Term Definition Introduced in:

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1 How to Manage Emotions in the Workplace Key Terms Term Definition Introduced in: Aggressive A style of anger expression signified by physical outbursts, intimidation, and a need for control and the appearance of strength Module 5 Body Language Crossed arms, frowning, and foot tapping examples of body language that communicates anger or annoyance Module 2 Emotion A mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort, often accompanied by physiological changes and feelings Module 1 Hot Button A situation or environment that triggers angry emotion Module 2 Paraverbal Communication Understanding perceived through the interpretation of verbal delivery; gaining meaning from how something is said (tone, inflection, etc.) rather than from words Module 2 Passive A style of anger expression signified by withdrawl; A passive angry person avoids confrontation and often remains angry to the detriment of their own well being Module 5 Passive Aggressive A style of anger expression signified by indirect and paraverbal outbursts of anger at the source or the community at large Module 5 SMART action plan A plan for resolving an issue using Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Rewarding, and Timely steps and goals Module 4 Verbal Communication The act of communicating through spoken word Module 2 Glossary Page 1

2 MANAGE EMOTIONS IN THE WORKPLACE MODULE ONE UNDERSTANDING EMOTIONS Module number one Understanding Emotions. The reality is that emotions affect all of us. That s what makes us human. But in the workplace, our emotions especially anger can cause problems. A lot of times I know we may feel helpless to the power of emotions, especially when work is piling up, deadlines are getting tight, Sales is breathing down our neck, and our workload has become overwhelming. But we re not helpless. There s something we can do, and actually there s a lot we can do. So let s start with understanding what is emotion. Dictionary.com tells us that emotion is a mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort. It is also often accompanied by physiological changes and feeling. So let me say that again an emotion is a mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes a feeling. See, the reality is that emotions are feelings. This is the first thing we re going to need to grasp in understanding emotions, is that emotions are feelings and they re interchangeable. We re going to use those words interchangeably today. They re truly synonyms. The second thing that we want to take note of is that emotions are spontaneous. That means that we can t just turn them on or off as we wish. Now, wouldn t it be great in the workplace if you could just turn your emotions off, go to work, and then turn them on at a later time? But the reality is the emotions are really part of us. It s what makes us human. So you can t just turn off your emotions just because they re producing an effect that you don t want. Remember, producing emotions is not a conscious effort. It s kind of like Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 1 Page 1

3 breathing. Keep in mind, if you were to stop breathing you consciously said I m not going to breathe what would happen in two, three, four minutes from now? You d pass out and eventually your body would take over and you d start to breathe. Well, building up emotions is the same way. When you try to contain it, what happens is it builds up pressure and eventually, it comes out. Now trying to stop your emotions isn t really managing them. All it s doing is really delaying them or ignoring them, when what you really are doing is only postponing the inevitable. So to understand what you can do, if ignoring the emotions isn t the solution, we need to look at other ways that we can handle our emotions. In order to do that, first we need to understand the roots of emotions. That is the first key to unlocking the key of managing the emotions. This comes from three areas thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Our thoughts affect the way we feel, and then we act either internally or externally or both, based on how we feel. So thoughts are conscious. We can control our thoughts. So to effectively manage our emotions, we must first start by controlling our thoughts. Then when we look at it in this light, there really aren t any bad emotions. There are only appropriate and inappropriate responses. Let s self-direct for just a moment. If I polled the group here today to see who had ever had a feeling of guilt, discouragement, loneliness, or anger, I would suspect that the results are between 98 and 100 percent. If I asked you to dig just a little deeper, since we re all human on the call, I would suspect that that answer was probably all of us. See, it s natural. It s okay. We re human. And I m not here to tell you that you shouldn t experience these emotions. I mean just imagine a world where people didn t Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 1 Page 2

4 experience emotions. That certainly wouldn t be very gratifying no highs, no lows, no disappointment, no excitement. It would almost be going into a freaky Twilight Zone world. That s not really where we want you to go. Where I need you to go today with me is to take a look at how can we manage these emotions. How can we take control, and how can we be in control instead of letting them control us? In order to do that, throughout today I m going to share with you some examples, and I m going to use my friend Bob. He s an imaginary friend of mine and he gets himself in all kinds of office shenanigans. Because of the flexibility of his schedule and his career needs, I tend to use him and he tends to pop up from time to time. So let s take a look at what Bob s up to right now. Well, Bob works for a medical supply company. And Linda is one of Bob s customers who works for a skilled nursing facility. Early one morning, Bob gets a call from Linda, and she s MAD. She s irate. The supplies she ordered have not yet arrived, and it s a day late already and she needs them now. Bob s mad because he knows he sent the request to shipping. And in the back of his mind, he s thinking, Darn it! They messed up again. Can t they do anything right? When I get a hold of them, heads are going to roll. He mutters some excuse to Linda and then he gets to the bottom of this. And it s not really a good situation, is it? I mean, consider: Bob is angry, and Linda has every right to be angry. This is not a passive or solution-based situation. So let s scroll back through that and run the scenario again, but with a different set of parameters. Let s take a look at, instead of thinking how incompetent the shipping vendor is, Bob s going to think about how to solve this problem. So let s go back to the beginning. Bob Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 1 Page 3

5 works for a medical supply company and Linda s one of his customers. She doesn t get her package on time. Bob s mad and angry because he knows he sent the request to shipping. But he thinks instead, I m not sure what happened, but Linda needs to get the shipment immediately. So he says to Linda, Hey look, Linda, I don t know why you didn t receive the shipment. I m going to have it shipped overnight as a duplicate order. And we won t charge you for the extra shipping. So Linda is happy that her package will be there tomorrow, but she isn t happy that it s taken so long. Bob calls the shipping department to resolve the matter. So you can see what happened here. In this case, Bob did not direct any anger towards Linda. Linda s not the one at fault. And by Bob changing his thoughts, he s able to react in a more positive way and produce a better outcome. So that s great. In this case, Bob does not direct any anger towards Linda, and she s not at fault. By Bob changing his thoughts, he s able to produce a more positive outcome. By simply taking control of our thoughts, we ve got more choices. [End of recording] Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 1 Page 4

6 MANAGE EMOTIONS IN THE WORKPLACE MODULE TWO ANGER AND WHAT IT MEANS Module number two Anger and What It Means. We re going to examine the emotion that is most destructive in the workplace. That emotion is anger. Anger is one of those ineffective emotions that rears its ugly head from time to time. There are a number of ways that anger can be shown. It can emerge as outbursts, temper tantrums, name calling, gossip you get the idea. What is anger? There have been a lot of ideas and studies about anger over the years. But all the experts seem to agree on a few common truths about anger. The first truth is that thought provides the fuel of anger. So what we think increases or decreases the amount of anger that we feel. Most of the time, it s what we re thinking that is increasing it. So this is the first truth that we want to know. The second truth is: anger doesn t just happen. People don t go from zero to mad enough to spit bullets in 2.3 seconds. It builds up over time. The last truth is that anger is contagious. Anger is like a disease. If you let it, it infects you. When it happens, we've got trouble. And we re going to inoculate you today and give you specific tools so that you can overcome the contagiousness of anger and make sure not to get infected by other people. But just like anything else, you re going to need to touch up on these techniques from time to time in order to make sure they re truly working for you. Anger has a basic equation, and it s self-doubt plus our blame that results in anger and resentment. And that s pretty true self-doubt and blame are two thoughts that trigger anger and resentment. So the equation that we have here is really the core of anger in a nutshell. In order to inoculate yourself against explosive emotions, we need to start understanding our own hot Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 2 Page 1

7 buttons. A hot button is a situation or an environment. These can be things like getting stuck in traffic, or getting lost. It can be noise. It can be crowds. I just want to let you know as we go through these, if any of the others come up for you, just jot them down. The first key to preventing someone from pushing your hot button is not letting them know where it s at. They can t get your goat if they don t know where it s tied up, I ve heard it said. So let s just make sure we protect our hot buttons by first identifying where they are. So this first one, situations and environments, I m going to give you several examples. If any of them ring true for you, just jot down a note to yourself that that s a hot button for me. Be aware of it, and as you go through the process and see it occurring, know that that s a hot button. It s going to set me off. I have to be careful. I have to proceed with caution here. So let me give you a few examples. For me, one of my hot buttons for situation and environment is going to the bank. When I go to the bank, I m prepared. I have my deposit slips, I have written on the back of my checks, I have everything ready, and it s inevitable that the person who gets in front of me has no clue what they re doing. They did not bring their deposit slips, they can t find their card, they don t know where they are, they don t have anything together. And of course, inevitably I m behind them. And it frustrates me. It just makes me so mad. But if you really think about what am I getting mad about, I m getting mad about my own self-doubt. Why did they do this to me? I m getting frustrated and I m blaming them for my anger. They did it. They set me off. The other area that tends to set me off is when I go to the grocery store and the person in front of me has 14 items or more, and it s in a 14 Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 2 Page 2

8 item or less line. Excuse me they have 14 items or more in a 14 item or less line. That just really gets me going. And when you think about it, it s really about self-doubt and blame that makes me mad. I think to myself, Why don t I use the express lane when I check out when my cart is full? Why do I have to follow the rules if they won t? Then I go to the blame game. It s all the casher s fault. They let people get away with this stuff. Can you hear my self-doubt? Can you hear the blame? The second area is people. It could be people who hurt us, who threaten us, who don t do what we expect them to do. And again, these are all tied to the next one, which is: our expectations of ourselves and others what we should be able to do, or what should happen, what other people should do. We end up should-ing all over the place and we have these feelings because things aren t fair. We know how they should be, and we expect them to be that way. This is another hot button. Are you finding any of yours? Another trigger is having a feeling of being insecure that we didn t measure up, that we made a mistake and that we aren t good enough. It could be a feeling of shame or maybe embarrassment. And the next one is envy and paranoia. They re feelings of not getting what we deserve and that someone is getting something better than us, and it s something that maybe even that we deserve. And the most common hot button for most people that sets people off faster than any of the others is not wanting to be responsible and blaming others. We want something to be someone else s fault. These are some of the most common hot buttons. Take a moment and just reflect. Are any of these your hot buttons? Do any of these set you off? Do any of these put you on the path to making you an Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 2 Page 3

9 angry or upset person? And if so, just jot them down. What are they? Just as there are truths about anger, there are also some myths. I m going to address those because assessing the truths can be as helpful to managing your emotions as ignoring the myths. So let s take a look at them. The first one is: I can t help it. X makes me so mad. Well, I know you re not going to want to hear this, but when we blame our anger on someone else, we give them control. And the question that was asked of me many years ago was: how much longer are you going to let them control your life? How much longer are you going to give them that much power? And when they told me that, it really woke me up because I had been giving a lot of other people power in my life and it was time I took it back. So by understanding this myth, it gives you permission to take back control of your life. It gives you permission to take back your own reins. The next myth is that the person who explodes is angrier than the person who withdraws. This is simply not true. Those are two different ways to handling anger and the person who withdraws could actually be much more upset. They re just not showing it. And they could be just as angry. Myth number three is: anger gets you what you want. In the short term, this might be true. But really consider, have you ever been upset with someone or angry with someone and it ruined the relationship? Did it really get you what you wanted? Was it really effective? See, I believe anger is a short-term solution for a long-term problem. Anger may in the short term get you what you want, but it certainly creates a longer term problem for you. If you don t address the long-term problem, it ends up being worse off than had you addressed it initially. Now the fourth myth is: Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 2 Page 4

10 how angry I am reflects how much I am right. Well, there are some who thank that the more you believe in what you re saying, the more you re willing to fight for it. But have you ever met someone that was absolutely dead wrong and was willing to fight to the death about it? See, it doesn t matter how right or wrong you are. Getting angry doesn t solve the issue. Now the fifth myth is: they don t pay attention if I don t make a big deal out of it. This might be true, but think of the boy who cried wolf. He made a big deal out of it. They paid attention to him, but did he really get what he wanted? Did he really get the respect and attention long-term? Again, short-term actions aren t producing great long-term results here. Myth number six is: it s their fault they should know better. This comes back to obviously being controlled by others, and not taking responsibility for our own actions. Yes, they have responsibility for their actions, but we have responsibility for ours as well. And when we take that control, we stop giving other people the right to manipulate us, to control us, and to push us over the edge. It s our choice not theirs. And the last myth is: if I suppress my anger and control it, I ll have the upper hand. I thought this for years as well. I can just control it. I m just going to push it down. And what ends up happening is you end up becoming resentful. And you end up making yourself sick. In the book The Anatomy of a Spirit, Miss Carolyn Myss says that she can actually, based on the ailments that you have in your body, she can determine what your thoughts were that created those ailments. This is a pretty interesting area of medicine. And she s looked into this for many, many years, and I don t know if it s true or not. But what I do know is: what if it is true? What if your thoughts really can Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 2 Page 5

11 produce sickness? So we need to manage our thoughts. We need to find ways to manage our anger versus controlling it. Perhaps the biggest myth of them all is: venting makes me feel better. Letting it out is good. And that is a huge, huge, big whopper of a myth. See, venting is anger practice. It forms a habit. We all know how hard habits are to break. So why start with them to begin with? So we ve looked at anger and we ve looked at its truths and its myths. And we ve boiled it down to its roots. And you re going to hear me keep saying that anger is actually natural. It s part of who we are. And because suppressing anger is not a great solution nor is ignoring it what we need to do is learn how to manage it. Before we need to manage it, let s decide whether the anger is a problem or not. See, anger is a problem when it s frequent. Think about it. Is there anger or hostility in your work day every day? Is it intense? If the level of anger someone has doesn t seem to match the cause of it, you may have an issue there. That may need to get looked at. Anger is a problem also when it lasts a long time. Remember the meeting you had a month ago with your team and you forgot to bring your agenda, and your supervisor is still holding that over your head? There s also a problem when it s aggressive, cruel, destructive, or hostile. Are you afraid to go to work, either physically or mentally? Do team members talk down or bad mouth each other? Again, this may be an issue. See, anger could be a problem when it places control over solutions - when decisions are made in the sense of I won, you lost. Anger could be a problem when it places control over solutions, when decisions are made in a sense of I won, you lost, or if some resolution is so ridiculous in your office, but they re in effect because someone Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 2 Page 6

12 threw a tantrum or had an outburst. Lastly, anger is a problem when it interferes. Are you stressed every day? Are you more forgetful? Are you not effectively doing your job? So if you ve answered yes to any of these, anger could be a problem in your workplace. The tips here are not designed to handle an entire environment full of anger. Your team or company may need additional training, or may need an entire shift in culture. And many companies have an EAP program. They offer help for these type of situations. And I m hoping that nobody here on this line is experiencing all these characteristics at work, but if you are, make sure to reach out to your HR professional and see what help is available. Now when somebody communicates, either with themselves or with a colleague or with someone else, we communicate in three different ways. So let s briefly look at how we communicate and how we relate as well as how we can see anger through each of those threads. The first type of communication is verbal. Verbal means what words we say. So today s topic focused on anger. If you would hear someone angry, they might say something like, Nobody treats me like that. I m not taking this lying down. Who do you think you are? This would be clues and indicators that this person is angry. The second type of communication is paraverbal. Paraverbal is not the words we say; rather it s how we say the words. So take this sentence, I m not angry. It could be said I m not angry. I M not angry. I M NOT ANGRY! All of these sentences convey different emotional response despite the words being said. Let s listen to a scenario that plays out dozens of times in an organization. You know how it goes. You pass a colleague in the hallway and say, Hey, how are you? And your colleague Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 2 Page 7

13 response, I m fine. Simple, right? So you can think of the last time that you heard that answer from a colleague. But you didn t believe that person. See, that s paraverbal communication. What s important to remember about paraverbal communication is that when you say something, the receiver of that message is more likely to trust what your paraverbal message is over your actual words. This means that how you say something is even more important than what you say. Let me take a little side note here on paraverbal communication. In our age of technology, businesses run differently than they did ten years ago. Companies communicate with different offices in different cities and countries. Recently I worked with people that I ve never seen and have never met face to face. We have to remember when we do that, that because of the way we re communicating - through , instant messages, text, and through telephone - our paraverbal communication is not always there. Because it s not there, people sometimes only have the words we use. And we have to be careful to avoid things like sarcasm because it can quickly and easily cause miscommunication. And often, unnecessary time and energy is used to resolve the situations because of these poor communication skills. The last form of communication that we want to talk about is body language. This communication this is the physical communication of personal feelings, emotions, attitudes, and thoughts. Your body movement such as your gestures or facial expressions these are everything from smiling to frowning, crossing your arms, rolling your eyes, standing with your hands behind your back, pointing at someone when you talk, biting your lip these are all types of body language. And these are indicators of Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 2 Page 8

14 anger and should be noted by the recipient to be aware. Now some of the gestures, such as standing with your arms behind your back, are inviting gestures while others are folding your arms across your chest can be closed and defensive gestures. So as we already discussed, paraverbal communication doesn t exist in written messages. Body language doesn t exist in written messages or audio communication. Take for example a teleconference. Right now, if you re on a teleconference, or even if you re on a webinar, you can't see the face I m making. You can t see the way I m sitting, you can t see the way I look, you can t read any of that body language. All you have to go by to determine my emotional state are the words I m saying and the tone of my voice. So for those of you who work on virtual teams, you want to keep this in mind. I ve seen good teams struggle because of teleconference meetings where the members in the main location on the east coast seem bothered that they have to use a teleconference with members of the west coast. It was simply the way that they were inflecting their voices. It was causing a lot of irritation to the folks on the west coast. So after a lot of debate and a lot of aggression and heated discussions, the management team took a look at it, and what was happening was the folks on the east coast were having to stay later than their usual hours. So they were run down. They were a little frustrated and they were a little worn out, whereas the folks on the west coast were only halfway through their day. They were still peppy and full of energy. What they quickly realized is if they moved the time up earlier in the day, everybody would be in a better mood, and the calls became much more productive. So the point here is that paraverbal Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 2 Page 9

15 information was interfering with the verbal. So we want to keep these types of communication in mind. Knowing these and being able to read them can help you identify a potentially explosive situation well before it detonates. When we re the one sending the message, being aware of our verbal communication, your paraverbal and your body language also allows you to make sure you re communicating the proper emotions and message to your receiver. [End of recording.] Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 2 Page 10

16 MANAGE EMOTIONS IN THE WORKPLACE MODULE THREE MANAGING EMOTIONAL BALANCE & STAYING IN CONTROL Module number three Managing Emotional Balance and Staying in Control. Since ignoring emotions does not create an overall effective result, we must learn to manage our emotions. This starts with recognizing the warning signs. Remember, anger doesn t just happen. Sometimes when you feel like that, there are symptoms we can recognize in ourselves that anger is building up. And they include things like shortness of breath, tight chest, throbbing temples, rising heart rate, increased blood pressure, knotted stomach, adrenaline rush, a weakness in the knees, sweating, clenched jaw, pounding chest. When we start to recognize these symptoms, we can take control and start to manage them. We can stop a potentially emotionally charged situation before it ever starts. In order to do that, we re going to need to be able to control the physical symptoms. You can get out of the situation, you can do conscious breathing or conscious relaxation, you could unclench and stretch, and you can lower your voice. These are all things that you can do to take back control when you find yourself going out of control. We re going to do our part, getting way back to the key principles of changing our thoughts. We re replacing your angry thoughts with another thought. So I d like to try it right now as a quick relaxation exercise that you can use to alleviate some of the symptoms you might have. Now you know I m on the line, and I can t see you. This might seem silly, but you want to do this anyway. Trust me no one else is watching. You ll thank me later. Think of this as a sneak preview to a movie or a free sample for a new brownie at the grocery store, or even like a beta version to the newest latest greatest project management software. If Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 3 Page 1

17 you re having a good day and you re relaxed, I m going to ask you to tense up for me right now. Put your shoulders to your ears, tense your body, hold it, hold it, hold it okay, let go. Now let s start with the exercise. I m going to ask you to go ahead and close your eyes. And trust me, I ll know if you don t. And I want you just to slowly take a breath in as I count to ten. I want you to breathe so deeply that your chest and your abdomen move in and out. So take a breath in and count to ten. Now very slowly, breathe out as I count to ten again. Feel yourself relaxing. This time as you breathe in, I want you to relax your eye muscles. Can you feel your eye muscles relaxing? Slowly unclench your jaw. Feel all the muscles in your face starting to relax. Start to relax your shoulders. Feel the tension going away. Your arms are getting heavy. Let your hands relax. Now your chest and abdomen. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Go ahead and open your eyes. How do you feel? Are you a little bit more relaxed? A little less tense? A little less edgy? Being able to control your breath is one of the key ways to be able to release and let go of any negativity or anger and to certainly to change your mood. This was just a sample I gave here with you, and with each breath you slowly work on relaxing your muscles. Start with your head and work all the way down to your toes. Generally the recommended time frame for this type of relaxation exercise is about ten minutes. Now I understand you may not be patient enough for that to start, so you might want to start at two minutes, and each week add a minute and slowly work your way up to ten minutes. And I mean it. You want to book ten minutes of this into your day. This will help you to become more relaxed. It will help you to be more in control. So if Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 3 Page 2

18 you have an hour for lunch, take 15 minutes instead. Schedule a half-hour to review agendas for weekly meetings? Schedule 20 minutes instead. I know you re busy and I m not trying to downplay it at all. But this is so important, not only to your relationships, not only to your career, but it s important to your health and having a healthy environment. I read a study recently that shows that despite our gains in medicine and nutrition, the average American working in a corporate environment is not as healthy as his or her counterpart from 30 years ago. And much of this is attributed to mental health. So even if you can t get a full ten minutes, work in as much as you can because the benefits are going to be worth it. And if you choose not to schedule this time, what you want to do is at least keep your mind free so you can do something to reduce and let go of that fear and that concern. Now once you get good at this, you may get bored with it. There s plenty of variations. For example, some people when they breathe in and breathe out, they say, Relax, in their mind. Or they actually say it in a whisper when they exhale. If you need more suggestions, try this website: meditationcenter.com. It s a free website and you can go there to get several relaxation techniques. Many of them will work great in an office setting as well. Conscious relaxation works on many levels. We said it works physiologically. It slows down your heart, it relaxes your muscles, it helps you feel better. But it also works psychologically as well. It slows down your thoughts and reactions. It reduces your anxiety and puts you in a position to break free of your anger, and puts you back in control. [End of recording.] Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 3 Page 3

19 MANAGE EMOTIONS IN THE WORKPLACE MODULE FOUR CHANGING THE WAY YOU THINK Module number four Changing the Way You Think. A key to controlling your emotions is changing the way you think. Remember, thoughts create feelings that create behaviors. In order to change a feeling, we have to first change the thought. Despite the complexities of our brain, it s nearly impossible to think about two things at once especially when you focus on one of two thoughts. Conscious breathing makes you focus on the breathing on relaxing your muscles. It draws attention away from the hot buttons that someone just pushed. And remember, because our thoughts affect the way we feel, when we start to change these thoughts we automatically change the way we feel. There s a number of ways to change your thoughts. Obviously the first one here that we ve been talking about is to think of something else. I really don t mean anything fancy here. I mean whatever your hot button is, think of something different. How about where you re going to spend your vacation? How about what do you want to have for lunch today? What about how did your favorite sports team do last night? See, it really doesn t matter what you think about. You just need to think about something different than the hot button. And hot buttons are fueled for angry thoughts. I m not sure how I sound today. I probably sound pretty mellow. But there are times when I get so fired up that I can t think of anything to calm me down. My family doesn t work, thinking about friends, thinking about making lots of money, the lottery, vacations, white sandy beaches with crystal clear water none of it works. And when I try my best, but I can t conjure up any relaxing images, I fall back on the second concept. That s to use the word stop. Every Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 4 Page 1

20 time I find myself with a thought that s blocking me from coping or from being able to control my anger, I say stop. And if I m by myself or in my office or cube, I actually say it out loud. If I m around other people, I say it quietly or just repeat the process in my thoughts. So if I have an angry thought, I say stop. It usually goes away. If it comes back, I say stop again. Eventually it fades until it finally goes away. You can also try to divert your attention with something that requires concentration, such as work. You can also try something that relaxes you, such as music. Again, what we re trying to do here is we re trying to change our thoughts. Easy, right? Well sometimes this one is a lot easier said than it s done. But we re getting there. And we re teaching you some of those techniques that over time as you practice it, this becomes a habit. And new habits create new thoughts, create new emotions, create new behaviors. One inch over time creates the mile of difference that we re looking to experience. So take for example the next time you get a particularly annoying , instead of getting mad, instead of getting frustrated, how about consciously relax, stop, and just listen to some music? Divert your attention. Don t focus on the . Focus on something else. But what do you do if someone is right there in front of you? What do you do if they re right there in your face? Let s say for example you re having a conversation with someone and it starts to get heated. Then that person says the most ridiculous thing you ve ever heard. I mean you can t just walk away and go listen to some music. That s probably not very practical. In those cases, you need something special something that s fast-acting and something you can do without adding fuel to the fire. So let me tell you what I m Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 4 Page 2

21 going to recommend and that s simply: count to ten. And I know you ve heard this before your childhood teacher was right. If you re listening to someone and getting upset, pause mentally. In the back of your mind, distract yourself by counting to ten. Now don t do it out loud. They shouldn t see your lips moving. And when all else fails, if you can t do that, say something like, You know what? I m going to need a little bit of time. Take a walk. Get a drink of water. Count to ten while you re away. Calm yourself down. Have you ever been in a situation where you didn t take that time, and the situation escalated? You may have said some things that you didn t mean. You may have even burnt a bridge you didn t want to burn. See, it s very easy to do that when we get into heated arguments, when we get into discussions. We get pushed over the edge, and before we know it we re saying things that we really don t want to be saying. We re burning some bridges that it s going to take us maybe days, maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe even years to repair. And some of those bridges may never get repaired. So take the time to count to ten. Those are two of the three techniques for calming down in the heat of the battle. The first is a time out walk away, remove yourself. The second is counting to ten. And the final tip to avoid practicing aggression, people used to be told to get it out of their system. Let it all out. Sometimes they were encouraged to express their anger aggressively. But think about it. Does the philosophy make sense? I mean let s use a smoker, for example. Would you tell a smoker who s trying to quit and having a craving for a cigarette, Well just go get it out of your system and have a cigarette. It will be okay. Of course not. All that s doing is reinforcing that behavior. What I m Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 4 Page 3

22 saying is it s just not common sense. The science backs it up as well. Studies now indicate that practiced aggression does not dissipate anger. Aggressive behavior reinforces and acts as practice for real aggression. So in other words, if we act aggressively, we become more aggressive. We re going to change focus here just a little bit. Up to this point, we ve talked about how to prevent yourself from losing your cool. But even with all of the techniques we ve discussed, we re still human. It may happen. There may be times when one of us one of our hot buttons gets pushed and we fly off the handle. It can and most likely will happen. But if you ever do explode, what you don t want to do is be passive and let the pieces fall where they may. Let me say that again: If you do explode, don t be passive and let the pieces fall where they may. The damage could certainly be permanent. You want to be active, take action, and you could earn back some of the credibility of those broken relationships. By doing this, you ll be able to change the way you think over the next weeks, months, and years. [End of recording.] Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 4 Page 4

23 MANAGE EMOTIONS IN THE WORKPLACE MODULE FIVE HANDLING EMOTIONALLY CHARGED SITUATIONS Let s go back to Bob. He s fuming over the shipment not being mailed to his client. He calls the shipping manager to complain and the manager assures him that all the orders are double-checked and that Bob must have made a mistake. Well, Bob certainly doesn t want to hear that. He raises his voice and lets the manager know that he shouldn t tell him how to do his job, and it s not his fault. You hired an incompetent employee. Get it fixed or I ll talk to your boss myself. He slams the phone down without even waiting for a response. How did Bob handle that situation on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being horrible, 10 being awesome? I think we might agree it s probably closer to the 1 than he was to the 10. Did he handle it as well as he could have? Well, with a few extra skills, Bob might be able to handle that conversation just a little bit better next time. I mean he really flew off the handle here, and he certainly did not build any relationships with that shipping vendor. So let s give Bob some tools to be able to handle that conversation just a little bit better next time. The first step we re going to teach Bob, and we re going to teach you as well, is you ve got to admit your mistake. Acknowledge that the action was not productive. The second step is to address the problem. This means you re going to want to ask questions in order to obtain information to solve the real issue not the emotional issue. And number three, you re going to disassociate from criticism. You re going to use a SMART action plan to solve the problem. A SMART action plan is the type of plan where it s an acronym. Your action plan should be Specific, Measurable, it should be Achievable, Rewarding, Time-specific, and monitored. It s monitored with those Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 5 Page 1

24 that are involved and communicated, too. Step four is going back to ask: what did you learn from this situation? And step number five: you can let go and just forgive yourself. Let s see what happens when we teach Bob these five steps? Well, after Bob has his little outburst, let me share with you the rest of the story. Bob went off and he thought about things. He realized that his tantrum didn t solve the issue. If anything it damaged the relationship with the vendor. So Bob went for a walk. He calmed down. He decided to resolve things, so he came up with a plan and called the shipping manager back. Now of course the shipping manager wasn t really excited to hear back from Bob. But Bob he started with step one: He apologized for his outburst. Then he moved to step number two. He explained that the orders to his clients have not been going out on time or correctly, and the manager acknowledged that this was true. So Bob asked why the manager thought this was happening. The manager didn t really have any explanation, so Bob and the manager pulled a copy of Bob s order form and the general information that Bob provided was on the first page. But when Bob referred to page two, the manager said there was no page two. Through discussion, they determined that the online order form was being cut off after the first page. Their orders were being cut short. So step number three: Bob then ignored the manager s criticism that Bob s department was the one that created the form, and that he s to be blamed for not catching the error. Together they worked out a SMART action plan so it addressed how and when the form would be reformatted, so that the entire form would go through to shipping. Bob called his customer back and explained the situation. She wasn t entirely happy that it Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 5 Page 2

25 happened, but she was glad that she would be getting her lost order and others would be correct going forward. She was happy that this was going to be an overnight order. Step number four, Bob realized that mistakes happen. And for about two weeks after the change, he copied himself on all the orders just to make sure the order form wasn t being cut off. In step five, the shipping manager was short with Bob for a while, but Bob let the issue go, and soon the manager did, too. And soon the business relationship resumed as normal. We can see that by following this step-by-step guide we can do or best to salvage the situation when we have an outburst. But what can you do when it s not your outburst it s somebody else s? Well how can we deal with conflict when it s staring us clearly in the face? How do we resolve issues so that anger does not become a recurring issue in our office? Angry people have many different tactics they use to draw us into their world of anger. By understanding these tactics, you can quickly identify them and inoculate yourself to their lure. The first of this is to know the faces of anger. This is aggressive, passive, and passiveaggressive. We often consider exploding anger as the scariest or the hardest face to deal with. However, concealed anger is much more difficult to recognize because people mask it. Regardless of all three of these behaviors, all of them are win-lose or lose-lose approaches to anger. We re going to review them. As we go through them, I want you to think about the behaviors in each type and how it s demonstrated. And just jot down next to them any time that you may use this style. We need to first become conscious of what we are doing in order to be able to change it. Now of course we also want to recognize when others are Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 5 Page 3

26 using it as well. So keep your eyes open and ears open for that as well. The first is aggression. It s the hot face of anger, right there in the open. Passive and passive-aggression are cold, hidden faces of anger. When we look at aggressive people, they re the ones that blow up, and then the situation blows over. Aggressive behavior is blaming, it s attacking, it s criticizing, and people can act aggressive when they feel criticized or put down, shamed. It s used as a tool for them to get what they want. Now some people are addicted to anger. Aggressive people use anger as power and control. They use it to intimidate. They may have the intent to harm. So aggressive behavior is based on the feeling that you must be strong, in control, must not compromise. Winning is everything. I have to stay on my guard, and people are trying to take things that are mine, they might think. And it stops people from really having to deal with the true issues at hand. So we re going to go back to my friend Bob. He s in the office and he s got a problem. One of his colleagues listens to music in their cube way too loud. Bob s upset because he s under pressure to get a deadline completed. But he can't focus because in the cube next door, it sounds like there s a block party going on. So Bob yells over his cube, Turn that down! Are you deaf or just dumb? This is a business! The music instantly turns off. So what s the outcome of this exchange? Well Bob got his needs met, but it was certainly at the expense of his colleague. Now, let s look at the next face of anger, and that s passive. Passive people repress or internalize anger. They withdraw to avoid any conflict. These people often fear loss of control or rejection. They hide any disagreement, and the result is they don t get their Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 5 Page 4

27 needs met. And they can actually get sick from it. People who fear anger often hide from it. They avoid dealing with things. They withdraw or act helpless. Sometimes they project their anger on to others. And they may direct their anger toward themselves as well. So what would happen here if Bob went passive on that noisy neighbor? Now remember that he s upset because he has some important deadlines and can t focus with the block party in the next cube. Bob doesn t say anything. He just pouts in his cube, figuring out what could he do? If he can't tune out the noise and focus on his own, he decides that he deserves whatever reprimand the supervisor gives him. What s the outcome of this exchange? Well it s that Bob doesn t get his needs met. He accommodates his colleague at his own expense. The colleague doesn t even have any idea that Bob is upset. And the third face we re going to want to look at is the passive aggressive. Now passive aggressive behavior is expressing anger indirectly through sarcasm, rumors, people who ask innocent questions. They ll suddenly be late, they ll accidently lose or forget something. They use paraverbal communication, or body language to act angry. But they don t deny their anger. Passive aggressive behavior can be very sneaky. People can be very, very, very angry, but act like they re not at all. And these people don t admit that they re angry, but enjoy making others pay. They often say yes when they mean no. And people kind of figure it out because the anger leaks out through other means. So if we go back to Bob, if Bob is stressing over his tight deadlines and he s turned a new leaf, the next time the music is bumped in his neighbor s cube, Bob doesn t say anything. People can tell something s bothering him, but he Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 5 Page 5

28 certainly denies it. He just says, Well, I didn t sleep well. But he obsesses over the music all day. The next day he brings in a CD called American Idol Worst Editions Ever, and he plays it all morning at a ridiculous decibel level. So by lunchtime, the entire department is mumbling. So what is the outcome here? Well Bob still isn t getting his needs met and he s going to do his darndest to make sure nobody else is, either. Let s recap. What are the outcomes for expressing anger in these ways? If you re aggressive, you get your own needs met, but it s at the expense of others. If you re passive, you accommodate others at your own expense. And passive aggressive, well no one gets their needs met. You don t get your needs met, and the other person certainly doesn t get their needs met. The point here is that when we look at these approaches, we see that they all have one thing in common, and that s the inability to perceive things honestly, clearly, and objectively. It doesn t matter how we express it whether it s a hot-head or withdrawn and cold. Our thinking becomes irrational. It becomes distorted. Until we can gain control of our thoughts, it s going to be very difficult to have any positive outcomes. Another tactic that angry people use is distorted thinking. They come in the form of filters, which they only focus on things that build their case. Then we have polarity. These are perceptions that get farther and farther apart. It becomes an all or nothing. Shoulds those become inflexible rules, absolute rules about behavior. You need to be right. Should I have done this? Should you have done that? Then we have personalizing. That s how people should act, and what I think, that must be true. Then we ve got exaggerating. That s when you magnify the intensity or degree Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 5 Page 6

29 of the problem. Then we have labeling where you generalize. You place everything into a category. And lastly is mind reading. When you think you know exactly what people are thinking and especially what people are thinking about you. And when people start thinking with distorted thinking, they use these to build their case and then they try to lure you in to their thinking. Now when you re in a confrontation with an angry person, you have to remember it doesn t matter if it s passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive. You don t want to feed in to his or her distorted thinking. They re not thinking clearly and they will try to suck you in, too. You don t want that to happen. You have to maintain control. You have to do that by counting to ten, by saying stop, by backing yourself out of the situation. You want to have a clear success plan in what to do when you encounter these situations. So for a moment, let s go ahead and look back at these faces of anger that we ve discussed, and I want you to think for a moment do you fit into any of these categories? Perhaps it depends on the audience that you re speaking to. Maybe you re passive with your boss, but aggressive with your coworkers, or maybe you really don t fit into a model at all because there s actually a fourth approach, and one that differs from all three. Passive we re all born either passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive. That s in our nature. But what the fourth model is is actually learned. And for us to be effective in handling our emotions, we need to learn this fourth model and it s called assertive. This approach can be described as expressive, respecting, confident, open, and productive. Now assertive people express anger when it s important and when it s worth it. They re able to say what they want and Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 5 Page 7