A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale

Transcription

1 THIS IS NOT A FREE SCRIPT! This script sample is provided for personal reading and evaluation purposes only. Before you give any public reading or performance of this play, you must purchase a licensed copy of the script from The purchase price includes the rights to photocopy the script and perform the play. Why Should I Pay You? I (George Halitzka) am a freelance writer and theatre artist that s how I pay the rent. I depend on earning an income from my creative work. Besides, the law requires that you must have the author s permission to use his/ her writings. (Trust me I m far too nice of a guy to rip off.) When Do I Owe You Money? If you read over this script and it doesn t fit your needs, you owe me nothing! However, if you choose to perform it, whether or not admission is charged, then you owe me a few bucks. What Does the Purchase Price Get Me? In short, you get the rights to perform the script as many times as you would like within the context of one school, church, or nonprofit organization. You may also make as many photocopies as necessary for production purposes (e.g., to distribute to your actors). The fine print follows. BY PURCHASING THIS SCRIPT, YOU AGREE TO BE BOUND BY THE FOLLOWING TERMS. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THESE TERMS, CONTACT THE AUTHOR WITHIN 24 HOURS OF YOUR PURCHASE AT GEORGE@DRAMABYGEORGE.COM TO REQUEST A REFUND OF THE PURCHASE PRICE, AND DESTROY ALL COPIES OF THE SCRIPT IN YOUR POSSESION. EXCEPT AS PROVIDED UNDER THE PRECEDING, ALL SALES ARE FINAL NO REFUNDS OR EXCHANGES. As the original purchaser of this script, you are granted a non-exclusive license to use it in the context of one local nonprofit organization, church, or educational institution, for the purpose of live amateur performance only. There is no limit on the number of performances you may give; however, this license is nontransferable. Please do not share copies of the script with anyone outside of your organization. Copying or transmitting the script, in paper or electronic form, is permitted only for production purposes (e.g., you can give copies to actors, directors, and technicians involved in the production). You re welcome to make one video or audio recording of your live performance(s) for archival/ critique purposes. Excepting that single recording, it is unlawful to record, duplicate, or transmit your live performance in any form or by any means, including via the internet. These license terms explicitly do not apply to professional performances (with paid actors) or touring groups (which perform in more than one venue), who must contact the author at george@dramabygeorge.com for information on royalties due. Script copyright 2011 by George Halitzka. All rights reserved. How Do I Send the Money? Visit to pay securely with a major credit card. If you have any questions or prefer to pay by check, please see the fine print below or contact the author at george@dramabygeorge.com. Thanks for your interest in scripts by George Halitzka! To purchase this script, visit where you may pay securely with a major credit card using Paypal. You will be able to download a PDF script (which you may photocopy for production purposes) immediately after payment. If you prefer to pay by check, mail your payment (in the form of a check or money order denominated in United States dollars, drawn on a U.S. bank) to George Halitzka, 1236 Lexington Road # 102, Louisville, KY Your script will be sent via after we receive your check. Please contact the playwright at george@dramabygeorge.com with any questions, or if you need to pay using an international cheque. (There is a surcharge for cheques drawn on non-u.s. banks.) Performance rights are not granted until we acknowledge receipt of your payment.

2 A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale By George Halitzka A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 2

3 Cast of Characters GRIMM, a hard-nosed businesswoman who co-owns the town of Taleville GRIMM, Heidi s less hard-nosed sister who co-owns the town with her, a tough, no-nonsense princess WITCH, who s tired of getting baked golden-brown in her own oven GRETEL, the famous gingerbread nibbler HANSEL, her brother, who s always thinking about his stomach DWARF, one of seven little men who are tired of sharing a cottage with Snowy PRINCESS, who doesn t want to kiss a guy with fly breath FROG PRINCE, an amphibious member of the royal family, a crooked businesswoman with a secret ASSISTANT to Ellie FAIRY GODMOTHER, who s determined to teach her goddaughters a lesson Setting Once upon a time in Taleville, home of the Fairy Tales. A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 3

4 A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale ( rushes in, carrying a file folder. is sitting blearyeyed at a messy desk with a bandage on her head.) Liesel? Liesel, you need to see this. (grimacing) Not so loud. My head still hurts... It s important Next time the Giant s in a bad mood, you get to calm him down. I m tired of doing your dirty work. Fine, but you need to look I never liked running this place for a profit anyway. You re starting to act like our other sister. (offended) If it were up to you, we d all sing Kumbayah and go out of business in a week. I m just saying, treat people like people... They re not people, they re Fairy Tales. Read the contract. ( shoves a contract in S face. skims it.) Has Snow White seen this? A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 4

5 ( nods smugly.) (cont d) And you think she ll sign? The rest of them listen to her. She doesn t have a choice. The Grimm Brothers would be ashamed of you. Not giving the Fairy Tales new stories in two hundred years... The tourists don t go for new stuff. What about us? We have new That s different. ( looks at her dubiously.) Either they sign the contract or get fired. Well, there s one other possibility... (it takes her a moment to figure out what means, then she laughs aloud) They d never do it not in a million years. (glancing offstage, then tapping on the shoulder) Okay, but you should probably see this... (waving away she finds the whole idea hilarious) I can t even picture Fairy Tales on strike. Can you see Hansel and Gretel with picket signs? The Frog Prince marching for justice? There s nothing more unlikely than A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 5

6 ( finally turns S head with her hands so that looks offstage.) No... oh, no... Oh, yes. (cont d) (Loud chanting from offstage.) All together! What do we want? New stories! When do we want em? Once upon a time! NO! I told you, it s right now! (weakly) They actually did it? FAIRY TALES FAIRY TALES I think it was when you called them figments of my imagination. (The FAIRY TALES enter, led by. They begin marching around the desk, carrying picket signs.) What do we want? New stories! FAIRY TALES A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 6

7 When do we want em? Right now! FAIRY TALES ( and the FAIRY TALES repeat their chant. SNOW WHITE ends up directly in front of, essentially yelling in her face. rudely pushes her aside and then speaks.) The Grimm Brothers must be spinning in their graves! They would be shocked by your behavior. WITCH Cry me a river! If they knew we were still doing stories they wrote in GRETEL Every day, me and Hansel get lost in the forest. And we re supposed to think bread crumbs will get us home? HANSEL We should drop cake crumbs. Cake... mmm... (GRETEL just rolls her eyes.) WITCH I get baked golden-brown in my own oven! Look at this skin; Botox doesn t help after a century or two. We can work things out; Heidi may have overreacted Too late, you re gonna pay. Have you tried living in a cottage with seven little creatures? Dwarves don t do dishes, or laundry, or deodorant DWARF Have you tried living with a princess? Nothing s good enough for Snowy. Don t call me Snowy! A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 7

8 DWARF Me and the dwarves are done! You re dead to me. PRINCESS As for me, I m done with that... creature! He may look like a prince after the kiss, but his breath FROG PRINCE It s not my fault. You know how many years I ve had to live on flies? PRINCESS You can take the frog out of the pond, but... (All of the FAIRY TALES begin arguing in a free-for-all. finally blows a whistle for silence.) You ingrates! Liesel and I slave all day to bring tourists to Taleville, and this is how you thank us? GRETEL Ever think more tourists might come for new stories? According to the market research WITCH (covering her ears and humming) We can t hear you... (to ) And you thought we could negotiate with these creatures. Keep talkin we ll head for the front gate with our picket signs! Liesel, call security. We ll see how long you last without paychecks! (sotto voce) Heidi, the publicity... A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 8

9 I have a plan. (to the FAIRY TALES) Get out and don t come back till you ve learned some manners! On to the front gates! They ll know we mean business when nobody buys tickets to Taleville! What do we want? (The FAIRY TALES cheer.) New stories! When do we want em? Right now! FAIRY TALES FAIRY TALES ( leads the chanting FAIRY TALES offstage.) (getting dangerously close to an anxiety attack) Terrific. Now our characters are angry, and children everywhere will hate us, and without Hansel to eat the gingerbread house, I ll ruin my diet People love the old stories. Do you know what rewrites would do to my stock options? Heidi I told you, I have a plan. I know just the person to scare those Fairy Tales back to work. Who could possibly... ( nods.) A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 9

10 No. No way. What choice do we have? (cont d) Anybody but her... do you remember that time at the prince s castle? I m sure she s much more mature now. Besides, I already called her. She s flying in tomorrow morning. Don t worry, you won t regret this. Probably. ( puts her head in her hands.) ( glares.) (Transition music. As the next scene opens, we are at the entrance to Taleville. The FAIRY TALES are carrying their picket signs and marching in a circle. and enter with, who is carrying a briefcase. The FAIRY TALES immediately surround, waving their signs. She throws up her hands, alarmed at the riffraff. and manage to escort her out of the crowd.) (oozing sarcasm) I never knew your little town was so charming, or the peasants so friendly... Why haven t you invited me to visit before? (under her breath) Because you re a low-life, double-crossing, good-for-nothing crook? What was that, Sister Dearest? A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 10

11 Just threaten our staff, then climb back on your precious Learjet. We don t want you here either. How do you live in this backwards place? (sweetly) Usually, you re not here. I m so glad I m adopted. (clapping her hands for attention) Ladies and gentlemen... and the rest of you... the time has come to make a sad announcement. Our beloved sister ( has a coughing fit. glares at her.) Our beloved sister, Ellie Grimm, has flown in with the details. Thank you, Heidi. I have sad news: Effective tomorrow, Taleville will close forever. Construction will begin immediately on my new condominium complex. It will be called Grimm Forest, in honor of our founders Is she serious? (to ) GRETEL Afraid so, Gretel. Since you went on strike, we can t afford to stay in business. Naturally, the entire project will be developed by Ellie Grimm Real Estate. At least somebody in the family knows how to turn a profit. HANSEL (approaching threateningly) You think you re selling my gingerbread house to some loud-mouthed tourist? A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 11

12 Heavens, no! HANSEL (thinking he s scored a victory) That s what I thought. I m tearing down that poor excuse for a shack and building my luxury condos atop the rubble. But it s my house! HANSEL (patting HANSEL on the head) It s so cute when they re naïve, isn t it? I m afraid the entire town belongs to Heidi and Liesel. GRETEL (to ) And you re selling out? What ll happen to us? For those who are qualified, Grimm Forest may need a few employees. Like characters to entertain people? GRETEL Like cleaning ladies. For the rest of you, there s the Black Forest Insane Asylum... (to and ) You low-down skunks wouldn t dare sell the town. Watch me. You re bluffing. A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 12

13 GRETEL (nervously pulling aside) Snowy... If that Ellie person takes over, we ll end up in the nuthouse. (to ) All right, what do you want? Well, there is one thing... but Snowy won t like it. Try me. (eyes narrowed) If you drop your demand for new stories and take a 15% pay cut, our charming sister will disappear. That s blackmail. Is that what they call it now? Fairy Tales huddle! (The FAIRY TALES huddle and whisper to each other.) All right, you weasels. Make it a 10% cut, and we have a deal. I knew you could be reasonable. Welcome back to work, everyone. (A bit grudgingly, the FAIRY TALES set down their picket signs and begin shuffling offstage.) (to and ) Oh, girls, it is cute when you re naïve! You think it s that simple? It better be... (through clenched teeth) A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 13

14 After seeing your charming forest, I can t just leave! Never mind your silly labor dispute; I ll build my condos anyway! The climate is lovely, the land is cheap We paid you to threaten our staff, not take over! But Taleville is such a steal! We re not selling! (handing a lengthy legal document to ) Oh, dear... have you seen this paper? (scanning the document) Notice of Property Taxes Due... Read line 92. If full balance due is not paid by date above, property may be sold without consent of... We paid our taxes! This is terribly sad... but I m afraid you were two days late last year. (brandishing a deed) Which means Taleville is now the property of Ellie Grimm Real Estate! It s a mistake. I have the deed, don t I? ( hands the deed to, who reads it quickly. S face grows longer and longer.) A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 14

15 (cont d) Now, I hate to be the villain in the story, so I ll give you 48 hours to move. But on Friday... leave room in the parking lot for my bulldozer, won t you? Ellie, be reasonable... I ll be at my hotel. See you Friday, everyone! ( exits, waving gaily.) WITCH Ooh, this makes my broom bristle. Of all the sneaky, underhanded tricks... That woman is unbelievable. WITCH I mean you! Bringing in your double-crossing sister It s not my fault she s a crook! Takes one to know one! GRETEL I ve had it with you ungrateful creatures! The feeling s mutual, you slimy, conniving STOP all of you! Fighting is exactly what she wants; we need a plan to save Taleville. Heidi, say you re sorry. ( and the FAIRY TALES shrug reluctantly.) Only if they say it first. A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 15

16 ( glares.) (cont d) Fine. I m sorry I called you ungrateful little creatures. And? (reluctantly) I m sorry I brought our sister to town. Now, how are we going to save Taleville? Can t we just pay the taxes? It s too late. GRETEL Maybe if we approach her calmly and rationally... Do you have a better idea? ( laughs out loud.) ( just shrugs. Silence.) Isn t anybody going to ask me? I wouldn t ask you if you were the last Fairy Tale in This better be good. ( punches S arm. sighs heavily, then speaks through clenched teeth.) Do you remember our contract negotiations in 07? A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 16

17 (eyes narrowing suspiciously) The year you chiseled us out of a huge raise? Because we had outside help. Maybe if I call our negotiator... No. No way. You promised never to bring her here again, in writing. Everybody would find out the secret Then you re giving up? Going out of business without a fight? Of course not; we ll think of a new plan And how s that first plan working out for you? ( glares.) You called in your secret weapon. Now it s time for mine. Promise you ll keep your weapon under control. I promise nothing. (Silence. looks at, who just shrugs in return.) Make the call. (through clenched teeth) ( takes out a cell phone and begins punching numbers.) A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 17

18 Don t worry, you won t regret this. ( and just glare.) Probably. (Transition music. The next morning. As the next scene begins, we re still near the gates to Taleville. enters, trailed by a note-taking ASSISTANT.)... So get the bulldozers here at 7:00 sharp. Don t forget the extra security, the peasants may revolt. ASSISTANT Should we give the guards magic wands? (nodding) They may need to turn some people into toads. Now, as for those sad little cottages where the Fairy Tales live... ( and stroll casually onto the stage. and the other FAIRY TALES watch from one side of the stage.) Good morning, darlings... shouldn t you be packing by now? Oh, are you still talking about tearing down our town? Sorry, we ve decided not to move. ( nods condescendingly.) How sad... Taleville has finally affected your brains. Are you sure you don t want to reconsider? Stealing our town, I mean? A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 18

19 ASSISTANT (whipping out her cell phone and dialing a number) I ll call your lawyer. Girls, don t make me throw you in jail... You d lock up your own sisters? (motioning towards the FAIRY TALES at the edge of the stage) And your lunatic staff. I ve already spoken to the Black Forest Insane Asylum; we can t have Fairy Tales loose on the streets. (shaking her head) Destroying innocent lives to build condos... All s fair in love and business, girls. Now if you ll excuse me, I have bulldozers to schedule... ASSISTANT (hanging up her phone call) Your lawyer says if they don t leave, call the police. Just the police? Snowy called someone better. See, I have this friend. She didn t believe you were this evil, but now that she s heard you with her own ears... Do you recognize this voice? ( motions offstage.) GODMOTHER (from offstage) Young lady, I never thought you d stoop so low. Stealing from your sisters, throwing Fairy Tales out on the street A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 19

20 (suddenly terrified, trying to duck behind and ) No... no... HIDE ME! Not a chance. GODMOTHER (entering) I couldn t believe it when that nice Snow White girl called me. You promised to reform after you built the strip mall on top of Sherwood Forest, but nooo... (still trying to hide) Hide me, I m begging you It s so good to see you! ( and step back, offering no protection. She finally speaks to the GODMOTHER, not very convincingly.) GODMOTHER Some days, I m ashamed to be your Fairy Godmother! Now, you re going to march right down to City Hall and turn in your deed, so these nice Fairy Tales can keep their homes. But Godmother... (whining) GODMOTHER Don t But Godmother me! No goddaughter of mine is going to double-cross Fairy Tales. I put a lot of money into this deal, and... you can t make me! Oh, really? GODMOTHER (The GODMOTHER grabs by the ear. makes horrible faces.) A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 20

21 GODMOTHER (cont d) Do you remember what happened when you disobeyed your Godmother the last time? I remember... instead of coming home by curfew, Ellie stayed at the ball until midnight. Which is why her dress and coach suddenly vanished, and all her prince could find was a shoe... But but you mean you d make everything disappear? Take my real estate business away? GODMOTHER (waving her magic wand threateningly) You started it with my magic money. I ll do anything! (shaking her head violently) GODMOTHER Then head straight to your room, young lady, because you re grounded! I wouldn t send you to a royal ball if you were the last girl on earth. I m not a kid anymore! GODMOTHER And I ll tell your prince. When he finds out you sold your glass slippers... (horrified) He ll take away my palace! GODMOTHER You re not coming out of that room until you re ready to behave yourself! Now march! (The GODMOTHER grabs her ear again.) A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 21

22 Godmother, this isn t fair! I wasn t really going to call the nuthouse... I ll be good, I promise... (The GODMOTHER marches offstage. whines ad lib.) So Ellie s short for Cinderella? WITCH (smugly) That s what they called her, once upon a time. HANSEL (to and ) But if she s Cinderella, and you re her adopted sisters... Don t say it, don t say it HANSEL Heidi and Liesel are Wicked Stepsisters! Please don t tell anybody... I found out during contract negotiations in 07, but I promised to keep it quiet... FROG PRINCE (getting in S face) Let me get this straight: You and Liesel wrote yourselves a new story when you bought the town, so you get to be the good guys... (to the PRINCESS) You weren t kidding about the fly breath. FROG PRINCE... But the rest of us are stuck with 200-year-old tales. Is that right? A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 22

23 You saw what Ellie s really like! When she got her story changed and turned evil, we had to do something! Yeah, you turned evil along with her! I m done keeping your dirty secret we want new stories for everybody! (The FAIRY TALES all cheer.) Otherwise, we ll tell the tourists about you. Think of the headlines: Taleville Secretly Controlled by Wicked Stepsisters... That s blackmail. Is that what they call it now? ( and look at each other.) All right... next month, we ll start writing. GRETEL I don t think we want to wait that long. Tomorrow would be much nicer. (calling offstage) Oh, Godmother... Please don t... (The GODMOTHER reenters, brandishing her magic wand.) GODMOTHER Heidi, Liesel I want a word with you girls. But Godmother... A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 23

24 GODMOTHER I heard what you were trying to do to these nice Fairy Tales before Ellie came. Neither of you is leaving your room until you write new stories for all of them! Godmother, you can t really... I mean, we always shared a bedroom with Ellie GODMOTHER And if sharing a room with your darling sister doesn t make you write faster, then nothing will! (The GODMOTHER grabs and by their ears and drags them offstage as they whine ad lib.) Godmother, have mercy... This is cruel and unusual it s torture... Help! Somebody, HEEELP! GODMOTHER All my girls sharing a bedroom again... it warms a Godmother s heart! (They exit.) GRETEL So whattayathink, Snowy? New stories in a week? I give em three days. And I m making sure my new story doesn t have irritating dwarves. I resent that... In mine, I want to be a princess! You can have my job. DWARF GRETEL PRINCESS A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 24

25 ... But without the fly breath. GRETEL It s a curse. (heavy sigh) FROG PRINCE HANSEL I just want cake crumbs. Mmm, cake... Looks like we did it, everybody! One more time now: What did we want? New stories! And when will we get em? Right now! FAIRY TALES FAIRY TALES That s why we ll live happily... ever... after! (The FAIRY TALES cheer as they exit. The end.) THIS IS A SAMPLE SCRIPT. It is provided for personal reading and evaluation purposes only. You may not perform this play until you have purchased a licensed copy of the script from Copyright 2013 George Halitzka. All rights reserved. A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 25

26 Production Notes Synopsis: There s serious trouble brewing in Taleville, home of the Fairy Tales. Heidi and Liesel Grimm have been running the place as a tourist attraction for years, but treat their staff so poorly that Snow White finally leads a labor strike! Can anything put Taleville back on the right track? It s going to take the help of a Fairy Godmother before anyone can get back to living Happily Ever After. Character Education Connection: Consequences of Our Actions. Running Time: 20 minutes. Cast: 3 males, 9 females (the gender of some characters can be changed). Staging Requirements: A messy desk is needed for the first scene. The other scenes can be played on a bare stage. Lighting & Sound Requirements: No special lighting effects. Music is needed to transition between the three scenes. Costumes:,, and wear conservative business outfits ( should be the most stylish of the bunch). Ellie s ASSISTANT wears business casual clothes. and the PRINCESS wear nice dresses (like someone might wear to a dance or wedding) and, of course, tiaras. The DWARF can be dressed like a construction worker or miner. HANSEL and GRETEL wear white button-down shirts with suspenders and khaki pants. The WITCH wears a black dress and (of course) a pointy hat. The FROG PRINCE wears a dressy outfit (perhaps a button-down shirt, sport coat, and khakis) with a frog mask. Like Snow White and the Princess, the FAIRY GODMOTHER wears a fancy dress, but she also has fairy wings on her back. Props: File folder with contract (), bandage on head (), magic wand (FAIRY GODMOTHER), tax paperwork, deed certificate, briefcase (), cell phone, clipboard, pen (ASSISTANT), picket signs (, DWARF, HANSEL, GRETEL, WITCH, FROG PRINCE, PRINCESS). A Slightly Twisted Fairy Tale 26