately to that time and place. But then a funny thing happens. The rest of the world goes on but they did not. Frequently their grieving becomes much more intense and painful. Meanwhile, the children, grandchildren, friends, and everyone else go back into normal life. Snap out of it mom, you need to move on now, or something similar might be heard. The world has moved on to other things, meanwhile the bereaved person feels more confused, hurt, and is still trying to grasp the reality of life without that someone. Continued on page 2 1

2 Continued from page 1. Just because others have moved on and you are still grieving openly, don t think you are wrong, stuck, weak, or gone crazy. Grief takes as long as it takes. When you have loved someone for years, decades, a lifetime, you need time to come to terms with the loss. Time is something our society is not always willing to grant us. There is a lot of pressure on the grieving to get back to normal, even though with the death of someone dear, you may not even be able to define normal right now. Don t blame yourself, blame the unrealistic expectations of the world around you. It is society which is crazy, maddening, unrealistic: not the bereaved. Dealing with death, dying, grief and mourning is one area in which our society often lets us down. Recall that in other times and in other cultures, plenty of space has been given for people to grieve and mourn. Grieving was expected and encouraged, and the social structure assisted the bereaved in the process. In the Victorian Era, people would wear black, or at least a black arm band, for a significant amount of time after the death, even as long as a year and a day. Black wreaths would be displayed on doors. Friends, family and general public would respect the needs of those who displayed such outward signs of 2 mourning. I am not advocating a return to Victorian sensibilities, but I do think our culture needs to respect the need for people to heal after a loss. Somehow we as a community have lost the patience to be healthy in our grieving. Perhaps in time we will discover that this fast-paced world we live in is the biggest fool of all. Sincerely, Mike Sweetman Would you like more information about Hospice of North Central Oklahoma, or wish to look through earlier editions of the Bereavement News? Find us on the Web at: If you have a smart phone with a QR reader, you may use the handy QR code below. You can download a free QR code reader at your Blackberry, Android, or iphone app store.

3 Telling Your Story by Cathy Denning, B.S.W. Telling our story is one of the most healing acts we can do when we face a loss. In our society we are defined by our relationships. For example, I am Tim s wife, Bill s daughter and Shelley s friend. When a loved one dies or a relationship ends we suffer not only the loss of the person, but the loss of how we in part define ourselves. That is why we often hear people say when I lost my loved one it was as if a part of me died. Write: If you have a private or introverted nature you may not feel comfortable telling your story out loud. Consider writing. One way to do this is by journaling. A journal is generally not intended to be shared with others, but is a place to express your thoughts. Some journals are free form; you write what you want, when you want, for as long as you want. Other journals are guided; a question or a statement is presented and you respond in writing. Telling our story enables us to adjust to the loss and to begin the process of redefining the relationship we had with our loved one. It is through this process that we develop a new self-identity in light of our loss. In addition to establishing a new self identity, telling our story ensures that our loved one s memory is honored. Someone once said that the number one fear that a bereaved person has is that their loved one s memory and significance will be forgotten. Telling our story allows us to share the history we had with our loved one to people who are important to us. So how does one tell their story and to whom do we tell it? Talk: Telling our stories verbally is a timehonored tradition handed down by many families. Remember how the television series Roots began with the author sitting at his grandmother s knees hearing the story of his ancestors. Tell your story to your friends, your children, and your grandchildren. Don t be alarmed, if in the telling, there is a mixture of laughter and tears; the important part is that you are sharing your loved one s memory with a caring person. Another way of using the written word is in Life Books that are designed to be shared with family and close friends. You may purchase a Life Book or a Memory Journal on line, or you can design your own, writing down memories that you want to pass on for generations. For my high school graduation my grandmother presented me with a copy of our family s genealogy. Inside this book she included pictures of family members and stories that she remembered. It s been thirty plus years since I graduated from high school and I really don t remember my great-great-great grandfather s name. But ask me to tell you some of stories in this book and to this day I can remember them well. (Next time you see me, ask me how the Baptist Minister was able to convince my wild ancestor to quit fighting.) Cut and Paste: Years ago ladies used to keep Scrap Books or Albums that would hold their memories. Pictures, pressed flowers, poems, etc., would be placed in these books. In recent years Memory Albums or Scrapbooks have become popular once again. Scraping your story is an excellent way to preserve your memories while sharing the story of who you are in relationship to your loved one. It truly can be as simple as cutting and pasting photos in a book or as elaborate as 3 Continued on page 4

4 Continued from page 3 embellishing a page with sewing and painting. This is your album and there is no wrong way to scrap. Within the last year my relationship with my father has changed as his dementia has become more pronounced. Recently I was at a gathering of fellow scrap bookers and was working on a Memory Album for my father. (My hope is that he will enjoy looking at photographs and having stories read to him now, while he is still able to remember them, and later to have a book to pass down to his great grandson.) As I worked on this project memories of my childhood and my relationship with my father surfaced. I thought of the changes he has gone through, the changes that he will go through, and the changes in my role as his daughter. I would describe the feeling as bittersweet. Soon someone asked me what I was working on, so I shared my memories. Others shared memories of their parents and grandparents. It was healing for me to tell my story and to honor others as they told their stories. Find Your Own Way or Be Creative: Over the years I have been amazed at how people have found their own methods of storytelling. For example, one family gets together every Christmas morning and eats cinnamon rolls in their PJ s at the old homestead. They literally come in their pajamas, driving up in cars. The family members who like to cook have prepared Mother s Cinnamon Roll Recipe. Talk about the story telling and memories! Another family member has been working on restoring an old car, that had been her husband s project. As various family members work on the project stories of Papa come flowing. Finally, I know of one man who every year hangs up an old ugly plastic Santa Claus on his front door. As his friends come to visit him they ask about the Santa and he is able to tell them of the most wonderful relationship he had with his grandfather. Hospice of North Central Oklahoma/Higher Ground Center Ground Center for Loss and Education offers the bereaved person several ways to tell their story. Completing a quilt square in honor of your loved one for our Memory Quilt is one way of telling your loved one s story. Sharing your story at a support group will be helpful to both you and the other members of the group. Perhaps you would prefer to tell your story to one of our Family Services/Bereavement Staff members. Please contact us at or if we may be of assistance during your grief journey. Lunch Bunch Will Meet The first Tuesday of each month, at Pizza Hut, 2301 N. 14th, Ponca City & The third Tuesday of each month, at China King Restaurant 2605 N. 14th, Ponca City Come be one of the Bunch! 4

5 Honoring The Roles Of Mothers, Even In Loss The Raindrops Program, part of Hospice of North Central Oklahoma, Inc., is holding its first celebratory tea for mothers who have experienced an infant loss due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or neo-natal loss. This event will provide an opportunity for these mothers to come together and be honored for their role as nurturer, caregiver of families, and keepers of the sacred gift of life. We will be offering refreshments, a message of hope and tokens of appreciation for our guests. your seat. Reservations will be accepted until May 1, Seating is limited so be sure to call early. Date: May 10, :00 p.m. Time: 2:00 p.m. Place: Hospice of North Central Oklahoma, Inc., 1904 N Union Suite 103 Ponca City, OK If you are interested in attending please contact our office at (580) to reserve Bereavement Tip Tickle your funny bone. April 1st is the traditional April Fool s Day, but humor is a good prescription for any time of year. Laughter has a number of benefits, both physical and psychological. There are a number of sources of humor to plug into. If riddles and jokes are your thing, try a search for humor on the Internet. The entertainment stores offer large selections of recordings of comedians, or you might look into renting a funny movie. There is bound to be something that will bring out a chuckle. And after you have had a good laugh, resist the temptation to feel guilty for feeling good. Often, bereaved people will feel guilty when they feel better as if their laughter was somehow dishonoring to the dead. In truth, we honor the dead best when we grieve appropriately and healthily, and when we take care of ourselves appropriately too. Remember, a merry heart doeth good like a medicine! 21st Annual Memorial Golf Tournament Friday, May 23, :00 a.m. Lew Wentz Golf Course, Ponca City Proceeds Benefit To Register or for more information Contact: Hospice of North Central Oklahoma (580) ( ) or Larry Murphy (580)

6 Bereavement News NONPROFIT ORG. U.S. Postage.00 PAID PONCA CITY, OK Permit No. 75 Address Service Requested April Lunch Bunch Tuesday April 1, Pizza Hut, Ponca City Lunch Bunch, Tuesday April 15, China King Restaurant, Ponca City Easter Sunday, April 20, May Lunch Bunch, Tuesday May 6, Pizza Hut, Ponca City Lunch Bunch, Tuesday May 20, China King Restaurant Annual Memorial Golf Tournament Friday, May 23, Lew Wentz Golf Course, Ponca City Memorial Day, Monday, May 26, Hospice Office Closed June Lunch Bunch, Tuesday, June 3, Pizza Hut, Ponca City Flag Day, Saturday, June 14 Lunch Bunch, Tuesday, June 17, China King, Ponca City 6