Hang Up and Drive. (For our purposes, this essay is too short!) (Oh, no! Something else is missing!)

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Valerie Simpson
5 years ago
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1 A surprise comparison opens this editorial by eighth grade student Jessie, drawing readers in. Her position on the subject becomes evident early in the essay. Hang Up and Drive You see it every day, especially in freeway traffic. A car is weaving back and forth, speeding up then slowing down, or suddenly stopping. No, it s not a drunk driver. It s a cell-phone driver. Cell phones are used everywhere, but on the road they are a dangerous distraction to drivers and should be prohibited. The New England Journal of Medicine reported that motorists using a cell phone were four times more likely to have an accident than those not using a phone. The major problem is that the driver is not focused on the road, but on his or her conversation. Cell-phone drivers are very unpredictable: they weave, tailgate, drive too fast or too slow, make improper turns, run red lights, and even stop at green ones. It s not only annoying; it s hazardous. Cell-phone-related accidents include rear-ending vehicles; running off a road and crashing into trees, fences, and buildings; flipping over; and having head-on collisions. Many of these accidents result in fatalities. In October at the California Traffic Safety Summit, experts testified that cell phones used by drivers lead to at least 1,000 deaths per year in California. These are the same problems that occur with drunk driving, which is strictly outlawed and harshly enforced. For the same reasons, California needs laws that restrict the use of cell phones in cars. Until we take action to pass new laws, drivers at least need to be more responsible when using cell phones. The American Automobile Association recommends that drivers pull off the road before using a cell phone, have a passenger use it for them, or use voice mail to answer calls. Another suggestion is to keep the phone off while moving or simply not use it in the car. Before using a cell phone, drivers should think to themselves, Is this call really that important? (For our purposes, this essay is too short!) (Oh, no! Something else is missing!) Cell phones can be a vital link in emergencies, but drivers need to use them wisely. As professional NASCAR racer John Andretti says, Driving safely is your first responsibility. The best road to safety is to just hang up and drive. Commented [MN1]: Overview- This gives the reader a brief idea of what the paper will be about in one or two sentences. Commented [MN2]: Title- Simple yet effective; Please capitalize and spell your titles correctly! Commented [MN3]: Nice, realistic introduction! The claim is in the last sentence. Commented [MN4]: Body paragraph 1- This paragraph is excellent. It clearly supports the claim and provides SUFFICIENT evidence and examples! Commented [MN5]: Body paragraph 2- Excellent example of varied sentence structure! Commented [MN6]: Body paragraph 3- Where is it? This is the paragraph that is supposed to present the opposing side s point of view. Commented [MN7]: Body paragraph 4- Where is it? This is a final chance to counter my opponent and drive my claim home! I need my best evidence, support, and examples here. Commented [MN8]: Conclusion Nice conclusion. Short and to the point. I love how the concluding line refers back to the title of the paper!

2 When writing about pet peeves, you can react humorously or analytically to a common, everyday annoyance. Katie, the writer of this essay, tries to be sensible and analytical about the mosquito in her bedroom but becomes (in her own words) like a crazed wind turbine. Watch for a second simile that works very well in this piece. Also notice how the writer feels about the breeze in the first paragraph and how her feelings have changed by the sixth paragraph this change shows how stressed she has become. Mosquito Madness I m drifting off to sleep, listening to the summer night s breeze rustling the leaves on the oak outside my window. Peaceful. Dreamy. Safe. I m almost asleep when a loud buzzing sound fills my ear. A disturbing annoyance cancels all thoughts of sleep, disturbs all peace. Buzzzzzzzz...buzzzzzzzz...buzzzzzzz. Only a mosquito can make that sound. How did it get in here? Buzzzzz...buzzzzzzz. I swat and slap at this annoying creature. I ll get it; I know I will. I ll knock it down in midair and put it out of its misery. That itsy-bitsy pest can t survive my powerful swipes. So I swing to the left, to the right, above my head, over my stomach, everywhere. I don t miss an inch of the darkness. Nothing could survive this extreme attack of mine! I probably look like a crazed wind turbine. There, I m certain now it has to be dead. I had to hit it, with my arms flying everywhere swatting and swiping. It is probably knocked dead, somewhere on the floor... I ll just clean it up in the morning. Slowly my panting ebbs. Tranquility is returning. Then I realize my body is tensing, tensing. It is becoming so tense my muscles start to weaken. It must be tense because I am listening, listening. I m listening so hard my ears feel like they re twitching. Silence. Blessed silence. No nasty creature here to bother me anymore. The breeze rustles the leaves; I m on some beach azure water, giant white clouds like full-blooming magnolias, warm sand. Suddenly, I snap awake: buzzzzzzz...buzzzzzz...buzzzzzz. No! No! No! Okay, this time I will get it. I swing my feet onto the floor, turn on the light, pick up a T- shirt, and listen. Nothing. I peer everywhere like an eagle. Eagle Eye they should call me I don t miss anything. But, I look carefully into the light, and... nothing. Do lights attract mosquitoes? I think so. I scan the walls, the ceiling, my T-shirt gripped as hard as possible ready for the assault. Nothing. Silence. I watch the light. I stand still, listening and ready. Nothing. Silence. I wait, stiff as a board. Still nothing.

3 I decide to crawl back into bed, leaving the light on. I cling to the T-shirt. If that tiny pest is still in the vicinity, the light will attract it, and then I shall swat it, and then finally I shall have a peaceful night s rest. I wait, listen. A car goes by. The breeze rustles the leaves. How can I hear the buzz with all this racket? I get out of bed, close the window, get back into bed, and pick up my deadly weapon. Yes, now I can hear better; I am ready. The breeze won t disturb me now. I listen. I wait. First, I lie on my back. I can scan the space in my room now. Eagle Eye, that s me. I tune up both ears to 100 percent capacity. This is good. I was born ready for this adventurous game. I feel my back growing stiff. Suddenly I am not comfortable on my back anymore. I need to turn. I ll turn toward the light. The light should attract this pestering nuisance. All I really need to do is watch the space around the lamp. I wad up the T-shirt. New strategy. Good strategy. I m ready and waiting. One swipe and this war will be over. That mosquito will never bother anyone ever again. Then I see it, clinging to the wall like super glue, waiting for me to just smack it. On the count of three, I am going to kill it. One... two... THREE! SWAT! SWAP! SMACK! SWIPE! Ahhhhhh, at last! Finally, I ve put that little bug out of its misery and out of mine. And I guess I ll just clean it up (along with the broken lamp) in the morning.

4 Dan writes a problem-solution essay that focuses on one of the great temptations of the digital age: stealing intellectual property via the Internet. The essay begins by explaining the problem in detail and then shifts to recommending a set of solutions. Internet Plagiarism Not all thieves lurk in dark alleys and parks. Some sit with their faces lit by the glow of their computer monitors, copying, pasting, and printing. It may seem like just another helpful source of information, but the Internet has taken the theft of intellectual property to a new level. Part of the problem is that most students don t really know the exact definition of plagiarism or its consequences. Some say that using someone else s ideas without attributing them is a form of theft, but most people don t think of it as a serious crime. For teachers, Internet plagiarism has been especially problematic compared to theft from other sources. This is because it is so difficult to locate the origin of Internet material. To counter student plagiarism, Internet services designed to detect copied material have emerged to aid teachers. One company, TurnItIn.com, has developed a system for detecting material plagiarized from the Internet. Teachers can upload student works onto the site, which searches for similarities to material from all over the Web. The teachers then receive an originality report. To utilize this technology, teachers have students submit all papers electronically. The threat of using [these programs] will stop a lot of students. They will be afraid they ll be caught. Unfortunately, fear is what works, English teacher Judy Grear said. English teacher Barbara Swovelin said, With all the info that s on the Internet, it s understandable that we go to it to get information. It s understandable that people would use it as a resource. The legal and moral issues come in when students use it improperly. A main concern is not only the use of a few plagiarized sentences, but of entire papers. Paper mills like SchoolSucks.com and Evil House of Cheat are some of the most popular sources for pirated papers. Sites like these, which have achieved fame and

5 notoriety among slackers everywhere, were the motivation for TurnItIn.com and similar sites. In addition to such blatant cut and paste plagiarism, most teachers agree that students must be wary of the theft of ideas. One plagiarism-detection program, Word Check, asserts through their Web site, Whether you agree or disagree on how information should be used or reused in digital form, one thing is clear: protecting intellectual property from theft and infringement is the number one security issue. By some definitions, it seems like everyone plagiarizes. But for many students who feel that they might unknowingly plagiarize, programs like TurnItIn.com are intimidating. The detection system on TurnItIn.com, which is a part of plagiarism.org, claims to detect plagiarism down to the eight-word level, which many fear could include accidental lifting of words. You might lift an idea or a line or two. Everybody does that. Some writers don t read other writers because of it, Grear said. Swovelin responds positively to the new technology that detection programs use. What we would try to produce would be students who would be ethical. People learn lessons when they do something wrong, she said about the program. I think that the idea is good, Chris M., a senior, said. But it might be a little extreme because some phrases are common enough that they might be in more than one essay. The thieves are out there, and they aren t wearing stocking caps. They re not robbing banks; they re stealing words.

6 Jordan wants to have a nice, long summer at the end of seventh grade; her persuasive essay makes that quite evident with several points that support her opinion through the use of statistics, comparison, and expert testimony. Summer: 15 Days or 2 1/2 Months? The final bell rings. It s the last day of school, and summer has finally come! Students don t have to think about school for at least another 2 1/2 months. That is the way it should always be. Schools should continue using the traditional calendar and not a year-round schedule. There are numerous downsides to year-round schooling. It has no positive effects on education, it adds to costs, and it disrupts the long-awaited summer vacation. Contrary to the well-accepted belief, year-round schooling has no constructive impact on education. Most year-round schedules use the method: 45 days of school followed by 15 days off. Because of this, there are many first and last days of school. All those transitions disrupt the learning process. Also, there is no evidence of higher test scores. Due to that, many schools that change to year-round schedules end up switching back. For example, since 1980, 95 percent of schools that tried the year-round schedule changed back to a traditional calendar. It is obvious that changing to year-round schooling does not help students; therefore, why is the change necessary? Like any other facility, keeping a school open requires a great deal of money. When a school changes to a year-round schedule, the costs skyrocket. Keeping school open in the middle of summer requires air conditioning, and that adds significantly to the school s expenses. The usual utility bills grow because of the additional open-school time. Finally, teachers must be paid for all the weeks they are working. With all these factors, the cost of keeping schools open becomes immensely high. For example, a high school in Arizona had a cost increase of $157,000 when they switched to year-round schooling. Some schools may not be able to handle such increases, and other schools that can handle these

7 expenses could be doing better things with the money. Is year-round school really where the money should go? An important part of a child s life is summertime. With year-round schedules, students would hardly have any time to relax. During the 15-day breaks, they would be thinking about their quick return to school. It would also be difficult to coordinate family vacations with parents work schedules. Similarly, children would not be able to go to most summer camps. One expert, Dr. Peter Scales, says, The biggest plus of camp is that camps help young people discover and explore their talents, interests, and values. Most schools don t satisfy all these needs. Kids who have these kinds of [camp] experiences end up being healthier and have fewer problems. Obviously, the summer is crucial to a child s learning and development. Why should this invaluable part of a young person s life be taken away? It is evident that year-round schooling is not the best option for the school calendar. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the traditional school year. Why change something that works so well? The final bell rings. Let s make sure this bell means that the real summer vacation has come.

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