By Christy Fredrickson. Copyright 2014, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Transcription

1 By Christy Fredrickson Copyright 4, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80. All rights to this play including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given. These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom. COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW. On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:. The full name of the play 2. The full name of the playwright 3. The following notice: Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado

2 DEDICATION I would like to dedicate this play to my wonderful family (all of you!), my great friend Carla, my new friend Polly and the Kiowa High School drama group of 3. Without all of you, it never would have happened. Well, okay, it might have happened, but it wouldn t have been so great! ii

3 BLACKBOOT S LOST LOOT By CHRISTY FREDRICKSON CAST OF CHARACTERS # of lines Blackboot s Pirate Crew CAPTAIN BLACKBOOT...fearsome captain with a dark 9 past PITT...enforcer type; reluctant to put 44 on a dress to spy PATCH...helpful; a bit of a jokester 23 SWINK...has a soft side 9 GROG...loyal JIB...has sore feet 4 Sal s All-Female Pirate Crew SCURVY SAL...savvy captain; former ally of 88 Blackboot JADE...loves a good laugh, but doesn t 0 always get the joke PEARL...no-nonsense 23 RUBY...longs to dance 40 GOLDIE...observant Others on the Island CASTAWAY...hides on the island PROFESSOR...famous, passionate ornithologist 3 WIGGINS...nerdy ornithologist 8 HOLMES...ornithologist who hates birds 23 ROSIE REDSHOE...dogged reporter 40 QUEEN CORA...daffy royal; looking for adventure and a new treasure FEATHERTON...Queen Cora s assistant 4 EXTRAS...as male or female pirates as desired iii

4 SET DESIGN The set is a pirate s island. An ocean is in the background and palm trees, tropical bushes, logs, rocks, etc. embellish the scene and provide additional hiding places, as elaborate as the director desires. Sand-colored cloth wrapped around the bases of trees, rocks, etc. can be used to create the look of a sandy beach. Specific needs for the show include a large rock UP LEFT, large enough for a person to hide behind, and a palm tree DOWN RIGHT with a log or rock underneath it, sturdy enough for a person to stand on. A few fallen palm leaves are also beneath the tree, including one large enough to be a fan. At the top of the show, a pink duck is hidden somewhere onstage, as well as weapons belonging to Blackboot s crew. At the beginning of ACT TWO, a small treasure box is hidden behind a tree. iv NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

5 0 2 3 BLACKBOOT S LOST LOOT ACT ONE AT RISE: CASTAWAY peeks out from behind the rock UP LEFT, looking through a spyglass. He quickly hides behind the rock as BLACKBOOT S CREW, except for BLACKBOOT himself, ENTERS. PITT: Stow it, lads! Cap n says no rum til we find the treasure! PATCH: Treasure? We ve been over this flea-bitten island a hundred times! There ain t no bloomin treasure! (Sits down on a log and takes off his boots, dumping out some sand.) SWINK: (Spreading a Jolly Roger flag over the large rock.) Cap n says the treasure s still here. PATCH: Bah! Scurvy Sal stole it, or I m a jumpin jellyfish! GROG: If Scurvy Sal stole it, why is she still chasin us around? PATCH: That s easy, matey! She wants you! (Makes kissy noises at GROG. GROG attacks him and they wrestle.) JIB: Well, I ain t lookin no more! Me feet are killin me! (Holds up his feet. GROG and PATCH stop wrestling and grab JIB S feet. While JIB yells, they drag him to PITT, who holds a sword on him.) PITT: I didn t hear that, matey. Care to repeat it? JIB: Uh uh (Smiles big.) Lookin for treasure sounds like fun! PITT: (Puts away his sword.) That s the spirit, lad! Now, find that treasure before the cap n feeds ye to the sharks! JIB: Aye, aye, sir! (Jumps up and runs OFF RIGHT. BLACKBOOT ENTERS LEFT. His CREW jumps to attention.) BLACKBOOT: Avast, ye swabs! Have ye found the treasure? SWINK: Nay, Cap n. We re still lookin. BLACKBOOT: Arrr! If Scurvy Sal finds that treasure before we do, I ll skewer yer gizzards, ye savvy? BLACKBOOT S CREW: Arrr! JIB: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Cap n! Strangers on the island! (BLACKBOOT S CREW hides, though not behind the rock where CASTAWAY remains hidden. PROFESSOR, WIGGINS and HOLMES run ON RIGHT, each looking up with binoculars. They cross LEFT.) PROFESSOR: (Points.) There! There it is! WIGGINS: I see it, Professor! I see it! The pink-crested sea duck! It s magnificent! PROFESSOR: I knew such a noble bird couldn t be extinct! Wiggins, we ll make history for this!

6 HOLMES: (Notices the Jolly Roger through his binoculars.) Professor, what kind of bird is black with a skull and crossbones on it? Hmmm? PROFESSOR: (Still looking up at the bird.) Don t be silly, Holmes. There s no bird in the world like that. HOLMES: Are you sure? Hmmm? PROFESSOR: Of course I m sure! A skull and crossbones is known as a Jolly Roger, and it s a sign of PROFESSOR/WIGGINS/HOLMES: (Look at each other, terrified.) Pirates! (BLACKBOOT S CREW jumps out with swords and guns drawn. PROFESSOR, WIGGINS and HOLMES bump into each other as they try to run away.) BLACKBOOT: Hold, ye silly swamp rats! PROFESSOR: (Holds his hands up high.) P-p-please, sir, we mean no harm! I am Professor Butler Jones, the world s leading ornithologist. (BLACKBOOT S CREW look at one another as if confused.) PATCH: Arrr! They don t speak English. Let s feed em to the fish! PROFESSOR: No, please! We re bird scientists! These are my assistants, Wiggins and Holmes. PITT: Bird scientists, eh? Tis a load of bilge, I m thinkin! PROFESSOR: No, no! I assure you we are only here to find the pinkcrested sea duck. It s nearly extinct! PATCH: Cap n, he says we stinked! (BLACKBOOT S CREW sniff their armpits, then gag and choke.) BLACKBOOT S CREW: Arrr! BLACKBOOT: How d ya know that, bucko? You been spyin on us?! PROFESSOR: No, no! I told you. We re ornithologists! We re looking for birds! We don t care about pirates or treasure or (PIRATES jump at him with their swords.) Eeek! (Faints. HOLMES catches PROFESSOR and lays him on the ground.) PITT: Who told ye about the treasure, matey? WIGGINS: Nobody! He just meant HOLMES: Everybody knows pirates bury their treasure on deserted islands WIGGINS: And then they make a treasure map HOLMES: And put a big X where the treasure is! (During this exchange PROFESSOR wakes up, horrified at what his assistants are saying, and shushes them.) BLACKBOOT S CREW: (Look at each other solemnly, then burst out laughing.) Har, har, har, har, har! 2

7 BLACKBOOT: Let em go, mateys. PROFESSOR: (Stands.) Let us go? You mean you believe us? PITT: Aye. Who ever heard of a pirate makin a map to his treasure, eh? BLACKBOOT S CREW: Arrr! PROFESSOR: Whew! Uh thank you, sir! We ll just be on our way now. ROSIE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Professor, come back! We have to get out of here! There are pirates on this (Sees BLACKBOOT S CREW.) Oh, drat. BLACKBOOT: And who might you be, me fine beauty? ROSIE: I am Rosie Redshoe. I m a reporter for World Bird magazine. I m writing the story of Professor Jones s search for the pinkcrested sea duck. PROFESSOR: You see? That proves it! We re just looking for the sea duck, and we found it, too! ROSIE: Professor! You found it? That s wonderful! PROFESSOR: Yes! See, up there, to the left of that branch? ROSIE: (Looks.) I can t see it (BLACKBOOT draws his gun and shoots. SOUND EFFECT: GUNSHOT. EVERYBODY moves their heads as if they are watching the bird fall to the ground. [NOTE: If desired, CASTAWAY can throw pink feathers from behind his rock.]) BLACKBOOT: (Holsters his gun. Proud.) Now ye can see it! ROSIE: You killed it? (PROFESSOR, WIGGINS and HOLMES yell and strike the pose of See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. ) GROG: Aye, Cap n Blackboot is a dead aim. Just ask Flip. ROSIE: Which one of you is Flip? PATCH: None of us. He s dead. WIGGINS: Yes, well, it was nice meeting you gentlemen, but we ll just be going now. Come along, Professor. (PROFESSOR, still shaking his head in disbelief, is gently steered aside by WIGGINS and HOLMES. As they cross LEFT, PROFESSOR picks up a pink duck that has been concealed behind a prop, hands it to WIGGINS and sobs as they EXIT LEFT. ROSIE crosses LEFT with others, but then hides, separate from CASTAWAY.) PITT: What s he blubberin for, Cap n? Twere a clean shot through the head! (BLACKBOOT shakes his head and shrugs. SCURVY SAL, RUBY, PEARL, GOLDIE and JADE ENTER RIGHT with swords drawn. SAL S CREW have their hair up and are disguised as male pirates.) SAL: Blackboot! I ve found ye at last, ye scurvy sea dog! BLACKBOOT: Avast, mates! She found us! The sea hag is here! 3

8 SAL: Sea hag indeed! You know why I m here, ye barnacle-crusted bilge rat! BLACKBOOT: To call me names? BLACKBOOT S CREW: (Laughs.) Har, har, har, har, har! JADE: (Looks over the men and joins in the laughter.) Har, har, har, har! SAL: (Glares at JADE and backhands her in the stomach. JADE stops laughing and doubles over. SAL steps up to BLACKBOOT and points her sword at him.) I m here for my share of the treasure ye promised! BLACKBOOT: (Slaps his sword over hers.) I ll not share with the likes o you! SAL: (Pulls out a dagger and holds it over his sword.) I got you out of that stinkin prison! BLACKBOOT: (Pulls out a gun and points it at her.) Ye scuttled me crew and stole me ship! I ll not share with a thief! SAL: (Drops her weapons and puts her hands on her hips.) A thief, he says! He steals the queen s treasure and calls me a thief! Just you wait, Blackboot, you ll be sorry! BLACKBOOT: Aye? What ye gonna do, throw coconuts at me? BLACKBOOT S CREW: Har, har, har, har! JADE: Har, har, har, har! SAL: (Backhands JADE again, and she doubles over again.) I ve a secret weapon. When I m done, you ll be beggin to give me that treasure! BLACKBOOT: A secret weapon, eh? Watch out, lads! She s gonna show us some leg! BLACKBOOT S CREW: Har, har, har, har! (SAL glares at JADE, who does not laugh but zips her lips.) BLACKBOOT: Don t ya think you should be leavin now? SAL: Aye. But I ll be back. Ye ain t seen the last of Scurvy Sal! Away, mates! (Grabs her sword and dagger and gestures them away. She and her CREW EXIT LEFT.) PITT: What d ya think the secret weapon is, Cap n? BLACKBOOT: I dunno, matey. GROG: Maybe a big cannon! PATCH: Maybe something that ll catch us all at once! SWINK: A giant net! BLACKBOOT S CREW: Arrr! (Optional song: Captain Blackboot. [See PRODUCTION NOTES for lyrics sung to the tune of Yo, Ho, Ho, and a Bottle of Rum. ]) BLACKBOOT: Shiver me timbers! We need a spy! (ALL look at SWINK.) 4 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

9 SWINK: Nay! Not again! PITT: (Strikes a feminine pose and wiggles enticingly.) Ye make such a fine spy, me beauty! (OTHERS laugh.) SWINK: I ll not do it! BLACKBOOT: (Takes out his sword.) You ll do it, bucko, or you ll walk the plank! PITT: Har, har, har! BLACKBOOT: (Points his sword at PITT.) And so will you! PITT: (Chokes on his laugh.) Me, Cap n? BLACKBOOT: Aye. You ll both disguise yerselves. Then ye ask Sal to save you from the wicked Cap n Blackboot. Then you find out about this secret weapon! PITT: Cap n, I d rather fight to the death with nothin but me dagger! SWINK: I d rather take a cannon ball to the head again! BLACKBOOT: You ll do as I say, ye swabs, or you ll be shark bait! PITT/SWINK: (Snap to attention and salute.) Aye, aye, sir! BLACKBOOT: Now git! All of ye! (PITT, SWINK, JIB and PATCH EXIT LEFT, but BLACKBOOT grabs GROG as he passes.) You stay here. Fan me. (Begins pacing. GROG picks up a large palm leaf and fans BLACKBOOT with it.) Secret weapon What blasted secret weapon? ROSIE: (Coming out from behind the tree.) Captain Blackboot, may I speak to you, sir? BLACKBOOT: No! (Paces.) ROSIE: But, sir, this is important. BLACKBOOT: You know what Sal s secret weapon is? ROSIE: No, sir. BLACKBOOT: Then shove off! ROSIE: Captain, I m a reporter. (Takes out a notebook and pencil.) I d like to interview you about the queen s treasure. BLACKBOOT: (Speaks slowly, as if to a child.) Missy. I am a pirate. When a pirate tells ye to shove off, YE SHOVE OFF! (Swings his sword at her.) ROSIE: (Ducks.) Rumor is you stole the queen s treasure and hid it on this very island. BLACKBOOT: Stole it? Nay! I didn t steal it! The queen told me to hide it! ROSIE: Okay. The queen told you to hide it. Then you stole it. BLACKBOOT: (To GROG.) Can you believe this wench? She s as stubborn as me! (GROG shakes his head.)

10 0 2 3 ROSIE: Captain, if you didn t steal the queen s treasure, why did she throw you in prison? BLACKBOOT: Tell er, Grog. GROG: (Hands his fan to BLACKBOOT.) Cap n used to be an admiral in the Royal Navy. BLACKBOOT: (Fans GROG.) Arrr! Er Majesty s favorite, I was! GROG: The queen gave him a treasure box and told him to hide it. The cap n brought the box to this island and hid it like she said ROSIE: (Scribbling in her notebook.) Then what happened? GROG: Coconuts. BLACKBOOT: (Shakes the fan angrily.) Arrr! ROSIE: What? GROG: Someone hit the cap n on the head with a coconut and stole the treasure. ROSIE: That s terrible! You don t know who it was? GROG: If he did, they d be feedin the fishes now. (BLACKBOOT growls.) When we got back, the queen threw im in prison. Then Scurvy Sal broke im out! BLACKBOOT: (Fans wildly.) Did I ask er to? Did I? Arrr! GROG: Sal wanted half the treasure. When the cap n told er he didn t know where it was, Sal scuttled the crew and stole our ship. BLACKBOOT: But we got it back, didn t we, matey? GROG: We come back every year to search for the treasure. ROSIE: How do you know it s still here? GROG: This here s Cap n Blackboot s island. Even other pirates are scared to come here. Except Sal, that is. (BLACKBOOT whacks GROG with the fan, then shoves it at him. He takes it and begins to fan BLACKBOOT again.) ROSIE: Captain, I have something important to tell you. BLACKBOOT: Nay! I m done! Go away! ROSIE: But BLACKBOOT: (Draws his sword.) You got yer interview. I got things to do. Git. Now. ROSIE: But, sir BLACKBOOT: (Shouts.) Git! (ROSIE runs OFF LEFT) Secret weapons woman reporters Blast! Rather be sailin through a hurricane! (He and GROG EXIT RIGHT. SAL and her CREW ENTER LEFT.) PEARL: Cap n, do ye really have a secret weapon? SAL: Have I ever lied to ye? 6

11 0 2 3 SAL S CREW: Aye! PEARL: When ye told us piratin was fun! RUBY: And we d get rich! JADE: And see the world! SAL: Arrr! Ye want to go back where I found ye? (Takes PEARL S hat off. Her hair falls down, revealing that she is a woman.) Servin ale at a tavern? PEARL: No, Cap n. SAL: (Takes off RUBY S hat and reveals that she is also female.) And you! Workin in a laundry? RUBY: No, Cap n! (They are interrupted by PROFESSOR, WIGGINS and HOLMES, who ENTER LEFT and run RIGHT, looking up through binoculars. RUBY and PEARL put their hair back up and draw their swords.) WIGGINS: (Points.) There it is, Professor! PROFESSOR: Hurry! Hurry! We can t lose it! SAL: (Draws her sword.) Hold! Who are ye and what re ye doin? HOLMES: (Looks at them through the binoculars.) Oh, no! Not more pirates! PROFESSOR: (Impatiently, looking past her toward the duck.) Please, sir I mean ma am, we are bird scientists, and we re looking for the rare sea duck. We thought they were extinct, then we found one, but Captain Blackboot shot it and now there s another one and he s getting away! (SOUND EFFECT: DUCK QUACKING. PROFESSOR, WIGGINS and HOLMES run OFF RIGHT, looking up.) SAL: What was that all about? GOLDIE: (Shrugs.) Duck hunters. (SAL shakes her head.) PEARL: What s your secret weapon, Cap n? SAL: (Motions them closer and looks around to make sure nobody else can hear.) Dancin girls. SAL S CREW: Dancin girls? SAL: Stow it! Ye wanna give it away? PEARL: Cap n, how are dancin girls going to take out Blackboot s men? SAL: Them sorry codfish ain t used to seein women. Dancin girls will make em crazy! (CASTAWAY peeks out from behind the rock.) SAL S CREW: (Confused, ad-lib.) What? Crazy? (Etc.) SAL: Crazy! Addlepated! Lovesick! RUBY: But, Cap n, we re girls, and no men ever got lovesick over us! 7

12 PEARL: One got sick on me once, but that was from drinking sea water. SAL: Men don t get lovesick over girls like you. That s why we need dancin girls! (Rubs her hands together.) Then, we ll spring our trap! GOLDIE: (Notices CASTAWAY.) Cap n! (Points.) Who s that? (CASTAWAY runs and hides elsewhere.) SAL: (Draws her sword.) Where? GOLDIE: (Draws her sword and walks to the rock.) Here! Someone was here! SAL: Blackboot s spy! (ALL look closely around the rock.) JADE: Ain t nothin or nobody, Cap n! SAL: You been hittin the rum again, Goldie? GOLDIE: Nay, Cap n! I saw someone! PEARL: Maybe it was a ghost! (OTHERS look scared.) JADE: (Hides behind GOLDIE.) I don t like ghosts! They re bad luck! (ALL agree.) SAL: (Takes off her hat and whacks JADE with it, then sets it on the rock.) Are ye pirates or pufferfish? Don t be scared of a little ghost! Maybe he ll even help us. GOLDIE: How can a ghost help us, Cap n? SAL: By scarin the boots off Blackboot! (ALL nod and agree.) JADE: How ye gonna spring yer trap, Cap n? SAL: We ll have a party. We ll invite Blackboot and his men. The dancin girls ll dance with em til one of em tells us where that blasted treasure is! ALL: Arrr! (Optional song: Scurvy Sal. [See PRODUCTION NOTES for lyrics.]) PEARL: Dancin girls. That s brilliant, Cap n! SAL: That s why I m the cap n, and you re not. GOLDIE: When are the dancin girls comin, Cap n? SAL: On the next ship. Move smartly, mates, we got work to do! (She and her CREW EXIT LEFT. CASTAWAY comes out from hiding, puts on SAL S hat, then quickly hides behind the rock again.) PITT: (ENTERS RIGHT, dressed as a woman, but messily. His wig is askew, dress buttoned crookedly, etc. He is pacing and trying to pull on ladies gloves.) I sailed the seven seas, I have! I fought battles and harpooned whales! I survived storms and shipwreck! But this (Pulls off one glove.) is the worst thing (Pulls off the other glove.) I ever had to do! (Throws the gloves down and stomps on them.) 8 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

13 PATCH: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Ah, it s not so bad, matey. Ye got great legs (PITT turns to him and glares.) for a big ugly whale! Let me fix ye, lad. Like it or not, ye better look like a female. (Fixes PITT S appearance.) PITT: Why do women wear so many contraptions? PATCH: Arrr! It s to hold everything in. SWINK: (ENTERS RIGHT, dressed as a woman.) Hold, matey! Ye fergot this! (Holds up a small pistol.) PITT: Aye, me little beauty! (Takes the pistol and tries to put it in his waistband, but it doesn t fit. Tries pockets, etc.) Arrrr! Where do ye stow it? PATCH: Females don t have the right rigging! Ye gotta put it belowdecks! PITT: Arrr! (Puts the pistol down his bosom.) Uh oh. SWINK: What d ye mean, uh oh? PITT: It went all the way to the poop deck. (Reaches down his bosom to get the gun, rearranging his bosom so that it looks ridiculous. To PATCH.) I can t get it, matey. Lend a hand. PATCH: (Reaches down PITT S bosom and rummages around, finally getting the gun.) Ahoy! (Pulls out the gun and gives it to PITT, then frowns.) Awww, now look at ye! (Pushes PITT S bosom around until it looks more natural. PITT scowls and holds the gun up. PATCH retreats quickly.) There now! Ye look lovely! PITT: Arrr! (Jumps at PATCH, who runs OFF RIGHT.) SWINK: Don t be too hard on him, lad. He s the only one who knows how to get ye out of that rig. PITT: (Holds the pistol up again.) Arrr! Where do I stow this, eh? SWINK: I ll show ye. (SWINK pulls up his dress to show his pistol resting in his garter, then wiggles his leg enticingly.) PITT: We better get extra gold for this! (Puts the pistol in his garter. PEARL and RUBY ENTER LEFT, disguised as male pirates once again. Through the following exchange, PEARL and RUBY speak in deep, manly voices while SWINK and PITT speak in feminine falsetto voices.) PEARL: Shiver me timbers! Look what the tide brought in! RUBY: Ahoy, me buxom beauties! SWINK: Well, hello, handsome! PEARL: How d ye get here? We didn t spy a ship. SWINK: Our ship was uh shipwrecked! Yes, we were shipwrecked! PITT: It was terrible! RUBY: Ye don t look like ye been shipwrecked. 9

14 0 2 3 SWINK: Oh, well uh a lady always looks her best, even after a shipwreck! We re hiding from Captain Blackboot and his pirates! PITT: His tough, manly pirates! PEARL: Huh! Blackboot s men ain t tough. They re a bunch of jellyfish! (RUBY laughs. PITT lunges at PEARL, but SWINK holds him back.) SWINK: Who are you, handsome gentlemen? RUBY: (Draws her sword.) We sail with Scurvy Sal. We re real pirates, see?! PEARL: Sal sent us to find the dancin girls. (Draws her sword.) But you don t look like dancin girls. SWINK: Dancin girls? Why, of course we are! We dance every day, don t we, dearie? PITT: Every day! That s all we do dance, dance, dance! RUBY: Prove it. PITT/SWINK: What?! (RUBY and PEARL hold their swords to PITT S and SWINK S necks.) PEARL: Dance for us. Now. (TANGO MUSIC plays, and PITT and SWINK grab each other and dance a tango.) RUBY: Hold! (MUSIC OUT.) Not that kinda dancin! Dancin girl dancin! PITT: Oh! Oh! I fear I shall swoon with fear! (Swoons. SWINK catches him.) SWINK: Now see what you done? You ll just have to take us to Scurvy Sal. PEARL: I ll take her. You stay here. Watch er, Rube. RUBY: Aye. (PEARL lifts PITT onto her shoulders in a fireman s carry and EXITS LEFT. [NOTE: If this is not possible, she can drag him off.]) SWINK: So you re one of Sal s men? RUBY: Nah. SWINK: What? RUBY: (Looks around.) I m not a man. SWINK: You re not? RUBY: (Takes off her hat and lets her hair down.) I m a girl. SWINK: (Normal voice.) You sure are! RUBY: (Jumps up and draws knife.) But that don t mean I m soft, see? SWINK: (Falsetto again.) Of course not! RUBY: I sail ships! I shoot cannons! I plunder with the best of em! SWINK: Sure you can! 0

15 RUBY: There s just one thing I can t do. (Looks around furtively.) Dance. SWINK: Dance?! RUBY: Shhh! Don t let Sal hear ye. She d cut out my gizzard! Dancin s for girly girls, see? SWINK: Why do you want to dance? RUBY: (Shrugs.) I dunno. I always wanted to learn romantic dancin. Course then I d have to dance with men. SWINK: What s wrong with men? RUBY: Ah, they re like seaweed. Ye get tangled up with em and pretty soon ye start to stink. SWINK: Maybe you haven t met the right one yet. RUBY: Maybe Anyway, will ye teach me to dance, missy? SWINK: All right. (Moves toward her.) Well if you re dancin with a man, you have to stand close put one hand here and one hand here. (Puts her hands on his shoulder and in his hand.) RUBY: My, you sure are big boned for a dancin girl. SWINK: Aye, that I am. (Looks her in the eyes, then back to dancing.) Now you count. One, two, three one, two, three RUBY: Why do ye only count to three? SWINK: Pirates can t count any higher. (They waltz, but quickly get tangled up.) RUBY: Hold! You call yourself a dancin girl? You ain t no better than me! (She looks at him suspiciously and pulls off his wig.) Aha! SWINK: (Steals her sword and holds it on her. Returns to his normal voice.) I ain t no dancin girl! I m a pirate! RUBY: Arrr! (Ducks the sword and attacks him. They struggle wildly for a moment, then end up in an embrace, staring into each other s eyes.) SWINK: May I have this dance? RUBY: Aye! (ROMANTIC WALTZ MUSIC plays and they dance, in perfect step.) SAL: (Loudly, from OFF LEFT.) Arrr! Avast, ye swabs! (RUBY and SWINK jump apart. MUSIC OUT. RUBY fixes her hair, SWINK replaces his wig and hands her the sword. SAL and her CREW ENTER LEFT with PITT. As before, SAL and her CREW speak in deep manly voices and PITT and SWINK in falsetto.) Where are the rest?! (Draws her sword and holds it on SWINK.) There should be ten dancin girls, not two! Where are the rest? SWINK: They drowned? PITT: See? I told you!

16 SAL: Blast! (Looks around.) All right then, we ll make our own. You, you, you and you. (Points to RUBY, PEARL, JADE and GOLDIE.) Learn to dance. And you two (Indicates PITT and SWINK.) teach em. SWINK: But SAL: Arrr! (Holds her sword to his neck.) I m in a bad mood, matey, but it always cheers me up to cut somethin. Whaddaya say? SWINK: We ll be happy to teach your men to be dancin girls Cap n. SAL: Get to it, then! SWINK: (Looks at PITT, who shrugs. SAL stands to the side and watches.) Very well. Uh the first thing you do is uh put your right foot in. (Extends his right foot. OTHERS follow. Making it up as he goes along.) Then you uh take your right foot out. (EVERYBODY does.) You put your left foot in (EVERYBODY does.) and you uh uh PITT: Shake it all about! (EVERYBODY does.) SWINK: Then swing your partner! (Links arms with PITT and dances in a circle. OTHERS try to do it but get tangled up, run into each other and end up fighting.) PITT: (In normal voice.) Stow it! (ALL stop fighting. Falsetto again.) It s uh not ladylike to fight, ye know! GOLDIE: When do we do the kicks? SWINK: The what? GOLDIE: The dancin girl kicks! SWINK: Oh yes! Er right now! Everybody line up! (With PITT and SWINK in the middle, SAL S CREW lines up with arms on each other s shoulders.) Ready? Kick. (CAN CAN MUSIC plays, and they dance a can can with high kicks, the more ridiculous the better. SAL pulls out her pistol and fires into the air. SOUND EFFECT: GUNSHOT. MUSIC STOPS abruptly.) SAL: Hold, ye sorry bunch of jellyfish! (Walks around furiously.) That was the worst thing I ever seen! How m I gonna set the trap for Blackboot if ya can t even dance? (Gestures at PITT and SWINK.) And you two! I don t think you re dancin girls at all! PITT: What? Of course we are! SAL: Nay! (Moves to stand between PITT and SWINK.) I think you re Blackboot s spies! (Grabs both wigs and pulls them off.) SAL S CREW: (Draw their swords.) Arrr! SAL: Tie em up. (PITT and SWINK put up a fight but SAL S CREW grabs some rope and ties them up back-to-back.) Blast. Now what do we do with em? 2 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

17 0 2 3 GOLDIE: Hang em from the rigging! JADE: Chain em to the anchor! PEARL: I say we keelhaul em! SAL/SAL S CREW: Arrr! (PITT and SWINK shake their heads wildly.) SWINK: Nay! Cap n, listen! Blackboot sent us, true, but it s not what ye think! SAL: Hmmm I think he wants to know what me secret weapon is! SAL S CREW: Arrr! SWINK: Nay that s not it! It s er uh PITT: Cap n Blackboot s in love with ye! SAL: (Shouts.) What?! PITT: Cap n Blackboot s been in love with ye ever since you broke him outta that prison! SAL: (Shouts.) That s the most disgusting thing I ever heard! JADE: It s a trick, Cap n! Don t believe it! PEARL: Keelhaul! SAL S CREW: Keelhaul! Keelhaul! Keelhaul! SAL: (Shouts.) Stow it! All right, mates, here s what we ll do. I ll take ye back to Blackboot meself, and we ll find out what s what. SAL S CREW: (Groans.) Ahhh. SAL: If what ye say is true blue, we ll have ourselves a weddin! (PITT and SWINK look at each other in horror.) And if it s not, we ll hang ye from the riggin and then we ll chain ye to the anchor and then we ll keelhaul ye! SAL S CREW: (Cheers.) Arrr! SAL: Avast! Take these rats back to the bilge! (GOLDIE, JADE, PITT and SWINK EXIT LEFT. PEARL, RUBY and SAL slowly cross RIGHT as they talk.) RUBY: Ye think it s true, Cap n, about Blackboot being in love with you? SAL: (Draws her sword.) You ever say that again, and I ll feed ye to the sharks! RUBY: Aye, aye Cap n! PEARL: What re ye gonna do? SAL: I m goin ahead with me plan. I m gonna throw a party. You girls sweet talk them pirates til one of em tells ye where the treasure is. PEARL: What about those two? SAL: Keep em tied up. Blackboot ll have to come to the party now. (PEARL, RUBY and SAL EXIT RIGHT. PROFESSOR, WIGGINS and HOLMES run ON LEFT and cross CENTER, exhausted.) 3

18 0 2 3 HOLMES: (Pants.) It s no use, Professor. We can t catch it! PROFESSOR: We have to! The world must know the noble bird is not extinct! WIGGINS: Professor, we re scientists. Surely we can outwit a silly bird! PROFESSOR: You have an idea? WIGGINS: Trap him! Put out some food, and when he comes to get it, throw a net over him! HOLMES: A brilliant suggestion! WIGGINS: Thank you. PROFESSOR: Brilliant indeed! We re not world class scientists for nothing! (Laughs. SOUND EFFECT: DUCK QUACKING. PROFESSOR, WIGGINS and HOLMES quickly EXIT LEFT.) BLACKBOOT: (ENTERS RIGHT, shouting.) Patch! Grog! Jib! (PATCH, GROG and JIB ENTER LEFT.) Cap n? BLACKBOOT: Where are Pitt and Swink? PATCH: They ain t back yet. BLACKBOOT: Arrr! Somethin must ve gone wrong! GROG: Prepare for battle, Cap n? BLACKBOOT: Aye! Present weapons! BLACKBOOT S CREW: Arrr! (They scramble around. Some have weapons hidden around the stage. Soon everyone has a weapon in each hand and stands in a line. PATCH holds a weapon in one hand and a string in another that trails OFFSTAGE.) BLACKBOOT: (Walks along the string, inspecting it, and stops at PATCH.) Arrr! What have we here, matey? (Takes PATCH S string from him.) A string? He s gonna fight Scurvy Sal with a string, mates! Har, har, har, har! (Slaps PATCH with the end of the string.) OTHERS: Har, har, har, har! (PATCH indignantly takes the string and gives it a tug, pulling a cannon on from OFFSTAGE.) PATCH: Will this do, Cap n? BLACKBOOT: That s more like it! Well done, laddie! (SAL and her CREW ENTER LEFT with PITT and SWINK, who are still tied up. PITT and SWINK are hidden from BLACKBOOT S view. BLACKBOOT S men raise their weapons.) SAL: Ahoy! We come in peace! BLACKBOOT: (To his CREW.) Stand down! (They lower their weapons. To SAL.) What do you want? SAL: I found somethin of yours. (Tosses him the wigs she took from PITT and SWINK. SAL S CREW pushes PITT and SWINK to step forward. 4

19 Neither wants to face BLACKBOOT, but as they are tied up back-toback, they keep turning each other in a circle to hide their faces.) BLACKBOOT: (Frowns.) Arrr. SAL: They told me a likely tale, Cap n. (Pokes him in the chest.) They said you are in love with me! Whaddaya say? BLACKBOOT: Arrr! (Furious, draws his sword and runs at PITT and SWINK. PATCH, GROG and JIB catch him and hold him back. BLACKBOOT struggles to get loose until his next line.) PITT: (Facing BLACKBOOT.) We had to tell your secret, Cap n! (Turns so SWINK is facing BLACKBOOT.) SWINK: So you could marry her like ye always wanted (Turns so PITT is facing BLACKBOOT.) PITT: and you could look for the treasure together! BLACKBOOT: Marry her?! Arrr! (Tries again to grab PITT and SWINK, but PIRATES hold him back.) I ll flay yer salty hides! I ll skewer yer gizzards! Arrr! SAL: Hmph! I thought as much. Blackboot, I oughta cut your heart out for spyin on me. BLACKBOOT: If any hearts are comin out, it s theirs! (Tries again to get to PITT and SWINK.) SAL: But I ain t got time. I m havin a party. BLACKBOOT: (Double take.) Party? SAL: We got guests comin so we ain t got time to do battle. BLACKBOOT: Guests? SAL: Guests. But since I can t have ye runnin around lookin for the treasure while we re at our party, I ll strike ye a bargain. BLACKBOOT: Arrr. SAL: You come to our party, and we ll let ye have your spies back. If you don t come, we ll do away with em. BLACKBOOT: Do away with em?! Why don t ye just give em back? I ll fix em, I will! SAL: Ha! And have them spyin on me again? If you don t come to the party, we ll use em for target practice. BLACKBOOT: (Slaps his knee.) A party it is! Where and when? SAL: Here, tomorrow. See ye then. (EXITS LEFT with her CREW, PITT and SWINK.) PATCH: Whaddaya think, Cap n? BLACKBOOT: (Slowly.) I ve been shot. I ve been cut with a dagger. I ve been tied and left fer dead. But sayin I was in love with Scurvy Sal (Explodes.) that s the worst thing anybody ever did to me!

20 0 2 3 JIB: Are we really goin to a party with Sal, Cap n? BLACKBOOT: Aye. I gotta get Pitt and Swink back so I can kill em! (PROFESSOR, WIGGINS and HOLMES ENTER LEFT. They are all under a large net.) GROG: What happened to you? PROFESSOR: Don t ask. WIGGINS: The sea duck is a very intelligent bird! JIB: Ha! Duck got the best of ye, eh? HOLMES: I didn t know ducks could laugh. (CREW laughs.) PATCH: Tis a fearsome enemy, the sea duck! GROG: Jib! What s the most dangerous animal in the sea? Shark? JIB: Nay! GROG: Barracuda? JIB: Nay! GROG: What is it? JIB: A sea duck! (CREW laughs.) PROFESSOR: Very funny. I suppose you could catch one? PATCH: The cap n already did! Plugged it in one shot! (PIRATES laugh.) WIGGINS: Let s go, Professor. (PROFESSOR, WIGGINS and HOLMES EXIT RIGHT.) BLACKBOOT: (Takes off his coat and hangs it on a tree.) All right, gather round, mateys. We re goin to this party, but we ain t gonna be took by surprise. Savvy? (During the following, CASTAWAY steals BLACKBOOT S coat from the tree.) BLACKBOOT S CREW: Aye! BLACKBOOT: We re goin to a battle! BLACKBOOT S CREW: Battle! JIB: Battle! BLACKBOOT: Keep your eyes peeled for trouble! BLACKBOOT S CREW: Trouble! JIB: Trouble! BLACKBOOT: Take no prisoners! BLACKBOOT S CREW: Arrr! (They run OFF RIGHT. BLACKBOOT stops to get his coat. He looks confused, as it is no longer where he put it, then shrugs and EXITS RIGHT. CASTAWAY, wearing coat and SAL S hat, EXITS LEFT as LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) End of ACT ONE 6 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

21 0 2 3 ACT TWO LIGHTS UP: ROSIE, PROFESSOR, WIGGINS and HOLMES ENTER RIGHT, very disheveled. ROSIE: (Pulls his arm.) Professor, you can t just give up! This is your life s work! PROFESSOR: Correct! My entire life s work, undone by a stupid duck! I ll be the laughingstock of the entire world! No, my dear, we re going home. ROSIE: Wiggins, you know how much this means to the science world! Talk him out of it! WIGGINS: I have aches and pains in places I never knew existed. Give me an easy chair! ROSIE: Holmes, can t you make them see reason? HOLMES: I never wanted to come here in the first place. I hate birds. SAL: (ENTERS LEFT.) Ahoy, landlubbers! What re ye doin here? PROFESSOR: Leaving! We re through chasing ducks! SAL: Ah, don t run off! Stay for the party. WIGGINS: What party? SAL: Just a friendly pirate party nothin suspicious! PROFESSOR: Friendly and pirate are not words that go together. SAL: Ah, c mon, matey! Don t be a jellyfish! PROFESSOR: Jellyfish? Is it related to the jellybird? SAL: Aye, where do ye think jellybird eggs come from? PROFESSOR: Very well, we accept. ROSIE: But, Professor, what about the sea duck? PROFESSOR: I never want to hear about that stupid sea duck again! (SOUND EFFECT: DUCK QUACKING. PROFESSOR, WIGGINS and HOLMES EXIT LEFT. BLACKBOOT, PATCH, JIB and GROG ENTER RIGHT. They ALL hold weapons.) SAL: Ahoy, Cap n! Now why would ye come to a party like it s a battle? BLACKBOOT: If Scurvy Sal s there, it s a battle. SAL: Arrr. Ye don t trust me. But just to show ye there s no hard feelin s, here s yer boys. (PITT and SWINK ENTER LEFT, still tied back-to-back.) Now then, there s someone I want you to meet. Girls? (SAL S CREW ENTERS LEFT. They are now dressed as dancing girls and look lovely. One by one, BLACKBOOT S CREW drops their weapons in stunned disbelief. SAL S CREW sashays up to BLACKBOOT S CREW and teases them, ruffling their hair, stroking their cheeks, etc. BLACKBOOT S CREW collapses like dominoes.) Ha! It worked! (DANCE MUSIC plays and RUBY, PEARL, GOLDIE 7

22 and JADE do a choreographed dance. During the dance, SAL slips around and picks up dropped weapons, while BLACKBOOT S CREW crawls toward the girls. BLACKBOOT stops them by stepping in front of them. When the MUSIC ENDS, PEARL, GOLDIE and JADE mingle with BLACKBOOT S CREW. RUBY and SWINK, who is still tied to PITT, cross CENTER.) SWINK: Where d ye learn to dance like that? RUBY: The real dancin girls showed up. They ain t as much fun as you. SWINK: Arrr. RUBY: Is your cap n mad? SWINK: Nah. If he was mad, we d be dead. He was disgruntled. RUBY: Disgruntled? Blimey, that s a solid gold word! SWINK: Aye, I like gold, but I like rubies better. RUBY: (Smiles.) Arrr. SWINK: (Leans in for a kiss but is pulled away by PITT.) Let s go watch the tide come in. RUBY: Arrr. (RUBY and SWINK cross LEFT, pulling PITT along with them.) PITT: Ahoy! Matey! (RUBY finally notices PITT and unties them. RUBY and SWINK EXIT LEFT. PITT crosses to BLACKBOOT.) SAL: Blast! I think I just lost me first mate! What do ye do with a lovesick pirate? BLACKBOOT: (Glares after SWINK.) What do ye do with a lovesick pirate? (OPTIONAL MUSIC CUE: What Do You Do with a Lovesick Pirate? [For lyrics, see PRODUCTION NOTES.] RUBY and SWINK run ON LEFT.) RUBY: Cap n! The ship! She s a-fire! SAL: Afire? (Points at BLACKBOOT.) You did this! SWINK: Cap n, our ship s missin! BLACKBOOT: Whaddaya mean missin? SWINK: It s gone! Anchor an all! BLACKBOOT: (To SAL.) Ye went too far this time, ye scurvy wench! (BLACKBOOT and SAL draw swords and begin to fight.) ALL PIRATES: Arrr! (ALL begin to fight, SAL S CREW against BLACKBOOT S CREW. RUBY and SWINK pretend to fight, off to the side. SOUND EFFECT: GUNSHOT. EVERYONE stops immediately. CASTAWAY ENTERS LEFT with a large gun. He is wearing BLACKBOOT S coat and SAL S hat.) SAL: The ghost! It s the ghost of Cap n Lafoot! CASTAWAY: Nay! Not a ghost, tis me, Lafoot, in the flesh! 8

23 BLACKBOOT: You re a lyin dog! Lafoot died years ago! CASTAWAY: Ye just think e died, bilge rat! I am Cap n Lafoot! I still live! And ye better believe I still know how to use this! (Holds up the gun.) PATCH: Ahoy! That s my gun! (CASTAWAY points the gun at PATCH. PATCH holds up his hands.) You can have it! SAL: Cap n, why d ye torch me ship? BLACKBOOT: And steal mine? CASTAWAY: (To SAL.) I torched yours because it was a sorry piece of flotsam! (To BLACKBOOT.) And I didn t steal yours, I hid it. (BLACKBOOT and SAL look at each other then back at CASTAWAY.) BLACKBOOT/SAL: Why? CASTAWAY: The two of you were the best sailors I ever sailed with. (To SAL.) You re smart. (To BLACKBOOT.) You re fearless. You both know the sea. But you never quit fightin! SAL: Aye, but he started it! BLACKBOOT: Nay! She started it! CASTAWAY: Stow it! I ve been on this island many years, and I figured out there s only one true treasure in the world... family. SAL: Ah, Pa BLACKBOOT: Pa, ye can t do this PITT: Arrr! I must have seaweed in me ear! Did ye both just call im Pa? CASTAWAY: Aye. These are me son and daughter. Me family. PEARL: Cap n! Blackboot s your brother?! SAL: (Disgusted.) Aye. ALL PIRATES: Shiver me timbers! CASTAWAY: You two are gonna work together and like it, or else! SAL: Or else what? GROG: (Points OFF.) Ship ahoy! (CASTAWAY takes out his spyglass and looks OFF.) CASTAWAY: She s flyin a royal flag! Tis the queen! BLACKBOOT: She s come for me! She wants er treasure! Prepare for battle! SAL: That treasure s half mine! Prepare for battle! ALL PIRATES: Arrr! (PIRATES begin to rush around crazily, yelling. ROSIE tries to get their attention but nobody listens. ROSIE takes the gun from CASTAWAY. SOUND EFFECT: GUNSHOT.) ROSIE: (Holds up the gun.) Is this the only thing you people respect? (ALL nod and agree.) 9

24 PATCH: Yeah, pretty much. CASTAWAY: (Puts his arm around her and takes the gun.) Missy, when pirates are preparin for battle, it s best not to point a gun at em! ROSIE: But you don t have to fight the queen! She knows Captain Blackboot didn t steal her treasure! BLACKBOOT: Shiver me timbers! What re ye sayin? ROSIE: I know who really stole it. It was your former first mate, Red Tom. BLACKBOOT: Red Tom! That barnacle-crusted, scurvy-rotten, lyin little ROSIE: Red Tom was my father. BLACKBOOT: (Takes off his hat.) May e rest in peace. (ALL PIRATES take off their hats.) ROSIE: His real name was Thomas Redshoe. Right before he died he told me he stole the queen s treasure and hit you with a coconut. He was sorry for what he d done. BLACKBOOT: Sorry?! E better be sorry! The queen s been chasin me ever since! If he was alive, I d kill im! SAL: Does the queen know about this, missy? ROSIE: Yes. After my father died, I told her and she gave me this. (Takes a scroll out of her pocket.) She told me if I found you, I was to give it to you. (Gives the scroll to BLACKBOOT.) BLACKBOOT: (Checks the scroll.) Tis a pardon! I m clear! (Holds the paper high. Dances in a circle, stopping suddenly.) Hold! What about that interview of yers? Ye knew all along I was innocent! ROSIE: I wanted to hear your side of the story. I tried to tell you then, but you yelled at me. BLACKBOOT: I yelled at er. (Points to SAL, who shrugs, then yells.) I never yell! PITT: Cap n, what about the queen? BLACKBOOT: Don t take nothin for granted. Prepare for battle! SAL: Prepare for battle! (PIRATES take positions with weapons raised. SOUND EFFECT: TRUMPET FANFARE.) FEATHERTON: (ENTERS LEFT.) Announcing Her Majesty, Queen Cora! (Looks around and runs OFF LEFT. RE-ENTERS holding a large white flag. Clears his throat, repeats while waving the white flag.) Announcing Her Majesty, Queen Cora! ALL PIRATES: Arrr! QUEEN: (ENTERS LEFT, smiles and waves at PIRATES.) Hello, people! It s so nice of you to meet me! (Crosses to BLACKBOOT.) Captain Blackboot, there you are! Did you get the pardon? NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

25 BLACKBOOT: (Holds up the scroll.) Aye. QUEEN: I m glad it wasn t you. (Aside to ROSIE.) I always liked him! ROSIE: Your Majesty, why are you here? QUEEN: Oh, I ve just been bored at the castle, so I came here for a treasure hunt! BLACKBOOT: The treasure s lost. We can t find it. QUEEN: Oh, I don t care about that treasure. I want to find a new treasure! SAL: What new treasure? QUEEN: Something new and different, not boring like gold or silver or jewels, but something unusual! And since pirates are the best treasure hunters, I decided to come here. SAL: Let me get this straight. You want us to help you find a new treasure, but you don t know what it is? QUEEN: (Delighted.) Yes! SAL: (To BLACKBOOT.) She s crazy! BLACKBOOT: Of course she s crazy! QUEEN: Of course I m crazy, but I m not stupid! (Beckons FEATHERTON, who walks over with a small treasure chest and opens it. It is full of gold and jewels.) I will give this to anyone who finds me an exciting new thing. SAL: (Puts her arm around QUEEN and leans in as if telling a secret.) Your Majesty. We re pirates. We could take this treasure box and throw you to the sharks. QUEEN: I know! That s why I brought all the big guns. BLACKBOOT/SAL: Guns? QUEEN: (Points OFF LEFT.) On my ships. See? Fourteen ships, each with big guns. If I don t come back in two hours, they will shoot this island to bits! (BLACKBOOT and SAL look at each other.) SAL: So tell us about this treasure hunt! QUEEN: I just did! Everybody bring me something interesting. The most interesting thing wins this box of treasure. ROSIE: What if you don t like what we find? QUEEN: (Takes one piece of gold from the chest.) Anyone who brings me something will get one of these. A participation award! PIRATES: (Nod.) Arrr. QUEEN: All right, pirates, are you ready to find treasure? PIRATES: Arrr! QUEEN: On your marks! (EVERYONE except CORA and FEATHERTON line up and get set like runners.) Get set go! (EVERYONE except 2

26 QUEEN and FEATHERTON jumps OFF STAGE and runs into AUDIENCE, yelling. CURTAIN CLOSES. UPBEAT MUSIC plays, and they search in the aisles, under AUDIENCE chairs, under people s hats, etc. After a few minutes of this, ALL EXIT. RUBY ENTERS LEFT, in front of the curtain, with a large flower. SWINK ENTERS LEFT, runs up behind her and picks her up.) RUBY: Arrr! (SWINK puts her down. RUBY spins to face him and attacks him with the flower, then stops.) Blimey, it s you! Where ve you been? SWINK: Lookin for the treasure. And I found it! RUBY: You found it? SWINK: Aye. (Takes her hands.) I m lookin at it. Lass, I wanna settle down and quit bein a pirate. RUBY: Quit bein a pirate?! SWINK: (Turns away.) Aye! I m tired of all the pillagin and plunderin and wearin dresses! RUBY: Dresses ain t so bad sometimes. SWINK: Not on you they ain t! RUBY: (Swishes her dress happily.) Arrr. SWINK: I ll need a first mate. RUBY: (Salutes.) I m your man, Cap n. SWINK: (Picks RUBY up and twirls her around.) Arrr! (Sets her down.) Where would we live? RUBY: Here. On this island. Then I can wear dresses only when I want to. (Takes his hand and crosses RIGHT.) Startin with a weddin dress. SWINK: Shiver me timbers! (RUBY and SWINK EXIT RIGHT. PROFESSOR, WIGGINS and HOLMES ENTER RIGHT, before the curtain. PROFESSOR is holding a duck.) PROFESSOR: What a discovery! I can t wait to get home and tell the world! WIGGINS: A whole flock of sea ducks! Who would ve thought? HOLMES: We ll be rich! We ll be famous! WIGGINS: I thought you hated birds! HOLMES: I do, but this bird is going to make us rich and famous! (Sings.) Rich and famous, rich and famous, la, la, la, la, la! PROFESSOR: We didn t do this to be rich and famous, Holmes, we did it for science! WIGGINS: Besides, we might be famous, but we ll never get rich. HOLMES: What?! 22

27 PROFESSOR: Of course not. Have you ever known a rich scientist? HOLMES: No Oh, no! (Crosses his arms and sulks.) PROFESSOR: Oh, quit pouting, Holmes. We have work to do! WIGGINS: Yes! We need to inform the queen of our discovery! HOLMES: You inform the queen. I m going to pout. (PROFESSOR and WIGGINS EXIT RIGHT. HOLMES continues to pout. ROSIE runs IN LEFT, holding a notebook.) ROSIE: Holmes! What are you doing? Aren t you looking for treasure? HOLMES: No. What difference would treasure make? My life stinks. ROSIE: Oh, Holmes, quit being a twerp. If you don t like your life, do something else! (Holds up the notebook.) I m writing about Captain Blackboot and Scurvy Sal. They re amazing! (ROSIE RUNS OFF RIGHT.) HOLMES: (Watches her go, then looks at AUDIENCE.) You know, she s right! (EXITS LEFT. CURTAIN OPENS. QUEEN is standing on a rock, holding the Jolly Roger flag like a cape. FEATHERTON is watching.) QUEEN: Don t you think this would make a nice cape, Featherton? FEATHERTON: Your Majesty, only you would think of wearing that as a cape. QUEEN: Thank you, Featherton! Oh look! Our treasure hunters are back. (Gives the flag to FEATHERTON. ROSIE ENTERS RIGHT, sits on a rock and prepares to write in her notebook. JIB and PITT ENTER RIGHT. PEARL, GOLDIE and JADE ENTER LEFT. ALL are running, holding up their various treasures and yelling, Look what I found! etc. They also shove and insult each other. Get along, ye rat! etc. This goes on for a moment while QUEEN quiets them.) Quiet! Quiet please, everyone! Excuse me (To FEATHERTON.) Featherton? FEATHERTON: (Shouts.) Stow it! (EVERYONE is silent.) QUEEN: Why, Featherton, I didn t know you spoke pirate. FEATHERTON: Arrr. QUEEN: Oh! You ve found some wonderful treasures! Now line up here and show me what you found, and Featherton will give you each a piece of gold. (EVERYONE begins pushing and shoving again, getting in line.) QUEEN: Now who s first? PITT: (Gives QUEEN a bottle with a note in it.) A note in a bottle! That ll win me the treasure fer sure! (FEATHERTON gives him a gold coin, and he moves aside.) QUEEN: Wonderful! Next? JADE: (Holds up a large seashell.) The mother of all shells! 23

28 QUEEN: (Takes it.) Lovely! Next? (JADE gets a coin and moves aside. PEARL holds up a modern baseball cap.) Er what is it? PEARL: It s to hold yer treasure! PITT: That ain t to hold treasure! PEARL: It ain t? PITT: (Grabs it and pantomimes bailing water from a boat.) It s to bail out a boat! PEARL: (Grabs it back from him.) It s to hold treasure, ye slimy bottom feeder! QUEEN: (Takes the hat.) Maybe I ll just er wear it! (Puts on the hat. FEATHERTON holds up a hand mirror, and QUEEN looks into it.) Hmmm. No, I don t think so. If I wore that, people would think I was crazy! (Tosses the hat aside.) GOLDIE: Feast your eyes on this, Your Majesty! (Holds up a colorful feather.) QUEEN: (Takes it.) Pretty! JIB: Huh! She got a feather I got the whole bird! (Holds up a colorful bird. PATCH and GROG ENTER RIGHT, carrying a large barrel.) GROG: Ahoy! We found the best treasure of em all! PITT: What is it? PATCH: Pirate rum! OTHER PIRATES: (Run to the barrel.) Arrr! (PATCH and GROG run away from them. Finally, OTHER PIRATES catch them and take the barrel away.) PITT: (Sticks his finger in the barrel and tastes it, then coughs and spits.) Arrr! That ain t pirate rum! PATCH: It ain t? PITT: It s tar! (PIRATES show disgust and go back to their places. PATCH and GROG sit down and lean against the barrel.) QUEEN: These things are all just lovely, but they re not well unusual! (CASTAWAY, SAL and BLACKBOOT ENTER LEFT.) Captain Blackboot! Who are your friends? You must introduce me! BLACKBOOT: Your Majesty, this is me father, Cap n Lafoot, and me sister, Scurvy Sal. QUEEN: Your family?! How wonderful! I didn t know pirates had families! Oh, this is lovely. Are there any little baby pirates? CASTAWAY/BLACKBOOT/SAL: NO! QUEEN: Too bad, I d like to see a baby pirate. Still, a pirate family is a very unusual thing. Captain Blackboot, you win the treasure! (Directs FEATHERTON, who gives the treasure box to BLACKBOOT.) 24 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

29 0 2 3 BLACKBOOT: (Disbelieving.) Yer givin me a treasure? I ve spent the last five years lookin for your treasure and now you give me one? You are crazy! QUEEN: I know! But you won t give it back, will you? BLACKBOOT: (Lifts the treasure box as if to throw it.) Arrr! SAL: (Grabs the treasure box.) Treasure! At last! (BLACKBOOT doesn t let go, so they pull and tug the box.) CASTAWAY: (Grabs the treasure from them.) Arrr! Stand down, both of ye! Your Majesty, we thank ye for the treasure, and we have a question for ye. QUEEN: Yes? CASTAWAY: You know where we can buy a good ship? QUEEN: A ship? CASTAWAY: Aye. I burned Sal s ship to try to get them to work together, but after being with them for a whole hour, I realized that was crazy! If we put these two on the same ship, they ll kill each other. So, do you know where I can buy a ship? (Holds out the treasure.) I can pay! QUEEN: (Claps.) Oh, how fun! I m a ship seller! Captain, I have 4 ships right out there! Take your pick! CASTAWAY: (Gives her the treasure.) A pleasure doing business with ye. QUEEN: Featherton, our time is up. We have to go. But we ll be back playing with pirates is fun! (To CASTAWAY.) Captain, aren t you going to pick out your ship? CASTAWAY: (Offers his arm to QUEEN.) I d be honored, Your Majesty. (CASTAWAY, QUEEN and FEATHERTON EXIT, FEATHERTON shaking his head.) BLACKBOOT: Ahoy, lads! Weigh anchor and hoist the mizzen mast! We sail in an hour! JIB: We re missin Swink, Cap n! BLACKBOOT: Find im and get aboard! JIB: Aye, Cap n! (RUBY and SWINK ENTER LEFT.) Found im, sir! SWINK: Ahoy, Cap n! I m here, but I ain t leavin. BLACKBOOT: Whaddaya mean ye ain t leavin? SWINK: I m jumpin ship. I found me treasure. It s a Ruby! RUBY: (Happily.) Arrr! BLACKBOOT: A mutiny, eh? (Draws his sword.) SAL: Belay that! Nobody s sailin til I get a new first mate! 2

30 BLACKBOOT: On guard, ye scurvy wench! (BLACKBOOT and SAL have a sword fight while PIRATES cheer. HOLMES runs IN LEFT, dressed as a pirate and holding a sword.) HOLMES: Arrr! Shiver me timbers! Avast and ahoy! (Joins the sword fight, but fights so crazily that BLACKBOOT and SAL stop and step back. HOLMES continues to fight alone until PROFESSOR and WIGGINS run IN RIGHT.) PROFESSOR: Holmes, quit being a numbskull! WIGGINS: You don t know how to be a pirate! HOLMES: (To WIGGINS.) Prepare to walk the plank, matey! (To SAL.) Did someone need a new pirate? SAL: Arrr. Can ye sail a ship? HOLMES: No! SAL: Can ye navigate by the stars? HOLMES: No! SAL: (Rubs her chin.) Hmmm can ye cook? HOLMES: Yes! (Grabs the duck from PROFESSOR.) My specialty is fried sea duck! (PROFESSOR and WIGGINS look horrified, grab their duck and run OFF LEFT.) SAL: Ha! You ll do. Get aboard. HOLMES: Aye, aye Cap n! Avast and ahoy! Move it, chum bucket! (Runs OFF LEFT.) SAL: Weigh anchor, mates! We re away from this cursed island! (SAL S CREW except RUBY EXITS LEFT.) Cap n, til we meet again! BLACKBOOT: It ll be too soon, Scurvy Sal! (They awkwardly start to hug, but can t stand to do it. Instead, they spit into their hands and shake.) SAL: Arrr! (EXITS LEFT.) PITT: Weigh anchor, Cap n? BLACKBOOT: Weigh anchor! ROSIE: Wait, Captain! I have something to show you! BLACKBOOT: (Exasperated.) Ever time I turn around, yer gettin in me way. What is it now? ROSIE: (Walks to the tree and pulls out a small hidden treasure box.) I thought you might like to get the treasure back. You know, the first treasure. BLACKBOOT: We searched ever square inch o this island! How d ye know where it was? ROSIE: My father told me. BLACKBOOT: Why didn t ye say so? 26

31 ROSIE: (Shrugs.) You didn t ask. BLACKBOOT: Ha! You d make a good pirate, ye would. ROSIE: Arrr! ALL: Arrr! (LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) END OF PLAY 27

32 PRODUCTION NOTES PROPERTIES ON STAGE ACT ONE: Palm trees, rocks, logs, palm leaves, hidden weapons, hidden pink duck. ACT TWO: Palm trees, rocks, logs, hidden treasure box. PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON ACT ONE: Spyglass (CASTAWAY) Jolly Roger flag (SWINK) Binoculars, large net (PROFESSOR, WIGGINS, HOLMES) Notebook, pencil (ROSIE) Rope (SAL S CREW) Cannon pulled by a string (PATCH) Wigs (SAL) ACT TWO: Large gun, spyglass (CASTAWAY) Scroll, notebook, pencil (ROSIE) White flag, treasure box with gold coins and jewels, hand mirror (FEATHERTON) Large flower (RUBY) Duck (PROFESSOR) Jolly Roger flag (QUEEN CORA) Bottle with note (PITT) Large seashell (JADE) Baseball cap (PEARL) Colorful feather (GOLDIE) Colorful bird (JIB) Large barrel (PATCH, GROG) SOUND EFFECTS Gunshot, duck quacking, tango music, romantic waltz music, can can music, trumpet fanfare. COSTUMING All PIRATES wear typical pirate attire: puffy shirts, black pants, vests, sashes, bandanas and pirate hats. The female pirates should wear something that is the color of their names, such as a corset, vest, sash, bandana, etc. All PIRATES also have guns, swords and daggers, either on them or hidden away, as the script requires. PITT and SWINK later disguise themselves in women s clothing with dresses, wigs, ladies gloves, garters and fake bosoms. Likewise, SAL S CREW needs feminine dresses and the like for the party scene. 28 NOTE: PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

33 CAPTAIN BLACKBOOT and SCURVY SAL should wear jackets and larger, more elaborate captain s hats. The ORNITHOLOGISTS should be in safari gear such as khaki colored clothes and safari hats. ROSIE REDSHOE may dress like the scientists in safari gear or as an urban reporter. Her footwear should be red but can be anything from boots to sneakers. CASTAWAY should look like a very ragged pirate. He may sport a long beard, cut-off pants and a ragged shirt or vest. QUEEN CORA should be dressed elegantly with a lovely full dress and perhaps a tiara or crown. FEATHERTON wears royal servant attire and a hat with a long feather in it. OPTIONAL SONGS Cap n Blackboot and Scurvy Sal are sung to the same tune, Yo, Ho, Ho, and a Bottle of Rum. What Do You Do with a Lovesick Pirate? is sung to the sea shanty tune What Do You Do with a Drunken Sailor? All of these optional songs may be sung a cappella or with accompaniment. Choreography should be simple, as fitting for pirates. Cap n Blackboot BLACKBOOT: Scurvy Sal s on the prowl tonight. ALL: Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum! BLACKBOOT: How many men will it take to fight? ALL: Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum! Load the cannon. Load your guns. Sharpen your cutlass. Everyone battle til the battle s done. Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum! GROG: Secret weapons ain t no match. ALL: Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum! PATCH: For a pistol and dagger in the hands of Patch! ALL: Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum! Load the cannon. Load your guns. Sharpen your cutlass. Everyone battle til the battle s done. Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum! Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum! 29

34 Scurvy Sal SAL: Blackboot s mean as a harpooned whale. ALL: Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum! SAL: Ain t no smarter than a keg of ale. ALL: Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum! Stow the cannon. Hide your guns. Play some music. Have some fun. We ll find treasure fore the day is done, Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum! GOLDIE: Blackboot s men ain t got a chance. ALL: Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum! JADE: They can fight, but they can t dance! ALL: Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum! Stow the cannon. Hide your guns. Play some music. Have some fun. We ll find treasure fore the day is done. Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum! Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum! What Do You Do With a Lovesick Pirate? ALL: What do you do with a lovesick pirate? What do you do with a lovesick pirate? What do you do with a lovesick pirate early in the morning?! PATCH: Tie him to the mast for a month or longer! ALL: Tie him to the mast for a month or longer! Tie him to the mast for a month or longer! Early in the morning! CHORUS: Weigh, hey, and up she rises! Weigh, hey, and up she rises! Weigh, hey, and up she rises! Early in the morning! PEARL: Put him in the hold with the rats and vermin! GROG: Put him in the hold with the rats and vermin! ALL: Put him in the hold with the rats and vermin! Early in the morning!

35 CHORUS: Shave his belly with a rusty razor! Shave his belly with a rusty razor! Shave his belly with a rusty razor! Early in the morning! CHORUS ORIGINAL CAST LIST Blackboot s Lost Loot was originally done by Kiowa High School, Kiowa, Colorado, April, 3. CAP N BLACKBOOT...Thomas Mackiewiz SCURVY SAL...Beth Campbell PITT...Connor Wills RUBY...Ye In Morris SWINK...Shawn Walcott PEARL...Ronnie Wallden PATCH...Matthew Robinson GOLDIE...Mallory Patterson GROG...Devlin Poff-French JADE...Tabitha Miner JIB...Andrew Ban CORAL...Whitney Alberti PROFESSOR...Tyler Pollick OPAL...Hallie Pippin HOLMES...Ryan Wills/Ben Sherer WIGGINS...Trasa Randolph CASTAWAY...Luke Paglinawan QUEEN CORA...Rebecca Sewald FEATHERTON...Audrey Malerich Stage/Tech Crew: Devlin Poff-French, Chelcie Wehrli, Bailey Zuzulka, Ben Sherer, Jeff Ashura, Jessica Ramierez. 3

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