April am Spirit-Led Marriage vs Self-Centered Marriage Part 2 of Spirit-Led Families (Adapted from Adrian Rogers Marriage: Duel Or Duet?

Transcription

1 April am Spirit-Led Marriage vs Self-Centered Marriage Part 2 of Spirit-Led Families (Adapted from Adrian Rogers Marriage: Duel Or Duet? Today we continue with our Spirit-Led Families Series. Last Sunday we talked about Living Wisely & Shining Brightly and our focus was on children and family. Our Key Verse was Matt. 5:16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven. Today we will focus on Our Marriages and Our Personal Relationships. The key focus of today s message is which will you choose Spirit-Led or Self-Centered Marriage/Relationship? Marriage is more than moonlight and roses. In our day, it is by many lightly regarded, and by many as lightly discarded. But marriages are kept alive by God's grace. Which word best describes your marriage or other personal relationships a Duel to a Duet. Let s look at what God s Word has to say regarding these personal reltionships. Proverbs 21:23 Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles Do you want to stay out of trouble? Keep your mouth shut. That s what the Word of God says. Many of us talk ourselves into trouble. Somebody has well said that it s better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. James says, Be slow to speak. Speech may be silver, but often, silence is golden. Now, the rabbis used to say that man has two ears and one mouth. The ears are made always to be open; the mouth is made where it can be closed; and, the tongue is enclosed in a den behind ivory bars, the teeth. And, what they meant by that is this: that we re supposed to be listening twice as much as we re to be speaking. But, most of us have gone just the other route. Luke 6:45 A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. James 3:5-6; When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4 Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. 7 All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God s likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.. 13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15 Such wisdom does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. 17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness. Think before you speak

2 Unfortunately many marriages are war zones rather than peaceful retreats. All of us who are or have been married know that marriage is both a challenging and rewarding experience. In actuality, no matter how perfect a marriage seems to be, there is always a chance for conflict and trouble to enter in. It is up to both partners to work through these conflicts in a way that is healthy and God honoring. When we look at the world it seems as if marriage is taking a beating and in decline. We see more duel than duet in many relationships, sometimes you d think they were married by the secretary of war rather than the justice of peace. Well, the most important thing, believe it or not, is not whether or not you have confrontations. The most important thing is this, how do you handle those confrontations? (Rogers) Key Passage James 1:19 Wherefore, my beloved, let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.. Open Your Bible as much as you open your mouth Better words, truer words, or more helpful words could not be said in a shorter sentence. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. Now, what he is really saying is this, Tune in, tone down, sweeten up. That s what it says. Tune in, be swift to hear. Tone down, be slow to speak. Sweeten up, be slow to wrath. First of all, Tune In, be swift to hear.. He s talking there about the awesome power of the listening ear. You know the Bible says in Proverbs 18:13 He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him. To speak before you listen. All good marriage communication, or communication anywhere else, begins with listening. Did you know that psychologists tell us that we really only catch about twenty percent of what we hear? Really only about twenty percent. Being a preacher, I think perhaps it s less than that. And, then you know, so many times what we hear is not clear anyway, and it s garbled. I picked up this sentence the other day, I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. Have you ever listened to a person talks that way? I mean, when they re finished you really don t even know what they have said and you have to listen so carefully. I made us this little saying to make the point as well. I don t understand why you don t understand, that I don t understand! Understand? Tune In: Are you listening with your ears and with your eyes? Because there s verbal communication, there s visual communication. Tune in, listen. One man said, My wife goes around the house all day long just talking with herself. His friend said, Does she know she s doing it? He said, No, she thinks I m listening to her. Tune in, begin to listen. Love with your ears and love with your eyes. (Rogers) Secondly Tone down, be slow to speak.. Learn something of the awesome power of the tongue. Look, if you will, in James 3:5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. Now, Mr. or Mrs. Torched Tongue, may I tell you that you can burn down your marriage with your tongue!

3 James 3:6-9 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell 7 All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God s likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Tiger-tongue person It is too easy to shred and claw with your mouth, we used to say, Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me. That is absolutely absurd and silly. Your tongue can be like a vicious beast. And, then let s continue to read, he goes on to say in this same chapter, speaking of the tongue, But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. Tetanus-tongue, you poison love! It always sounds so cute when we say these things. I m always reminded when I think torch-tongue, tiger-tongue, and tetanus- tongue of Winston Churchill and Lady Aster, who were always at it. Lady Aster said to Winston Churchill, when she was infuriated by him, she said, If I were your wife, I d put arsenic in your tea. He said, Madam, I can assure you that if you were my wife, I would gladly drink it. On another occasion it s said that Winston Churchill was drunk and Lady Aster said to him, Churchill, you are drunk! He said, That is true, and you are ugly. But, he said, Tomorrow I will be sober. (Rogers) My dear friend, there are seven deadly games that people play with their tongue. I want you to listen to em. If you re married, don t play these games, they re deadly. First of all, it is playing the judge. One partner assigns himself or herself the duty of being a judge. And as the judge, you blame and condemn your partner. Never say to your partner, It s all your fault. You should be ashamed! As a matter of fact, it s probably bad ever to start a sentence with you in an argument. You always or you never. You re almost always wrong when you use the word always. You always do this, or you never do that. Try this if you like to play judge, rather than saying you, begin this way, I feel this way, or I think this, or it seems to me, or I need. Don t play judge! All right? Don t play professor. Now, there are those always in marriages who want to play the professor. That is, they want to talk down, and they want to act superior. And, the marriage is full of constant put-downs and belittling. Well, you say to your partner, Hey, that s stupid. If you had an ounce of brains, you d know that s not right, or, you could never understand, you re not a woman, or, you could never understand, you re not a man. We put our mates down. One man said to his wife, I can t understand how God could ve made you so beautiful and so dumb at the same time. She said, It s simple. He made me beautiful so you d be attracted to me, and made me dumb so I d be attracted to you. Constant put-downs! When you attack your partner s self-worth, when you belittle your partner, your partner s going to be defensive if you attack their self-worth. Don t play the psychologist. That s a third game you don t want to play. Don t play the psychologist. Don t sit around and try to analyze your mate. Let me tell you why you said that. Let me tell you why you think that way. Well, why should you not do that? Cause you don t know. Probably they don t know either. Do you know the Apostle Paul said, It s a small thing with me that you judge me. He said, I don t even judge me. We ll wait til God comes, then every man shall have praise of God. Don t assign motives to your partner s heart. Don t assign motives to your partner s heart. Don t play the psychologist. It s a deadly game. (Rogers)

4 Don t play the historian. That s another game that people play. They correct the detail of every story that the partner says. Don t, my dear friend, play the historian. Don t contradict or correct your mate unless it is necessary. And, a lot of times we play the historian just to pull the smoke screen over the whole thing, we re losing the argument, and so we just change the subject to something that happened way back yonder, some other time. You know, one man said, Every time we get in an argument, my wife gets historical. He said, You mean hysterical? He said, No, I mean historical. She brings up every hour of the past, and just resurrects these old things. Don t play the historian, stick to the subject. Don t play the dictator. The fame of force in the marriage is not helpful. It might be verbal force, I will not allow that in my house. Or, I demand that you do thus and such. My dear friend, you beware of ultimatums in marriage. Don t make ultimatums. You keep your words warm and sweet, because you may have to eat em. Worse than an ultimatum is a veiled threat. If you do that again, you just wait, you ll see what happens. You don t say what it is, you just leave that up to their imagination. Just try that one more time, and you ll see what happens. You see, the dictator is the person who changes that marriage relationship from I do to You d better. And, they try to force their way. (Rogers) Third thing is Sweeten up, be slow to wrath. This verse says that you are to be slow to wrath. Now, what you re to do is to resolve your hurts, not to dissolve your home. They can be resolved. I want to give you three don ts and three do s, and I ll be finished with this message. Don t Number 1: Don t Practice Avoidance, where you just retreat and you just avoid confrontation. Somebody has written a book, and it is a good book, Caring Enough to Confront. Have you ever played this game in your home? Hey, is something wrong with you? No. Are you sure there s nothing wrong? Do you ever play that game? Well, I think there s something wrong. I told you, there s nothing wrong! And, both of you know there s something very wrong. But, we just tend to back off and retreat, we have the idea that it ll go away. Why do we retreat? Several reasons. Sometimes we fear the anger of our partner, so we just close up. Sometimes we may be afraid If I don t retreat, our marriage will be broken. Sometimes, and I suppose this is the most insidious of all, we retreat because we re afraid if we get into argument and a discussion, we might have to admit something about ourselves. We might have to see where we, ourselves, really are wrong, and so we just retreat. But, my dear friend, unresolved conflict is not really resolved by retreating, it only gets worse. You may stuff it, you may repress it, but I will guarantee you that your stomach will keep the score. You have a problem, you shove it out the front door, refuse to discuss it, it crawls around the house, and comes in the basement window. Don t practice avoidance. The wounds of a friend are better than the kisses of an enemy. Love your mate enough to confront. Don t Number 2: Don t Practice Appeasement. Some don t avoid, they just appease. They just give in. One person always seems to win, and the other person always seems to lose. One person always seems to dominate, and get his or her way, and the other person simply appeases and gives ground. Now, to compromise is one thing, that s where both give. But, to appease is something else. Sometimes we appease and call it compromise. A man said, My wife and I had a disagreement about where we re going on our vacation. I wanted to go to the seashore, but she wanted to go to the mountains. So, we compromised and went to the mountains. Now, this is what happens so many times in a marriage, where one person just simply gives. (Rogers)

5 Constant appeasement. You may think that you re solving the problem, but you re not solving the problem. What happens is you internalize the whole thing, and when he gets violent and you get silent, and you just internalize it. You just give way, and give way, and give way, and give way. It becomes in your heart like a smoldering rag, like oily rags put in a closet. They may burn out, or they may break out and burn the house down. Do not practice appeasement. Don t Number 3: Don t Practice Aggression. Now, when you hear me say don t avoid and don t appease, you think I mean attack. But, I do not. Do not practice aggression. You must face your partner, but the Bible says, Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Tune in, tone down, and sweeten up. Sarcasm is never in order. I have told you before and I want to tell you again, there are few problems that husbands and wives cannot solve if they will attack the problem, rather than one another. And, in order to do that you ve got to start at the right time. Choose your times to have a discussion. Sometimes, unfortunately, we can t always do that. But, I said don t avoid an argument, but avoid it at certain times. Right before dinner avoid it, when your blood sugar is low. Psychologists tell us that ninety percent of family arguments begin just before mealtime. Ninety percent. Or, have you ever been on your way to a social event you get in an argument going to a party, or maybe get in an argument going to church, well no confessions this morning. But I mean, on your way to a social event you get in an argument. Well, then you feel trapped, because then you have to turn around and go back home, or go into that event with a smile on your face, and you know on the inside that your guts are just churning. Choose the right time. Use the right tone when you confront. The Bible says, A soft answer turneth away wrath (Proverbs 15:1). The right time, the right tone, the right turf. Now, those are three things don t do s. Don t withdraw, don t appease, and don t attack. DO Number 1: Do Practice Accommodation. Did you know that you need to learn to say, I will change? So many times we want to change our partner. But, my dear friend, you are to change you. You have desires for your partner, but goals for yourself. You change you. And, you can change your partner by changing you because now he has to react to someone different, and you have changed. And, you do that by what we call accommodation. Now, let me show you how it works. For example, suppose there s a wife who says, My husband and I don t spend enough time together. He doesn t give me enough time. Well, how could she accommodate him, for example? Well, she might learn a sport that he loves. And, maybe they can play that sport together, and she takes up his sport. And so, she accommodates herself. She wants time with him, but she has accommodated. She has changed herself. Practice the art of accommodation. All of us can accommodate our partners to some degree. And, it is not just that wives have to accommodate husbands, or husbands have to accommodate wives. DO Number 2: Do Practice Acceptance. Make up your mind, in accommodation you say, I change. In acceptance, you say, He may never change or she may never change, so I accept it. I just accept my partner. Now, you know, there re certain things that we have to accept about others. And, they are different, they may not be wrong or you may not be wrong. You see, getting married is like buying a phonograph record, you buy it because of what you want on one side, and you just take what comes on the other side. You just, accept your mate. (Rogers)

6 DO Number 3: Do Practice Adjustment. And this is the best. In accommodation, I change. In acceptance, I make up my mind they ll never change. But, in adjustment we both change. And, that s so wonderful. When both change, when we adjust. The classic battle is that between a Early Bird and the Late Owl. Rather than having a war, where both lose, you have a compromise where both gain a little bit. Now, my dear friend, don t avoid it, don t appease, and don t attack. But, on the other hand, my dear friend, accommodate, accept, and adjust. It ll be worth it. Conclusion Let me share with you what Peter Marshall had to say. He said this about marriage, he said, Dearly beloved, the marriage relation, when rightly understood and properly appreciated, is the most delightful, as well as the most sacred and solemn of all human relations. It is the clasping of hands, the blending of lives, and the union of hearts, that two may walk together up the hill of life to meet the dawn. Together bearing life s burdens, discharging its duties, sharing its joys and sorrows. Marriage is more than moonlight and roses. It is much more than the singing of love songs, and the whispering of vows of undying affection. In our day, it is by many lightly regarded, and by many as lightly discarded. But, marriage will ever remain in the sight of God an eternal union, made possible only by the gift of love, which God alone can bestow. And, that is so true. My dear friend, marriages are kept alive by God s grace. (Rogers) Adapted from Adrian Rogers