Book and Lyrics by Pat Lydersen Music by Wendy Woolf. Copyright 2008, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. under the title, To Be or Not To Be... a Pirate?!

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1 Book and Lyrics by Pat Lydersen Music by Wendy Woolf Copyright 08, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. under the title, To Be or Not To Be... a Pirate?! Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80. All rights to this musical including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given. These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom. COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW. On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:. The full name of the musical 2. The full name of the playwright and composer/arranger 3. The following notice: Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado

2 ADVENTURES OF THE FEARSOME PIRATE FRANK Book & lyrics by PAT LYDERSEN Music by WENDY WOOLF CAST OF CHARACTERS # of lines NARRATOR...storyteller NARRATOR 2...ditto 48 TREASURE CHEST (TC) PIRATES -...introduce scenes 4 THE FEARSOME PIRATE FRANK SHOW PIRATE ACTORS -6...Frank s supporting actors and 60 actresses GIRLS -3...Elizabethan era valley girls who are fans of Frank FRANK...talented actor, if only he could 90 remember his lines DIRECTOR...very angry at Frank 3 ESMERELDA...actress; also angry at Frank 3 MR. SMEE...Frank s agent 36 VILLAGER ACTORS -2...play villagers in the show 7 SPIDERMAN...really wants a part in the show 6 NASCAR DRIVER...also really wants a part 3 CAP N FRANK S CREW CAP N FRANK...the real fearsome pirate and a 98 female BETTY BONES...her first mate 4 ONE-EYED JOAN...one of Cap n Frank s crew 7 HILARY HOOK...ditto GIMPY GERT...ditto 8 LITTLE NELL...ditto 4 OLD TILLY TAR...ditto 22 OTHER PIRATES CAP N BEN DAVIES...mean pirate with a grudge; 3 becomes a zombie once he walks the plank VITA LU PIRATES...Captain Ben s crew; can also play ZOMBIES ii PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

3 NIGHTMARE SAILORS...haunt Cap n Frank s dreams; n/a include a GRIM REAPER, an EXECUTIONER and a HANGMAN ZOMBIES...from the zombie ship, the n/a Blackmark CREATURES OF THE SEA WATER DANCERS...create water effect for sirens n/a SIRENS -3...mermaids with allure and a lot 34 of makeup ALBATROSS...unlucky bird 2 FLEXIBLE CASTING This musical can be done with anywhere from to 4 or more actors. All groups designated with numbers, such as PIRATE ACTORS -6, are flexible in size. Lines can easily be shared between fewer or more actors than the number specified. Many roles can be played by either male or female actors. The following are the exceptions: ESMERELDA, the SIRENS, Cap n Frank and her crew of pirates must be played by female actors; Frank, the pirate actors, Cap n Ben and the Vita Lu crew should be male. If male actors are in short supply, Cap n Ben and his crew can easily be played by the same actors as the pirate actors. For a smaller cast, many actors can play multiple parts. GIRLS -3 can also play SIRENS -3, etc. In the original production, most of the VITA LU CREW doubled as the NIGHTMARE SAILORS and ZOMBIES, with a slight change in costume for each. iii

4 Adventures of the Fearsome Pirate Frank - Set Design vi PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

5 SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS MC MC 2 MC 3 MC 4 MC 4a MC 4b MC * MC 6 MC 6a MC 7 MC 7a MC 7b MC 7c Overture...Instrumental The Fearsome Pirate Frank...Ensemble, Frank Don t Mess with Frank...Cap n Frank, Pirates The Crew of the Vita Lu...Vita Lu Pirates Siren s Song Part One...Sirens Siren s Song Part Two...Sirens Esmerelda s Makeup Case...Esmerelda, Sirens Cap n Frank s Nightmare Part One...Cap n Frank, Nightmare Sailors Cap n Frank s Nightmare Part Two...Cap n Frank, Nighmare Sailors It s Not Easy Being an Albatross...Albatross, Frank, Esmerelda, Smee Zombie Dance Music...Instrumental The Fearsome Pirate Queen...Ensemble, Frank, Cap n Frank Curtain Call (Don t Mess With Frank)...Ensemble, Frank, Cap n Frank *Please Note: "Esmerelda's Makeup Case" lends itself especially well to live piano accompaniment, which allows your singer to have more freedom with the tempo throughout the number. For a more playful feel, try picking up the tempo starting at measure 24. v

6 SYNOPSIS OF SCENES Scene One: Introducing the Fearsome Pirate Frank Show. Played in front of the curtain Scene Two: Shanghaied! Played in front of the curtain Scene Three: On the high seas Scene Four: Flashback to the Vita Lu and her crew Scene Five: The sirens song Scene Six: Mr. Smee s grand idea Scene Seven: Cap n Frank s nightmare Scene Eight: The albatross brings dark news Scene Nine: The noble Captain Frank saves the day SET DESCRIPTION Scenes One and Two are played in front of the curtain with optional rehearsal blocks of varying sizes. Scenes Three through Nine depict Captain Frank s ship and can be as simple or elaborate as desired. At the very least, use fragmentary set pieces such as a ship s steering wheel on a small platform UP CENTER, barrels, block and tackle, ropes, crates, etc. The steering wheel is a little UPSTAGE of CENTER. Blocks, sheets of wood or fabric stretched over a large frame can extend from both sides of UP CENTER to create the walls of the ship. There should be enough room between the UPSTAGE start of the walls for people to enter and exit (six feet or so). You want to give the impression that the ship is quite large and that the sides extend past the edges of the stage; if your stage is too wide, you can use flats to create the ship width appropriate for your playing space. Rehearsal blocks can also be used. An optional crow s nest UP CENTER can be any sort of elevated seat, such as stacked rehearsal blocks or a small ladder. A plank should be brought on for Scene Four and securely fastened to one of the rehearsal blocks, then removed before the next scene. See PRODUCTION NOTES for suggestions and diagrams on dressing up the set more elaborately. For the first two scenes and all narrator segments, DOWN RIGHT and DOWN LEFT are used as exits. On the ship, STAGE RIGHT and LEFT are the main exits, masked by boxes and barrels, or perhaps a hatch door, since these are supposed to be exits to the ship s hold below. However, ZOMBIES and NIGHTMARE SAILORS enter and exit from all directions over the ship s walls, if possible. See the set design on page vi. iv

7 0 2 3 ADVENTURES OF THE FEARSOME PIRATE FRANK Scene One MUSIC CUE : Overture. LIGHTS UP: VARIOUS PIRATES and/or PIRATE ACTORS are FROZEN in different positions ONSTAGE in front of the CURTAIN. Each UNFREEZES as he/she speaks. PIRATE : Avast! PIRATE 2: Ahoy! PIRATE 3: Thar she blows! PIRATE 4: Shiver me timbers! PIRATE : Fifteen men PIRATE 6: on a dead man s chest! ALL PIRATES: Arrr! (ALL FREEZE again as NARRATORS ENTER.) NARRATOR : Pirates. (Looks over the PIRATES and then turns to the AUDIENCE.) People have always been enamored with pirates. NARRATOR 2: Maybe it s the perennial appeal of the bad boy FEMALE PIRATE: (UNFREEZES momentarily.) or bad girl NARRATOR 2: image. NARRATOR : Maybe it s the romantic picture of mysterious schooners flying the Jolly Roger on the Spanish Main. NARRATOR 2: Maybe it s the allure of tropical islands and treasure chests brimming with gold and silver. NARRATOR : (Motions to the PIRATES.) Maybe it s the cute outfits they wear with the striped shirts, ragged pants and rakish black eye patches. NARRATOR 2: Every year, the number one selling costume for Halloween is a pirate costume. NARRATOR : Books, movies, toys and video games have all jumped on the pirate bandwagon or ship, I guess you d say. NARRATOR 2: There s even a national Talk Like a Pirate Day. NARRATOR : Pirates are in. NARRATOR 2: Pirates are popular. NARRATOR : There s just no getting around it. NARRATOR 2: The show you are about to see is a shameless attempt to capitalize on this pirate phenomenon. NARRATOR : The playwright could have chosen any number of topics, topics more praiseworthy and more original, but let s face it all of you out there came to see a pirate play.

8 0 2 3 NARRATOR 2: Would you have come to see a dissertation on the effects of aerosol sprays on the ozone layer? (PIRATES UNFREEZE, say Arrr! and EXIT DOWN RIGHT. GIRLS rush ON DOWN RIGHT screaming. NARRATORS stop them.) NARRATOR : Where are you girls going? GIRL : To see The Fearsome Pirate Frank Show! GIRL 2: He is, like, so adorable! GIRL 3: I love when he says, Avast ye lily-livered bilge rat! GIRL : Or when he calls all the girls, Me fine wee wenches! GIRL 2: Oh my gosh, wenches! I love when he says wenches!! (GIRLS scream and run OFF LEFT.) NARRATORS: (Look at each other, then at the AUDIENCE.) We rest our case. TREASURE CHEST PIRATES -: (ENTER DOWN RIGHT, pulling on a rope tied to a large treasure chest, which they drag toward CENTER. TC PIRATE pushes from behind. TC PIRATE 2 is inside the chest. Chant.) Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, To Davy Jones locker we go, ho ho. Yo ho ho, yo ho ho (Stop CENTER.) TC PIRATE : (Lifts up the top of the chest, revealing a sign written inside. To the AUDIENCE in a very pirate-like voice.) The Adventures of the Fearsome Pirate Frank. TC PIRATE 2: (Pops up from inside the chest holding another sign which says Part, the First. ) Part, the First! (Sinks back down into the chest as TC PIRATE closes the top and the other TC PIRATES resume pulling it LEFT, chanting once more.) TC PIRATES -: Yo ho ho, yo ho ho. We be doin a pirate show, ho ho. Yo ho ho, yo ho ho (EXIT DOWN LEFT.) NARRATOR : The original Fearsome Pirate Frank wasn t really a pirate, you know. NARRATOR 2: He was an actor back in the days of old Willy Shakespeare. NARRATOR : Frank was a pretty good actor. (FRANK ENTERS DOWN RIGHT and stands between NARRATORS.) NARRATOR 2: He could strike a noble pose. (FRANK strikes a noble pose.) NARRATOR : He could convey comedy (FRANK assumes a silly pose.) NARRATOR 2: and tragedy (FRANK changes into a tragic figure.) with the best of them. 2

9 0 2 3 NARRATOR : He did have one major flaw, though. NARRATOR 2: No matter how hard he tried, poor Frank just could not remember his lines. (NARRATORS move DOWN LEFT, leaving FRANK CENTER.) FRANK: (Dramatic.) To be or not to be (Breaks character.) is that the question? NARRATOR : This made directors very angry. DIRECTOR: (ENTERS. Angry.) No, no no! To be or not to be, that is the question! FRANK: That s what I asked is that the question? DIRECTOR: Not Is that the question? That is the question! FRANK: But if the question is DIRECTOR: Get him out of here! Out! Out! Out! (STAGEHAND ENTERS DOWN LEFT and pulls FRANK OFF. DIRECTOR EXITS.) NARRATOR 2: It made other actors angry, too. NARRATOR : One night, Frank was playing opposite the world-famous actress, Esmerelda Effington. ESMERELDA: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, playing Juliet, and moves to CENTER.) Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo? (No answer. Looks around nervously.) Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo? (Still no answer.) Romeo? FRANK: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT dramatically and moves toward ESMERELDA.) Get thee to a nunnery! ESMERELDA: (Angry.) Get thee to a nunnery? Get thee to a nunnery! You ve got the wrong play, you moron! (Bops him on the head with her fist. SOUND EFFECT: BOP. [See PRODUCTION NOTES] To the AUDIENCE.) I will never work with that fool again! (Storms OFF DOWN RIGHT, leaving FRANK standing CENTER, looking bewildered.) NARRATOR 2: Poor Frank. And he had quite a crush on Esmerelda, too. NARRATOR : Audiences weren t very patient with Frank either. (A GROUP [NOTE: Can be TREASURE CHEST PIRATES and GIRLS in different costumes or other EXTRAS.] ENTERS LEFT carrying items to throw and sits in front of FRANK as his audience.) FRANK: Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and uh maybe yesterday creeps into this, uh, this, uh, this pretty place, and (GROUP boos and hisses and throws things at FRANK, then chases him OFF LEFT. [NOTE: GROUP should pick up items they throw as they EXIT.]) NARRATOR : Obviously, Frank wasn t going to make it as a great Shakespearean actor. 3

10 0 2 3 NARRATOR 2: He was in luck, though, because just about the time he was thinking of chucking the whole thing and becoming a chimney sweep, he was taken on by an agent who knew just what kind of part fit Frank to a tee. NARRATOR 2: His name was Mr. Smee. (Sarcastic.) Hmm. I wonder where our playwright got that name. (FRANK and SMEE ENTER DOWN LEFT and cross to CENTER.) SMEE: I tell you, Frank. This is the part for you! FRANK: Really? SMEE: Sure! There are no stuffed shirt directors or temperamental actresses to deal with here. All you have to do is look fierce and daring with your sword and eye patch, and you ve got it made! FRANK: I can look fierce and daring! (Strikes a daring pose.) SMEE: Of course you can! And best of all, there are no complicated lines to learn. When you can t think of what to say, just say Arrr! FRANK: Arrr? SMEE: A little deeper. FRANK: Arrr. SMEE: Let it come from your throat. FRANK: Arrr. SMEE: And now with gusto! FRANK: Arrr! SMEE: By George, I think you ve got it! FRANK: Arrr! Arrr! Arrr! (EXITS DOWN RIGHT with SMEE.) NARRATOR : And so Frank won the lead in the new pirate show that was taking the town by storm. NARRATOR 2: And he became the Fearsome Pirate Frank! (LIGHTS DIM as he makes a presentational gesture with his arm. NARRATORS EXIT. LIGHTS COME BACK UP. VILLAGER ACTORS and 2 from The Fearsome Pirate Frank Show run ON DOWN RIGHT.) VILLAGER ACTOR : (Shouts.) Sound the alarm! Sound the alarm! (More VILLAGER ACTORS run ON DOWN RIGHT. [NOTE: Divide the lines according to the number of VILLAGER ACTORS used.]) VILLAGER ACTOR 2: It s the Fearsome Pirate Frank! VILLAGER ACTOR : His ship has just laid anchor! VILLAGER ACTOR 3: Close your windows and doors! VILLAGER ACTOR 4: Lock up your gold and silver! VILLAGER ACTOR : Hide your jewels and heirlooms! 4 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

11 0 2 3 VILLAGER ACTOR 6: He ll steal the rug from under your feet! (FRANK ENTERS DOWN RIGHT with PIRATE ACTORS -6 [or however many used]. He looks extremely dashing.) VILLAGER ACTOR 7: But he ll be very handsome and dashing while he does it! PIRATE ACTOR : (Moves the VILLAGER ACTORS aside.) Gangway, me buckos! PIRATE ACTOR 2: Gangway! (There is a general hubbub as FRANK and his PIRATE ACTORS take their stand CENTER before the VILLAGER ACTORs.) PIRATE ACTOR 3: Hold yer tongues, ye lubbers! PIRATE ACTOR 4: Or we be holdin em for ya! PIRATE ACTOR : The Fearsome Pirate Frank be havin somethin ta say! PIRATE ACTOR 6: And he be ready ta say it! VILLAGER ACTOR 8: Quiet, everyone! Quiet! VILLAGER ACTOR 9: The Fearsome Pirate Frank is going to speak! VILLAGER ACTOR 0: What do you want, oh Fearsome Pirate Frank? VILLAGER ACTOR : We are but simple villagers. VILLAGER ACTOR 2: But we will try to meet your demands. FRANK: I be wantin VILLAGER ACTORS: Yes? FRANK: I be wantin VILLAGER ACTORS: Yes? FRANK: Arrr! VILLAGER ACTORS: Arrr? (Look at each other. With enthusiasm.) What a pirate! (MUSIC CUE 2: The Fearsome Pirate Frank. Sing.) The Fearsome Pirate Frank, the Fearsome Pirate Frank! The Fearsome Pirate Frank, the Fearsome Pirate Frank! He s a buccaneer without a peer, A pirate beyond compare. A swashbucklin guy with a patch on his eye. A strong and brave corsair! He sails the Jolly Roger And preys on ships at sea. He steals your gold, but we are told He ll invite you back for tea! FRANK: (Sings.) I ll invite you back for tea! VILLAGER ACTORS: (Sing.) The Fearsome Pirate Frank, the Fearsome Pirate Frank! The Fearsome Pirate Frank, the Fearsome Pirate Frank!

12 0 2 3 FRANK: (Sings.) With a hearty ahoy, me and me mates Search the sea for pieces of eight. PIRATES: (Sing.) Treasure chests and gold doubloons, Silver and pearls from old Rangoon! FRANK: (Sings.) Lovely lassies who sigh and swoon. PIRATES: (Sing.) Shiver me timbers, the swaggies lose sleep When Frank be sailin the briny deep! FRANK: (Sings.) Shiver me timbers, the swaggies lose sleep When I be sailin the briny deep! VILLAGER ACTORS: (Sing.) He s a gentleman of fortune, A prince of the pirate clan. He s out for treasure, but measure for measure, He s a most impressive man. FRANK: (Sings.) I m a most impressive man! VILLAGER ACTORS: (Sing.) The Fearsome Pirate Frank, the Fearsome Pirate Frank! The Fearsome Pirate Frank, the Fearsome Pirate Frank! The Fearsome Pirate Frank, the Fearsome Pirate Frank! (BLACKOUT.) End of Scene One Scene Two LIGHTS UP: In front of the CURTAIN. NARRATORS ENTER. NARRATOR : The Fearsome Pirate Frank Show was the hit of the year in merry old England. Attendance topped Shakespeare s stuff by a mile! NARRATOR 2: Which I think says something about the taste of the Elizabethan public. NARRATOR : Frank and his band of pirates were instant celebrities, accosted everywhere they went by screaming wenches desperate to get an autograph or steal a piece of pirate paraphernalia. (FRANK runs ON DOWN LEFT, chased by GIRLS -3, screaming and carrying pictures of Frank, autograph books, pens, etc. FRANK signs a few autographs, and the GIRLS squeal and then EXIT RIGHT while FRANK FREEZES CENTER.) NARRATOR 2: Yes, it was a glorious time for Frank. He had become a star. NARRATOR : And he had even gotten to work with Esmerelda Effington again. (FRANK UNFREEZES.) ESMERELDA: (ENTERS LEFT with her cutlass, crosses to CENTER.) Frank, what do you think of this new costume I have for the Pirate Queen? Tell me the truth. Does it make me look fat? 6

13 0 2 3 FRANK: Make you look fat? Why, my dear Esmerelda, you are a vision in velvet! (NOTE: If a velvet dress is not available, substitute an appropriate descriptive word.) You are you look Arrr! ESMERELDA: Arrr! What s that supposed to mean? You do think I look fat! (Approaches him, angry.) You think I look like a fat pig, don t you? Say it! (Bops him on the head with the handle of her cutlass. SOUND EFFECT: BOP.) Say it! I know it s what you think! FRANK: No, Esmerelda! No! I I (She bops him on the head again with another SOUND EFFECT.) Arrr! (ESMERELDA EXITS LEFT. FRANK moves RIGHT and FREEZES.) NARRATOR : (Shakes his head.) Ouch! NARRATOR 2: Anyway, Frank had become rich. NARRATOR : He had become famous. NARRATOR 2: What more could he ask for? (FRANK UNFREEZES. He is in his dressing room getting ready for the night s show and mimes primping in a mirror.) SMEE: (ENTERS RIGHT and crosses to FRANK.) Here are the receipts for last night s show, Frank. This pirate gig is an absolute gold mine. Who would have thought people would love pirates so much?! FRANK: I don t know, Smee. I m getting a bit tired of saying arrr every night. It s starting to do quite strange things to my vocal cords. SMEE: Maybe you should add in a few more ahoys and avasts. You re very good at those lines, too. FRANK: True. And my Thar she blows! was quite successful last night. (Sighs.) But it s more than the lines, Smee. Something is missing in my life. I can t quite put my finger on it, but I feel incomplete in a way dissatisfied. NARRATOR : Would you believe it an introspective pirate! There may be more to Frank than meets the eye. FRANK: I think what I need is a fine, big, liverwurst sandwich. NARRATOR 2: Then again, maybe not. NARRATOR : To get on with our story, one night Frank and his band of pirates were in the midst of their show when they had some unexpected visitors. (SOUND EFFECT: DRAMATIC CHORD.) Nice touch, that music, don t you think? NARRATOR 2: It was Act Two, and Frank had just met up with his arch nemesis, the Pirate Queen, played of course by that onetime Shakespearean sensation and head-smacker extraordinaire, Esmerelda Effington! (NARRATORS EXIT as PIRATE ACTORS and ESMERELDA ENTER LEFT and join FRANK at CENTER. [NOTE: During the next several lines, CAP N FRANK and her CREW work 7

14 0 2 3 their way from the back of the auditorium down the aisle through the audience.]) ESMERELDA: Who gave you leave to come ashore on the island of the Pirate Queen? FRANK: I need no man to give me leave, Pirate Queen. I be the Fearsome Pirate Frank. I ask leave of no man! CAP N FRANK: (From the back of the auditorium.) The Fearsome Pirate Frank! Who be the fearsome Pirate Frank? FRANK: (Aside to PIRATE ACTOR.) Who said that? PIRATE ACTOR : (Also aside.) It came from the audience. Just ignore it, Frank. ESMERELDA: (Continues with the scene.) You may ask leave of no man, young pirate, but if you value your life, you better ask leave of me, the Pirate Queen! CAP N FRANK: (From the AUDIENCE, unseen by ACTORS.) Shiver me timbers! The wench imagines she be a queen! (Other WOMEN PIRATES laugh.) FRANK: (A bit distracted.) Ye... uh ye uh arrr! (One of his PIRATE ACTORS whispers in his ear.) Oh, right! Ye may be a queen, me beauty, but I be a king! The Fearsome Pirate Frank, King of all Pirates! CAP N FRANK: (From the AUDIENCE.) Now ye re tryin me patience, laddie. Come on, me mateys, it be time ta set the record straight! (With a yell, WOMEN PIRATES from the AUDIENCE jump ONSTAGE. They are dressed in grimy dark colors, in contrast to the bright colors of the male PIRATE ACTORS.) You ain t the Fearsome Pirate Frank! Ye and yer mates be just lily-livered landlubbers pretendin ta be pirates. (WOMEN PIRATES laugh.) BETTY: Lubbers they be all right, Cap n! JOAN: They ain t ne er set foot on a pirate ship, that be sure! HILARY: (Takes a PIRATE ACTOR S cutlass. [NOTE: A fake cutlass may be made by stretching fabric over a wire hanger so that it bends.]) Look at this wee cutlass, Gimpy Gert! GERT: (Takes it.) Aw, ain t it sweet! PIRATE ACTOR 2: Give that back! HILARY: (Takes and bends it.) It be bendin like a willow on a riverbank! NELL: (Takes a PIRATE ACTOR S hat and wig.) And they be wearin wigs like fine, pretty wenches! PIRATE ACTOR 3: (Grabs his wig and hat.) That is really rude! 8 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

15 0 2 3 CAP N FRANK: (Approaches FRANK; threatening.) What do ye have to say for yerself, Fearsome Frank? What be the matter? Cat got yer tongue? FRANK: (Intimidated.) Oh, well um uh arrr! TILLY: Arrr! The little bilge rat be sayin arrr! JOAN: Arrr! I think a frog be jumpin in his throat! TILLY: Or he be chokin on a sea slug! (WOMEN PIRATES laugh.) CAP N FRANK: (Throws FRANK aside and approaches ESMERELDA.) And this queen a pirates here. She be just a silly wee wench thinkin a great lot a herself! ESMERELDA: That is enough! Get off the stage this minute! I shall not have my scene ruined by some low-life women dressed as filthy scoundrels! CAP N FRANK: Low-life women? Filthy scoundrels?! Do ye hear that, mates? She be sullyin our reputations! Watch yer tongue, lassie, or I be introducin ye ta the cat o nine tails! GERT: Aye! The cat! Let s give her the cat! ESMERELDA: Frank, do something! Get these women who have never heard of bath powder or deodorant off the stage this instant! FRANK: Of course, Esmerelda. Listen, ma am, if you d be good enough to leave, we won t press charges. CAP N FRANK: Leave, he says! Leave! I be leavin when I be good and ready, ye scurvy little dog. And when I do, I think I be takin one a ye with me. (To NELL and TILLY.) Grab the wench! NELL: Aye, aye, Cap n! (She and OLD TILLY grab ESMERELDA.) CAP N FRANK: By the look a her, I be thinkin we be getting a fine fat ransom fer the stuck-up little lassie. FRANK: No! Let her go! (Moves with the PIRATE ACTORS to help ESMERELDA, but they are stopped when the WOMEN PIRATES pull out their cutlasses.) JOAN: (Holds a cutlass to FRANK S neck.) What be ye sayin, matey? FRANK: I mean, uh, please let her go? CAP N FRANK: Ooh! What be the matter, young squiffies. Afraid of a few sharp cutlasses held by some weak wee women? (To BETTY.) Tie em up, Bones. I think we be bringin em, too. There always be use fer a few extra hands ta swab the decks and clean out the bilges. BETTY: Aye, aye, Cap n! (To FRANK and the other PIRATE ACTORS.) Squish together, ye little fishies. I be plannin on tying ye tight! (They do as she says as she ties them together with a rope.) ESMERELDA: (Struggles to free herself.) Let go of me! Let go! 9

16 0 2 3 CAP N FRANK: Blimey! She be a right saucy wench! ESMERELDA: How dare you? Who do you think you are, accosting us like this?! CAP N FRANK: Who do I think I be? Well, I be tellin ye, little lass. (Goes over to FRANK, tied with the other PIRATE ACTORS, and looks him right in the eye.) I be known as the Fearsome Pirate Frank. The real Fearsome Pirate Frank. PIRATE ACTOR 4: Blimey! The Pirate Frank s a woman! PIRATE ACTOR : And a vicious one at that! FRANK: Oh, dear. CAP N FRANK: (To WOMEN PIRATES.) Now right smartly, me hearties! Let s get these young scrogs to our ship! We be sailin at dawn! (The WOMEN PIRATES start to drag FRANK, ESMERELDA and PIRATE ACTORS OFF DOWN LEFT.) HILARY: Ye heard the cap n. Get movin, ye scurvy addlepates! PIRATE ACTOR 6: I don t think I like what s happening here! PIRATE ACTOR : I m going to call my agent! PIRATE ACTOR 2: Me, too. This was not in my contract! PIRATE ACTOR 3: What s an addlepate? PIRATE ACTOR 4: Ow! You re pinching my arm! GERT: Hold your tongues, ye bilge-suckin blaggards, or one of me maties will hold em for ye! FRANK: Arrr! (BLACKOUT.) End of Scene Two Scene Three LIGHTS UP: In front of the CURTAIN. TREASURE CHEST PIRATES ENTER DOWN LEFT, pulling the treasure chest. TC PIRATES: (Chant.) Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, To Davy Jones locker we go, ho ho. Yo ho ho, yo ho ho (Stop CENTER.) TC PIRATE : (Lifts up the top of the chest, revealing the same sign written inside.) The Adventures of the Fearsome Pirate Frank. TC PIRATE 2: (Pops up from inside the box holding a sign that reads, Part, the Second. ) Part, the Second! (Sinks back down into the chest as TC PIRATE closes the top and the others resume pulling it across the stage.) TC PIRATES: (Chant.) Yo ho ho, yo ho ho. We be doin a pirate show, ho ho. Yo ho ho, yo ho ho (EXIT DOWN RIGHT. NARRATORS ENTER.) 0

17 0 2 3 NARRATOR : Poor Frank and his fellow actors! They never planned on being shanghaied onto a real pirate ship when they signed up for this gig. NARRATOR 2: Let alone a pirate ship run by a bunch of women! NARRATOR : Keep in mind that women did not have equal rights back in the Elizabethan era, and a real female pirate was beyond reproach. Anyway, the ship sailed at dawn, and the cast of The Fearsome Pirate Frank Show was immediately put to work, swabbing the deck, pumping the bilges and, well, whatever other lowly thing there is to do on a pirate ship. NARRATOR 2: Esmerelda was kept in a small cabin below decks which, if you ask me, was a very wise choice on the part of Captain Frank. (NARRATORS EXIT. curtain opens to reveal Cap n frank s ship. FRANK mimes pumping out bilge water and PIRATE ACTORS swab the decks with mops. ALL WOMEN PIRATES except NELL are onstage engaged in leisure activities, such as drinking grog and playing cards. BETTY is at the wheel CENTER, JOAN is in the crow s nest UP CENTER and CAP N FRANK lounges on a crate reading a book.) PIRATE ACTOR : (Looks at the WOMEN PIRATES.) Look at them, lounging around up there while we do all the work. PIRATE ACTOR 2: This is so embarrassing, being shanghaied by a bunch of women! PIRATE ACTOR 3: But they re not ordinary women look at them! PIRATE ACTOR 4: I always thought women pirates were supposed to wear cute skirts and net stockings. PIRATE ACTOR : Yeah, and those little camisole things with the laces. CAP N FRANK: Shut yer traps down there and keep swabbin those decks! PIRATE ACTOR 6: Aye, aye, sir... ma am! (To OTHERS.) Somehow, I can t see her in a cute skirt and stockings. ESMERELDA: (Runs ON LEFT, clearly very upset. NELL follows her ON. PIRATE ACTORS stop work to watch and listen.) This is outrageous! Completely outrageous! NELL: (To CAP N FRANK.) I try to be keepin her in her cabin, Cap n, but she be runnin out soon s I turned me back. ESMERELDA: I refuse to be kept in that filthy place! CAP N FRANK: Are ye tellin me, lassie, that ye not be happy with yer accommodations? ESMERELDA: Accommodations! You could hardly call that smelly, ratinfested sinkhole accommodations! There is no place to take a

18 0 2 3 bath! I haven t been able to wash my hair! And you kidnapped me without even allowing me to bring my makeup case! JOAN: (From the crow s nest. Sarcastic.) Sink me! She ain t got her makeup case! HILARY: We better be throwin her in the jolly boat and sendin her home! FRANK: (Tries to keep ESMERELDA out of trouble.) Esmerelda, you might want to try to ESMERELDA: (To FRANK.) Don t even speak to me, you spineless imbecile! If it weren t for you, I wouldn t even be here! GERT: By the powers!! Listen ta that saucy lass! TILLY: Aye! She be a rum un all right! CAP N FRANK: Ye be talkin true, mates. We may be needin ta scupper her if she be keepin it up! PIRATE ACTOR : Scupper her? What does that mean? PIRATE ACTOR 2: I don t know, but it can t be good. CAP N FRANK: (Crosses to ESMERELDA.) Now ye be listenin ta me, lassie. I be the Cap n on this ship, and I be givin the orders. Ye be doin what I say, or ye be feedin the fishes fore the sun goes down. ESMERELDA: But you re a woman, too! You must understand my needs! CAP N FRANK: (Loses her patience.) I understand ye needs to shut yer trap! Little Nell! NELL: Aye, Cap n! CAP N FRANK: Get her back down below! I not be likin a wench like her on the deck. It be bringin down the name a us female buccaneers! NELL: Aye, aye, Cap n! (Grabs ESMERELDA S arm.) Come on, lassie. Ye not be gettin away from me this time! (Starts to drag her OFF LEFT.) ESMERELDA: (As she s dragged OFF.) You have not heard the end of this! I am Esmerelda Effington! I am a star! You can t treat me like this! (They EXIT LEFT.) PIRATE ACTOR 3: I m not sure the captain knows what she s getting into with Esmerelda. FRANK: It s not Esmerelda s fault. She s just a bit high-strung, that s all. CAP N FRANK: (Sees the PIRATE ACTORS standing around.) What be ye all doin, standin around like ye be on vacation? Betty Bones! BETTY: Aye, Cap n? 2 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

19 0 2 3 CAP N FRANK: See ta these scrogs. They don t seem ta be understandin the meanin a hard work! BETTY: Aye, aye, with pleasure! (To the PIRATE actors.) Look at this deck, ye scabby dogs! I be havin ye swabbin all night if ye can t be doin a better job than this! PIRATE ACTOR 4: But Miss Bones, we have been swabbing all night! PIRATE ACTOR : It s so clean my grandmother would eat off it! BETTY: Then your grandma be a scurvy old wench! Do as I say and keep swabbin! (Looks at FRANK, who has stopped pumping the bilge water to listen.) What be ye lookin at, ye slimy scrog? Keep that bilge water pumpin! FRANK: But Miss Bones, I do believe you are being rather unfair. Look at all the pirates up there. They have barely done a lick of work since we boarded the boat. BETTY: (Approaches FRANK.) First of all, this be a ship, a great grand ship. Don t insult her by callin her a boat! Second of all, ye don t question orders, ye follow em. Now pump that bilge water! FRANK: Yes, ma am, but well, I have another concern about this entire enterprise. This bilge water as you call it is quite filthy. I wouldn t doubt that it is teeming with harmful bacteria. I think it is extremely irresponsible of you to ask us to stand in it like this. PIRATE ACTOR 6: I agree. Who knows what kind of diseases we are being exposed to. FRANK: Not to mention the rats. This bo I mean ship, is infested with them. You really should call an exterminator. BETTY: An exterminator, ye say? (Calls up to CAP N FRANK.) Do ye hear that, Cap n Frank? The wee scrog here thinks we should be callin an exterminator! CAP N FRANK: An exterminator? (Laughs.) An exterminator! (Laughs some more and then goes over to FRANK.) Ye better watch yer tongue, me bucko. The only exterminatin done on this ship be by me. (Threatening.) And I don t waste me time on furry little rats. FRANK: No, ma am. Of course not. I was only pointing out that CAP N FRANK: Hold yer tongue, ye scurvy dog! The likes a ye don t be pointin out things ta the likes a me! Ye and that troublesome wench don t seem ta understand yer situation here. Don t yer know whose ship this be? Don t yer know who I be? FRANK: Uh, well, uh you re the captain I know, but CAP N FRANK: Belay the buts, ye blaggard! I told ye b fore, I be the Fearsome Pirate Frank! The terror a the high seas! I ain t no fancy actor pretendin to be a pirate. Open yer deadlights, matey. A woman I may be, but I be the real thing the toughest, meanest, 3

20 0 2 3 nastiest cap n ta fly the Jolly Roger! (MUSIC CUE 3: Don t Mess With Frank. Sings.) I be a pillagin pirate, A nasty mean ol salt. I ve fed the fish with many a man, But blimey, that ain t me fault. PIRATES: (Yell.) er fault! CAP N FRANK: (Sings.) I ll give the Black Spot to ya, Cause dead men tell no tales. I ll send ya to the Fiddler s Green, And then I ll hoist me sails! PIRATES: (Sing.) And then she ll hoist er sails! CAP N FRANK: (Sings.) I be the pirate Frank. PIRATES: (Sing.) The Fearsome Pirate Frank. CAP N FRANK: (Sings.) And many a man has walked the plank Because he s messed with Frank. PIRATES: (Sing.) Don t mess with Frank! CAP N FRANK: (Sings.) Booty is me callin, Silver and doubloons. And any blaggard what crosses me Will find hisself marooned! PIRATES: (Yell.) Marooned! CAP N FRANK: (Sings.) I ll use the cat o nine tails And send to the briny deep The scurvy dog what steals me swag. I ll make his widow weep! PIRATES: (Sing.) She ll make his widow weep! CAP N FRANK: (Sings.) I be the pirate Frank. PIRATES: (Sing.) The Fearsome Pirate Frank. CAP N FRANK: (Sings.) And many a man has walked the plank Because he s messed with Frank. PIRATES: (Sing.) Don t mess with Frank! CAP N FRANK: (Sings.) I be a pillagin pirate, A nasty mean ol salt. I ve fed the fish with many a man, But blimey that ain t me fault. PIRATES: (Yell.) er fault! CAP N FRANK: (Sings.) I ll give the Black Spot to ya, Cause dead men tell no tales. I ll send ya to the Fiddler s Green, And then I ll hoist me sails! PIRATES: (Sing.) And then she ll hoist er sails! 4

21 0 2 3 CAP N FRANK: (Sings.) I be the pirate Frank! PIRATES: (Sing.) The Fearsome Pirate Frank! CAP N FRANK: (Sings.) And many a man has walked the plank Because he s messed with Frank! ALL: (Sing.) And many a man has walked the plank Because he s messed with Frank! PIRATES: (Sing.) Don t mess with Frank! (MUSIC OUT.) JOAN: (From the crow s nest.) Sail ho, Cap n! Sail ho! I spy me a ship on the starboard sea! CAP N FRANK: See to it, Bones. We may have some swag to be collectin. BETTY: Aye, aye, Cap n. (Runs to the bow of the ship DOWN CENTER, takes a spyglass from her belt and scans the horizon.) CAP N FRANK: (To FRANK and the PIRATE ACTORS.) And ye lubbers get back ta work, or I be havin ye all keelhauled fore dawn! FRANK/PIRATE ACTORS: (Murmur.) Yes, ma am. Yes, ma am. BETTY: It be a ship all right, Cap n. It be (Looks more carefully.) it be the zombie ship the Blackmark! CAP N FRANK: (Aghast.) The Blackmark?! ALL PIRATES: (Aghast.) The Blackmark! CAP N FRANK: (Frantic.) Begad! Come about! Come about! (all the PIRATES run to their various sailing duties. PIRATES and PIRATE ACTORS scream out the following lines as they try to sail the ship away from the zombie ship.) BETTY: Come about! HILARY: Come about! CAP N FRANK: Smartly, mates! Right smartly! If we don t out sail the blaggard, we be feedin the fishes with our fine carcasses! GERT: Man the halyards! TILLY: Trim the mizzen! JOAN: Reef the gollywobber! CAP N FRANK: Ye scrogs o er there, batten down the hatches! FRANK: Aye, aye, Cap n! Batten down the hatches! PIRATE ACTOR : (Runs around frantically with the other PIRATE ACTORS.) Batten down the hatches! PIRATE ACTOR 2: Batten down the hatches! PIRATE ACTOR 3: Where are the hatches? PIRATE ACTOR 4: What are the hatches? BETTY: She be closin fast, Cap n!

22 0 2 3 CAP N FRANK: Jibe, me jacks! Jibe! Jibe! ALL: Jibe! Jibe! Jibe! ESMERELDA: (ENTERS LEFT.) What is going on up here? FRANK: Esmerelda! Watch out! (ESMERELDA is knocked over in the commotion.) Esmerelda! (Runs to help her.) BETTY: She be gainin on us, Cap n! CAP N FRANK: Blimey! We be in for it! Yaw ta starboard, me hearties, yaw ta starboard! Or we be seein the inside a Davy Jones locker! PIRATES: (Ad lib.) Come about! Man the halyards! Trim the mizzen! Reef the gollywobber! Batten down the hatches! What is going on? Yaw! Yaw! Yaw, ta starboard! (BLACKOUT.) End of Scene Three Scene Four LIGHTS UP: On the NARRATORS DOWN LEFT. NARRATOR : Captain Frank and her crew raced across the sea all day, all night and all the next day trying to outrun the zombie ship. NARRATOR 2: Finally, just as the sun was beginning to set on the second night, they seemed to have lost her. (NARRATORS EXIT. PIRATES and PIRATE ACTORS look completely spent from their wild flight.) BETTY: (Looks through her spyglass.) I think she be gone, Cap n. There be no sign a her on the rizon. CAP N FRANK: Thank the powers! FRANK: (The only one not exhausted.) That was the most exhilarating experience I ever had! The excitement of the chase! The feel of the wind on my face! ESMERELDA: You, Frank, are an idiot. PIRATE ACTOR : I feel like every bone in my entire body has been crushed into mush. PIRATE ACTOR 2: Me, too. Every time the ship pounded down on a wave I wanted to scream. PIRATE ACTOR 3: I think I m going to be sick. (Leans over the side of the ship and retches.) BETTY: Should I put a mate on watch wi me, Cap n, and let the others get some sleep? CAP N FRANK: Aye, Betty. We be wantin em fresh if the Blackmark shows herself again. BETTY: (To the PIRATES.) Old Tilly Tar, ye be keepin watch with me. The rest a ye, check the sheets and halyards and then to yer bunks to get some shut-eye! 6 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

23 0 2 3 PIRATES: Aye, aye, Bones! (Busy themselves with checking things. GERT and NELL EXIT LEFT after a few seconds.) CAP N FRANK: I be in me cabin if ye need me. (Starts to leave, but notices FRANK and the other PIRATE ACTORS.) Send the scrogs below decks fer some sleep, too, Bones. We may be needin em to help with the sails fore this voyage be done. And get that wench down below! I don t know why she not be stayin where we be puttin her! (EXITS LEFT.) BETTY: Aye, aye, Cap n! (To the PIRATE ACTORS.) Ye heard the cap n. Get yerselves below and rest up so ye can be a some use t morrow! PIRATE ACTOR 4: Yes, ma am, Miss Bones! Below decks we go! PIRATE ACTOR : We re on our way! PIRATE ACTOR 6: Post haste, as it were! (PIRATE ACTORS EXIT LEFT.) BETTY: (Sees FRANK and ESMERELDA are still there.) And what be ye two waitin fer? ESMERELDA: I have no intention of going back down there again. It s rancid, filthy and smells like vomit! BETTY: (Threatening.) Listen, lassie, I not be wantin ta tie ye to the gunnels for a floggin, but ye be temptin me mightily. FRANK: (Quickly intercedes.) Sorry, Miss Bones. She doesn t mean to complain. She s just tired. You have to remember we re just lowly actors, unaccustomed to the rigors of the pirating life! ESMERELDA: (Highly insulted.) Lowly actors! Speak for yourself, Frank. I am no lowly actor. I am a star, and I expect to be treated as such! BETTY: Taint no stars on this ocean, lassie, cept the stars in the sky. I be suggestin ye get yerself down below, or I be havin me mates carry ye down! ESMERELDA: You wouldn t dare! BETTY: Hilary Hook and One-Eyed Joan, carry the wench below! HILARY/JOAN: Aye, aye, Bones. (Approach ESMERELDA.) ESMERELDA: (Backs away.) Get away from me! Get away from me, you you putrid pirates! (Screams as they pick her up.) Put me down! You can t treat me like this! I am Esmerelda Effington! I am a star! Queen of the theater! Put me down! (They EXIT LEFT with her.) TILLY: That be a right spirited young wench, Bones. BETTY: Aye, she be that, Old Tilly. She be that. (Sees FRANK still standing there.) And why be ye still here, ye young scallywag? FRANK: (To BETTY.) Well, Miss Bones, uh I was wondering, Miss Bones, if uh 7

24 0 2 3 BETTY: Out wi it, swabby. Ye be wastin me time! FRANK: I was wondering if I was wondering if maybe I could remain on watch with you and Miss Tilly Tar. I m not sleepy. And perhaps I could be of some help. I could I don t know help do whatever it is you do on watch. BETTY: Ye wanna help, eh? Arrr (Thinks it over.) TILLY: (To BETTY.) It not be a bad idea ta have an extra set a eyes tonight, mate. BETTY: Aye, I guess t aint no harm in it. (To FRANK.) Ye can stay so long s ye don t get in our way. FRANK: Thank you, Miss Bones! I won t be in the way, I promise! (He and BETTY move DOWN RIGHT and begin their watch. TILLY takes the ship s wheel. The NARRATORS ENTER.) NARRATOR 2: Either Frank is really taking to the pirate life or he has something up his sleeve. NARRATOR : Which I highly doubt. I don t think he s clever like that. FRANK: (Uses the spyglass while BETTY relaxes on the deck and TILLY mans the steering wheel.) Nothing out there, Miss Bones. (Looks at the spyglass.) This is really a very nice spyglass, Miss Bones. Much better than the one I used in the play. BETTY: Course tis. I got it from me great great grandpa fore he danced wi ol Jack Ketch. FRANK: Danced with Jack Ketch? Was he a pirate, too? TILLY: (Laughs.) Be Jack Ketch a pirate, too?! (Laughs again.) Blimey! That be a good un! BETTY: Jack Ketch be the hangman, me young swab. Many a pirate be dancin wi him fore their life be through. TILLY: Aye, that or be findin a bunk in Davy Jones locker. FRANK: Oh. I guess there s quite a bit I don t know about pirates. My acting coach always told me to research my parts, but I just never really had the time. It always took me such a very long time to learn my lines. BETTY: (To TILLY.) Turn a bit ta port, Old Tilly. We be wantin ta catch more a that sou easterly wind. TILLY: (Turns the wheel.) Aye. And may this fair wind be takin us further away from that blasted zombie ship. FRANK: What is that zombie ship? It s not full of real zombies, is it? Captain Frank seemed especially upset by it. TILLY: (Moves DOWN RIGHT.) Not full of real zombies?! Shiver me timbers, lad, where ye been all yer life?! The Blackmark be the bane a every jack what sails the seas. 8

25 0 2 3 BETTY: Especially it be the bane a our own Cap n Frank. TILLY: Aye. The Blackmark be followin her e er since she done the deed, it has. FRANK: Done the deed? What do you mean? TILLY: That be fer Betty Bones ta tell ye, lad. She were there from the very start. I just come in fer the finale. What say ye, Bones? Be ye wantin ta tell the lad the tale? BETTY: Begad, why not, Old Tilly? It be a long story, but we be havin a long night. Sit yerself down, laddie, and get yerself ready ta hear bout some black and evil doin s. I were just a young swab at the time, and best friend to Cap n Frank. Her father were the cap n a the Vita Lu, a fine fast sloop bound fer the Barbary Coast (LIGHTS DIM as BETTY begins to tell her story. OPTIONAL SPOTLIGHT UP on the NARRATORS DOWN LEFT.) NARRATOR : In order to milk this piratey play to the fullest, the playwright has decided to insert a flashback here. NARRATOR 2: It provides the opportunity for more action, more swashbuckling and more pirates which, of course, is what every pirate aficionado wants. NARRATOR : Imagine yourself, therefore, cast back in time to the days of Betty Bones s tale, to the days of the Vita Lu! (Spot out on Narrators. Lights come up onstage, where the crew of the Vita Lu are working and singing their song. MUSIC CUE 4: The Crew of the Vita Lu. ) CREW OF THE VITA LU: (Sings.) Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho ho. Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho ho. We be the crew of the Vita Lu, The grandest ship on the sea! We take no quarter on this here water. We loot every swaggy we see! Avast! There be a swaggy alee! With a yo ho, yo ho, yo ho ho. We sail our sloop, we plunder and loot. The skull and bones we fly. When we hears sail ho, we smartly go To raise our cutlasses high! Aye, raise that cutlass high! With a yo ho, yo ho, yo ho ho. Every Jack Tar be knowin we are The fiercest ship a any by far. The fiercest ship a any by far! Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho. Every Jack Tar be knowin we are The fiercest ship a any by far! 9

26 0 2 3 The fiercest ship a any by far! Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho. Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho ho. Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho ho. We be old sea dogs, we drinks our grog. We fights fer hearties and mates. Pirates we be, our home be the sea, And Davy Jones locker our fate! Ahoy, Mr. Davy, be we late? With a yo ho, yo ho, yo ho ho. (Sung in round.) GROUP : (Sings.) We be the crew of the Vita Lu, GROUP 2: (Sings.) The grandest ship on We be the crew of the Vita Lu, The sea! We take no quarter on this The grandest ship on the sea! here water. the sea! We loot every swaggy We take no quarter on this we see! here water. Yo ho, yo ho We loot every swaggy we see! Yo ho ho. We be the crew of the Vita Lu Yo ho, yo ho, The grandest ship on the sea! Yo ho ho. We take no quarter on this here water Yo ho ho We loot every swaggy we see! Yo ho ho. Yo ho ho. Yo ho ho. Yo ho ho. (The music and singing gradually fades out as lights dim on stage. A SPOT COMES UP on BETTY and FRANK STAGE RIGHT.) BETTY: Cap n Frank s father died on the Vita Lu, and Ol Ben Davies took o er as cap n. He were the meanest old sea dog what e er walked the deck of a sailing ship. (LIGHTS SHIFT to CAPTAIN BEN and his PIRATES as they ENTER LEFT and RIGHT.) CAP N BEN: (To some VITA LU PIRATES, who are talking together.) Belay that talk, ye swabs, or I be hanging ye by yer thumbs ta the bowsprit! VITA LU : Sorry, Cap n. We be just about ta see ta the baggy wrinkle. VITA LU 2: It be rottin away, Cap n, an the sails be chafin. CAP N BEN: Then be doin it, buckos. And right smartly, too, if ye know what s good fer ye! (VITA LU 3 ENTERS DOWN LEFT dragging VITA LU 4 by a rope.) VITA LU 4: (Struggles.) No, no! PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

27 0 2 3 VITA LU 3: Here be the bilge rat what be dippin into the doubloons, Cap n. CAP N BEN: Keelhaul the blaggard, then feed im ta the fishes! VITA LU 4: No! Please, Cap n. I be doin it fer me poor mother! I be sendin er the loot ta keep er from the poorhouse! No!! (Screams as he s dragged OFF LEFT. LIGHTS SHIFT to BETTY and FRANK DOWN RIGHT.) BETTY: Aye, Ben Davies were a mean old dog all right, and he were the meanest ta the women on board me and Frank. He couldna get rid a us cause he had made a promise ta Frank s father when he were on is deathbed. Frank s da had always wanted a son, ye see, ta carry on in his footsteps as a pirate. That be why he named his daughter Frank. He made ol Ben promise ta train Frank in the buccaneerin ways after all, he, unlike most folks, believed in the natural abilities a women. A promise be sacred in the pirate code, so Ben had ta keep us. He didna have to be nice ta us, though soon as Frank s da passed away, Ben put us ta work doin the worst lowest jobs even a scurvy bilge rat would turn his nose at. (LIGHTS SHIFT to CAPTAIN BEN and YOUNG CAP N FRANK CENTER. BETTY removes her hat to become YOUNG BETTY and joins them CENTER. [NOTE: Age shifts will continue to be signified by taking off or putting on hats.]) CAP N BEN: (To YOUNG CAP N FRANK.) Get down in that head, swabby, an clean out all the scum ye find there. I want it sparklin, ye hear, sparklin! (To YOUNG BETTY.) And what be ye lookin at, scrog! Get down in that bilge water an strain out that moldin sea grass! (LIGHTS SHIFT to OLD TILLY and FRANK DOWN RIGHT.) OLD TILLY: It stuck in Ben s craw, all right, ta have two women on board. And most a the crew felt the same. There weren t many women piratin back in them days. Most ol tars thought it be bad luck ta have a female on the ship. With Frank s father gone, there weren t no one ta speak up fer us when Ben be blamin us fer e erything that went wrong. (LIGHTS SHIFT to CAP N BEN and YOUNG CAP N FRANK CENTER, with YOUNG BETTY nearby. The OTHER VITA LU PIRATES, busy with various duties around the ship, look over when CAP N BEN starts talking to YOUNG CAP N FRANK.) CAP N BEN: Ye know why we be missin out on that chase, ye woeful wench, ye? We be missin out on that fine fat swaggy cause ye did na yaw ta port when I be tellin ye! YOUNG BETTY: But, Cap n, ye be tellin er ta sail ta starboard! CAP N BEN: Hold yer tongue, ye scurvy wench! Ye not be callin me a liar! VITA LU : Ye ain t no liar, Cap n. I be hearin ye tellin er ta yaw ta port! 2

28 0 2 3 VITA LU 6: I be hearin it, too. Yaw ta port, ye said! VITA LU 7: That s what comes a havin a wench on board. She don t know port from starboard. YOUNG CAP N FRANK: Shut yer traps, ye dogs. Or I be shuttin em for ye! (LIGHTS SHIFT to FRANK and OLD TILLY.) BETTY: (Puts hat back on and joins FRANK.) E ery day Cap n Frank be spendin on the ship under Cap n Ben Davies were ta bring the day a reckonin one day nearer. She begun ta plot and ta plan. She begun ta plan mutiny, ye see. One night when we set ashore in the port a Capetown, she brought on board a crew a the toughest, meanest women pirates that ever sailed the seven seas Tilly Tar, One-Eyed Joan, Gimpy Gert, Little Nell and Hilary Hook. Them five and me and Cap n Frank overpowered the rest a the crew while they be sleepin and took o er the ship. Cap n Ben were right surprised when he be comin on deck that mornin. (LIGHTS SHIFT to the YOUNG WOMEN PIRATES, with cutlasses out, guarding the tied-up Vita Lu PIRATES.) CAP N BEN: (ENTERS LEFT.) What be the meanin a this? Who be these wenches with their cutlasses drawn? YOUNG CAP N FRANK: They be me crew, Ben. The crew that answers ta me as cap n. CAP N BEN: A crew a women? Ha! Disarm them, mates! Take em down! VITA LU PIRATE 8: We would, Cap n, but we be a bit tied up right now. VITA LU PIRATE 9: They came upon us while we was asleep, Cap n. VITA LU PIRATE 0: We ne er had a chance. CAP N BEN: Ne er had a chance gainst wee wenches?! What a scurvy lot ye be! VITA LU PIRATE : But, Cap n, these wenches be vastly underestimated! VITA LU PIRATE 2: Aye, they be right mean an vicious! YOUNG CAP N FRANK: They be talkin true, ol Ben. We be mean an vicious, an we be meanin ta take o er this ship. CAP N BEN: Never! No scurvy wenches be takin o er my ship! (Starts to move towards YOUNG Cap n Frank but is immediately stopped by YOUNG TILLY and YOUNG JOAN, who hold their cutlasses to his throat.) YOUNG TILLY: What ye be sayin bout scurvy wenches, Ben?! YOUNG JOAN: I be thinkin this ol dog be askin to take a walk on our plank. (YOUNG TILLY EXITS and RE-ENTERS with the plank and fastens it facing STAGE LEFT.) 22

29 0 2 3 YOUNG NELL: Aye, it be a nice day fer walkin. YOUNG HILARY: (To the VITA LU CREW.) What say ye, mates? Do ye want ta see yer cap n walk the plank? YOUNG GERT: (Threatening with her cutlass.) Or would ye rather do it fer him? VITA LU : If I be choosin tween him an me, I be choosin the cap n ta do the walkin. CAP N BEN: Ye mutinous dog! YOUNG CAP N FRANK: What bout the rest a ye mates? Do ye want ta see yer cap n walk the plank? VITA LU 2: I ne er really liked the cap n. VITA LU 3: Me neither. VITA LU : Make im walk the plank is what I say! VITA LU 6: Better him than us! VITA LU 7: Make im walk! ALL VITA LU PIRATES: Walk the plank! Walk the plank! YOUNG CAP N FRANK: Ye heard the mates, ol Ben. It be time fer ye ta feed the sharks and say hello to Davy Jones! On ta the plank wi im! (The YOUNG WOMEN PIRATES drag CAP N BEN to the plank.) CAP N BEN: This be not the end, wench. I be back! I be back ta haunt ye! (Grabs YOUNG CAP N FRANK S hand.) YOUNG CAP N FRANK: Get away from me, ye blaggard! CAP N BEN: There! I give the Black Spot to ye. Ye be marked now. Aye, ye be marked, cause a the black deed ye done today! (Yells as he jumps OFF LEFT.) Blackmark! (BLACKOUT.) End of Scene Four Scene Five LIGHTS UP: On NARRATORS DOWN LEFT. NARRATOR : In the interests of any children out there in the audience, I would like to state that no actors were hurt during the performance of that scene. NARRATOR 2: When Captain Ben walked the plank, he did not fall into the ocean to feed the sharks. NARRATOR : In fact, in accordance with the Actors Union Code 386, a soft mattress was placed beneath the plank to cushion his fall. NARRATOR 2: Now, back to our story. Dawn was breaking by the time Bones had finished her tale. (NARRATORS EXIT as LIGHTS SHIFT to FRANK, BETTY and TILLY DOWN RIGHT.) 23

30 0 2 3 FRANK: So the zombie ship Blackmark is helmed by the ghost of Captain Ben Davies? BETTY: Aye. Cap n Frank took over the helm, fired the old Vita Lu pirates, hired on all the women pirates what helped er in the deed and went on ta make a name fer herself as the most fearsome pirate on the boundin main. TILLY: Aye, many a story were told bout the cap n s adventures. BETTY: An e ery ship what sees our Jolly Roger be ready ta sink from sheer fright. TILLY: Except fer the Blackmark. It be sighted on the sea following us exactly one year after the bloody deed. BETTY: And it be hauntin Cap n Frank e er since. FRANK: My word! That is quite an incredible tale! No wonder Captain Frank is so disturbed by this Blackmark ship. (ESMERELDA ENTERS LEFT during these lines. She notices a belaying pin on deck, picks it up and bops FRANK on the head with it. SOUND EFFECT: BOP.) Ow! ESMERELDA: Look at you! Consorting with pirates! Listening to their drivel! FRANK: Esmerelda! TILLY: Mind yerself, mate! She be armed with a belayin pin! FRANK: Esmerelda, I just ESMERELDA: (Bops him on the head again. SOUND EFFECT: BOP.) Don t talk to me, you traitor! BETTY: Now listen ESMERELDA: (Bops BETTY on the head, too. SOUND EFFECT: BOP.) Listen yourself! I have had it with all you women pirates! Just look at you! You re a disgrace to all womanhood. Why you you you haven t even learned to use a proper conditioner on your hair! (Bops all three of them on the head. SOUND EFFECT: BOP BOP BOP.) TILLY: Man the decks! Man the decks! CAP N FRANK: (Runs ON LEFT with the rest of the WOMEN PIRATES as BETTY, TILLY and FRANK run from ESMERELDA, who has them cornered.) What be it, Tilly? Be the Blackmark in our sights? TILLY: Taint the Blackmark, Cap n! BETTY: It be this wench gone crazy with a belayin pin! CAP N FRANK: (Relieved.) Be that all? Gimpy Gert, grab the lass. Tilly and Betty Bones seem ta be a might under the weather just now. GERT: Aye, Cap n. TILLY: Watch yerself, Gert! She be a terror with that thing! 24 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

31 0 2 3 GERT: (To ESMERELDA.) Listen, missy, we just (She s bopped on the head. SOUND EFFECT: BOP.) Ow! That be right painful! HILARY: I be takin care a this, Cap n. Now ye wee wench, if ye would just (ESMERELDA lets out a karate-type scream and bops her on the head, too. SOUND EFFECT: BOP. HILARY slowly swoons to the ground as she falteringly finishes her line.) lay down yer weapon. (Collapses.) JOAN: (Advancing on ESMERELDA with NELL.) Ye heard Hilary Hook. NELL: Lay down yer ESMERELDA: (Screams again and bops JOAN and NELL, too. SOUND EFFECT: BOP BOP.) Don t come near me! I have now not had a bath for over a week. My hair is so filthy I can feel the lice scurrying around in it, and I do not have one nail left on my hand that is not broken and defiled! I have been pushed beyond endurance on this ghastly ship, and I shall take it no more. Do you hear me? No more! CAP N FRANK: Blimey! The wench be goin barmy! (To her PIRATES.) Bravely, me hearties! We be needin ta disarm her. Circle round her. Work together now, me mates! HILARY: (As she wakes and stands again.) Don t ye worry, Cap n. JOAN: We be takin her down, Cap n (PIRATE WOMEN begin to converge on her.) ESMERELDA: Get away! I m warning you! I m warning (MUSIC CUE 4a: Siren s Song. ALL except ESMERELDA stop and listen, enthralled.) SIRENS: (Sing from OFFSTAGE.) Ooh Ooh ESMERELDA: (Speaks.) What s going on? What s the matter with all of you? (The MUSIC STOPS and ALL ONSTAGE FREEZE as the NARRATORS ENTER.) NARRATOR : What s the matter with them, Esmerelda asks. What has them standing there enthralled, unable to function in their piratey fashion? NARRATOR 2: It s because of the sirens, me mateys, the song of the sirens. NARRATOR : They ve been the scourge of sailors from the beginning of time. NARRATOR 2: And they re often depicted as beautiful mermaids, so of course we had to have them in this play. NARRATOR : Mermaids, you know, are as popular as pirates. NARRATOR 2: They re in. NARRATOR : They sell! (NARRATORS EXIT. MUSIC CUE 4b: Siren s Song Part Two. THREE SIRENS enter RIGHT amidst a GROUP 2

32 0 2 3 OF WATER DANCERS simulating water, who dance around the mesmerized PIRATES and the puzzled ESMERELDA.) SIRENS: (Sing.) Ooh Ooh (Gradually, the DANCERS EXIT RIGHT, leaving the THREE SIRENS ONSTAGE. MUSIC OUT. FRANK and the PIRATES kneel in front of the SIRENS and FREEZE in adoring poses.) ESMERELDA: (To the PIRATES as the MUSIC STOPS.) What are you doing? You re all acting crazy! SIREN : (UNFREEZES with other SIRENS.) Not crazy, sweetie, mesmerized. SIREN 2: We ve mesmerized them with our song. SIREN 3: It happens every time. There isn t a sailor alive, male or female, who can resist us when we sing. It s starting to get a bit tedious, if you want to know the truth. (Opens a compact and starts putting on some lipstick.) ESMERELDA: Is that lipstick and a mirror you ve got there? SIREN 3: Of course, what do you think?! (Looks at the lipstick.) Coral Frost. I used to wear Sea Foam, but it didn t do anything for my complexion. ESMERELDA: (Sees SIREN combing her hair and SIREN 2 putting on blush.) You ve got blush, and you ve got a comb (Tries unsuccessfully to hold back tears.) a wonderful, wonderful comb! SIREN : Are you all right, hon? SIREN 2: What are you crying about? ESMERELDA: (Wipes her eyes.) I m sorry. It s just been so long since I ve seen a comb and lipstick. Those horrid pirates kidnapped me without my makeup case, and SIREN 3: Kidnapped you without your makeup case?! SIREN : How dare they?! SIREN 2: Kidnapping is one thing, but depriving a woman of her foundation and mascara is inexcusable! SIREN 3: Despicable! ESMERELDA: (Cries again.) I know! And without moisturizer my skin has become dry and flaky. My complexion is blotchy, and my hair is a rat s nest! (Cries even more. MUSIC CUE : Esmerelda s Makeup Case. Sings.) You would never know it to look at me, But I was a beauty, yes, something to see. A queen of the stage, with fortune and fame. The audience cheered when they called out my name. SIRENS: (Sing.) The audience cheered when they called out your name! 26

33 0 2 3 ESMERELDA: (Sings.) Then came this pirate and her vile crew To take me away from all that I knew. They were so low, so evil, so base, They even refused me my makeup case. SIRENS: (Sing.) They even refused you your makeup case! ESMERELDA: (Sings.) I have not had a bath in so very long, Or a nice shampoo, and that is just wrong. I miss the lotion I used every day, And all those products that made life okay. I dream at night of my makeup case, Full of nice things to put on my face. SIRENS: (Sing.) It s really pathetic to have no cosmetics. ESMERELDA: (Sings.) Where is my makeup case?! Mascara, lip gloss and perfume, Foundation, some blush and shampoo, Lovely nail polish in pink and in blue. SIRENS: (Sing.) Lotion, eye liner, a brush and comb, too. ESMERELDA: (Sings.) A hint of blue shadow on my lids SIRENS: (Sing.) made you look sultry. ESMERELDA: (Sings.) I know it did! And there was nothing so soothing, I m sure ALL: (Sing.) than a long and relaxing manicure. ESMERELDA: (Sings.) The feel of mascara on my lash, A touch of perfume SIRENS: (Sing.) Just a dash! ESMERELDA: (Sings.) Lining my lips in subtle peach tones... SIRENS: (Sing.) Applying blush to show higher cheekbones ESMERELDA: (Sings.) I dream at night of my makeup case, Full of nice things to put on my face. SIRENS: (Sing.) You can wax so poetic O er every cosmetic. ESMERELDA: (Sings.) In my dear makeup case! SIRENS: (Sing.) You feel so frenetic Since you lost your cosmetics. ESMERELDA: (Sings.) I know they re synthetic, But oh so aesthetic! Yes, every cosmetic In my makeup case! SIRENS: (Sing.) Your dear makeup case! ESMERELDA: (Sings.) I want it back! (Music out.) 27

34 0 2 3 SIREN : Poor thing! SIREN 2: We have to help her, don t you think? SIREN 3: Of course, we women have to stick together. SIREN : Come here, honey, we have something to say. SIREN 2: We have seen many pirates in our day. SIREN 3: Pirates who have sunk ships SIREN : pillaged villages SIREN 2: keelhauled their victims SIREN 3: or made them walk the plank. SIREN : But we have never seen pirates guilty of such an atrocious act as this. SIREN 2: We have never seen pirates who have deprived a woman of ALL SIRENS: her makeup! SIREN 3: We shall therefore release these pirates from their attachment to us SIREN : and teach them how important makeup can be for a woman. SIREN 2: They re women after all, though you d never know it to look at them. SIREN 3: They must be made aware of the responsibility that all women bear. SIREN : They must be taught to face the world, strong and brave. SIREN 2: They must learn the merits of choosing the right shampoo and conditioner! SIREN 3: Of using moisturizer and a good foundation! SIREN : There s so much for them to learn! SIREN 2: And you shall be their teacher! ESMERELDA: Me? You want me to turn these woeful wretches into presentable women armed with mascara, lip gloss and a subtle blush? SIREN 3: What better teacher than a poor woman who has been victimized by these ignorant pirates who don t have the sense to protect their faces from the damaging effects of sun and wind? SIREN : We shall cast a spell over them to make them putty in your hands. SIREN 2: They will beg you to bestow upon them the knowledge of Avon and Max Factor SIREN 3: But before we do that, we will give you 28 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

35 0 2 3 ALL SIRENS: A makeover! ESMERELDA: A makeover! Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! (BLACKOUT.) End of Scene Five Scene Six LIGHTS UP: The TREASURE CHEST PIRATES ENTER DOWN RIGHT, pulling the chest as usual. TC PIRATES: (Chant in unison.) Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, To Davy Jones locker we go, ho ho. Yo ho ho, yo ho ho (Stop CENTER. TC PIRATE lifts up the top.) TC PIRATE : The Adventures of the Fearsome Pirate Frank. TC PIRATE 2: (Pops up from inside the chest holding a sign which says Part, the Fourth. ) Part, the Fourth! (NARRATORS ENTER.) NARRATOR : Hold on! Hold on! What happened to part the third? NARRATOR 2: You never came out with any Part, the Third! TC PIRATE : I told you they d notice! TC PIRATE 2: We missed Part, the Third. (Points to TREASURE CHEST PIRATES 3-.) They were taking a Ho Ho break. NARRATOR : A Ho Ho break? TC PIRATE 3: Yeah, I love those things, with the chocolaty outside and the creamy inside. (Licks his lips.) Mmmm! NARRATOR 2: You can t be taking Ho Ho breaks in the middle of the show! TC PIRATE 4: Well, then you shouldn t be having us say yo ho ho, yo ho ho all the time! TC PIRATE : You can t be always saying yo ho ho without having a Ho Ho is my thinking! NARRATOR : Well, maybe you shouldn t be thinking! TC PIRATE : (Hurt.) That s not a very nice thing to say. TC PIRATE 4: Look what you did, you hurt his feelings. TC PIRATE 3: Just because you re the big deal narrator, you think it s all right to hurt other people s feelings. TC PIRATE 2: That s right! You owe him an apology, Mr. Big Deal Narrator! NARRATOR : All right, all right, I m sorry! Now get off the stage. We ve got to move on with the play. TC PIRATE 3: All right, all right, but that apology didn t sound very sincere. (TC PIRATE 2 sinks back into the chest, and the OTHERS pull it OFF LEFT in grumpy silence.) 29

36 0 2 3 NARRATOR : (Turns to the AUDIENCE.) That is what happens when you hire non-equity actors. NARRATOR 2: Anyway, the sirens were true to their word. They gave Esmerelda a makeover and cast a spell over the pirate women that made them crave a good shampoo and facial. NARRATOR : Esmerelda had the time of her life fixing their hair and faces. NARRATOR 2: The sirens had left her with a good supply of cosmetics, so she was able to work wonders on the spellbound pirates. NARRATOR : By the next morning, Frank and his fellow actors were shocked by the change in the pirate crew. (LIGHTS SHIFT to JOAN, GERT, NELL, TILLY, the PIRATE ACTORS and ESMERELDA, who is dressed in a fancy dress. The belaying pin lies at her feet while she applies eye shadow to NELL. The PIRATE ACTORS are doing various chores on the deck, and the WOMEN PIRATES are busy looking in mirrors, fixing their hair, etc. They are all dressed in more feminine pirate outfits.) ESMERELDA: Do you like the color of this eye shadow for Little Nell, Frank? FRANK: Um, uh, yes, Esmerelda. It s very nice. ESMERELDA: Maybe I should have gone for a deeper blue to bring out the color of her eyes. PIRATE ACTOR : I don t get this. PIRATE ACTOR 2: Me neither. JOAN: (Crosses to ESMERELDA.) I was contemplatin on addin some lace to me eye patch, Esmerelda. What do ye think? ESMERELDA: That might look a bit tacky, Joan. I would suggest just using a fine black silk. Sleek and sophisticated is the look you should go for, I think. PIRATE ACTOR 3: Sleek and sophisticated? One-Eyed Joan? Who is she kidding! GERT: (Picks up the belaying pin, crosses to PIRATE ACTOR 3 and bops him on the head. SOUND EFECT: BOP.) Shut yer trap, swab, an get ta work or ye be meetin the end a me lash! PIRATE ACTOR 3: Yes, ma am. Right, ma am. GERT: (To ESMERELDA, sweet.) Esmerelda, would you be showin me how this mascara thing be workin? ESMERELDA: Of course, Gert. PIRATE ACTOR 4: How did Esmerelda get to be so in demand all of a sudden?

37 0 2 3 FRANK: It s something that happened last night. I m not quite sure what it was, but I woke up from some kind of trance or something, and all the pirates were pleading with Esmerelda to show them how to put on a proper base. It was quite strange. BETTY: (ENTERS LEFT.) Be gettin yerselves ready, all ye swabs and jack tars. Cap n Frank be about ta unveil her new look. ESMERELDA: Wonderful! Did she decide to wear that cute outfit I found in that old trunk for her? BETTY: That she did, Essie, and it be lookin right smart on er. HILARY: (ENTERS LEFT.) Introducin Cap n Frank, the Pirate Queen! CAP N FRANK: (ENTERS LEFT dressed in a new pirate queen outfit. The WOMEN PIRATES applaud.) Thank ye, mates. I do be lookin right queenly, don t I! TILLY: (Looks OFF RIGHT.) Sail, ho! A ship be comin dead ahead! CAP N FRANK: A ship, ye say. Man the sheets! Trim the sails! Let s be bringing yon swaggy abreast! BETTY: Man the sheets! Trim the sails! PIRATE ACTOR : What s happening? PIRATE ACTOR 6: Have they seen the zombie ship again? FRANK: (Excited.) No, it s another ship! Look at the flag! HILARY: We be closin in, Cap n! CAP N FRANK: Grab yer cutlasses, mates. We be bout ready ta board! PIRATES: Aye, aye, Cap n! (Grab their cutlasses.) PIRATE ACTOR : Oh, no! I don t think I like what s happening here! PIRATE ACTOR 2: They may have a new look, but they re still the same old pirates. PIRATE ACTOR 3: Those cutlasses are very sharp! GERT: They re not fer ye scrogs, but fer the swabs on the other scow! CAP N FRANK: (To WOMEN PIRATES.) Ready, me hearties! Let s be boardin her! (The WOMEN PIRATES yell and run OFF RIGHT. FRANK, ESMERELDA and the PIRATE ACTORS watch. SOUND EFFECT: BATTLE NOISES during the following lines.) ESMERELDA: Oh dear, I hope they don t smear their makeup. It took such a long time to do! PIRATE ACTOR : Look at Captain Frank! PIRATE ACTOR 2: She s ruthless! PIRATE ACTOR 3: She s a terror! ESMERELDA: But she looks so cute in her new outfit! 3

38 0 2 3 PIRATE ACTOR 4: Betty Bones is almost as tough as Cap n Frank! PIRATE ACTOR : Watch how she swings that cutlass! PIRATE ACTOR 6: Those poor sailors don t have a chance! (BATTLE NOISES SUBSIDE.) ESMERELDA: What are they doing now? FRANK: Collecting their plunder, I think. ESMERELDA: I hope they find some tasteful clothes. PIRATE ACTOR : They re coming back! PIRATE ACTOR 2: Get a load of all the stuff they ve stolen! PIRATE ACTOR 3: Huge bags of it! PIRATE ACTOR 4: And they re bringing a captive, too! (The WOMEN PIRATES ENTER RIGHT, laden with enormous bags of loot. NELL and GERT drag in the CAPTIVE who has a burlap sack pulled over his head.) JOAN: This be a great grand haul, Cap n. HILARY: That swaggy were laden ta the gunnels. CAP N FRANK: Aye, it were a rich one, all right. Take the loot below decks, mates. We be countin it out later tonight. JOAN/HILARY/TILLY/BETTY: Aye, aye, Cap n. (EXIT LEFT with the bags of loot.) CAP N FRANK: (Crosses to the struggling CAPTIVE.) Now, me wee landlubber, can ye be still so we can be takin the bag off yer head? NELL: I think he be tirin, Cap n. GERT: But he were a lively one all right. CAP N FRANK: Lively and rich, me hearties. By the look a his fine clothes, we be gettin a goodly ransom fer the lubber. Unwrap him, mates, it be time fer him ta see his new home. NELL: Aye, aye Cap n. (Pulls off the bag to reveal a bedraggled SMEE.) PIRATE ACTORS: Mr. Smee! FRANK: Mr. Smee? What are you doing here?! CAP N FRANK: Ye be knowin this here bilge sucker, young swabs? PIRATE ACTOR : He s Mr. Smee. FRANK: He was my agent! PIRATE ACTOR 6: And the manager of our show. SMEE: And a producer of great renown! CAP N FRANK: Well, that be grand! (To SMEE.) I be knowin ye d be bringing us a fine fat ransom. 32 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

39 0 2 3 SMEE: I can bring you more than that, Captain. When I heard you had kidnapped the cast of my entire show, it gave me an idea that could make millions! I d be willing to share some with you if you d cooperate and let Frank go, too. I ll be needing him for this new venture. CAP N FRANK: I be listenin, mate. SMEE: We had been doing a pirate show. It was successful, yes, but you saw it, it was all make-believe. It was eventually going to run its course. Nothing stays hot forever. Nothing except CAP N FRANK: Except? SMEE: Except the real thing! CAP N FRANK: What ye be meanin? SMEE: I got this idea to develop a show where the audience really gets to experience life on a pirate ship. They are taken out to sea and live the true pirate life for a week or a month whatever. That s why I was on that ship, doing research. CAP N FRANK: Research? NELL: He be a bit barmy, don t ye think, Cap n? GERT: Crazy as a loon! SMEE: No, Captain, this will work. I know it! We could even build suspense by having a vote now and then where the loser has to walk the plank. People will be lining up to do this. I m thinking of calling it, get this a reality show! CAP N FRANK: A reality show? Hah! That be a good un! Listen, ye large-mouthed scallywag, scupper yer squiffy show! I be takin ye ta port and collectin a fine fat ransom fer ye, and (Points to FRANK.) I be keepin this wee scrog here ta work on me ship. (Calls.) Gimpy Gert and Little Nell! NELL/GERT: Aye, Cap n! CAP N FRANK: Trim the sails, mates. I be wantin ta catch this fair wind while it still be blowin. NELL/GERT: Aye, aye, Cap n! CAP N FRANK: (As she EXITS LEFT.) A reality show! Blimey! That will ne er fly! A reality show! Ha! SMEE: (To FRANK.) That s a very cute outfit the captain has on. Has she ever done any acting? (BLACKOUT.) End of Scene Six 33

40 0 2 3 Scene Seven LIGHTS UP: On NARRATORS DOWN LEFT. NARRATOR : Pirates, mermaids and now a reality show! Another shameless milking of pop culture. NARRATOR 2: Before you know it, we ll have comic book heroes and Nascar drivers written into the script! NASCAR DRIVER: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT with SPIDERMAN.) Could you tell us where the director of this show is? SPIDERMAN: We heard they had some openings in the final scene. NARRATOR 2: (To the AUDIENCE.) What did I tell you?! NARRATOR : (To DRIVER and SPIDERMAN.) Get lost, guys. The director is gone for the evening. NASCAR DRIVER: Well, geez, you don t have to be so rude about it. (To SPIDERMAN.) Let s go back there, anyway. We may find someone we can talk to. SPIDERMAN: It s worth a try. I really want to be in this show. (They EXIT DOWN LEFT.) NARRATOR 2: Like that will really happen! NARRATOR : Anyway, while Smee was having dreams of producing a reality show, Captain Frank was having dreams of her own and they weren t about the latest colors in lip gloss. NARRATOR 2: You wouldn t think a bloodthirsty pirate like the Fearsome Captain Frank would have anything resembling a conscience, but the zombie ship Blackmark wasn t just following her on the high seas, it was following her in her dreams. NARRATOR : Ever since she done the black deed, she had had nightmares about Captain Ben coming back to get her. NARRATOR 2: On the night after capturing Smee, she had an especially bad one. (NARRATORS EXIT as CAP N FRANK ENTERS in her nightshirt, frantically pacing in her sleep.) CAP N FRANK: Show yerself, Ben Davies! I know ye be there! Givin me the Black Spot! Ye think I be afraid a ye? I be the Fearsome Pirate Frank! I be afraid a no one! I done the deed. I done ye in, and I be proud a it! I know ye be there, old Ben. Show yerself I say! Show yerself! CAP N BEN: (Rises slowly up from behind the back of the ship, seaweed hanging from his arms and neck.) I be here all right, Frank. I be here ta haunt ye fer the black deed ye done, fer the mutiny ye done. (Other NIGHTMARE sailors covered in seaweed come out from behind various set pieces, and begin converging around Cap n Frank. MUSIC CUE 6: Cap n Frank s Nightmare Part One. As 34

41 0 2 3 soon as the sailors start to sing, Smee and Nell enter, oblivious to the nightmare scene. Smee says his next line over the singing.) NIGHTMARE SAILORS: (Sing.) Mutiny, mutiny, mutiny, mutiny, Mutiny, mutiny, mutiny! SMEE: (To NELL.) Let me explain how I envision the show. Believe me, this idea can t lose! (CAP N FRANK glares at SMEE and NELL, and the MUSIC STOPS. ALL the NIGHTMARE CHARACTERS FREEZE.) CAP N FRANK: (Exasperated.) Little Nell! NELL: Aye, Cap n? CAP N FRANK: I be tryin ta have a nightmare here! NELL: Sorry, Cap n. We just we just be goin down below. SMEE: (As they move LEFT.) My apologies, Captain. Never let it be said that Mr. Smee interrupted a good nightmare. Carry on! (They EXIT LEFT.) CAP N BEN: (Annoyed.) Are ye ready now? CAP N FRANK: Aye, get on wi it. CAP N BEN: I tell ye, Frank, it be upsettin when a good night hauntin be gettin interrupted like that. It be breakin the mood of the thing. CAP N FRANK: (Angry.) Get on wi it, I say! CAP N BEN: Oh ho, ye be gettin a might touchy, I see. That be good, Frank, that be good! Ready, mates! A-one, and-a-two, and-a-three (MUSIC CUE 6a: Cap n Frank s Nightmare Part Two. ) NIGHTMARE SAILORS: (Sing.) Mutiny, mutiny, mutiny, mutiny, Mutiny, mutiny, mutiny! CAPN BEN: (Sings.) Ye done old Ben wrong, so it not be long Fore ye must look him in the eye. CAP N FRANK: (Speaks.) No, no! CAP N BEN: (Sings.) Admit what ye done to an innocent one. Admit and be tellin him why. CAP N FRANK: (Speaks.) I admit nothin, ye hear! SAILORS: (Sing.) Mutiny, mutiny, mutiny, mutiny, Mutiny, mutiny, mutiny! Ye were his first mate, a mighty ingrate, Who stole what yer captain had. CAP N FRANK: (Speaks.) He were stealin, not me! CAP N BEN: (Sings.) Ye took it away on that fatal day, And now he be judgin ye bad. (GRIM REAPER swings his scythe over CAP N Frank s head.) CAP N FRANK: (Speaks.) Judge me, Ben, see if I be carin! (Runs from the GRIM REAPER.) 3

42 0 2 3 SAILORS: (Sing.) Mutiny, mutiny, mutiny, mutiny, Mutiny, mutiny, mutiny! (Some NIGHTMARE SAILORS grab CAP N FRANK and lay her down with her head on a crate. EXECUTIONER raises his axe.) Ye done the black deed, and now ye need To pay fer yer villainous crime! (EXECUTIONER swings the axe down.) CAP N FRANK: (Gets away just in time. Yells.) No, I not be payin! CAP N BEN: (Sings.) A wench who has got the deadly Black Spot Must know she has run out of time! (HANGMAN swings a noose above CAP N FRANK S head.) SAILORS: (Sing.) Mutiny, mutiny, mutiny, mutiny, Mutiny, mutiny, mutiny! Ye done old Ben wrong, so it not be long Fore ye must look him in the eye. Admit what ye done to an innocent one. Admit and be tellin him why. Mutiny, mutiny, mutiny, mutiny, Mutiny, mutiny, mutiny! CAPN BEN: (Sings.) Admit what ye done to an innocent one. Admit and be tellin me why. (MUSIC OUT.) CAP N FRANK: It weren t mutiny! Ye deserved what ye got! CAP N BEN: Beware the zombie ship Blackmark, Frank. It be comin fer ye! It be comin! CAP N FRANK: Let it come, Ben Davies! I be ready ta sink it and all the phantoms what be on it! (All exit except for Cap n Frank, frantically yelling his line.) FRANK: (enters LEFT and sees her.) Captain Frank! CAP N FRANK: (Grabs FRANK around the neck and shakes him.) I be ready! Ye hear! I be ready! FRANK: (Choking.) Captain Frank! Wake up! CAP N FRANK: (Wakes up.) Who be ye, ye bilge-suckin dog?! FRANK: (Choking, barely able to speak.) It s Frank, Captain. You know, the actor you kidnapped. CAP N FRANK: What ye be doin, prowlin the deck in the middle a the night? FRANK: I heard you yelling and CAP N FRANK: (Throws FRANK aside.) Yellin! I weren t yellin! I were I were gettin some night air. Now get yerself below fore I show ye the end a me rope! 36 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

43 0 2 3 FRANK: Yes, ma am, Captain. (Starts to go, but turns.) I have nightmares sometimes, too, Captain. I dream that thousands of people are laughing at me for forgetting my lines. It makes me CAP N FRANK: Below I say! FRANK: Yes, ma am! Right away, ma am! (EXITS LEFT.) CAP N FRANK: I be ready, Ben Davies! When the Blackmark be comin, I be ready! (BLACKOUT.) End of Scene Seven Scene Eight LIGHTS UP: On NARRATORS DOWN LEFT. NARRATOR : Whew! That was a creepy scene. NARRATOR 2: What s a pirate show without a few ghosts?! NARRATOR : The next scene takes place very early the next morning. Captain Frank s ship has a visitor. (NARRATORS EXIT. LIGHTS SHIFT CENTER, where ALBATROSS sits on a crate, looking unhappy.) ALBATROSS: (Looks around, sighs loudly and then sits. Long pause. Sighs loudly again. After another moment, looks around again and then speaks. All of her lines are over-dramatized. Very sad.) Woe is me! (Another long pause.) Woe is me! (Looks around again.) I said woe is me! Woe, woe, woe is me! SMEE: (ENTERS LEFT with FRANK and ESMERELDA. They don t see the ALBATROSS at first.) I tell you, Frank, this new idea of mine is a sure-fire hit! ESMERELDA: And that is precisely why I should be starring in it, Smee. SMEE: Esmerelda, face it, you re not right for the part! But you, Frank, people already identify you as the Fearsome Pirate Frank. They d knock each other out trying to get on a ship with you! FRANK: I don t know, Smee, I (Sees the ALBATROSS.) My word! A bird! ALBATROSS: It s about time someone noticed me. I ve been sitting here for hours! FRANK: Everyone s sleeping. The pirates were up late partying last night after capturing Smee s ship. ALBATROSS: I see. Well, I guess they might as well have some fun while they can for, alas, they are doomed, doomed! SMEE: Are you a seagull? ESMERELDA: Does that mean we re near land? ALBATROSS: No, I m not a seagull. I only wish I were one of those carefree creatures. 37

44 0 2 3 FRANK: What are you then? ALBATROSS: I, young man, am an albatross, sad avian of the sea. FRANK: An albatross! I ve heard of you! ALBATROSS: Of course you have. Is there anyone that sails the seas who hasn t heard of the albatross? I am a millstone around every sailor s neck, a dreaded bird to be shot down without pity! I am an outcast, a pariah! Oh, woe is me! Woe, woe is me! (Cries.) FRANK: Don t cry. Please don t cry. It can t be that bad! ALBATROSS: That s easy for you to say! You re not an albatross. You don t understand what it s like to be shunned and feared and despised!(cries harder. MUSIC CUE 7: It s Not Easy Being an Albatross. Sings.) There is a story going round That an old mariner shot me down, And when I sadly hit the deck, They slung me right around his neck. It s not easy being an albatross. A sad, sad, sad old albatross. They say I m sure to bring bad news. To see me gives a man the blues. But I m really just a simple bird, And just in case you haven t heard, It s not easy being an albatross. If a storm brews way up in the sky, Every jack tar thinks that I Brought the wind and the hail That tore their jib and mizzen sail. Oh, woe is me! FRANK/SMEE/ESMERELDA: (Sing.) It s not easy being an albatross. A sad, sad, sad old albatross. ALBATROSS: (Sings.) When old salts see me in their sleep, They fall upon their knees and weep. Cause they believe I bring bad luck. I wish I had been born a duck. OTHERS: (Sing.) It s not easy being an albatross. ALBATROSS: (Sings.) If a ship strays sadly off its course, Every sailor thinks the source Of their faulty navigating Is yours truly it s aggravating! Oh, woe is me. 38

45 0 2 3 FRANK/SMEE/ESMERELDA: (Sing.) It s not easy being an albatross. A sad, sad, sad old albatross. FRANK: (Sings.) They say you re sure to bring bad news. SMEE/ESMERELDA: (Sing.) To see you gives a man the blues. ALBATROSS: (Sings.) But I m really just a simple bird. And just in case you haven t heard ALL: (Sing.) It s not easy being an albatross. A sad, sad, sad old Albatross ALBATROSS: (Sings.) It s not easy being an albatross! (As the song ends, the WOMEN PIRATES ENTER LEFT.) JOAN: Blimey! That trunk a clothes we brought in from Smee s ship be havin some fine little outfits in it. HILARY: I not be so sure bout wearin some a them things, though. GERT: I be agreein with ye, Hilary Hook. Some a em look so tight, they d be chafin yer underarms. TILLY: (Sees FRANK and the ALBATROSS) Begad! We be havin an albatross on board! BETTY: Little Nell, shoo it away fore the cap n be seein it! NELL: (Goes up to the ALBATROSS.) Shoo, shoo, ye blasted bird! Away with ye! JOAN: We not be wantin any a yer kind on this here ship! ALBATROSS: (To FRANK.) See what I mean? (To the WOMEN PIRATES; dramatic.) Go ahead kick me, scream at me, call me names. I expect no less. Woe is me! BETTY: We not be doin any kickin and screamin, Albatross. GERT: We just want ye to be leavin and leavin fast! HILARY: Every jack tar knows ye be bad luck! FRANK: How can you say that? She s just a bird. She can t bring luck, good or bad. TILLY: Ye not be knowin the ways a the sea, scrog. NELL: She be bad news! ALBATROSS: Woe, woe, woe is me! What a sorry life I have been dealt by the fickle hand of fate! CAP N FRANK: (ENTERS LEFT, calls OFF LEFT.) And get those scrogs cleanin up the galley! (To BETTY.) What be happenin up here, Bones? (Sees the ALBATROSS.) By the powers! Get her off this ship! Off! Off! WOMEN PIRATES: Aye, aye, Cap n. We ll get rid a her! 39

46 0 2 3 ALBATROSS: Woe, woe (As they start to converge on her.) All right, all right! I know when I m not wanted! I just have something to say, and then I ll be on my way. CAP N FRANK: We not be wantin ta hear what ye have to say, bird! ALBATROSS: Of course you don t. No one ever wants to hear what I have to say, but I m going to say it anyway. There is a dark and eerie ship of doom pursuing you! WOMEN PIRATES: The Blackmark! ALBATROSS: That is her name, and she is coming fast. All on board here shall meet a terrible fate. Only he who is pure of heart can vanquish the dusky denizens of this shadowy ship. (Beat.) Did you notice the clever alliteration I used there? Now, if you ll excuse me, I shall make my exit and find another ship where (With tears in her voice.) I will not be welcome. (Calls as she EXITS RIGHT.) Woe, woe, woe is me! JOAN: Blimey, Cap n, what we be goin ta do? HILARY: When an albatross be speakin, it be speakin true! GERT: A terrible fate she says we be meetin! CAP N FRANK: Hold yer tongues, mates! I be needin ta think! SMEE: If I might venture to suggest an idea, Captain BETTY: The cap n ain t askin fer ideas from the likes a ye! CAP N FRANK: At ease, Bones, I be open ta any ideas what might hold off this blasted zombie ship. Speak yer piece, lubber. SMEE: Well, the albatross said that only he who is pure of heart could vanquish the zombie ship. CAP N FRANK: Aye, and that be not me nor any a me mates! BETTY: That be sure! TILLY: A pure heart ain t necessarily a pirate s strong point. SMEE: Exactly! But Frank here just happens to have played Sir Galahad a year or two back. FRANK: Smee! ESMERELDA: And he forgot every line, if I remember right! SMEE: It doesn t matter if he couldn t remember the lines. As long as he didn t talk, Frank was the perfect Sir Galahad, the epitome of the pure and simple soul. ESMERELDA: He was simple all right. FRANK: Mr. Smee, I can t CAP N FRANK: Sure ye can, lad! Ye be our only chance! I like this idea of Mr. Smee s here. Tain t no doubt that me and me mates here be shark bait if we be needin ta fight with lily-white hearts. PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

47 0 2 3 We ll just be hidin below decks wi our black little hearts while ye conquer the blasted zombies! FRANK: But CAP N FRANK: And if ye succeed, I ll let ye jump ship with Mr. Smee when we gets ta port! FRANK: But what if I don t succeed? I ve never actually met a zombie before. I wouldn t know what to do! I wouldn t know what to say! SMEE: Just say you re the noble Captain Frank, with a pure heart and an honorable mien. CAP N FRANK: That be the ticket, me bucko! JOAN: (Looks out to sea.) Sail ho, Cap n! The Blackmark be comin! CAP N FRANK: This be it, me hearties, all hands below deck! (As the WOMEN PIRATES EXIT RIGHT quickly, CAP N FRANK hands FRANK her cutlass.) Here be me cutlass, mate. I not be knowin if it can cut a zombie down, but it be all I can give ye! Good luck be with ye! (EXITS RIGHT.) SMEE: (To FRANK.) Just remember all the things your acting coach taught you, Frank. Chin up, shoulders back, eyes clear. Become a seafaring Galahad the Noble Captain Frank, who fights for the honorable and the just. (FRANK tries to change into Galahad, summoning courage, puffing out his chest, etc. during all these comments.) We believe in you, Frank, we believe! (EXITS RIGHT.) ESMERELDA: (As she EXITS RIGHT.) I believe we re all crazy to rely on Frank to save us. FRANK: (Assumes several different heroic poses with the cutlass.) I am the Noble Captain Galahad, I mean Frank! I fight for the horticultural, no I fight for the Arrr! (BLACKOUT.) End of Scene Eight Scene Nine LIGHTS UP: SPIDERMAN ENTERS DOWN LEFT pulling the treasure chest. SPIDERMAN: (Chants.) Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, To Davy Jones locker we go, ho ho. Yo ho ho, yo ho ho (Stops CENTER.) Who s this Davy Jones? And why is he keeping Ho Hos in his locker? NARRATOR : (ENTERS with NARRATOR 2.) What are you doing here? Where are the pirates that are supposed to be doing this? SPIDERMAN: They re busy fighting over who ate the last Ho Ho. The stage manager said I could take over. What is all this about Ho Hos? Don t people know they re full of preservatives and are sure to give you high cholesterol? 4

48 0 2 3 NARRATOR 2: Never mind. Just get on with your part. SPIDERMAN: Sure thing. Spiderman to the rescue! (Opens the lid of the chest.) The Adventures of the Fearsome Pirate Frank! NASCAR DRIVER: (Pops up from the chest, holding a sign that reads Part, the Last. ) Part, the Last! (Sinks back down into chest as SPIDERMAN closes the lid.) NARRATOR : (Shakes his head.) We have really reached a new low. SPIDERMAN: (Pulls the chest OFF DOWN RIGHT.) Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, We be doin a pirate show, ho ho. Yo ho ho, yo ho ho (EXITS.) NARRATOR : So poor Frank was called on to save everyone on the pirate ship from the zombie horde. NARRATOR 2: He wasn t too happy as the Blackmark pulled abreast, and he was able to look over into the empty eyes of the zombie Captain Ben. (NARRATORS EXIT as FRANK ENTERS and looks over the side of the ship, RIGHT.) FRANK: Oh, dear. These zombies don t look especially friendly. I think maybe I ll hide behind this crate for a bit, to uh to plan my my attack. (Hides as the ZOMBIES ENTER from all sides. MUSIC CUE 7a: Zombie Dance Music. They look around the deck, then perform a dance. By the end of the dance, they ve discovered FRANK and pull him out of hiding.) CAP N BEN: Aha! A cowardly jack lookin ta save his worthless hide! Bring im here! FRANK: (To CAP N BEN.) Oh uh hello. CAP N BEN: I be lookin fer the dog who calls herself the Fearsome Pirate Frank! Where be the scurvy wench! FRANK: Oh, uh, her? She s not here right now, but if you d like to leave a message CAP N BEN: Answer me, mate, or I be suckin out yer soul! FRANK: Oh uh uh arrr! SMEE: (Peeks ON RIGHT.) Psst! Frank! (Holds up a cue card saying I be the noble Pirate Frank! ) FRANK: (Sees the card.) Oh, right. (Turns to the CAP N BEN.) Uh I be the noble Pirate Frank! ZOMBIES: The noble Pirate Frank? The noble Pirate Frank! CAP N BEN: What be the meanin a this?! I be followin the Fearsome Pirate Frank, lo these many days, and I know this be her ship! FRANK: You re right! This be her ship, but 42

49 0 2 3 CAP N BEN: Then show me ta her! I be plannin ta send Frank and her mates ta the briny deep where the fish will peck out their eyes and the eels will be eatin their black hearts! FRANK: Black hearts? Tis true that the Fearsome Pirate Frank had a black heart, so I threw her into the briny deep meself! She and all her evil mates! CAP N BEN: What?! Ye had no right! ZOMBIES: No right! No right! CAP N BEN: Frank be mine fer the takin! She be mine fer exactin me revenge! ZOMBIES: Revenge! Revenge! CAP N BEN: Ye took what be mine, so now I be takin what be yers yer life! (Advances on FRANK.) FRANK: (To himself.) Oh, dear, this isn t going too well. SMEE: (Peeks out again, holding the same cue card.) Frank! FRANK: Right, right! I almost forgot! Ye can t be hurtin me! I be the noble Pirate Frank! I fight fer all that be honorable and just! ZOMBIES: (Frightened.) Honor! Justice! Arggh! CAP N BEN: Hold yer tongue, dog! We not be needin ta hear such talk afore we throw yer entrails ta the sharks! Get him! (The other ZOMBIES converge on him, but FRANK holds up his cutlass.) FRANK: Stop! (Really warming to his part.) I be fearin no hateful zombies. They prey only on black deeds and black hearts! Me heart be pure, me cause be just! ZOMBIES: (Chaotically.) Arrgh! His heart be pure! His heart be pure! Arrgh! SMEE: (Peeks IN RIGHT, excited.) Now you ve got it, Frank! Bravo! Bravo! (He s pulled back OFFSTAGE.) CAP N BEN: A pure heart? We be seein about that! (Tries to attack Frank with his cutlass, but he can t touch him. His cutlass only comes within a few feet of FRANK. CAP N BEN tries again and again, getting angrier and angrier as the other ZOMBIES react and FRANK stands there whistling.) Curses! This not be fair! FRANK: Life be not fair, Cap n. Now, if ye don t mind, (Loud, advancing on the ZOMBIES.) I think I be riddin this ship of hateful zombies! (Yells and charges.) For honor and justice!! (Keeps yelling and plows through the ZOMBIES, who collapse one by one as he attacks. After they fall, they drag themselves over to the side of the ship and OFF in various directions.) That s right! Drag yer blighted carcasses away from me ship! It be a ship a goodness! A ship a light! It be needin no scurvy zombies! It be needin no vengeful zombie 43

50 0 2 3 captain! Away with ye! Away! (When all the ZOMBIES and CAP N BEN have disappeared, FRANK blows on the tip of his cutlass.) That wasn t so bad. Kind of fun, in fact. (SMEE, ESMERELDA, CAP N FRANK, the WOMEN PIRATES and the PIRATE ACTORS come running ON LEFT and RIGHT.) CAP N FRANK: Ye done it, lad! Ye beat the zombie cap n! TILLY: (Looks OFF RIGHT.) Look! The Blackmark be sinkin! It be sinkin! CAP N FRANK: And ye rid the seas a the foul ship, the Blackmark! ALL: (Except ESMERELDA.) Hooray, Frank! Hooray, Frank! HILARY: He be a jolly good fellow! JOAN: And a right fine jack tar! SMEE: It was an award-winning performance, Frank! A tour de force! ESMERELDA: It wasn t bad. SMEE: And now, Captain, I want you to keep your promise and get us back to shore so Frank can star in my new pirate reality show! ALL: To shore! To shore! FRANK: Mr. Smee, I ve got something to tell you SMEE: You do? (ALL FREEZE as the NARRATORS ENTER.) NARRATOR : I don t think Smee is going to want to hear this. (ALL UNFREEZE.) FRANK: I never was very good at acting. I hated having to learn all those lines. But I ve been so happy here on the ship. So, well, you see, I don t want to do the new show. I want to be a pirate! ALL: A pirate! (ALL FREEZE again.) NARRATOR 2: Of course, Esmerelda has to get a word in. (ALL UNFREEZE.) ESMERELDA: Don t worry, Smee, I ll step in to take the lead. I d be better than Frank anyway. SMEE: But Esmerelda, I ve told you over and over the part s not right for you. I hate to say it, but you were never very believable as the Pirate Queen. If I m to have a woman play the part, I need someone who can play it as a fearsome pirate captain, someone strong and ruthless, yet sleek and sultry someone who can strike terror into the hearts of her foes while she boldly entrances them with her feminine wiles. This is a reality show, after all, so I need a real pirate queen! (ALL FREEZE again.) NARRATOR : Now I wonder who that can be? (ALL UNFREEZE.) CAP N FRANK: I ll do it, me bucko. After all this worryin bout the Blackmark, I be ready fer a change a me occupation. Bein an 44 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

51 0 2 3 actor might be fittin me just fine. I be likin the makeup and pretty clothes, long as I still be the fearsome female I be! ESMERELDA: Noooo!! (EVERYONE freezes again. BLACKout. Spot up on NARRATORS, who have moved STAGE right.) NARRATOR : So Frank took over as captain of a real pirate ship. NARRATOR 2: Where he was happier than he d ever been in his life, sailing the seven seas and flying the Jolly Roger! (Lights up onstage, where Frank is behind the wheel of the ship.) FRANK: (Steering the ship, thoroughly enjoying himself.) Yaw ta starboard me hearties, yaw ta starboard! (Spot back up on NARRATORS.) NARRATOR : And the real Fearsome Pirate Frank became the lead of the hit show NARRATOR 2: Shanghaied by the Fearsome Pirate Queen. (MUSIC CUE 7b: The Fearsome Pirate Queen. ) ENSEMBLE: (Except CAP N FRANK. Sings.) The Fearsome Pirate Queen, the Fearsome Pirate Queen! The Fearsome Pirate Queen, the Fearsome Pirate Queen! She s a buccaneer without a peer, A pirate beyond compare. A swashbucklin maid who s never afraid, A strong and brave corsair! She sails the Jolly Roger And preys on ships at sea. She steals your gold, but we are told She ll invite you back for tea! CAP N FRANK: (Sings.) I ll invite you back for tea! ENSEMBLE: (Sings.) The Fearsome Pirate Queen, the Fearsome Pirate Queen! The Fearsome Pirate Queen, the Fearsome Pirate Queen! She s a gentlewoman of fortune, The top of her pirate class. She s out for treasure, but measure for measure, She s a most impressive lass. CAP N FRANK: (Sings.) I m a most impressive lass! The Fearsome Pirate Queen ENSEMBLE: (Sings.) The Fearsome Pirate Queen! The Fearsome Pirate Queen, the Fearsome Pirate Queen! The Fearsome Pirate Queen the Fearsome Pirate Queen! CAP N FRANK: Arrr! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.) End of Musical 4

52 0 LIGHTS UP for MUSIC CUE 7c: Don t Mess With Frank Reprise (Curtain Call). ENSEMBLE: (Except the FRANKS. Sings.) She be a pilagin pirate, A nasty mean ol salt. She s fed the fish with many a man, But blimy, that ain t er fault! PIRATES: (Yell.) Er fault! ENSEMBLE: (Sings.) She ll give the black spot to ya, Cause dead men tell no tales. She ll send ya to the Fiddler s Green, And then she ll hoist er sails. PIRATES: (Sing.) And then she ll hoist er sails. ENSEMBLE: (Sings.) She be the Pirate Frank, The Fearsome Pirate Frank. And many a man has walked the plank Because he s messed with Frank! BOTH FRANKS: (Sing.) I be the Pirate Frank, The fearsome Pirate Frank! ENSEMBLE: (Sings.) And many a man has walked the plank Because he s messed with Frank! And many a man has walked the plank Because he s messed with Frank! Don t mess with Frank!! (MUSIC OUT. Final bows.) 46

53 PRODUCTION NOTES PROPERTIES ONSTAGE: Fragmentary set pieces such as a ship s steering wheel, barrels, block and tackle, ropes, crates, etc. Optional raised platform with the ship s hull behind it, foam belaying pin. BROUGHT ON, Scene One: Wheeled treasure chest large enough for an actor to fit inside, pulled with a rope and containing a sign fitted inside the lid reading The Adventures of the Fearsome Pirate Frank (TREASURE CHEST PIRATES) Sign reading Part the First (PIRATE IN CHEST) Various items to throw at Frank (GROUP as Frank s audience) BROUGHT ON, Scene Two: Pictures of Frank, autograph books, pens (GIRLS) Hats, wigs, very fake looking cutlasses (ESMERELDA, PIRATE ACTORS) More real looking pirate cutlasses (CAP N FRANK, WOMEN PIRATES) Rope (BETTY) BROUGHT ON, Scene Three: Wheeled treasure chest with sign in lid (TREASURE CHEST PIRATES) Sign reading Part, the Second (PIRATE IN CHEST) Mops, buckets, brushes, rags (PIRATE ACTORS) Leisure activity items such as cards, drinking glasses, etc. (WOMEN PIRATES) Book (CAP N FRANK) Spyglasses (JOAN and BETTY) BROUGHT ON, Scene Four: Cutlasses, rope (WOMEN PIRATES) Spyglass (BETTY) Plank (TILLY) BROUGHT ON, Scene Five: Makeup compact, lipstick, comb, brush (SIRENS) BROUGHT ON, Scene Six: Wheeled treasure chest (TREASURE CHEST PIRATES) Sign reading Part, the Fourth (PIRATE IN CHEST) Eye shadow (ESMERELDA) Mirrors, hairbrushes, etc; bags of loot (WOMEN PIRATES) Burlap sack (SMEE) BROUGHT ON, Scene Seven: Seaweed (CAP N BEN, NIGHTMARE SAILORS) 47

54 Axe (EXECUTIONER) Scythe (GRIM REAPER) Noose (HANGMAN) BROUGHT ON, Scene Eight: Cutlass (CAP N FRANK) BROUGHT ON, Scene Nine: Wheeled treasure chest (SPIDERMAN) Sign reading Part, the Last (NASCAR DRIVER) Cue cards (SMEE) Belaying pin (ESMERELDA) SOUND AND MUSIC EFFECTS Sound effects are available on the CD-set, including the DRAMATIC CHORD, BATTLE SOUNDS and three different BOP sound effects to enhance Esmerelda s head-bopping action. However, since there are so many instances of the bop, the three tracks are at the end of the CDs so that you can choose which recorded sound effect for each occasion and burn a customized production CD. For timing purposes, you might want to use live sound effects. LIGHTING Like the set, lighting can be kept very simple. Aside from general stage lighting, spotlights for the narrator segments and the flashback storytelling segment would work well, but are not required. Also, some color to provide atmosphere would add to the overall effect of the play. COSTUMES Everyone knows what a pirate looks like! One important point in costuming the pirates, however, is that the Pirate Actors be in shiny, clean bright colors with fancy wigs (for a few at least), while the WOMEN PIRATES look dirty and grungy (in other words, real!). Hilary Hook, of course needs a hook, and One-Eyed Joan needs an eye patch. The WOMEN PIRATES change into more feminine pirate garb starting in Scene Six after their transformation by Esmerelda. Except for Cap n Frank, this could just be done with accessories. Cap n Frank should change into a full pirate queen outfit which she wears for the rest of the play. For Scene Four, the WOMEN PIRATES appear as their younger selves. To denote the change in age, hats can simply be removed and/or headscarves worn. Other costumes can be kept very simple if desired. This story takes place in Elizabethan times, so Villagers could wear simple earth- 48 PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

55 colored pants and sleeveless tunics over long sleeve shirts. This could easily be turned into a pirate costume by adding accessories of bandanas, belts, sashes, etc. Villager women could wear long skirts with peasant type blouses. The Sirens need mermaid tails, perhaps worn over a colorful unitard. Their water dancers should be dressed in, or hold, flowing blue and green fabric. The ALBATROSS should be all in white, with an orange beak and feet and black and white wings. The Nascar Driver and Spiderman costumes can easily be bought quite cheaply from a Halloween costume company (Spiderman can be Superman or any other superhero if you already have one of those costumes!) The NIGHTMARE SAILORS can wear scary half masks and rags and should be set apart from the Zombies, who might wear skeleton masks and gray rags. NARRATORS wear contemporary clothing. THE ORIGINAL PRODUCTION The set in the original production had a bi-level platform up center for the back deck of the ship. Sides were added to simulate the hull, painted like the planks of a ship. There was a rope railing and a couple of poles on each back end from which hung rope netting, a pirate flag and ropes for the pirates to work with when they re sailing. A steering wheel was fastened to a post center front of the lower deck. Two 2 x 8 plywood panels extended out on either side from this center deck to be the hull of the ship. A couple of fishnet-covered blocks were placed down left and right at the end of each hull panel. Behind this panel were other blocks to enable the nightmare SAILORS and zombies to climb up over the hull for their scenes (so it would look like they re coming up from out of the water). All except Scenes One and Two used this same set. For the first two scenes, the side hull panels were moved back even with the deck set piece, and a curtain was drawn in front of it. Scenes One and Two were done in front of this curtain, with rehearsal blocks to provide levels for the actors (e.g., to represent the dressing room). 49

56 Thank you for reading this E-view. This E-view script from Pioneer Drama Service will stay permanently in your Pioneer Library, so you can view it whenever you log in on our website. Please feel free to save it as a pdf document to your computer if you wish to share it via with colleagues assisting you with your show selection. To produce this show, you can order scripts for your cast and crew and arrange for performance royalties via our website or by phone, fax, or mail. If you d like advice on other plays or musicals to read, our customer service representatives are happy to assist you when you call during normal business hours. Thank you for your interest in our plays and musicals Outside of North America Fax PO Box 4267 Englewood, CO We re here to help!

57 Why PionEER: DRAMA WITHOUT THE DRAMA Words on a page are just words on a page. It takes people to turn them into plays and musicals. At Pioneer, we want the thrill of the applause to stay with you forever, no matter which side of the curtain you re on. Everything we do is designed to give you the best experience possible: Maintain control of your casting. We know you can t always control who auditions. Take advantage of our many shows that indicate flexible casting and switch the genders of your roles without restrictions. And with Pioneer, you also get access to scripts that were written for the entire cast, not just a star lead performer like so many other mainstream musicals and plays. Adapt and customize. Pioneer helps you manage the number of roles in your production. We indicate where doubling is possible for a smaller cast, as well as provide suggestions where extras are possible to allow for additional actors. Both options will help you tailor your play for your specific cast size, not the other way around. Be original. Get access to fresh, new musicals that will let your actors develop their characters instead of mimicking the same personalities we see on stage year after year. Take advantage of our teaching tools. Pioneer s CD Sets include two high quality, studio-produced discs one with lyrics so your students can learn by ear, the other without so they can rehearse and perform without an accompanist or pit band. You can even burn a copy of the vocal CD for each cast member without worrying about copyright laws. And with payment of your royalty, you have permission to use the karaoke CD in your actual production. It s like having an assistant. Use our Director s Books and benefit from professional features designed by and for directors. Line counts, scene breakdowns, cues and notes you ll love our spiral-bound, 8½ x books with the full script only on one side of the page to leave plenty of room for your own notes. Videotaping? We d be disappointed if you didn t! With Pioneer, you ll never have to worry about videotaping your production and posting it on YouTube. In fact, we encourage it. We understand that your production is about your performers, not our script. Make the experience the best it can be, take pictures and videos, and share them with the community. We always love seeing our scripts come to life.