The Snack Queens A One-Act Play by David-Matthew Barnes

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2 The Snack Queens A One-Act Play by David-Matthew Barnes

3 The Snack Queens (1st ed ) Copyright 2017 by David-Matthew Barnes ALL RIGHTS RESERVED All rights reserved. This one-act play is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. This one-act play may include references to brand names and trademarks owned by third parties, and may include references to public figures. The author is not necessarily affiliated with these public figures, or with the owners of such trademarks and brand names. Such references are included solely for parody, political comment, or other permitted purposes. Editor: Angela Alvarez Cover Design: GoOnWrite.com Publisher: Blue Dasher Press

4 The Snack Queens The Story A group of rival suburban soccer moms take their sideline snacks way too seriously. Cast of Characters DEBORAH SUSAN DELANEY-GERSTENBERG, 40, the ultimate soccer mom; the queen bee; feared by everyone LEEANN MURPHY, 30 s, the rival and nemesis of Deborah Susan KATIE CROSS, late 20 s, a new soccer mom BARB ANDREWS, 30 s, the disciple of Deborah Susan LIZZIE DELANEY-GERSTENBERG, 17, the not-so-perfect daughter The Place A soccer field in suburban America Time Late spring. Present year.

5 (At rise, LEEANN MURPHY enters pulling a red wagon behind her. It is overflowing with snacks. Behind her is KATIE CROSS, who is struggling with a heavy ice chest, even though it s on wheels. BARB ANDREWS follows, carrying three folded portable chairs. She opens each one. Two of them are drab in appearance. The chair she places in the middle is bedazzled. LIZZIE DELANEY-GERSTENBERG enters next. She looks bored and fed up. Through ear buds she is listening to music, drowning out the strange world that surrounds her. She sits in one of the portable chairs, but not the throne in the middle. Finally, DEBORAH SUSAN DELANEY-GERSTENBERG makes a grand entrance. She is carrying two upscale shopping bags, filled with plastic containers containing a variety of snacks. At once, she turns to LEEANN. The tension between them is intense and the cause of great suffering to everyone they know.) DEBORAH. Where have you been? I swear, I ve been waiting half a lifetime for you. LEEANN. What are you talking about? DEBORAH. You were supposed to meet me outside of the party supply store thirty minutes ago. LEEANN. (Not so innocent:) Oh, was that today? DEBORAH. Leeann, if you cannot be punctual for the important things in life, how do you ever expect to be elected the new PTA President? LEEANN. Blackmail. BARB. Deborah Susan, you should ve called me. I would ve been there on time. DEBORAH. I know, Barbie. You re one of the good ones. Not a heathen like Leeann who clearly doesn t know how to tell time. KATIE. (Referring to the game:) Who s winning? DEBORAH. The game hasn t started yet, Katie. Anyone can see that. I know you re new, but please try and pay closer attention. KATIE. Sorry, Deborah. BARB. (Correcting her:) It s Deborah Susan. KATIE. What? BARB. Her name. Deborah Susan Delaney-Gersternberg. KATIE. Wow. That s a long name. LEEANN. Only a greedy woman would need so many syllables. DEBORAH. Names are important and should be respected. LEEANN. So should married men. DEBORAH. (Referring to Lizzie:) Barbie, since my daughter seems to be in another galaxy at the moment, will you give me a hand unpacking the first round of snacks? BARB. Of course. Where should I put them? DEBORAH. On the tables. (Looks around, then:) Barbie, where are the tables I asked you to bring? BARB. (Terrified:) In my garage. DEBORAH. Well, now, that s a fine place for them. What are these innocent children supposed to eat on? I specifically said I need a flat surface. Do you see a flat surface, Barbie?

6 LEEANN. (Referring to Deborah.) Not since your last boob job, dear. KATIE. Can t they just sit on the ground? I mean, my kid won t mind. He ll eat anywhere if he s hungry enough. DEBORAH. Was he raised in a third world country? This is America, Katie. Our children eat on flat surfaces. KATIE. And what is it they re eating today? DEBORAH. Their first round of snacks includes organic baked chicken, gluten-free pita bread, a side dish of baba ganoush, and soy honey almond yogurt for dipping sauce. And lemon-flavored sparkling water, of course. (Spying the ice chest:) That is if you remembered to bring them. KATIE. I brought juice boxes instead. (Deborah, Barb, and Leeann gasp.) Apple juice. Kids love it. BARB. Well, at least it isn t soda. (She moves closer to Katie.) How could you? KATIE. It s juice. They re children. They don t need sparkling water. DEBORAH. My sons only drink sparkling water, Katie. Not something out of a box. They re not savages. They re twins. KATIE. Well, that s all that s here today. If they re thirsty, they ll drink it. And they ll survive. DEBORAH. (Shifting her attention to Leeann s red wagon of snacks.) Did you buy out the entire store or just the junk food aisle? END OF PREVIEW