by Jesse Reade of The Green Machine
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- Roderick Franklin
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3 by Jesse Reade of The Green Machine As the kickball season winds down to an anti climactic ceremonial handing over of the trophy to Dunder Mifflin, it begs the question, what do I do now? After experiencing a life with kickball, imagining a life without seems like a world not worth living in. But wait! Before you fire up the Dashboard Confessional, start writing Livejournal entries about it, and cutting yourself to dull the pain, we here at Ghost Man have come up with a short list of things to do in the off season! Plan for next season For some of us, there is no substitute. Josh from The Green Machine has already started recruiting players, most of Pimps and Pitches plans on quitting to just drink, and some teams are trying to recruit the good players off the weak teams. Some teams are changing T shirt colors, some are changing names, and some are quitting in general. Rumor has it that a couple people are planning on actually doing some form of exercise to get ready? What the fuck. That s absurd. Take up another sport Many people are talented dual sport athletes, unfortunately I don t know any from kickball since kickball is a recreational game. However, with the downtime between seasons, you could easily join up in some other sport or game league, hockey, bowling, tennis, curling, polo, America s Cup sailing tons of viable easy to learn options for the off season!
4 Enter Rehab Do some of us have problems with drinking? Only the PRUDES! But seriously folks, if you think you have a problem, check it out. If not, A.A. will at least be full of entertaining stories about people being drunk, and more wagon related incidents than a good game of Oregon Trail, with far less bouts of Dysentery. I m not even going to start drawing a parallel between Alcoholism and river crossings, because the debate rages on between fording, floating, or ferrying, and quite honestly, this article isn t going to be long enough for this. Look for that in my master s thesis if you really want that break down. Masturbate Yep. Save Money I know that I ve left Icabod s with 40 dollar bar tabs, at 5 dollars a pitcher, that can mean one of two things; either I was ripped, or people kept putting stuff on my tab without me knowing. Actually it was probably a combination of both, and me being all drunk and generous, buying pitchers. At any rate, $40 x 8 weeks = $320. And that s just a ballpark. The captains meeting was a statistical outlier, so should not be included in this. And I haven t been that drunk with a group of strangers since I crashed a bar mitzvah. L Chaim! So what can one do with the $320 this off season? Here are some ideas! $ Get a speeding ticket for doing mph over the limit! ( $ Five 30 minute massages, and a paraffin hand treatment ( ) $ 14 Bath towels Monogrammed for your team ( FYI Pale Emerald + White TGM Embroidery = ~$312 + shipping) $ An entire IKEA store $ 336 tacos from Taco Bell Value Menu (including tax). Tarpon League taco eating competition? $ Bacon Gift Pack Bacon wallet, Bacon Flavored Dental Floss, Bacon Shaped bandages, Set of 4 Bacon place mats, and bacon printed packing tape $38.27 before shipping! You could buy around 8 of each to cover your Christmas gifts! This is just a small sampling of where the $320 could go. You could even do rational things with it, like save it or buy an appliance or something!
5 Be productive on Fridays Let s stop for a second to be honest with ourselves; Friday morning is the fucking devil. I used to dread Monday mornings, but the tide has turned, and in a USA Today/ ABC News poll, Friday mornings edged out Monday mornings for the worst morning of the week. My Friday morning timeline goes down something like this: Wake up at 7:15 Stumble to bathroom Drink about a gallon of water from the showerhead Spend the next 10 minutes looking for my pants Attempt to iron shirt Put ice on burned hand Back into garage door Open garage door Time travel to my desk Pray for death Imagine what could be done with my Friday mornings when I m not feeling like a bag of smashed assholes? Mostly dick around and laugh at pictures of cats with funny captions on the internet, but I wouldn t feel like shit!
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