Scene De-escalation Techniques Verbal Judo MARTIAL ARTS FOR THE MIND AND THE MOUTH

Transcription

1 Scene De-escalation Techniques Verbal Judo MARTIAL ARTS FOR THE MIND AND THE MOUTH

2 What is Verbal Judo u A tactical, physical skill, designed to soften an adversary s resistance to your authority. u A learned skill-not naturally created- u Verbal Judo DEFLECTS and REDIRECTS the negative energy of an opponent in order to gain control of a situation. u The ultimate purpose is to keep YOU safer. u If you are unsafe, everything else is irrelevant.

3 Handling the Attacks u A some point in your career you will be attacked little question of that. u The real question is whether you ll become a stronger, more flexible person or if you will give in to reflex actions that diminish your effectiveness. u Don t fall into traps for which you will later regret your actions.

4 Simple Secret u It s okay if someone insults, resists, or attacks you. Try to laugh it off. u Show that is has no meaning, no sting. u If you fight back and resist the affront, you give it life and credibility. u If you defend yourself, you invite counterattack.

5 An Example u Look what happened when Richard Nixon declared, I am not a crook. u If, instead of lying or defending himself, he had early on admitted the truth without anger or sarcasm. u He might actually have survived politically. u Imagine if he had said, We got caught in a stupid move and we re going to make it right.

6 What is Verbal Judo? u Judo was developed as a sport of self-defense without the use of weapons. u In Japanese: Ju = Gentle Do = Way u Thus Judo Means the Gentle Way u De-escalation is the key to success u Karate is defined as a self-defense system characterized by sharp, quick blows delivered with the hands and feet.

7 Verbal Judo u 1 st principle of physical judo is to not resist your opponent. Instead, try to move with them and redirect their energy. u In Verbal Judo, don t ignore or dismiss a question that s the same as resisting it. u Always attempt to answer, not avoid. u Leap into the questions with energy. Turn them into opportunities to explain yourself, tell what you do, justify your views. u Here s the chance to educate a person, to win their respect, and provide them with deeper understanding so they won t go away angry.

8 Goals of Verbal Judo u Safety u Does not use NATURAL LANGUAGE u Words are like a fist coming towards your face. Act quickly! But use your brain not your mouth. u Enhance Professionalism u Not enough to be good; need to look and feel good u Raise the perception of a Defender u Step out of the negative lime light; for example the media!

9 Goals of Verbal Judo u Decrease Complaints u It shows the Defender it is in their best interest to act professional u Gives the APPEARANCE of being nice. u Lessen Personal Stress on the job and at home u Stress in your career field u Stress at home u Objective here is don t let stress take control

10 Need for Verbal Judo u In any of these definitions it is agreed that verbal judo is a necessary means of enforcing personal boundaries and limits. u The redirection of a person s behavior with words is a public safety professional s most important weapon for keeping him/herself and the public safe. u Speech is power. Power to persuade, convert and to compel (Emerson.)

11 5 Universal Truths According to Dr. George Thompson of the Verbal Judo Institute, instead of focusing on how people are different, we should focus on how people are the same. 1. To be treated with dignity and respect. 2. To be asked rather than being told to do something. 3. To be told why they are being asked to do something. 4. To be to be given options rather than threats. 5. Want a second chance.

12 Three Principles Of Verbal Judo u Say What You Want, But you are going to DO What I SAY unless safety is threaten. u I Have The Last ACT, But I GIVE You The Last Word! u REspect Vs. Respect.

13 Different People Mushin - emotionally centered, unbiased. u Verbal Judo starts with knowing the culture you will be entering. RESEARCH! u There are three basic types of people. No matter what Culture, Gender, Age, Nationality, or Race!

14 Three Kinds of People You Must Be Skillful With All Three. NICE DIFFICULT 14 SNEAKY

15 Three Kinds Of People 102 different cultures in US. Nice (always agrees-non confrontational just wanna get along /single keyed individuals-still marked by the erosion of trust for our profession) Difficult (always says no the first time you ask them to do something, but somewhere around the 2, 3, or 4 time, when handled properly, 9 out of 10 will comply-multi-keyed-always ask why). Difficult people always want to know why where do you get your authority-greed- what s in it for me Sneaky (will act nice when you are standing there-wimps/ wolves in sheep s clothing/single keyed individuals, surrounded by the cloud of illusion)

16 Nice People u Will do exactly what you tell them u Never a problem because they have a hard time saying NO! u Always YES SIR or MA AM! u Want to please whoever they come in contact with.

17 Difficult People u A Difficult Person will always tell you no, the first time you tell them to do something, but somewhere around the second, third, or fourth time, when handled properly, 9 out of 10 will comply u When someone says, That s wrong or You can t do that to me I get interested that s a challenge! u It gives me the opportunity to explain why it is in their best interest to understand and/or comply. u Love to ask WHY or WHAT FOR 70% of the time u When you shift from resisting to appreciating, even welcoming difficult people, things become less tense and more interesting.

18 Sneaky People u Sound like nice people but are closest to difficult people u Very Hard to Detect ie like BACK STABBERS or HYPOCRITES!

19 Who Are You Dealing With? u Must be skillful with all three.

20 Types of Verbal Assaults u Authority u Profanity u Personal Threats u Family Safety u Other Staff Members u Physical Features u Age u Sex / Sexuality u Skill / Competence u Education u Economic Status u Religion u ETC. Verbal Defense & Influence with the Verbal Judo Institute, Inc 20

21 How To Handle Verbal Abuse Natural Reaction = Confrontation Vs. Studied Response = Deflection & Redirection u I appreciate that, but... u I understand that, but... u I hear that, but... u I got that, but... u I m sorry you feel that way, but.... Note: Combination Phrases Work Best

22 Confrontation vs Deflection u Confrontation How will you deal with it? u Security risks (physically & job) u Deflection and Redirection: u Man Throws Spear at Head.Move Head u Reasons 1. Makes you feel good! 2. Springboard-Focus Technique (Play Ground America) 3. Disempowers the Other 4. Sounds Good! Playground America I appreciate that, But

23 Dis-empower resistance Insults strengthen (your opponent) Courtesy weakens u Explaining why/what you re doing increases safety and sets a tone of respect u Allowing people to save face doubles safety directly and collaterally u Remember-a skillful approach will overcome the resistance of a difficult person 9 out of 10 times, after 3 or 4 attempts.

24 Things never to say to anyone 1. Come here! 2. You wouldn t understand. 3. Because those are the rules. 4. It s none of your business. 5. What do you want me to do about it? 6. Calm Down. 7. What s your problem? 8. You never or you always. 9. I m not going to say this again. 10. I m doing this for your own good. 11. Why don t you be reasonable? TIP: If you begin cutting these words out of your everyday use, you will find yourself getting in fewer verbal confrontations.

25 Come here! u This command actually means run away to some people. u Puts power and control in the hands of the other personparent/child u It is a vaguely threatening statement. u Try saying Excuse me, but I need to chat with you and see what happens. u Said in closer quarters and puts you in control.

26 You wouldn t understand. u You might as well put a comma and then stupid at the end. u If you are being pressed to reveal something be empathetic u Try I am not willing to answer that right now u There s no harm in warning people what you re about to say is complicated even put the onus on yourself and say, This might be hard to understand but I hope I can explain this u Just don t prejudge their ability to comprehend.

27 Because those are the rules or that s the law. u That comes across as kind of insensitive. u Understand the rules and regulations so you can impart knowledge when you are asked the hard questions. u RE-specting people is telling them why. If you are enforcing the rules for good reason, don t hesitate to explain it to them. u Your audience might not agree, but at least they will have been honored with an answer. u Establishes ground to stand on -defines the limits of the issue at hand-your authority-and gives good reason top comply u Takes your EGO out of it-not just-because I said so.

28 It s none of your business. u This phrase angers people because it brands them as outsiders and cuts them off. u And, it looks like you don t have a good reason for answering their question. u Rather than telling them it s none of their business, explain why the information cannot be revealed. u If someone barks at you, don t be a jerk just explain yourself firmly and tell them why. u Just explain why you cannot tell them like The people involved wouldn t want me to disclose that information.

29 What do you want me to do about it? u Can be a cop-out that affects your credibility. u You can count on two problems: the one you started with and the one you just created by appearing to duck your responsibility. u Negates any responsibility-relays an I don t care attitude-flippant- FULL OF ATTITUDE u Instead, offer to sort out the problem and offer a solution. Maybe an apology works or just explain that you are sorry. You don t have the answer they are looking for. u I m sorry. I really don t know what else to tell you or what to recommend, and I wish I did. u IF you cannot help with the issue-direct them to the office that can-if you do not know who to send them to-convey that you wished you did, and let them know that your desire would be to assist them

30 Calm Down. u This is criticism of people s behavior and implies that they have no right to be upset. u Makes one want to defend their reaction to you-like there is no legitimate reason to be upset u Rather than reassuring them that things will improve which should be your goal you have created a new problem. u Not only are they already upset at you to begin with, but now they need to defend their reaction to you. u Say it s going to be ok, I am here to help or It s going to be alright, talk to me. or What s the matter? immediately softens your opponent-appears as if you care..

31 What s your problem? u Definitely creates a you vs me battle rather than an us discussion u For most people the word problem indicates weakness-and NO ONE wants to reveal a weakness u Gather intel from the contact and always listen nonjudgementally. u Better choice try What s the matter or How can I help or I can see you are upset

32 You never or you always. u This statement is a lie. u Try something like I know it seems that way but what can I do to help. or When you do or don t do this, it makes me feel like this.

33 I m not going to say this again. u Stay away from this trap of a statement this is almost always a lie, because you probably are going to say it again! u You lose credibility and power u REMEMBER 9/10 AFTER 3-4 TIMES u If you need to emphasize the seriousness of your words, say, It s important that you understand this, so let me say it again. And please listen carefully.

34 I m doing this for your own good. u No one believes this statement. Instead, allow people to be more reasonable by being reasonable with them. u You better be able to explain why. u Use language of reassurance like Let me see if I understand your position, and then paraphrase their own words. u This lessens tension and enables them to feel your support. u Now you can help them think more logically and less destructively because you are listening to them, not insulting them.

35 Why don t you be reasonable? u Totally invalidates feelings and issue for subject-like saying you are stupid or you are wrong u This question can invite conflict. Better option- let me see if I understand your position-and then paraphrase back to the person. u Try being reasonable with them. Let me see if I understand your position.

36 Be Empathetic u Empathy is the quality of standing in another s shoes and understanding another s situation, feelings and motives. u Greek and Latin Roots meaning To see through the eyes of the other u Empathy absorbs tension. It works! u The ultimate empathetic question is, Let me be sure I heard/understood what you said. u Now, no matter how upset they are, they will have to hush and listen because they want to make sure you heard what they wanted you to hear.

37 Empathy vs Sympathy u Sympathy is the act or power of sharing feelings of others. u You don t have to sympathize or share your feelings to see their point of view u Just understand where they are coming from: u EMPATHIZE

38 Empathy/Paraphrasing u By paraphrasing the question back to them, you have taken control of the conversation because you are talking and they are listening. u And, it you have not heard them correctly, it gives them an opportunity to correct you. u You have made them a better listener because no one listens harder than to their own point! u Paraphrasing is gentle. It tones down the volume and makes a diatribe a conversation.

39 Interrupt and Still Be Loved u Sword of Insertion: Interrupt Without Causing Resistance. u Gives you a chance to Interject and Emphasize INTERUPT: Whoa, Listen, Wait a second EMPATHIZE: Let me be sure I understand you PARAPHRASE: So what you are saying is u You are now in control and that much closer to a resolution.

40 Know Your Weaknesses u Define your weakness u The things that make me ANGRY u Name it, Know it, Own it! u Associate them in your mind with something you can control, laugh at, minimize. u Or your subject will! By defining and recognizing your triggers, you can effectively disarm them.

41 Principals of Dis-interest u Always keep your professional face u Always treat others as you would want to be treated, under identical circumstances u Never inflate people with adrenaline or righteousness u Flexibility is strength/rigidity is weakness u Redirect rather than resist u Respond rather than react

42 DISINTEREST cont d u Everyone believes they have good reason for what they do u People care about knowing why: therefore, set context and explain why u Bad words color good deeds negatively! SHOWTIME IS A GREAT REMINDER TO GO BACK TO YOUR PROFESSIONAL FACE IF YOU ARE BEING MANIPULATED..

43 Autogenic (tactical) breathing (BASED ON TECHNIQUES DEVELOPED BY CALIBRE PRESS AND GARY KLUGIEWICZ) u Three times: u In through the nose for 4-count u Hold for 4-count u Out through the lips for 4-count u Hold for 4-count u Attitude is contagious u u Panic is contagious Calm is contagious u Can INFLICT BREATHING ONTO OTHERS COPYRIGHTED BY DAVE GROSSMAN-AUTHOR OF ON KILLING

44 Contagious Mindset u Consider that your body language as you make contact is the First Impression-cannot erase this! u Basic Concepts are simple: u Treat others as you would want to be treated u If you were the victim/complainant/dissatisfied customer- If you were a victim, how would you want to be handled? u Your wife? Your mother? Your child?

45 Contagious cont d SMILE - What do you have to smile about? 1. You are alive 2. In a land of 8+% unemployment rate and growing -you have a job 3. You have a job where you have a chance everyday to make a difference ***Out of all these #3 is the best reason to smile

46 5 Types of Deflectors u Funny Word Blocks u Serious Word Blocks u Polite Threat Word Blocks u Mobilizing the Audience Word Blocks u Sudden Assault (Time Out) Word Blocks

47 Funny Word Block Rules u Quick u Appropriate u Not a Counter Punch Note: Must be delivered with the right face, tone, and body language with an non aggressive use of distance

48 Serious Word Blocks

49 Polite Threat Word Block

50 Mobilizing the Audience Word Blocks

51 Sudden Assault Word Blocks

52 Communications The Art of Translation

53 Communication MEANING HELP FEAR VIOLATED MY STUFF TIME RESPOND To The Meaning, Never REACT To The Words. 53

54 Communication The Opposite of Talking Should Be Listening, But for Most People It Is Waiting Waiting To Interrupt!.

55 Listening Components u Words u Tone of Voice u Facial Expressions u Body Language u Context of the Situation u Distance / Positioning

56 Communication Barriers u Drugs, alcohol fear, financial strain, personal experience/ bias, rage, mental illness..to name just a few u Barriers make communication more difficult-not impossible u We are the professional u We control the situation

57 Know What You Can Do...(and do it!) The linked image cannot be displayed. The file may have been moved, renamed, or deleted. Verify that the link points to the correct file and location. The linked image cannot be displayed. The file may have been moved, renamed, or deleted. Verify that the link points to the correct file and location.

58 Other Barriers-Language/Cultural/ Religious

59 The concept of GVC Keys to Generating Voluntary Compliance u Compliance u Cooperation u Collaboration

60 Compliance u Defined: The action of complying with a wish or command. u The tone of your voice when you first speak with someone will set the stage of your interaction. u The expression on your face will also aid in the ongoing interaction. u Body language is also an important component of the first impression to gain compliance.

61 Cooperation u Defined: The process of working together to the same end. u The words you use in your initial conversation with your subject can and will lead to cooperation if done correctly. u Ask, don t tell. Adults don t like to be told what to do. Avoid making others defensive. u If you are not open and professional, getting people to convert to your way of thinking is nearly impossible.

62 Collaboration Defined: The action of working with someone to produce or create something. u Motivation is essential to collaboration. u Displaying a willingness to help others can open a door to collaboration u Improve your aptitude for listening to the viewpoints of others.

63 Communication From Receivers Point of View 7-10% - Content of Message 33-40% - Voice 50-60% - Other non-verbal

64 Content u 7-10% u Your Words u Your Credibility Credibility = Credo Belief Power & Influence History Being right never convinced anyone!

65 Voice 33-40% How you Say It If there s a contradiction between Content & Voice, which should you believe?

66 Role vs. Voice Harmonize Voice Must Lie! Voice Must Imply that you care! Role Voice 7-10% 33-40% Professional Language, Tone, and other ONV s

67 Voice u Tone = Attitude (Conveys your real attitude towards people) u Pace = Speed u Pitch = High/Low or Loud/Soft u Modulation: Ebb & Flow The Voice is a Window of a Subject s Intentions.

68 It s Not What You Say, It s HOW You Say It! I Never Said He Stole The Money

69 Other Non - Verbals u 50 60% u Body Language u Proxemics: Spatial Relations If there s a contradiction between Voice & ONV, which should you believe?

70 What are you really saying? Other Non-Verbals

71 Other Non - Verbals Body Language If there s a contradiction in body language, be prepared to believe the minor element.

72 Other Non - Verbals Proxemics: Spatial Relations Where you are in regards to the other person. And, will it enhance or inhibit communication?

73 Proxemics u Remaining Alert u Control of Distance u Personal Danger Zone u Relative Positioning u Contact Cover u Multiple Subjects u Cutting Herd Tactics (Divide & Control) u Reasonable Arc Concepts

74 Control of Distance

75 Verbal Judo=Verbal Tactics u Tactical communication Skillful use of language to achieve objectives. u Tactical empathy Projecting understanding to overcome adversarial resistance u Tactical Civility Portraying a concerned, respectful demeanor, regardless of personal feelings, as a means of generating voluntary compliance

76 Verbal Judo=Verbal Tactics Personal face one up contest personal face Professional face win-win personal face Leave your ego at home-become who you need to be to get the job done in a professional manner!

77 Street Truth People never say what they mean what they say: EFF you! You can t do that! What they mean: I m scared. I m embarrassed. I can t think straight. Ex: You can t shut my water off-i always pay my bill=what will I tell my kids-how did I let this happen-i feel like a bad parent

78 Verbal Karate u Karate is defined as a self-defense system characterized by sharp, quick blows delivered with the hands and feet. u Verbal Karate is lashing out using harmful and destructive words that are evoked by emotions. u Verbal Karate is the use of unprofessional language, because you are using words to express your personal feelings. u You are not connecting with your audience and you are off target u Verbal Karate is easy but it doesn t work in oral communication!

79 Verbal Karate u Verbal Karate is easiest language but burns bridges and alienates people. u It may make you feel good about yourself temporarily, i.e. telling someone off. u You strut away thinking, I told them! u And then, you usually have to come back and apologize. u Be careful people never forget verbal abuse. It sinks deeper and lasts forever!

80 Five Step Hard Style u ASK: After you have listened completely, ask for compliance (please & thank you). Ex: Could I ask you to u SET CONTEXT: Tell them why you are asking for compliance. Ex: Let me tell you why. (you will get 70% of people complying at this step). u PRESENT OPTIONS: Give them options.good first, then bad. Ex: You have some good options such as (you will get 80% of people complying at this step). u CONFIRM THE OPTION if not compliance, try is there anything I can say that will allow us to get this game going again? u ACT: escalate or disengage. S.A.F.E.R.

81 4 SECRETS TO PRESENTING OPTIONS 1. Tone: friendly and helpful. 2. Sandwich: Positive-Negative-Positive. 3. Be specific paint a picture. 4. Make them want your option.

82 more on options: Options Help people to save face. (give them something.) People in all cultures respond better to choices than threats.

83 5 Step with Voice & Appeal Command = Ps Face Ask Voice 1 Appeal 1 Interrogatory Tone Ethical 0/10 will do as asked

84 5 Step with Voice & Appeal Command = Ps Face Ask Voice 1 Appeal 1 Interrogatory Tone Ethical 0/10 will do as asked Set Context Voice 2 Appeal 2 Declarative Tone Rational Explain 7/10 will do it when you explain why

85 5 Step with Voice & Appeal 1. Use Pos. first over Neg 2. Be Specific 3. Use the Greed Principle Options Voice 3 Appeal 3 Service Tone Personal 8/10 will do it if there is something in it for them Confirm Voice 4 Appeal 4 Confirmation Most Courteous Tone 9/10 watch for A lessening of Resistance go Back & rephrase context Practical Set Context Voice 2 Appeal 2 Declarative Tone Rational Command = Ps Face Ask Voice 1 Appeal 1 Interrogatory Tone Ethical Explain 85 0/10 will do as asked 7/10 will do it when you explain why

86 5 Step with Voice & Appeal 1. Use Pos. first over Neg 2. Be Specific 3. Use the Greed Principle Options Voice 3 Appeal 3 Service Tone Personal 8/10 will do it if there is something in it for them Confirm Voice 4 Appeal 4 Confirmation Most Courteous Tone 9/10 watch for A lessening of Resistance go Back & rephrase context Practical ACT Set Context Voice 2 Appeal 2 Declarative Tone Rational Command = Ps Face Ask Voice 1 Appeal 1 Interrogatory Tone Ethical Explain 86 0/10 will do as asked 7/10 will do it when you explain why

87 S.A.F.E.R. When Words Fail ACT when one or more of these Conditions are Present! u Security u Attack u Flight (Unlawful) u Excessive Repetition u Revised Priorities

88 Three options for all u Fight -continue arguing u Flight -just give up/leave u Surrender-let YOU win Fourth option- u Go with dignity WIN WIN WIN

89 4 appeals u Ethical professional presence 1 st step.ask u Rational (not useful unless calm) 2 nd step.set context u Personal Selfish interests; job money, time 3 rd step.present options u Practical out of the box solutions 4 th step.confirm subject s commitment to current position

90 Options Offering choices is not a weakness THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX SHOWS FOCUSED ATTENTION ON INDIVIDUAL ISSUES-generates a feeling of being heard. Be positive. Be specific. You can be positive and specific with a smile Helpful face/helpful attitude/perceived as helpful

91 L.E.A.P.S. Five Basic Tools to Effectively Deal With People under pressure and still Gain the 3 Cs u LISTEN u EMPATHIZE u ASK u PARAPHRASE u SUMMARIZE NON-SEQUENTIAL-ONGOING AND CHANGING -DR. GEORGE J. THOMPSON

92 Listen u Listening is not a natural act. u It is highly artificial and artistic. u In fact, listening is not the opposite of talking. u In our culture, the opposite of talking is more like waiting to interrupt. (G.J Thompson Ph.D) u When you listen you ve got to look/act like you re listening. u You have one mouth and two ears, One you can shut, Two you cannot u Listening is the MOST important tool you can use

93 Steps of Active Listening u Being open and unbiased. u Hearing literally. u Interpreting the data. u Acting on the data.

94 Empathize u Empathy Absorbs Tension u You don t have to agree; just try and understand where the person is coming from. Everyone is entitled to a point of view. u If a person believes in you, in your service to them, in your desire to help often times that is enough to generate voluntary compliance. u If you can show someone that what you are doing is ultimately going to benefit them there is a good chance that you can win them over.

95 Ask u Who, what, when, where, why, and how? u This allows your subject to choose his answer and lets them feel in control. u Opinion seeking u How do you think this should be handled? u This is very powerful type of question because it allows you re subject to state his opinion.

96 Five Types of Questions There is a process of asking questions that can make you more skillful. u Fact Finding u General u Direct u Leading u Opinion Seeking.

97 Fact Finding u Who, What, When, Where, Why, And How). Don t be too quick with an answer before you can define the question. u Ask for specific data. Don t lead to your point of view, be as general as you can. This makes you appear caring, open and unbiased. u Is there some way we can solve this problem is powerful everyone likes to voice their opinion and they might even have something profitable to say!

98 Ask (continued) u Direct. Yes or No? u These can be useful in their own right but too many in a row can be counterproductive. u Leading. Isn t it true that? u This type of question should be used with a number of other methods. u Jumping directly into leading questions will have a chance to anger people do to the fact you are essentially putting words in someone s mouth.

99 Paraphrase - The Sword of Insertion Let Me Be Sure That I Understand What You Just Said. THEIR Meaning Dressed In Your Words, So That You Can BOTH Understand It.

100 Paraphrasing Correctly interpreting another s meaning and putting it into your own words. Why it is important u Clarifies intent, ensures understanding u People calm down after hearing their own words u Allows subject to save face-indicates fair play u Allows the professional to control interaction u Shows empathy u Allows the professional to interrupt without creating friction

101 Paraphrase It means to put the other person s perceived MEANING into your WORDS and give it back to them to modify or clarify. X M Y 1. Sword of Interruption "Let me be sure I understand what you just said!" 2. The other s perceived Meaning in Your Words. "You're feeling, because of. True? Be Disinterested! Verbal Defense & Influence with the Verbal Judo Institute, Inc 101

102 The Art Of Paraphrasing u You Can Interrupt And Not Generate Resistance. u No One Will Listen Harder Than To His OWN Point of View. u It Creates Empathy - The Other Will Believe You Are Trying To Understand. u It Often Makes The Other Modify Their Initial Statement After Hearing Their Meaning In Different Words.

103 Paraphrasing First listen then they will stop - If you use Or Let me see if I understand you Let me see if I ve got this right

104 LEAPS Continued u When someone comes at you with verbal abuse, forget the tone and emotion. u Put the complaint into your own words and play it back for them. u Even if you ve misunderstood, they will see that you are trying and they will want to help you get it right. u Remember, through this you have gained control of the conversation.

105 5 Benefits of Paraphrasing 1. You have now hooked the other person it s the only way to interrupt someone without generating further resistance. 2. You have taken control of the situation because you are talking and they are listening. 3. You are making sure you heard right on the spot, not finding out later you misunderstood. 4. If you have not heard the person correctly, it can be corrected. 5. You ve made the other person a better listener nobody listens better than he or she does to his or her own point of view.

106 L.E.A.P.S. Concept Summarize Creates Decisiveness & Authority Reconnects Communication When Temporarily Interrupted. Checks on Understanding Improves Memory Retention

107 Summarize u Be brief, Be concise, Be inarguable u By definition, this means condensing and taking all the information and putting it in a concise statement. u Must have three (3) things it must be brief, concise, and above all, inarguable. u You should sound as if you have reached the end, and you are now, in your professional capacity, executing the conclusion of the matter. u Doing this with the first 4 LEAP steps will have your audience more open and receptive.

108 Deflectors u I preciate that, but.. (professional/objective) u I unerstan that, however.. u I hear that, yet.. Not all deflectors are peace phrases, but all peace phrases are deflectors Deflectors allow you to jump over the constraints and move forward Peace Phrases are simply appearing to ask for cooperation rather than demand it

109 Deflection & Redirection u I understand that, however u I hear that, however u I m sorry you feel that way u I appreciate what you re saying u Let me see if I understand what you re saying {then, repeat what they just said}

110 Peace phrases u I can appreciate that.. u Can you work with me, sir u You don t need this kind of trouble u For your safety and mine.. u What s the matter. u Someone gave you some bad info (careful) u How can I help you.. u If you cooperate with me, it will be noted in my report u Sorry to hear that, sir.. u Can I chat with you for a moment?...

111 Why Peace Phrases? u Makes you feel good-keeping your cool u Springboard-deflect over the insults, focus on goal u Dis-empower your opponent u Sound good u Buy time for answers from other sources or for help to arrive CRISIS HOSTAGE NEGOTIATORS WORLDWIDE SAY-TIME IS YOUR FRIEND

112 Crisis Intervention Concept 1. Attempt to get person s attention. 2. Check on their perception of reality. 3. Attempt to establish a rapport. 4. Explain your perception of reality. 5. Move towards resolution.

113 Oh, By the Way! u Always maintain your professional face; never strive to save your personal face it s a lot easier to squeeze the toothpaste out of the tube than stuff it back in! Your personal face is ego on your sleeve, your expression of irritation, anger and bias. If you find yourself responding emotionally to what someone is saying, respond with: I may not be understanding you correctly, and I find myself taking what you said personally. I thought you just said, is that what you meant?

114 Oh, By the Way!! u Determine if the subject was personally attacking you, or what they feel You (agency) has not done for them. If there is a conflict personally-even if just perceived, allow another person if available to help the subject with their problem. u Every verbal encounter is unique. u You may work with the public all day and communication may seem to you like a stream of endless repetition. u Remember that your audience doesn t realize they are asking the same question you have already been asked a dozen times.

115 Oh, By the Way!!! u That 41 st caller doesn t want to be treated like you ve had 40 callers earlier make them feel as if they were the first caller of the day Empathize u Control encounters; don t become a victim of them. u Think of yourself as a contact professional who can control the situation. u If you can t control yourself, you can t control the situation. It starts with you. u You have to be in control to create control.

116 Oh, By the Way!!!! u Respond to people; don t react. u The work respond is a Latin derivative meaning to answer u When you are responding, you are in control. You are reanswering, responding to the event with power. u On the other hand, if you react, the event is controlling you. u Never violate the equity principle. Treat people equally, regardless of age, race, appearance, and most importantly, APPARENT VALUE TO YOU.

117 The Last Word! u The words that rise most readily to your lips are usually reactive rather than responsive. u Choose your words with an eye on the goal: What is the thing I want to accomplish. u Remember, the less ego you show the less you reveal your personal face in verbal encounters it takes a healthy ego to be a leader the less ego you show the more power you have over others.

118 Conclusion And if that doesn t work

119

120 THANK YOU!

121 Websites u u u u u newsline@calibreppress.com u u u u u ww.purposefuldevelopment.com Verbal Defense & Influence with the Verbal Judo Institute, Inc 121