Landlubbers Ahoy! Drama scripts. CHARACTERS Actors of either sex can play the characters, just change the names and adapt the script where needed.

Transcription

1 Landlubbers Ahoy! Drama scripts The drama script is also available on the Landlubbers website: It would be good to have some dramatic theme music that can be played at the beginning of the drama each day. CHARACTERS Actors of either sex can play the characters, just change the names and adapt the script where needed. The Landlubbers Captain Kate: She s authoritative and in charge, though not always a wise leader. Miserable Roger: He s always pessimistic and not at all jolly. Bluebeard: He doesn t have a beard! (Although, if you have a bearded actor who s willing to dye it blue for a week, then go for it!) Dangerous Daisy: She wears a lot of pink and is quite girly, but has a mean streak. The Navy Naval officer: Confident and authoritative. If possible, he should wear an old-style naval uniform, in the style of Nelson or Horatio Hornblower, and he speaks with a posh accent. Sailors: Two or three extras, who rarely speak. They should wear white T-shirts with blue horizontal stripes. (This is especially important if you are going to perform episode 6 during a follow-up Sunday service). EPISODE 1 Props: spades, treasure chests, various pirate weapons, a bomb; cannon, ship s wheel (both optional) Sound effects: an explosion The pirates are already on stage. They are surrounded by treasure chests and weapons, which they are burying. Captain Kate: (To the children.) Ahoy there! I haven t seen you on this island before. I thought we were the only ones here. Let me introduce myself. I m Captain Kate, and this is my crew. As she introduces each one, they step forward and say aarh!. This is Roger.We call him Miserable Roger, because he s never jolly! And this is Daisy. Don t be deceived by her dainty looks, she s mean real mean! That s why we call her Dangerous Daisy. And this is Michael Finnegan. He had a beard once, but we got into a storm and it blew in again, so now we call him Bluebeard! Do you get it? Blew-beard? Oh never mind! We re pirates. At least, we used to be pirates, but we ve decided that we don t want to be bad any more.that s why we ve come here to bury our weapons and treasure. You won t tell anybody where they are, will you? (To the crew.) Anyway, that s enough talking.we d better get this stuff buried, and then we can start our new lives as honest citizens. Bluebeard: It s not quite as simple as that first we need to get a royal pardon from the king. Dangerous Daisy: Pardon? Captain Kate: Aye, that s right. Dangerous Daisy: What s right? Captain Kate: What you said. Dangerous Daisy: But I just said, Pardon? Captain Kate: Aye, that s right. Dangerous Daisy: But I said, Pardon? because I didn t hear what you said.what do we need to get from the king? Captain Kate: A pardon. Dangerous Daisy: (Shouting slowly.) I said, WHAT DO WE NEED TO GET FROM THE KING? Captain Kate: Avast there, me hearties! Let me explain. We need the king to pardon us, or in other words, to forgive us for all the bad things we ve done.then we ll be free women. Bluebeard: Ahem! Captain Kate: Sorry, free people. And we won t have to run away from the law any more. Miserable Roger: So why are we burying all our loot and weapons? Captain Kate: Because we have to show the king that we really want to stop robbing people and start a new life. So we re burying all the things to do with our old pirate life, and starting again! Miserable Roger: Shiver me timbers! If we do that, we ll have to work for a living! Bluebeard: And we still won t earn nearly as much money as we get from robbing and looting. Dangerous Daisy: And if we bury all our weapons, other pirates might even rob us! Captain Kate:You re right, there will be a cost if we decide to go straight. But don t you think it will be worth it? Imagine what it will be like to be free women! Bluebeard and Miserable Roger: Ahem! Captain Kate: Sorry, people.

2 Miserable Roger: She s right, you know, it will be worth it. Let s go for it! All: Hurrah! They bury their treasure and weapons. Captain Kate: Right, is that all the weapons buried? Miserable Roger: Aye, aye, captain! Bluebeard: Aye, aye, captain! Dangerous Daisy: Er Captain Kate: Come on Daisy, we have to bury all our weapons. Dangerous Daisy: (Reluctantly.) Oh, all right then! Daisy proceeds to produce lots of weapons from various places pistols and knives from her belt, cutlasses from her trouser legs and shirt sleeves etc. She also produces the bomb from inside her hat. As she is doing this, Captain Kate should keep up a commentary, with phrases such as, Is that all of them, now? and, Shiver me timbers! Surely there can t be any more? Captain Kate: Is that all your weapons now, Daisy? Dangerous Daisy: Nearly! Hold on a minute! (She goes off-stage and comes back towing a large cannon! If you don t have a cannon, miss out this line, and just have Daisy reply, Aye, aye, captain.) Captain Kate: Good. Everything to do with our old life as pirates is now buried. Miserable Roger: But what about the ship? Bluebeard: Let s blow it up! (Before the others can stop him, he grabs the bomb and lights it.) Captain Kate: (Unaware of the bomb.) No, we need the ship so that we can sail off this island and go to see the king. Miserable Roger: (Noticing the bomb.) Look out! The lit bomb is passed from one to the other in a panic. Eventually Bluebeard runs offstage with it. After a brief pause, we hear a loud explosion, and a ship s wheel (or something similar) comes rolling in. Bluebeard doesn t return. Dangerous Daisy: We re Landlubbers now! How are we going to get to the king? Miserable Roger: Don t worry, we ll just have to hope there s a port or something on this island. Captain Kate:We d better hurry up though that bang would ve been heard all over the island! They hastily finish burying the loot and weapons. As they finish, a group of sailors, armed to the teeth, arrives with their officer. Naval officer: Hold it right there! I arrest you in the name of the king, for piracy on the high seas! The three remaining Landlubbers go for their weapons, but realise they have none. The sailors capture the Landlubbers, and take them offstage. Naval officer: Ha, ha! I should get a fine ransom for that lot! (He exits.) Theme music plays. EPISODE 2 Props: rope, boiled sweet, pirate flag hankie, two handbags, lobster or crab, (fabric) daffodils, a scroll with a big seal (the royal pardon) The theme music plays and we see that the three captured Landlubbers are already on stage, guarded by the Naval officer and some sailors. They are tied up, but loosely, so they can still move around. Dangerous Daisy: You ll never get away with this, you deck-swabbing rascals! Naval officer: On the contrary, my dear, we should get away with a very large ransom. Miserable Roger: And what if no one will pay it? Naval officer: In that case, you ll never get away.you ll be hanged, here on this island. Now then, it s time to splice the main brace, so we ll leave you to think about your positions. (Sarcastically.) Don t go away now. Ha, ha, ha! (He exits with the other sailors.) Captain Kate: Right then, how much money have we got? Turn out your handbags ladies. Miserable Roger: Ahem! Captain Kate: Sorry. I mean, turn out your handbags, Landlubbers. Miserable Roger: Ahem! Captain Kate: Sorry. I mean, turn out your handbags and pockets, Landlubbers. They turn out their pockets etc. Miserable Roger: Oh look I ve found that boiled sweet I was sucking last week. It s got a few bits of fluff stuck to it, but it should be OK. (He eats it.) Captain Kate: Never mind that, what s in the other pocket? Miserable Roger: Just my hankie, look! (He pulls out a big skull and crossbones flag.) Captain Kate: What have you got in your bag, Daisy? Dangerous Daisy: Hold on, I ll have a look. (Puts hand in her handbag.) Ouch! (She pulls out a lobster.) How did that get in there? (She puts it down next to her.) Captain Kate: Hmm, very fishy.what else have you got? Dangerous Daisy: I ve got some golden Captain Kate: (Interrupting.) Excellent! Golden coins! We can pay the ransom! Dangerous Daisy: No, not golden coins golden daffodils, from my boyfriend, Cut-throat Chris the Cruel. Ahh, he s such a softie!

3 Captain Kate: Mm, it sound like it! Miserable Roger: Oh! Those flowers are giving me hay fever. I think I m going to sneeze. Aah aah aah (Kate puts her finger under Roger s nose so that he doesn t sneeze.) Dangerous Daisy: What s in your handbag, Captain Kate? Captain Kate: Let s see (She takes her finger from under Roger s nose and puts her hand in her handbag. Roger starts to sneeze again, Aah aah aah so she puts her finger back. This is repeated a few times.) Captain Kate: Daisy, put your finger here for a minute, please. Dangerous Daisy: You must be joking! It s horrible. Captain Kate: No it s not. Dangerous Daisy: Tis Captain Kate: Snot Dangerous Daisy: Tis Captain Kate: (Shouting.) SNOT! Miserable Roger: It s OK; I don t think I m going to sneeze now. Captain Kate: Are you sure? (Roger nods.) Okay then. Kate removes her finger. As soon as she does, Roger sneezes very loudly. He then produces his hankie and blows his nose very loudly too. Captain Kate: Finished? Miserable Roger:Yes thanks. Captain Kate: Good. (She turns away.) Roger blows his nose very loudly again. Captain Kate: Shiver me timbers! Will you stop that? This is serious business and not to be sneezed at! Miserable Roger: Sorry, cap n. Captain Kate: (Feels in her handbag.) Well I haven t got any money either. Miserable Roger:You mean we can t pay the ransom? Dangerous Daisy: Oh no, I ll never see Cut-throat Chris again! Boo-hoo-hoo! Miserable Roger: Here, have this. (He hands her his hankie.) Dangerous Daisy:Thank you. (She blows her nose very loudly.) Captain Kate: Aye, it does look pretty bleak. (She sits down, despondently, next to Dangerous Daisy. But she sits on the lobster and jumps up again very quickly.) Ouch! Who put that lobster there? Dangerous Daisy: Sorry, cap n. Miserable Roger: We can t pay the ransom! We re all going to die! Miserable Roger and Dangerous Daisy: Boo-hoo-hoo! They each hold one end of the hankie, and blow their noses at the same time, loudly. Captain Kate: Avast there, me hearties! If we can t buy our freedom, we ll just have to try to escape. Come on! Because they are tied together, whenever one moves away, the whole lot have to follow. Two of the Landlubbers run in opposite directions, the rope between them gets taut and, they spring back and crash into each other. As they run around, they get tangled up in each other. Miserable Roger: It s no use.we ll never get out of this alive! Boo-hoo-hoo! Dangerous Daisy: Do you want your hankie back? Miserable Roger: No thanks it s a bit soggy now! Captain Kate: Let s just sit down. I m sure we can think of something. (She sits.) Ouch! Will someone please get rid of this lobster! And make it snappy! Dangerous Daisy: Sorry, cap n! Bluebeard enters. Bluebeard: Ahoy there, shipmates! Come on, stop sitting around there looking miserable we ve got an island to explore. Captain Kate: We d love to join you, but we re a bit tied up at the moment! Bluebeard: Oh, don t worry about that. I ll untie you. (He does.) Dangerous Daisy: You d better be quick the navy could come back at any moment. Bluebeard: Oh, don t worry about them.they won t trouble us any more! Miserable Roger: Why, have you captured them all and made them walk the plank? Bluebeard: No, I didn t need to. Look at this. (He shows them a scroll.) Miserable Roger: Wow! A royal pardon! Dangerous Daisy: The king has forgiven us! Captain Kate: We re free women! Miserable Roger: Ahem! Captain Kate: Sorry, free people! Bluebeard: Aye, we re all free now.we re no longer wanted for piracy.the king has pardoned us, so the navy have to let you go. Dangerous Daisy: Wow! That s brilliant! (She gives him a kiss.) Bluebeard: Hey steady on! What will Cut-throat Chris say? Besides, before you get too excited, there s something really important that you should know All freeze. Theme music plays. EPISODE 3 Props: rubber ring or armbands, a plank and something to stand it on, piece of paper (advert for race) Sound effects: a drum roll, chase music As the theme music plays, the Landlubbers enter

4 and freeze in exactly the same positions they were in at the end of the last episode. Bluebeard: Aye, we re all free now.we re no longer wanted for piracy.the king has pardoned us, so the navy have to let you go. Dangerous Daisy: Wow! That s brilliant! (She gives him a kiss.) Bluebeard: Hey steady on! What will Cut-throat Chris say? Besides, before you get too excited, there s something really important that you should know. Captain Kate: Don t worry.we know you blew up the ship. But that s fine.we ve got enough treasure buried to buy a new one. Bluebeard: Ah, well we might not have as much as you thought You see, I had to use some so that I could travel to see the king to get these pardons. Miserable Roger: Exactly how much have we got left? Bluebeard: Er well in round figures and taking into account the exchange rate between guineas, doubloons and pieces of eight Captain Kate: How much have we got? Bluebeard: Er nothing. Dangerous Daisy: Nothing?! You mean you ve dug up all our treasure and spent the lot? Captain Kate: But at least we ve still got our weapons, right? Bluebeard: Er no. I m afraid I had to sell those, too. Miserable Roger:You mean you ve sold our cutlasses? Bluebeard: Aye, I had a cut-price sale. Prices were slashed! Dangerous Daisy: And you sold our guns? Bluebeard: I m afraid so lock, stock and barrel! Miserable Roger:You scurvy dog! We ll make you walk the plank for this! Get him! Some lively chase music is played as they all chase Bluebeard around the stage. But they keep obstructing one another and colliding, tripping up etc. Eventually though, they catch Bluebeard. Captain Kate: Right then shipmates, set up the plank. While Captain Kate holds Bluebeard, the other two set up a plank. Roger carries the plank on his shoulders, but every time he turns around, he swings the plank round and narrowly misses Daisy s head, causing her to duck. Daisy then takes over, and carries it at hip level under her arm. Every time Roger bends down to prepare the ground, Daisy swings round and the plank hits his bottom, causing him to stand up abruptly. Eventually the plank is set up, about 30 cm above the floor. Bluebeard: Please, don t make me walk the plank! Anything but the plank! I can t swim! Captain Kate: Don t be ridiculous.whoever heard of a pirate who couldn t swim? There is a drum roll as Bluebeard slowly walks the length of the plank. Bluebeard: Wait.You haven t granted me a last request. It s traditional, you know. Captain Kate:Very well, what is your last request? Bluebeard whispers to Captain Kate. Captain Kate then hands him a rubber ring (or some armbands). Bluebeard: Here goes then. Goodbye world! (He jumps off the end, then just stands there, looking bemused.) Dangerous Daisy: Er, captain, it doesn t work very well on land, does it? Captain Kate: (Unconvincingly.) Er No well spotted! I was wondering who would spot that first! Just my little joke! (She laughs nervously.) Miserable Roger: So what shall we do with him now? Dangerous Daisy: I know! Let s bury him alive and make him put scorpions down his trousers and never talk to him again and feed him to the sharks and cook him in a big cauldron and make him wash it up afterwards and Captain Kate: (Interrupting.) Aye, thank you, Dangerous Daisy; I think we ve got the general idea. Bluebeard: (Soppily.) Ahh! She s such a sweet girl! Sugar and spice and all things nice! I think I might be falling in love! Dangerous Daisy: (Overhearing.) On the other hand, perhaps we should let him off. Miserable Roger: Why should we do that? He s spent all our treasure and destroyed our ship.we re poor now, and we ll never get off this island.we ll be stuck here for ever and ever. And I don t even like fish! Boo-hoo-hoo! Captain Kate: Dangerous Daisy may have a point though, Roger. After all, we re supposed to be starting a new, honest life.we ve turned our back on nasty things like making people walk the plank, or feeding them to the sharks. Miserable Roger: Oh. Couldn t we just feed small bits of them to the sharks? You know, for old time s sake? Captain Kate: No Roger, we can t.those old times are behind us now.we ve got to try to obey the king s laws now. Dangerous Daisy: That s true Bluebeard did get us a royal pardon from the king. Surely that s worth more than any treasure! Captain Kate:You re right, Daisy. I think it is. (She holds out her hand to shake Bluebeard s.) Bluebeard, welcome to the Landlubbers! Miserable Roger: (Shaking Bluebeard s hand.) Welcome to the Landlubbers!

5 Dangerous Daisy: (Kissing Bluebeard on the cheek.) Welcome to the Landlubbers, handsome! Captain Kate: Great, we re all friends again! Miserable Roger: But we re still poor and stranded though. Boo-hoo-hoo! Captain Kate: Oh, no, he s off again. Has anyone got a hankie? Bluebeard: Here, use this bit of paper. Roger takes the paper and blows his nose loudly. Then he looks at the paper. Miserable Roger: Hey! Where did you get this bit of paper? Bluebeard: I just found it on the ground.why? Miserable Roger: Look at this. (They all gather round.) Dangerous Daisy: Now that is interesting! Captain Kate:Yes, I ve never seen it quite as green and sticky as that before! Dangerous Daisy: No, not that. Look at what s written on the paper. I think this bit of paper could make us rich! Look what it says here All freeze. Theme music plays. EPISODE 4 Props: the race advert from yesterday, a Some time later sign, treasure chest, large hand, five cannonballs (balls painted black), a finishing tape Sound effects: a cannon shot, slow running music (such as the theme from Chariots of Fire) As the theme music plays, the Landlubbers enter and freeze in exactly the same positions they were in at the end of the last episode. Captain Kate: (Reading from the paper.) Annual Cannonball relay in Mainport.The winning team will win a treasure chest! Dangerous Daisy: A treasure chest! Just think what we could do with a chest full of treasure! Miserable Roger: We could get off this horrible island, for a start. Bluebeard: Let s enter! When is it? Dangerous Daisy: It s today! Captain Kate: Come on then, girls, we ve no time to lose! Roger and Bluebeard: Ahem! Captain Kate: Sorry! Come on Landlubbers, we ve no time to lose! (They exit in a hurry, but Roger lags behind.) Miserable Roger: What s the use? We ll never get there in time. (He exits.) A sailor carries a sign across the front of the stage, which says Some time later. As he does so, the Naval officer enters and stands by the treasure chest. Naval officer:...and those are the teams competing in this year s cannonball relay, all hoping to win this fine treasure chest! But wait we have a late entry. My lords, ladies and gentlemen, and (To children.) all you peasants, please give a big hand to the Landlubbers! Landlubbers enter, hot and panting. A sailor enters with a big hand cutout. Naval officer: Hey, you man! What are you doing? Sailor: You said to give them a big hand. Naval officer: Not that kind of hand. Just go and get the cannonballs. Bluebeard: Phew! We only just made it in time. I m exhausted! Miserable Roger: We all are. I don t know why we re bothering.we ll never win. The sailor returns, carrying four cannonballs, and gives them one each. Roger can t lift his, and he quickly lowers it to the ground. He remains bent over, trying to lift the cannonball from the floor. Meanwhile Daisy is holding hers in one hand and throwing it up and down. Naval officer:the race will begin when the cannon is fired. On your marks Get set There is a loud bang, and a cannonball comes whizzing in from offstage, narrowly missing the Landlubbers. Dangerous Daisy: Oi! Watch what you re doing with that cannon.you could have had someone s eye out with that! Bluebeard: (Sarcastically.)Yeah, and who ever heard of a pirate with an eye patch? Captain Kate: Never mind that! Get on with the race. Miserable Roger: (Straining to lift the cannonball.) It s no use. It s too heavy, captain! Bluebeard: Hold on, there s a fly on it. (He mimes picking off the fly, then eats it.) Mmm! Yummy! Miserable Roger: (Lifting the cannonball easily.) That s better.thanks, Bluebeard. Right, let s go men! Daisy and Kate: Ahem! Miserable Roger: Sorry. Let s go, Landlubbers! They mime, running on the spot in slow motion. The running music is played in the background. Dangerous Daisy:This cannonball is a bit slippery! Daisy fumbles and drops the cannonball. Bluebeard, who is behind her, stubs his toe on the dropped cannonball. He hops around, yelling and clutching his toes. Daisy bends down to pick up the ball, and Captain Kate trips over her. Then Bluebeard, still hopping, crashes into Roger. They all end up in a heap on the floor. Miserable Roger: It s no use, we ll never win now. The sailor returns, carrying the Some time later

6 sign across the stage. As he does, he carries one end of a finishing ribbon. Another sailor holds the other end, so they end up holding a finishing tape stretched across the stage. Meanwhile, the Landlubbers have got up and retrieved their cannonballs. Miserable Roger: Come on, we may as well at least finish the course. They walk, slowly and dejectedly, to the finishing tape. Naval officer: And the winners are the Landlubbers! Landlubbers: Eh? Naval officer: Congratulations. All the other teams were disqualified for cheating. So now that you ve finished (at last!) that makes you the winners! And here is your treasure chest. Now I must be going. My dinner was ready ages ago. Dangerous Daisy: Hurrah! We ve won the treasure chest! We re rich! What s in it, Roger? Miserable Roger: (Looking in the chest.) Oh no! Captain Kate: Oh Roger, you really are such a misery. What can you possibly have to be sad about now? Miserable Roger: It s empty! Bluebeard: It can t be empty the note said the prize would be a treasure chest! Miserable Roger: But it didn t say there d be any treasure in it, did it? I told you it was no use.we ll never get off this island now. Captain Kate: Avast there me hearties, I ve got an idea! All freeze. Closing theme. EPISODE 5 Props: pebbles, plastic bottle with no label, paper and quill pen, eight semaphore-type flags, two pints of milk Sound effects: a splash As the theme music plays, the Landlubbers enter and freeze in exactly the same positions they were in at the end of the last episode. Captain Kate: Avast there me hearties, I ve got an idea! (She starts to put pebbles on the ground.) Miserable Roger: It ll never work. Bluebeard: We haven t even heard it yet! Miserable Roger: Doesn t matter it s bound to go wrong. Captain Kate:Ta-da! Dangerous Daisy: What? Captain Kate: Look what I ve written with the pebbles Bluebeard: Sos! What does sos mean? Captain Kate: Not sos. S O S! Dangerous Daisy: What does that mean? Captain Kate: It stands for shipwrecked on shore. If anyone sees that, they ll know we re shipwrecked, and they ll come to rescue us! Dangerous Daisy: But how will they know that it stands for shipwrecked on shore? Bluebeard:Yes, it could mean silly old sailors. Dangerous Daisy: (Glaring at Bluebeard.) Or spent our savings. Miserable Roger: Or sobs of sadness. Boo-hoo-hoo! I told you it d never work! Captain Kate: Oh, stop moaning, you lot.we re not silly old sailors, because we ve decided to obey the king, so that makes us wise. And we may have spent our savings, but it was well worth it to get the king s pardon. And sometimes we might have sobs of sadness, but if we ask the king, I m sure he ll help us out. Dangerous Daisy: You re right, cap n. All we have to do is work out how to get a message to the king. He s bound to help us! Bluebeard: I know! Let s put a message in a bottle, and send it to the king. Miserable Roger: Well we could but I don t think there are any milkmen on this island, so who will collect the bottle? Bluebeard: We don t need a milkman.we ll just throw the bottle into the sea, and wait for it to float to the king. Miserable Roger: Oh I see not a milkman, but a milk float! Captain Kate: Right then me hearties, has anyone got a bottle? Daisy, Kate and Bluebeard check their pockets and surroundings for a bottle. Meanwhile, Roger is writing a note. Dangerous Daisy: I ve found one. Miserable Roger: Great! Here s the message. He hands the message to Daisy, who puts it into the bottle, and throws it (if possible) over the children s heads, into the sea. The splash sound effect is heard. Bluebeard: As soon as that reaches the king, I m sure he ll come and help us. Dangerous Daisy: What message did you write Roger? Miserable Roger: I wrote, Two extra pints please. All: Oh Roger! Dangerous Daisy: Oh well, it s no use crying over spilt milk! Why don t we try signalling using flags? Captain Kate: What, like semaphore, you mean? Dangerous Daisy: Exactly. (She gives out the flags.) Take two flags each, and then we can wave them about to spell out a code. Ready? Start signalling. The Landlubbers stand side by side and begin to wave their flags. But they re all doing different

7 things, so they keep narrowly missing one another with the flags. Captain Kate: It s no use. It won t work unless we all send the same message. Everybody copy me. (To the children.) And you d better help too. Stand up and get ready to wave your arms. OK, here we go! Suitable music is played, and Captain Kate leads everyone in doing some actions for a while the Landlubbers with their flags, and the children with their arms. Bluebeard: Phew, I m worn out now. Captain Kate:Yes, I m flagging too! Naval officer enters. Naval officer: Ahoy there, Landlubbers! I m glad I ve found you.the king told me you need some help. Miserable Roger: But how did he know? Naval officer: He got your messages, of course. Oh, I nearly forgot here are your extra pints of milk. Miserable Roger: Oh, thank you. I can have my favourite breakfast cereal now Golden Nuggets! Officer: When the king got your messages, he sent me to help you.you can join my crew. I ll take you off the island, and you ll get a free uniform and all your meals provided.you won t have to worry about anything. Captain Kate: But how did the king get our messages so quickly? Officer: Oh, the king s never far away. And he loves to help people. So, what do you say? Do you want to join my crew? All: (With gusto.) Aye, aye, Captain! Theme tune plays. All exit. EPISODE 6 Props: old, white T-shirts (for Bluebeard and Roger to wear under their pirate clothes), a large colourful feather, a bunch of bananas, a squid that squirts ink (For the squid, make a cone from brown material, and stick or draw on two eyes, about half way up. Cut the bottom of the cone to make ten strips for legs. Inside the top part the head attach a washing-up liquid bottle, which can be squeezed to squirt the ink.the ink can be made from water mixed with blue food colouring.) Sound effects: a bell ringing As the theme music plays, the Landlubbers enter. They are all happy, apart from Roger. Captain Kate: We re joining the king s crews whoopee! Bluebeard: I ve always wanted to go on a cruise relaxing by the pool, dining at the captain s table, visiting exotic lands Captain Kate: Not that sort of cruise. I mean we re joining the king s crews the crews of his ships. Dangerous Daisy: We re going to join the king s navy hooray! Captain Kate: Whoopee! Bluebeard: Fantastic! Miserable Roger: Boo-hoo-hoo! Captain Kate: Why are you crying, Roger? You should be happy we re saved! Bluebeard:Yes, we don t have to be landlubbers anymore we ll be water workers. Dangerous Daisy: So why the water works? Miserable Roger: How can we join the navy, when we haven t got anything to wear? Captain Kate: Of course we have.we ve got our pirate hats Bluebeard: And our pirate boots and our pirate belts Dangerous Daisy: And our pirate handbags and our pirate coats, and Miserable Roger: What colour are your pirate clothes, Dangerous Daisy? Dangerous Daisy: Well pink, mostly. Miserable Roger: Not navy, then? Captain Kate: My belt is a lovely orange colour! Miserable Roger: Ah, but is it a naval orange? Captain Kate: Naval orange? Naval dry biscuits and naval mouldy apples more like! I bet the food on board ship will be rubbish! Dangerous Daisy: But I ve got to have my vitamins, so that I stay looking beautiful! Bluebeard: And without vitamin C, we might get ill. Miserable Roger: We re all going to get scurvy! Boo-hoohoo! Captain Kate: Cheer up, Roger, Daisy and I will go and find lots of fruit. Dangerous Daisy: And vegetables. Miserable Roger: And nuts? Captain Kate: (Looking pointedly at the congregation.) Yes, I think there are plenty of nuts here! Bluebeard: Can we have some fish, too? Captain Kate:Yes we ll catch so many fish; you ll have to start calling me Captain Hook! Dangerous Daisy: And you can call me Captain Birdseye! Bluebeard: And I ll cook them so well that you ll call me Captain Cook! Miserable Roger: And I ll be Captain er Captain um (With sudden inspiration.) Captain Kirk! Captain Kate: (Dismissively.) Never heard of him! Come on Daisy, let s go and see what we can find. Kate and Daisy exit. A bell rings offstage, but they all ignore it. Miserable Roger: Right then, Bluebeard, lets do something about our clothes. Come on, take your coat

8 off. (He starts to take off his own coat.) Bluebeard: But I might get cold! Miserable Roger: Don t be silly we re on a tropical island. Bluebeard: Well, I might get sunburnt then! Miserable Roger: Look, we can t go on the king s ship dressed like this. Everyone will laugh at us! We have to try to look like the other sailors. They take off their coats, waistcoats etc to reveal white T-shirts underneath. Bluebeard: (Trying to cover himself up with his arms.) I feel all naked now! Miserable Roger: Don t be ridiculous.we need to paint some blue stripes on these undershirts to make them look like uniforms. Bluebeard: How do we do that? Miserable Roger: We ll need sick squid ink. Bluebeard: Six quid! That s a bit pricey for ink, isn t it? Miserable Roger: No, not six quid, sick squid. Healthy squids ink is black, but it goes blue when they are ill. Bluebeard:You mean, when they re feeling off-colour? Miserable Roger: Exactly! (Pointing to the squid on the floor.) Here, that one looks a bit seasick. Bluebeard: (Picks it up.) But how do you get the ink out? Miserable Roger: It comes from underneath. Bluebeard: Oh, I see (Looks underneath and gets squirted in the face.) Miserable Roger: (Laughing.) Now you really are Bluebeard! Bluebeard: Oh, ha, ha! Right! Stand still and I ll paint some stripes on your shirt. Roger stands still, and Bluebeard walks around him, painting horizontal stripes onto his T-shirt using a feather. Miserable Roger: If we re painting our undershirts, do you think we should paint our underpants, too? Bluebeard: (Sarcastically.)Yeah, great idea! What colour do you fancy? Gold? Silver? Miserable Roger: Don t be daft! You can t paint long johns silver! Bluebeard: All this walking around in circles is making me dizzy! I think I m going to fall over! He stops walking, but begins to sway and stagger about. This causes him to paint erratically on Roger s shirt, so that it ends up looking a mess. Miserable Roger: Stop it! You idiot! Look what you ve done! Bluebeard: All right, don t get shirty! It s your turn to make my uniform now. Miserable Roger: But what if I get dizzy, too? Bluebeard: I know! You stand still, and I ll turn round! Miserable Roger: Brilliant! He stands still while Bluebeard turns round on the spot. Inevitably, Bluebeard gets dizzy again, and staggers about, which means that his T-shirt ends up a mess too. Miserable Roger: Oh no! Now what are going to wear? Boo-hoo-hoo! Captain Kate and Dangerous Daisy return, carrying a bunch of bananas. Dangerous Daisy: Why are you so blue? Bluebeard: Perhaps you can cheer him up. Did you find lots of lovely food? Captain Kate: I m afraid not. All we found was loads of these bent yellow things. I think they re edible, but they taste disgusting! Bluebeard: Let me try one (He takes a banana and bites it without peeling it.) Urgh! That is disgusting! (He makes a big deal of spitting and screwing up his face.) Dangerous Daisy: All right! Don t make a meal of it! Miserable Roger:We re all going to starve! Or die of scurvy! And in our underwear! Boo-hoo-hoo! The Naval officer enters. Naval officer: Ahoy there, shipmates! Didn t you hear the bell? Captain Kate: What bell? Naval officer: The bell for dinner.there s meat, bread and fresh fruit, and all sorts of other things too. Nothing fancy, but it s everything you need to stay fit and healthy. You ll need more than just bananas. (He takes a banana, peels it and begins to eat it.) But you d better hurry there won t be any more until teatime. Bluebeard:We get tea as well? Naval officer: Of course. But let s take things one step at a time, shall we? Have some dinner, and then you can get measured for your new uniforms. Roger and Bluebeard: Uniforms?! Naval officer:yes.you don t have to worry about anything the king will give you everything you need.you can even get new undershirts. I don t know what you ve been up to, but it looks like you ve had a fight with a giant squid. Go on, hurry along and get your dinner. All the Landlubbers: Aye, aye captain! They all exit, the Landlubbers in one direction, and the captain in the other.